Dragon Laffs #1492


Fathers Day

Good Morning Campers,

father's day brewTomorrow is Father’s Day.  To many of you out there right now, I hope you’re not saying, “Oh Crap!” and dashing out the door, credit card in hand to do some last minute shopping.  I used to ask my Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, what he wanted for Father’s Day and when we were younger, he’d always answer the same way, “For you kids to be good for one day!”

And no, we weren’t bad kids…per se…we just had very imaginative ways of getting in happyfathersdaytrouble.  Or, at least I thought so at the time.  Now, having raised my own son and having watched my son deal with his sons…well, I understand that it wasn’t that imaginative after all.  Like many sons, I have come to realize how absolutely amazing my dad was, now that I’m a dad myself.

I was listening to the Bob and Sheri Show on the radio the other morning and they were taking calls on the most inventive punishments that your father had ever used.  And man! Some of them were pretty wild! Well, that got me thinking about my own childhood and although I can’t think of anything really inventive that my father did, there was one instance that was absolutely hilarious that I remember quite well.
A little back story first.  When I was still in kindergarten, my parents moved into the house that I ended up growing up in.  It was a 3 bedroom ranch style house which was just perfect for our little family of one girl (the oldest child) and two boys (with me being the number one son).  The boys shared a room, my sister had her own room and of course my parents had their room.  All was well until the third son showed up.  We suddenly didn’t
have enough room in our little house.

Not to be discouraged and my father being the consummate craftsman that he was, the basement was soon turned into a tiled and paneled bedroom for the two oldest boys.  It was beautiful with one side being carpeted, a drop ceiling with inset lighting, built in desk for us to work at, shelves, a closet and basically a bedroom that was 3/4 the size of the whole house!  The other 1/4 was my dad’s work shop, artist studio (yes, he is an artist as well as a wood craftsman dabbling in oils, clay modeling, just about anything like that you could imagine dad could do with excellence), and mom’s laundry room.  We won’t discuss the horrendous noise that came out of his workshop late at night when he used his belt sander.  Let’s just say that Stanley and I were sure that the machine that H.G. Wells described in his Journey To The Center of The Earth novel was making its way through our walls.

Anyway, one of the nice things, from my point of view, was that it was always about ten degrees cooler in the basement than it was upstairs and in the winter time, us “Cellar Dwellers” as we liked to call ourselves would be warm and snuggled down under several inches of bedding when we went to sleep.

The way I figure it, I was probably about 12 years old or so and my brother was a year or so younger and we got to laughing about something after we had been told to “turn off the lights, shut up and go to sleep” at least a couple of times.  But, whatever this was, was so funny that we couldn’t seem to stop laughing and every time dad would stand at the top of the stairs, turn on the stairway light and holler down the stairs that he was going to “come down there with my belt if you don’t shut up and go to sleep!” we would be quiet for a few minutes and then start laughing and cracking each other up uncontrollably.

As was destined to happen, the stairway light came on and dad came down the stairs and we could hear his belt come out of his pants and we laid there in terror as he approached our two beds.  He then proceeded to wail on the two of us with his belt like there was no tomorrow!

Remember what I said about us having several inches of blankets on top of us?  Well, we didn’t feel a thing!  When he had finished with his “30 lashes” or whatever it was and started going back towards the stairs he said something like, “Now! Shut up and go to sleep!”

Well, as suicidal as it sounds, that just pushed us over the edge again and we started laughing so hard we couldn’t stop.  Dad, God love him, turned back towards us with this incredulous look on his face and must have realized what had happened because he almost started laughing himself as he turned and headed back towards the stairs saying, “Oh, just go to sleep!”

My brother Stanley has since passed on (boy, do I sure miss him!) but I can still see him laughing with me as we’re laying in our beds under our protective shields of blankets.
I don’t know if my dad remembers this instance or not, but, since I know he’s reading this, I love you dad!  I still laugh about this to this day!  And, I’ve told this story to your grandkids and will soon, I’m sure, share it with your great-grandkids!

