Ladies, Gentleman and the rest of you Androgynous/Gender Identity Challenged rabble-
A few brief (hopefully but I doubt it) remarks from the founder of DragonLaffs- Impish Dragon.
TO: L. Leprechaun
FROM: I. Dragon/T.T.
DATE: 20 Nov. 2016
RE: Annual Thanksgiving Message of DIC/DATMR
Dear Mr. Leprechaun,
I was going to give this year’s Thanksgiving Day
rant message in person, but I don’t think I would be able to handle it live. I’m so distressed about not having real turkey and real dressing and real potatoes and real cornbread and real yeast rolls and real pies, like apple and pumpkin and Dutch apple and pecan and real cookies and real turkey and real gravy and real turkey and real candied yams and real turkey and … and … and I just can’t go on!
Okay, I’m back (sniff!). Anyway, attached is a recording that I made with a little help from Terrance (A LITTLE HELP! Ha! -T.T.). It’s not very long, but it took me almost 16 hours to get it right. (It took 4 hours. 4 AGONIZING hours! – T.T.) I just had to keep stopping and composing myself. (I mostly let the video run so you’re going to get a little bit more than His Lizardship intended. – T.T.).
So, you asked for my Thanksgiving Day message and here it is. Please play the video for all the wonderful campers eating MREs. MREs! Oh Lord! I need to go to my room and have a good cry!
Ambassador Impish Dragon
(Lethal, I edited out the blank spots when he was in the corner crying like a baby human. I hope it turns out alright. Happy Thanksgiving, sir! – Terrance Troll)
As the video opens, Impish is sitting on a stool shuffling through a sheaf of papers in his hand. He looks off stage and remarks, “Terrance! I haven’t got all day! Are you almost ready? Let’s get a move on!”
You hear off camera, “Just a minute, boss.” His words come through crystal clear and you realize that Terrance Troll must also be wearing a microphone. He continues, “You want this to be perfect, don’t you?” Then, very faintly, you hear, (“A perfect pain in my ass!”) and realize you are hearing Terrance’s mumbles. Or would they be grumbles?
“What was that?”
“Nothing boss. Alright here we go! Lights! Camera! Action!”
“Okay…um…is the camera running now?”
“Yes…that is what is meant when I say ‘Camera’.”
“Well, don’t we need to start over because I just asked if the camera was rolling?”
“I’ll edit that part out.”
“Okay, so give it to me again and we can start.”
“Um…give you what again?”
“You know…” Impish puts one hand closed into a fist up to his eye and winds his other hand next to his head so he looks like he’s using an old fashioned movie camera.
“Oh. Well, the camera is still rolling so start when you’re ready.”
“No. No. I need you to say it.”
“You know…IT! Like you did before.”
“Oh, you mean lights, camera, action.”
“Right. Go ahead and say it.”
“I just did.”
“No, no. With feeling, like you did the first time.”
(“I’ve got something that will give you some feeling!”) “Okay, Lights, Camera, Action.”
Good Morning Campers and a Happy Thanksgiving to you all! (although I can’t imagine how it will be a ‘Happy’ Thanksgiving with no turkey). Today is the day that we remember all the things that we are thankful for. (Like Turkey! ) And we have an awful lot to be thankful for this year. (Dressing or Stuffing.) Some of it may not be very obvious (like the obviously missing Turkey!) and some of it is so obvious, you may not have noticed because it’s staring you right in the face! (I’m NOT thankful for the missing turkey. And that’s obviously staring me right in the face.)
As he shuffles his papers, clears his throat you realize that you are not only getting his speech, but you’re also getting HIS mumbles. Mumbles that he may not even realize he’s saying and definitely something he would’ve made sure Terrance edited out.
As Impish Dragon continues, you realize this could be a lot of fun.
What is it that we should be thankful for? Let’s start with some easy ones.
Those of you at home, experiencing this issue at Thanksgiving time, can be thankful that you have your family around you while you eat your golden, succulent, perfectly cooked (sputter! Drool…) Turkey. A turkey that is deliciously cooked just for you. A turkey that is …..
Impish Dragon bursts into tears and runs off camera! Since he is still miked-up you hear him plan as day as he runs away. “Why‼?? Why is he doing this to me‼??”
His words are coming fast and his crying is making it difficult to understand, but you are getting most of it.
