I should thank Aussie Pete more often for the headers that he sends me.  I have so many stocked up and ready to use that I may never have to make up another one on my own (unless I feel like it) again. 

This one today really speaks to my current mood.

Today is Tuesday, as I’m writing this and I took the day off, first, because I worked all weekend and I have some hours to kill.  I don’t get overtime because, as a supervisor, my OT rate is like $1 more than my regular rate, but because it’s technically OT it is taxed higher and I end up  losing money. So, when I work the weekend, I just try to take time off during the week to make my biweekly hours (80) work out right. So I worked Saturday and Sunday so I’m taking Tuesday and Friday off.

The second reason I’m taking today off is because Izzy is off and we are going to do some “chores” around the house today.

But, back to why that header is speaking to me. I’ve been feeling a little down the past few days. Working by butt off, feeling lonely, thinking about retirement, I have buddy Wheats who’s still recovering from his heart attack, one of our church members just passed away, a Christian brother that I met in Florida when my brother passed away just broke his femur and had surgery, I was asked to pick up a couple of extra classes, FBI is getting ready to start back up again and now I’m the administrator and there’s work involved with that, that I’m still learning, and I’m trying to get ahold of the prison where one of my jail guys got sent to because I mailed him a bible, followed all the rules, and they still didn’t give it to him when it arrived.

But on the other side, I needed to run to the store this morning before Izzy got up, so I jumped on the trike and had a fast ride this morning. This, of course, put a big smile on my face, lightened my mood, and made me feel like a million bucks. So, look at the picture again and you can see the two moods present at the same time and understand why that one is speaking to me this morning.

Izzy is now up, but is no where NEAR ready to start choring, so I’m with you guys for a little while longer.  I should be pretty happy.  It’s only 9:15 and it’s her day off and she’s up.  I’ll give her some grace.

In the mean time…

No wait! Let’s do this update first!

As you can see, we have more $ signs up there.  More people to thank this morning! I love you guys! You are doing such a great job! Here we go:

Henry S.   Pop Smith   Steven H.   Michael F.   Catherine B.   Donald G.   Stephen B.   Kristine M.   Leah H.   Edmund R.   Sammye C.   Kenny B.   Jonathon J.   Ted H.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  You guys are awesome!

And now…

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since  he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.  

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. 

“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

It’s doubtful. If you look to the left, it almost looks like he already HAS a belt that doesn’t seem to be working. I’m thinking there’s no hope.

By the way, Izzy and I got our chores done for the day. Only for the day. We did not complete everything that I wanted to do. But, we did get quite a bit done…so I’m happy with that. So, I’m back with you guys.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work out well.

What’s the difference between an elephant and spaghetti?
Elephants don’t slip off the end of your fork.

And when it was real music.

Too true.

Subtle.

Karma is rough my friends.

Wow, there is so much truth in that. We’ve spoken before about false teachers and impasters.  Satan knows the Bible better than any of us and it’s not so much that he lies as much as he doesn’t quite tell the whole truth.

I can see that.  It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it.

A German man is traveling through Poland when he’s stopped at a security checkpoint. The Polish Security Officer asks, “Where are you traveling from?”

The German man says, “Berlin.”

The Polish Security Officer asks, “Occupation?”

The German man says, “No, just visiting.”

“Yup,” says all the grandpas out there. If you don’t understand that it’s not about the wrapping paper, it’s about the contents of the package.

NICE!

Yup. Goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Impasters. And like I tell Izzy all the time, just because you call yourself a Christian that doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

He’s disappointing me more and more. The latest thing was the redistricting in Texas.  Yes, I know that the democrats do it ALL THE TIME. Ridiculously so. But, it is NOT the President’s place to suggest it or insist it upon anyone.

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

Wow, reminds me of my neighbor. I know I’ve told you about him. Replaces his front door about once a month. Has a stack of front doors next to his garage. Yeah, that guy.

That is so cool…and so sad that they ruined it.

I think this is so cool that the entire country works to make things easier for a certain few. Now THAT’S an example of patriotism!!!

Yeah … I would be too… or maybe even arrested.

Sure…any logical person would believe that.

This was sent in by Leah D.  I liked it so much I downloaded it and added it to my collection. Oh! And I am NOT a country music fan.

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes. 

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbour man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. 

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. 

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. 

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

Another policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. 

The startled dog jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. 

Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. 

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed…

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” 

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous….”

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.” How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 18.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

The two ‘elderly citizens’ were talking.

“I guess you’re never too old,” the one said. “I was on the university campus and this pretty little coed said she’d be interested in dating me. I just don’t understand it.”

“Well,” his friend replied, “women are more aggressive these days; they don’t mind being the first to ask.”

“No I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, maybe you remind her of her father,” his pal ventured.

 “I don’t think it’s that, either. It’s just that she also mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

I do not believe in diets. The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

And that is that is that is that. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Remember to donate by going to the website at dragonlaffs.com or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can tell you of all the other ways you can donate.

In the mean time, may our dear Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Wow! News and news and news!

Let’s start with this first! Since I had gotten  a little ahead with issues I got a little behind in thanking people for donations as of right now, Saturday afternoon, we’re here:

Really special thanks go out to:

Henry S.    Pop Smith    Steve H.    Michael F.  Catherine B.    Donald G.    Stephen B.    Kristine M.    Leah H.    Edmund R.

You guys are truly amazing.  Thank you.  We have a bit further to go, but we still have plenty of time. This is a fantastic start. From only ten people.  Thank you, thank you, .. 

You can donate by going to the website: dragonlaffs.com and in the upper right hand corner there is a donate button that takes you through PayPal. Or, you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you my snail mail address (no, I’m NOT going to publish it here … although I’d bet it’s really not that hard to find on line) or I can give you a code to Zelle … I could probably put that on here, but I’m not sure how safe that is to publish to the public…Henry, you could probably answer that for me.  Is it safe to put like that QR code on here?  Could a malicious person do something with that to get into my account? I also have Venmo, but would probably require Izzy Dragon’s help with that one.  I only ever used that once or twice.

So, there you have it.

I used to say that if everyone who read just paid to buy me a cup of coffee everything would be more than paid for … but nowadays, I’m not sure.  But then again, with the price of coffee nowadays, that’s still probably true.

Next news…

I have the trike back!  Finally! I’m back on the road again!

Okay, so eventually, I’m going to have to get someone to get a picture of me from the front. This is from the buddy of mine who took me down to Kokomo to pick it up.  If I remember correctly, this may have been the point where I was doing my sprint of 73 mph.  Hey, don’t hate. The speed limit was 60 and US 31 is becoming #autobaun and trust me, I was cruising at 67ish and was IN THE WAY.  Even 20 years ago when I was dispatching for the State Police, the unwritten rule on the highway was if you were 9 over you were fine, at 10 you could be in trouble.  The key word being “could”.

Funny story.  That evening, after I got home from work, I had to drop off a couple of workbooks to one of my ministerial partners on the other side of town, so I jumped on the trike and hooked my eyeglasses over the front of my shirt.  You know what I mean when I say that? You know, like this: 

Okay, kind of like that (unbelievable how hard it was to find a pic!), but you get what I’m saying.  Anyway, hooked my glasses, jumped on the trike, ran my errand, got home, glasses are gone.

Man, do I feel like a complete idiot.  In my defense, the shirt was a tight Tee and there really wasn’t any reason why they should have flown out.  I was in town and never really got over 30 … okay, maybe 35 … 40.  Okay, I’m beginning to see your point.

Anyway, with the Izzerts help, I found an old pair of glasses and went to the eye doctor’s office the next day to tell them that I had lost my glasses and got picked on by them for HOW I lost my glasses.  Now, this was 10:35 in the morning.  My plan was to just run out there, get things set up and run back to work.  

They said, well, you should really have an exam before we order you new glasses. I’m standing next to the eye glass counter and the doctor counter is right across from them.  I’m basically standing between these two very nice ladies who are now determined to take care of me whether I want them to or not.  The completely stop talking to me.

When was the last time he had an exam.
It was long enough ago that he can have another and be covered. (By my insurance apparently)
Lens and frames?
Yup
Who does he have?
Davis
He needs an appointment
We just had a cancellation at 10:40
Great! He’ll take it! … or … um… I think.  Bob, can you…

By this point I’m laughing out loud and said, “Sure, I can stay, especially since the two of you already have it all set up.  What choice do I have.” And the two of them looked so proud of themselves. The one lady told me that I was all checked in and to go and have a seat and I would be called back shortly.

Amazing, right? Now, the other amazing thing is that my eye insurance had actually improved. The next dear lady who helped me told me that my insurance plan had added so many bells and whistles I got the scratch resistance, glare stuff, the thing that makes the glasses go dark outside, the blue protection for computers, and a bunch of stuff I don’t even remember, all as part of my plan.  The only bad thing was that with this entire showroom FULL of frames, I was only allowed to pick off of one little spindle rack without it costing me more money, but glasses are glasses.  But this sweet lady helped me and told me which ones looked good and was very picky and told me why they looked good and made sure I didn’t pick a pair that wouldn’t work because of my trifocals and actually took the pair that we both agreed on and put them back (they were kind of gold) and grabbed another pair that were the same glasses but were a smokey color while we were on the way back to the fitting area.  She said, “Try these on for me.”

Then she looked at me and said, “Oh yeah.  I like those much better.  They suit your coloration much better than the other ones do.” And I guess I agreed with her once I tried both of them on. When I told Izzy she said, “Eww! Not gold. Not for you.”  So I guess it was a good choice.

Then, after the fitting and the lining up and all that she started filling everything out.  Now, the last time I got a whole set of glasses, with the exact same insurance, with far fewer bells and whistles, it was like $250 and this was several years ago.  Lately all I’ve been doing is updating my lenses, so I was up for about $300.  She figured it all out and sat back and said, “Wow. Your insurance has really improved. You’re getting almost a $700 pair of glasses.  Your copay is $74.”

I said, “Quick!  Where do I pay before you change your mind.”  The other problem with my insurance is that Davis takes forever to get the glasses back, so I’m figuring on around the first of September before I see my new glasses and these old ones are giving me a MONSTER headache.

So that is my long and extended opening, and before I get started on another story…

Okay, let’s do a group on a theme to get us started, shall we?

Okay, another one of these…I’ll help out again.

Which of course, is a great reply…she’d still get slapped into tomorrow, but still … nice come back.

(Thanks Steve)

My friend is a highly successful poultry farmer…
Yep, he’s a chick magnate!

My child is jaded. When I read her the above caption, “Surgery is stabbing someone to life.” Her response was, “I mean, not always.”

That is pretty cool.

Killing your father is called patricide.
Killing your mother is called matricide.
So, what is killing your friend called?
Homie-cide

What do you mean?  I do!

Yes she was! Said all of us grandpas everywhere!

And not a single one of us is surprised at ALL.

My son couldn’t sleep. So, I told him there are cows sleeping in the field outside.
He said: “What’s that go to do with anything?”
I replied: “Because it’s pasture bedtime.”

Did you know that French fries weren’t first cooked in France?
They’re actually cooked in Greece.

Living beyond your means takes twice as much money as it used to.

Mary hated the idea of surgery. So, she was very upset when the doctor informed her that she needed a tonsillectomy. Mary after much deliberation, decided to go ahead and have the procedure.

While she and the nurse were filling out an admission form, she was so nervous she couldn’t think straight or hardly speak. The nurse, being a compassionate sort, patted her hand and said, “Don’t worry. This is a simple medical procedure, and a problem that can easily be fixed.” 

“I am sure you are right. I’m being silly,” Mary said, “Please continue.”

“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?”

You Know You Are Out of College When:
– Your potted plants stay alive.
– Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
– You have to pay your own credit card bill.

– Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
– “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
– “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

– Jeans, flannels, and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
– You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
– You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

– You go to parties that police don’t raid.
– You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
– Your car insurance goes down.

– You refer to college students as kids.
– You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
– Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

I missed this one with the earlier theme.

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”

That one doesn’t surprise me at all.

