Good morning, Campers,

I JUST finished the last episode, it’s still Friday and I still haven’t gone to the Safety course, but I thought I’d get a quick start on Monday’s episode while I sit here and try not to worry about tomorrow.

I noticed that Leah D. put two comments on the website … the first one is fun!

I have a strong feeling you will meet the right woman when you perform a service. Maybe she pulls off the road because her tire is flat. Or her cart does a get away as she is loading groceries in the car. Or a little one is playing too close to, or even in the road.

Trust me, I know these things.

Leah, I could go on for hours on how confused I feel about that. AND how unlikely I feel that is. But…I will say, from your mouth to God’s ears. I will let you know what happens. 🙂 

And Leah’s second message was kind of a neat question also, but it’s for all of you guys:

I would like to query everyone out there: Were you raised in poverty? If so, what best would back up your claim?

So, what I figure you’re asking is what is an example that you were raised poor? Well, we weren’t rich by any stretch of the imagination, my Mom worked as an RN, Dad was a lineman for Jersey Central Power and Light AND worked EVERY weekend in the band (he was a professional musician, playing sax, clarinet and flute and probably should have done THAT full-time), but us five kids never lacked for anything. We never had the cool stuff that the other kids had, but we had food on the table and a roof over our heads.

But, what about the rest of you.

Understanding Engineers’ Lingo

Percussive maintenance – I hit it and it started working 

Cycle power to the panel – Turn it off and on again 

High impedance air gap – I forgot to plug it in 

Organic grounding – I got electrocuted 

Thermally reconfigured – It melted 

Kinetic disassembly – It blew up 

The young bullfrog, full of himself, went off to find a wife. He met a cute female porcupine, and quickly fell in love with her. He told his father about his love, and his father was appalled!

“Why would you want to marry a porcupine,” he asked, bewildered. 

“Well,” said the young frog, “the elephant wouldn’t have me.”

A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused. 

The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused. 

The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says, “Sorry, no pork pies.” 

The guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks, “Why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?”  

The guy replies, “Because you didn’t have any pork pies.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.  The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” 

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”  

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.” 

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”

Okay, so it’s now Saturday evening and I finished the first day of the Safety Course. I gotta tell you, it was NOT what I was led to believe. I was told that the first day would be classroom stuff.

NOPE!

We immediately got on these little Suzuki 125 motorbikes and spent the next 6 1/2 hours doing more walking them around than riding them around. My poor aching hips. I did great on everything except the big zig-zags. I did fine on the small zig-zags, but those big ones are kicking my butt!!! I really hope that’s not going to be the thing that fails me. I did everything else as good if not better than everyone else.

I kicked butt on the big turn to the panic stop.

But, overall, it wore my old butt out!

So, I took the backroads home and I’m driving the car there tomorrow, not the bike. I’ll save some space at the end of this so that I can tell you tomorrow how it all works out. … Now … on with the show.

I absolutely LOVE that meme!!!

I once had an invisible calendar.
Now that’s something you don’t see every day.

That is SO important in SO many different ways. But honestly, I don’t think we have ten years. But that is just Impish’s opinion.  I just can’t imagine Jesus not calling us all home before that.

That is so very true. I know that the times I’ve cried my dog has come up to comfort me.

I have no words…truly.

Hence, Dragon Laffs…

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”  “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”

And if I know the lieutenant, he was taking notes the whole time.

After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out he was a high school classmate of my husband’s, a man named Love. He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems.  The following year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from my job to be there.  After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. On it was written my name and the scheduling instructions: “Wants Love in afternoon.”

I’m writing a book in fifth person…
So every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”

“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!”
“He threw a rock at me!” the boy said “So I threw one at him.”
The mother said, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.”
“Thanks, Mom,” the boy replied “But my aim is much better than yours.”

Last Words of Men About to Be Executed

As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, “Well, folks, you’ll soon see a baked Appel.”

Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, “I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti.  I want the press to know this.”

Sir Walter Raleigh said, “So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth.” And then he was beheaded.

On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter,” I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: ‘French Fries.'”

Francis Crowley remarked “You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother.” Then he was electrocuted.

Just before being hanged, Neville Heath’s last request was for a whiskey. “In the circumstances,” he added, “you might make that a double.”

Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: “I’d like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.”

Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, “Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.”

Jimmy Glass said, “I’d rather be fishing.” Then he was electrocuted.

As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, “Are you sure this thing is safe?”

Remember that until today’s Last Word.

An old man walks into the University Offices and says “I’d like to enrol for a Latin course.”

The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, “How old are you, Sir?”

“Ninety-three” is the reply.

“Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?”

“Well” the man explains “I realise I haven’t got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I’d like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I’d feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin.”

The Dean thinks, and then asks “But what if you don’t go to Heaven but go to – you know – the other place?”

“That’s alright, I can already speak American.”

Well, it is over. My Safety Course. I wanted to get pictures, but this is the only one I got.

These are the tiny little bikes we had to ride. I could not go slow on this thing. The problem is, I HAD to go slow on this thing. I had to do tight U-turns. I had to do slow weaves between these ridiculous little cones and I had to walk this thing in 90 degree heat on asphalt. My two fake hips gave me hell! By the end of the day (and still at 6:30 at night) I have a pounding headache, I’m REALLY lightheaded, and quite dizzy. I’m not ruling out heat stress.

I prayed, quite emphatically, for God to give me the strength to get through it. I got through it. But, did really poorly…at least that’s what I thought. I had a great deal of difficulty, like I said, going slow, doing the tight U-turns, and the slow weaves. I didn’t have any trouble at all with the fast stuff and could’ve taught a class on the panic breaking, the swerving to avoid and panic stopping on a curve. I was the only one not to break the line of the curve on that one.

But, I was sure that I had failed because of how poorly I had done. But, through the Grace of God, I passed. When I asked the instructor about it afterward he told me I had done a great job and the key was that he saw a great improvement in me over the two days. But, I gotta tell you, I AM KNACKERED!!! And I am so thankful that … I’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!

So, until we meet again my friends, prayer works, so keep it up. May God Bless you and keep you until next time. My love and prayers go with you.

Good morning, campers,

While you are reading this I am in the middle of my motorcycle safety course, so please keep me in your prayers.  I’m a little nervous.  I rode to work today. Left at the earliest possible time I was allowed, by law to leave…30 minutes prior to sunrise. It was still dark when I got to work. And it was COLD out.

But I did okay. It was a little windy on the highway.

Anyway, I don’t have a lot of time to finish this for you guys, so let’s get to the good stuff…

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl, but I’ll take it!”

Did you hear about the man that was arrested at the board game shop?
Apparently, he walked in and said he was looking for trouble.

Okay, this one is long, but it is well worth the read…

I got this one …

And then I got this one from the same person…

So…I’m not sure if I’m legally obligated to send the second one or not or whether it’s an explanation when, obviously, one is not needed. But I thought I’d give you a little behind-the-scenes of what I get to go through.

Me too!

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word

Just as silly as the ones through the nose.

That is so beautiful.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,  “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me asking, where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?

The Irishman replies, “Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives…
I told her that is not true. I said, “I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine.”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
 
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. 

Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. 

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. 

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
 
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
 
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
 
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
 
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. 

The patrons chant “Take another drink”!
 
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
 
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
 
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
 
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
 
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
 
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
 
The bartender sighs and says,
 
“That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Stephanie sent me this next one and I’m sure it expresses the sentiment of an awful lot of us:

COPIED

The Turning Point

At what point, at what precipice, at what limit of liberty do WE, as a free and righteous people, turn and face the evil that confronts us?

When does the conflagration of depravity demand a flood of extinguishing?

How much longer can the parchment of Constitutional values survive the gnashing of demonic teeth?

No longer. 

Not a minute.

Not a second.

Not a nano second. 

Critical mass has been reached!

The assault on decency, common sense and morality has gone nuclear. 

The repression of speech and individual rights is a tattered banner hanging by a thread. 

Tis time to retrieve said banner and hoist it as a battle flag. 

Tis time to rise as one and vanquish the foe of insanity. 

No longer to be the audience of this insipid performance. 

No longer to step aside for this parade of perversion.

Stand, speak, demand a return to ways that set us apart!

To the foundation of this great nation!

To the grace of Godliness that was once bestowed upon our shining shores!

WE, have reached THE TURNING POINT.

– – – J. Clent Wilkinson

As he stood at the bar for the first time with his son the proud father said, “Now is as good of time to talk about some of the facts of life. Remember. a man that drinks beyond his capacity is no gentleman. To enjoy life, you must observe a happy medium. Have a drink occasionally, but never, never, never get drunk.”

“Yes sir,” replied his dutiful son, “but how am I to know when I am drunk?”

“Well, you see those two men over there in the corner?” said the father. “If you were to see four men, you’d know you were drunk.”

“Dad, let me have the keys,” grinned the son. “There’s only one guy over there.”

This is SO GOOD!!!!!!

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?”

“No,” replies wife, “he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie.”

And that’s it my friends. May God Bless you and Keep you and Smile His face upon you until we meet again.

I really do like that header. Turn your wounds into wisdom. You can also say, turn your grief into forgiveness. 

I saw the replay of where Charlie Kirk’s wife forgave the shooter. I gotta say, I’ve never seen such strength in all my life. I pray that if ever needed that I, too have that kind of strength. I’m not sure I ever would…but I pray that I would. Jesus asked God to “forgive them for they know not what they do.”

But He’s God.

I’m but human.

