We normally talk about this on Veterans Day, but it is appropriate here as well as everyone of us at one point in our career signs a blank check made out to the United States of America for anything up to and including our lives.  Today, we celebrate those of us who have given that ultimate price.  For our country.  For someone else.  This includes Police officers, Fire Fighters, Emergency Medical Responders, Department of Corrections Officers, Emergency Management Personnel who act as First Responders … everyone who is a First Responder, those individuals who move towards the sound of gunfire and screams and shouts for help, instead of away from them. 

Less than 1% of the population in the United States (as of 2023) is actively associated with the military.  This includes civilians (like this dragon) who work for the military.  [Believe it or not, some of us civilians are in jobs, like mine, that can be deployed down-range with the military guys.  The only difference between me and them is that I can say no and quit my job.  Those are my two choices.  They don’t get two choices.]  1% of the population have agreed to put their lives between the evilness in the world and the other 99% of the population.  It’s easily understood how some of them make the ultimate sacrifice.  

Today, we remember them.

Why in the WORLD we don’t remember them every, single, solitary day of the year is well beyond the understanding of this poor, ignorant dragon, but …. then … I have no idea how we could POSSIBLY have homeless veterans living on the street.  Or how they could have such a crappy pay scale and retirement plan.  Or how anyone considers a GREAT deal for a veteran is a 5% discount.  Or how crappy the VA is for care.  Or why we aren’t treating every one of our veterans like GOLD!  How many people do YOU know who are complete strangers who have willingly offered to lay down their LIFE for YOU????

Okay, have I been yelling?

Raising my voice?

Sorry.  I get a tiny bit fired up over the whole thing.

So, okay, time to push that soap box back under the table.

John 15:13 is usually brought out on Memorial Day.  It is appropriate, but it is actually discussing Christ giving up his life for us.  It goes like this:  Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  Verse 12, the verse right before this one says: This is My commandment: that ye love one another, as I have loved you. Notice here, speaking to his Disciples, that he is not saying to love your neighbor as you love yourself.  No.  He’s asking a HIGHER form of love from them.  He’s telling them to love one another the way that He (Jesus) loved them.  Can anyone love the way that Jesus loves?  Probably not, but we can try.  Then in the very next line he follows up with the ultimate expression of love is to give your  life for your friends.  Then in verse 14 he puts it all together when he says: Ye are My friends if ye do whatsoever I command you.  I plan on giving my LIFE for you as the ultimate expression of MY love for YOU.  At least that’s the implication.

On Memorial Day, we are celebrating that ultimate expression of love that so many have given to us, the 1% giving to the 99%.  Please, take a moment today to pause, take a moment to say a prayer of thanks for that love, and a prayer to bless the family and friends of those who gave that gift to us, that we might have a nicer, more blessed day ourselves.

Now, let’s move on and …

A little “How-To” from Joe

Dear friend of the show, Leah D., sent this to me on April 13th (yes, I’m that far behind) (Hey!  That’s only ten days of this writing, that’s not so bad!) (Oh…no…that’s a month and ten days ago…never mind)  and she writes this:

Sorry I’m late, Bob.

Hey!  Finally, a day to be recognized for who I am!

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds a person down or polishes a person up depends on what one is made of.

Josh Billings (1818-1885)

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

They drowned in Spring Training.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”

He got the following reply.  “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.  I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak…

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and warm (adjusting it several times until it’s perfect), then rolls up his sleeves and douses his hands and forearms in the water stream for several seconds. He then pumps a whole bunch of squirts of soap from the soap dispenser into his hands and (while the water is still running, of course) proceeds to vigorously soap up and scrub his hands and forearms for several more seconds. When finished, he rinses his arms and hands for several more seconds, then shuts off the water. He then proceeds to pull 10-15 paper towels from the paper towel dispenser and wad them up. As he begins to dry off his hands and arms with the huge paper towel wad he says to the others, “You see, gentlemen, the Army teaches you to be thorough!”

