So, the videos worked.

That’s nice.

I appreciate all the people who wrote and gave me feedback and told me that they worked.  Thanks…

That was sarcasm…

Nobody wrote and told me.

In fact, no one has written and told me anything in quite a while.

You guys are getting sick and tired of me bitchin’ about stuff.  I don’t blame you.  I’m gettin’ sick and tired of me bitchin’ about stuff, too. 

So, I’m going to give you guys some good news.  Then I’m going to move on to the fun stuff.  And I guess when I get tired of enough of doing this in a vacuum I’ll quit.

I took my Theology final for this semester.  For FBI (Faith Bible Institute).  It was the first final test I had taken for them, so I was a little scared, not knowing what to expect.  You get half your points from doing your homework on time and showing up for class every week and the other half comes from the three semester tests each semester.  You get one on theology, one on the old testament and one on the new testament.  So, I got all the homework and attendance points.  The test was 50 questions and you had 55 minutes to complete it.  I missed 3, so that’s a 94% or an A.  A solid A.  Next week I take the New Testament test and then two weeks after that, the Old Testament test.  If I fail any one of them in the three years, I immediately get dropped out.  It’s a pretty tough course.  I’m having a blast!!!

Now…

Ouch!  Coming home from class last night in the dark, I travel the back roads and cross over the Mississinewa Damn and there must’ve been 30 deer I saw.  In the road, beside the road…and they all gave me dirty looks as I went by.  Like they were saying, “Look pal.  Didn’t you see the state forest sign back there?  Don’t you know what that means?  That means this is OUR land.  Yeah, that’s right!  Keep driving, pal.  You don’t want to be stopping ’round here!”

Okay, these next people be NUTS!  Thanks to Stephanie for sharing

Nope, I’m 100% sure I would have the exact same stupid idea in my head as well.

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. 

The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children. 

“My, my,” said the nun, “13 children….you’re a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very proud of you!” 

“I’m sorry, Sister,” he said, “I am not Catholic. I’m Jewish.” 

“Jewish!?” she replies. “Hmmm….you’re a sex maniac, aren’t you?”

I’m sorry, but this cracked me up!

Okay, so some of these are old, but some are very clever and most are quite funny.  If you put that all together, they are perfect for us.

THOUGHTS FOR A DAY….. 


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. 

3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 

6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

10. He who hesitates is probably right. 

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”? 

He is so cute!

And ladies…you ever want to know what it’s like to be a man?  Let me let these three bulls demonstrate for you…

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.” 

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” 

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.” 

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.” 

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. 

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” 

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

And that’s everything you will ever need to know about “men” rolled up in one nice neat little joke.

I so wish that was a video.  I’d really like to see that bubble explode.

This one so made me angry.  If I read the headline correctly, SHE hit Him.  He looks at least a little injured.  And now she wants to sue him or presumably his parents for scratching her car.  Now, I don’t know if that’s the way it happened or not, but that sounds a bit entitled to me.

This next one is way too funny…and not really surprising at all.

Stuck in traffic in the USA for what felt like eons,I couldn’t help but notice the licence plate on the car in front of me. It read; BAA BAA.

I was clueless until I looked at the vehicle the plate was attached to it was a: Black Jeep

Especially with picture proof.  I’d have to give him a pass on that one.

I have no idea how they do it.  My dogs just made me jump out of my skin.  They bark at the mailman every day.  Now, I live on a fairly busy major road and the mail comes usually in the early afternoon when traffic is pretty regular.  Depending on who’s running our route it could be one of several different vehicles, none of which are old or have distinctive knocks or sounds … at least to MY ear.  They go down my side of the street first and then several hours later, the opposite side of the street.  They don’t bark at any of the other hundreds of cars and trucks and motorcycles that make all kinds of racket all day (and night) long, nor do they bark at any of the neighbors, except the neighbors immediately to my right when they park high up on the driveway instead of pulling all the way down and they slam their car doors.  That’s the only time.  They crazy people across the street make all kinds of noise day and night, but unless they cross the threshold of my property…nothing from the dogs.

But when the mailman delivers mail across the street in his silent, close to brand new vehicle, with traffic going up and down the highway, where they can’t even SEE him, they bark like Mexicans are coming over the wall at the Alamo.  It is truly amazing.

