Good Morning Campers,

Although Thanksgiving has passed by the time you read this I hope you all had a wonderful day.  The Whelpling, Mrs. Whelpling, and the three dragonettes came over and we had a great feast.  It was a good day overall.

I don’t really have much else to talk about this Friday evening, so let’s just get some laughing in.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”  This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.  I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

It shouldn’t be called payday…

…it should be called “Exchange Day.”  They give it to me, and I give it to everyone else.

Sometimes, I wonder why I’m broke.  Then I walk into the supermarket to get milk and spend $150 … and forget the milk.  And it all makes sense.

I’m at the age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my sense of humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Okay….and?  As long as he wasn’t one of the ones involved in the care of that patient, I don’t see the problem.  If he was involved in the care, than that’s cheating.  Which is a capital offense in Vegas…unless you work for the house.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than “fuck”.

 

No wonder spiders are so damn hard to kill.

Okay, this next one makes a REALLY good point:

I’m so old…
That I’ve actually dialed a rotary phone before, while listening to an 8 track, next to a black & white TV with aluminum foil on top of its rabbit ear antennas!

That’s not really that surprising to me.

And people wonder why Rome fell.

Keep looking…you’ll figure it out.

Looking at inspirational quotes to feel better is like looking at a treadmill to lose weight.

Challenge – Accepted!

 

Pain is relative – Other people really don’t understand pain.  On days where I feel “okay” those other people couldn’t get out of bed. 

 

I’ve felt that way before. 

Hi ya neighbors,

Can I just ask everyone a huge favour?

Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights outside your homes, please can you avoid anything blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it’s the police and have a mild panic attack. I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, shove my bottle of wine under the seat and swallow my joint! It’s a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.

Thank You

And that doesn’t surprise me one bit.

I offered to write some cards for Hallmark.

They said I’m the reason people need cards.

I can understand that.  On Thanksgiving, my 7 year-old grand daughter asked to play a game on my tablet, I said sure and handed it to her cause I was busy with other things.  It wasn’t until I saw her watching a kids movie on Netflix that I realized, I didn’t have Netflix on my tablet, I didn’t give her my password, or use my finger print, and no one else knows my password.

My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

Well crap!  If that’s the case, I should be writing best selling novels!

It’s been a long time coming.  The gratitude to first responders hasn’t been this high since 9-11 … and it should be!

Dear Family:
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me.
If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00, NOT 2:15, NOT 2:05.  Two (2:00). Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil  used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things, then paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good.  Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me.  I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at  me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over.  Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think  staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things! I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In  memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma.

7 years!?  On a piss study?!

I finally did it!  I bought a pair of shoes with Memory Foam insoles.  Now, no more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman  commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

“So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM.

As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentleman stepped up and asked him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
“I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us.”
The guy asks, “What were you doing during the earthquake?”
“Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening.”
“Is that right? And, what did your wife think about it?”
Morris said, “Well, it damn near woke her up!”

Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?” Woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf. Whom shall I say is calling?”

A woman goes to see her female doctor. She asks, “My husband want intense sex all day. What can I give him?” The doctor, after thinking about this, smiles warmly, and say, “My number.”

Flying to San Francisco from San Diego the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, up front there are 17 University of San Diego girls going to San Francisco for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty. “What would you do?”

My friends, I wish you peace, love, and health, blah, blah, blah…screw that!

I wish you lots of sex, booze, orgasms, and hope you win the lottery!

Mrs. Dragon: Having a husband is great because I always have someone to gossip to and he won’t tell a single soul because he wasn’t actually listening in the first place.

Impish Dragon: Huh?

Big girls don’t cry…they pop a couple of Xanax, wash it down with vodka, and set your car on fire.

Ginny: “I just checked my bank account and it said, ‘Return everything you just bought except the hooker heels…you’re gonna need those.’”

Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion.

Get excited.

I look both ways before crossing a one=way street.

That’s how little faith I have in humanity.

Dude, you should have been listening way earlier.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you have a great weekend.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon