HOLY
SHIT!
Boy do we have stuff to talk about this morning!
I was going to lead off with my Group Grief Therapy Counseling Session last night and tell you all about that, but that has to wait now, because when I got home from work this afternoon, I got the mail out of the mail box and noticed a bill from the medical association that I belong to addressed to Mrs. Dragon.  Wondering if this was finally the hospital bill showing up, I opened it and yup, sure enough, that was what it was!  Then I looked up in the upper right hand corner to where it says: 
PLEASE PAY:
And I dropped my fucking teeth!
$54,025.64
Fifty-four thousand, twenty-five dollars and sixty-four cents!!!!  Are you fucking kidding me!?!?  Apparently not!  I was going to call the hospital first, because at the bottom of the bill is a little note that says, “BALANCE REMAINING AFTER INSURANCE – PAYMENT NOW DUE We have been advised that your insurance will not be paying the remaining balance on your account.  If you question this information – please contact your insurance company.” Damn right I question this amount! “Please send payment in full upon receipt of this notice…” Well, you’re gonna have to wait for me to sell my fucking house first! “…or contact Customer Service to take advantage of our zero percent interest payment plans.”  Let’s see $54,025.64 divided by $10 a month is 5,403 months or 450 years and 3 months.  That ought to do it.

So I called the insurance company.  And we had a “What the Fuck” conversation.  Come to find out, they denied the claim.  I said, “Huh?”  Because they were trying to “coordinate coverage” which is insurance speak for did you have any other insurance coverage other than us?  No, I didn’t.  Which I told you guys three times over the last three or four months.  You sent me a letter that said please fill out the enclosed form.  There was no enclosed form, so I called you up and said, “Hey, you sent me a letter that said please fill out the enclosed form and there was no enclosed form and you said oh, we just needed to know if you have any other insurance other than ours and I said no I don’t and you said oh, that’s all we needed, we’ll take care of it from here and that happened two more times and now you’re telling me that my wife has been dead for over four months and now the bill is coming due and you guys STILL DON’T HAVE THE SITUATION FIXED!!!!  Anyway, very long story short, a lovely lady named Kim got the whole thing straightened out and even called the hospital billing department while I was on the phone and told them that they would be processing the bill posthaste and how long it would take them to get their payment.  I’m not sure what my portion of the bill will be, I’m sure at $53K it’s still going to be substantial, but I don’t think I’m going to have to sell the house.

So now, Grief Group.  It was … good.  Interesting.  Not what I expected at all.  There were seven women (ten if you count the three women who were the … leaders (?) of the group) and three men.  One of the men was married to one of the women, but they were the only couple.  Some of the people were there for the second or even the third time.  They were going through this same thirteen week program over again.  I guess that’s a thing.  There is a workbook.  But, it’s not weird doing group counseling out of a workbook.  I thought it would be.  The workbook is more for taking notes during the approximately 45 minute video portion that is on a different topic each week (oh, by the way, each session is two hours long) and for homework that you have each night.  

Well, I laughed, I cried, I got angry, but overall it was good to be able to express myself with a group of people who were going through the same things that I am going through.  The first session, as you can imagine, was more of an introduction to things, but we got into some good conversations.  I really thought it was worth it and I’m looking forward to next week, so that has to count, right?

But, emotionally, I’m feeling a little tender today.  I’m not sure if it’s rebound from the emotions from last night, the sticker shock from the bill I got in the mail (I don’t think it’s that because I was feeling this way before I got home, although I’m SURE that didn’t help) or it might just be Tuesday.  So, what do you say we get to the laughter part of the day and see if we can’t get ole Impish back towards the straight and narrow, or in my case, the wide and twisted.

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Oh, by the way, if you are wondering why you haven’t heard back from me or seen a cartoon or a meme that you sent me yet…well, right at this second, I have 756 unread emails that I am slowly making my way through.  The next one up is from Steve and I got it on May 2nd.  So that was only 2 weeks ago.  Damn!