And now, I’ll be right back, after I go change my shorts, cause they scared the girl scout cookies right out of me!  You guys keep reading.

Joe from NJ sent this in an email a little while back:  “I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.”  That’s really tough, Joe.

When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation.  “I’m just lucky, I guess.  I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it,” he said. 

“Lucky!” the bookie exclaimed in disbelief.  “But how did you pick this four-horse combination?” 

“Well,” the gambler admitted, “I didn’t have a pin, so I used a fork.” 

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. 

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. 

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” 

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. 

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.” 

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.

When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.

Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?” 

He answered, “It’s not fair —  I’m not allowed to go to the library.” 

His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?” 

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses 

I don’t know what his problem is today, but I feel as though I can sympathize.

Not sure if this next clip is one to brag about or not, but it is interesting

Another really interesting clip…again, thanks to Joe from NJ

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO said, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!” 

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank! 

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass. 

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. 

“Simple” said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, ‘How would you like to get a 3-day pass?’

“So we exchanged tanks!” 

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening.

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.

So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door.

A female voice called out, “I won’t be a minute, darling.”

Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him — obviously as usual. 

And (like I just told Izzy after reading that last one to her) if that’s the way it was now, absolutely everyone who complied with that would be more than welcome.  Assimilate, get a job, pay the same taxes that the rest of us pay.  Swear allegiance to America.

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities. 

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, 

“Oops, gotta run!” 

Okay, so this one comes from Joe from NJ.  I can tell you that this is definitely a good, down home Jersey de-stressing technique, taught to us from a young age at our daddy’s knee…

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is an 8-Step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works ; I tried it! 

1.  Picture yourself near a stream. 

2.  Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 

3.  No one but you knows your secret place. 

4.  You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world.” 

5.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 

6.  The water is crystal clear. 

7.  You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater. 

8.  See, you’re smiling already.

Oh…oh wait!  It says PICTURE yourself…disregard what I said at the beginning.

Some of you may not get that one…back when I was a kid, we used to have these afternoon cartoons that actually tried to TEACH us something.  They were called … come on all you old folks, say it with me, “Schoolhouse Rock”!  This one is called, the Bill on the Hill

And this one is probably the most famous… Conjunction Junction!

I could sit and watch them all day.  LOL!

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an  organization… 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. 

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a  spoon in his shirt pocket. 

hen  I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” 

“Well,”he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3  spoons per table per hour. 

If our  personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to  the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 

“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making  an extra trip to get it right now.” 

I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out  of the waiter’s fly. 

Looking  around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from  their flies. 

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you  tell me why you have that string  right there?” 

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so  observant. That consulting firm I  mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. 

By tying  this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need  to wash our hands, shortening  the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.” 

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?” 

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the  spoon.”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day. 


BREAKFAST: 
1 grapefruit 
1 slice whole-wheat toast 
1 cup skim milk 


LUNCH: 
Small portion lean, steamed chicken 
Cup of spinach 
Cup herbal tea 
1 Hershey kiss 


AFTERNOON TEA: 
The rest of the kisses in the bag 
Tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with Chocolate-chip topping 


DINNER: 
4 bottles of wine (red or white) 
2 loaves garlic bread 
1 family size supreme pizza 
3 snickers bars 


LATE NIGHT SNACK: 
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) 


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS “DESSERTS” 

In today’s Last Word, I want to brag on Izzy.  She tried her hand at making Chicken Tetrazzini.  This was something that one of the girls she works with had made at home and brought in for her lunch that Izzy got to try.  The other lady sent her the recipe and when we went to Kroger today, we got the ingredients and she made it (with my help) and this is what it looked like… 

I am currently, as I’m writing this, finishing up my portion, and I have to say, it is absolutely delicious!  ★★★★★  I am stuffed full, but am seriously considering going back for more.  So, in the meantime, let me just say:

May the Good Lord Bless you and Keep you, may He cause His face to smile down upon you and may you be filled with joy and happiness until we meet again.

It has been suggested to me that instead of trying to provide so large an issue, that instead I put a smaller issue out and make it easier on myself.  I might start doing that, at least until things slow down a little bit.

So, that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you enjoyed today’s episode.  I look forward to speaking with you again next …

What?

Not THAT small?

So like one or two memes and cartoons?  Maybe a joke from Joe or three?