“I …I thought maybe he was fooling me. I… I thought he was … just making me squirm a little, paying me back for finally winning at Thanksgiving last year…”
A HUGE sob racks the dragon.
“But I’ve looked EVERYWHERE‼! He sent most of the kitchen staff home…HOME‼! Like it’s not even important enough to have someone here to cook me food! I searched this mountain from top to bottom. Well, almost. I didn’t go to THAT floor, but he couldn’t cook there anyway because all the cooks would be …. Um … eaten or dead or captured or tortured or… whatever it is that they do down there.”
You can almost hear the shudder in the dragon’s voice.
“Ugh! No, they wouldn’t … they COULDN’T be down there. I searched the resort mountain. Every nook and cranny. I know where every nook and cranny is. It’s not possible they are there. AND I searched every town within 300 miles. I would’ve sniffed out if ANYONE were cooking that many turkeys…we normally cook hundreds of them! … I would’ve found them!”
(I would’ve cut this off and gone after him to bring him back to continue with this ‘message’ but, honestly Mr. Leprechaun, I was laughing so hard I was unable to move. But you’ll hear in a minute me bringing him back to the production. – T.T.)
The view switches to a small camera that is moving down the hallway. The view is reminiscent of the cop videos you’ve seen on TV and realize that Terrance must be wearing a body-cam.
“Hey come on (snicker) boss. Let’s (snort) get your message (giggle) finished. It’s a (chortle) Tradition!”
As he rounds the final corner and enters into Impish Dragon’s office, the camera picks up the dragon in the corner of the room clutching a small brown Teddy Bear and rocking back and forth with big round tears rolling down his scaly cheeks.
“Aww (giggle) come on, Impish. You need to be (snort) strong and finish this up. Show him that you’re better (giggle) than this. Now, put Teddy down, I’m sure he doesn’t want to be crushed by your big, strong claws. (snort)”
As Terrance pulls the Teddy Bear away from Impish and sets it on the ground, the bear dusts himself off, turns to face Impish and in a loud voice says, “Oh come on! You big baby lizard! Grow a pair, would you!”
And he then turns to Terrance and says, “I expect a bonus in my damn check this payday! This was NEVER part of my job description!” He then stomps off and you hear him grumble, “Damn pussy dragons, I sure don’t get paid enough to put up with this fuc…”
After the slamming door cuts off the last of the pigmy bugbear’s words, Terrance turns back to Impish, “Right then. Let’s go!” And he pulls the dragon to his feet, at the same time Impish was standing up, which causes him to stumble into Terrance, and hitting the body-cam and the screen goes suddenly blank.
It lights back up a second later and we see a composed Impish Dragon, sitting behind his desk, taking a sip from a coffee cup with a warm smile on his face. (I slipped a little somethin’-somethin’ in his coffee…he should be…) Impish begins to speak.
My fellow campers, both here and abroad. I know there are some of you out there who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but you should never need an excuse to count your blessings and be thankful.
We should all be thankful for the world we have to live in. God, in all his glory has seen fit to give us a fabulous and wondrous world in which we get to delight in every day of our lives. Life is a miracle, from the smallest lizard to the most magnificent ancient dragon and everything in-between.
For us Americans, and for many of you other countries who have adopted our form of democratic republic, we should be thankful for living in a country where we are free to cast our vote for the representative of our choice, the freedom to speak our minds without worry of retribution, the freedom to worship how and when we choose.
We are thankful for the men and women who have raised their hands to promise to: “Defend the constitution from enemies both foreign and domestic” and who are standing between us and our families and loved ones and the evilness of the world which we all know is out there.
We are thankful for the food on our tables, no matter the type and a roof over our heads, no matter the size for we are SO much better off than so many others in the world who may not have either one of those things.
We are thankful for family, friends and loved ones. For brothers in arms who we would do anything for and have not the slightest doubt would do anything for us. Brothers….in heart and in spirit regardless of whether or not they were born of another mother. People we can turn to at any time and know that they will be there. Yes, I’m speaking of Lethal and a few others of you out there who know who you are.
We are thankful for friends, who have become like family and in some cases closer than family, and for the love they give to us unreservedly.
And we are thankful and hopeful that our future is beginning to look a little brighter and we hope and pray that, for all of us here today, that the coming weeks, months and years are glorious indeed!
May God Bless You And Hold You With Love In His Heart And Hold You With Safety And Well-Being In His Hands!
