Dragon Laffs

Guilt and Shame

The usual hubbub marking the Seasonal Opening for DL/LL Enterprises Party Mountain Facilities greets you as you arrive. Names are checked against lists, bracelets and keycards are issued as luggage is loaded onto trucks to proceed you to your accommodations in the mountain.

However, this all seems to be taking place under a bit of a subdued atmosphere. The non-cybernetic and/or robotic members of the staff, whom are over seeing this ordered chaos, seem uncharacteristically quiet and  in a hurry to get you all up to the conference room for the issues presentation.

A few over heard snatches of conversation you come away with, from between staff and key patrons, give you the sense that Lethal might be off, as in not his normal, happy, always ready to host a party for you, self. You know that Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day are two days that are normally hard for and on Lethal but you sense somehow its worse than normal for him this year.

The somber expression on his face as you arrive, the fact he’s not conversing with those in the Patron’s area down front, coupled with the apparent lack of any sighting of his normally close to (if not outright in) hand coffee mug, all seem to confirm this impression for you.

As you ruminate on the meaning of and/or reason behind this, your attention is jogged by several taps on the mic in front of him.

Good Morning, and for those of you who are US citizens, welcome to DL/LL Enterprises Memorial Day 2017 Issue.

Ebenezer Scrooge was visited three times in one Christmas Eve night by ghosts. I shall be visited three times in my dreams also this weekend, abet once per night each night of the three day weekend. Ghost of friends lost, fallen team mates, and finally those whom my orders directly cause to lose their lives, all in combat, all in service to their country. While this is nothing new for me, and has gone on for years, this year will be worse.  See this year I finally understand the questions they all attempt to ask me every year.

“We willingly and without reservation pledged our lives, fortunes and sacred honor in support for defense of and out of love for our country. We placed our trust in Divine Providence, never running from the danger or evil, but rather towards it every time America was threatened. Without hesitation or regret we have fulfilled this pledge. So why does America dishonor us, our memories and our legacy by doing what they are to each other, themselves and to the country?”

I will have but two thoughts for them in response-

Guilt and Shame.

The ever present guilt a survivor bears through out the rest of his life when he comes back and his buddies do not. Guilt that I got to get on with my life and that getting on was not finding a way to champion their sacrifices, not finding a way to give meaning to what they died for.

Shame for being unable to look them in the eye and say we, as a people, and a nation honor your sacrifice on our behalf. We are taking your example to heart and making America a better place, a bastion of the ideals of our Forefathers, the ideal for which you fought and died so bravely.

Guilt and Shame.

How many of you would be willing to make such a pledge today? How many of you are willing to stand for a belief in Divine Providence? Why have your leaders relegated a belief in a divine God to the outskirts of the Capitol and to the deserted corners of our nation? If our forefathers believed in Divine Providence, why do your schools ban any expression of belief in God from the classrooms?

My only response, Guilt and Shame.

Currently, when a witness takes the oath in court, he is asked, “Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” What happened to “so help me God”? Has America reached the point where it’s okay to worship celebrities, athletes and movie stars, but it’s not okay to worship God?

My only response, Guilt and Shame.

Why are black children taught racist values, hatred, violence, that it’s ok to prey on other people, including other blacks. Being taught values like this:

Guilt and Shame.

Why are America’s sovereign borders unsecured and little more than a revolving door to any illegal alien or terrorist with a mind to ignore American laws and enter at their own will?

Guilt and Shame.

Why are we more concerned with Transgendered bathrooms in schools than what is and isn’t being taught, the non American values and liberal brain washing that is blatantly occurring, the fact that schools think they are a government and entity to themselves that does not have to take direction from nor answer to anyone, least of all the parents of their students?

Guilt and Shame.

Why are you burdening the tax roles by rewarding those illegal aliens with welfare payments to help facilitate their staying illegally here? Why are you burdening American tax payers, corporations and the economy with what is in essence international welfare payments to countries who oppose the US in the UN and/or who house, overtly or covertly support or hinder the war on terrorism in which many of those you supposedly honor on Memorial Day have lost their lives?

Guilt and Shame.

In short, why are Americans turning their back on everything we whom you claim to honor on Memorial Day stood and died for? Why are your metaphorically spitting on our memories and legacy through your indifference and inactivity?

Guilt and Shame.

Now that I finally understand their question that is all I have to offer by way of an answer is-

Guilt and Shame.

Such a response, much to my undying guilt and shame, I find totally inadequate to the questions.  It is my hope that you too will find them inadequate

This concludes my Annual Memorial Day Address, I thank you for your time and kind attention.