Dammit!  I feel old!

 

How’s the diet going? 

Not good.  I had eggs for breakfast. 

Scrambled? 

Cadbury.

Remember when you were little and you would get in the above ground pool and spin in a circle with all your friends around the edge of the pool?  Around and around and around the edge of the pool until you started to form a whirlpool? And you keep going round and round and the water would go faster and faster and faster? 

Well…dragons like to do that, too.

Me:  Alexa, remind me to go to the gym. 

Alexa:  I have added Gin to your shopping list. 

Me:  Close enough.

Just convinced myself to have a banana instead of a can of Pringles. 

This is now a fitness page.

Our office softball team is doing VERY well this year.

So, I can’t remember if I told you this or not, so pardon me if I’m repeating myself.  I’m feeling REALLY strongly drawn to go back to church.  And it’s pissing me off.  I am NOT a church person.  Let me clarify that point a little bit for you. 

So, for me to say that I’m being drawn back to church, then you know that the end of times are near.
No, seriously, I am a religious person, as we’ve discussed many times before, I consider myself a learned man when it comes to things of a religious nature, and I believe that God and I have a very good relationship.  My problem is, that there aren’t any churches out there that line up with my beliefs.  So, being drawn to go back to church, I went to Catholic Mass a couple of weeks ago (that’s the part that I thought I told you guys before).  Now, having been born and raised Roman Catholic, and having left the Catholic Church approximately a gazzilion years ago (yes, about the same time the Apostles were writing the Gospels.  Yes.  I’m that old) things have changed a tiny bit.  It’s still the same basic format, but they’ve modernized the language some.
Now, the day I went, I do believe my Heavenly Father led me to go to that particular Mass because the Priest had a very special Homily (that’s the Priest’s sermon) that touched me quite deeply.  I won’t go into the specifics, but it was quite meaningful for me at that time.  I wish I could have bopped in just for that 15 minutes, but, there you have it.
Anyway, this coming Sunday, I do believe I am going to try my buddy’s church that is just down the block from me.  He speaks very highly of it.  I’m not sure what flavor of Christian it is, but I am to understand that they serve donuts before the service and if I get there at no later than 0945 I may even lay claim to one of the last apple fritters.  And as everyone who is anyone knows, a dragon can always be enticed and captivated by a fresh apple fritter.  It is one of our few kryptonites.  

HOLY CRAP!!!!

I just got my musician friend a “Get Better Soon” card.  He isn’t sick.  I just think he can get better…

YUCK@

Yup.  That’s the reason.

About time to break out the 25 piece patio set …

1 chair and 24 beers

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

(Not even remotely.)

And that’s it my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.  May you find a little peace in your life.

Gonna be a shorter issue this morning.  Worked all weekend and now it’s Sunday night and I feel like crap!  I can’t wait to get this damn hip surgery done, it really hurts to stand on my feet too long.  But, I’m going to try to put something together for you guys for tomorrow. 

Another thing … I have my first Grief Group tonight and I’m a tiny bit apprehensive.  I am looking forward to it though.  I’ve been getting their daily emails and have enjoyed them.  I’ll be able to tell you guys all about it later this week.  But for now, ….

I don’t always walk the walk or even talk the talk, but if you ever need someone to drink the drink, I’m totally there for you.

I got an email today asking for $19.95 to teach me how to read maps backwards.  It turned out to be spam.

Leah D sent this to me, and it touched me deeply.  It means a lot.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Thanks Leah.

The line – “The world’s greatest tragedy, souls who are not remembered cannot survive.” really hit me hard.

So…Stephanie stopped by the office the other day…

In a shoe repair store in Vancouver BC: “We will heel you; we will save your sole, we will even dye for you. 

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – this truck is full of Political Promises.”

Husband’s call: “Honey, it’s me. I don’t want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.”

Wife’s Response: “Who is Paula?”

