I just finished up the last issue and I’m starting this one.  I have a little bit of time before I have to pick Izzy up for her appointment, so I thought I’d spend it with you while watching Warehouse 13 on TV.  Remember that show?  I don’t have regular TV, so I tend to watch … stuff.  I watched Eureka, Grimm, Person of Interest … you know … stuff.  Noise in the background.  I tried turning on some of my podcasts while I worked on this, but I became too interested and stopped working on this.  I tried having nothing on or music on and it put me to sleep.  

So…stuff.

So, let’s get started on the funny stuff since I just finished my rant from the last issue.

I hired a handyman and gave him a list.  When I got home, only #1, 3, and 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

I told myself that I should stop
DRINKING
But I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

I just realized I haven’t done the “Hokey Pokey” in over 10 years.  I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

You know you’re ugly when you go to a haunted house and come out with an application.

Quote of the Day:

Heat makes things expand.  So, I don’t have a weight problem.  I’m just hot.

That is such a great picture!

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up…
That’s a squat, right?

This is the back 0f Izzy’s car now.  (Yes, I changed the license plate.  No, she doesn’t actually have IZZY 1 as her plate)  She wants to get rid of the Sheriff’s Association stuff that I have put on, as well as the zombie apocalypse response unit decal.  Her reasoning was that, “Dad, I have no idea what to do in case of a real zombie apocalypse and I don’t want someone coming up to me and asking in case it happens.”  I kinda just stood there.  Either she was unusually straight-faced or serious.  I’m hoping for the first, but REALLY afraid it was the latter.  

This amazing fossil looks exactly like a dragon, hard to believe it is real.

But it is.

This is the skull of Dracorex hogwartsia, a dinosaur with an armored skull.

Upper Maastrichtian, Late Cretaceous.

My two girls on heightened alert over the demonstrations due to take place in our area.  That’s Willow in the top left and Pepper in the right.  Aren’t they fearsome looking in their attentiveness?  Their protectiveness? Their … Okay … they’re lazy ladies and they’d probably help the robbers carry the TV out…moving on.

And everyone of us have been called to do something.

But it’s the Israelis who are the bad guys?  It’s amazing to me.  Over the weekend, Israel launched a preemptive strike against Iran.  They targeted military and industrial objectives.  Precession strikes.  Why?  Because Iran was making nuclear weapons with the express purpose of nuking Israel.  The United States was working towards a diplomatic solution.  Iran was lying through their teeth.  Israel waited, and waited, and waited … until they couldn’t wait any longer and then they struck, only against the military and industrial targets to stop the threat of nuclear war.

What did Iran do?  Launched missiles against Israel’s civilians.  Like they always do.  Because they have sworn to completely destroy and kill every Jew in the world.  They teach that to their children in school.  The Jews don’t teach their children to kill all the Palestinians.

But who are the bad guys according to the world?

But I have news for you…and it says so in the Bible…anyone who goes against the Jews, loses.

Okay, let me just push this soapbox back out of the way again.

My wife filed for divorce today, saying I am too un-American for her.

To be honest, I saw that coming from a kilometer away.

Okay, I have to admit, this whole, Generation X, Generation Z, Generation…what-the-heck-ever always kind of confuses me, so I went on line and found this great little chart…

So, 
1883 – 1900 – The Lost Generation – You would be from 142 to 125 years old
1901 – 1927 – The Greatest Generation or G.I. Generation – 124 to 98 years old
1928 – 1945 – The Silent Generation – 97 to 80 years old
1946 – 1964 – The Baby Boomers – 79 to 61 years old
1965 – 1980 – Generation X – 60 to 45 years old
1981 – 1996 – Millennials or Generation Y – 44 to 29 years old
1997 – 2012 – Zoomers or Generation Z – 28 to 13 years old
2013 – mid 2020s – Generation Alpha – 12 years old and younger

So, I wonder how many from each generation we have reading DL?  My bet would be that most of us fall in the Baby Boomers, Generation X, with maybe a few Ys thrown in…maybe.

I can’t believe it’s riot season already.  I still have my Ukraine decorations up.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!  What in the heck do they think they are going to accomplish other than making us angry?

They said ‘CHEER UP! THINGS COULD BE WORSE!!

So I CHEERED UP AND SURE ENOUGH,

THINGS GOT WORSE!!!

