It’s the Easter weekend!
But, I’m really not sure how happy I’m supposed to be. You might be wondering why I’m talking to you from a remote location, well, I’m still in my hidden bunker, trying to stay away from the Ninja Kitties who seem to want to play with me, chase me, or eat me! That’s when they’re not cuddled up and trying to sleep on me. You might remember from Wednesday’s issue, that I’ve been turned into a pink bunny rabbit so that I can take over the regular Easter Bunny’s route. At least as far as the DL&LL Campuses are concerned.
Let’s review from Wednesday, shall we? As you may remember, Marvin the Martian was confronting me about not apologizing to him for saying he wasn’t a Martian. And now I’m in trouble twice….well… let’s just read along.
Marvin is not going to make me go all over the planet delivering Easter Eggs, but I do have to set up the DL&LL Enterprises Annual Easter Egg Hunt on the grounds of the Resort. All the kids of our employees, patrons, friends, mythological acquaintances, etc. will be there. It’s usually great fun and I get to find all the eggs that the kids can’t…usually…this year, I guess I’m not allowed to do that. But, supposedly, there will be a special egg at the end for me.
I will make damn sure that the guy who does our signage this year will do a much better job. I sure am glad that I didn’t know Lethal then. Can you imagine how he would have reacted to that sign?
I can only imagine…but I’d probably be pulling Easter Eggs out of my butt for the next 12 months!
So, while I get as much done as I can here in my shelter before the Hunt begins, why don’t you guys get started on the rest of the issue…
To get to the program, you can click the picture above or follow the link here: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion/ I know you’ll enjoy it. I did.
Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like INSUFFUCIENT FUNDS!
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
Then a large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” – and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied,”No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed…. I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again, Christian.”
Lethal also sent me a Groaner that he wanted to be sure I used. He said it was much better than the usual Groaners I put out. So, I’ll ask you to read this next joke, compare it to the one above and tell me which one you think is better.
Why don’t Easter Eggs Like Jokes?
They’re scared of cracking up.
I do like my Easter pictures from when I was a kid.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try to sell this to me.”
So, I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my cell-phone and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I said, “$200, and it’s yours.”
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”
You remember last week when I showed you the spectacular dominoes fall in the triple level spiral? Well, here’s a world record breaker.
While I’ve been hiding out in my bunker, there’ve been a bunch of things that I’ve heard or read or found that I wanted to share with you guys. This is the first one. Have you ever heard of the Museum of Banned Toys?
Here’s there header:
Welcome to the Banned Toy Museum. Our goal is to entertain and to educate.
Then we jump right into the Top 10 Banned Toys…I’d really like to know what judging criteria was used.
10.Spanish BarbieIn 1999, fans of this popular fashion doll were very upset that she was wearing a matador’s costume – usually worn when bulls are ritually killed in a bullring as a public spectacle.
Barbie fans, including actress Alicia Silverstone, wrote letters to Mattel asking that they discontinue the toy.
|Click here for LARGER picture||9. Air Pirates ComicThe underground comic, Air Pirates Funnies, was created by a group of San Francisco based cartoonists in 1971. The comic portrayed Disney characters engaging in VERY adult behavior. Disney sued, alleging copyright infringement.
In 1978, the Ninth Circuit ruled against the Air Pirates.
|Click here for LARGER picture||8. Snacktime Kid Cabbage Patch DollThe Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids featured battery-powered mechanical jaws. Armed with “real chewing action” this toy kept chewing, even when kids got their hair and fingers caught in the doll’s mouth. Mattel recalled them in 1997.|
|Click here for LARGER picture||7. ClackersClackers, also known as Knockers and Click Clacks, consisted of two large acrylic balls, which hung on either end of a heavy string. The two balls would swing apart and together, making the loud clacking noise that gave the toy its name. If swung too hard, the acrylic balls would shatter, sending flying shrapnel everywhere.
Clackers were banned in 1985.
|Click here for LARGER picture||6. Belt Buckle GunIn 1959, Mattel introduced the
Belt Buckle Derringer Toy Gun.
To unsuspecting badguys, this unique belt buckle looked harmless. But when the user extended his stomach, the gun swung out, firing a toy bullet and a cap.
Unfortunately, the caps could be accidentally ignited by friction and cause serious burns.
|5. Sky DancersSky Dancers were a Barbie inspired helicopter-like flying toy. Placed on a mechanical base, once the cord was pulled, the Sky Dancer would twirl high into the sky.