When people bring up your past tell them Jesus dropped the charges.

“So, you were trying to sneak into Impish Dragon’s Cave.  Now, you’re going to pay.”

I just replaced my litter box with a FedX box, now when it’s full I just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines.  He’s a Singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

Okay, this one is also worth a …

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

Coffee is vital for survival.  Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee, and look how that turned out.

That has to be it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

 

It’s Saturday.  And while you guys are reading this, I’m teaching a class in the morning and then running an exercise in the afternoon.  It should be a fun weekend.

Friggin’ Pete sends us a special message:

Life is so unfair. I lost my car keys at the park and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and ten more!

Saw a pack of gummy worms that read “No artificial flavor.”  Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible.

You have to REALLY be drunk…WAY TOO DRUNK!

On HGTV, people can flip a whole house in a month.  Meanwhile, I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for a week now.

Some relationships last a lifetime.

Husband to wife:  I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.  

Wife:  Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.

My emotional support animal is a chicken.
A four piece.
With a biscuit.

Knowing my luck, I’ll be reincarnated as me again.

Did I tell you that I have mermaid in my family tree?  This is my cousin Linda.

Your 30s can teach you a lot.  Like I never knew you could sneeze so hard you can throw your neck and elbow out at the same time.

I’m not sure I learned that one until my 50s.

Raise your hand if you remember this cartoon…

As I was getting into bed, she said, “You’re drunk!” 

I said, “How do you know?”

She said, “You live next door.”

And because I got a wild hair and needed to create this for a guy I know at work, to rub it in because he thinks tankers and boomers are all that and a bag of chips, here’s mine…

I told him that without Weapons Troops, the Air Force would be just another unscheduled Air Lines.

Perfectly and completely understandable in all ways.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.

If you eat well…
And get lots of sleep…
And do exercise…
And drink lots of water…

…You’ll die anyway!

Open the damn wine…

You can expect me to either work well with others or pass a drug test…but not both.

If you don’t know the very sad story of Gilda Radner (and Gene Wilder) I HIGHLY encourage you to do a little research and find out. And with that I have to call  it a night.  I have to work this weekend and there may or may not be an issue on Monday.

Love and Happiness to you all.

I was listening to the radio and I heard that Finland’s 34 year-old Prime Minister has proposed a 4 day work week with a 6 hour work day.  Can you imagine?  A 24 hour work week.  Wow.  I’d love a 24 hour UTA weekend sometimes!  I couldn’t imagine if that was an actual work week.

Anyway, Part I of Lord of the Rings Day was a huge success.  We watched all three of the Hobbit movies.  Started at about noon and finished at about nine-thirty at night.  Izzy Dragon really got into it and actually cried when Smaug died.  I’ll admit, it was such a sad part of the movie, I may have shed a tear or two myself.  NOT this Sunday, because I’m working this weekend, but possibly next Sunday since I’m only working Saturday of THAT weekend, we will attempt the actual Ring Trilogy.  The three extended version movies are a total of twelve hours and six minutes long, which means with pee breaks and food breaks and such, it may take us up to fourteen hours to watch.  So, in order to make it through in one day, we’ll have to start around eight in the morning… which we ALL KNOW is NEVER going to happen.  There is no way in Middle Earth that I’m going to get that baby dragon of mine up and doing anything useful at that time of the morning.  So, we either split it between two days OR we do it on a day where we don’t have to get have to get up the next day.  We’ll see.

Anyway, let’s get some laughter started and see where this issue takes us, shall we?

Things I have in common with Victoria’s Secret models:

1.  I’m always hungry

If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing that I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

“Gee, thanks mom.”

You do realize that the reason so many cool Halloween costumes are showing up right now is because that is what is in my emails right now and that is because that is where I am in my emails right now and that is because that’s how friggin’ FAR BEHIND IN MY EMAILS I AM RIGHT NOW!!!

