Leprechaun Laughs for St. Patrick’s Day 2017

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Cead Mile Failte Door plaque

A Hundred Thousand Welcome to the 2017 St. Padraig’s Day Issue! Now don’t be giving me the hairy eyebrow look, I’m just as shocked as you are that there is a St. Padraig’s Day Issue. Seems certain things in life will just simply refuse to be put aside regardless of your intentions to the contrary.

Now while our Parton Readers will be getting’ a full on Irish Breakie, you common lot will have ta be making due with Irish Breakfast tea, fresh hot buttered scones and bacon sammies on good soda bread. Yes, there’s a wee Baileys for your tea but lets not have a repeat o’ last year with the drinking of cups o’ Bailey’s with a wee tea in them please. Otherwise Fr. Flannigan is sure in ta be reading your name out from the pulpit this Sunday whilst simultaneously blaming me for the entire sorry affair.

Yes I’m looking straight at you Ginny. Just because it’s snowing glaciers in Jersey doesn’t mean you can run right for the Baileys don’t ya be knowin’!

Speaking o’ snowy scenes you’ll be noticing the scenery here about has changes thanks to the magical power of St Patrick’s Day. I fear however the effect may only be temporary and likely by Saturday ‘tis back to snow you’ll see.

Now be off with the like’s o’ ya now before the food and me tea gets cold.

Let's Roll 29

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‘Tis one o’ these I’ll be havin’ later ta be sure!

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OK now that all the opening proprieties and hospitalities have been observed, before we get to the merriment ‘tis an issue of great and serious import I have to discuss with ye.

Most of you are probably not aware the our Darlin’ Diaman has a lovely lass of a sister named Jeannie who is every bit the dear soul that Diaman is.

Six years ago Jeannie took on cancer head to head and beat it. Now it seems cancer has come back for a rematch. Round one of the return match is scheduled for tomorrow in the form of surgery.

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While Prayers, Blessings, Invocations, Convocations, Lighting of Offertory Candles &  Incense, Railing at and Storming of the Heavens, Harvesting of  and Rubbing the Green off Hectares of Shamrocks & 4 Leaf Clovers, the rubbing furless of 100s of rabbits feet (both feet per rabbit with the rabbits not being harmed, only greatly inconvenienced) and  Grand Assemblies of The Ancient Order of Hibernians, the Elder Fae Folk and Elder Dragons having all been scheduled on Jeanie’s behalf I’ll take no chances for when it comes to cancer I take no prisoners.

I would personally request that each of you offer a prayer, intention, moment of silent reflection what ever is the custom of your religion or family to bolster and aid Jeannie in her time of need. It doesn’t matter if you’ve not the tongue or words for prayer, God doesn’t hear words he hears intentions and heartfelt selflessness.

Impish and I think of you all as our extended internet family and families come together to support one another in times of trouble and hardship. Well for Jeannie (and Diaman as well) that time is now.

So I’m personally asking each one of you, PLEASE take just 30 seconds out of your day to help Jeannie beat cancer again.

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Thank you for your kind attention, let’s be on with the issue now so that she receives the medicinal gift of laughter as well.

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BEGORRAH! Now THAT is what I call proper “the wearing o’ the green”!

Galway Girl

 

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Some people have been wondering what I looked like as a wee one back before I became my Curmudgeonly Crabby Celtic self. Well here is your answer. Me Ma had photos of me hiding me very first pot o’ gold when I was but a wee shaver.

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Sniff! Looking back now I find it hard ta believe I was ever a one pot operation!

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The Jarvey was a Leprechaun – Val Doonican

 

Things besides St. Patty’s Day to celebrate in March

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March 15- Brutus Day  Beware the Ides of March and all the betrayers out to get you!

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March 16- Curlew Day Today’s the day to celebrate the long-billed bird that lives in the central and western part of North America. They probably have their own day because someone realized that no one had ever heard of them.

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March 16- Lips Appreciation Day Get out there an appreciate as many pairs of lips as you can! Or don’t, kissing one person works too.

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March 18- Play the Recorder Day “Hot Cross Buns” is okay on this day and on this day only.

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March 20- Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day  We all wished we had really lived next to Fred Rogers when we were kids, so celebrate his birthday by remembering the beloved TV star.

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March 22- National Goof-Off Day  Play hooky, go skinny-dipping, or just watch A Goofy Movie in bed. Whatever works for you.

