Good Morning Campers,
It’s been a very long, very hard week. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m really ready. So, without any further ado…
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Speaking of cows, this is either a new twist on an old joke or an old twist on a new joke. I’m not really sure. And that’s because my head really isn’t in the game today, but let’s have fun anyway, shall we?
Bud the Montana Cowboy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know shit about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
And I’m said to say that it probably isn’t going to get any better any time soon. Even with the right person (of the two we had to choose from) in office, and a majority in both houses, there are still way too many people in charge who have no idea how REAL people live, what our problems are, what we need….etc. But, we can always hope. Or move to a cave, some where.
One of my brothers, Rodney Red, got this cool gig posing for this travel agency. He is now the poster child for Dragon Mountain. It’s a pretty good gig. Keeps him out of trouble.
I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden…
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I always just look at my Weather Bug app on my phone, change the location to Sweden, check the weather and then I know if I have to put on my headlights or not.
Did you know that Google Maps just celebrated its 11th birthday? This YouTube video is comprised of 3,305 screenshots from Google Earth. It looks like a sped-up helicopter tour of our beautiful planet. Is your favorite city included in the roundup? Watch for a magnificent view of several international landmarks.
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Which of the following most closely matches your answer?
- Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
- What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
- Does the man look poor or oppressed?
- Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
- Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
- Could we run away?
- What does my wife think?
- What about the kids?
- Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
- What does the law say about this situation?
- Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
- Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
- Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
- Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
- If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
- Should I call 9-1-1?
- Why is this street so deserted?
- We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
- Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
- I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
- This is all so confusing!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’ ‘Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!
This is an old joke that has been around for a long time…but it is funny as hell, and if you have never seen it, then you are in for a treat.
The following is an actual bonus question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid–term, and an actual answer turned in by an exceptional young man. The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat).Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. We need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not ever leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions in the world today. Most religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Louise during my Freshman year that ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…..leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Louise kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’This student received an A+.
And here’s a great golf joke especially for my dad.
Golfing in Heaven
“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
“Just act surprised and tell them you didn’t think that they were old enough to remember them.”
Does it surprise anybody that the boat is based out of Jersey?
There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together.
You are going to hate yourself after this one…or you’re going to hate me, one or the other.
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
That’s it for today my friends..