Lethal stands at the podium in a broad brim hat and very dark sunglasses shouting directions to someone off stage.
“Lower… LOWER… I SAID LOWER! Ok help me out here what part of the direction ‘lower’ are you failing to comprehend? Mayhaps a lowering of your salary as an example…”
Suddenly the immediate area of the podium is quite a bit darker in its illumination.
“Ah yes very nice in fact grand that is. I thank you for your kind, if was slightly obtuse help.”
Shuffling his papers he turns his attention to you folks.
“Top o the Morn ta ya and isn’t it a grand morning! The sun is shining, the birds sweetly singing, God is in his Heaven and who bloody well cares where Mother Nature has gone off to to direct he next snit at someone I’m off the hook!
Last Thursday the eggheads and weather weenies over at NASA proudly crowed that the El Nino which was being blamed for the significant rain events effecting the West and South West had blown it self out and was over. Dead. Kaput. Ver Kempt. Fursnooked. A memory.
Yet Friday morning as you all saw from Impish’s opening last Saturday I got hammered again. As I did later in the day Saturday not mention nothing of a substantial portion of Sunday and intermittently Monday. Our power went up and down faster and more often that a Harlem Globetrotter dribbling a basketball.
The NASA Nerds quickly explained long and loudly to anyone who would pause from throwing bad produce at them that they were right and that this moisture was in fact coming not from the West but from the South off the Gulf because of the EL Nino retreating.
Consequently several were tied to a rocket and launched at a weather satellite to motivate the rest of them as well as to show our very wet displeasure. Apparently we were successful in getting our message across because we have no rain in our forecast for the next five days. Partly cloudy to mostly Sunny looms ahead.
Of course this presents a slight challenge as well. Most of us are no longer used to the bright sunshine, hence the wide brim hat and the very dark glasses to avoid searing our retinas. Also those of us of Irish extraction and other extremely faire skinned races are painting our possibly exposed or exposable parts in SPF Dark Side of the Moon sunscreen lest we spontaneously combust.
Even so I’m very happy its stopped raining..at least for now.
Well in my case that’s how you do it pretty much every morning. That center pot better be full though!
ISIS Hires Disabled Executioner – But Is It Enough To Satisfy Critics Of Its Employment Practices?
Has Islamic State recruited a disabled executioner to boost its ‘equal opportunities credentials’ in Libya?
he Islamic State has employed a wheelchair-bound executioner to terrorize residents in its new stronghold in Libya, a human rights report revealed on Wednesday.
The executioner, who appears in propaganda photos showing the shooting of an alleged spy, may have been chosen by Isis as part of a crude attempt to show it is an “equal opportunities” organization.
An account of how he executed in a man in a public square in the Libyan city of Sirte is given a new report by Human Rights Watch, which says the group has executed up to 49 people since seizing control of Sirte in February 2015.
Here is a photo of Impish trying to hide from Mother Nature by posing as a playground. Not saying of course that he’s not big enough to be a playground.
Mean time here is a picture of me attempting to fight off another attack by Mother Nature.
A man telephones a law office and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry but he died last week.”
The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The man says, “Because I just love hearing it.”
Its been a while since I posted any recipes. Here are a couple that are perfect for those hot summer days soon to be here.
Chicken Enchilada Lasagna
Sits well so you can use the oven while its cooler and serve by heating portions in microwave though its just as good at room temp. Serve with a salad.
Prep. time: 20 min
Cook time: 45 min
- 2 jars (15 oz.) Classico® Spicy Tomato & Parmesan Cream Pasta Sauce
- 1 package Soft corn tortillas (approx. 18 tortillas)
- 2 cans (15 oz.) Black beans, drained
- 1 can (15 oz.) Whole kernel corn, drained
- 1 1/2 lb. Chicken breasts, boneless and skinless
- 3 cups Monterey Jack cheese, shredded (reserve some for topping)
- 4 Scallions, chopped (reserve one for garnish)
- 1/2 tsp. Dried oregano
- 1/4 tsp. Chili powder
- 1/4 tsp. Garlic powder
- 1/4 tsp. Onion powder
- 1 1/2 tsp. Ground cumin
- 1/2 tsp. Salt
- 1/2 tsp. Ground black pepper
- Preheat oven to 375°F.
- Boil chicken breasts in water until fully cooked.
- While chicken is cooking, mix all dry spices and salt in a medium bowl.
- When chicken is finished cooking, shred on a cutting board by pulling between two forks.
- Add shredded chicken, black beans and corn to bowl with seasoning and toss to coat evenly.
- In a 9×13” baking dish, spread a thin layer of Classico® Spicy Tomato and Parmesan Cream Sauce.
- Place the soft tortillas oven the sauce to create the first layer of the lasagna.
- Top with about 1/3 of the chicken, bean & corn mixture. Sprinkle on top 1/3 of the scallions and 1/3 of the cheese.
- Cover with sauce, add another layer of tortillas and begin layering ingredients again.
- Repeat this for one more layer. You should have three layers ending with sauce on top.
- Cover dish with foil and bake for 20 minutes.
- After 20 minutes, remove foil and sprinkle on remainder of cheese and bake for additional 10-15 minutes or until cheese is golden and sauce is bubbly.
- Top with remaining scallions and serve.
If you do not like spicy foods, substitute with Classico® Four Cheese Tomato Cream Sauce.