I’m sitting here watching some news coverage of the silly-assed No Kings protests.  These turnips have no idea what in the world they are talking about.  I will say one thing, so far, they are all peaceful.  Let’s all hope and pray that they stay that way.  They have the right to say what they want to say.  

I had to turn it off.  “Immigration built this country”?  No…not really.  But, I’m not going to give a history lesson here about the difference between legal immigration and invasion.  

Until next time my friends.  May you be Blessed by God with love and happiness.

I truly LOVE those bookends!!!!!!!  I found them on Amazon.  Very confusing though.  They say they cost $12.99, until you customize them with color and size and what-not.  Then the “small” set that I picked out, just playing around, ended up being about $37.  They weren’t an Amazon product, that’s for sure.  Anyway, still a cool product.

One of the things I meant to do in the last issue that I forgot was …

Here’s some comments from the website…

Good Buddy Sasquatch writes and says: Gee thanks, now I’m going to be singing I’m my own grandpa for days again.  That from yet another story of someone marrying his son’s step-mother’s daughter or some-such.

Sorry buddy.  And now that I’ve reminded you of it, the earwig is probably back again.

jhjoseph left a very nice compliment regarding great funnys in issue #1897…which leads me to believe he’s time traveling again.

And Yukon Cornelius, whilst searching for silver and gold left this very subtle comment: and the teachers are screaming for big raises. See? I didn’t even capitalize the first word of that sentence and I started first grade in 1971. Quite wrapped in the conversation of the youth of today speaking a language of hieroglyphics rather than real words, as Leah D points out, that they could be the new code talks in war.  Yukon, I predate you into first grade by about six years or so, my friend, so I understand completely.

Back to Leah D, who writes:

I will claim it is because I am dealing with pain, but I do not get the Subway prophets thing, please explain.

Our private way of acknowledging D-Day is, we have the flag at half mast until noon. Then as he raises it, I stand with hand on heart, then when raised, he joins me, and we salute all the soldiers. D-Day is very important to remember, but for the past ? months, I can’t verbally go there. I cry, over D-Day, over every picture and or story of a Vet, whether of their great bravery and caring, or their death.

It all seems so disgusting that humans never learn that war is not a great thing, and why should we send our soldiers to suffering and death? I mourn all those I have known and loved who were sent to VN, remembering as I graduated and moved into my new life, they were taken, put through hell.

Leah, I’m going to answer the second part of your comment first.  No, war is not a great thing, but sadly, sometimes it is a necessary thing and the men and women who choose to go and fight (and sometimes go and fight who are chosen) and sometimes give the ultimate sacrifice are to be remembered.  As I have mentioned before, currently, less than 1% of the country chooses to be associated with the military.  Men and women in uniform and civilian service.  Protecting and defending the other 99%.  It certainly isn’t for the money.  I would hope that for most of us it is for a higher purpose, but looking around at the common denominator of the military right now, I would say that would account for maybe half.  The other half … I don’t know.

But, no.  War is not honorable.  But it is necessary.  There will always be evil out there to be protected from.  And there will always be a need for brave men to stand up and face that evil.  As long as they face it the right way.

As to the first part of your comment.  The quote goes like this: “The words of the prophet are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls and whispered in the sound of silence.”  At least I’m pretty sure that’s the way it goes since I did that from memory.  Simon and Garfunkel, the Sound of Silence.  And if you really want to be touched and thought provoked, REALLY listen to the words of THAT song.  What a pair those two were.

Now…

And any bar that’s worth a darn should have them for every drink!  It is worth the safety of your patrons, men and women.

I really don’t get the connection between the ducks and the jeeps.  I just know it’s there.  And every jeep owner I’ve ever meet knows OF the connection, but not the WHY of the connection.  Even google just says … because it’s a thing.  Started with a lady named Parliament and developed into a thing.  Random act of kindness…yeah…I get that…but why ducks?  You mean to tell me that if she had had a plastic dinosaur, they’d all be playing T-Rex-Jeep, instead of Duck, Duck, Jeep?

That is so awesome!!!!!!

True.  I heard this story, with some other details from … um … other sources.  I think that all Chinese students should be expelled from our country.  Every one of them sign an agreement that in exchange for their visa to come over here and study they agree to spy and send back information on certain “targets”.  

Brian Wilson, The Beach Boys Co-Founder and Singer, Dies at 82

The music icon helped define the “California sound” with the American rock ‘n’ roll boy band he formed with his family members and a friend

Rest in Peace, Brian.  You will be missed.  When music was music.