I tell you what…let’s see how it goes.  I’ll continue to work too hard and you guys continue to enjoy it, how does that sound?

Okay, I don’t know if I found a new trick/toy or not, but if so, it may have opened up a whole new bag of fun for us if the above video plays like it’s supposed to.  It’s called, how we spend out time.  And thanks to Lynn for sending it in!  I hope it works.

Oh Heaven Forbid!

This is one of my favorites.  I actually printed this one out and posted it in my office, framed.

Here’s another nice little article/essay from Lynn.  I found this one quite interesting.  Thanks again Lynn. (She always sends the most interesting stuff).

How much more so are we then expected to extend that same forgiveness and love to others that deserve our punishment and our wrath.

Trying this again!  Looks like it’s going to work!

This next one is GREAT!  It is hilarious!  Called the weirdest drum battle of all time.

Okay…I’ve had dogs like that, cats like that, KIDS like that, heck, I’ve had EMPLOYEES like that!!!!

A drunk gets on a  bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. 

Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. 

Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. 

A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front. 

“Hey”, shouts the bus driver… “You didn’t pay your fare yet!” 

The drunk, reeling, shouts back “Why should I?!….. I walked all the way!” 

THINGS OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK…… 

10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”

9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!” 

8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”

7. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?” 

6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”

5. “Don’t Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!”

4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!” 

3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.” 

2. “Nice Doggie!” 

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK….. 

1. “Are We There Yet?” 

Hmm, that looks awfully familiar… where have I seen that before…?  OH YEAH!

Kinda looks like the same place…but maybe not.

So, this one is pretty cool.  I had an experience similar to this while stationed in the Mojave Desert.  A buddy had a girlfriend who had never seen snow before and in the middle of the night it started snowing…HARD and by 4 am or so there was like six or seven inches of snow on the ground.  We lived in a little trailer park outside of base in a little town of nothing and she was TERRIFIED of the snow.  Wouldn’t come out of the trailer.  So, we did what any gentlemen would do, we picked her up, carried her outside and threw her in a snowbank…both of us having been from New Jersey and knowing that the snow was NOT, contrary to her opinion, going to harm her in any way.  It was great fun.

This is Izzy’s little hammy Copernicus.  He is trying out for the next Mission Impossible movie.  I have seen him upside down from the top of the cage.

Here’s a funny/horrible site from Stephanie.  I say horrible because it’s horrible to think about the fact that I actually lived through this age…

41 Pics That Show the ’70s Were Weirder Than You Know – Funny Gallery

Okay, if you don’t click on any other link in this issue, you MUST click on this one.  I was going to take the time to cut each picture out and post them individually, but decided it was easier and more fun for you guys to go and look at them on their site.  Thanks again to Stephanie for supplying this one:

23 Photos that Captured Wild Coincidences that Almost Never Happen – Funny Gallery

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. 

A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: “Young man. Don’t you realise that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.” 

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!” 

This next bunch are all from our Aussie friend Pete.  (Who’s also been responsible for 99% of the headers lately, too, btw)  Thanks Pete.  And for all your contributions, mate.  Deeply appreciated.

Really well done.  It’s one thing to have an artistic talent, it’s another completely to be able to draw a person and have everyone know exactly who that person is.

I want to get into something a little bit here in the political section for a minute.  I’ve heard a lot of complaints lately about the Electoral College way of electing a president.  How it’s not fair, how it isn’t democratic, etc.  First of all, before we go any further, can I first clarify that we are NOT a democracy. We are a constitutional federal republic.  Put it this way.  We use a democratic form of governing our republic which is controlled by the laws and restraints in our Constitution.

The rights and liberties that we are guaranteed and inalienable are those granted by God and the Constitution is written in such a manner that our government is supposed to protect them.  The first ten amendments to the Constitution were written as to what the Government shall not and will not do because our founders understood that the biggest threat to our freedom was our own government.

The founders also agonized over how to fairly elect a president so that all the states were equally represented.  Because, now look closely, it is the United STATES of America.  STATES.  When all this was being written, not all of the states had joined the United States.  Why would our state join your United States if our state wasn’t going to be given an equal voice in who was going to represent them.  If it was only the people in the big cities who had the most people, how were the farmers, who had all the land and grew all the food, going to be represented.  So the states with fewer people were just as important and wanted the same voice as those states that had a lot of people.  Wyoming wanted the same voice as New York. 

