I’m dashing this off Friday 8/25 well ahead of my posting deadline in anticipation of problems. So while that is a picture of flooding in Houston it is not one from the present time. As of this writing only time will tell how bad our situation becomes.

Already today I have had numerous well wishes and offers of prayers ahead of Harvey’s arrival in my Inbox as well as the blog comments. To those folks I say, many thanks. We’re going to need all the well wishes luck and prayers we can get I fear as the expected rainfall accumulation totals seem to be climbing higher with each new update. I would add that since my comments posted in the blog we have managed to obtain a supply of bottled water. Molly brilliantly thought of a place where nobody would immediately think of going and luckily, they did indeed still have some.

I will try to keep you all updated as to what is going on, but that may well come via Impish.

Huh? What was that? You’re kidding right? Aren’t you over that shtick yet? OK! OK! SIGH!

Let me rephrase that last line before I got interrupted-

“I will try to keep you all updated as to what is going on, but that may well come via Impish”… of Borg.

While I remember and have the chance, a minor housekeeping issue:

Impish will be presenting the Labor Day issue this year not me and you can probably expect to see that on Saturday unless I miss my guess.

Since I need to do this as quickly as possible please excuse me if the issue isn’t up to my usual high standards.

Some of you cautioned Impish to take it slow and easy and not overdo things with his recovery. As you can see here we are trying to restrain him and slow him down.  We keep telling him resistance is futile but he keeps hollering that’s his line now! Why isn’t anything ever easy anymore?

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Local MP who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS – Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

I think Mikey likes that last one.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock ‘n roll gospel choir you brought in was another good idea. We are packed into the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot n’ Tell or Go To Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

3 Blonds decided to go for walk in the woods.

Being blond they got lost. They then decided that the best way to find their way back home, was to find some animal tracks. So they could follow them to some water then follow the water to the river and then back to town. Simple right?

But NO you forgot they’re blond. So they looked and looked and finally found some tracks.

The First Blond yells “we’re saved.”

The other two ask her what is she yelling about. So she shows them the tracks and says all we have to do is follow these rabbit track and they will Lead us to a babbling brook, then we follow that to a creek, then follow that to a stream, then to the river and then follow that back into town.

The second blond says are you crazy they aren’t rabbit tracks these are lion tracks if we follow them it will lead us to his lion’s den and he will eat us.

The Third blond says to the second your crazy these aren’t lion tracks they are bear tracks if we follow them it will lead us to his cave and he will eat us. That started a heated argument it went on and on. They were still arguing when they were hit and killed by the train.

3 Georgia ladies went on vacation.

1 went to California

1 went to Florida

1 went to Texas.

When they got back they were telling each other about there trip.

(best said in an southern type Georgian accent)

The one that went to California was saying out there they have men who kiss men on the lips. They call them queers.

The one who went to Florida said well down in Florida they have women who kiss women on their lips they call them lesbians.

The one that went to Texas said “That’s nothing. Down in Texas they have men who kiss women on their private parts.”

They both were shocked at that, and ask what do they call them.

The third lady said I don’t know but when he got through I called him “Precious”

SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says,

“Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

“Is it mine?”

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about? Bambi pondered the question then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the

Delaware.”

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

“I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

A BOY AND HIS FROG

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,

“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,

I’ll stay with you and do Anything you want.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do Anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

Ut-oh! I know that look! That last one landed me in hot (flood?) water!

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son

“Go get your mother.”

I’m all for gender equality. That having been said, I do sometimes think it get taken to extremes for the sake of Political Correctness. I will admit that I think I’m a fan of Iron Woman however.

And I can get behind Super Girl

On the other hand I’m not so much a fan of the female Japanese version of KISS.

OK I have run out of time for the issue as our A/C just started leaking condensate everywhere and maintenance is supposed to be on the way.

I’m going to post it as is and set it to auto post for Wednesday like normal. If/when I have time, internet and power I may come back to it or at least append it with a brief update on how we’re doing.

Mean while I’m going to try and…