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March 23- National Tamale Day  As if you needed an excuse to dedicate yet another day to delicious Mexican food. [One of the few Mexican foods I actually like]

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March 25- Pecan Day  No matter how you say it, on this day you can celebrate the fact that pecans really are all they’re cracked up to be.

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March 25- Tolkien Reading Day  The Tolkien Society created this annual holiday 17 years ago, so call in sick, curl up in your favorite reading chair and start the series for the first time, or enjoy it again.

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March 30- Grass is Always Browner On the Other Side of the Fence Day  Just because you think it’s better on the other side doesn’t mean it is.

[All it really means is they’re probably using a lawn service and you’re not]

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Ok it wouldn’t be a holiday issue without a wee lesson about something to do with the holiday so kindly pay attention while I attempt to enlighten you.

The above stylized image is a an ancient Irish Symbol known as the Claddagh. In modern times is it most often seen or associated with friendship/betrothal or wedding rings

The Claddagh ring (Irish: fáinne Chladaigh) is a traditional Irish ring given which represents love, loyalty, and friendship (the hands represent friendship, the heart represents love, and the crown represents loyalty).

The design and customs associated with it originated in the Irish fishing village of Claddagh, located just outside the old city walls of Galway, now part of Galway City. The ring, as currently known, was first produced in the 17th century.

The Claddagh ring belongs to a group of European finger rings called “fede rings”.  The name “fede” derives from the Italian phrase mani in fede (“hands [joined] in faith” or “hands [joined] in loyalty”). These rings date from Roman times, when the gesture of clasped hands was a symbol of pledging vows, and they were used as engagement/wedding rings in medieval and Renaissance Europe.

Fede rings are distinctive in that the bezel is cut or cast to form two clasped hands that symbolize faith and trust or “plighted troth”. The Claddagh ring is a variation on the fede ring, while the hands, heart, and crown motif was used in England in the early 18th century.

Towards the end of the 20th century there was an explosion of interest in the Claddagh Ring, both as jewelry and as an icon of Irish identity. In recent years it has been embellished with interlace designs and combined with other Celtic and Irish symbols, but this is a very recent phenomenon that corresponds with the worldwide expansion in popularity of the Claddagh ring as an emblem of Irish identity.

Galway has produced Claddagh rings continuously since at least 1700, but the name “Claddagh ring” was not used before the 1830s.

As an example of a maker, Bartholomew Fallon was a 17th-century Irish goldsmith, based in Galway, who made Claddagh rings until circa 1700. His name first appears in the will of one Dominick Martin, also a jeweler, dated 26 January 1676, in which Martin willed Fallon some of his tools. Fallon continued working as a goldsmith until 1700. His are among the oldest surviving examples of the Claddagh ring, in many cases bearing his signature.

There are many legends about the origins of the ring, particularly concerning Richard Joyce, a silversmith from Galway circa 1700, who is said to have invented the Claddagh design as we know it.  Legend has it that Joyce was captured and enslaved by Algerian Corsairs around 1675 while on a passage to the West Indies; he was sold into slavery to a Moorish goldsmith who taught him the craft.[11] King William III sent an ambassador to Algeria to demand the release of any and all British subjects who were enslaved in that country, which at the time would have included Richard Joyce. After fourteen years, Joyce was released and returned to Galway and brought along with him the ring he had fashioned while in captivity: what we’ve come to know as the Claddagh. He gave the ring to his sweetheart, married, and became a goldsmith with “considerable success”. His initials are in one of the earliest surviving Claddagh rings but there are three other rings also made around that time, bearing the mark of goldsmith Thomas Meade.

The Victorian antiquarian Sir William Jones described the Claddagh, and gives Chambers’ Book of Days as the source, in his book Finger Ring Lore. Jones says:

The clasped hands [style ring]… are… still the fashion, and in constant use in [the]… community [of] Claddugh [sic] at [County] Galway…. [They] rarely [intermarry] with others than their own people.

An account written in 1906 by William Dillon, a Galway jeweler, claimed that the “Claddagh” ring was worn in the Aran Isles,  Connemara and beyond. Knowledge of the ring and its customs spread within the British Isles during the Victorian period, and this is when its name became established.  Galway jewelers began to market it beyond the local area in the 19th century.  Further recognition came in the 20th century.

