So, it’s Sunday and I’m trying to get a jump on Thursday’s issue so I don’t end up missing out again this week.  It would be really great if I could get the whole thing done in time tonight.  Not counting on it, but maybe I can if I keep the editorializing to a minimum and the laughter to a maximum. 

You guys would probably like that more, anyway, right? 

Right? 

Hmm, it’s awfully quiet out there… so let’s just jump right into the issue and see where it leads us then shall we?

Aaannnddd… I guess I am going to start editorializing right off the bat.  So, okay.  So, here goes… So, in what insane land of make-believe do you ladies think that putting a ring in your nose or anything else for that matter … and yes, for this man, that even includes those little diamond (fake or real) nose studs (or whatever you call them) … makes you look attractive?  It makes you look like a milk cow!  Like I should clip a snap ring on it and lead you around by it.  Put you out in the field and keep you in one place so you don’t wander off.  If you take offense to that, I’m sorry.  It looks asinine.  Would you more beautiful, women (notice the term “woman”) please mentor the girls (notice the term “girl”) and straighten them out?  One of my grandsons is going to bring home one of these milk cows and I’m going to embarrass them both.

And let’s start the issue off right with…

40 Fun Photos to Fuel Your Morning

Editorializing again…sigh…what’s wrong with proper English?  Even in a text message?  Now, I know buddy Wheats and I will text some crazy crap to each other, but we text each other daily and have know each other since we were roommates in Germany in 1981, so a 43 year friendship overrides most stuff.  Besides, we do more accents than stupid stuff like B4 and UR and the like.  Let’s put it this way…if you guys don’t stop with the stupid stuff, we’ll all start writing in cursive.  Or in “longhand” as it was known when I was growing up.

This next one is from Leah…

𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐞?

The American Fotoplayer was a form of player piano, electrically-driven, with augmented orchestral effects, including organ pipes, percussion instruments and assorted sound effects (whistles, doorbells, bird song, gun shots, thunder etc.). The organ could be played manually, as shown below, but it also took piano rolls as with a conventional player piano, each of which would be designed for particular genres and scenes. An operator (often an usherette, it is said) would therefore have to switch from one roll to another as the action changed.

Photoplayers were first introduced around 1910, and were produced in their thousands in the United States. Generally they were installed in smaller cinemas throughout the silent era, as the amplification was not good enough to larger theaters. Their peak years were the late teens, and production tailed off after 1925. Only a hundred or so exist today—one of those can be found in the home of Joe Rinaudo (seen here), a Silent Cinema Historian and Preservationist. Fotoplayers were dumped once the talkies arrived, but continued to be in cartoons.

And this one is from Lynn…

This Sunday, at 0200 hrs, it suddenly becomes 0100 hrs again and we all get an extra hour of sleep!  It’s the good one.

Qiantang, the world’s largest tidal bore

Lynn started this with this gif and I found the YouTube.  What fun!

Actually, I think it’s closer to 98% and 2%, but who’s counting.

I AM!

And so should you be!  2% of the population is standing between evil and the other 98%.  They voluntarily said that they would give up their very lives for people they don’t even know!  “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” That’s John 15:13.  Everyone…EVERYONE should thank a VET … every day.  I do.  (And cops and firefighters and EMTs, too.) 

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want anything done, ask a woman. 

-Margaret Thatcher (1925 – 2013 )

Yeah, I could give an Amen to that one, also.

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said. 

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. 

This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech. 

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, “No no, sir. You must not applaud.” 

Dumfounded, he protested: “But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker.” 

“No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech.” 

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:

· The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.

· There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.

· You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them. 

· The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

· The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

· There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address. 

· You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

· There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!

· You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

· Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. 

· You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

· You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

· Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading. 

· A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

· You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. 

· The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

· A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

· You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.

· You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

· Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

· You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it. 

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! 

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. 

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. 

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

“Those weren’t midgets,” the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!”

Abe and Esther were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.  Suddenly over the public address system the Captain announces, 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.  Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing.  Luckily I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. The odds, however, are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” 

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds. 