To make vegetarian lasagna, remove chicken and eliminate steps 3 & 4. Mix seasoning from step 3 into sauce.
I use the shredded meat white and dark from a rotisserie chicken when making one of these types of recipes. I find it easier faster and better tasting when you include the dark meat.
Easy Crockpot Baked Ziti
Crockpots are an underused thing in the summer. They don’t heat the house up as much as stovetop cooking and can even easily be moved outside any place you have an outlet.
Prep time; 20 mins
Cook time: 2 hrs 30 mins
Total time; 2 hrs 50 mins
Yield: 6-8 servings
- 2 (25 ounce) jars of pasta sauce
- 15 oz tomato sauce
- 1 pound UNCOOKED penne pasta
- 15 oz ricotta cheese
- 2 eggs
- ⅓ cup freshly chopped basil
- 2 cups of freshly grated parmesan cheese (I bought an 8 oz block and had a little left over)
- 1 cup grated Asiago cheese (or use shredded mozzarella)
- Combine ricotta, eggs, and basil in a bowl and stir well
- In a large bowl, combine both pasta sauces and tomato sauce together.
- Grate Parmesan cheese (I used around 2 cups) and set aside.
- Grease the inside of a 6 qt slow cooker (I used vegan butter spread but you can use whatever you have)
- Add 2⅓ cups of pasta sauce to the bottom of the slow cooker
- Add ⅓ of the uncooked penne.
- Dot on half of the ricotta mixture and spread out evenly.
- Add half of the Parmesan cheese (1 cup)
- Add another 2⅓ cups of sauce mixture
- Add an additional ⅓ of the uncooked penne.
- Dot on the remaining ricotta and spread out.
- Sprinkle on the remaining parmesan cheese (1 cup)
- Add the last ⅓ of the uncooked penne.
- Top with the remaining 2⅓ cups of sauce mixture
- Cover and cook on high for 2-3 hours, or until pasta is al dente (we cooked ours for around 2½ hours)
- During the last few minutes, add asiago cheese (or sub mozzarella) to the top and allow to melt
- Serve alone or topped with red pepper flakes and served with garlic bread
*Note – since the noodles use the sauce to cook in, the pasta may become a little dry once reheated. Just added a bit more pasta sauce when reheating!
I like a wetter/saucier pasta. Towards this end I often add a small diced zucchini or 1/2 a pint tray of sliced mushrooms. The moisture given off by the vegetables while cooking is just enough to keep the sauce from becoming too dry.
I’ve also found that how dry the end product will be is influenced by the brand and flavor of the sauce and brand of the pasta. You may have to experiment a little to find your favorite combinations.
Finally, cooking for a bunch of people? Add another crockpot right beside this one with layers of peppers and onions alternating with layers of Italian sausage. (I parboil mine to remove some of the grease first). When the sausages are done and the peppers and onions tender, remove the sausages, cut them in to quarters and add them back to the peppers and onions. Crusty bread a tossed salad and a bottle of good chianti are all you need to feed 10 to 12 adults.
Father and son team rescues abandoned pets from flood waters
Leah D. and I had a brief exchange in the comments section regarding gold ol’ Texas boys with pick up a can do attitude and a driving need to help others in times of trouble. We proudly call them ‘Bubbas’ and they a re part and parcel to Texas heritage and what makes Texas stand out as well as stand tall. As I promised her, here is another example of Bubba’s lending a hand where needed with being asked to.
Reddit user DUSTYHAM shared these photos of his dad and little brother saving animals from flood waters in Brazoria County, Texas. His dad estimates that they have rescued 40 pets so far. They take them to a temporary shelter set up by the Humane Society.
You are absolutely right Leah Texas does have a lot of people who are ready to come and help out regardless of what the problem is or how far away it might be and we are darn proud to have them too!
JOAN RIVERS One-Liners
(Growing up I al;ways though she was Don Rickles in drag!)
The Queen of the Barbed One-liners
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.
Want to know why women don’t blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.
I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, “Will she live?” He said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat.”
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”
California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.
The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, “He’s flashing! He’s flashing!” In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.
Stevie Wonder, that poor son of a bitch. Who’s going to tell him he’s wearing a macramé plant holder on his head?
Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, “You are here.” I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn’t sleep with other women.
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
The most beautiful women in the world are always the dumbest. The most beautiful woman in the whole world, Bo Derek … This woman is an idiot. She studies for her Pap test.
I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We’d go out for drinks, he’d go, “Bottoms up.”
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked.
Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born … He should have been there when it was conceived.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Last 9/11 search dog gets hero’s salute during last visit to vet
FAIR WARNING GIVEN: You’ll all probably want your box of Kleenex for this next one.
Bretagne (pronounced “Brittany”) was the last living 9/11 search and rescue dog. At almost 17 years old, the former search and rescue dog took her final walk into the veterinarian. During her long life, she assisted 300 other rescue dogs in the rubble of Ground Zero, trudged through the floods of Hurricane Katrina, and embraced thousands of special needs students across elementary schools in Texas. Last year she was flown back to New York for her sweet 16 and treated like royalty, which you can view HERE.
Honors provided proudly by the Cy-Fair Texas Fire Department. An amazing life for an amazing dog.
Especially this time of year when that ass is barely clad in what passes for a bikini bottom!