May you all have a truly Wonderful Thanksgiving!
Alright then! Sit back, get comfy and loosen all restrictive clothing folks because a lot like your tables tomorrow the issue is jamb packed to groaning and overflowing and nobody is leaving until there are no more leftovers!
October 3, 1863
By the President of the United States of America.
The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom. No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.
In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the United States to be affixed.
Done at the City of Washington, this Third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the United States the Eighty-eighth.
By the President: Abraham Lincoln
William H. Seward,
Secretary of State
SOME of us are not as enthused or eager as Impish to celebrate Thanksgiving every year for a myriad of reasons and rationales so here are a few reasons you can consider offering up if you find yourself in that boat.
Nothing is worse than the worst cook in the entire extended family laying claim to and insisting on hosting and cooking Thanksgiving every year. Arguably the most valid reason on the list!
I heard that! Equally as bad is the relative who secretly yearns to be a preacher that insists on a long winded rambling sermon of a blessing before the meal while all the food I killed myself getting to the table at the same time and hot sits rapidly cooling off.
Every year I have to restrain myself (abet with help from Molly and my MIL) from cracking a couple of necks to the overall benefit of humanity.
Hey! First of all she’s not my Aunt. Secondly, she shouldn’t come empty handed year after year packing a mouthful of smack to be talked about the cooking going on if she isn’t cruising for a gravy ladle shaped bruise in the middle of her unibrow forehead! Am I right?
There is a certain irrefutable logic to this one.
Once again a certain irrefutable logic prevails, especially if you’re a certain Dragon!
Best answer I ever heard to that one was- “6 months ago. You weren’t invited.”
So many good ones and so little time remaining before their expiration date!
Then there is always the house with 30 people crammed in it and a singe bathroom into which Uncle George disappeared over an hour ago with War & Peace under his arm.
No long lines during Thanksgiving Dinner!
Being as Friday is Black Friday and the start of the Christmas Shopping Season we interrupt this Thanksgiving issue to bring you this important consumer warning with an eye towards keeping your holiday season merry and safe.
And a late addition- Impish was to have sounded this recall warning on Saturday but failed to read his e-mail until after posting the issue. He’s blaming it on ‘turkey deprivation’ of all things.
New Amazon phishing scam spreading like wildfire!
One of the most effective tools for a cybercriminal is the phishing scam. This is when a scammer poses as a trustworthy entity and tries tricking you into clicking on a malicious link. Their ultimate goal is to steal your sensitive information such as credit card details, usernames and passwords.
Just in time for the holiday shopping season, a massive email phishing scam is making the rounds. You really need to watch out for this fake Amazon email.
What’s happening is people are getting emails claiming to be from Amazon, but they are actually from scammers. The email warns the recipient that there is a problem processing an order that they placed and that it will not be shipped.
It goes on to say you won’t be able to access your account or place orders with Amazon until your information is confirmed. Inside the email is a malicious link that takes you to a fake Amazon page where you need to confirm your information. It asks for your name, address and all of your credit card information.
Here is an example of what the email looks like:
The fake Amazon page is so sneaky that after the victim enters the sensitive information and clicks Save & Continue, it redirects to the real Amazon site. The scammer now has enough of the victim’s information to cause all kinds of financial damage.
Amazon has posted on its site a few steps you need to take if you receive one of these phishing emails. Here are those steps:
What you need to do
If you receive this or any other email that you believe is an Amazon phishing scam, the company wants you to report it. Here are the steps Amazon asks you to take:
- Do one of the following:
- Open a new email and attach the email you suspect is fake.
- Note: Sending this suspicious email as an attachment is the best way for Amazon to track it.
- If you can’t send the email as an attachment, you can forward it.
- Send the email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Note: Amazon can’t respond personally when you report a suspicious email to email@example.com, but you may receive an automatic confirmation. If you have security concerns about your account, please contact Amazon using the Contact Us button on the site.
How to avoid phishing scams
Here are some things you can do to help avoid falling victim to phishing scams:
- Be cautious with links – If you get an email or notification from a site that you find suspicious, don’t click on its links. It’s better to type the website’s address directly into a browser than clicking on a link. Before you ever click on a link, hover over it with your mouse to see where it is going to take you. If the destination isn’t what the link claims, do not click on it.
- Do an online search – If you get a notification that seems suspicious, you should do an online search on the topic. If it’s a scam, there are probably people online complaining about it and you can find more information.
