Okay, I have no idea what day it is. It’s Tuesday for me. That’s Tuesday March 25th. Yeah, THAT Tuesday. Okay, I gotta figure it out. Be right back.
Okay, for you guys, it’s Monday … like two weeks from now. April 7th. So yeah, I’m a bit ahead, but that’s a good thing. Because coming up, real soon, there is going to be another run of days where I’m not going to be able to do this, so it’s good to get ahead and stay ahead. So … yeah … let’s keep doing this.
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded.
“No !” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO !!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.
The last one is old…but appropriate.
YES! Yes, yes yes!!!!
A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he’s sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, “I’ll have another waterloo.”
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Thinking the other man’s drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, “I’ll have a waterloo, too.”
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink.
“Hey,” he says, “this isn’t any good. It tastes just like water!”
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, “Well, it is water.!
Right, Lou?”
Oh, come on! That one’s easy!
I’m SO tired of being cold!
We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like myself.
Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander.
A fast trip to the store led to the retro question,
“Can you tell me the way to sand, Jose?”
Pop Smith is gonna try to get me one of these! I can hardly wait!
I have so many questions!
And Bob is brilliant!
That guy is incredible! He looks to be like my age!
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
– T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
As I’ve said SO. MANY. TIMES. BEFORE.
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it’s leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, “Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?”
The second man replies, “I didn’t teach him. He’s done it ever since the wall fell on him.”
Today is Monday, Mary’s birthday, and I’m just trying to stay busy. So, since I don’t have anything to say right now, let’s just get to the fun stuff.
Sounds to me like you need one of these…
Screenshot
Oklahoma, Wynona Law
You can’t wash your clothes in a birdbath
The class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class.
The teacher did not see Johnnie.
She asked, “Where’s Johnnie?”
One of the students replied, “He’s in the bathroom, lying on the floor.”
She asked, “Why is he doing that?”
The child said, “I don’t know. He’s been like that since he stuck the scissors in the light socket.”
Yup, I agree Joe. That’ll do it.
Please, please, please tell me that you get that one.
Well, don’t tell me, tell me. I just hope there’s no one out there who doesn’t get that one. That would be too much for me to bear.
As an estate agent, I deal with all types of people.
Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room.
But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband asked, “Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it.”
You know … that’s a really good point. Just being you, being blessed by the Holy Spirit, is going to annoy the stuffing out of the demons that reside in SO MANY other people. No wonder there are so many jerks out there.
A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids 2. Taj Mahal 3. Grand Canyon 4. Panama Canal 5. Empire State Building 6. St. Peter’s Basilica 7. China’s Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn’t turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”
The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”
The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch 2. to taste 3. to see 4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added
5. to feel 6. to laugh! 7. and to love
The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and “ordinary” are truly wondrous.
A gentle reminder that the most precious things are before you: your family, your faith, your love, your good health and your friends.
I gotta say, that is about THE best answer I have ever read.
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
“Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime too.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” sighed the stockbroker. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?”
“Oh, nothing fancy like that,” grinned the convict. “I just killed a couple of priests.”
I like that a lot!
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger’s reservation that showed his name as “Cole, Pheven.”
“I’d like to be certain our information is correct,” I said to him. “What is your first name?”
“It’s Stephen,” he replied. “I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it’s spelled with a ph.”
Warning Signs of Inferior Cooking
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.
Someone broke a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
You have some idea what “peas porridge in a pot nine days old” tastes like.
When your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids’ favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids get even with neighborhood bullies by inviting them to dinner.
Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your thoughts.”
“Communicate my thoughts?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
Yeah, sometimes road rage be like that. And if anyone knows anything about road rage, you can imagine that an ancient blue dragon can instruct anyone!
So…I’m a bit ahead of the game.
It’s still Sunday.
No.
Not yesterday (for you guys).
A week ago yesterday.
I had some free time and I spent it with you guys. I’m relaxing. I have a bunch of homework to do, but that will come. Right now, it’s me time. Well, me and you time.
I am rewatching The Chosen, for like the fourth time, in preparation for season five coming out! I have the first four seasons on DVD and they are OUTSTANDING! For those of you out there who haven’t seen it, I can’t give it a higher recommendation!
You know, that’s not really good enough…
There you go! That’s better! Go watch it! And you know what’s even better? If you download the Chosen App, you can watch all four seasons … FOR FREE! Just mention Impish Dragon … no, I’m kidding. Just download the app, go buy the DVDs, or go to some of the online sites like Netflix and such and you can watch them. Maybe not Netflix, but Prime probably … I’m not sure, but I know I’ve seen it on some of them.
Anyway, I’m rambling, because I’m still not looking forward to Mary’s birthday tomorrow, so let’s get into the laughter while I binge on The Chosen.
I don’t know what it is, but for eighty bucks off, I gotta have it!
Puns and one-liners from Chris, some old, some new, all funny
To the person who stole my glasses…I will find you, I have contacts!
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Woke up the other day in a cold sweat, terrified that I overslept for work, but quickly realized I was already at work so breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Dad: Son, you’re adopted. Son: Wow, I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, “Darn, I forgot to feed the dog.”
Someone ripped the fifth page out of my calendar. I’m dismayed.
A lot of women say their husband never listens to them. I am proud to say I have never heard my wife say that.
Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
Just like the economy, my waistline has suffered from inflation over the years.
I asked if I could leave work early the other day, and the boss said yes, if I made up the time. I said “sure, it’s twenty past fourteen”.
Lately, coworkers have been writing names on the food in the office fridge. I’m currently eating a sandwich named Kevin.
Man who sneezes without tissues, takes the matters in his own hands.
A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period, it marks the end of his sentence.
My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table. He was a slow cook.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but catscan.
After my job interview, the boss handed me a helmet, sword, and armor. I asked him why? He said I would be working the knight shift.
A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: “I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.” Trucker: “Yeah, I feel really sick.” Assessor: “All right then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?” Trucker: “Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.” Assessor: “And what about the cabin in which you drive?” Trucker: “Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.” Assessor: “What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?” Trucker: “Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.” Assessor: “Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.” Trucker: “Yeah, that’s right. All lead.” Assessor: “Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.” Trucker: “I’m not suing for radiation poison. I claiming for lead poisoning!”
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
“I m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.
“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.
“O K,” said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought……………..
………………”I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”
This is is so very true!
A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung.
Joe was annoyed at Debbie’s indifference to what he felt was a poor job.
“The problem is that I’m a perfectionist and you’re not,” he finally said to her.
“Exactly!” she replied. “That’s why you married me and I married you!”
That one was sent in by our good friend, Joe from NJ…and you’ll never guess what his dear wife’s name is…
One of the greatest bits of advice I’ve EVER read.
Lynn sends us the most interesting things, sometimes…
If by accident or curiosity, you’ve tasted sea water……
This image shows the microfauna that exists within a single drop of seawater, expanded 25 times.
The salty taste of the sea isn’t just salt: there are cyanobacteria, zooplankton, worms, fish eggs, crab larvae, and plenty of other insects.
This next little essay was also sent into us by Lynn…
When folks ask if anyone has heard of any miracles taking place lately, they are looking for something that cannot be explained, or something that is so extraordinary that there is nothing else to say, except that it had to be a miracle…
We have all heard about people being resuscitated after nearly an hour under water, or after their heart stopped for that period of time, or an unexplained person seen at the scene of a disaster who helped save people, or any of thousands of stories that fall in line with what we consider to be miraculous events.
What about the miracles we see all around us every day?
If you go outside and pick up a hand-full of dirt, what do you see? What do you think about it? Sounds strange? Consider that the very dirt you hold in your hand also supports abundant life. It supports plants and vegetables, provides nourishment for them and a variety of bugs and insects. Don’t forget, God created Adam from the dust of the earth (Genesis 2:7).
The birth of a child is beyond anything that can be explained in rational terms of creating. Yes, doctors and others simply explain the process of a new human being from conception to birth… However, there is so much more to it than just a quick human idea. If you sit back and quietly ponder all that must take place for a human child to grow from the very first heartbeat, until birth, the only conclusion is that God created this life.