(Impish- Please fly that applauding jerk home right now and drop him off- from 5,000 feet up! )

It is my hope that you will all at some point this weekend take a moment, I suggest the National Minute of Remembrance, (The National Moment of Remembrance, established by Congress, asks Americans, wherever they are at 3 p.m., local time, on Memorial Day, to pause in an act of national unity for a duration of one minute. ) to reflect on my thoughts, these words and how you would answer these ghosts were you put to the same question.

Now, before I put any further dampener on your planned weekend of revelry or Impish has to drop anyone else off at home, let’s get this issue started shall we?

 

LADIES, GENTLEMEN,  VETERANS, TROOPS! Please stand and join me in rendering  honors for the raising of our National Colors and the playing of our National Anthem.

Morning Colors USMC style at Parris Island

 

At Ease! You may be seated.

Just in case my annual address failed to get the point across to someone.

Angel Flight – Radney Foster

 

As if that photo essay isn’t a compelling enough reason to stand when the National Anthem is played, let me give you a more personal one-

If Impish, myself or any of our Veteran readers ever catch you sitting much less taking a knee in protest during the playing of the National Anthem you will rue that day for the remainder of your days I promise you!

A little later on I’ll be showing you my personal reason (in addition to John’s outstanding essay) for standing when our National Anthem is played.

 

Live on PBS From the West Lawn of the U.S. Capitol!

Sunday, May 28, from 8:00 to 9:30 p.m. ET

The National Memorial Day Concert features uplifting musical performances, documentary footage and dramatic readings that honor the military service of all our men and women in uniform, their families at home and those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. One of PBS’ highest-rated programs, the multi-award-winning television event has become an American tradition, featuring a star-studded lineup performing in tribute to all Americans who have sacrificed for our country.

The concert’s mission is to unite the country in remembrance and appreciation of the fallen and to serve those who are grieving. Executive Producer Jerry Colbert says, “We think of the agony of the mother or father who lost a child, the spouses and children left behind, the people who are wounded in body and soul. And we do this memorial service to remember and reach out to them. We must remember their sacrifices and continue the mission set forth by Abraham Lincoln to ‘care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan.’”

Those lines by Eric Bogle come from a song called “Willie McBride” by some and alternatively “The Green Fields of France” by others. We’ll get to the song in a moment, but first let’s take a moment to understand a little about what gave basis to the song in the first place.

Telling the Untold Stories of World War I Soldiers, Sailors and Marines at Suresnes American Cemetery

Tuesday, April 25, 2017 Students from the American School of Paris (link is external) (ASP) clustered around headstones at Suresnes American Cemetery last week with pens and notebooks in hand, forming research questions about the Americans honored there. Three teenage girls sat on the grass near one headstone, working together to think through some of the questions. Amelie, one of the students, asked: “Why did he become a soldier?” “Did he have a diary during the war?” “Why is he buried in France?” But this visit wasn’t just a one-day field trip to the American World War I cemetery outside of Paris, rather it served as the starting point for an entirely new student project.

Gathered with his students on the cemetery grounds that day, their teacher, Thomas Neville, announced the classes’ new assignment—the Monuments Project (link is external). With more than 35,000 Americans buried or memorialized overseas from World War I, there are thousands of untold stories, and the students learned they would be uncovering some of these unknown, personal histories. “This is very valuable because this soldier never lived on to tell his story, and should have the chance to be known, since he did a great service to his country,” said Katie, one of the students, in reflecting after the visit.

Through a connection with an American Battle Monuments Commission (ABMC) staff member in the Paris area, Neville and ABMC began working through this project idea in the fall of 2016. “Very little is known about a lot of the people buried at Suresnes,” said Neville. “That’s a perfect problem statement to begin with. That’s an authentic experience for the students.” And as the idea evolved, Neville found a trans-Atlantic connection to expand the effort and bring on a partner school that had done a similar project in the past.

Read the rest of the article here

John Mcdermott – Willie Mcbride [aka Green Fields of France]

 

 

 

 

I believe this sentiment has been uttered by every generation that has fought in a major conflict to the up and coming generation. Yet each time we seem to fail to take heed of these words in honors and in our deeds. Want proof of this?  Just as a Vietnam Vet.

I’m about to be the biggest bastard you’ve ever met and I will make no apology for it. I told you earlier that later on I would show you my additional personal reason for standing every time the National Anthem was played. Well its later and this is why.

Impish and I refer often to the that metaphorical “check” service personnel write. Occasionally it gets cashed for the full measure.  However those funds are not drawn solely from just the life of the fallen hero but from their family as well.