- Watch for typos – Phishing scams are infamous for having typos. If you receive an email or notification from a reputable company, it should not contain typos.
- Use multi-level authentication – When available, you should be using multi-level authentication. This is when you have at least two forms of verification, such as a password and a security question before you log into any sensitive accounts.
- Have strong security software – Having strong protection on your family’s gadgets is very important. The best defense against digital threats is strong security software.
4C brand is very popular in the NE, I don’t know how far these products are dispersed, but the last thing you want at Thanksgiving is food poisoning!
4C Foods Corp. Voluntarily Recalls 4C Grated Cheese, Homestyle Grated Cheese, and Cento Grated Cheese Brands NET WT. 6 OZ Glass Jars Because of Possible Health Risk
For Immediate Release
November 15, 2016
4C Foods Corp.
4C Foods Corp. is voluntarily recalling 4C Grated Cheese, Homestyle Grated Cheese, and Cento Grated Cheese Brands due to possible contamination with Salmonella. Other 4C Foods products, including any other cheese products, are not impacted by this recall.
Salmonella is an organism that can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. Healthy persons infected with Salmonella often experience fever, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting and abdominal pain. In rare circumstances, infection with Salmonella can result in the organism getting into the bloodstream and producing more severe illnesses.
This recall was of a nationwide distribution and includes the following products, which were packed in 6 oz. vacuum-sealed glass jars, with BEST BY dates between November 12, 2016 and November 12, 2018 and packaged in cases of either 6 or 12 jars per case:
4C All Natural Parmesan Grated Cheese (UPC 41387-33126)
4C All Natural Parmesan/Romano Grated Cheese (UPC 41387-37126)
4C All Natural 100% Imported Italian Pecorino Romano Cheese (UPC 41387-77126)
4C HomeStyle All Natural Parmesan Grated Cheese (UPC 41387-32790)
4C HomeStyle All Natural Parmesan/Romano Grated Cheese (UPC 41387-11627)
4C HomeStyle All Natural 100% Imported Italian Pecorino Romano Cheese (UPC 41387-12302)
Cento Parmesan Grated Cheese (UPC 70796-90502)
Cento Romano Grated Cheese (UPC 70796-90501)
Although no illnesses have been reported, we are voluntarily recalling these products out of an abundance of caution after FDA testing revealed the issue.
Consumers are asked to return the product to the place of purchase for a full refund.
Retail stores and distributors are requested to immediately remove and discard any of the above items from the shelves and warehouses. 4C Foods Corp. will reach out to all retailers and distributors with additional information.
Please contact 4C Foods Corp. at 866-969-1920 Monday- Friday, 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM (Eastern Time), with any inquires.
This recall is being made with the knowledge of the US Food and Drug Administration.
We now return you to our previously scheduled issue.
Not a bad thing to do on your after dinner pre attack of the dessert table walk.
OK so maybe you’re one of those who like Thanksgiving and look forward to time time spent sharing food with your family and friends. Maybe your just like Impish and live for a sanctioned day when you can legally pig out until its about all you can do to lay on the couch or in your lazy boy with belt and pants undone and grunt like a contented piggy while watching the football rivalry of your choice through tryptophan sedated eyelids.
Maybe you’re not in a position to refuse being dragged along to the calamity that passes for Thanksgiving in your family (I think they call this condition Marriage &/or Child Living at Home Syndrome). For you folks we’ve a few survival tips to hopefully make the day a wee bit easier and more enjoyable for you.
OK, truth be told my mantra actually goes “Only once a year!… SIP! …Only once a year!” That ‘SIP! ‘ (of a heavily alcoholic beverage) makes all the difference in the world. Keep repeating your personal mantra and sipping the beverage of your choice until you start smiling and slurring your words. Repeat as needed to retain your calm composure.
Another oft successful variation on my Mantra tactic.
This sets us up for the corollary to this piece of advice-
I also pack one of those portable recharger batteries (about 1/2 the size of a Hershey’s plain chocolate bar) ,my Kindle (with 6 to 8 books I haven’t read minimum) and my tablet. The portable recharger will recharge any two of these items fully from less than 10% power. The other if I have to goes to the car from recharge. Pay close attention to power levels and rotate them often and you can pretty much avoid talking to anyone for more than 5 minutes per person all day long.
Preemptive strikes are always a good strategy as they allow you to control and direct the conversation (away from you). Just be sure the person you are throwing under the vicious gossip bus isn’t actually there or arriving later, otherwise this tactic might backfire when they seek to get the heat of the spotlight off themselves while getting revenge simultaneously by bringing your Cougar of a girlfriend who has children your age up.
This one only works if you’ve traveled some distance and stayed overnight to attend Thanksgiving. You use the excuse that you have to work the following day or that the hotel overbooked your room and you want to make the drive home in daylight while traffic is good to accomplish your escape.
Doesn’t work nearly as well if they live close by as if you live an hour or more away. I strongly suggest actually going away to avoid surprise drop ins “Since we missed you at Thanksgiving.” which after all was the entire point of the maneuver.
A favorite tactic of a certain well known dragon hereabouts.
Another tactic occasionally used by said dragon.
Strangely this one , for reasons I cannot fathom, is also know as ‘The Impish Dinner Conversation Defense”
Now this one not only gets you out of the cost, mess, effort, frustration and clean up of having Thanksgiving at your place. There are, as I see it, two significant downsides to this tactic however. One, no leftovers for consumption the day after, something many people look forward to as much if not more than the actual meal itself. Two you run the risk of then receiving an inescapable invitation to the home of the person previously mentioned in our Avoidance Reason section about, the host that can’t cook. This unfortunate downside leads us to our next survival tip-
Long with this very Boy Scout ‘Be Prepared’ philosophy I recommend you carry your own roll of your favorite brand of TP in your car to avoid another of our Avoidance Reason section issues.
Oft so very very true. Particularly if there are any devote gamers among them or they like talking out of turn about things their parents would rather you didn’t hear about. Intel garnered at the little peoples table can often be turned in deadly ammunition later on at the adult table when the spotlight is uncomfortably centered on you. Just remember come Christmas to make up for throwing someone’s kid under the bus to save yourself. Kids might be young and exhibit poor brain to mouth filtration and/or impulse control but they are not stupid, they understand bribery and payoffs for jobs well done. Even better they instinctively seem to know that calling attention to either of these occurrences is likely to cause their parents to shut the tap off at the relative so you can count on them keeping quite. At least that is, until a better bribe comes along.
Finally a temporary exit strategy for when you are unable to affect a permanent exit. This one works particularly well right after dinner when some people seek to go for a walk or to the mall for a little post dinner exercise to help them make room for their planned assault on the dessert table later on. Involving a sweetheart or significant other in this endeavor often works well to cover your true intentions plus gets you some of that one on one quality face time with said person that every old person in your family seems to be dead set on denying you by sticking their nose uninvited into the middle of every private conversation you attempt to have with said SH or SO.
NO SH or SO? Grab that favorite cousin you haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving and take them with you. Walk to the nearest bar, put a quarter in a parking meter and tie the dog to it. The dog will appreciate being out where there’s all kinds of new sights, sound, smells and people paying attention to them. Mean time you and cousin get to trade stories without being overheard and knock back a few to help you get through the rest of the day!
WARNING! Doesn’t work well with elderly dogs capable of only walking the length of a room before requiring a 4 hour naps. Does not work at all with cats.
That’s 100 pounds if you are a dragon!
This funny, yet moving song is a sweet reminder of what we celebrate this Thanksgiving season.
Speaking(well earlier I did) of Black Friday, here your one stop location for all the major Black Friday Ads and Deals.
By the way folks, as a public service let me point out that you have a scant 32 shopping days from Black Friday until Christmas! [Pauses expectantly then snickers and giggles at the sound of the groans and shrieks of despair from the crowd] Oh yeah! Doing that to you guys never gets old! I have exactly 2 gifts left to buy. I know what both are but have to hold off due in one case to delivery timing (its perishables food stuffs) and because if I don’t bring the other in until the last moment Molly can’t possibly find her present “accidentally” and will be surprised Christmas morning.
Adam Sandler – Live Performance – Thanksgiving Song on Saturday Night Live
Well folks we’ve reached the end of our Thanksgiving Issue… Huh? What’s that? OK maybe limit the response to my question to just the first 3 rows? AH! IMPISH! Yes I almost forgot! You’d all like to know what happens with poor Impish and his heart broken quest for a non MRE Thanksgiving Dinner!