Abe still shaken from the crash landing then asks, “Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?” 

“Oy, no!  I’m sorry.  I forgot to send the check,” she says. 

“One last thing, Esther.  Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month,” he asks? 

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t sent that one, either.” 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. 

Esther pulls away and asks him, “So, what have I done to deserve that?” 

Abe answers,  “They’ll find us.”

WWWHHHHOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!!!!   LET’S GOOOOO!!!!!

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!” 

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!” 

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail. 

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!” 

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. 

“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” 

“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?” 

“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole

I feel and react the exact same way…every morning.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.  Like it or not, he was stuck with it. 

All the years of growing up was real tough on him because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. 

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day, when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. 

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. 

The next morning when the boy awoke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! 

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off. 

The moral of this story is:  
Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand.You could lose your ass!

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? 

A: Data transfer.

Which is the curved road?

So, Joe says this might be a repeat, but it’s funny enough to play again..

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 

3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 

9.. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission. 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

12. She is numb from her toes down. 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

14. The skin was moist and dry. 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

21  Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.. 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

And with that we’re going to end this one here.  Love and happiness to you all.

I’m really mad!  I’m trying so hard to remain Christian in my rant here, but IT IS SO HARD!!!  I’m listening in the background as some MORON is on youtube that Izzy is listening to who is DEFENDING Hamas and laughing, LAUGHING about Jews being raped and saying it never happened!  And the biggest problem, is that he has a following of young people who are buying into this EVIL!  These lies!!!!  There are facebook videos of women being raped and then killed that were live streamed to their families!  How can you possibly say that it didn’t happen?!?  You liar!!  There is a special place in HELL reserved for you, Hasan, and contrary to possibly your belief, it’s going to burn for a VERY LONG TIME!!!!!

Okay…

That was several days ago.

Today is Friday and I have had a TRULY CRAPPY WEEK!  I even pranged the car last night.  I fully and 100% believe that the more and closer we walk with God, the more Satan steps in and gets in our way and fights with us and tries to make our life more difficult.  

I have had such a fantastic spiritual couple of weeks with my ministries and with counseling people and mostly with my own personal walk.  My FBI (Faith Bible Institute) Study has been FANTASTIC and I have learned so much and I feel like I have grown so much closer to God and to the Spirit, that it makes perfect sense for the adversary to be playing havoc in my life and he really has!

Work has been absolutely overwhelming with people wanting things from me.

Then, I ordered and had made some very special coins…military type challenge coins for those of you who know what those are … for Veterans Day for my church.  Has the church’s logo and a special scripture about the Armor of God on one side and a “Thank you for your service” type of thing on the other side.  Veterans Day is a hugely special thing for me.  I wanted this in a really, really bad way.  And maybe that was another problem.  Maybe I didn’t want it in the right way, if you know what I mean.  I had talked to Pastor about them and he had talked about the Men’s group and the Women’s group going in half & half on them and I thought that was a good idea.  If you’ve never ordered these things they can be a little pricey.

Well, Pastor had a death in his family and then he got sick and we had another death in the church and, long story short, I wasn’t going to bother him about the money when time was running out, so I ordered them myself, paid the tax when the church could have ordered them tax-exempt I think (maybe not.  I’m not sure how that works with just expenses or on anything) and put the cost (about $650) on my credit card.  God will make it all work out.

Told the company, Signature Coins, five stars by the way!!!, that I had to have them by the first week of November and they actually got them to me like two weeks early!  

And then FedEx lost my package!  I freaked out.  See, I had to have it delivered to a CVS because they needed a signature to accept delivery so I couldn’t have them delivered to the house because I couldn’t guarantee that someone would be home since Izzy and I both work.  FedEx swore they were dropped off and CVS said they didn’t have it.  We went round and round for 5 days!  With me praying to God to keep the anger from me because I was REALLY getting mad!