The hard plastic Sky Dancer’s propeller-like wings flew rapidly in unpredictable directions, hitting users and causing temporary blindness, broken teeth, face lacerations, and one mild concussion.
Galoob recalled almost 9 million Sky Dancers in 2000.
These I remember. Had a little girls party one year and this was the rage at the time. I think we sent 4 fathers and 3 mothers to the Emergency Room. Also, one pet dog to the vet.
|Click here for LARGER picture||4. Battlestar Galactica
Missile LauncherRed missles, about 1 1/4″ long, created for the 1979 Battlestar Galactica toys, were just about the perfect size to lodge in a child’s throat.
Before the missle recall, Mattel added stickers to the toys warning “do not put or fire red missiles into mouth or towards face.”
|Click here for LARGER picture||3. Yo-Yo Water
BallsIllinois, New Jersey and New York have all banned the Yo-Yo Water ball. The Yo-Yo Water ball is made of flammable diesel hydrocarbons.
The stretchy, sticky cord can wrap around a child’s neck, causing strangulation.
|Click here for LARGER picture||2. Lawn DartsHeavily weighted and solid metal, Lawn Darts can pierce whatever they strike! Lawn darts have been responsible for over 7,000 injuries. On December 19, 1988, the Consumer Product Safety Commission banned lawn darts from sale in the United States.
I honestly don’t think there is anyone out there who would question why these guys were put on the banned list.
|Click here for LARGER picture||1. Atomic Energy
LaboratoryIn 1951, A.C. Gilbert, inventor of the ERECTOR set, released the U-238 Atomic Energy Lab. Using real radioactive materials, one could witness mist trails created by particles of ionizing radiation.
The set included four Uranium-bearing ore samples, and originally sold for $49.50.
Knowing what I know now, and doing what I do for a living now, it scares the hell out of me to think that these kits were being sold to children.
So, how many of them did you recognize?
I’m not telling exactly who posed for this picture.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
He said “No!”, trying to hide his arousal.
She said ….. “Check the garage.” Okay, okay….hang on here! I just found this on line! Check it out! It’s in Houston. A 500 sq. ft. studio apartment goes for $1800 a month. The swimming pool is 500 feet up in the air. It’s friggin’ Keebler Towers! (They call it Market Square Tower, but I’m not fooled!) It’s got to be! Lethal Leprechaun’s home away from home! I’m sure he’s in the Penthouse (at $18,715 a month) but as the owner, he stays there free!
Yes, I know it’s an old one, but it’s still funny
Okay, so I really need an adults only warning on this issue. I’ll go back and …hey…did you guys here that?
Of course not. You’re reading this one Saturday…
What the hell is that noise?
I gotta check it out. I’ll be right back.
Hi and Happy Easter everyone, Terrance here. I’m the one who sent out the message early this morning when I couldn’t find Impish Bunny…or …. um Dragon… Impish Dragon. I just found this posting here and thought I’d put it out. No one seems to know where Impish is or what’s happened to him. As you can see from his last entry, so thing caught his attention and …
Do you hear screaming?
Oh my Terrible Trolls, the EASTER EGG HUNT! Impish was supposed to set it up and the kids will FREAK and tear this place apart if there isn’t ….
Quick, come with me!
Oh my Horrible Hogwarts! Look at that! Run kids! Run!
Look! The Giant Bunny Statue that Marvin left, has Impish in its mouth by the cheek and Impish is standing on … or maybe even defending that Giant Egg!!!
Who’s that!! Could it be? Is it? Yes, it’s the REAL Easter Bunny and he’s pissed!
Screaming, shouting, rending of flesh…
Scales fly, fur flies, pink cloth flies…
Eggs are thrown (carefully and right into the little kids baskets)
Candy comes crashing to earth (easily, and into little hands and little waiting paws)
Blood is flying EVERYWHERE (but you taste it and it’s actually cherry juice)
And after a huge explosion (a really big puff of smoke)
I hope you all enjoyed our little playhouse production that we put on for you. And I know that you all know exactly what day it ended and we took our bows, but does anyone remember what day it all started?
April Fools Day!
This has been a lot of fun, and kind of silly, but from all of us at DL&LL to all of your, our loved ones, family and friends, may you have a wonderfully happy Easter, filled with joy and the blessings of God washed upon you.
Cheers and Be Well, until we meet again!