I have done this.

I have shown this picture before, but someone sent it to me again and it is so cute, I had to share it again.

Yeah, like he’s not going to be easily tracked down…if they care to.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P.

Well, it’s actually in the 70’s but okay.

Warning!  This next joke is awful!

Elvis vs. Godzilla

Could Godzilla, the King of Monsters and Elvis, The King, be one and the same? You be the judge.

~ Nickname ~

Godzilla: King of Monsters

Elvis: King of Rock

~ Year Career Started ~

Godzilla: 1954

Elvis: 1954

~ Species ~

Godzilla: Giant lizard

Elvis: Giant lounge lizard

~ Social Order ~

Godzilla: Hangs out with freaks

Elvis: Had Michael Jackson for son-in-law

~ Famous Bug Battles ~

Godzilla: Fought giant caterpillar Mothra

Elvis: Outlasted the Beatles

~ Vocal Quirks ~

Godzilla: Terrible dubbing of his movies

Elvis: Never could lip-synch

~ Eating Habits ~

Godzilla: Would eat anything

Elvis: Would eat anything fried

~ Attire ~

Godzilla: Fat man in rubber suit

Elvis: Fat man in polyester suit

~ Crusades ~

Godzilla: Fought pollution in Godzilla vs. Smog Monster

Elvis: Absorbed all forms of pollution into his own body

~ Farewell ~

Godzilla: Has eaten the building

Elvis: Has eaten everything in the building

Iowa Law

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

A Belgian guy watched a Dutchman in a cafe get the most beautiful girls without any trouble, even though he did not look very nice.
 
Asked how he did this, the Dutchman said, “Well very easy, when I enter, I toss the keys of my Rolls Royce on the bar and they just flock to me. Though I am as poor as you, the keys do it.”
 
So this Belgian guy buys a some nice Rolls keys and tries it also, but to no avail.
 
He asks the Dutchman for advice again, “Yes says the Dutchman, if you don’t take off your bicycle helmet it don’t work.”

Because of an ear infection, my young daughter, Steph, had to go to the pediatrician.
 
I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my daughter.
 
When he asked Steph, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Steph nodded and whispered in his ear.
 
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.
 
Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.
 
Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have.

When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.
 
As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the MC that he desired a question on American History.
 
The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. 

He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mic.
 
“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”
 
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence — the crowd went nuts.

He hadn’t missed a question all week.
 
“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”
 
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
 
“I’ll try the easier part first.”
 
The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”
 
The audience grew silent with gross anticipation…
 
“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Kathy in the kitchen crying out loud.
 
“What’s the matter, darling?” he asked her, trying to console her in between loud sobs.
 
“I just don’t know what to do,” said Kathy.  “Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a really special dinner – but the dog has just eaten it.”
 
“Awww…don’t worry,” said Howard….. 
 
“I’ll get us another dog.”

I wish they would say where that was!  I could easily beat that high score!

But will she stop complaining?

Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Be Careful When You Follow The Masses.
Sometimes the “M” is silent.

LIFE HACK # 387

How to make a temporary tattoo:
1. Draw your tattoo with a sharpie.
2. Rub baby powder on it.
3. Cover it in hairspray.
(The tattoo should last for about a month)

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan”.
Follow me for more financial advice.

I’m going to rant for a minute.  This whole nonsense with the riots across the country, but especially in LA are beginning to drive me nuts.  First, it’s being driven by people much higher up than something “spontaneous”.  A guy was interviewed on AFR yesterday and he said he was paid $150 a day to “protest”.  He was told where to go, what streets to be on, what to shout and magically, there were piles of stuff to throw, pallets of bricks, stuff like that.  Pretty well organized for “spontaneous riots.”…. I’m sorry.  Demonstrations.

Then you have the “legitimate news organizations” down playing the whole thing and saying stuff like, “people just wanting to relax and enjoy themselves and watch cars burn.”  I kid you not!  That is what one of them said.  Well, I got news for you, pal!  Those are someone else’s cars that they are relaxing and watch burn, you blind turnip!

“Trump and his Gestapo tactics.”  ICE is doing their jobs!!!!  How dare you!  How flippin’ dare you!  You encourage the people to get in the way of them doing their job and then wonder why he calls in the National Guard and then the Marines.