The box has to be somewhere, right?  So the Spirit whispers to me, maybe someone messed up the label.  Maybe have CVS look for the tracking number and not your name.  So, I went back to the store for like the third time and got the same person I had already dealt with and she, of course gives me attitude (quick prayer, please Lord, help me not get angry) I tell her my plan about the tracking number and can we please check?  Should be a small, heavy little box.  

“There’s no tracking numbers on these boxes.”

Yes there are, here, let me show you.

“YOU CAN’T COME BEHIND THE COUNTER.”

I’m not coming behind the counter, just let me …

“Oh, the tracking number is right here. So, what number are we looking for?”

So, I tell her and she finds it on the second box she looked at.  The same box that I know for a FACT was sitting there the very first day that I went and asked about my box.  The same box that through many inquiries and several drivers and multiple phone calls, no one could find because…here, I’ll show you.

Here’s the last three letters of my last name:

And here’s the tracking number:

And all because me, someone who’s not even IN the business thought to say, “Hey.  Why don’t we look for the tracking number?”  Thinking they may have fat-fingered the name on the shipping label or something.  Or something was right.  It was torn.  Nobody could see that it was torn?  Looks pretty obvious to me?

So, on the very same night that I got that worked out, on the way home from my FBI class, one of the older guys wanted to know if he could follow me home because his route was under construction.  So, pulling out of the dark parking lot I pulled up and he wasn’t pulling out.  I waited a couple of minutes and he still wasn’t coming.  So I turned the wheel to spin back around to go back and there was a light pole in my blind spot and I pranged right into the concrete square holding it up.  Right in my passenger side door.

Not horrible, but more than I can afford right now, especially with the coins taking up room on my credit card.  I’m not really that worried about it, I just feel horrible about it.  Oh, why did the older guy get hung up behind me?  He did the exact same thing.  He turned right into a light pole and REALLY dinged up his car.

The Spirit helped me fix up one problem, so Satan had to throw another one in front of me.  Well, let me say something publically right now.  You can listen up you old liar, it’s not going to make any difference AT ALL.  My walk with God is only going to increase from here, because all you are proving to me with all your stupid nonsense is that I am on the right path.  So, it’s not going to be me that gives up, or gets distracted, so YOU might as well.

And those were just a couple of the highlights my dear friends, so what do you say we get to the fun stuff and chase away the nonsense with some laughter, shall we?

That is way, WAY, WAY too much information for me!!!  Having worked in the Department of Corrections in a couple of different formats, it never ceases to amaze me what people will do.

It bothers me that we are not making more of this in the news and such, than we are.  We should be marching in there with every piece of law enforcement that we have and get these people their homes back!

Tren de Aragua Seizes 4 Apartment Buildings in San Antonio

I’ve wondered that so many times myself that I’ve decided that I no longer care if it’s not acceptable for me to point it out.  I’m going to.  We all know that common sense isn’t common, and stupidity runs rampant through our society and if Dragon Laffs needs to be the voice calling in the wilderness than so be it.  We’ll just continue to do it with a smile.

I Just Lost 100,000,000 Brain Cells After Looking At These 23 Extremely Stupid Things People Actually Posted On The Internet Last Week

That has got to be one of the funnest things I’ve read all week!

I want to go there!!!!

This next one is SO COOL!  It’s from our great buddy in South Africa, thanks Wouter!!!

Hope you enjoy this one- it’s interesting to see all that
Is included. It would prove invaluable assistance to anyone studying history or biographies.
Well worth saving for students.
Now take a look at this picture…..

Painted by Chinese Artists, Dai Dudu, Li Tiezi and Zhang An,
Oil on canvas, 2006.

This painting is truly remarkable. Even more amazing though, is that the canvas has Been computerized. When you click on the link below, a much bigger Version of the computerized painting appears. Run your cursor over the people. The programme tells you who they are – every single One of them. BUT (click on a person) and you obtain the individual’s life history. This is fascinating… Can keep you busy for hours! CLICK HERE

Yes, it really can keep you busy for hours…more than two and a half hours for me … this last time … lol.  Thanks again Wouter for sending it our way.

