Dragon Laffs

  Well, the new year is starting off as cold as the old year ended.  Not surprising I suppose.  It’s New Year’s Day a little after noon and according to my phone it is -5°F and feels like -15°F.  Twelve hours ago at midnight, it actually felt warmer than it does now.  It was -10°F but felt like -10°F.  Funny, huh?

I hope you all had a great New Year’s Eve and that everyone got home safe and sound.  T start off the new year, let’s do some laughing.

It is very important to belt your loved ones!

That’s so funny.  I have to do the same thing.

 

Oh Linus, I’m so with you there, buddy!

Amen!

No, you can’t ignore them.  Then they may just go off and ask someone else and you have no control over what they learn.

That’s it for today folks,

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

It’s been a LOOOONNNNGGGGG year!  One of the worst on record for the DL&LL family of enterprises.  I know…I KNOW that 2018 is going to be a better year.  It has to be.  It can’t hardly be a worse one. 

But, you know what.  No matter how bad it’s gotten for the Dragon family, no matter how close to the edge we’ve gotten, God has always been there to pull us back, keep us safe, protected us and blessed us.

I’m sure there’s more than one Chuck Lorre fan out there.  He’s the producer of The Big Bang Theory among many other shows, and at the end of each episode he has what he calls his vanity cards.  Tonight I saw an old one from about this time last year and it goes like this:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #545

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been spending most of my free time in the land of Not Yet. If you’re unfamiliar with it, Not Yet is a happy place where all the bad things that seem likely to occur have not happened… yet. I like to think of it as a shimmering, shivering soap bubble whose fragile beauty is only made greater by the knowledge that it will soon burst, making way for the dark realm of You Gotta Be Kidding Me.

But not now.

Not Yet.

And yes, I would love to say Not Ever, but that place doesn’t exist.

Yeah, that about describes it.  So, what do you say we get some laughter going and enjoy our weekend?

 

I don’t know what you guys have planned for New Year’s but if you’re going to drink please make sure that you have a designated driver or other arrangements.  I want you all to be safe.

 

 

Don’t we all know someone like this?

Yeah, it’s definitely going to be the later for me.

Have a great holiday and we’ll see you in the new year.

Love you Mom!

Merry Christmas Campers!

And yes, this issue is late, but like they say, better late than never.  It’s been a long difficult week for me.  I finally have a couple of days off, but with the world being the way it is, I expect to be called back to work at any time.  Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Anyway, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a wonderful holiday season and…well, let me put it in the words of my buddy Wheats in a text message that he sent me last night that I, of course, didn’t get until this morning since I was dead asleep pretty much as soon as I got home yesterday.

Anyway, buddy Wheats said, “I hope you and all the dragonettes have a great Christmas filled with the love and joy that come from the realization that Christ was born and is with us still. The miracle is alive and every year I think a lot about how His birth and existence changed everything.  It’s very humbling and worth every second of thought.  Merry Christmas!”  Thank you brother, you are the best!

Now, let’s get some laughs in here and then all go and enjoy the long weekend holiday.

Please take a moment out of your busy holiday to pause and say a prayer for all of the men and women who won’t be home for the holidays this year because they are out protecting your freedom, your lives, and your way of life.  They do not get near enough thanks for their service and dedication.  Most people, at best, couldn’t give a damn and, at worst, despise them for what they think they do.  They raised their hands and swore to defend not only their family, friends, and loved ones, but yours as well.  And they more than deserve a minute of your time.

 

 

My southern buddy sent me this picture of what the real nativity was like…three Wise men that came from a far.

Okay, that is just WAY TOO CREEPY!

 

And with that my dear friends, I wish you all a wonderful holiday.  May your days be filled with Merry and Bright.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I can hardly wait until this weekend when the Christmas break…MY Christmas break, starts.  If anybody around the world does anything to screw this up, I swear I will take on the country myself.  A pissed-off ancient blue dragon is NOT anything they even want to THINK about dealing with!  These 12 hour days are kicking this dragon’s ass!

So what do you all say if we just go ahead and laugh?  I really, truly need it!

Most people have “Ah-ha!” moments… I just have “Oh for fuck’s sake, seriously?” moments.

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.  He saw me and said: ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.   When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night!”

The married woman said: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night when my husband came home.  I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?‘”

 

Dear Santa,

Does naughty count if you do it very nicely?

 

 

See you on Saturday!

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Saturday!  The best day of the week!

Why is Saturday the best day of the week?

I’m glad you asked.  Saturday is the best day of the week for many, many reasons.  First of all, most of us have Saturday off work, so that’s a great thing.  B. Saturday is is a great day because

It wouldn’t be Christmas time without this holiday classic:

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 1, 2012
RE:       Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23^rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along.  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. 

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 2, 20102
RE:       Gala  Holiday  Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 

However, from now on,  we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. 

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 3, 2012
RE:         Holiday  Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name… 

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty 

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2012
RE:        Generic  Holiday  Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20^th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. 

There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Fucking Employees
DATE:    November  5, 2012
RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. 

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my ass.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2012
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23^rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

Yeah, that’s not gonna work out the way you think it will.

This is a pretty cool website that Ginny sent in.  I’ll try and let you know how accurate I think it is.  How much snow will I get?  https://howmuchwillitsnow.com/

I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like, “Want to go for a run?” or “Try this kale.”

This kid is good…really, really good.

Been without my computer all week because of work, so I’m just finishing this up and sending it right out.

Sorry folks.

Impish