Well ok since it is a holiday and it is an annual event story line here you go, part 2 for the issue of Impish Dragons Thanksgiving (Myth) Adventures:
Impish locked his door and engaged the diplomatic lock as well. He was in no mood to have anyone cajoling him to join the crowd on the campground where he was forced to admit Lethal had done an impressive job of mimicking a forward operating base where US troops were currently deployed. He stuffed the last of his carefully hoarded Lethal supplied turkey jerky into his maw, part of a…he wasn’t sure what exactly to call it. Bribe? Reconciliation gesture? Aimed at his co-operation and comportment at Thanksgiving dinner
Impish had spent a week attempting first to prove that there was going to be a regular Thanksgiving feast, then when he became convinced that Lethal’s intention to demonstrate support of our deployed troops by dining on MREs was genuine, he split his time between two ventures, neither of which was successful.
First he’d called Dr. Phil from the Hokey Pokey Clinic in an attempt to get Lethal committed as having gone crazy using the argument that nobody willing ate MREs, much less catered a holiday event with them. This nearly backfired and saw him locked up for severe depression and delusions before he managed to convince
Dr. Phil of the validity of his report. As a result his hated nemesis to ‘normal’ Dragon behavior was now part of the guest list calling the idea ‘inspired.’
Second he’d attempted to organize a break away protest dinner- a normal Thanksgiving Dinner to be had by those who didn’t see Lethal’s demonstration of solidarity as gourmand or gut friendly. This was to have been prepared by the others and overseen by him. Unfortunately there was barely a skeleton crew on duty in the kitchen. It seemed Lethal had given the Chief Chef the go ahead to grant vacation time and leave to basically everyone he could spare as long as coffee and sandwiches could be had at all times. Several surprise appearances in the various kitchens distributed throughout the complex had proven this to Impish beyond a shadow of a doubt as vacation schedules were hung in every one of the staff areas.
He’d fallen back on attempting to get the local grocery chains and Mom & Pop stores to produce those pre-prepared & precooked Thanksgiving Dinners in sufficient quantity for his appetite by distributing his order across them all. He’d been too late in trying this approach and out of 8 places would have been able to order a single dinner for 6 and that was to have been ham.
Impish thought Terrance feeling sorry (though likely more for the amount of rhetorical whining and griping he was forced to endure) had pulled some strings with a connection of his someplace and had managed to get assurance of a measly pair of 6 foot double meat party subs of hand cut real turkey from Subway with a minimal amount of vegetable contamination. As it turned out this had been Lethal’s doing as well another part of his reward for choking down just a company sized MRE in front to the readers and their military family guests before making a polite excuse about being off to see some working boys in the thin blue line. In truth he’d be back here in his office, bemoaning the loss of a Thanksgiving feast with the party subs.
Subway on Thanksgiving! Impish was resigned to close his eyes and take one for the sake of his loudly protesting the lack of holiday fare stomach.
He walked over the a heavy safe placing his hands carefully in out lined areas aligning his eye with a scanner and spoke clearly,
“Ambassador Impish Draconis. Unlock please.” After a moment a chime was heard followed by several large clicks and a creak as the door swung part way open.
Impish opened the door the rest of the way then carefully drew a thick leather bound book from the safe before pushing the door nearly closed with his tail as he headed for his desk. Swiveling his chair around so it faced the double doors leading to his terrace Impish slowly, almost reverently opened the book which bore the title ‘Draconian – Mundane Trade Agreement Arbitration Records.’
The inside of the book revealed quite a different subject matter however, a pictorial record of great feasts which Impish had either been part of or instigated. He turned to the section marked ‘Thanksgivings’ as a tear slowly trickled down his face. “I suppose all good things come to an end and I should be thankful I’ve had as many wondrous Thanksgivings as I have. Truth be told, they did get a lot better after Lethal joined me, but now it looks like that’s all over and done.” he commented to himself with a sniff.