A sinner.

I would definitely need the strength of the Lord for something like that…as I’m sure did she. It made me cry. I wonder if the shooter got to see it. I hope his conspirators did. 

In other news, I put some new artwork on the bike.

 

Please ignore the mess in my garage. I’m in the process of correcting that.  I was supposed to have a new license plate holder to go with it, but I guess I messed up and the one I ordered ended up being for a car instead of a motorcycle so the replacement is coming tomorrow.

Anyway, I’ve got a meeting I’ve got to get to in a few minutes. I want you guys to keep me in your prayers this weekend. I go for my Safety Class on Saturday and Sunday and for my full endorsement on my license. I’m going to try to get an issue out for Saturday, but if I don’t get this one done on time, this may BE Saturday’s issue instead of Thursday’s like I’m planning.  Today is Tuesday when I’m starting it. I’ve got jail tomorrow night, FBI on Thursday night which would leave me Friday night to do Saturday’s issue…and that’s if I get this one done after I get home from the meeting I have to leave for shortly…we shall see.

Maybe if nothing else this can be a short issue. But for now…

Harley Davidson Johnny Cash Special I saw at a Car and Motorcycle show I was at last Saturday.

I just want you to know that if I win the Powerball tonight, it won’t change me.
It will change my phone number, my email address, my mailing address…

I’ve seen this next quote before and I LOVE IT!

Everything that can be invented has been invented.
 
– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

How does the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?


Meat Patty

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows. They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

My girlfriend isn’t the brightest bulb. One day when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, “What’s your IQ anyway?!”
She shot back defiantly, “20/20!”

“Doctor, Doctor, I Feel Like A Dustbin.”
“Don’t Talk Rubbish!

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night, the doorbell rings.

The first kid at the door says, “I’m Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”

The father, mildly amused, answers, “Yes.” 

The second kid comes to the door and says, “I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

The guy, now perplexed, answers, “Yes.” 

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. A kid says, ‘Hi, I’m Jim.   I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?’  

The guy, becoming annoyed, answers, “Yes.” 

The doorbell rings   one more time, and a kid standing there says, “Hi, I’m Chuck . . . ”   

The father shot him.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

 

– Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

I have questions…

I agree…I love this analogy, also.

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
 
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
 
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
 
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

And with that blast of positive motivation, I’ll let you get back to your day. So, this made it out on Thursday after all, and we’ll hope for Saturday. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness, Strength and Comfort until we meet again. My love to you all.

Another great ride today, but you guys don’t want to hear about that, do you? But, I will say this, I was on old US 24 at 60 mph, winding through the the Indiana countryside out for 30 minutes, visited with friends and then back for 30 minutes. It was my farthest ride yet. I think I’m ready for next weekend for my course and test. I guess we’ll see.

I’ve had a request for how to make a donation using a credit card. The easiest way to do that is through PayPal. If you go to the website of dragonlaffs.com on the right column near the top you’ll see this:

If you click on that, it will take you right to the donation site where it is really easy…as a matter of fact, if you click HERE, it will do the exact same thing.  

Okay, that’s about as easy as I can make it. And to those who asked, thank you very much. And from here …

Therapist: “I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?”
Me: “Can’t say I do.”
Therapist: “That’s one of them!”

I laughed so hard at that one!

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee. 

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee. 

The next employee also declined the (now) $20k bonus and elected to double and pass it on. “Wow,” thought the CEO, “even 20k is being passed on! What a sense of camaraderie on this team.” 

The next employee also chose to double and pass on. This continued for 6 more employees and the bonus offer now stood at over $2.5 million. In a panic, the CEO had to call his wealthy father to get a loan, otherwise his business will be bankrupted. 

Meanwhile the nine employees were in the kitchen deciding how to evenly split $2.5 million.

That’s actually pretty easy … it’s $277,777.78 each.

 

That makes an enormous amount of sense! It’s PERFECT!!!!

And yet AGAIN, it makes perfect sense!!! Guess what month my birthday is… go ahead, guess? 

WRONG! It’s April! No, I’m kidding, of course it’s December! It has to be December!  It all makes sense.

Yeah, sometimes gothic castles aren’t all that they’re cracked up to be…unless they have a nice dungeon for a dragon.

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist church.

The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, “That will be $20.”

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. 

The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. “Not bad,” he thought. “At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.”

The next morning the man’s face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop. 

“I thought $20 was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

The very BEST explanation I’ve EVER heard!

Joe sent in a great new diet!

Italian Pasta Diet

IT REALLY WORKS !!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Look close, you’ll get it.

But, I like nurses.  They are some of my favorite people. Most of the nurses I’ve met are really sexy!

Dear Boss…
 
To ensure that you have a good time on your upcoming trip to Australia, your loyal team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours:
 
Day 1… “Those Marvelous Morays”
 
  This exciting tour will once take you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.
 