Not having it, the clearly annoyed Sailor finishes up, zips up, and also goes over to the sink. He turns on the faucet for a split second; just enough to splash water over his hands and get them wet. He then puts one hand under the soap dispenser and pumps a tiny glob of soap onto his palm. He then aggressively rubs the soap all over both of his hands, scrubbing them clean. He then puts his hands back under the faucet and turns it on just enough to release a splash of water sufficient to remove the soap residue. He then shakes his hands over the sink to remove the excess water, and goes to the paper towel dispenser where he pulls out a small section of towel, precisely rips a one-inch wide strip from the bottom, and then folds it up into a neat square. As he starts to blot his hands dry with it he says to the others, “You see, gentlemen, the Navy teaches you to be efficient!!”

At this point the Marine rolls his eyes and finishes up, zips up, snaps his uniform into place, turns sharply, and strides by the Soldier and Sailor towards the exit of the restroom. As he passes them he says matter-of-factly, “You see, gentlemen, the Marines teach you how not to piss on your hands.”

Now, of course, I heard this “true story” as the last individual being an Air Force NCO and his quote to the other three branches was, after the Marine had said something equally as innocuous as the first two, “And in the Air Force, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”  As I’m sure all the other branches can claim the same.

Puns and One Liners from Chris

Son: Great news, Dad! 
Dad: What’s the great news? 
Son: You don’t have to buy me any new books next year. I’m taking all of the same courses again.

John: “My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses.” 
Jack: “Wow, that is incredible!” 
John: “Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle.

“I get plenty of exercise at work: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says “Your password is incorrect”, I type in: “incorrect” and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 

My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.

In high school I did well on the SAT but not to good on the MON through FRI.

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics!

I was hooked on auctions after only going once…going twice.

I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else’s.

I am wonder woman…I wonder where my keys are, wonder where I left my purse and wonder where my money went!

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

27 Extremely Rare, Mind-Blowing Photos From The 19th Century That Show Just How Wildly Different Things Used To Be

50+ Home Hacks Our Great Grandparents Used That Are Just As Brilliant Today

A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse. 

They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation: 

Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. 

Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! 

Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you’re perfect? 

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know? 

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith. 

Father: When was that? 

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot. 

This crap pisses me off.  It’s not “women’s health”.  It’s not a “fetus”.  It’s a baby!  A living human being.  And abortion is murder, plain and simple.  On the rare occasion that the mother’s life is in danger, than a horrible decision has to be made, choosing one life over another is never easy and not one that I’d want to make.  

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

I told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. He asked me to show the class an advanced pose. That put me in a difficult position.

Which of King Arthur’s knights invented the Round Table for Camelot? Sir Cumfrence. 

It’s funny how much ‘exercise’ and ‘extra fries’ sound alike

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

I haven’t talked to my wife in 7 years…I don’t want to interrupt her.

To the guy who invented zero…thanks for nothing.

My dog accidently at a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him the vet…no word yet.

 Little Red Riding Hood was found in critical condition. Paramedics have stabilized her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

I’ve reached an age where I can’t tell if I sustained an injury or that’s just how I am now.

I crashed my new Kia. Now I have Nokia.

The mountain climber had reached the peak of his career. He wrote a book to summit all up.

It’s true that exercise helps with decision making. I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.

A husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife’s photo, but not even a single one hits the target. From another room his wife asks, “What are you doing?” The husband replies, “Missing you”.

Exercising would be more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.

 I just found a pen at work. It must have been mine anyway because when I tried it, it was my hand writing.

What did Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?

That’s it my friends.  But before I go, I want to share something that I posted on Facebook. 

Now, I don’t normally post on FB, but I had to express this somewhere and I felt led.  I’m curious to hear what you guys have to say:

This may be an unpopular post.

Now, I know most of you civilians mean well.

And certainly, the retail stores don’t help.

But please, for most of us Veterans, we don’t want to hear:

Happy Memorial Day!

Let me explain.

Many of us know someone who died in uniform.

I know there are lots of civilians who know a cop, fireman, first responder who died on the job. Memorial Day is for remembering them, too.

In my 3 years of working as a dispatcher for the State Police I lost a few. A dear friend on my last day of work after going 10-42 for the last time.