Well, then New York said, “Hey!  There’s a lot more Wyoming’s out there then there are New York’s.”  Meaning there are more states with wide open farmland and fewer people than there are tightly packed industrialized states.  If they have the same vote as we do, they THEY are going to control everything.  So, they needed to come up with a weighted system where the fewer more tightly populated city states had more weight than the more less populated farming states to try to reach a balance.  Hence the Electoral College.  Because it’s the United STATES of America, not the United PEOPLE of America. 

Now, that ends my off-the-cuff lesson on the EC, now back to my original point.  People are complaining about how it doesn’t work.  Let me show you how well it works.  This first picture is the last one I can find of the final results, by state, of the EC voting:

As you can see, Mr. Trump got about 58% of the EC vote to Mrs. Harris’ 42%.  Although it says in parentheses that he got 50.3% and she got 48.1%.  That is the popular vote, which means the individual vote.  To me it looks like Harris got 20 states and Trump got 30.  That would be 40% and 60% respectively.  Okay, we’ve broken that down about as much as possible.

Now this, is the same map, but broken down by county…

Looked at that way, the ONLY place that Harris won, was the counties with the big cities.  And if you go to the interactive maps where you can zoom in on the individual counties, you can see that in a lot of them…it was just barely.  To me, looking at that map, it was much more of a Trump win than was recognized.  But, by the popular vote, you can see that it was MUCH closer than this map certainly shows.  And that is why we have the system that we have.

End of lesson.  I hope you found it interesting and a little entertaining.  But, before I go, I want to throw this one in.  I know it’s old news…water under the bridge…but now, we’ve even got democrats saying…hmm, maybe we DID cheat in 2020…because this makes NO sense:

And lastly, this one was sent in from our dear South African friend, Wouter!

It’s a list put together by I think Joe Messerli of the top 20 things that a Liberal MUST Believe In.  And you know, as funny and sarcastic as it is, there is an awful lot of truth to it.

1. You must believe Global Cooling Global Warming Climate Change is the biggest threat to human survival and can only be curtailed by ceasing all capitalist activities.
2. You must believe all conservatives are incapable of independent thought and are instead brainwashed by Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Fox News.
3. You must believe there is no difference between legal and illegal immigration.
4. You must believe that “fake news” stories are the only reason Donald Trump was elected in 2016, but every anti-Trump story on the internet must be true.
5. You must believe the NRA is bad because it advocates for certain parts of the Constitution, but the ACLU is good because it advocates for certain parts of the Constitution.
6. You must believe it’s more important that all people be equal at the finish line than be equal at the starting line.
7. You must believe the top 20 percent of income earners who pay 95 percent of all income taxes aren’t paying their “fair share”, but the bottom 50 percent of earners who pay $0 in federal taxes and consume more government benefits are.
8. You must believe self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it
9. You must believe in fiscal responsibility, but only if it means cutting the defense budget and raising taxes.
10. You must believe there was no art before federal funding.
11. You must believe conservatives are racist, but blacks and Hispanics cannot make it without your help.
12. You must believe guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of Iran and North Korea.
13. You must believe the same government that pushed the “settled science” of the carb-dominated FDA food pyramid is qualified to judge the “settled science” of climate change.
14. You must disbelieve any news stories released by Fox News or Newsmax but believe everything put out by Al Jazeera and state-run media in Cuba, Venezuela, and China.
15. You must believe that standardized tests are racist, but affirmative action and racial quota requirements are not.
16. You must believe that businesses create oppression but governments create prosperity.
17. You must believe the majority of the population disagrees with you simply because they are delusional, brainwashed, or uneducated.
18. You must believe in free speech unless it comes from a conservative or libertarian speaker.
19. You must believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t brought prosperity anytime in history is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
20. You must believe this list is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy–probably funded by the Russians.

 

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly. 

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door.  A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house.  Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well. 

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash. 

A week later she opened her local paper and read:  “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. 

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” 

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. 

“I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.  

Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore. 

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cries.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jamie. 

“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

And on that WAY too true statement, we’ll draw this issue to a close.  May you be blessed until we can meet again.