I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

So, this one was a lot of fun. I hope it was as much fun for you as it was for me. Thank you again to everyone who has donated to paying the bills for this ezine. I told you I would keep doing it until it wasn’t fun anymore or until you guys didn’t cover the expenses. We’re about half way there right now and yes, it’s still a lot of fun…but it’s also a lot of work.

Anyway, until next time, my dear friends.

I’m not sure why Aussie Pete sent me the above header, or why he’s trying to celebrate Christmas in July, but who am I to question the genius of the AP?

So, today is Sunday and this one is going out on … I don’t know … sometime in the future. Actually in August I think. So, the whole Christmas in July thing is WASTED! I’m so ashamed!

But! I’m sitting here after church. I talked to buddy Wheats, who’s recovering well from his heart attack, I’m eating the world’s greatest cookie, the oatmeal raisin, and I’m writing to you guys, so I’m pretty sure that

So, with all of that …

I sent that picture to the Whelpling and told him that I had found him a new truck…he hasn’t responded. 

I LOVE that!  I’m going to start using that. For fairy tales, stories, lies, and war stories of all kinds. “Back when tigers used to smoke, we used to…” Just awesome! And I’m old enough to get away with that!

Power to the People!

The “Ribbed for her pleasure” part is a really nice touch by somebody. That just goes out of the way to prove that it wasn’t a mistake.

So very true. Fix it and move on, my friend.

Amen! And you are QUITE WELCOME to go back to there!

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

Okay, you know this is coming, right?

1 Kings 19:12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. Learn to listen for that still small voice. Satan’s voice is a big loud voice. It’s meant to distract, confuse, and draw away your attention. The still small voice requires your thoughtful, concentrated, undivided attention…for a reason.

Humanity is losing its geniuses.
Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died…

…and I’m not feeling well today, either.

A man went skydiving for the first time. “It’s easy,” said the instructor.
“Just count to five and pull on the main chute,” the instructor continued.

“If that doesn’t open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute.”
“Super easy,” he concluded. “Then you’ll float slowly to the ground, and

our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport.”
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main chute. Nothing

happened. He pulled on the reserve chute. Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said:

“I bet that bus won’t be there to pick me up either.”

Jack: “I’m taking a weight lifting class. Every week the postal carrier brings me a new set of weights.”
Bob: “Gee, you don’t look like you’ve gained any muscle.”
Jack: “No, but you ought to see the postal carrier!”

I moved into a bungalow recently.
I was going to move into a house, but that’s another story.

Okay wait. So…if this guy had a total of ten towers, he would work a total of twenty days a year … no, let’s say he had to drive there the day before and drive home the next day so that means that he’d have to work a total of sixty days a year…the equivalent of 3 of our Monday through Friday Months. Or, if he did one a week. Drive there on Tuesday, climb the tower on Wednesday and drive home on Thursday, he would have to work twenty 3-day weeks a year and he would make $400,000 a year doing that. Or, if he really wanted to load down his schedule and do one a week … if there were that many towers around for him to do, he could do 52 3-day weeks a year for $1,040,000. I’m overwhelmed with the possibilities of this.

The Impish has been sayin’ that for a while now.

A three-year-old, WIDE EYED, little girl was on the phone, “I KID YOU NOT!

This guy in a white dress or robe tries to drown me! He puts me under water and my family just stood there taking pictures.”

Great Clock

Been there, done that.

My grandpa recently told me that my generation was too reliant on technology.
“No, grandpa, your generation is too reliant on technology,” I retorted as I unplugged him from life-support.

Has my mouth gotten me in trouble?

Yes

Has it made people angry?

Yes

Am I going to stop speaking my mind?

Not a chance!

Wife: I’m not talking to you!

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Don’t you want to know why?

Husband: No. I respect and trust your decision.

A pastor giving a children’s sermon on vestments asked, “Why do you think I wear this collar?”

One of the children answered, “Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?”

That’s it my friends. Time for dinner.  I didn’t get a chance to get an update on contributions because you guys haven’t seen the first one yet, so were still right here:

So, for the next issue we should have a NICE update. Go to PayPal by way of the website at dragonlaffs.com, or reach out to me for the other ways by writing to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and until then, 

And hello again my dear friends.  I just finished off the last one, so I really don’t have anything to add to this one.

Oh wait! Yes, I do!

Tomorrow is August and it’s time to start our annual donation drive. Although I hate this time of year, let’s get this started. Here’s the deal. I do this as long as the bills are paid. I don’t put advertising on the website to raise money because I HATE advertising on websites. I don’t charge money to raise money or any of that stuff. Once a year I ask for donations. Since I’ve been doing this, every year we’ve met the expenses of this thing. As soon as we don’t, that tells me that my time has come and it’s time for me to do something else.

So, there it is. There are a couple of ways to donate. You can go to the website (dragonlaffs.com) and right at the top of the page is a donate button that will take you through PayPal.  

Some people don’t like PayPal, so if you’d like to donate by cash or check, send me an email at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I’ll give you my snail mail address. No, I’m not going to print it out here because I promised the local authorities not to eat people who burn crosses on my front lawn.

I can also do Zelle, which is bank to bank, which is way cool the more I learn about it. And I could probably stumble through Venmo if Izzy Dragon helps me out. 

So, there it is. This year’s Annual Pay The Bills Fund Raiser is now officially Open

And we have one green $ because we already have one donation.  Okay, I take that back. When I went and checked PayPal (I hate the new PayPal app), I found out that we have ANOTHER donation! So, I have to fix the sign… be right back.

Okay, so we have TWO green $ because we already have TWO donations. Special thanks go out to Pop Smith and Steve H. Thank you guys! Deeply appreciated!

Well, we are well on our way! BEST START EVER!

 

That one always hits me hard!

This one is AWESOME! LOL! LOL! Very short. Very funny. Click if you want a good laugh.

HERE

Or the people who think you park like an entitled princess.  

Chuck E. Cheese mascot busted for debit card theft in Florida: Police

A Chuck E. Cheese’s mascot has been arrested in Florida after a customer ratted him out as an alleged thief, police said.

A worker dressed in a Chuck E. Cheese costume at one of the kid-friendly pizza chain’s franchises in Tallahassee, Florida, was taken into custody Wednesday night on larceny charges and hauled out of the restaurant in handcuffs as children looked on, according to police and images of the incident that emerged on social media.

Click on the title for the rest of the article.

You sir, are a dead man.

Okay, so I had to check. Although it’s not used as much anymore, it is STILL used to instill vanilla and strawberry flavoring into foods.

31 Reasons Why Florida Is Basically Another Planet

Okay, so some of these are REALLY WEIRD and others are … so yeah … it’s Florida. Worth the read.

There is an old story about the data center of the future. 

This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. 

The man’s job is to feed the dog. 

The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

My second-grade student came running up to me, whining. “Look what Robert stuck on my back!”  It was a sticky note with the words “Kick me, I’m stupid” written on it. 

I took Robert aside and lectured him on how to treat people with kindness and the importance of being polite and encouraging. 

A few minute later, I heard, “Look what Robert stuck on my back!” 

It was that first little boy, holding another sticky note. This one said, “Kick me, I’m smart.”

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember:

You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
– John Gotti

This one just came in from Lynn…take if for what it’s worth.

Yeah, we’ve done that before and I’ve played the YouTube that goes along with it before…but I still like it because it brings back my childhood.

GREAT reference to another GREAT parable.

While perusing a curio shop in Texas, Harold’s eye is drawn to the skull of a horse sitting on a high shelf.

“Pardon me, but what’s this?’ he asks the shops keeper.

“That,” the shop keeper replies. “Is the actual skull of Trigger, the horse belonging to legendary Wild West hero Roy Rogers.” 

“How much is it?” Harold asks. 

“This little gem is $3,000.” 

Harold hadn’t wished to spend quite that much, so he asks the shop keeper if she had anything cheaper, upon which she reaches under the counter and takes out a smaller horse skull. “This is only $500.” 

“Well, that sounds like a good deal,” Harold replies. “Whose skull is it?”

“It’s Trigger’s skull from when he was just a colt.”

Such great truth!