Turning to a well dog eared page titled ‘Deep Fried Turkey Day 2012’ he sighed longingly. That had been the first time Lethal had departed from what Impish viewed as ‘normal’ Thanksgiving fare and it had turned out to be a culinary experience Impish would be a long time forgetting. The turkeys were succulently moist, falling off the bones but at the same time incredibly flavorful owing both to the flavor injecting and the rub that had been placed on and under the skin wherever possible. The smell from the bubbling cauldrons of hot oil had nearly driven Impish mad. He wasn’t too sure about things when he discovered that they had to be fried without stuffing in the cavities but Lethal had made up for this by showing him stuffing croquets which initially had not impressed him until Lethal suggested he spear one an then dunk it in his personal gravy bowl. Once this was done he was hooked on as he called them gravy covered stuffing balls and they were on his menu wish lest every year. In fact they were one of the few things that Lethal caved on without much of a fight. Impish sniffed fighting back a sob of despair, there would be no stuffing croquets or gravy covered stuffing balls to be had this Thanksgiving.
As he flipped the pages stopping on Thanksgiving 2014 a.k.a. Turducken Day a faint smile flickered across his sad face. He’d been dubious of the concept upon first hearing it described to him but the samples Lethal had agreed to provide him had won him over and had in fact been the genesis of his Turturturkey idea he’d shot for this year. He was slipping into the memory of the rich taste of Turducken when he felt a tingle in his earlobe.
Tapping the involuntarily implanted ear stud on the tingling side he called out “Impish receiving. This better be good.”
“Emergency at the Campground Pavilion…[crackling makes next few words indecipherable]…trestle……in danger of collapse.
Never designed to carry…”
“Chitty? Is that you? What are you doing here? What’s going on?!”
“Impish! Hurry! Unless……relieved the trestle… may collapse. Lethal under it attempting to shore it up!
He’ll be buried alive under the combine weight of the… DAMN IT MOVE YOUR TAIL!”
A different much clearer voice now takes over the line. “Control copies all. Dragon One you are cleared to launch from your terrace on direct line to campground.”
Impish barrels through the French doors onto his terrace, wings already unfurling even as he is still morphing into Big Blue. As upset as he might be with Lethal, there are too many other lives in potential danger and Lethal has come though too many times for him to even contemplate not rushing to his best bud’s aid even when they are in (to his mind) serious disagreement.
“Dragon One airborne. ETA 30 seconds. Any update Control?”
“Suggest you land to make entry from Pavilion rear as festivities layout has blocked most of the other access.
No additional updates from C2B2. Leprechaun One and HB are not responding to hails.” came the immediate response.
“Dragon copies. Landing now.”
“Control standing by. Advise situation and required support soonest possible.”
“Dragon copies. Wilco”
Impish flares hard and preforms a flawless short field landing, translating his forward flight momentum into a high speed (for him) waddle to the rear of the Pavilion over which an olive drag military surplus tent has been draped. This matches up with the other tents that have been erected 2 abreast and four deep down the front of the Pavilion making an impromptu military mess hall.
As Impish shoved his head in the rear flap of the Pavilion covering tent and prepares to take charge, he is immediately assaulted by by sights and smells for which he was complete unprepared rendering him completely speechless and motionless for a moment. The trestle that was in danger of collapsing is not part of the Pavilion frame as Impish had feared but rather the trestle table upon which his personal feast is traditionally laid out for every holiday.
This is in no small part apparently due to the 4 platters bearing Turturturkeys running the full length of the table interspersed with huge bowls of stuffing croquets and fluffy whipped potatoes while several miniature gallon cauldrons of simmering gravy stood atop small braziers. It was practically a vision of Thanksgiving Nirvana and Impish momentarily reflected that he could not have possibly started hallucinating at a worst possible time.
He was startled back to reality by the voice in his ear “Dragon One- Control what is your situation? Over.”
As he drew breath to reply he spotted Hell Boy even redder than his normal want straining to hold up the center of the table on the far side looking at him pleadingly but unable to make the effort to speak. From the loud cursing in what he suspected was Ancient Gaelic and frantic hammering coming from under the table he knew where Lethal must be.
His head darted under the table on the side opposite Hell Boy and he strained his neck muscles to provide lift to the heavy table. As his vision adjusted he could see Lethal with a sawhorse under the table. Lethal was hammering on the legs trying to get the sawhorse upright under the table but the table was bowed too far in the center. Impish managed to grunt out “Lengthwise not crossways” and slide his head a little farther under the table taking up a bit more of the load thus relieving some more of the sag in the table.
Again came the call in Impish’s ear, “Dragon One- Control Say again or SITREP soonest. Over.”
Lethal looked at Impish for a quick moment then the sawhorse before nodding his understanding and frantically beginning to hammer in the opposite direction to free up the sawhorse so he might spin it. He barely managed to croak out an intelligible “Control Dragon One on scene. Emergency Op underway- Standby.”