The Claddagh’s distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart and usually surmounted by a crown. These elements symbolize the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown). A “Fenian” Claddagh ring, without a crown, is a slightly different take on the design but has not achieved the level of popularity of the crowned version.  Claddagh rings are relatively popular among the Irish and those of Irish heritage, such as Irish Americans, as cultural symbols and as friendship, engagement and wedding rings.

While Claddagh rings are sometimes used as friendship rings, they are most commonly used as engagement and wedding rings. Mothers sometimes give these rings to daughters when they come of age. There are several mottos and wishes associated with the ring, such as: “Let love and friendship reign.” In Ireland, the United States, Canada, and other parts of the Irish diaspora, the Claddagh is sometimes handed down mother-to-eldest daughter or grandmother-to-granddaughter.

According to Irish author Colin Murphy, a Claddagh ring was worn with the intention of conveying the wearer’s relationship status:

  1. On the right hand with the point of the heart toward the fingertips: the wearer is single and may be looking for love.
  2. On the right hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist: the wearer is in a relationship.
  3. On the left hand with the point of the heart toward the fingertips: the wearer is engaged.
  4. On the left hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist: the wearer is married.

There are other localized variations and oral traditions, involving the hand and the finger on which the Claddagh is worn. Folklore about the ring is relatively recent, not ancient, with “very little native Irish writing about the ring”. Hence, the difficulty today in finding any source that describes or explains the traditional ways of wearing the ring.

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Danny Boy (Instrumental) – Eric Clapton

 

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And now you see why we do!

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[“Kiss me I’m Irish” in Gaelic] or maybe you’d prefer this:

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It’s also the reason behind this claim about the Almighty…

 

I received the following e-mail from Reader (and recipe critic/lover) Ginny:

Got this email from a friend….thought you would get a kick out of it……

Here’s a true Irish story I told Lo & John the other day.  April brought home cupcakes the other day all decorated in green & I said, “Oh, St. Patrick’s Day cupcakes”.

No. The package was labeled, Shamrock Celebration Cupcakes. Guess St Patrick’s is not PC anymore. 

Well I say:

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Wolfe Tones – Wearing Of The Green

“The Wearing of the Green” is an anonymously-penned Irish street ballad dating to 1798. The context of the song is the repression around the time of the Irish Rebellion of 1798. Wearing a shamrock in the “caubeen” (hat) was a sign of rebellion and green was the color of the Society of the United Irishmen, a republican revolutionary organization. During the period, displaying revolutionary insignia was made punishable by hanging.

Lyrics:

O Paddy dear, an’ did ye hear the news that’s goin’ round?
The shamrock is by law forbid to grow on Irish ground;
St. Patrick’s Day no more we’ll keep, his colour can’t be seen,
For there’s a bloody law against the wearin’ o’ the Green.

O I met with Napper Tandy, and he took me by the hand
And he asked ‘How’s poor old Ireland, and how does she stand?’
She’s the most distressful country this world has yet to see
For they’re hangin’ men and women there for wearin’ o’ the green

And if the colour we must wear is England’s cruel red,
Will serve to remind us of all the blood that she has shed,
So take the shamrock from your hat and cast it in the sod,
But never fear, ’twill take root there, though under foot ’tis trod

When law can stop the blades of grass from growin’ as they grow,
And when the leaves in summer time, their colours dare not show,
Then I too will change the colour I wear in my caubeen,
But ’till that day, praise God, I’ll stick to wearin’ o’ the green.

There won’t be any of this sort of  pansy ass liberal Politically Correct Censorship/Repression bloody nonsense on MY watch I can ASSURE you!

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Rising of the Moon-Clancy Brothers & Tommy Makem

Chicago PBS special, July 1962

The ‘Guinness Castle’ in Ireland is on the market

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Here’s one high-roller way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day: Snatch up the castle that beer bought.

The historic “Guinness Beer Castle” — dubbed that because Guinness Beer heiress was once gifted the home. The formal title of the estate is actually “Luggala,” and dates back to 1787. Ernest Guinness bought the property, located just outside of Dublin, in 1937 and gave it to his daughter, Oonagh. 

It sits on 5,000 acres of land and includes roughly 19,099 square feet of living space.

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“With its low-lying crenellated roofline, the whitewashed structure makes a striking statement against the dark-wooded backdrop. Leaning toward Gothic style, it is awash with little battlements, crochets, trefoil and quatrefoil windows and ogee mantelpieces throughout,” Real Estate Deals reports. “Structures on the property include the main house with seven bedrooms, dining room, large entrance hall, three main reception rooms and library, a four-bedroom guest house and another 17 bedrooms between seven lodges and cottages within the estate.”