32 Extremely Dumb Pictures That Make Me Laugh Uncontrollably Literally Every Single Time I Think Of Them

That is outstandingly sick humor!  Two thumbs up!  Okay, so maybe only one.

That is so cool!  I would go there just so I could have my picture taken out front!!!

40 Random Bits of STEM Trivia You’d Never Be Able to Drum Up on Your Fancy Graphing Calculator

Think about the last couple of lines if you aren’t there yet…

Yeah…a different list completely.

This next one is from Lynn

World’s Largest Solar Power Plant That Covers 32,947 Acres

“By 2030 almost half of China’s electricity generation will come from renewable energy sources.”

The country’s wind and solar farms are the reason, even before this latest plant came online.

The Xinjiang region is a hub for renewable energy production, as its ample sun, wind, and low population make it an ideal spot.

Why?!  Why would you do this?  I hope the judge throws this out of court!

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

This is one that Izzy and I found!

Beautiful!

Heroes of the Hurricane!

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane, when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind… “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another.” The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Amen!  You get what you deserve.  Bird shot is a lot better than a regular bullet.  Mess around and find out!  Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.  You wouldn’t be NEAR so lucky breaking into MY house!

This is the way Grandmas (and Grandpas) should be!  If you don’t like it, well, it’s pretty self-explanatory in the letter.  I LOVE this letter.

Thanksgiving Letter from Grandma!

Dear Family…….Living is still important to me.

If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2-liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthily at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because the company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

Love You, Grandma

One of my favorite snacks has just taken on a whole new meaning.

Bob left work one Friday evening.  (Why does it always have to be Bob?)

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

She’s got a plan…

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem… How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said,

“Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said,

“As a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time”.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said,

“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The biker said,

“Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?”

The lady said,

“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.

This one is so Good!  Thanks to Pop Smith for sending it along:

A professor at the university asked his students the following question, “Everything that exists was created by God?”

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

And that, my friends is that.  Until we meet again.  I hope you enjoyed this little bit longer version.

I’m sorry campers, doesn’t look like I’m gonna make it for Thursday or Friday this week. I may try for Saturday but we’ll have to just see. I’ve just been too busy.

My apologies and my love and prayers for God’s blessings to you all.

Impish

I hope I make this happen on Monday. 

That’s a terrible thing to be saying on Friday evening, but there is SO MUCH going on in my life right now, that I’m not sure I’ll have the time. 

I’m working tomorrow. 

And I’m not going to fill you up and bore you with everything that’s going on right now. 

Mostly, I really don’t have the time.  If I’m going to get a decent start on this, I need to get started, and let’s face it.  It’s the laughter you all come for, not to listen to me prattle on about how tough my life is right now. 

I do want to thank Leonard R. and Michael F. for the extremely kind and generous recent donations.  Always welcome and always put to very good use.  Thank you both EVER so much!

Let’s get some of the recent “That time of the year” stuff that I’ve gotten first:

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

I Just Spent The Past 20 Minutes Laughing Uncontrollably At All These Pictures And Now I Really Need You To See Them

36 Incredibly Dangerous Designs That I’m Genuinely Shocked Made It To The Final Product

Seven New Frog Species Were Named After Star Trek Captains: ‘To Boldly Croak’

Picture this: knee-deep in the stingy, bitey, steamy jungles of Madagascar, you and your research team discover 7 new species of frog—what do you name them?

Inspired by the various sounds of American sci-fi films and television, 7 tree frogs that make otherworldly sounds were named after characters from Star Trek.

The international team of scientists said their high-pitched whistling calls are like sound effects from the iconic sci-fi series.

All 7 new animals come from the frog genus Boophis, and emit “bird-like” whistling sounds in their communication with other frogs, rather than croaks. According to Professor Miguel Vences, a Trekkie to some degree, such whistling sounds are used often in the classic sci-fi franchise.