I want you to witness what every service family dreads as they live in substandard housing, often on food stamps because their deployed family member took a severe pay cut and now doesn’t make enough to cover all their expenses while deployed and risking his/her life and the well being of their family.

Dignified transfer: A fallen soldier’s final journey home

When an American soldier dies overseas, they are returned to the U.S. the same way each time. Byron Pitts follows one fallen soldier in his final journey home in what the military calls a “dignified transfer.”

 

Let us not forget that Humans are not the only heroes in this new modern battlefield.

In The Arms Of An Angel-American Soldiers Tribute

 

LADIES, GENTLEMEN, VETERANS, TROOPS! I would ask that you again please stand and join me in rendering  honors for the retiring of our National Colors.

 

THIS IS NOT RIGHT! It was not right back when the VA scandal was made public and its not right now when the problems still exist! These Vet’s are asking for no more than what they were promised when they signed up.

 

I am oppressed with a sense of the impropriety of uttering words on this occasion. If silence is ever golden, it must be here, beside the graves of fifteen thousand men, whose lives were more significant than speech, and whose death was a poem, the music of which can never be sung. With words we make promises, plight faith, praise virtue. Promises may not be kept, plighted faith may be broken, and vaunted virtue be only the cunning mask of vice. We do not know one promise these men made, one pledge they gave, one word they spoke: but we do know they summed up and perfected, by one supreme act, the highest virtues of men and citizens. For love of country they accepted death, and thus resolved all doubts, and made immortal their patriotism and their virtue.

James A. Garfield-  Speech at Arlington Cemetery, Decoration Day (30 May 1868)

Amazing Grace(Bagpipes) – Taps- 21-Gun Salute

Guess what tomorrow is….

Go ahead, guess.

If you are of the same professional ilk as the Leprechaun and myself, then you probably already know, but for the rest of you, tomorrow is:

Geek Pride Day is celebrated on May 25, 2017. The day is an initiative, which originated 2006 in Spain, to promote geek culture. It is celebrated annually. Some people think the events called Geek Pride Festivals or Geek Pride Day, which from 1998 to 2000 were organized by Tim McEachern, lead to today’s Geek Pride Day. But actually, Germán Martínez, a Spanish blogger, organized the first celebration in 2006, which from then on spread around the world.
May 25 was chosen as the date for Geek Pride Day, as to commemorate the release of the first Star Wars film in 1977. All fans of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” can take the chance and celebrate both Geek Pride Day and Towel Day, which coincide. (And if we have to tell you what the towel reference means, then you really aren’t much of a Geek) In case you did not know: geek is a slang term, typically describing an expert or enthusiast or a person obsessed with a hobby or intellectual pursuit. Often people are called geeks, who are kind of peculiar, are overly intellectual, unfashionable, or socially awkward.

(And from the GREAT website, thinkgeek.com) But if we had to choose a special day to share our geekiness with the world, we’d choose May 25, which is famous for:

• Towel Day, the day two weeks after Douglas Adams passed in 2001, when hoopy froods keep their towel handy
• The 40th anniversary of the first Star Wars film, Episode IV: A New Hope, released on May 25, 1977
• Glorious 25 May, the day in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld when wearing lilac and hard-boiled eggs (and raising awareness around Alzheimer’s research) is appropriate.

And so many, many more references….

and finally, a great quote:

And now, let’s move on…

 

I’m not sure how advanced it really needs to be.

Let’s talk about Social Security

So, there are even times, when Superheroes have bad days.

Lethal Leprechaun is such a great guy!  This is my private elevator, courtesy of Lethal.

Sometimes you have to hide in a hurry!

Ummm….I’d tell you what this is a picture of, but then a member of our security staff would be forced to track you down and erase your memory.  So, just enjoy it for the work of art that it is.

This is truly epic!

I hope each and every one of these kids remember exactly what they learned that day.

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever

————————-
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux.”

11) Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”

10) Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”

9) Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken,” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope”(el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are You Lactating?”

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. “No va” in Spanish means, “It Doesn’t Go”.

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela” meaning “Bite the Wax Tadpole” or “Female Horse Stuffed with Wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokoukole”, translating into “Happiness in the Mouth.”

Dragon Sized.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.  What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

Ain’t that the truth!!!!

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes,” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes, yes, I did.”  The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

No, I can’t say as I have…my brother the brewer…maybe.

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.  The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied:  “Got here in two, didn’t I?

Those golf jokes were for you, Dad.  I hope you liked them.

I want time to sit and read, take a nap, and snack – Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.