I agree with Todd Herman.  This is all just a pretense.  All these open borders, how many terrorists do you think slipped through during Biden’s four years of open borders?  What are they waiting for?  They are waiting for the borders to be closed.  Now that the borders are closed, here’s what’s going to happen.  We are so used to demonstrations happening in the left-wing, nut-case cities where they block the highways and the people wait like good little sheep in their cars for the police to eventually show up and break it all up.  By then the back up of cars on the highways are miles and miles long, 3 and 4 and 5 cars across, right.

Enter the terrorists from the front of the pack and the back of the pack.  Could be explosives, could be small arms, could be the tunnels and overpasses pre-set with explosives…what a bloodbath that would be.  All those good little sheep just set right up for slaughter.

That’s one scenario.

What about these riots in LA and now picking up in other places.  How hard would it be for them to turn bloody?

And the Moronic Left screaming for more! 

Yes, there are some good, hard working illegals here.  But, the fact is, if they are not here legally, then we are not doing them any favors by protecting them.  We are not doing the legal immigrants any favors by protecting the “good illegals”, if there is such a thing. 

And if you come to OUR country and start waving YOUR flag … all I can say is, what in the world is wrong with you?  If your country is so great, GO BACK!  What are you doing HERE?  Are you an IDIOT?  Mentally challenged?  If it’s not great, then why are you waving their flag?  Blind-friggin’-Turnip!

Okay, I’m done.  I’m not really.  I want to yell and scream and slap someone and all that, but there’s no one to slap.  I can’t believe how dumb some people are.

I have to be more forgiving.  God wants me to be more loving.  Love my neighbor does NOT mean welcoming illegal aliens.  It really doesn’t.  It means loving the idiots who are rioting and forgiving them.  Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.  Some of them know what they are doing.  They are protesting professionally for $150 a day.  That is so wrong.  So sinful.  But, so is me calling them idiots, and I need to ask for forgiveness for that.

It’s infuriating.  Difficult to stay calm.  I’m not there, I’m trying not to watch it on TV or anything else and yet it’s still getting to me just with the news that is being sent to me and what intel I’m getting from work.

Please pray for those involved, my friends.  Help them see the light of what they are doing and what they need to do.  On both sides.

Until next time.  May God Bless you and keep you.  

I can feel myself growing into a funk … again.

You guys are my counselor afar, so sit back and relax.  Read on or don’t, makes me no never mind.  See, it matters not if you read, ’tis the writing that matters.  The thing is, I have to have someone I’m writing TO.  If I don’t have someone in mind I’m writing to, I can’t write.  I could never keep a diary or a journal for that reason.  It can’t be an “imaginary person” or “me”.  It has to be a real audience.

And yes, I know that makes no sense.

So, for this counseling session, you are my audience.  

Robert Heinlein once implied that writing is very cathartic, all you have to do is sit down behind a typewriter and open a vein.  For me, that’s very much the case.  Pretty much every thing that I seriously write has a bit of me in it.  Every writer has a voice, some writer’s call it a style.  

No, I take that back.  Some editors call it a style, along with some writing teachers.  Most writers call it a voice.  My words going out into the world in some sort of semi-permanent form.  And I guess that’s why I have to imagine there is someone out there reading them.

Already way more on that topic then I expected to spend…

Funk…again…

Saw my doctor today.  She’s a nurse practitioner.  I like her a lot.  I won’t ever see her again.  She’s retiring and turning me over to her replacement.  But, I don’t think that’s funk-causing although I do believe it doesn’t help.  She wants to prescribe me a “companion”.  I honestly think if she was sticking around she’d try to set me up with someone from her church.  I really think she has someone in mind.

I finished up the crappy exercise at work and I’m off work from Tuesday through Sunday, because I’m out of hours.  I hit my 80 hours for 2 weeks in 8 days.  Then I’m going to take more time off in the next couple of weeks.  Probably in conjunction with our newest holiday, Juneteenth.  (Dumbest name for a holiday, EVER!)

I don’t know.

I wasn’t at church on Sunday, but I watched the replay of the sermon when I got home from work and something the pastor said really touched me, so I sent him a text message and I started to get emotional when I wrote to him.  This is what I wrote:

Pastor,
I got home from work and put on your sermon from today and I wanted to tell you that many parts touched my heart deeply.
___, I believe that I’m ready to go home right now.  I long for it with every fiber of my being.  But I know that God is going to keep me here as long as He still has work for me to do.  And as long as He still has work for me to do I’m going to do it to the best of my ability.  Because even more than JUST going home is being welcomed with, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” 
I know there are SO many places were I’ve fallen, as we all have.  But I know that I haven’t stopped trying.
Just one of the places were you hit me today, my friend.
I just wanted you to know.