“SURPRISE!  Oh shit, you found me.  Okay, now its your turn to hide and I’ll count…one…two…three…four…”

You know it, I know it, she knows it, and even deep down, he probably knows it as well.

Halloween till now isn’t THAT bad … is it?

Whadda ya say we start out with this one from Friggin’ Pete…

Do we really require a sign that advises people not to put toys from a machine up their asses? 
Oh? 
Is the machine for those toys somewhere else? 
Did I come to the wrong machine? 
My mistake. 
Terribly sorry. 
I’ll find the correct, toy shoving up my ass machine someplace else!! 
Dear God!  Is this really required in today’s society?!?!  And you know it’s probably the result of a lawsuit or something.  Somebody had their Emergency Room bills paid for by this company because THERE WAS NO WARNING LABEL ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE MACHINE.

We have the GREATEST putt putt golf course

Look for it, you’ll see it.

So now, dear Stephanie is sending me these things…

I know what you are, and I’m sure some of you out there know what you are as well.  For the rest of you, I’ll give you a couple of memes or cartoons and then tell you.  Time enough to think about it.

Not here yet…  we’ll give you a few more minutes

Bacon is 73% fat, and very salty. 

Me too, bacon, meeee, too.

Okay, so, this time, we’ll do it right.  The answer is ….

Neutering your pets makes them less nuts.

Once again, look for it, you’ll see it.

The other day, at a thrift store, I bought an old record album called, “Sounds Wasps Make”.  When I got it home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn’t sound anything like wasp sounds.” Then I realized, I was playing the Bee side.

It’s been much easier on us dragons ever since…the skies have been much less crowded.

Been a while since I’ve done these because it’s been a while since I’ve had any of these…

So…

If shutting down Russia’s Pipeline is supposed to cripple their Economy …

Why then did we shut ours down??

Your TRIGGERS are your friggin’ responsibility!!  It isn’t the world’s obligation to tiptoe around your cupcake ass!

“If the TRUTH makes you uncomfortable, don’t blame the TRUTH… 

blame the LIE, that made you comfortable.”

Need to have that one framed and put over my desk.

That one is pretty neat…I had no idea.

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss”, I assume that means they didn’t really do anything at all and are just taking the credit for it.

And that my friends is that for today.  I hope you all had as much fun as I did.  May your days be filled with love and happiness with the ones you are closest to.  Hug them and take the opportunity to tell them what they mean to you.  Until we meet again.

So, it’s Friday, you haven’t even read Saturday’s issue yet and I’m starting on Monday’s.  Now, mind you, it’s LATE on Friday night, but Izzy and I have got plans for Sunday, so this issue must be done no later than Saturday or you guys don’t get an issue on Monday. 

See, Sunday is Mother’s Day and both Izzy Dragon and I DO NOT want to be overly burdened with reminders of that, therefore, we will be doing a … 

I have recently found out that my little dragon has never seen any of the Lord of the Ring movies nor read any of the books.  So, Sunday I am going to drown her in it.  It should be lots of fun.

Anyway, let’s get some laughter started and we’ll do some talking as we go along.

One minute you’re 21, staying up all night drinking beer, eating pizza and doing sketchy stuff just for fun. 

THEN… in a blink of an eye you’re 60, drinking water, eating kale, and you can’t do any sketchy stuff, because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up … that’s a squat, right?

Sometimes actions shots are the best.

You know you’re getting older when a recliner and a heating pad is your idea of a hot date.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.  I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening in!  
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

John is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. 

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

“I’m off to work.  See you this evening when I get home!”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

I got a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn’t understand me.  I told him to press 1 for English.

I’m not much on seizing the day.  I just kinda poke it with a stick.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, “I shouldn’t be telling you this…”

Okay, so not much to write about in between the humor, but I did get it done in time for Izzy Dragon and mine’s movie marathon.  May your weekend be as good as mine hopes to be.  Love and happiness to you and yours.