And with that, we’re calling it an issue!  I hope you all enjoyed it and until next time!

Cheers!

What an interesting world we live in.

I recently have been having trouble with my impishdragon@hotmail.com account.  Like since August of last year.  Problem was, I didn’t realize I HAD a problem.  (There are several of you who I’m sure I owe an apology to who have written to me at that address and I haven’t answered.)  Well, it’s going to take me a little while to get through the (currently) 3,518 emails.  Sigh.  See, and I’m the guy who’s anal enough to get antsy when my total of all email accounts goes into triple digits.

All my accounts?

Yeah, currently I have 5 personal accounts that I work with.  I originally thought to get them all worked to one…or maybe two accounts at most, but … yeah, not gonna happen anytime soon.

More interesting stuff…

While reading Lethal’s issue on Wednesday, I was struck by one of the interesting facts that he shared about coffee.

Yes, I know, he shared several interesting facts about coffee, but the one I’m specifically talking about is: Coffee is the second-most traded commodity in the whole world, second only to crude oil.

I find it quite interesting that the two most highly traded commodities in the whole world are the two things that make the world move.  Oil for machinery and coffee for human beings.  Just think, for most of us, we require the two most traded commodities in the whole world just to get to work each day.

Oh, and since 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day leads to 15% lower death rates, by my calculations, I’m gonna live forever!

So, I got that going for me…which is nice.

 

That ought to lead us right into

I’ve got to get me one of those for work!

Some of you know a bit about the physical problems that I have and the mostly continuous pain that I suffer.  Well, without going into any detail, I know that my brother-from-another-mother (BFAM) Lethal is usually in worse shape than I am, so it is with that in mind and for him and the others of you who share the same fate that I present these next pictures:

And for those people out there (no one here, of course) who look at me parking in the handicap spot and think, “He doesn’t look that bad” or “He’s probably faking and drawing welfare money that I’m paying” (I actually heard someone say that about me in the grocery store the other day and I almost came unglued.  I said, “I WORK for a [expletive delete] living! Usually about 50 hours a week!  And I earn my own [several expletives delete] money!”  There was more, but there’s no sense in putting anything else in writing before the trial.) There’s this one:

Okay, sorry, had to get that one off my chest.

But, here are some words to live by from Kermit and Diaman:

 

Can you say, “Holy Shit!”

 

Having raised boys and girls this next list is excruciatingly funny!

“Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves.”

More pictures from our DL&LL Enterprises Fantasy Role Playing group.  I’ll let you guess which one is me and which one is Lethal.

And here’s another tool I’ve been looking for for a long time.

 

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.

When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: “Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer: “No, we can’t have services for an animal in church. But I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road, and – no telling what they believe in – maybe they’ll do something for your pet.”

Muldoon said: “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?”

“Oh, why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic??”

And who’s this all dressed up to play?  I’ll give you a hint and tell you that Paul loves this outfit.

 

That terrifying moment when your cat enters your room, stares at something you can’t see, and then runs away in a panic.

 

Leave it to Pat Sajak and Vanna White to send the Internet into a confused oblivion. On a recent episode of “Wheel of Fortune,” there was a puzzle that was, to say the least, very puzzling. Take a look:

Believe it or not, it wasn’t “suck it dork,” and the Internet went in to a tizzy trying to figure out what it could be.

To be honest, our guesses weren’t much better. Luckily, we were all given sweet release thanks to one Twitter user.

Well, what are you waiting for? Back to work, guys.

Believe it or not, that last one was from Good Housekeeping.

 

When parking is at a premium…

 

 

Wow, this is totally AWESOME!!!!  Now THAT’S MAGIC!!

 

The “F” Word

There are only 11 times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?”
— Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. “What the @#$% was that?”
— Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”
— George Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”
— Albert Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”
— Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?”
— Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
— Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?”
— Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”
— Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”
— Bill Clinton, 1998

1. “There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President”

— HilaryClinton 2016

Well here it is again, the end of another week and I’ve run out of week and not run out of stuff I wanted to share with you guys.

But, guess what?  You get me again in just a couple of days.  That’s right, I post again on Wednesday.  Why you ask?  Because Lethal is working up to a great Memorial Day issue and took Saturday and Next Wednesday and I have today and This Wednesday.  Don’t worry about it.  You’ll get it worked out.

But for now….Cheers.

Oh wait!  Any of you wondering about the picture I used for my header?  You know, there’s a very funny story that….

What’s that?

Posting time?

Well, I guess it will have to wait for another time.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

I’m not in a creative or humorous mood at the moment so please excuse me.