Have you looked up and seen the cloud above moving along providing rain to the ground? Did you know that one inch of rain falling over an area of one square mile is equal to 17.4 million gallons of water. That much water would weigh 143 million pounds! How can a cloud hold such weight if God does not tell it to?
Look up and see a rainbow! When you do, it is God’s promise to mankind that He will not flood the earth again as He did during the days of Noah.
What about the wind that brings relief and comfort on hot days? Where does it come from, and where does it go?
The earth is suspended by the command of God, nothing physically holding it up, nothing physically keeping it from just spinning off into space. Consider that the earth spins on its axis once in every 24-hour day. At Earth’s equator, the speed of Earth’s spin is about 1,000 miles per hour!
There are millions of other examples of miracles taking place around us every second of every day – we just seem to think we can explain them away as if they were nothing out of the ordinary.
Give God the thanks He deserves for allowing us to have the miracle of being chosen by Him to have life – and for all the unspeakable miracles He works for us during our lifetime!
While Joe and Debbie were shopping at a mall , a shapely young woman in a short form-fitting dress strolled by… Joe’s eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item Debbie was examining, she asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re now in?”
I’m not even going to bother telling you who that one is from.
The GREATEST gun ever invented.
Want to add one more thing…
I knew this was true, but now, after three years, I had no idea how MUCH this was true. Every. Single. Thing. HAS Changed. None of it for the better. The only thing in my life that is better, and that makes all the rest of it livable, is my Christian walk with God. I can give you examples for every single point made in this meme. For crying-out-loud, I’ve lost 150 pounds without trying! Just because I stopped eating in grief.
I’m not here to complain and I need to stop this RIGHT HERE or I’ll drop right into a pity party that is not only inappropriate, but wrong. I have more blessings than I have any right to. I am just really lonely and miss Mary. So, let’s draw this issue to a close and I’ll go start my homework that I need to get to. My love to all of you, until we speak again.
Today is Thursday and for me it’s still Saturday. Late on Saturday, but still Saturday. I, personally, still haven’t gone through Monday. You might remember, Monday was Mary’s birthday.
I was going to take the day off, but we have an exercise on Tuesday … from your perspective, we had an exercise on Tuesday … this is weird … so I have to be at work on Monday because I have things I have to do.
Izzy also is working on Monday. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s a thing. We went through the whole look at eternity on Monday, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss her while I’m experiencing my dot.
So, while I sit here and try really had not to cry because I’m so incredibly lonely right now, let’s go ahead and
This is the perfect spot to put in this story that Steve sent to me. I’m going to put it in here exactly as it was sent to me. If it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, either you are not a fan or you are not human.
I know many of you are Calvin and Hobbs appreciators, and perhaps you will get as much satisfaction out of this little story as I did!
In the darkness Calvin heard the sound of Susie, his wife of fifty-three years. Calvin struggled to open his eyes. God, he was so tired and it took so much strength. Slowly, light replaced the darkness, and soon vision followed. At the foot of his bed stood his wife. Calvin wet his dry lips and spoke hoarsely, “Did… did you…. find him?”
“Yes dear,” Susie said smiling sadly, “He was in the attic.”
Susie reached into her big purse and brought out a soft, old, orange tiger doll. Calvin could not help but laugh. It had been so long. Too long.
“I washed him for you,” Susie said, her voice cracking a little as she laid the stuffed tiger next to her husband.
“Thank you, Susie.” Calvin said.
A few moments passed as Calvin just laid on his hospital bed, his head turned to the side, staring at the old toy with nostalgia.
“Dear,” Calvin said finally. “Would you mind leaving me alone with Hobbes for a while? I would like to catch up with him.”
“All right,” Susie said. “I’ll get something to eat in the cafeteria. I’ll be back soon.”
Susie kissed her husband on the forehead and turned to leave. With sudden but gentle strength Calvin stopped her. Lovingly he pulled his wife in and gave her a passionate kiss on the lips. “I love you,” he said.
“And I love you,” said Susie.
Susie turned and left. Calvin saw tears streaming from her face as she went out the door.