And he wrote back to me and we talked for a little bit.  

It is with great anticipation I look forward to the day where my soul leaves this weary world and I find myself in the presence of my Lord and Master.  I ache to feel His abundant love wrap my being in its comfort forever.  I have such a tiny bit of that now when the Spirit blesses me with His presence, but lately I feel so alone.

Maybe I just need to find more opportunities to share God’s word, maybe I just need to spend more time in prayer with my Abba Father, maybe I need to spend more time myself in The Word.

Maybe.

I know I have felt lonely before…but lately….

Enough of the counseling session.  I have the jail tonight and I want to get a little bit of the issue started before I head out the door….so….

I’m pretty sure I know EXACTLY where this place is!

Whatever you do always give 100% 

• • Unless you’re donating blood.

“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. 

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. 

Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. 

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.

He moved ahead slowly. “Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. 

He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. 

He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. 

There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. 

He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. “It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room.”

That’s because when we are young, we know that we are indestructible, it’s not until we are older that we worry about this temporary shell of a body getting hurt.

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them. 

Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”

One of my favorites!

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. 

He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving. 

I asked again for a more detailed description beyond “a nice blue four-door.”

After a long pause, the driver replied, “My car is the one on fire.”

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night.

He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, “It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday.”

“There was no trouble with the liquor,” replied the bellboy, “but it’s tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday.”

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” 

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

OK, so there are 3 guys, and they are walking down the beach, when they find an old barnacle-encrusted bottle laying on the shore. 

One of the guys, says “Hey look. It’s a bottle hehe”, and he picks it up and throws it. 

It cracks against a nearby palm tree, and a blinding flash of white light engulfs them. 

A deep voice says, “I am a Genie. I have been trapped in that bottle for over a millennium. 
You have freed me and it is all I can do to give you each 1 wish. Of anything you desire.” 

So the first guy is pretty bewildered, but he thinks (something he has not done in quite a while) and says “uhhh… I wanna be 2 times smarter yup…”

So the genie grants his wish and he becomes two times smarter, and begins to recite the multiplication tables. 

The genie turns to the other guy, who was slightly smarter than the first one, and asks him what he wants. 

The man replies, “Well, I don’t want to be stupider than HE is, so let me be 10 times smarter.”

The genie grants his wish and he suddenly is able to recite any word out of the dictionary, and can practically do anything!

The genie turns to the last guy and asks HIM what his wish is. 

The guy thinks hard for a moment, and the perfect wish comes to him.  He says proudly, “I want to be 100 times smarter than I am now.” 

The genie looks at him uncertainly, and tries to persuade him to wish for something else. 

The man gets angry, and says “MAKE ME 100 TIMES SMARTER!!!!!!” the genie sighs, and promptly turns him into a woman.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 
 
He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”  
 
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” 
 
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”  
 
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 
 
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.  
 
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.” 
 
God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” 
 
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?” 
 
“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.” 
 
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!” 
 
God replied wisely,  
 
“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.”

I loved those things!!

Lynn sent this to me, just in time for Saturday’s issue.

There will be many protests across the country this Saturday the 14th. 
Go to NoKings.org to see if they’ll be near you.
There are several in Ohio, so be prepared.

So, I went to their silly-assed website (which means I’m probably on some list now and I’ll get a knock on the door from the FBI) and they have an event planned for the three cities around me.  But not for little Peru where I live.  Their website is hilarious.  NO KINGS!  NO THRONES!  Because the president is making you obey the law you think he is behaving like a king?  Please!  

Anyway, I’m curious to see how this “peaceful” demonstration turns out.  I’m curious to see how it works out in the areas near you.  Let me know if you get any turn out.  Until then …

I LOVE this picture!!

What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Therapist: What brings you in today? 
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis. 
Therapist: How bad is it? 
Me: It comes in waves

I’ve opened a restaurant called “Peace And Quiet” – Kids meals only $150.00.

I went to the opticians this morning and said, “I think I need glasses”. She said, “I think you’re right, this is a pet shop”.

I was wondering why Waldo always wears stripes, but then I realized he wanted to avoid being spotted.