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In Robert O’Byrne’s book, “Luggala Days: The Story of a Guinness House,” it’s described as “the most decorative honey pot in Ireland. The text also offers salacious details of the parties thrown at the property.

The price tag on this impressive parcel? About 28 million euros, or about $29.5 million.

I’m trying to convenience Molly ta move back to the Uld Sod with me so I can buy it. So far the Luck o’ the Irish isn’t proving enough ta get her ta be leaving her family behind.

Take Me back to Ireland Mary Prendergast

 

Reader Ginny o’ the Weak Knees sent us this helpful chart for all you non-Irish ta figure out your Leprechaun named for the day.

Leprechaun Name

Seems that hers comes out to ‘Grouchy McNoodles’, while Diaman’s is ‘Dreamy O’Gratin’ and Impish becomes ‘Itchy O’Goofy’ for the day.

Fortunately I am a Leprechaun so I still remain “Lethal Leprechaun”.

If you’re of the opinion we Leprechaun’s made this entire thing up just to have a goodly laugh at you once a year drunken Irishman’s expense…you’re a whole lot smarter (and probably more sober) than we gave ya credit for!

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“Tis the partin o’ our ways we’ve come ta, so I’ll be wishin’  ya’  ‘Good Night and Joy Be to You All’.

Éirinn go Brách!

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Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1530

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A couple of announcements this morning.  2b

You may be wondering why the background is still winter snow on the blog when it’s March already.  Well,  mostly because, as I’m looking out the window, we are having flurries right now, and unless the forecast changes, we’re going to have a winter storm warning on Monday!  So yes, although I’m very sick and tired of winter, it seems as though it is still here.

Now, I may not be the brightest dragon on the block, but that damn groundhog’s six-week prediction expires on Friday, March 17th!  … Something else is happening on that day, too….hmmm….I’m not sure, but I think our own dear Lethal Leprechaun will probably tell us a little bit about that on Wednesday.

This next announcement is a bit of bad news….and I’m really sorry.  Tonight, when  you go to bed, you’re going to lose an hour’s sleep because it’s daylight savings time…again.  Daylightsavingstime1Officially, at 0100 hours Sunday morning, through the benefit of modern magic, it becomes 0200 hours.  Why in the world are we still doing this nonsense?Daylightsavingstime4

Anyway, I’m sorry I had to give you that bad news, but ….there it is.  Now, let’s get to the laughter…

let's laugh

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This next one is from Papa Dragon Most Senior (we’ve got to come up with a shorter name for him) and it’s the perfect American solution.

MUSLIMS REQUEST BEACH BAN..
..Scroll Down..
 
In Florida, Muslims request BEACH BAN “BIKINIS” DURING RAMADAN.

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There we go again – Bowing to the Muslim wishes again!

Very elegant solution!

An ancient green leprechaun came into the Doctor’s office and complained of being tired. The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.
Lethal Mr. Leprechaun said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19-year-old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18-year-old friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17-year-old twins…”
The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions.”
“Of course,” the green one replied, “I gave ’em all phony names…”   Official Disclaimer: No particular Leprechaun, implied or named, was the focus of the above story.   2599

When I was a real youngster, the kid who had this in his backyard was the luckiest kid in the neighborhood and all the parents knew exactly where their kids were.

Dragon

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“Well hey baby, you come to this beach often?”

I found this next one really interesting…

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Here are some really awesome Great Truths.  Send in by my dad.  I’m sure you’ve heard some, most or even all of these before, but the nature of Great Truths, is that they are forever worth repeating.

GREAT TRUTHS
  
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.  
John Adams
2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are  misinformed.
Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot.
And  suppose you were a member of  Congress.
But then I repeat  myself.
Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George  Bernard Shaw
  
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
G. Gordon  Liddy
  
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.  
P.J. O’Rourke,Civil Libertarian
  
8. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it  moves, tax it.
If it keeps  moving, regulate it.
And if it  stops moving, subsidize it.  
Ronald Reagan(1986)

  
9. I don’t make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the  facts.
Will Rogers
10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!  
P. J. O’Rourke
                      
11. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.  
Mark Twain(1866)

  
12. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
Anonymous
13. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill
  
14. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.  
— 
  
Mark Twain

  
15. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress.
Mark Twain
  
16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians  
Edward Langley
,
Artist (1928-1995)

  
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything  you have.
Thomas Jefferson
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And again, more truisms that, at times, need to be repeated for people to remember.
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy
out of prosperity.
  
