Well, back to a somewhat normal issue after all the special issues.  But soon, like probably starting with the next issue, I’ll have to start adding Christmas cartoons and memes because I have over 900 of them in my files. That doesn’t even count the new ones that you guys will be sending me.

Man, I love this job!

Especially when I get comments like this one from a new commenter: 

dinosaurunadulterated:  I just want to say … I love your sends, always a nice variety!!  So many fun giggles to make my day! Thanks for taking the time to do this…You Rock!

Now, I may not answer all of the comments that I get on the site and I’m not really sure that you guys can see the replies when I do reply, but I do read all of them, and I have to  tell you, that it’s comments like that, that make all this worthwhile.  It is nice to be appreciated for what you do.  Thanks Dino!

Now, before I get too maudlin, …

That’s another sign I need. Put it next to the one about ammo being expensive and we no longer fire a warning shot.

 

 

There’s no WAY that serial number is random!

 

 

Well, that’s about as blank as they come.

 

 

Return your shopping cart. How much of a true heathen do you have to be to leave your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot?  It’s almost worse than littering.  With littering, it’s a casual disregard for anyone else. You’re just a slob who probably doesn’t even rinse their dirty dishes or helps with the chores around the house. But with a shopping cart, it’s a calculated snobbery. A purposeful assholery designed to prove your perceived self-importance.  Because you must move said shopping cart out of the way of YOUR vehicle, but can’t be bothered to keep it out of the way of other people’s vehicle or move it to the cart coral or back up to the store where it belongs because it’s … what?  Too much trouble?  Too far out of the way?  You know where I see the fewest carts?  Near the handicap parking spots.  Think about that for a minute. So, if someone who’s entitled to a handicap spot can manage to put their cart up, but you can’t … ?

Okay, I’m done with that pet peeve.  We won’t even get started on serving staff.

Understanding Engineers Lingo

Percussive maintenance – I hit it and it started working 

Cycle power to the panel – Turn it off and on again 

High impedance air gap – I forgot to plug it in 

Organic grounding – I got electrocuted 

Thermally reconfigured – It melted 

Kinetic disassembly – It blew up 

No kidding…

 

 

Can’t prove it by us.

 

 

“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbour. “Why on earth did you get married?”

“I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply.

“He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. “I can’t take it any more! We’ve got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!”

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence.

“Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren.”

My 17 year old daughter, Steph who had just received her provisional diving licence offered to drive us to church.

After a wild ride, we finally reached our destination.

Steph’s mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Steph replied.

As my wife slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

Old man on park bench crying. A concerned pedestrian enquires, “why are you crying?”

Old man: “I just celebrated my 85th birthday, and I got married yesterday to an 18 year old nyphomaniac blonde beauty who is all a man
could ask for”.

Pedestrian: “Why are you crying ?”

Old man: “I don’t remember where I live.”

Shopping carts

 

 

Marg: I’ll tell you one thing! I’m never going out with my friend Stephanie again! 

Gail: Why on earth not? You two are best friends!

Marg: Yeah, well, last night a good-looking man walked up to our table at the bar, said hello, and told us his name. 
I told him that my name is Marg, and introduced my friend Stephanie. He said, “Wow! On a one to ten scale, you two ladies make a twenty!” 

I said, “Really?”

He said, “Yeah! Your friend Stephanie here is definitely a 15!”

When you walk away from your problems, be sure to give them over to God.

 

 

This is one of the worst things that I’ve ever heard of! I’d have gotten his name and his company and filed a formal complaint at the very least.

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

Edith Wharton (1862 – 1937) 

A college student has been thrown out of his apartment for not paying his rent, so he sends an e-mail to his father.

“Please send money. I’m in the street.”

The father replies, “Have no money. Watch out for cars.”

 

 

  I know a LOT of people for which this would be a deal breaker of EVER going to Australia.  

 

 

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year.

As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, “Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!”

“I know,” replied Bernie, “but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”

“That’s great,” the Rabbi said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.”

“Yep,” Bernie said proudly, “Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.”

And that’s it for this one my friends.

With this weekend being what it is, I’m going to try to jump right into the next issue.  I’m hoping you enjoyed this one as much as I did.  Be well my dear friends and may our dear Lord Bless you with Love and Happiness, Strength and Comfort.