I bought coconut shampoo the other day, but when I got home I realized I don’t even own a coconut.

My friend bought me a human size catapult for my birthday. It’s not great, but it gets me out of the house.

 I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It’s giving payment where payment is due that I seem to struggle with.

Dear Coca-Cola Company. No more new flavors. Either add the cocaine back, or leave it alone.

I’ve been hiding out from exercising. That’s right, I’m in the fitness protection program.

 I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me since I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won’t reduce cavities.

 I ordered new coats for my kids…for convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.

9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right, and the 10th husband hasn’t been seen since the study was conducted.

Apparently it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you, you’ve gotten so big!” to children, as adults tend to get offended.

 Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain. Must be all the indoor-fins.

I wish more people realized this…about a lot of things.  PTSD is an invisible wound.  Some handicaps are not readily visible.  We need to be more understanding of our neighbors.  Something about walking a mile in their shoes, right?  Izzy has just started driving on her own and it makes her very anxious due to her autism.  She drives AT the speed limit, so you can imagine the problems that causes sometimes.  I’m looking at getting her a “new driver warning” sticker/magnet for the back of her car.

Okay, so I just did.  This is what I got her:

I figure she’ll like the cuteness and they’ll stand out on her dark blue car.  Two magnets, each of them are 4 inches tall and 10 inches long.  Should be good for her….now, onward…

Antiques have become so popular, right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work, and are only kept around for sentimental purposes.
 
Some of these are called antiques – and the rest are called husbands.

Well, I made it through the exercise.  About 10 hours on Thursday, 14 on Friday and Saturday, 10 again on Sunday and Monday and I’m out of hours for the rest of the week, so I’m taking Tuesday through Sunday off.

I told myself last night (Monday night) that I could stay up late, relax, because I could sleep in this morning.  Well, I fell asleep on the couch about 8 pm, was in bed by 9 and really slept late in the morning.  I really caught up on all my lost sleep.  Yup.  I was wide awake at 0530 this morning, which is my normal time to wake up and about an hour later than I have been since Thursday, so I’m not sure if that’s an hour lie in or not.  

I got up because my bladder made me and laid back down, figured I’d get another hour or so of sleep.  When I realized I was wide-rooster-crow-screaming-awake, I got up, made coffee, took the doggies out and then treated myself to something I don’t EVER do!

I went out to breakfast at what I think is one of the greatest little places ever.  And it sits in little old Peru, Indiana.  Gabriel’s Pancake house.

It is a great place to eat.  They are only open from 0600 to 1500 (6 am to 3 pm) every day.  But they have a full breakfast and lunch/dinner menu.  And it is a real friendly, hometown place.  I always over tip when I go in there.  This morning I had my usual.  Two eggs over easy, sausage, and hashbrowns, with white toast coffee and orange juice.  Now, they don’t skimp on anything.  My tab came to $10.69.  My waitress, a sweet lady, even asked me what flavored jelly I wanted for my toast.  I didn’t tip her 15%.  That would have been $1.60.  She took care of me for about an hour, not that I required a lot of care, I think after she took my order and brought my food, she refilled my coffee once…maybe, but still, it was worth more than a buck and a half.  But, like I said, I tend to over tip when I go in there.  Mostly because I used to run restaurants, I know what a good waitress is worth and I know that they only get paid $3.17 an hour in most places.  So, I gave her a 94% tip, in cash so she didn’t have to claim it all if she didn’t want to.  When you put a tip on a credit card slip, management is obligated to claim that as tips for him or her for taxes.  That’s what the $3.17 an hour is for.  Not for their pay, but so that the company will have money to take out of their check to cover the taxes on the tips that they make.  I’m not sure what the exact figure is any more, but it used to be that the government is going to charge them 10% of the amount of the meals that they served in tip taxes whether they made that much in tips or not.  But if they made more than that on credit card tips, they have to claim that because there is proof that they made that, that’s why I always tip in cash, even if I pay with a credit card.

Anyway, that’s a much longer explanation then I expected to make this morning, which just goes to show that my mind wanders with my fingers doing the typing and going where they wish no matter what I want to do.  I was going to talk about the stupidity going on in Los Angeles right now, but I suppose there is time for that later on in the issue.  So for now …

I’ve never understood that myself.  

Oh come on!  Everyone gets this one!  It’s actually quite good.