Molly’s bathroom has been torn apart since Friday May 5th when they came to repair the ceiling damage from repeated A/C and Water leaks from the shower in apartment above ours.

The basic problem now is since the reoriented the A/C unit to allow for replacing the access hatch the damned thing hasn’t gone a day without leaking condensate all over the floor!

Last Friday, after numerous repair attempts they finally replaced the coil and blower units essentially giving me an brand new interior side to the system. I was assured this would completely stop the leaks as it had working in two other cases where they had nagging leaks they could not correct.

At 05:30 on Saturday morning I was awoken by the sound of water dripping in the master bedroom!  As you can imagine this got me up fast to discover water dripping from the vent onto the low chest of drawers opposite my side of the bed. As I scrambled to get the drip bowl from Molly’s bathroom to contain this leak I watched it start pouring out the A/C hatch again and was forced to place the bowl there where the water leak was worse.

Fortunately for me, shutting down the A/C stopped the flow of condensate from the duct in our Master Bedroom and there was not a lot of it to clean up. This is where I made a serious mistake, I was a nice guy and didn’t call this in as an Emergency at 05:30.

Instead I went back to bed and grabbed a 2 hour cat nap (waking every 20 minutes to listen for water dripping sounds) and called the Emergency line at 07:45. No response. 08:45 I call again leave another message this one much more pointed about things and asking someone at least acknowledge my calls. No response.

10 AM I’m calling the office (the open late on Saturday) no answer. I call every 10 minutes.  Finally at 10:30 the phone gets answered by the Manager who tells me both the Property Management Office and Maintenance have receive both my calls and that the Maintenance Manager has been working on emergencies since 6 AM and anticipates getting to me in another 30 to 40 minutes!

Of course I cannot get a direct/decent answer about why nobody could be bothered to even text me an acknowledgement of my Emergency Maintenance Request instead of leaving me hanging.

Mean while here I sit pissed off, sans A/C watching the mercury and humidity climb unable to leave to do what I had planned today waiting for Maintenance to come for the 6th time to address this issue!

THAT is why 2 tanks of Guinness isn’t going to be enough.

Right now I don’t think there is enough coffee in the world to protect the Maintenance crew from me.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug”.

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss”.

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich”.

She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

===========

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”.

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..”

=====================

A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and it’s Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.

Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?”

The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream!”

================

Molly recently sent me this:

I said “Okay, but it’s going to look a little weird on a ring for your birthday honey.”

IRS pencil sharpener

 

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.  It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.  At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

She didn’t say a thing…..just paid the bill !!!!!!

Lexophilia

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

… When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

… A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

… When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

… The batteries were given out free of charge.

… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

… A will is a dead giveaway.

… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

… A boiled egg is hard to beat.

… When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

… Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

… Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

… A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

… When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

… The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

… He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

… When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

… Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

… Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

Stolen Weapon Found During Search At Tennessee Jail

The comments posted by readers following the story are as funny as the story itself…

Loaded Gun Hidden In Suspects Vagina

APRIL 22 — A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an unknown object in the teenagers crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina, according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver–which is four inches in length–had been stolen from an auto burglary in 2013. The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was ransacked last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, Oh, gosh. He noted that he would eventually like the little fellow returned, but added that the weapon would require a bath in bleach.

News of the weapon in Archers vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.

Archer was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES

1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!

2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a ‘hair trigger’.

3. Happiness is a warm gun?

4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked…

5. “For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box.”

6. Report reads, ” … Introducing contraband into a penal facility.” Shouldn’t that be ‘penile’ facility?

7. If it went off, could you call it her ‘boom box’?

-. Remember: Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.

9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.

10. You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking…

11. Oh my … accident waiting to happen. Could ‘shoot the beaver’.

12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a “hole” new meaning…

13. Complete reversal on the classic, “Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

14. I wonder if she had ‘gun-areah’?

15. Gives a whole new meaning to “Vaginal Discharge”…

16. Do you suppose she had a ‘rectal reloader’?

17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?

1-. Figures … it uses ‘rim shot’ ammo.

19. This supports the Big Bang theory.

Well this either brings the term ‘goosing’ to a whole new level entirely or the police have gotten really creative in their methods for searching for concealed objects in women!

Them damned Thai Chili Pepper will do it to you every time! It’s either that or he’s power washing his colon on the world largest public bidet!

 

As I was lying in bed last night pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s rear. It’s the tortoise life for me!

1 … If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2 … A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3 … A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4 … A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 45- years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

==============

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire…

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

==========

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

==========

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

‘What the hell was I thinking?’