At the beginning of each veteran’s service career, they raised their right hand and solemnly swore to put their lives between the evils of the world and the 94% of the people who will never do the same thing that they have done.  They have promised to give THEIR lives in order to protect YOURS.  They don’t even know you.  They have no idea who you are, but they are willing to die for you.  They don’t plan on it, in fact, they plan to do everything in their power to do their job in such a way so that the other guy gives HIS life for HIS country, if it comes down to that. 

Our job is SUPPOSED to be to appear so FIERCE that no other country WANTS to attack us.  We used to be really good at that.

6.2 % of the population are veterans and about 1% of the population are currently protecting the other 99%.  

These men and women do jobs like everyone else does, but underlying all those jobs is a primary job that we don’t really talk about…to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies.  But what is “the Constitution of the United States”?

You can point to the paper in Washington where it is housed in a special container filled with nitrogen (I think).  But what REALLY is the Constitution?

In my humble opinion, the Constitution of the United States is:

• First and foremost the people who make up the Spirit of the country.
• Second, the rules, regulations, and guidelines that make up the roadmap of where this country is going and, therefore, where it has been.
• And finally, it is the heart and soul of this country.  The Preamble says it all.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

• Form a more perfect Union.
• Establish Justice
• Insure domestic Tranquility
• Provide for the common defence
• Promote the general Welfare
• Secure the Blessings of Liberty
• All of this for ourselves and for our Posterity

And THAT is WHY I am a Veteran.  And that is also why my oath of service will NEVER expire.  To all my brothers and sisters, whether you’ve served 30 years or 30 days, whether you were Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines or Coast Guard, may I offer you my most sincere and heartfelt thank you for your service and may you have a truly wonderful and happy Veterans Day.

Now…

Amen!  I don’t need it to be lighter out later or earlier or whatever the heck it’s supposed to be.  Just pick one and leave it the heck alone!!!!!!

Here’s another small part of my job…severe weather.  Plus, I personally have this thing about tornadoes…

What an awesome tattoo.

Okay, Stephanie shared this next one.  Here’s the link:  https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=909744267696467&rdid=IaEDimJEkuf9cnnE and I have no idea what the backstory is, but the content is a young man obviously reading something quickly that is so well said that it is awesome.  But he goes through it so fast that it loses some of it’s punch.  So, I spent hours transcribing this little less than 3 minute video and here is the transcription:

You say you don’t believe in God, but the scientist, Sir Roger Penrose calculated the likelihood of the universe having this precise of a design and the calculation he came up with 10,000,000,000 to 123rd power.  Which is the number 10 billion with 123 zeros at the end.  A number that humans cannot even comprehend.

(10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000)

 You say you don’t believe in God, yet atheist scientist, Stephen Hawking stated in his book, The Brief History of Time, that at the moment of the Big Bang, that if the expansion rate of the universe is different by even one / one hundred thousand million millionth of a percent that the universe would’ve collapsed back on itself.

You say you don’t believe in God, but your existence alone as a human is of a 400 trillion to one odds. 

You say you don’t believe in God, yet did you know that if one person‘s DNA was unraveled and placed end to end it would stretch to Pluto and back. 

You say it takes too much faith to believe in God, and then to that I’ll ask you, have you ever seen non-intellectual produce intellectual?  Have you ever seen non-life produce life?  Have you ever seen a massive explosion or expansion produced design or order?  Every explosion I’ve ever seen has led to mass destruction, not design and order.

You say you can’t trust biblical texts because they’re ancient manuscripts that were written by men thousands of years ago.  Yet the Bible is the most preserved text in all of humanity with over 25,000 manuscripts in the world. I didn’t ask you, why do you trust the reliability of people like Caesar, Galileo, and many other ancient figures when they have far less items written about them?  

You say that the Bible has been mistranslated and altered, yet the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1950s have proven that claim to be false.

You say you don’t believe in the miracles of Jesus, yet you believe in the miracles of the universe being almost perfect in every aspect for us and our ecosystem to survive.  

You say it takes too much faith to believe in religion, yet I counter that claim with the notion that I believe it takes way more faith to be an atheist than a theist.  

You say you don’t need God to have good morals and you would be correct, but then you cannot ground your morality in anything else but pure opinion.

Then you say who cares?  And I ask you who was right morally?  Because it all comes down to subjective opinion if you’re an atheist. And if you’ve had enough bad people have a bad subjective opinion we would be in a world of trouble.  