It’s hard and it’s not a happy day.

And the retail stores with the Happy Memorial Day Sales! With the balloons and flashing lights! And why is it always a mattress sale, for crying-out-loud?

So, I’m just saying. Monday is not a day to go up to your military or veteran friend and thank them for their service or wish them a happy Memorial Day. More times than not, it’s not a happy day for us.

But thanks for thinking of us.

You have no idea how many times I get “Happy Memorial Day” from people, or “Thank you for your service”.  And I’m polite.  I’ve never corrected anyone.  But Memorial Day is a tough day for me, and for many other people.  There ain’t nothin’ happy about it.  That’s all I’m saying.

So…

I hope you take a little time out to say a prayer for those whose lives were lost giving you the freedom to be able to take the time out to say a prayer.  May our Heavenly Father Bless you and Keep you until we meet again.  My love goes out to you all.

I am starting a five day weekend! 

Now, there are some restrictions…

I am going to my oldest grandwhelpling’s high school graduation on Tuesday and his open house on Monday.  So, it’s not like I have the whole five days to myself to rest and relax. 

But!

I don’t have to be at work!

And that alone is worth a LOT!

But for some reason, tonight (Thursday) I am so anxious and so on edge I can’t hardly stand it.  Maybe I need to eat.  It is after 6 pm.  But my blood sugar is good (141).  I made Lasagna Bob for the Memorial Day carry-in at work today and had a big hunk of that.  What is Lasagna Bob?  Click either of the two links and find out.  And yes, that’s me.  Today’s effort was a tiny bit underwhelming if I do say so myself.  I think because I had to assemble it last night and put it in the fridge over night and then carry it to work and then cook it at work today.  Lasagna is best assembled and cooked all in one sitting.  Since it was refrigerated, it had to overcome the cold before it started really cooking.  

Anyway, everyone thought it was great.

But still no explanation for why I’m feeling anxious.  So, let’s get to the laughter and we’ll try and figure the rest of it out.  I remember reading something, somewhere about a no reason anxious feeling before a heart-attack, so let’s hope THAT’S not going on!

Just another reason why there will be no cats in Impish’s cavern.

That is truly amazing to me.

I just freaked Izzy dragon out!  I told her, “If you have to call 911 for me.  Make sure you unlock and open the front door.  Lock both dogs up.  And do you know how to do CPR?”  She looked at me like I was nuts.

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o’clockthe next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. 

He didn’t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, “What the hell took ya so long? You’re over two hours late.” 

“Hey! Give me a break.” whined the Yuppie. “I have a 27 handicap.”

Okay, I gotta admit.  I stayed completely calm and I couldn’t find the mistake.  … … Never mind … … I just did.  I feel so stoopit!  The amount of time I looked at this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!

And speaking of stoopit, here’s a real Darwin Award Winner!

15 Impossibly Dated Lines from Looney Tunes Cartoons

The problem is … I understood every single one of them… 😦

I’ve lived here since 1989 (36 years) and have stopped through several times prior to that and I can honestly say in that entire time in the state of Indiana they have never NOT been working on I-65.

Of course.  Why wouldn’t you have been.

As we should do with all of our sinner friends.

A twofer from Joe:

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it 

-Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
_______________

---

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. 

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 


1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses. 

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses  can be included. 

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living-impaired.”

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead  horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed. 

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance. 

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance. 

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. 

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. 

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15.  As a last resort, sell it on eBay.

I must have this sign!

Oh, by the way, I made it through the night just fine, thank you.  Feel fine.  Got a GREAT night’s sleep.  Got up this morning, took my Old Testament test for FBI to close out the first semester.  Only got a 93.  Had hoped to do much better, but hey!  I’ll take an A!  Then went to the store and got jail candy and then the grocery store.

What’s jail candy?  I’m pretty sure I’ve explained this before, but I’ll tell you again.  Every Wednesday when we go to the jail, we give the guys candy at the end of the lesson.  I think personally, that it brings some of them to class, the opportunity to get a couple of pieces of candy that they can’t get otherwise, but if that exposes them to the Word of God, then so be it.