The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour, so he asked me to leave.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theatres. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

A politician, an artist, and a statistician are out hunting. The politician shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The artist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ‘em!”

Why are fish so easy to weigh. Because they come with there own scales.

 I just realized that my calculator is missing the minus button. But on the plus side, it still works.

 My father was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.

At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with Stephen King’s son, Joe. I’m not Joking.

 My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list, and now I can’t read anything.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I read a dictionary, and 3am I was past caring.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is??? Every time I ask someone, they tell me “it’s private”.

What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit. They’re either totally depressed, or too excitable. It’s really hard to find a happy Medium.

 Shop assistant fought off armed robber with his labeling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Midgets and dwarfs have very little in common.

Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.

Oh, the list is long and so full of stupidity.

I think there is a great lesson to be learned here.  Go ahead and call this scumbag a saint again and see what happens next.

Mom is mortified after her kindergartner tells the teacher what she does for a living

A Dog’s Diary
 
 
5:30am: Started the day as a hero!  When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber — the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal — I realized that no one in the house was yet awake!  I roused my master by licking him in the face.  He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms.  His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired.  Funny thing though: He didn’t go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I don’t know why.
 
 
7:30am: Invaders!  The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.  This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn.  My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily.  I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
 
 
10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet.  It’s not easy being a dog.
 
 
1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world!  While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter.  It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
 
 
2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present.  He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.  When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
 
 
4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls.  A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks.  “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto.  We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.  Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road?  Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack.  I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.
 
 
5:00pm: What a treat!  On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
 
 
6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath!  My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
 
 
9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone’s home.  Ah, the life of a dog.

Really quite well written.  I enjoyed that to no end.  Thanks, Joe.

That is so important.  You know, that sounds like something for a husband and wife, right?  But, how about for a parents and their kids?  Now, I’m not talking about little kids, you correct them on the spot, when they become teenagers…young adults, there are times when you correct them out of the public eye and have their six in public, right?

I don’t know…quite frankly, I don’t think that 4 helium balloons would be enough to lift a dog off the ground.

At least spell marijuana correctly…

The overwhelming, asinine, stupidity of that one just amazes me.

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone knows the formula for water?”

“Sure. That’s easy,” said one man.

“What is it?”

“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”

“What, what?” reasked the instructor.

“H to O,” explained the chemistry expert.

Yeah…I’ve noticed that … a LOT.

Wow!  Talk about the world going round and being a small place!

Good read!  Highly recommended!

I agree.  There’s gotta be an awful lot of confidence in buying a camouflaged golf ball.

Give Him thanks for so much more.  There is so much more to be thankful for than just your life.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

I agree 100%!!!!!!!

A man comes home to his wife, and he is chuckling. His wife asks him what is so funny. “A limerick I heard today at work. But I can’t tell you,'” he says. “It’s too dirty.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve heard them all,” she replies.

“I really can’t, it’s the dirtiest limerick that I have ever heard!”

“OK”, his wife says. ‘”How about you tell it, but substitute the word ”beep” in the place of the really dirty words”.

‘”Fine,'” he says. ‘”Here goes:

Beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep,

beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep .

Beep-beep beep beep beep,

beep-beep beep beep beep,

beep beep-beep beep beep-beep beep.”

Okay, I want to throw a special in here of Calvin and Hobbs and the Yukon sent in to us by Chris.  I love following the series of Calvin when he does silly stuff like this.  So, here we go!

I think about that and I think about Calvin as a grown up reflecting back on his life with Hobbs and it brings a tear to my eye.  What a wonderful storyteller.

There is so much stupidity going on right now.  

I was upset with myself for missing the anniversary of D-Day on June 6th.  But I was making episodes so far ahead and was overwhelmed with stuff going on, that I just missed it.  But, it did make me reflect on the nonsense that’s going on in LA right now with the people trying to interfere with the ICE agents doing their jobs of deporting illegals from this country.

I’ve heard people complain about so many different aspects of this.  Everything from the ICE agents wearing masks to Trump calling in the National Guard.

Before I go any further, let me make this perfectly clear, this is Impish Dragon’s opinion.  You are free to agree, disagree, disregard, ignore, or adopt it as your own.  I COULDN’T POSSIBLY CARE LESS.  What I DO care about is people getting it wrong and being stupid.