God allows us to ground our morality in an objective manner instead of pure opinion of one person versus the next. 

You say the Bible is unreliable yet over 2,000 prophecies are confirmed from the Old Testament to the New Testament.  You say believers are living in a fairy tale, yet the evidence of Christianity is so overwhelming, I would ask you how can you not believe?

You say, “Why does God allow humans to suffer, not even have enough food to live?” and I’ll turn that question right around against humanity and ask, “Why do we as humans allow people to not get enough food and water to survive?”

You say, “Why doesn’t God just come down and show himself so that we can believe?”  And I say to that, he already did and we killed Him.  And I know that if He came again, we’d try to kill Him again because the world hates the truth and loves their sin. 

Get right with God now.

What an amazing essay.

Okay, this one is really good too, sent in by Steph.  25 of the best Halloween Costumes.  

What a fantastic statue.  I looked for a smaller version on line.  Way out of my league price wise.

How Children perceive their grandparents.

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.” (WOW! I really like this one — it says I’m only ’38’!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

That is a FANTASTIC idea!!!!

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. 

– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

What’s a mixed feeling? 

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Minnesota Law

Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.

A third grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell “before.” 

He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.” 

The teacher says, “No, that’s wrong. Can anyone else spell before?” 

Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”

Again the teacher says, “No, that’s wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell ‘before’?” 

Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”

“Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?” 

Little Johnny says, “That’s easy. Two plus two be fore.”

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.’

‘Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.’ 

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. ‘I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!’ 

‘You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.’ The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.

‘I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!’ 

‘Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.’ 

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. ‘Your right, he is unshakable!’ 

The third English man said, ‘No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.’ 

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said, ‘I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!’ 

‘Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.’ 

THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT MIGHT BE TRUE! 
(or Urban Legend?) 


What a world?  ….  On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.  ((Story from Australia)) 

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.  He ignored it and threw it away.  In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. 

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return mail. 

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. 

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.  However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.  He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. 

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. 

The next month he got a bill for $0.00.  This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. 

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.  The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. 

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing check for $0.00.  After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.  The bank could therefore not process ANY checks they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash. 

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.  At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. 

It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.  They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.  The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this: 

The gas company was ordered to: 

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under company Law. 

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man. 

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose checks had been bounced on the day our friend’s had been. 

[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and 

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer. 


And all this over $0.00. 

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.  She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.

She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time.”

The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.

It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”

The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?”

This kid needs a reward!  7th Grader Jumps Into Action to Save Bus Driver and Fellow Students

And I hope that little collection helps you understand a little bit, also.

That is truly wild looking!

Wonder how many will get that one…

Okay, so Ted sent us this next quiz…it’s called the Older than dirt quiz.

So, I’m sharing this with all of you because I remember 4 or more.  I actually remember 16 1/2.  I say 16 1/2 because I’m not sure about #7.  I remember them, but I don’t know if we ever had one or if we always had our own line. When I checked on the dates for party lines this is what I found out with a quick search: Party lines carried on well into the 70s, but the technology was deemed “a victim of progress” but the last party line was not phased out until 1991 in Woodbury, Connecticut.  So, I could EASILY have had a party line as a kid.  Heck, in 1991 I had already been in the Air Force and gotten out again.  I graduated high school in 1977.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.

This demonstrates how little things change.
It was first published in the British humour magazine “Punch” on April 3, 1957:
But it is still VERY pertinent to banking practices today.

Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn’t bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste.  But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts.  That is  the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts.  Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly.  That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all.  They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven’t got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts.  This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they’ve got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn’t theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect.  They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can’t really say that.

Q: But you’ve just said it!  If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it’s Liabilities.  But they go and  lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so  it’s Assets. It’s the same $100 isn’t it?

A: Yes, but….

Q: Then it cancels out.  It means, doesn’t it, that banks haven’t really any money at all?

A: Theoretically……

Q: Never mind theoretically!  And if they haven’t any money, where do  they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you.  That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate.  Say five and a-half percent.  That’s their profit.

Q: Why isn’t it my profit?  Isn’t it my money?