Day 2… The “Great White Encounter”
 
  You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and personally experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
 
Day 3… The “10 Deadliest Snakes Fall Tour”
 
  You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes.
 
Day 4… The “Crocodile Dundee Petting Zoo”
 
  You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
 
Day 5… The Aboriginal “Festival of Spears”
 
  You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
 
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
 
Your loyal employees.

Ok, it’s official. I’m getting old.

The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store.

Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. God, she was hot.

My thought? “I wonder what her mother looks like.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

“I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” “Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes like Bonnie and Clyde. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught by the FBI.

At trial, they are convicted and the judge gives Mary ten years in prison because she used a gun in the crime, while John gets only two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to an unbelievable clerical error, John will be serving ten years and Mary only two years. Despite her insistence to have the mistake corrected, John convinces Mary to just keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and he is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and they start anew, leaving their life of crime behind them. They raise a family with children and then grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy life together.

At their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and all their friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

Eventually, the conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships that involved.

Mary answers, “Well… you know that you have found the ‘One’ when you finish each other’s sentences…”

One day a Blond, a Brunette and a Redhead all go hunting…

When they get to the campsite, they set up their tents and the brunette immediately goes into the woods with her gun. A few hours later, she comes back to camp with a huge 8 point white tailed deer. 

The Redhead and the Blonde are very impressed and they ask her how she managed to kill it. “I followed the tracks, and I got the deer,” was her answer. 

After breakfast the following morning the Redhead went out hunting. After about half the day she comes back dragging a giant black bear. The Brunet and the Blond are astounded and they ask how she was able to kill the bear. The Redhead answers, “Well, I just followed the tracks, and I got myself a bear!”. 

That evening after an early dinner the Blond goes out into the woods hunting. The following morning she drags herself into the camp all bloody and mangled. The other two girls’ eyes go wide and they ask her, “WHAT HAPPENED TO You!?!?”.

The Blond replies in a faint voice, “I followed the tracks too… but I got hit by a train…”

Moe: “Where did Larry go?”
Curly: “He’s round in front.”
Moe: “I know what he looks like, I just wanted to know where he went.”

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked. 

He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead, he heard the following from one quick wit in the back, “You got the right place!”

And that’s it my dear friends. Until next time or until we meet in the air. Yes, rumor has it that the Rapture happens on Tuesday. I love hearing this predictions since even Jesus says that only God knows the time and day. 

Although, we are also told of the signs, like the beginning spasms of birth pains, when the end is approaching, and if anyone can’t see that the world is spasming right now, then they aren’t paying attention. 

People have been calling for and predicting the Rapture for years, but personally, I can’t help but feel that it is close. Please my friends, if you are not right with God, get yourself so. And may our Heavenly Father Bless each of you until we meet again.  

I just had one of the greatest rides I’ve had on the new bike! It was short, but it was wonderfully fast! I was up to 75 (okay, so it was in a 55 and that’s WRONG, but I had to stretch her legs) (and I had to prove to myself that I could do it … it has been 40 YEARS!!!) and she was smooth as silk! Took the curves like a dream, ran like the magnificent machine that she is! It was wonderful.

Okay, now that I’ve got THAT out. …

Well done is better than well said.
 
– Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. 

For me, it’s  biting my fingernails. 

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
 
“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”

Teacher: I hope I didn’t just see you looking at Harry’s paper, Raymond!
Raymond: I hope so too, teacher!

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
 
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
 
“You say you have experience selling books?”
 
“Lots of it,” replies Jim.
 
“And you have a Master’s in American history from the University of Michigan?”
 
“Correct,” replies Jim. “History is my field of study.”
 
“Well then,” says the sales manager, “As soon as I can completethis form, we can get you started in the firm.”
 
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
 
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, “Fine looking men. Your partners?”

This next one is about a half hour long, but it is SO funny. I laughed most of the way through it. So, fair warning.

Wow! This guy is so good! 

The website is cool, motorcyclemissionary.com.  Just spent a lot of time there looking around. Giving me ideas, but let’s move on. And thanks to Vincent for sending in the article!

Should be able to use this for something, I thought…nah! It’s just funny.

Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this?

Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.

Al: I got fired from my job as a bank guard.
Sam: What happened?
Al: A thief came into the bank. I drew the weapon and told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it.
Sam: What did he do then?
Al: He took one more step, so I let him have it. Who wanted that stupid old gun, anyway?

“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”
“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win…
If I was late to work, I was hostile.
If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive.”

“Wake up, honey. It’s time to go to school.”
“But why? I don’t want to go to school.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”
“One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”
“Oh, that’s no reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”
“Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?”
“One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!”

That’s it dear friends. Another one in the bank. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  May God Bless you with love and happiness until we meet again.