It’s Thanksgiving! Well, by the time you read this it will be, for me it’s the Saturday before when I’m starting this. I’m trying to get a jump on it because I think it’s going to be a busy week. Izzy is even talking about setting up the Christmas tree today!

BLASPHEMY!

She needs to wait AT LEAST until the day after Thanksgiving. It’s not called “Black Friday” for nothin’! 

Okay, that doesn’t sound right and really doesn’t make much sense, but there you go.

We all really DO have so much to be thankful for, not the least of which is each other. I am so very thankful for each and every one of you who take the time to read and respond and submit and help to make this happen three times a week.

We are thankful most importantly, for the Blessings of Our Lord in Heaven, who has taken such GREAT care of us throughout all of our tribulations. What more could anyone possibly need?

Let’s jump in, shall we?

Can’t be any worse than the old C-Rations…and probably a bit better.

So very true!

New Corporate Policy

Our Corporate Operations Committee has defined a lower cost alternative to the previously planned switch to LINUX systems. All computers will be removed from every desktop.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound and viable reasons for this decision:

1. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

2. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

3. Reduction in technical support calls will reduce our costs associated with maintaining our I.S. help desk.

4. Reduction in hardware costs.

5. Elimination of all software license fees.

6. Reduction in the amount of training necessary for new hires.

7. Can be used at the desktop as well as away from the office due its extreme portability.

8. Extremely low cost makes them disposable (when one breaks, we will     simply replace it).

9. We can now hire 1st graders to do your job.

10. We will maintain a virus free environment…No more Norton.
In anticipation of the questions some of you will undoubtedly have regarding this corporate decision, we have prepared a list of the most Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Well……. actually, it’s past that time by now.

Yup!  We definitely be gettin’ a letter!

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. 

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the “miracle” products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, “Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?” 

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.” 

“Oh, you’re so sweet!”

“Well, hang on, I’m not done adding it up yet.”

If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do NOT play dead.

Amen.  Hence, one of my huge dislikes for this holiday.

True story.

All I’m saying is, the house doesn’t fill up with fruit flies when I buy donuts.

Now THAT is one scary sign!

I invented a new word today:

Plagiarism

I do! I do!

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work and the rest willing to let them.

Robert Frost (1874–1963)

 

 

Although, it really looks like it says “GLVE THANKS”

Yeah….he deserves it. Aussie Pete contributes a LOT of stuff.

 

 

Sure! … It could work…

And that’s it!  Holy cow!  What an issue!  I ran out of room.  I pray you all have/had a truly blessed Thanksgiving and that this little offering brought a smile to your faces. For those of you who may not be spending the day with family, know that you are loved just as much.

May our God in Heaven, whom we all owe ALL thanksgiving to, bless you all with warmth, comfort, and love until we can meet again.

As promised in the last issue, I’m starting this pretty much right after the last one so as to try to get ahead a little. I’ve been super busy lately between working, the jail, FBI, and my other ministries. God has been good to me and has kept me so very blessed.

It is Thanksgiving week so we will start with the Thanksgiving cartoons and memes today. We’ve already discussed my personal feelings on the holiday, so no need to go into that further, so let’s jump into our issue and 

Just…why?

 

Because it came up today and not on 28 June, that’s why.

 

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. 

He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. 

By this time he had learned just the right things to say.

“It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him,

“Come around back, I think I may have something for you”

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”

“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”

“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he’s got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel. 

The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.

“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”

 

 

Hmm, I wonder ……

 

Ummmmm….. I have questions ….. who’s gonna …… never mind.

Tired of the inconvenience of the drive from airport to country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.

On his next trip, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, “Are you crazy? You can’t land this plane here without wheels!”

The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. 

As he sat there, visibly shaken he said to his wife, “I don’t know what got into me. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life!”

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.

 

 

Another reason to just LOVE Thanksgiving.

 

 

Yes! Like that! But EVERY SINGLE DAY!

 

 

I haven’t been by this spot on the highway in a while … I wonder if this billboard is still up…

 

 

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. 

But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news–my room was in the new section. 

Disappointed, I asked when the ‘new’ section had been built. 

“In the 1600s,” she replied apologetically.