“That’s why we named the frogs after Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, Archer, Burnham, and Pike, seven of the most iconic captains from the sci-fi series,” said Professor Vences.

Assistant Professor Mark Scherz of the Natural History Museum of Denmark, joked that while there weren’t any phasers or stars in the rainforests of Madagascar, there was quite a lot of “trekking.”

“A few species are found in places accessible to tourists, but to find several of these species, we had to undertake major expeditions to remote forest fragments and mountain peaks,” said Scherz. “There’s a real sense of scientific discovery and exploration here, which we think is in the spirit of Star Trek.”

He explained that the otherworldly calls of the frogs are known as “advertisement calls,” a type of self-promotion that may convey information about the male frog’s suitability as a mate to females.

Scherz says that particular group lives along fast-flowing streams in the most mountainous regions of Madagascar, a noisy background that may explain why the frogs call at such high pitches.

He said some of the frog calls might remind Star Trek fans of sounds from the so-called “boatswain whistle” and a device called the ‘tricorder.’ But, to other people, they may sound like a bird or an insect.

“If the frogs just croaked like our familiar European frogs, they might not be audible over the sound of rushing water from the rivers they live near,” said Dr. Jörn Köhler, who played a key role in analyzing the calls among the study team. “Their high-pitched trills and whistles stand out against all that noise.”

The calls also lined up with the genetic analysis the team performed, according to their findings published in the journal Vertebrate Zoology. Madagascar is renowned for its biodiversity, and research in its rainforests continues to uncover hidden species.

The island, around the size of France, is home to about 9% of the world’s frog species.

“We’ve only scratched the surface of what Madagascar’s rainforests have to offer,” said Professor Andolalao Rakotoarison, of the Université d’Itasy, Madagascar. “Every time we go into the forest, we find new species, and just in terms of frogs, there are still several hundred species we haven’t yet described.”

She and the rest of the team have described around 100 new species from the island in the last 10 years alone.

The research team hopes their latest discovery will strengthen conservation efforts in Madagascar’s rainforests.

Okay, so that last one may have been more of a personal opinion.

A hyena is drinking at a watering hole one day when he sees an elephant come for a drink. 

Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile. 

The hyena asks, “What did you do that for?” 

“Well,” answers the elephant, “About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB and paid him back.” 

“Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that turtle looked like after that many years?” 

The elephant replied, “I have turtle recall 

One of our dear readers, Stephen B, sent that one to me.

A couple of Florida Tribute pictures…

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. 

Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. 

Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. 

The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, 

“GOOD GRIEF!, IT WORKS!!!” 

I don’t know if it’s AI or fake or photoshop or real or whatever…it’s still cool as all get-out!

So, how about this one, is it better…

So, maybe a little

Really, REALLY good advice!!

No.  No, No.  No, No, No!  If I’m standing underneath a powerline and I feel ANYTHING, then SOMETHING is DEFINITELY WRONG!!!

Okay, this next picture is special just from me.  It is, according to the book of Revelation and the opinion of the instructor of FBI (Faith Bible Institute) a line up of the sides and players in World War III.  There are more, like Australia and New Zealand (who should be on the green side, by the way) but they couldn’t be pictured on the map.  This is a screen grab that I got of the class. 

Where’s Batman when you need him?

50 Extremely Fascinating Pictures That Will Completely And Totally Change Your Perspective On Nature And The World

They walk among us, they drive down the same roads as us, and…you ask, who is it that could possibly think that a 72 year old grandmother should be locked up in prison for standing inside the velvet ropes of the capitol for a few minutes on January 6th whilst the people who burned down other people’s buildings were “mostly peaceful demonstrations”?  The answer is, the same  people who think that Fl oz stands for Florida ounces.  And killing an unborn baby is not murder, right?

I’m sorry.  

I recently had a VERY … um … emotional “discussion” with a dear friend of mine who is convinced that it is a woman’s choice to have an abortion and that it doesn’t affect their walk with God at all.  AT ALL.

Exodus 20:13  

“But, it’s my body, my choice.” 