Speaking of the jail, did I tell you guys that we baptized 3 guys this past Wednesday?  Yeah, I did, in Thursday’s episode.  It was awesome.  And the lesson itself on Wednesday was so poignant to one of the guys that he actually was crying.  It was a Good night.

I really need to clean my garage.

Oh Heck Yeah!

And that happens, too!!!!

Chris sent this one on Getting Old…what a crappy reminder!

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Nope, not taking that ramp with a wheel chair.  Although the plant would probably slow you down before you hit the next level down.

The very famous Coconut Clip sent to us by our dear friend Wouter

And that is the end of Saturday’s issue.  I’m going to end this one and immediately start on the Dragon Laffs Memorial Day Episode.  See you on Monday.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again. 

Okay, so I finally made it back to the site on Monday night to read the comments and Sammye asked a GREAT question.  What happened to issues #2415 and 2417?  And my thoughts were what in the world are they talking about?  Then I went and looked and laughed myself silly.  I’m either getting really old or really tired.  I can’t count.  I’ll show you what I mean when I call up all the latest issues.

Yup, no 2415 and no 2417.  So, either I can’t count or … something.  But now I’m on #2419 and my OCD is kicking in…that I didn’t even know I had, and I want to go back and catch up the two missing numbers!  But then they won’t be in order!

Yeah, it’s a mess.  Thanks Sammye.  LOL!

A man went to a bookstore and asked to see a book titled, “How to Control Your Mother-in-Law.”

“Our fiction department is in the rear, right side of the aisle,” the salesman said with a smile.

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood pressure.  “The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,”

Joe said, “Well, did you quit,” asked Jack.

Joe replied, “Sure did. You think I’m a dummy or something? I haven’t had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!” 

You may have heard that we had a Mexican ship run into the Brooklyn Bridge.  Two people died and several were seriously injured, so of course, people created memes and I’ve had them sent to me, so I have to share them with you…

The perceived privilege of some people is overwhelming.

Here’s an oldie but goodie

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. 

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. 

The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. 

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. 

The next day, the local paper read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten pounds. 

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.00
This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. 

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was Buried the next day

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?

She missed.

I want one of these!  I NEED one of these!

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. 

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. 

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. 

He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. 

The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.” 

Little Johnny and his father ran a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living. 

One day, Little Johnny hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill. 

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, “Little Johnny, you know I’ve always been careful with what little money we had. I didn’t spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn’t even afford a license to legally marry your Ma.” 

“Pa!” Little Johnny exclaims, “do you know what that makes me?” 

“Sure do,” said his father, fingering the fifty-dollar bill, “and a damn cheap one too!”

A young recently commissioned Ensign approached the crusty old Master Chief Petty Officer and he asked him about the origin of commissioned officer insignias. 

“Well Ensign,” explained the Master Chief, “the insignias of rank in the United States Navy are steeped in Naval history and Naval tradition. When you were commissioned as an Ensign, the Navy gave you a gold bar representing that you are valuable, but also malleable. When you make Lieutenant, your value doubles and you will get two bars. As a Navy Captain, you soar above the military masses as a leader, hence the Eagle. As an Admiral, you are obviously a star. The bigger the responsibility, the more stars you wear, up to four. Does that answer your question?”

The quizzical Ensign replied “Yes, Master Chief… But, what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?”

The Master Chief answered, “Oh that… Well, you see, Sir, that goes all the way back to the time of the Garden of Eden and Adam… You know, where we learned to cover our pricks with leaves.”

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Can you see some of it coming to pass in front of you right now?

I think I’ve just read the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen…ever.  Now, this goes back to October of 2018, and I honestly thought it was an Urban Legend, but our dear friend of the show, Stephanie, sent me a link top the following article

Cow’s Milk A Symbol Of White Supremacy, PETA Claims

The People for Eating Tasty Animals…or something like that, actually made that claim.  Sounds like something that Babylon Bee would put out, but nope.  They were serious.  Since it’s seven years old, I’m going to give you the whole article here.