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
  
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
  
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
  
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the  beginning of the end of any nation!

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Fantasy

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“The name is Bond…Jane Bond.”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised.

 

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I’ve seen that guy around…a lot!

I have the heart of a lion!  (And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.)

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This one is for my brother Lethal:

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

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Politicians

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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

(I know, that was pretty awful)  (I’m done now)

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
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Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’ 

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied in a sultry tone, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Get your own fucking blanket!’ 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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This is truly amazing!  And very fitting that it happened in Indianapolis, the basketball capital of the world!  Hoosier Hysteria breaks out everywhere!

Central Christian Academy’s Josh Clanton sinks a full court shot to win a High School play off game against Indianapolis Arlington.

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I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey and the wuteveritis still doesn’t work!
Any ideas?

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Critter

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Yeah, me too Fido, but we don’t have much choice any more.

In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast stroke,  she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

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(In case you can’t tell, that little smilie is performing a “rim-shot”…you know … ta-dum, dum, dum!)

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I love this one.  I had no idea I was a pet person until later in life and this is so darn true.

Dear Cats & Dogs:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
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The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Tcat3he stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do nothappy dog think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary tocute dog and cat sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Tdog face littlehe proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Puppy shocked
Dogs and cats are easier  than kids…they eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college–and,you get them spayed and or neutered and if and accident happens and they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

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Motivate

Moron

Mother in law visits

mother's day

Mother's Love

motivation

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THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “BALLS”
We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”,  or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts”  too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal…

 

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Last Word

And finally, today’s Last Word is more of a Last Reminder and it’s brought to you by Lethal Leprechaun…

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US daylight savings time means spring ahead 1 hour

WASHINGTON >> It’s time to change time again. Daylight saving time returns this weekend in the United States.

The short-term pain: Lose an hour of sleep Saturday night. The long-term gain: Enjoy more evening light in the months ahead, when the weather warms and you want to be outdoors.

Advance your clocks by 60 minutes before tucking in, so you’re not caught off-guard Sunday morning. For most of the U.S., the change officially starts Sunday at 2 a.m. local time.

You may want to install fresh batteries in smoke detectors and radios, and repeat that when standard time returns Nov. 5.

No time change is observed in Hawaii, most of Arizona, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam and the Northern Marianas.

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Cheers Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Leprechaun Laughs # 382 for March 8th 2017

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[The train is made completely of/from Ice and Snow. My understanding is that you can actually enter certain portions of it]

Good morning.

I have one housekeeping announcement before moving right to the issue as I am excessively swamped as a result of several kicks in the teeth and head from 2017 the latest being the loss of all Internet related services for 36 hours last Friday & Saturday. As a result I am almost an entire week behind now on my business.

This year’s St. Patrick’s Day issue will likely be greatly curtailed since it isn’t nearly as close to my regular posting day as it has been the past several years.

Honestly as a result of several major personal events in my life in recent weeks and their on going aftermath, as well as a death in my family on the 17th of March last year, I find myself without the enthusiasm for or will to make the extra time required to put out a special issue for a day that has no real bearing on or serious meaning for most of you.

Speaking of issues, enough seriousness already, lets get this one started.

Let's Roll 26

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I’ll have a double of what the deceased had please!

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What’s coffee w/o doughnuts?

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Top to Bottom:

Oreo Donut: (white frosting filling w/ chocolate crumbles on top)

Nutella Cream: (Bavarian cream filling Nutella and crush hazel nuts)

S’mores Doughnut: (Old fashion Doughnut with Dark Chocolate dip mini marshmallows & graham cracker crumbles)

DAMN! It’s been so long since I posted food I totally forgot to have Ginny and her weak knees secured beforehand. Someone please help her up off the floor.

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Dats Just Cool

Almost too darn beautiful to contemplate using!

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I could have used a set up like this more than once in my life!

Want that

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Wait for it, if you watch long enough you’ll see it as it comes by.

watch for it

Stationary

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.

He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, “Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?”
“Sure,” she replied mischievously, “but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o’clock.”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” he stammered. “I mean to say, do you keep stationery?”

 

HELL NO 3

OH HELLS NO! THAT is NEVER going to happen! EWWWW!

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As long as we’re being “potty minded” for a moment…

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Speaking of toilets and OH HELLS NO! This seems like the right place for this next bit…

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ?

“If You gotta pee – We gotta see!”

I hear the TSA while this issue technically has no bearing on travel is angling to be in charge of the checking given their vast experience in genital groping at airports.

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Who knew there were people you could hire for help with this?

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Somehow this next one just seemed to belong right after this one. I don’t know why.

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Joining a Biker Club

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
“She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, my bike’s parked over there,” and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, drink like a fish…beer mostly, whiskey when I’m shooting pool. I’ll drink everyone in your club under the table.”
The biker is surprised but then asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I’m drinking whiskey and shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz…?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times……”

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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport ..

The pilot comes on the intercom, ‘This is your Captain…

We’re on our final descent into Tampa I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area’.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

‘So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we’re in Tampa ?’

‘Well,’ says the skipper, ‘first I’m gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap….then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner…. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.’

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot’s talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: ‘No need to hurry, dear.  He’s gotta land the plane and take a crap first.’

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Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?  We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’ 

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ ;

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation, and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, ‘I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.’ 

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.  Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed.  He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The policeman is still watching.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else.  You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.  Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

Jerry Lee Lewis – “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin On”

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1529

Dragon Laffs3
campers

Well, it looks like my surgery is going to be further down the road than I thought, even further than I was afraid it was going to be.  Mostly it has to do with insurance issues…have I mentioned how much I hate insurance companies?

I have?  Are you sure?  Okay, then there’s no need to go on…

Anyway, I’ve had my meds changed, and that has not been a good thing.  I am NOT going to get into the problems but I only mention it to say that today’s issue is not up to my usual standards and I apologize for that.  Trust me when I say, I’m doing the best I can. So, without further ado…

Let's Laugh

This is a GREAT prank!  I want to try it and I’d love it if some of you tried it, too.  Let me know how it works out.

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And now, how about some points to ponder…

I used to eat natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?   (taxes)
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up crying like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
 
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 
Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
 
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
 
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

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What harm indeed.

Speaking of harm, this is one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard.  And it’s all about harm.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident claim form I wrote, “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain that statement more fully. I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth-floor level. Securing, the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 22 of the claim form that my weight is 150 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a very rapid rate of speed. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

By this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to the information in block number 22 regarding my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. This second encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it proceeded at a rapid decent down the side of the building, landing on and breaking both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished information sufficient to explain why “trying to do the job alone” was the stated cause of the accident.

Sincerely,

A Bricklayer


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Dragon Pix33

You gotta love videos of GIs reuniting with their families when they come back from being deployed.  Brave men and women coming home from really crappy places where they had to do really crappy things and they get home and act like little kids themselves when it comes to their families.

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Fantasy Pix

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More of our security personnel.  You don’t want to know how this one works.  Trust me.

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I swear, this looks just like I feel every single morning.

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I have been this drunk.  Several times.  I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

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9s

This is not just a dragon quip….it’s the honest truth.  And this week, with the new medicine messing with me and a huge, very important inspection team on base giving us the business every single day, and going to be here watching me teach all weekend…this very well could happen by the time you’re reading this.

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motivational

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Moral High GroundMoralemorans

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That’s a GREAT excuse!  I’m going to use that one myself!

What a cool video.  I love stuff like this and it’s presented very well.

 

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Politics

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last word

Okay, this may not be the best venue for this, but there are some things I have to say.  Lethal Leprechaun is my brother.  That doesn’t really mean what it says.  I have brothers who I love with all my heart, that I would go to the ends of the earth for.  Both of my brothers who are still alive have done just that for me.  They’ve both been there when I needed them most and they both would do it again.

No, when I say that Lethal is my brother, you have to understand what that means.  Your family is your family because they are blood.  I am extraordinarily lucky in the fact that I got good ones.  I know many people who don’t have it that way.  Their love for their family is there because they have to be. 

Lethal Leprechaun is my brother because we think the same way about things, we’d like to handle problems the same way, but since words like premeditated and blood-splatter-evidence tend to hinder our problem solving abilities, we tend to do it with words and logic and, like I said, we think the same way about things.

We’ve both been through some very similar history, and we suffer through some very similar problems.  We both love our country with a passion bordering on fanaticism and we both find in the other the respect and friendship that, if you are very, very lucky, you might find once in a lifetime.

I know, without a doubt that he has my back in all things, and I know, that if I called and said I need you, you have to come, he’d be on the next plane.

Somehow, I’ve given my brother the impression that I don’t have his back in all things, that I don’t have his (and by extension, Molly’s) six, that if he called, that I might not be there.  Something that I thought was completely understandably funny (you might notice that we tend to pick at each other a little bit.  Guys do that.  It tends to freak our females out sometimes) apparently wasn’t as funny as I thought it was. 

He has been there for me and I haven’t been there for him. 

I have no idea how else to solve this misunderstanding, hence, today’s Last Word. 

Now, my head is both wrapped in cotton and pounding like a friggin’ freight train.  I have to not only teach two classes this weekend, but do it on bum sticks and in front of inspectors who have no idea what it is that I do.  So, this issue, mistakes and all, is being posted and I’m for as much sleep as I can get in the next 5 hours.

Be well my friends, until next week.

Cheers.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Leprechaun Laughs # 381 for March 1st 2017

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[Publican is the proper Irish term for the owner/operator of a Public House a.k.a. Pub]

God Day ta ya all.

I’m still heavily involved with cleaning up the chaos & damage to our lives caused by the personal cataclysmic event we suffered here on Presidents Day. Dancing in circle, jumping through hoops and waiting on hold in eternal queue seems to be taking up a lot of my time and robbing me of much of my sense of humor and my wit.  I do believe juggling exploding porcupines would be more enjoyable.

According ta a few, it’s also given me a hair trigger on my large bore foul temper, an indiscriminate aim and in at least one alleged incident a tendency to fire on those who swear innocence &/or good intentions.

As a result I’ve no story or witty opening again this week. If this offends you, too damned bad.  If this disappoints you, again all I can do is offer you my sincere apology.

I hope to have the vast majority of things in our personal lives back to normal by the next issue as well as an improved mood,  frame of mind and far better control of my temper. Otherwise it well maybe my last issue for a while until I’m in a better frame of mind where I no longer feel compelled to walk around dragging my knuckles and feeling hostile 24/7 just to insure our personal safety here at Keebler towers.

Enjoy the issue

Varrom

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In a desperate attempt to keep me from going DEFCON 1 on every would be gangbanger, ghetto monkey and entitlement minded to lazy to earn a living thief I can find w/in a 50 mile radius of our home and Molly’s work place this is my new coffee service.

Just incase any of you are wondering:

1.) the cup reads ‘The Almighty’
2.) Yes, the cream is on tap.
3.) The buns are very very fresh.

I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take this anymore

 

Angry American Right or Wrong

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In other words liberals and liberal media-

QUITCHERDAMNEDBITCHIN  ALFREAKINREADY!

LIBERALS- We’ve discussed this. You’re candidate lost as a direct result of all the crap your last one and his sycophant cronies pulled on the WE THE PEOPLE who actually pay for the government to run

to say nothing of those who PROTECT AND DEFEND US.

LIBERAL (B)LAME STREAM MEDIA- THERE A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN! Trump isn’t about to accept the crap out of you you have been getting away with for far too long. Leave ‘SPIN” to the politicians your job is and always has been UNBIASED RESPONSIBLE REPORTING OF THE UNVARNISHED NEWS.

You work in NEWS MEDIA not some Wall Street DEMOCRATIC PARTY PUBLIC RELATIONS firm. Stop muck farming and go back to reporting the facts not the opinions of those who own you. Every great reporter of the 20th Century has rolled over in their grave in disgust at your behavior and invited you to KISS THEIR ASS.

YOU COULD BE PART OF THE SOLUTION to this countries very serious problems. Instead of doing your job proudly and responsibly you chose to be PART OF THE PROBLEM. Is it any real wonder why half of you are Persona non Grata in Trumps White House? Your saboteurs and hired political assassins with pens instead of bullets.

NO ONE in their right mind invites someone like that into their home and you’re pissed off because Trump isn’t afraid of you and what you might say but instead had the balls to call you on it. You never believed he would because you all think you’re special and above social morality when in truth the only thing special about you is the level of ignorance or callous indifference you show over the damage you are doing to the country.