When it came loose Impish and Hell Boy both groaned at the sudden added weight. Impish closed his eyes on concentration, his neck muscles beginning to burn at the strain, he could only imagine how Hell Boy felt having supported his side far longer. The hammering started again and this time Impish could feel slight decreases in the weight he was bearing with each sound of the hammer as the sawhorse slid into place and began supporting the center of the table. Suddenly he heard a flurry of scuffling and the sound of several tools scraping on the floor. Seconds later Lethal’s Irish brogue called out loudly “Clear!”
Slowly both Impish and Hell Boy relaxed slightly. The table sagged, the sawhorse groaned then shuddered as it shifted slightly as it sought to support the load above it of both table and food. After a moment’s hesitation both let go of the table totally and stepped quickly back from it. The table stood solidly once again.
Lethal looked at his friend nodding his thanks for a job well done then quipped, “And there is the fourth reason the Turturturkey is impractical, too much bloody weight.”
Impish, a tear of happiness running down his cheek managed to answer Controls query finally. “Control- Dragon One. Situation has been resolved and is under control. No causalities No further assistance required. Dragon One out.”
“Control copies Dragon One. Enjoy your Thanksgiving feast. Control clear.” Control’s response sounded slightly muffled as though spoken around a mouthful of something.
Impish snagged a turkey leg just to keep his stomach semi quiet as he rounded the table to where Lethal was tending to Hell Boy with a very large and pungent smelling flag of laboratory grade crockery. The fumes were enough to clear Impish’s sinuses and make his eyes water but Hell Boy was downing what ever it was like it was spring water. Impish had other priorities however and regarded Lethal who stared at him expectantly.
“I saw the MREs come in. Two trucks worth.”
“Yep you did. Were supposed to. Would have be damned annoyed if you hadn’t.”
“You spent that much on a mere deception? My win last year must have had you desperate.”
“Have you gone bloody daft? First you didn’t win last year, you walked right into my carefully bated trap just like I wanted you to. Second, there’s a lot of homeless people and others not eating as well as we are this Thanksgiving. I figured we should do something about it.
I gave the individual meals to homeless shelters and missions. The company sized ones went to a couple of churches holding dinners for families who couldn’t afford Thanksgiving dinner themselves.”
“But the kitchen staff! You furloughed 95% of them! How did you…?”
Lethal removed a saucer from under a normal sized gravy boat on the table and showed the bottom of it to Impish, before carefully replacing it. It read ‘Property of Four Seasons Leprechonia”.
“Let’s just say I had some pull at another kitchen facility capable of pulling this off. Especially since half our staff took advantage of a free week there in exchange for 2 days work while they were there once they learned what it was for.”
“Then what was all that about supporting our troops and hammering me over my lack of support for your holiday vision?”
“Look about you Impish. Everyone is standing in line for their food and getting it on metal trays. They are eating seated on benches at communal tables under a tent with a sand floor. They are eating in shifts, and policing their mess service just like their deployed family members. Hell, the majority of them showed up wearing some sort of camouflage or Battle Dress Utilities, even the readers. If that isn’t support I don’t know what is.
I managed to scrounge enough materials to make additional iLethals so that roughly half of them can Skype with their family members if they are reachable while they eat. When the other half sit they’ll get their shot at Skyping too. The only deception here was the menu and that deception was only for you and the readers so they wouldn’t alert you.
“And the party subs from Subway?”
“Control; and the rest of the skeleton crew have to have something to eat until they are relieved. I was worried they’d arrive too soon and you’d see all the veggies and realize something was up. Now, do you want to ask more questions or can we have the Chaplin say grace for the head table and set down to dinner?”
“Just one more thing Lethal-“
“Bloody hell! What is it?”
“I did so win last year! I made it into the kitchen where Thanksgiving was being prepared- even if it was just the extra stock for gravy. Happy Thanksgiving my friend.”
“Yer daft in the head Dragon! Thanksgiving was prepared off site and that pot was at best a Thanksgiving potpourri lure for my trap. Happy Thanksgiving Impish. Let’s eat.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that first part but I’m with you on that last part. Lethal? Hey! WAIT! Don’t start without me!
Brutus! Put that Turkey leg back you little thief I see you!”
“Will you all bow your heads for the blessing please.”