SAN FRANCISCO – Cow’s milk is allegedly a symbol used by white supremacists, according to PETA.

In a recent statement, the animal advocate organization explains that dairy milk has been the drink of choice for supremacists because “the dairy industry inflicts extreme violence on other living beings.”  How’s that again?

According to PETA, “some people might be surprised to learn that cows used by the dairy industry are slaughtered after about five years because their bodies are so spent from being kept constantly pregnant.”

The group tweeted a message last week that said: “Cows’ milk has long been a symbol used by white supremacists.” The tweet also included the phrase “One more reason to #DitchDairy.”

The group links this concept to white supremacy by saying cows are controlled by humans, similar to the mindset of a white supremacist.  You’ve really got to be kidding me!  I think I’ve actually lost brain cells just reading that sentence.

“Aside from ‘lactose-tolerant’ white supremacists, cow’s milk really is the perfect drink of choice for all (even unwitting) supremacists,” a statement from PETA says.  The implication being that you have to be lactose-tolerant to be a white supremacist or that by being a white supremacist you automatically become lactose-tolerant?  I’m not really sure how that works, but we need to notify the medical community because we could be on to something here.

The statement points to scenes in the movies “Inglorious Bastards” and “Get Out.”

“As when Christoph Waltz’s character in Inglorious Bastards drinks a glass of milk and a character in a pivotal scene of Get Out sips the cow secretion, dairy milk has long been embraced as a symbol of white supremacy,” PETA’s news release said.  Oh!  Well, there’s all the proof you need right there!  Well, then never mind.

A room for two knights for two nights.

I asked my wife to help me find a match for my sock.  

She answered, “What for? Are you going to set it on fire??

A recent survey found that 85% of the guys who die while having sex are cheating on their spouse.

It’s not the sex that’s killing them.

It’s worrying about getting caught, they’re scared to death !

And that’s it my friends.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Okay, so this one may be very short.  I’m working tomorrow, and Sunday, there definitely will NOT be a Monday episode this week, and I am worn-the-heck-out!  What a week it’s been!

There is so much complaining I could do, but that is NOT what this is for.

There is also so much bragging and praising I could do, ’cause it’s been a good week in a lot of ways, too!  We are going to be doing some baptisms at the jail this week!

But for you guys, let’s get to the stuff you want to see…. so…

Do you have relatives that do nothing but complain and criticize? Don’t let them get to you. God gave you two ears so things could go in one ear and out the other. Use them.

So very true.  For those of you who don’t understand this … you are blessed.

Think about ALL the things you did in your life…ALL the sins that you have committed.  The big and the small.  Every single one of them will keep you out of heaven and each of them condemn you to hell.  The grace of God and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ forgave ALL of that.  From the tiny to the huge.  Can’t you see your way clear to forgive someone else for anything?  That doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see justice, but you still need to forgive them.  And yes, I know how hard that can be.

That used to be my airport of choice when I lived in NJ

 

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the only perfect marriage.

That was because he didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked!” 

That’s the first rule to being an adult!

It speaks against their sin.

A quiet little man was brought before a Judge.  The Judge looked over the charges, then peered down at the little man in amazement.

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” asked the Judge.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the Judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to check them out.  

They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.  

So I went to the registration office and got in another line.  

The lady there gave me some forms to fill out.I filled out the forms and got in another line to get my new card.”

“And?” prodded the Judge.

“And then the guy behind that counter said, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ 

So I stabbed him.”

This is perfectly logical to me.

Yes there are!

Not at all, Impish.  You go right ahead.

Hang on!  Hang on!  If we’re making a list of stuff we’re asking you to forget, then get out your pens and notebooks.

I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. 

“Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. 

“It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.”

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. 

A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!” 

That would be EXACTLY what I would say.

Them: Thank you for your service.
Impish: Thank you for being worthy of being served.
Them: Um…. but…. [walks away with a whole new outlook on things]

This kid has a huge future in marketing.

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

– Robert Frost (1974-1963

That’s it, gotta fly, big storm rolling in. God bless you and keep you until next time.