And who is making the choice for the baby?  You already made one choice for them.  You choose to allow them to be created inside of you, gave them the space.  That space now belongs to them.  The rest of your body may be yours, but that part of it belongs to them.  You are trying to make a decision about that baby’s body, not yours.

Deuteronomy 5:17

“But, I didn’t mean to get pregnant.  It’s still my choice.” 

You HAD a choice.  You had the choice to keep your legs together and not engage in sex to begin with.  You exercised your freewill right up to the time you are now trying to exercise your MASTERHOOD over someone else’s freewill.  If that baby could express their opinion, their choice, what do you think they would pick?  To be murdered?

I think not.

I guess I really should give more of an advanced warning before I climb up on this thing.  I really didn’t expect to go on that way.  Sometimes my fingers, mind, and the Spirit just kind of take over, and I just sit back and watch as the words come out on the computer screen.  The conversation I had affected me a lot.  So, let’s move away from human stupidity and …

Yeah, I get that myself sometimes.  I also get accused of making up words.  Like, I would have been accused of making up the word “pretentious”.

And I had to go find this next one that I knew I had filed away somewhere, but it went so well with the last one.  Took me a minute, but I found it!

And THAT describes my Izzy TO A “T”!!!

Oh, amen and amen and amen!!!

This one is from Pop Smith.  I love it.  It should be repeated often and everywhere.  Thanks Pop.  Here’s what he has to say about it:  This week my wife and I went to Vincennes to visit the Red Skelton Museum and then drove back to Evansville to eat and spend the night.  If you haven’t been to the museum it is worth the trip.  Even thought it is small compared to some place it is big on entertainment with collections and outfits of his different characters along with screen clips of those characters.  They also had this clip which I think is the most impressive thing he ever did.  “The Pledge of Allegiance”  The cost is minimal but if you are a member of a NARM (North American Reciprocal Museums narmassociation.org) admittance is free.  I hope you have a good week

I am 100% sure that is NOT what she is saying.

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). 

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar … I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ‘napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions” (her second mistake). 

Now fast forward a few months….It’s Chrismas Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. 

Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

 When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. 

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the edge!! 

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 

“But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: 

“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?” 

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?” 

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy. 

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!” 

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!” 

This one comes from Joe in NJ.  It is beautiful.  It made me cry for an hour because it made me think so much of my dear Mary who I miss so damn much.  Thanks for sharing this Joe.  It is true beyond belief for so many women.  I truly wish I could say all women, just like I wish I could say nice things about all men, but I can’t.  But for those special ones…and you all know who they are … this is SO TRUE!

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into His sixth day of working overtime.  An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?” 

And the Lord answered, “Have you seen My spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts,all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart — and she will do everything with only two hands.” 

The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Only two hands!? No way! And that’s just on the standard model?  That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.” 

“But I won’t,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this Creation that is so close to My own heart.  She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.”

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have Made her so soft,Lord.” 

“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made Her tough.  You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?”, asked the angel. 

The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.” 

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the Woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.” 

“That’s not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that’s a Tear!” 

“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked. 

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief And her pride.” 

The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of Everything! Woman is truly amazing.” 

And she is!! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. 

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. 

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. 

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart. 

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning! 

They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. 

However if there’s one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget their worth.

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. 

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.” 

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. 

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. 

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” 

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. 

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” 

She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” 

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” 

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque.”

Didn’t you just know that was coming at about the halfway point?

And they have the unmitigated gall to say that we’re the ones who are crazy!

There once was a girl from Madras 
Who had a magnificent ass, 
But ’twas not round and pink 
As you’d probably think, 
‘Twas gray had long ears and ate grass.

50 Extremely Fascinating Pictures That Will Completely And Totally Change Your Perspective On Nature And The World

“The best way to be late is to have a lot of extra time!”

I have a confession to make.

I am a great cook. 