 

 

And therein lies the problem. You ARE free to do whatever you want to do. That’s what free will is all about. But you want to do X. You are perfectly within your rights and free to do X. All we are trying to tell you is these few things, now listen up.
#1 God loves you. That’s the biggest one.
#2 God will NOT tolerate sin.
#3 According to God, X is a sin.
Now, for our part. We love you, too. We do not want to see you go to hell. Because you see, because of #2 above, if you don’t get right with God, that’s where you are going to end up. It’s not that we are such a hateful, intolerant bigot, quite the opposite in fact. We love you so much we don’t want to see you spend ETERNITY (which is a really long time) in an unending painful burning fire over living a life of sin that is such a miniscule amount of time here on earth.
Especially when all you have to do is change your ways, repent of your sins, accept Christ as your Savior and go and do the best you can from then on.
You’re going to mess up again.
We all do.
So pick yourself up, rinse and repeat. Try not to mess up again, at least not the same way you just did, repent again (apologize sincerely) and go on and keep doing the best you can.
Read your Bible.
Go to a good church.
Fellowship.
It all helps.
It’s not rocket surgery.

Impish, you didn’t say anything about getting baptized.

Nope, I didn’t. You SHOULD get baptized, you don’t HAVE to get baptized to be saved. Baptism is an outward expression of an inward change. And yes I know that goes against a LOT of denominations, but TRUST me when I tell you that it being a requirement is NOT biblical. I’ll give you one definitive proof: the thief on the cross. If you need more of an explanation than that, write to me and I’ll be happy to share it.

 

 

The bar tab of a 1787 farewell party for George Washington is still intact. According to the tab, the Founding Fathers drank:
54 bottles of Madeira
60 bottles of Claret
7 bottles of Whiskey
22 bottles of Porter
8 bottles of Hard Cider
12 bottles of Beer
and
7 bowls of Alcoholic Punch

There were 55 attendees.

Doing just a little math and not counting the punch, that only averages 3 bottles each. Now, when you figure in that you can get multiple servings out of the Madeira, Claret, Whiskey, and the Alcoholic Punch, we are WAY past the 3 bottles each limit.

 

 

That’s actually a pretty good answer.

 

 

Bananas are not trees because they have no wood. Instead, they are herbs, and the banana is actually a berry. 
I actually heard this as a trivia question on the radio today!!

 

 

The “I got a boyfriend” line doesn’t work anymore.

Now you gotta say, “I’m looking for a man to pay all of my bills.” Works like a charm!

YES! OF COURSE!

 

 

This is a screenshot grabbed from my FBI (Faith Bible Institute) class showing where slavery is still prevalent today. I thought I was going to be surprised, but I really wasn’t.

 

Come on, really? You don’t get that one? WKRP? The great turkey drop?

An absolute classic

How can we expect people who can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman to understand the difference between a King and a President?

 

 

That’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. May you all enjoy the rest of your week. I hope you get to take some time off to spend with your families.

 

Okay, so it’s like the closest thing to a Thanksgiving header I could come up with.

It’s getting to that time.

Thanksgiving.

One of the bleakest holidays for me around. It was one of Mary’s and I FAVORITES and now it only holds sadness for me. Izzy and I will have our traditional schnitzel and rice and enjoy each other’s company.

Anyway, will start doing Thanksgiving cartoons and such in the next issue I think, but for this one, I have so many, many political cartoons right now, I think I’ll start adding some extras this time through.

 

And yes … I KNOW I have much to be thankful for, and I am thankful every single, solitary day. I don’t need a special holiday to thank my Heavenly Father for ALL the Blessings that I have. He took great care of me while I was off work and now I’m back to work and being paid and things are going well again and I was well taken care of. That’s not the point at all. And if that’s what you got out of what I said earlier than I was not being properly explicit enough.

 

47 Ridiculously Clueless People Who Lacked The Single Brain Cell Necessary For These Very Simple Tasks

Okay, so this is a transcript of a Facebook video that I can’t get to play, so I’m going to type it out. A picture of a woman, sitting in her chair, with an open Bible in her lap and her husband asleep on the couch in the background behind her.  She says out loud:

Hey Jesus, it’s me. I was reading my Bible and you know that verse that says, better to live in the desert than with a nagging wife?

Oh, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

So, I was thinking, do I just drop him off at any desert?

And of course the husband pops up and looks at her and I laughed my butt off.

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You’re wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. 

They asked,  “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

Yup. True story. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s me in front.