Well … the trike is STILL not fixed.  I need another brake line and a T-splitter and apparently the patience of Job!  There’s a place in Delphi, Indiana (yes, THAT Delphi, Indiana) that will make what I need whilst I wait, that I will travel to on Monday … will have traveled to this past Monday for you, and we will try again NEXT #$!*&!# Saturday.

The body on the left is my son, the body on the top is my son’s friend, and the body on the bottom is my son’s, friend’s niece.  All of which are trying to fix the exact same bolt. 

Then we got a GREAT comment from our dear Leah D. about this picture.

And it creates the most wonderful of conundrums … In regards to your mosquito spider killer: My granddaughter, Julia, is living with us for awhile. She vacuumed, but she didn’t get this spider web in a corner of the stairs. When I mentioned it to her, she said she left it there on purpose because that spider kills other spiders. I’m still trying to decide on that one.

“It’s a spider, KILL IT!”

“But it kills other spiders.”

“But it’s a spider, KILL … oh dear … wait … KILL … NO …”

Absolutely perfect.

Thanks to Leah for sharing that one.  Now, let’s move on to the other stuff.

I loved that magazine when I was growing up!

So true.

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article. 

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me. 

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment. 

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? 

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions? 

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now? 

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really? 

Dear God: I know there’s a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there. 

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I’m afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

If you haven’t tried blindfold darts before, you should. You don’t know what you’re missing.

My secret is that I’m addicted to seaweed. I’m seeking kelp.

I’m not one to judge, but if you don’t clean your mirrors, they reflect badly on you.

 Ordered some stuff online the other day and I used my donor card instead of my debit card…cost me an arm and a leg.

Lif is too short.

A friend of mine keeps a ruler on his pillow to see how long he sleeps for.

An accountant friend of mine has borrowed six manuals now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

 For Sale: Midwife manuals. (Can deliver)

I use to just crastinate, but I go so good I went pro.

The bartender asked who brought me to the bar. I told him it was my mother-in-law – she’s the one that drives me to drink.

 I went to buy six cans of sprite the other day and realized I’d picked 7Up.

They told me, “Follow your dreams” …so I went back to bed.

I quit my job as a treadmill tester…just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

 (My neighbor out walking dogs) Me: I didn’t know you had dogs. 
Neighbor: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters. 
Me: Well your sisters are adorable.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

Man, I’m old.  I got that one straight out.

A Blonde at the Cinema

 I went to see a movie the other night.

 I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. 

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” 

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” 

“No!” she said in a loud whisper ……… “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

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If only more people would learn this.

Yes, I’m well aware how unpopular this opinion can be.  How we’re just supposed to deport the violent criminals, drug dealers, murders, and so on.  But, by my way of thinking, if you are in our country illegally, and you are not paying taxes or you are drawing social security without having paid into it or you are seeking medical care in our hospitals with no intention of paying for it … it’s bad enough we (hard working, tax paying Americans) have to pay for the legal American scum that are sucking on the taxpayers with no intention of getting  a job and paying their own way.  (And NO, I’m not talking about those who can’t work, we are supposed to take care of them.  It’s a blessing to take care of them.)  If you’re here illegally and doing this then you need to leave.  Even if you’re not a drug dealer, rapist, murderer, or otherwise a criminal.  Because, why in the world should I have to pay for you?  If you don’t think I’m paying for you, you are sadly mistaken.  If you aren’t paying taxes and I am and you are driving on the same roads, your kids are going to the same schools, etc. … then I’m paying for you.  And maybe it only costs me an extra penny for that family that lives quietly on the corner, so what is it hurting?  Everyone can chip in one penny, right?  Until you multiply it by how many millions of illegals?  Even if it was just 1 million, multiplied by one penny, now it’s costing me $10,000.  That’s more than I can afford.   Yes, it’s a hard stance to take.  Yes, our country was founded by immigrants.  But once we ripped it out of the Native American’s hands and established our own country, there are rules that need to be followed.  That’s all I’m saying.

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I’ll give you the answer down below if you don’t get it.  It’s pretty easy if you are of a certain age.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this episode.  May Our God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.