I’m not bragging when I say this, just stating fact.  I have cooked in many different kinds and types of restaurants.  It’s something that comes naturally to me and I used to enjoy it quite a bit.  Mary and I used to cook for each other all the time, and we’d cook for our friends.  I would actually have people that would request I make my “Lasagna Bob” for them.  Now, I’m not saying this to brag or show you how great I am, but to say that, I haven’t cooked, really cooked for many years.

I haven’t had the heart. 

It takes love to cook. 

It takes spirit and heart.

I just haven’t had it. 

I’ve had love in my life since Mary died, I just haven’t had LOVE in my life since Mary died.

Tonight, Izzy asked me to help her make Banana Bread so she could take it to work tomorrow.  She is trying so very hard to be nice to the friends she’s made at her new job and I’m really proud of her for that.  I told her I would walk and talk her through HER making banana bread.  We made banana bread from scratch.  Well, to make a long story short, sometime during the process, I started cooking again. (and now writing this I’m crying) I was showing Izzy how to mash bananas with an old fashioned potato masher, and whipping raw eggs rather than just dumping them into the mix and explaining to her why that made a difference and why a little bit of cumin mixed in with the cinnamon will really brighten up the flavor, but it has to be mixed with the cinnamon before added to the recipe, and reaching and grabbing and mixing with one hand while stirring with the other and explaining to her to do something else completely at the same time and suddenly…

… I was cooking again. 

And his heart grew three sizes too large.

Well, maybe not three sizes, but maybe it grew a little.

And maybe my love as well.

Until we meet again my friends.

So, I got home from church this morning, did most of my Sunday chores, got my homework done and I thought I would get a start in on my issue for Thursday since I have a new chore for Monday night now.  

Yes, that’s me to the right there at church this morning.   I ALWAYS have my coffee with me or I can’t sing. 

Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense at first blush, but hear me out. 

My mouth gets so dry so fast because of these stupid dentures, that I HAVE to have a drink with me ALL THE TIME.  Even when I go to the jail on Wednesday nights I sneak a little bottle of gatorade or something in with me or I can’t teach.  And when I sing, it’s even worse. 

But, my singing is terrible anyway, so I sing very quietly, but I LOVE to sing, even if it is an awful noise unto the Lord.   

But you say, “Impish, that’s supposed to be a joyful noise unto the Lord.”

Well, not in my case. 

I think I told you before, that when Mary and I would drive together and a song would come on the radio that I liked and I would sing, she would turn up the radio so she couldn’t hear me. 

And she loved me, but it really is THAT BAD! 

Anyway, where was I … Oh yeah, a new tasking on Monday night … I have picked up a new client for counseling on Monday night. 

He wants to see a man, not a woman and the lady who normally does the grief counseling for our church group asked me if I could do it.  I told her that I’m running out of free days and if he would line up with what I have free … and … well … I guess he’s pretty desperate, so I’ll do my best.  It sounds important.  And one of my other nights is going to free up in about 3 weeks when that class is over anyway. 

But for the next 3 weeks or so, it will be something every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  So, I am going to struggle to find time for you guys. 

Maybe I do need to retire.

Yeah, I know, I thought that was funny, too.  So, let’s get started on the REAL funny stuff, shall we?  Yup, I think we shall…

That is a really cool picture…faked or not.

Another instance of Stephanie sending us a bunch of the pictures from this site and then just giving up and sending the whole site.  So, I’m just going to give you guys the site, and let you do it that way.

I Just Spent The Past 20 Minutes Laughing Uncontrollably At All These Pictures And Now I Really Need You To See Them

Yes, that symbol means something.  Since it’s been a while since I’ve used it, I’ll give you the answer…It’s called a Rebus.  It’s where pictures or symbols are used to work out a phrase or sentence.  Like a picture of an eye, then a heart, then a female sheep could mean I love you (eye + heart for love + ewe for you).  So, in the above example, the first one is an old E + a baby’s butt + a + golden or a really good E.  When you work it out it’s an old E butt a good E or An Oldie, but a Goodie.

Sigh!  Yes, I know, but now when you see it, you’ll know what it means.