Excellent Reasons to Give Pets Boring Human Names:

1. To see how long it takes co-workers to realize you’re talking about a pet and not a significant other (“Dave and I were watching a movie in bed the other night”)

1.b. or about a kid (“Maria’s not allowed to eat raisins, she’s allergic”)

2. You an use them as an excuse (“Taylor hates it when I get home late”)

3. Eventually you get to say things like “Jennifer got stuck between the wall and the refrigerator … again.”

I just ordered a special license plate for my vehicle:

BAA BAA

It should look cool on my black Jeep.

And that, my friends, puts another one to bed. I’m going to call it quits for today and probably start working on the next one slowly. I have homework to do for all my classes and trying to get things ready to go. So for now…

So, that’s what I got when I said “Create a dragon like me.”…so anyway, Good morning my friends.  Before we get started, I have to fix something that I was remiss about on Saturday.  Something I forgot to do.

I know, heaven forbid, there was something that I, the great and powerful Impish Dragon, forgot to do!  Right? But … oh look, squirrel!  

Right, something I forgot.

Stephanie’s birthday was Saturday and should have been in Saturday’s issue.  Now, of course on Saturday, I wished a happy birthday privately, but I have been wishing her a happy birthday on here for many years and didn’t want to break with tradition, but … as I get older and my mind begins to fade … 

NO!

QUIT THAT!  I forgot.  I was busy.

I hope you had a happy birthday dear friend.  Now, let’s move on for the rest of us.

We’ve lost a lot of people lately. We can only hope that they were all saved and headed to the right place.

No more guesses? Okay… fine. Be that way. No one is interested. So, let’s just get this out  of the way, after the next rotation I’ll show you which one is me. 

What’s a rotation?

Never mind. I know what it is, and it’s how I keep track of where I am in the issue.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
 
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
 
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
 
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

Okay, this is me:

The weird looking kid in the front. That’s me. I have no idea how or why this picture was taken.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen them in person.  April of 71 I was 12 years old. I wouldn’t be 13 until later on that year.

Another really good one from Stephanie.  Click HERE

Yup!

So PERFECT!!!!!!!

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

When Joe from NJ sent this to me all he said in the subject line was AGREED!. So, this made me very curious (being a dragon) so I went on line and found this: it is a short, so don’t worry.

Okay, so a little tedious, but when I did a little more research, I found out that the full Brahms Requiem takes between 65 and 80 minutes I completely understood the quote. As patient a dragon as I am, and let me tell you, for a dragon, I am extraordinarily patient, I would’ve completely razed the performance hall after about ten minutes of THAT! Even worse to find out that it’s in German (which makes sense) and written to his mother.

Ummm…nope, never mind.

Does that sound like your church? It sounds like mine. Maybe not the physical building I go to ALL the time, but most of the time. But the CHURCH I belong to? 100%

What’s the difference between the building you go to and the church you belong to?

Thanks, I’m glad you asked. The building I go to is where me and other church members (and other people) meet to get recharged to go back out and serve the Lord. The other people go there to learn about the Lord. The Church is ALL of us who have given our lives over to the Lord. Does that make sense? Did I explain that well enough?

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. 

I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Another in the LONG line of “Why’s it always gotta be Bob?”

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. 

 “I’m sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.” 

One of his buddies asked, “What happened?  What could have gotten you so upset?”

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, “This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole.” 

“Oh my God”, the other golfers said.  “That must have been horrible!” 

“Horrible? You think it’s horrible?”

Bob continued still very distressed.  “It was worse than that! Every hole  for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball,  drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…” 

Another good one from Stephanie (of course) so click

HERE

Reenactment of a beautiful parable. I don’t know who this guy is, but he is doing such a GREAT job.  We’ve seen him before. Click HERE.

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.”

“Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How the heck does that fit in here?” 

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.  The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?” 

The old man answers, “Is name of owner.” 

The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?” 

“Me, is right here,” replies the old man. 

“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?” 

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, “What your name?” He say, “Hans Olaffsen.” Then she look at me and go, ‘What your name?'” “I say, Sem Ting.”

And another

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go, and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. 

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. 

“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.” 

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

“Two million dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” 

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”  

Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.  The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

That’s it for this issue my friend. I’m going to jump right into the next issue to try and get ahead.