 

Another true story. Although I don’t recognize that classmate.

 

A young democrat.

Stephanie sent me this email with the Subject line of Meaningful Sentences That Will Change Your Perspective.  When I opened it, there was a link to a Buzzfeed article that is entitled:

“It Helps Me Keep Some Sanity”: People Are Sharing The Single Sentence That Has Stuck With Them Their Whole Life, And It’s Making Me Weirdly Emotional

I was just going to put a link … okay, so the lawyers are telling me that I MUST put a link. I am legally not allowed to copy the whole article here. Okay, it is WELL worth your time to click HERE to go to the article.  And here is a small taste with the articles lead in:

I feel two ways about that. First, it would instill some discipline into a group that is probably sorely lacking, but SECOND, do YOU want a recalcitrant CHILD who can’t even pay his bills (keep his promises) backing YOU up on the battlefield?!?!

 

How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?

She has a headache with the milkman.

 

A guy walked into his friend’s office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

“Hey, what’s up with you?”, he asks.

“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.”

“Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?”

“Neither, He’s bald.”

 

How did the blonde get her ears pierced?

Answering the stapler.

Okay, I just heard the most absurd thing I think I’ve ever heard on the news. “Experts in Australia are now encouraging parents to ask their infants permission to change their diapers”. It’s called “soft parenting”. You can also ask them if they’d like to crawl or walk to the changing table or if they’d like you to carry them. Other experts are saying (all the rest of us) that these over indulgent parents are going to raise “spoiled brats”! 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Can you not connect the dots on this one? OH PLEASE!!

I have the same thing, but it’s driver mounted.  It’s called … DRAGON!

 

Can you imagine…black market Coca-Cola?

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. ‘When did you first notice the leak?’  the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. ‘Last night, when it took me 2 hours to finish my soup!

That’s it my friends. After my first week back to work, I’ve discovered that I now have a ton of “use-or-lose” leave I have to take by the end of the year! I just had all that time off and now I have to take more … and catch up on all the work I missed.

I feel … bad (?). 

Anyway, busy week and I’m behind, so I’m going to end this one and start the next one. Plus I’m going to work on a special Christmas lesson for the guys in the jail.

Annnnddddd …. I got that big branch in the backyard to finish cutting up before winter really sets in.

Not that the header is implying anything, but…

Let’s move on.

Today is Sunday, I’ve been back to work for one day and I got an email on my civilian side that said, basically, that I will be receiving or have already received, back pay for the time that was missed. So I went to my bank (even though I’ve BEEN checking my bank) and checked to see if there was a payment pending, which normally happens two days prior to a government payment, AND …

Nothing …

So, I went to the government website where I get my pay statements that normally happens three days prior to payday, AND …

Nothing …

So, you can see as how my skepticism is rather high and perhaps not completely out of bounds. 

Now, some mitigating factors could be: 
     – It is Sunday and maybe something will be there tomorrow.
     – My last name is at the butt end of the alphabet and the government does tend to do things in alphabetical order.
     – I got nothin’ else.

So, I guess we’ll see tomorrow. In the meantime… 

Yes we are! And the biggest disappointment is the fact that most of the people are ignoring it. Which makes them officially as smart as pro-wrestling fans! Think about that for just a moment and let that scare you as much as it scares me.

 

That was one of the funniest conversations I’ve EVER read!

 

Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer. 

“Nope,” Morris replied. 

“Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer Birnbaum.

“But it’s only $500,” Morris insisted. 

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him.”

Please tell me that everyone got that one!!

 

I was in a customer’s home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, “I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?” 

I said, “Sure Michelle.” So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl’s bicycle. 

“Boy, Michelle! That’s a beautiful bicycle.” I complimented. “Can you ride it?” 

“Yeah, I can ride it,” she said, then with a sad face she pouted, “but it’s broke.” 

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn’t see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, 

“What’s wrong with it?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “but every time I ride it, it falls over!”

The first five Florists I called from the phone book knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly, I’m the idiot.

 

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that’s why I think of jogging EVERY DAY.

Perfect!

 

I like to help people find things by pointing out that it’s gotta be around here somewhere.

 

Today, I realized that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed.

Why did we name it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti?!?!

It’s like we don’t even try anymore.

And that’s it.  Until next time…and by next time, I’m sure you’ll know whether I got paid or not. So…until then …