Calvin then turned to face his oldest and dearest friend. “Hello Hobbes. It’s been a long time hasn’t it old pal?”
Hobbes was no longer a stuffed doll but the big furry old tiger Calvin had always remembered. “It sure has, Calvin.” said Hobbes.
“You… haven’t changed a bit.” Calvin smiled.
“You’ve changed a lot.” Hobbes said sadly.
Calvin laughed, “Really? I haven’t noticed at all.”
There was a long pause. The sound of a clock ticking away the seconds rang throughout the sterile hospital room.
“So… you married Susie Derkins.” Hobbes said, finally smiling. “I knew you always like her.”
“Shut up!” Calvin said, his smile bigger than ever.
“Tell me everything I missed. I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to!” Hobbes said, excited.
And so Calvin told him everything. He told him about how he and Susie fell in love in high school and had married after graduating from college, about his three kids and four grandkids, how he turned Spaceman Spiff into one of the most popular sci-fi novels of the decade, and so on. After he told Hobbes all this there was another pregnant pause.
“You know… I visited you in the attic a bunch of times.” Calvin said.
“I know.”
“But I couldn’t see you. All I saw was a stuffed animal.” Calvin voice was breaking and tears of regret started welling up in his eyes.
“You grew up old buddy.” said Hobbes.
Calvin broke down and sobbed, hugging his best friend. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry I broke my promise! I promised I wouldn’t grow up and that we’d be together forever!!”
Hobbes stroke the Calvin’s hair, or what little was left of it. “But you didn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“We were always together… in our dreams.”
“We were?”
“We were.”
“Hobbes?”
“Yeah, old buddy?”
“I’m so glad I got to see you like this… one last time…”
“Me too, Calvin. Me too.”
“Sweetheart?” Susie voice came from outside the door.
“Yes dear?” Calvin replied.
“Can I come in?” Susie asked.
“Just a minute.”
Calvin turned to face Hobbes one last time. “Goodbye Hobbes. Thanks… for everything…”
“No, thank you Calvin.” Hobbes said.
Calvin turned back to the door and said, “You can come in now.”
Susie came in and said, “Look who’s come to visit you.”
Calvin’s children and grandchildren followed Susie into Calvin’s room. The youngest grandchild ran past the rest of them and hugged Calvin in a hard, excited hug. “Grandpa!!” screamed the child in delight.
“Francis!” cried Calvin’s daughter, “Be gentle with your grandfather.”
Calvin’s daughter turned to her dad. “I’m sorry, Daddy. Francis never seems to behave these days. He just runs around making a mess and coming up with strange stories.”
Calvin laughed and said, “Well now! That sound just like me when I was his age.”
Calvin and his family chatted some more until a nurse said, “Sorry, but visiting hours are almost up.”
Calvin’s beloved family said good bye and promised to visit tomorrow. As they turned to leave Calvin said, “Francis. Come here for a second.”
Francis came over to his grandfather’s side, “What is it Gramps?”
Calvin reached over to the stuffed tiger on his bedside and held him out shakily to his grandson, who looked exactly as he did so many years ago. “This is Hobbes. He was my best friend when I was your age. I want you to have him.”
“He’s just a stuffed tiger.” Francis said, eyebrows raised.
Calvin laughed, “Well, let me tell you a secret.”
Francis leaned closer to Calvin. Calvin whispered, “If you catch him in a tiger trap using a tuna sandwich as bait he will turn into a real tiger.”
Francis gasped in delighted awe. Calvin continued, “Not only that he will be your best friend forever.”
“Wow! Thanks grandpa!” Francis said, hugging his grandpa tightly again.
“Francis! We need to go now!” Calvin’s daughter called.
“Okay!” Francis shouted back.
“Take good care of him.” Calvin said.
“I will.” Francis said before running off after the rest of the family.
Calvin laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. The time to go was close. He could feel it in his soul. Calvin tried to remember a quote he read in a book once. It said something about death being the next great adventure or something like that. He eyelids grew heavy and his breathing slowed. As he went deeper into his final sleep he heard Hobbes, as if he was right next to him at his bedside. “I’ll take care of him, Calvin…”
Calvin took his first step toward one more adventure and breathed his last with a grin on his face.