Okay, let’s talk about the masks really fast.  This won’t take but a moment.  Do you know why the ICE agents are wearing masks?  Because lovely members of the press were putting their faces up on the screen and the anti-ICE people were finding out who they were, who their families were, and encouraging their deranged followers to go to this address to get to their kids at school or this address to get to their wives at work and things like that!  For doing their jobs.  Now look…if I found out that someone was threatening my family for me doing my job, or for me being a Christian, military loving, 2nd amendment believing, America first Constitutionalist (wow!  I may have just done so!) I’d wear a mask at work also if I had the chance of being filmed on TV.  It makes perfect sense to me.

These people have the nerve to come into our country as invaders, claiming that their country is so bad, then they are going to wave the flag of that horrible country and throw rocks, bottles (some of which are filled with gasoline and lit on fire) and bricks at our police officers who are there to defend everyone and keep the peace.  If you think that country is so great that you are going to wave that flag, get your butt back there!

And as far as calling out the National Guard, the President has every right to do that during times of insurrection.  And if you don’t think that there is an insurrection going on then I advise you to get a dictionary.  

This morning I saw that little twerp Greta on TV.  I guess she got kicked out of Israel after trying to break a blockade or something.  She was spouting off about how she was kidnapped and how Israel was slaughtering the Palestinians and going on and on about stuff she knew absolutely nothing about, had no authority to speak on, and the media people were like hungry little mice chasing after a single crumb of cheese.  The moronic little sycophants.  “Oh Greta!  What else happened, Greta!  What do you think, Greta?” 

 She’s a smarmy child!  She needs to mind her place while the adults are talking.  

Deep breath….

Okay…until we meet again my friends.  May God bless you with love and happiness.

Okay, I’m gonna try really hard to put together this issue in about an hour or so.  Just so you guys will have something for next Monday because starting tomorrow, Wednesday, my week is going to explode.

So, let’s get to it!

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. 

All she wanted was a man of upright character. 

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. 

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common – they were both compulsive liars. 

39 Teachers Shared The Basic Life Skills Their Students Have Absolutely No Idea How To Do

“High school. I never thought I would have to teach students to memorize their street address.”

WOW!  Just…WOW!

‘Outright murder’: UnitedHealth pressured nurses to DNR patients who didn’t want to die

I have a friend who got a job doing translation work for the deaf, but was disappointed they wouldn’t give him a signing bonus!

Got stuck in traffic for so long the other day that even google maps said “Are we nearly there yet?”

Suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

A friend has bought an old aircraft, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant. I don’t think it will take off.

My mobile phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.

The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.

 I had my patience tested…I’m negative.

 “My twin sister called me from prison. She said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?” …

 If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

Proofreading is a lost rat.

 Did you see how excited everyone was for the newest Lego set? People lined up for blocks.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy…it’s not like I did anything.

 Employer: If anyone asks for me, I’ll be back in half an hour. 
New office junior: Yes, sir, and how soon will you be back if no one asks for you?

What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me. I had some pretty big shoes to fill.

 What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep? He goes undercover.

Hundreds of Amish Men Pick Up & “Walk” A Barn

This move happened in Geauga County, Ohio (specifically Troy Township near Burton, OH), and it was the barn of an Amishman named Nelson Yoder, who decided to move an old machinery barn to a more convenient location to be used in his poly furniture business.

Now we’re going to pursue a theme provided by Aussie Pete.

The 27 Most Unintentionally Profound Things People Have Heard

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, “You’re an idiot. 

You have always been an idiot.  You’ll always be an idiot. 

If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second.” 

“Why would I come in second?” her husband asked. 

She replied, “Because you’re an idiot!” 

Oldie Memories:

Defrosting the freezer…
Replacing burned out tubes in the television
No A/C
Watching stars at night and the only thing that moved were comets
Running outside to see an airplane fly over
Hearing a sonic-boom
Double clutching a three-on-a-tree
The smell of bakelite
Having a neighborhood dog chase your car- or bike
Car Hops
Fuzzy toilets lid cover and matching horseshoe mat
“Return Postage Guaranteed” motel keys
Imprinted credit card receipts
“Counter checks”
Credit at the gas station
“Collect calls”
Late night listening to an AM radio station from a city a thousand miles away… (WOR, WLS, WWL, something out of Wheeling, WV…)

45 Bits of Trivia About Animals That’ll Make You Want to Fashion A Loincloth and Join Tarzan in the Jungle

That’s it my friends.  Until next time.  May God bless you with love and happiness.