But, it’s time to get this issue going.  You’ll find some Father’s Day stuff strewn around, which is how most fathers find things anyway.  So, let’s move on and

let's laugh

“To her the name of father was another name for love”

2054

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada!  I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

 When she asks him where he’s going?  He replies, “I’m coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year

2055

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

I was going to include a news article that I read that got my dander up and was ready to wax poetic ranting to convey my most inner feelings…translated: I got really pissed off at a news report and wanted to share my feelings with you guys.

But then, I read another article and wanted to share that one with you.  Well, too rants wouldn’t be too bad, I thought.  But, then I read the third article.

Well, as you can imagine, fire was leaking from my nostrils, steam was coming out of my ears as I read more and more that just galled me. k

So instead, I’ll just give you guys the headlines from one of the many websites/emails that I follow and I think you’ll begin to understand my rage.

DHS Forbids the Use of the Terms “Jihad” and “Sharia” – They’re Too “Disrespectful” Our Government forcing us to not use terms that Our Government finds “Disrespectful” when even the Muslim communities don’t find them so.

Feds Anticipate “Intelligence Bonanza” to be Collected From Life-Saving Biomedical Devices NSA excited about getting information on individuals by using internet connected devices like pacemakers and such.

Harry Reid: Democrats Will “Force A Vote” on Gun Control That’s right, now that we are all standing in the government’s politically correct sheep line, the next thing is to take our guns so it will be easier to lead the sheep to slaughter

State Rep Devises Way to Guarantee No Republican Will Ever Win Office in California Again Devious and perfectly legal…

First Amendment Violation? Gov’t Demands And Threats of “Liability” for Not Using Transgender Pronouns Transgender teacher wins a lawsuit ($60,000) because well…let me quote it here because otherwise, you’ll never believe me: In Oregon, a school district has settled a transgender bias claim, paying $60,000 to a transgender employee who demanded to be called “they” rather than “he” or “she.” Okay, we can’t say Jihad or Sharia but we HAVE to say They, Ze, or Hir. Can someone please tell me what the hell are “Ze” and “Hir”? 

Actions/Directives That Caused the FBI to “Overlook” the Orlando Shooter The administration’s efforts to purge the Muslim records and to remove from the playbook any profiling information from Islamists or Muslims may have played a role in the Orlando Shooter not being stopped.

So, do you begin to see my dilemma? Any one of these subjects would be enough to get dragon hackles rising, but to throw all of them at me at once is rage making.  So, you guys go on and keep reading, I need a stiff shot of “medicine” in my morning coffee and we all need a good laugh after that B.S.

2056
“A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.” — Enid Bagnold

dragon pix
StolenTreasureOkay, so I was rotten when I was a kid.  What can I say?  I did end up giving it back to her.


“My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.’ ” — Jim Fox

Donald Trump in a speech to evangelicals in Washington Friday stood by his proposed ban on allowing Syrian refugees into the U.S. He was blasted by the administration for profiling Muslims. Homeland Security tells us that if you see something say something, just don’t say anything offensive.

 

This one definitely deserves the warning…Groan
2057

“Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.” — Anne Geddes

The flight was coming into Philadelphia when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 little people shakily get off the plane.

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many little people on the flight.

“Those weren’t little people,” the pilot replied. “Those were DNC delegates with all the crap scared out of them!”

7

“A father is a banker provided by nature.” — French Proverb

I know we’ve talked about the “Entitlement Generation” before and my disgust, and yours as well I imagine.  Well, a new management company has actually created a training video to help us Non-Millennial employers and supervisors in how to deal with this group of employees.
Let me just say, it sure helped me out a lot. (<—NOT a paid endorsement) (where the hell is that sarcasm font that I asked for?!)

You see?  It’s just not their fault.  Nothing is.

fantasyf2010052001It reminded me of Lethal’s rainbow shield against Mother Nature, but different.  (Yup, it’s early morning and I know that later on today that sentence will make PERFECT sense.)

Believe it or not.  I found a video that is the last video’s response.  This one is a Millennial guide to baby boomers: A Guide.

“A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.”

2058

”Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!”

Okay, so I know I’ve shown you quite a few videos already, and I should’ve put them all in one category, but I just couldn’t pass this last one up.  It will definitely crack you up.

Now, back to the other kinds of jokes and fun.

Critter
This is one we haven’t seen for a while.  Everybody likes our funnies animal friends
a39a40a41a42a45

 

2059Works that way for all of us, pal.