Credits: samuraitiger19 – from reddit
Note from the author – on reddit: “Wow… just wow… I am speechless here guys. I did not expect such a reaction to my story or prompt. I am not worthy of your praise or your gold. I am truly humbled. Thanks so much! I’m truly glad so my story touched so many people”.
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole — he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole — fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!”
The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself Becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
“Christian replied “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. ”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”…
…..”I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again Christian”.
That is true so much more often than we ever realize.
One night at an economy motel, a business man ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. “Good morning,” a young man said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”
Annoyed, he let the hotel worker have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!…. he complained. “What if he had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”
“Well, sir,” the desk clerk quickly replied, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn’t be staying in this motel!”
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day.
That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck.
“Where’s Harry?”, asked another hunter.
“He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”
“It was a tough decision,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”
I’ve heard of the difference between these two, but this little piece by Lynn lays it all out very nicely in words and pictures. Thanks Lynn. Quite scary really.
UK Fanta gets its color from carrots, pumpkins, and orange fruit, while the US version gets it from dyes (red 40 and yellow 6).
Also about 3 times as much sugar in the US version versus the UK version, and the US Fanta has high fructose corn syrup while the UK version has sugar.
Also there’s no orange juice in American Fanta.
I used to like Fanta, when I could still drink carbonated drinks (that’s a long story that we don’t need to go into right now), and I don’t believe I ever had a UK Fanta while I was stationed there, but I am really curious to try one now!
That’s it folks. That puts Thursday’s issue in the box. Let’s now get started on next Monday’s, shall we?
Today is Monday…for you guys. For me, it’s Saturday.
Monday, today, is Mary’s birthday.
She would have been 57 years old today. Instead, she is in Heaven, with a perfect body, with our Heavenly Father and Jesus and having a glorious time.
It’s just me and the rest of her family who misses her.
But that is just for a short time. In the scheme of things, a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty short time. Here, picture this. See this dot –> . Picture that dot, floating in space, right outside of earth’s orbit. Just sitting there minding it’s own business. Now, that dot represents your life. Your WHOLE life. Birth to death. Everything you do, all the time you have to accept Christ, worship God, love your family, work, etc. That little bitty dot.
And the whole universe represents eternity after you die. That great vastness. To spend with God, Jesus, your family and friends who get there, too. So why stress over the dot? Just accept Christ as your savior.
Preaching done…for now.
In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock.
I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.
A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time.
Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced,
“It is exactly ten o’watch.”
That one was put together by our own Pete. Read from top right to bottom right to top left to bottom left.
And it’s all so wrong.
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights.
Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar.
Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door’s edge, ready to fall on him.
As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, “Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!”
It was then he realized we’d removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.
…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
It’s worth it. We’ll pay the tariff.
My neighbor reached 100 yesterday.
That’s the last time I ride with her when she’s late for BINGO.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said on the inside or outside, so he walks out the front door, comes back in and says both. Moments like this got me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet…I get hungry.
Just because I like to walk around in my underwear eating Doritos does not make me strange. You folks in aisle 4 just need to stop staring.
I was so tired last night I fell asleep next to the kitchen sink. I’m totally drained this morning.
I have a fear of skydiving, I may like it, but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions.
Many people are judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open.
I ordered a new sail for my boat, but realized I’d made a mistake. When I called to change the order, the person that answered said, “Sorry, that sail has shipped”.
I hate hotel bath towels. So thick and fluffy that I can’t even close my suitcase.
I’ve just heard that Little Red Riding Hood has been in hospital. She is recovering fortunately, but doctors say she’s not out of the woods yet.
I was fired from the Psychic Hotline because they said I wasn’t doing a good job. I didn’t see that coming
My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
So whenever I think of the 80’s, I always think of a boom box. Maybe that’s just a stereo type.
I can’t believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician…I was just sitting there doing nothing.
That ends Monday’s issues. Until we meet again my friends.
Dragon Laffs 