A: It’s the theory of banking practice that………

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don’t I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don’t say.  How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate.  Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that’s only if you’re not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I’m going to draw the money out again!  If I hadn’t  wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn’t like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not?  If I keep it there you say it’s a Liability.  Wouldn’t they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No.  Because if you remove it they can’t lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they’d have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they’ve already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they’ll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too….and they’ve already let me have it?

A: You’re being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I’m being acute.  What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It’s the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

You know, he’s absolutely right.

Absolutely hilarious!!!

That’s it my friends.  Be blessed.

I’m sorry, my friends. But there won’t be an issue again tomorrow. See, we are getting spun up for a big exercise in January and I had to work all weekend, which is when I usually get to work on Dragon Laffs. And then I get to finish it up on Monday night, but I have a … well … let’s call it someone I’m doing something for on Monday’s for the next couple of weeks of a personal nature. And then last night being election night and I don’t need to tell you how THAT turned out.

Anyway, long story short, there just isn’t enough hours in the day for me right now. Not that there won’t be soon, just some of these weeks are worse than others, so please bear with me. You know you guys are a priority for me and I love and care about you.

Be well, Be Blessed and I hope to catch back up with you on this weekend and we can talk about Veterans Day and the election and all kinds of things.

Cheers,

Impish

I am so incredibly far behind in EVERYTHING right now that this issue may just be a mad grab for memes and stuff and see what happens.  I have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SHARE with you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Okay………..

Take a breath………..

First, I hope everyone remembered to turn their clocks back last night.

Second, let’s just get to the laughter…

Yeah, we are going to do the Halloween catch up thing.

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. 

We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home. 

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, “You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.” 

A wife complains, “Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband mumbles, “That clock always was slow.”

Tomorrow is election day.  I don’t care who you vote for…well, I really do…but if you don’t go out and vote, then you have no right to complain about anything that goes on.  It is your responsibility to vote.  You may not have anyone you want to vote for, but sure as heck there are people you want to vote against.  I expect each and every one of you to go out there and vote.

THE NEW MATH

NAME____________________

GANG NAME______________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip.  He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.  How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.  How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit? 

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder.  He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 – 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.  There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang.  LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5  rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.  If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skate board.  As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum.  If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Daylight Savings Time 

How many of you had these in your house growing up, raise your hand…

Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell “straight.” The boy did so correctly. 

“Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?”

“Without water.” 

Massachusetts Law

It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. 

See!  Why aren’t booklets like this still available?

Isn’t it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid ? 

These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. 

I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to. 


People who got the ticket:

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110 mph at 1 in the morning “I was cold so I wanted to get home fast” 

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone “I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking” 

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone “No speaka english” 
After receiving the ticket “you son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!” 


People who did not get a ticket:

I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that’s how close I was and he didn’t look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed 

Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone “I just won the lottery” He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays! 

But this guy was my favorite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125 mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said “I’ve waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do”

I handed him back his license and said “That makes perfect sense to me”. 

This actually sounds like a pretty cool cop to me.  Giving tickets out where they are deserved and cutting slack to enough people, too.

♪♫Stuck in the middle with ewe♫♪

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!” 

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing,my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact,that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, “Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods.” 

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. “See, Mom. She doesn’t like the skin either.” 

This guy was driving the back roads of Arkansas late one night. He hadn’t had much sleep and should not have been driving. 

He started to doze off but caught himself just in time to see two Yankees in the road. He slammed on the brakes but to no avail. He hit both of them. 

One went through the windshield and landed in the back seat and the other bounced off the grill and landed in a field 100 feet away. 

In a panic he called the Arkansas State Police on his cell phone for help. 

When the State Trooper arrived the guy  explained, “Oh my God, officer I’m so sorry I was too tired to be driving and I killed these guys. I can’t go to jail, I’ve got a wife and three kids. What am I going to do?” 

The trooper looked at him and in that wonderful Southern drawl said, “Boy, don’t you fret one bit. We’ll get that Yankee in the back seat of your car for attempted car-jacking and we’ll get the one in the field for leaving the scene of an accident.” 

You really gotta love the south.  Anyone who has ever spent any time in the south will read that and just nod and say, “Yup.  That’s about how it would work.”

Thanks to Ted for this very long Comedy Special…enjoy!

And that’s where I have to stop my friends.  I didn’t get to any of the essays I wanted to include or anything!  Next time, maybe.  Love to you all.  Until next time, be Blessed my friends.