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.

A 72 year  old man had one hobby – he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ he looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

 He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’

 He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

 The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

 
frog

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

 The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’ I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’

 He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’

2060

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

 

Father

2061

motivationaldeath rowdisbeliefLegoLego2Leisure Time
2062
I had to leave his signature at the end so you would know this wasn’t a quote from me…

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, that:
North American men between 60 and 75 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of men I know, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.

K2

2063
fathers-day-greetings-1

A black eye (periorbital hematoma) or shiner’ (colloquial) is bruising around the eye commonly due to an injury to the face rather than an eye injury.  The name is given due to the color of bruising.
 
The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin around the eye. 
Sometimes a black eye indicates a more extensive injury, even a skull fracture, particularly if the area around both eyes is bruised (raccoon eyes), or if there has been a head injury…. 2a

For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat. 

Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket, while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin. 

These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn’t compounded by thermal shock. 

Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:
2

Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.

Caution: This method may cause swelling in other areas. 

For most old guys the swelling will be minimal – therefore it is not expected that this method will be dangerous for you. 

No need to thank me. 

I forward this in the interest of better health for Old Farts

 

2064
fathers-day-quotes-12

politiciansThis is another, relatively new section, although it is one of my favorites, something we’ve been doing for a long time anyway, and the fact that they make it SO EASY doesn’t diminish the fun at all.
44aAnd everyone of you out there know that’s the honest truth!
4bRepent!  For the end is near!
4cSadly, this is so true…it shouldn’t just be on Memorial Day.  EVERY DAY should be Memorial Day!
4d4e

At this time, we all know the horrible things that have happened in Orlando this last week.  First *** a The Voice participant gets shot after a concert while signing autographs, right in front of her brother.  Then the Pulse nightclub is the venue for the worse mass terrorist shooting in America’s history. And finally, the poor two year old boy gets killed by an alligator while at Disney World.  It’s been a really tough time.  But, somebody is fighting back…at least against the ISIS inspired supporters of the Pulse Shootings.

ISIS’ Twitter Accounts Get Fabulous Gay Makeovers7a

In the Wake of Orlando, Anonymous Hacks Hundreds of ISIS’ Twitter Accounts

Techly  It’s not going to bring down the caliphate – but it is funny as hell. In a small, moral victory for the good guys, the hacktivist collective known as Anonymous, has infiltrated hundreds of pro-ISIS twitter accounts and given them a fabulous gay makeover. 
A hacker by the name of WauchulaGhost has been responsible for the majority of the attacks.  For instance, he broke into ISIS account, @gi_h_a_d35, changed his profile picture to a gay flag and tweeted out this message: “Hello World. It’s time I share with you a little secret…

WauchulaGhost has also been tweeting out IP addresses, phone numbers and other contact information for fellow hackers to use. Explaining his motivation, he/she said:

“Daesh [ISIS] have been spreading and praising the attack, so I thought I would defend those that were lost. The taking of innocent lives will not be tolerated.Our actions are directed at Jihadist extremists. Many of our own [group of hackers] are Muslim and we respect all religions that do not take innocent lives.”

Anonymous and ISIS have had a very bizarre and underwhelming “war” since the Charlie Hedbo attacks, kind of like when Soulja Boy and Lil Bow Wow had a “beef” 
All I can say is, Well Done WauchulaGhost!!!!

stupid5I just picture Marvin the Martian, “Where’s the Earth Shattering Kaboom?”  Hang on a sec Marvin.
5a
5bNew Ass Crack in 3…2…1…
5cHey Marvin!  Quick!  Over here!
5dThe real surprising part is it looks like this guy does this a lot since he has a special board to stand on and all.

2065

2066

2067

Last WordWell, my dear fellow campers, this issue is huge!  And I’ve run out of time and need to upload this to the site.  But, I have to leave you with this amazing video of how Social Engineering can destroy your life!

I know, right?

Just watch…

Cheers Impish

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1492

  1. Jeannie (aka Gracie!) hehe says:

    Happy Father’s Day, Impish!! Great issue. Hope you have a terrific day.

  2. Ginny says:

    Nice job Impish, I enjoyed from the beginning to the, Wishing you a Happy Father’s Day!

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