Sunday afternoon, relaxing, re-watching The Chosen season 5, and spending time with you, my family.

Izzy is upstairs taking a nap, Pepper is upstairs with her, also napping, Willow is in her bed doing … guess what? 

You got it! 

Napping! 

So it’s just you, me, and the Chosen.  All the females in this house are asleep.  Being the only male in the house, you would think, would have its privileges, but alas, I have none. But there are times, such as now, when all the house is quiet, and I am at peace, doing what I want, that it’s awfully nice around here.  So, whaddaya say we jump into the fun stuff?

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,

you’re going to have trouble with it.

Women’s restroom

Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas , TX

Yeah, I’m getting to the bottom of the pile, so some of them may be a little dated

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, 
you must understand him a lot 
and love him a little.

 

To be happy with a woman, 
you must love her a lot and 
not try to understand her at all.

If I could interrupt this broadcast for just a moment for a special thank you.

As you know, towards the end of August I begin my annual ask for donations to cover my yearly expenses.  The only time during the year that I ask.  My bit is that I’ll know that what I’m doing is still worthwhile if I get enough donations to cover my expenses for the year.  If I don’t, then I know it’s time to wrap it up and try something different.  Anyway, that’s the quick background.

Pop Smith recently asked me about that and I told him and he made a very generous donation early. 

You know my habit is to recognize the donor, but not the amount because I believe that every donation is from the heart and friends and family give what they can.  Doesn’t matter how much.  Go read about the Widow’s mite if you want to read a wonderful story about giving.

Thank you Pop.  Your generosity is deeply appreciated.

Now, back to our laffter. 

Okay, pay attention.  THE WORST TIME EVER ON EARTH.  EVER!  If you are not prepared to be gone in the Rapture, which could possibly happen at ANYTIME, you better GET THAT WAY! Soon.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programing.

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. 

He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. 

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, “Gee, dad, he doesn’t recognize me.”

And drugs.  Don’t forget drugs.

So, we got our first submissions for this category and they both come from Stephen B.

A Truck Driver’s Duty

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. 

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. 

Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything.

He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”

But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”

Driving Test

My wife was upset when she told me she had failed her driving test.
I said, “Oh no, what did they pull you up on?”

My wife replied, “A rope. The car’s still in the canal.”

I’ve heard so many different variations of this joke it’s incredible.  

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.” Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE. 

Painting a turtle’s shell isn’t harmless; it’s a silent form of cruelty. 

Its shell is alive, full of nerves and blood vessels. Through it, it breathes, regulates its temperature, and senses. Covering it with paint blocks its ability to absorb sunlight, essential for its metabolism and bone development. It also prevents it from naturally eliminating bacteria and fungi. Many die slowly from infections or poisoning. 

It’s not art. It’s suffering. And often, a torture that ends in silence.

I have to say, I had no idea!  Of course, when I showed it to Izzy, she knew exactly what it was.  What a smart kid I have.

Okay, admit it.  As soon as you saw this photo, you could smell it.  I know I could!

I laughed SO HARD at some of these next ones.  This is well worth the click.  

Thanks to Stephanie for sending this one in.

In every relationship there is a person who loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and the other who loads it like a one-armed raccoon on meth.

And with that bit of insane wisdom, we’ll close for today.  Since I’ve gotten some updates, let’s do this:

And my good friend Jonathon writes to me and says: