Dragon Laffs #1610


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My Dear Campers,

I owe you an explanation as to what happened last Saturday.  It’s been a rough two weeks.  Let me give you a fast rundown.

You know that Mrs. Dragon’s been sick.  That hasn’t changed.  Not worse, but not really better anyway, so put that as a 40 lb. weight on my back.

We had a HUGE exercise at work.  That was a big deal for my office since my boss was running the exercise, which left me running everything else and participating in the exercise.  16 hour days for most of the week.  Let’s call that a 30 lb. weight added to the pack on my back.

Monday, I get a call from the fraud department of my bank.  Seems I have an unauthorized charge come through … enough that I had to cancel my debit card…causing a few other things to bounce.  I got them to pay the other things and to take back the insufficient funds charges (don’t even get me started on how a bank can charge money to your account because you have no money in your account) but until the company (PayPal) refunds the money, I can’t get another debit card.  All my bills are paid on line with … you guessed it, my debit card.  I could work around that by using my checking account but the pain in the ass of changing all the protocols with all the utilities and such …. well, let’s call that another twenty pounds added to the 70 lbs. already there.

So, sigh with relief, since what else could possibly go wrong.  Right?  Wrong.

My 12 year old (PAID FOR) car decides now is a good time to act out like a spoiled teenager.  I’ve dealt with 12 year old children before, so I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me, and I worked it out with a bunch of sweat, both of the skull kind and the physical kind, but that added another 10 lbs. and we’re well into triple digit stress on my back.

This time of year, without real careful care and lots of work, my yard becomes a jungle in short order.  I just HAD to make time to mow, weed-eat, things of that nature.  You already know what’s coming, mower quit, the ride on one, so a couple more lbs. but I could use the push mower and at least get the front done so the local city employees who really should have something better to do, but apparently don’t, didn’t send me a warning notice of not maintaining my domicile in a proper healthy and respectable manner. 

Guess what else didn’t work?

Yup, the small mower. 

I’d swear there is an evil spirit out to get me, since the car and both mowers worked just fine within the last day to week. 

Those last couple of pounds just about did me in, campers.  Truly and completely. 

I’ve put up so many prayers over the last few months for so many different people, including some very special campers here today, and God has blessed every one of them and I just kept telling myself that God has NEVER let my family fail.  He has ALWAYS provided for us and we’ve always found a way to get by.  It’s never been easy by any stretch of the imagination, but these last few months have been the hardest I’ve ever had to work through.  Medical bills are overwhelming, health issues, monetary issues, work issues, it’s hard.  Really hard.

But the love of friends and family (and campers are counted in that group) and the strength of knowing God is watching over us, has seen us through so far.  You know, we go day by day and sometimes hour by hour, but I’m still standing.  And for the little things, we celebrate and we laugh and we flip the bird to the demons and devils, some of them in human form, who cast boulders on our path and we say to all of life’s bullshit…

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4457

An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.” So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asks. “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread,” comes the reply. So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. “How was your meal today, sir?” the manager asks. “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread,” comes the reply. So … the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asks, when he comes to pay. “Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread,” comes the reply once again. The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: “How was your meal TODAY, sir?” The old man replies: “It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!”

4458

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.  As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.  “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

4459

Why does this warning label really not surprise me?

 

An Angel visited a woman and told her that, in order to get to Heaven, she needed to give up smoking, drinking and premarital sex.

The woman said she would try her best.
The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
“Not bad,” said the woman. “I’ve given up smoking and drinking, but I admit I’ve had trouble with the premarital sex thing.

 

“Oh? What happened?” said the Angel.

 

The woman said, “Well, things had gone well for about three weeks. But then I bent over to look in the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of me. He looked at my long slender legs in high heels, and couldn’t resist pulling up my skirt and making love to me doggie-style, right then and there.”
“Uh, oh. They don’t like that in Heaven,” said the Angel.
The woman replied: “They’re not crazy about it at Costco either!”