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As many of you know and fewer of you will remember I own a rather legendary law firm “Dewy, Cheatum & Howe”. Recently after a review of our in house services with an eye on expanding our earnings we decided that buying up specialized ‘niche firms’ made more sense than attempting to expand ourselves. This saves us the time effort and costs associated with developing a feared reputation in those niche law areas.

As a result, I’d like to announce our first acquisition under this philosophy:

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‘Titanic’ actor Bill Paxton dies at 61

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LOS ANGELES >> Bill Paxton, the prolific and charismatic actor whose many memorable roles included an astronaut in “Apollo 13” and a treasure hunter in “Titanic,” has died from complications due to surgery. He was 61.

A family representative issued a statement Sunday on the death but provided no further details.

Paxton, a Fort Worth, Texas, native, appeared in dozens of movies and television shows and seemed to be around when history was made both on and off screen.

As a boy, he was in the crowd that welcomed President John F. Kennedy in Texas on the morning of Nov. 22, 1963, hours before Kennedy was killed in Dallas.

As a young man, he worked in the art department for “B’’ movie king Roger Corman, who helped launch the careers of numerous actors and filmmakers.

Paxton’s movie credits included some of the signature works of the past 40 years, from “Titanic” and “Apollo 13” to “The Terminator and “Aliens.”

“Bill’s passion for the arts was felt by all who knew him,” the family statement reads, “and his warmth and tireless energy were undeniable.”

 

Storyteller

Impish and I in our early days/much younger years when things were simpler, less complicated, way less stressful, we felt much better and there wasn’t a blog to come between us.  I seriously miss those days, but I fear like many things in modern life they may be gone forever.

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Strong with the hot air this one is hmm?

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Well that (plus probably some degree of senility and deafness) sure go a long way towards explaining his peculiar speech mannerisms!

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Waste not want not my Grandda used to always tell me!

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Now you may remember this following bit from last weeks issue. Think hard (I know it hurts do it anyway)

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Well Impish sort of took umbrage at my sharing it with you and rose to his own defense in private to me regarding his love life. I figure in for a penny, in for a pound so here is his response to my posting that:

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Maybe I could have done a better job at explaining it to him. Maybe my explanation was a wee bit too blunt, pointed and harsh. Let’s see if explaining it like this helps-

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Just remember big guy, we’re all laughing with you never at you!

That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.

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Undeniably a serious artistic talent regardless of what you see. Thing is everyone I showed this to saw something different. I saw a werewolf (Think American Werewolf in London transformation scenes). Molly saw a wolf.  Her Aunt said it looked like a lion. Her Uncle said barking dog. What do you see? Let us know in the comments.

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You might remember the following from Impish’s Saturday Issue:

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Hi Guys,

        I need some help. I know quite a bit about anatomy, but, I saw a report on the news and again in the paper that has me a little stumped.  What the hell is a woman’s “Yet”?  In the report they both said the same thing: “A woman was shot and they haven’t been able to get the bullet out of her “Yet”?  Any ideas?

Signed,

Non-anatomical Paul

Now I wear a LOT of hats around here.  Sometimes it sort of makes me seem schizophrenic or confuses readers when I switch out multiple hats in an issue.

Just imagine what it would have been like if I had I answered the above question both as Lethal and as the DL/LL resident Dr. of Quackery in the same issue one right after another!

That why I delayed answering Paul as myself until my issue, also I didn’t want Impish taking any heat for my personal comments or chance he’d not post them for fear of offending someone.

Here now as Lethal himself are my comments on the question:

Paul-

Frankly I’m shocked you even asked this question, as your wife has assured me she is frequently asking you during your most intimate of moments “Is it in YET?”

One would think from that you’d have a firm grasp of the location of a Lady’s YET to say nothing of first hand knowledge of  how small objects (specifically in this instance a bullet, we’ll forego speaking of your personal anatomical specifics out of respect for your manhood card ) might be hard to locate/become lost in that area.

Hopefully helpfully

Lethal

P.S. As with Impish perhaps I was too pointed or a humorous graphical was in order.  If so mayhap this will help you:

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What the hell-  As long as we’re on Adult Subjects and the issue is already in the toilet decorum wise as it were, we might as well continue on and finish out the issue this way. I mean it isn’t like I don’t already know my way to Hell in the Hand Basket Express!

Man v Woman Big O

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And its damned nice too!  Just thought the majority of you men would be wondering. Best thing about it? You’ll never get this reaction or see art like this when in there:

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Think I’m kidding?

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We out! (Drops the keyboard)

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