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. 

They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid “A”.  

They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. 

They had a great time.  However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. 

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. 

The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day.  They were elated and relieved.  At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. 

The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.  “Cool,”  they thought. “This is going to be easy.” 

The next problem was worth 95 Points.  It asked:  “Which tire?” 

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old,

“If you pretend you’re asleep, he stops.”

Yup, that would have been my kids.

And the horse wouldn’t have one way or the other.

I told the AI “Dragon” and that’s what it came up with.  Not bad.  If I try it again…

I sense a theme… one more to test my theory…

Nope, theory disproved.  

Okay, this one is from brother Joe and it is just so cute!

Okay, so you guys got a twofer with that one.  

This is amazing.  It may just be a demonstration, but it is still amazing!

I laughed SO HARD at that one because HE DOES look just like her!!!  It’s so TRUE!!!  ROFLMAO!!!

And that’s what the AI gave me when I just typed in the word “fantasy”

Ummmm…. I’ve got questions…lots of questions… but I suppose the part that bothers me the most, is that it is a real book that is available on Amazon.  Go ahead, check for yourself.

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home. 

When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside. When the sparrow came to, he looked around and said: “Bars, bread, water… Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!” 

I may have just been put off of reading forever.

A retired Four-Star General ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come to work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the General said. “Nothing to it – you’ll catch on again fast.”

The former orderly agreed to become the General’s valet.

The next morning, promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-General’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the General a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said,

“OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend.

Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. “My fee for that work, ” acidly snapped the attorney, “is five hundred dollars.”

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

Man, that’s so true!

A bride called to make a change to her wedding list.

It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her list at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.).

The Customer Service Representative told her that John Lewis would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.

The bride said, “No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom.”

And anyone who doesn’t get this one is just another brick in the wall.

Come on, Teacher!  It shows his mind is not for rent!

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. “Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the diplomat.

“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “A man is sitting on the well!”

I really want to see what happens when they hit the highway!

Mine, too!  We are part of the “Mine, Too! Movement”

That is one of my favorite, all time!

Having rather quickly arrived at an age where I can sympathize and empathize with the next set of comments, it both gladdens and saddens me to go through this list and say with complete certainty that it is so true on so many levels.

Comments on Aging …

• “If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.” (Eva Gabor)
• “Old age comes at a bad time.” (EdSullivan)
• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” (Stevie Wonder)
• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.” (GoldaMeir)
• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. (MarkTwain)
• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” (Phyllis Diller)
• “Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” (George Burns)
• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up; then, you forget to pull your zipper down.” (Rob Reiner)
• “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not THAT tired.” (Princess Grace)
• “Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” (BobHope)
• “At my age, flowers scare me.” (GeorgeBurns)
• “It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” (EdSullivan)
• “The years between 55 and 75 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” (T.S Elliot)
• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us.. at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” (Ann Landers)
• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” (Milton Berle)
• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” (MartinScorsese)
• “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” (PabloPicasso)
• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” (AndyRooney)”The older I get, the better I used to be.” (Lee Trevino)
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.” (GeorgeCarlin)
• “Everything seems to slow down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” (ElizabethTaylor)
• “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” (Dennis Quaid)
• “There are three stages in man’s Life: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” (LeonPhillips)
• “Looking fifty is great — if you’re sixty.” (Joan Rivers)
• “Time may be a great Healer, but it’s a lousy Beautician.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
• Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting “Man, what a ride!” (Hunter group.)

I have direct, hard experience with that last one.  It’s not pleasant.  

And our country is there in 3 … 2 … 1 …

Boy, ain’t that the truth! I’ve heard such utter CRAP come out of the media lately that it is downright unbelievable. It used to be that they at least TRIED to tell the truth…and they felt BAD when they got it wrong. Now, they lie to us with a straight face! It is simply unconscionable.

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. 

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. 

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry.  I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.” 

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. 

Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over one hundred and fifty thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.

And that’s where this one needs to end my friends.  

All out of time.

Until next time.