4461

What did the mothers of eminent people say?
~
PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”
MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”
COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”
MICHELANGELO’ S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me..”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…. ?”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” “Oh George, you never did have a head for money.”
THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”
MRS. MORSE: “Sam, stop tapping your fingers on the table, it’s driving me crazy!”
MRS. ARMSTRONG: “Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon.”

4462

WHATEVER GAS COSTS IT SURE BEATS WALKING. WELL , VERY FAR ANYWAY.

YOU THINK GASOLINE IS EXPENSIVE
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.
You will be really shocked by the last one (at least, I was)!!!
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things into perspective.
$Diet Snapple, 16 oz , $1.29 … $10.32 per gallon!
$Starbuck’s Reg. Coffee 16 oz, $2.10… $16.80 per gallon!
$Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz , $1.19 … $9.52 per gallon!
$Gatorade, 20 oz , $1.59 …. $10.17 per gallon!
$Ocean Spray, 16 oz , $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!
$Brake Fluid, 12 oz , $3.15 …. $33.60 per gallon!
$Vick’s NyQuil, 6 oz , $8.35 … $178.13 per gallon!
$Pepto Bismol, 4 oz, $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!
$Whiteout, 7 oz , $1.39 …….. $25.42 per gallon!
$Scope, 1.5 oz , $0.99 ….$84.48 per gallon!

And this is the REAL KICKER.

$Evian water, 9 oz , $1.49 ..$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for a gallon of WATER!!
and the buyers don’t even know the source!!
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? 
So they can hook you for the ink. 
Someone calculated the cost of the ink; you won’t believe it but it’s true:   $5,200 a gal.

$5,200 A GALLON!!!
So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, NyQuil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!

4463

If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen noodles, it tastes exactly like poverty.

That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever read.

4464

You had one job…

I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

4465

I’m not sure whether I need a nap, more coffee, or an exorcism.

4466

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

(Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.)

*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*
*What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*
*Here’s her story in her own words:*

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in “The Villages” with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

4467

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

4468

 

When I’m bored, I call a random number, say this, and hang up:  “It’s done.  I hid the body…Headed your way.  Got you on GPS.  You better have my money.”

4469

Catholic Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?

4470

We all know someone like this:

I’m not sure where you learned to whisper, but I’m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by fucking chainsaws.

4471

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.  He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger and asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up?  How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

4472

 

Who’s guilty here?

A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, “Quick!  My husband is home!”
Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

 

4473

 

I definitely going to use this one:

I would slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

 

4474

 

A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply,”Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

 

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”

Once again … don’t mess with seniors.

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That really doesn’t surprise me at all.

I do truly hope you all got a chuckle, a laugh or a smile out of today’s issue.  Be well until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1610

  1. Leah D says:

    I urge you to ask for a protected species classification. Now it won’t stop all the demons from terrorizing you, but you will get great satisfaction when they are prosecuted for doing so!
    At least you know you will be going to Heaven, because you already went through hell.
    Seriously, it is hard to understand why you have been dealt with so much.
    That bank fraud is a killer, been there dealt with that.
    I suppose wishing you a Happy Father’s Day is futile?
    Thank you for putting all your troubles aside just to give us a laugh. I print pages of jokes and cartoons and send to my grandson, and his room mates ate the jail, so they thank you too.

  2. Rodney says:

    Glad you posted the gas price comparisons. I may be wrong, but I think the commodity prices might be rather old, so the per gallon prices are probably a lot higher today. And did anybody ever consider printer ink? About 1/2 ounce of ink at, say, $28.95 = $7700.70. ($9408.75 up here in Canada – our gallon is bigger)

  3. Steve from Prescott says:

    Thanks for taking the time to make me smile. So sorry for your troubles.I hope the rest of this year goes your way.

  4. Ginny. says:

    This issue was the best you have ever put out on Dragon Laffs! Your personal problems would have made the strongest man buckle at the knees…..and say “Dear Compers” SORRY NO CAN DO AN ISSUE TODAY. We go along are way and sometimes forget you have a life and making us laugh is not your only mission in life.

    I put a call into GOD-1000 just for you to lighten your load and watch over you and your family.

    Thank you for all that you do to bring smiles and giggles to all of us.

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