==========

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

==========

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

==========

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you…

I’ve changed my mind.

==========

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

==========

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

==========

Congratulations on your promotion…

Before you go…

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

==========

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

==========

Happy birthday! You look great for your age…

Almost Lifelike!

==========

When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

==========

We have been friends for a very long time. let’s say we stop?

==========

I’m so miserable without you it’s almost like you’re here.

==========

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

==========

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we’re having you put to sleep.

==========

So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay!

My guess is it’s a sure fire cure for tailgating semis

I have been blessed throughout my life with more than one “mother” to love and care for me.  By my measurements, that makes me a VERY rich man. 

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and the History Channel’s website has some great information that I’ll share with you throughout this issue.  Here’s a quick glance at what’s to come:

Mother’s Day is a holiday honoring motherhood that is observed in different forms throughout the world. The American incarnation of Mother’s Day was created by Anna Jarvis in 1908 and became an official U.S. holiday in 1914. Jarvis would later denounce the holiday’s commercialization and spent the latter part of her life trying to remove it from the calendar. While dates and celebrations vary, Mother’s Day most commonly falls on the second Sunday in May and traditionally involves presenting mothers with flowers, cards and other gifts.

So, that’s a good start to our Mother’s Day information, so that’s probably a good spot to get on with the important stuff like:

This squirrel must be related to the squirrels in my last place.  Teasing the hell out of these poor dogs.

HISTORY OF MOTHER’S DAY

Celebrations of mothers and motherhood can be traced back to the ancient Greeks and Romans, who held festivals in honor of the mother goddesses Rhea and Cybele, but the clearest modern precedent for Mother’s Day is the early Christian festival known as “Mothering Sunday.”

Once a major tradition in the United Kingdom and parts of Europe, this celebration fell on the fourth Sunday in Lent and was originally seen as a time when the faithful would return to their “mother church”—the main church in the vicinity of their home—for a special service.

Over time the Mothering Sunday tradition shifted into a more secular holiday, and children would present their mothers with flowers and other tokens of appreciation. This custom eventually faded in popularity before merging with the American Mother’s Day in the 1930s and 1940s.

More phone calls are made on Mother’s Day than any other day of the year. These holiday chats with Mom often cause phone traffic to spike by as much as 37 percent.

Even dragons celebrate Mother’s Day.

 

Okay, so this next one is from my Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, sent this next one and I can tell you that it’s pretty accurate.  I learned that just from talking to dad.  lol.

You know you’re a Floridian if….
 
Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You’re younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You’ve driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn’t worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren’t Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan, Jeanne, Wilma…Irene…Cheryl…Rita, Mary..Alison

You know what a snowbird is and when they’ll leave.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

‘Down South’ means Key West.

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You know the four seasons really are: Hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You’ve hosted a hurricane party.
 
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa and Micanopy.

You understand why it’s better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn’t swim.

You’ve worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as ‘ Northern Cuba .’

Ha! Ha!               Wait……………what!?

ANN REEVES JARVIS AND JULIA WARD HOWE

The origins of Mother’s Day as celebrated in the United States date back to the 19th century. In the years before the Civil War, Ann Reeves Jarvis of West Virginia helped start “Mothers’ Day Work Clubs” to teach local women how to properly care for their children.

These clubs later became a unifying force in a region of the country still divided over the Civil War. In 1868 Jarvis organized “Mothers’ Friendship Day,” at which mothers gathered with former Union and Confederate soldiers to promote reconciliation.

Another precursor to Mother’s Day came from the abolitionist and suffragette Julia Ward Howe. In 1870 Howe wrote the “Mother’s Day Proclamation,” a call to action that asked mothers to unite in promoting world peace. In 1873 Howe campaigned for a “Mother’s Peace Day” to be celebrated every June 2.

Other early Mother’s Day pioneers include Juliet Calhoun Blakely, a temperance activist who inspired a local Mother’s Day in Albion, Michigan, in the 1870s. The duo of Mary Towles Sasseen and Frank Hering, meanwhile, both worked to organize a Mothers’ Day in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Some have even called Hering “the father of Mothers’ Day.”

I have always been really intrigued by stuff like this.  Hidden safes, hidden rooms in houses, stuff like that.  This is quite a good video and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Mermaids celebrate Mother’s Day, too.  One of our underwater security team with her daughter.

Ain’t THAT the truth!

Okay, so this next bit is from Ginny and it’s just plain cool.

Why it’s called Lake Superior .

Pretty amazing….. Did you realize how big this lake is?

LAKE SUPERIOR FACTS

�   Lake Superior contains ten percent of all the fresh water on the planet Earth.

�  It covers 82,000 square kilometers or 31,700 square miles.

�  The average depth is 147 meters or 483 feet.

�  There have been about 350 shipwrecks recorded in Lake Superior

�  Lake Superior is, by surface area, the largest lake in the world.

� A Jesuit priest in 1668 named it Lac Tracy , but that name was never officially adopted.

�  It contains as much water as all the other Great Lakes combined, plus three extra Lake Erie’s!!

�  There is a small outflow from the lake at St. Mary’s River (Sault Ste Marie) into Lake Huron , but it takes almost two centuries for the water to be completely replaced.

�  There is enough water in Lake Superior to cover all of North and South America with water one foot deep.

�  Lake Superior was formed during the last glacial retreat, making it one of the earth’s youngest major features at only about 10,000 years old.

�  The deepest point in the lake is 405 meters or 1,333 feet.

�  There are 78 different species of fish that call the big lake home.

�  The maximum wave ever recorded on Lake Superior was 9.45 meters or 31 feet high.

�  If you stretched the shoreline of Lake Superior out to a straight  line, it would be long enough to reach from Duluth to the Bahamas.

�  Over 300 streams and rivers empty into Lake Superior with the largest source being the Nipigon River

�  The average underwater visibility of Lake Superior is about 8 meters or 27 feet, making it the cleanest and clearest of the Great Lakes .  Underwater visibility in some spots reaches 30 meters.

�  In the summer, the sun sets more than 35 minutes later on the western shore of Lake Superior than at its southeastern edge.

�  Some of the world’s oldest rocks, formed about 2.7 billion years ago, can be found on the Ontario shore of Lake Superior.

�  It very rarely freezes over completely, and then usually just for a few
hours.  Complete freezing occurred in 1962, 1979, 2003 and 2009.

Pretty cool stuff!  Thanks Ginny!

ANNA JARVIS

The official Mother’s Day holiday arose in the 1900s as a result of the efforts of Anna Jarvis, daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis. Following her mother’s 1905 death, Anna Jarvis conceived of Mother’s Day as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children.

After gaining financial backing from a Philadelphia department store owner named John Wanamaker, in May 1908 she organized the first official Mother’s Day celebration at a Methodist church in Grafton, West Virginia. That same day also saw thousands of people attend a Mother’s Day event at one of Wanamaker’s retail stores in Philadelphia.

Following the success of her first Mother’s Day, Jarvis—who remained unmarried and childless her whole life—resolved to see her holiday added to the national calendar. Arguing that American holidays were biased toward male achievements, she started a massive letter writing campaign to newspapers and prominent politicians urging the adoption of a special day honoring motherhood.

By 1912 many states, towns and churches had adopted Mother’s Day as an annual holiday, and Jarvis had established the Mother’s Day International Association to help promote her cause. Her persistence paid off in 1914 when President Woodrow Wilson signed a measure officially establishing the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day.

JARVIS DECRIES COMMERCIALIZED MOTHER’S DAY

Anna Jarvis had originally conceived of Mother’s Day as a day of personal celebration between mothers and families. Her version of the day involved wearing a white carnation as a badge and visiting one’s mother or attending church services. But once Mother’s Day became a national holiday, it was not long before florists, card companies and other merchants capitalized on its popularity.

While Jarvis had initially worked with the floral industry to help raise Mother’s Day’s profile, by 1920 she had become disgusted with how the holiday had been commercialized. She outwardly denounced the transformation and urged people to stop buying Mother’s Day flowers, cards and candies.

Jarvis eventually resorted to an open campaign against Mother’s Day profiteers, speaking out against confectioners, florists and even charities. She also launched countless lawsuits against groups that had used the name “Mother’s Day,” eventually spending most of her personal wealth in legal fees. By the time of her death in 1948 Jarvis had disowned the holiday altogether, and even actively lobbied the government to see it removed from the American calendar.

So that is definitely the way I felt when The West Wing ended!  And also when Fire Fly never made it out of it’s first season!  I’ve got the entire West Wing series on CD and have watched it complete several times.  I’ve also got the whole 9 or so episodes of Fire Fly and have watched them more times than I can count.

So tell me in the comments, which series did you feel that way about when it ended?

And that, my fellow campers, is how my rifle went missing.  I told you the squirrels are teasing the hell out of my poor dogs.

MOTHER’S DAY AROUND THE WORLD

While versions of Mother’s Day are celebrated worldwide, traditions vary depending on the country. In Thailand, for example, Mother’s Day is always celebrated in August on the birthday of the current queen, Sirikit.

Another alternate observance of Mother’s Day can be found in Ethiopia, where families gather each fall to sing songs and eat a large feast as part of Antrosht, a multi-day celebration honoring motherhood.

In the United States, Mother’s Day continues to be celebrated by presenting mothers and other women with gifts and flowers, and it has become one of the biggest holidays for consumer spending. Families also celebrate by giving mothers a day off from activities like cooking or other household chores.

At times, Mother’s Day has also been a date for launching political or feminist causes. In 1968 Coretta Scott King, wife of Martin Luther King Jr., used Mother’s Day to host a march in support of underprivileged women and children. In the 1970s women’s groups also used the holiday as a time to highlight the need for equal rights and access to childcare.

Well, that’s the end of our Mother’s Day information, but by no means the end of our love for mothers.  For my own mom, she knows of my love and my deep admiration for all that she’s done and all that she means to me.  For all the rest of you Mothers out there, know that you are appreciated and loved.

 

I know there are some of you out there who are on Facebook….a lot.  And some of you may even be buying stuff on Facebook, I know this is something that Mrs. Dragon has done once or twice, but it’s not as safe as it used to be.

I read this article on Komando.com and I think it’s important enough to not only tell Mrs. Dragon about, but all of you as well.  I’ll start it here, but then give you the link at the end to finish the article.  If you’re one who is on Facebook, even a little, you need to read this.

5 online advertisements to stay away from (No. 4 is the worst)

You won’t believe this new Facebook scam. People just like you are being tricked out of their money and it’s easy to understand why.

They see ads by reputable-looking companies for beautiful dresses, swimsuits, coats and shoes. The ads offer low prices and FREE shipping. Who wouldn’t get lured in?

Unfortunately, this is a new scam that is tricking people like you, who know better than to fall for Facebook scams. The problem is these ads are so realistic it’s very easy to get fooled.

You click on the ad, pay for the dress and then the trouble starts. It sometimes takes weeks for the product to show up if it does. Then you open the box, all excited to try on your new dress, only to find it’s a bad knockoff of the dress in the ad. They’re sometimes made out of plastic. And the worst part about this scam is that one of China’s wealthiest companies is getting rich off of it. (Keep reading for photos!)

Tip within a Tip: Do a little detective work before buying on Facebook. Here’s how: Copy and paste the photo by putting your cursor over it >> Save Image As >> save it to your photos folder >> go to Google.com >> select Images in the upper-right corner >> click on the camera icon >> Upload an Image >> Browse >> find your photo and open it. You will see where the image originally appeared.

Bonus: Keep reading for one simple tip to protect yourself from this scam!

Fake Facebook ads

These days it’s really easy to create a realistic-looking ad. You can do it yourself, even if you’re not a computer whiz or skilled with software like PhotoShop.

Try this: Right click on a photo from any website and hit Copy. Open a free program like Paint (on Windows 10, type in Paint where it says Type Here to Search). Click on Paste to insert the photo. Add text, phone numbers and more details about your “company.” In about 10 minutes, you’ll have a realistic ad.

Here are five fake Facebook ads to avoid:

1. Zaful

Like a lot of fake Facebook ads, Zaful posts images of beautiful clothes. The problem is, you won’t receive anything beautiful. When it arrives it’ll be a cheap knockoff.

Note: Talk about a hassle. Have you ever tried to return a dress or swimsuit to a company in China? It could take weeks to get your money back if you ever do.

2. RoseGal

This site posts incredibly beautiful fashions, like the dress on the left (below). The scam is the company sends a bad, cheap knockoff like the one on the right.

From here you’ll have to go to the website to see the picture referenced above and to read the rest of the article.  Like she says, though, #4 is the WORST!

Here’s the link: http://www.komando.com/tips/400073/5-online-advertisements-to-stay-away-from-no-4-is-the-worst/all

It wouldn’t be an issue of Dragon Laffs without our motivational posters and although the desire to find strictly Mother’s Day posters in strong, I think at this point in MY week, I need something to seriously laugh about, so…

Truly one of the greatest movies of all time!  “What movie?”, you ask.  I can’t believe I have to say this but, Princess Bride!  If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this immediately and go to NetFlix or Hulu or Amazon Prime or SOMEWHERE and watch it now!  Go ahead, I’ll still be here when you get back.

Well, I had more content and I had more to write, but since I just spent the last hour getting this back, due to a computer crash, I’m going to go ahead and post this and call it an issue.

I hope you all have a great weekend and well meet again next week.

Cheers!