Dragon Laffs #1463


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When you enter the campground where you normally have the Dragon Laffs issue delivered, you see a lot of people sitting around in easy chairs, leaned back with their belts and top pant button open.  You also notice many fairies flitting around with bromo-seltzer, Alka-Seltzer and other stomach remedies.  But, what you don’t see is Impish Dragon. 

You sit, grab a cup of coffee and a danish and sit in your own easy chair (you are a patron, after all).  You think it must’ve been a great Thanksgiving feast if this many people are still suffering the after-effects of eating too much.  It’s a shame you had to miss it, it seems as though it was MUCH more fun than you had at your – sigh – in-laws house.

As you are waiting and commiserating with your companions, from the direction of the mountain stronghold comes a flatbed truck and a fork-lift.  You watch as the truck pulls up beside the stage and on the back is Impish Dragon, bloated beyond all possible belief.

The forklift pulls up, slides under the skid that the dragon is laid out on and turning, deposits him on the stage, facing away from you.  Obviously, a little more thought should’ve gone into this delivery.

Impish, realizing the problem, begins the tedious task of turning himself over.  Twenty minutes, numerous curse words in several different mythological languages (at one point, all the dwarves in the room cracked up laughing), several pauses for gasping breath and one final grunt, and the blue dragon, in his small form, I might add, has turned over and is now facing you.

“Good Morning Campers.  Whew!  That was tough, wasn’t it?  What a party it’s been for the past couple of days.  I see some of you are in as bad a shape as I am.  Well, for me, as soon as I digest this through my three stomachs, and get a couple of hours flying I’ll be fine.  The rest of you, I’m sure will have the same…”

Ginny rushes up to the stage and whispers in Impish’s ear.  You’re sure that she’s scolding him due to her finger wagging in his face.  This goes on for several minutes and seems to be increasing in intensity as our blue dragon begins to chuckle.

“Sure, sure Diaman darling…er…I mean Ginny dearest…I’ll take care of it.”  He turns back towards you just as Diaman also reaches the stage.  “Now Diaman dearest … or um darling…I’m fine. As Ginny has just reminded me, I still have quite a bit of that great Mosel German wine in me (reminds me of when I was stationed there) plus the tryptophan overdose that I’ve suffered the last two weeks … or um … days. And I’m not quite myself.  Yes, I know that humans don’t have 3 stomachs, I do have my human form for an example after all, it was my idea of a little joke.”

“Not funny?”

“Well, isn’t that quite beside the point?  There’s plenty of other stuff here for them to laugh at.”

Ginny and Diaman both lean in and whisper and wag fingers.

“Alright!  Alright!  Geez, so we’re running a bit late.  It wasn’t my fault I was turned around … okay, okay, it WAS my fault since I’m the one who set the whole truck and forklift thing up.  Yes, ma’am.  Yes, yes ma’am.”

Turning back to you as the two ladies stand beside him with their arms crossed tapping their feet Impish speaks up, “So it seems I’m not myself today.  Geez, you’d think they’d be used to it by now.”

Both women turn towards him and raise their fists.

“So … um … let’s just go ahead and start today’s issue while we all try to recover.

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Let’s start today’s issue with a prayer:
2e

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”
 
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
 
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!”
 
Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?”
 
And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”
 
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer!

 

2

 

The fish that would not die.  Jean sent in this video and she said it creeped her out!  I agree!

Ugh!  That’s too weird!!  Some people speculated that it’s a trick with wires, or giving the muscles on the fish an electric shock to make them jump, but I looked and couldn’t find anywhere where this was faked.  Not to say that it isn’t, just that I couldn’t find anything.

 

2b

 

Insider’s Guide To The Male Vocabulary

“Haven’t I seen you before?”
~~””Nice ass.”

“I’m a Romantic.”
~~””I’m poor.”

“I need you.”
~~””My hand is tired.”

“I am different from all the other guys.”
~~””I am not circumcised.”

“I want a commitment.”
~~””I’m sick of masturbation.”

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
~~””You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

“I really want to get to know you better.”
~~””So I can tell my friends about it.”

“It’s just orange juice, try it.”
~~””3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

“She’s kinda cute.”
~~””I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

“I don’t know if I like her.”
~~””She won’t sleep with me.”

“I miss you so much.”
~~””I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

“Was it good for you?”
~~””I’m insecure about my manhood.”

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
~~””Is my penis really that small?”

“I had a wonderful time last night.”
~~””Who the hell are you?”

“Do you love me?”
~~””I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

“Do you ‘really’ love me?”
~~””I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

“How much do you love me?”
~~””I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

“I have something to tell you.”
~~””Get tested.”

“”I’ll give you a call.”
~~””I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”
~~””You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

“I think we should just be friends.”
~~””You’re ugly.”

“I’ve learned a lot from you.”
~~””Next!!!!”

“I’m on a long ~~”distance call, can you call me later?”
~~”I gotta turn on my answering machine.”

 

2c

 

These guys are TOO funny.  It takes a lot of guts to be this silly in front of so many people.

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) and I noticed a diaper-headed individual who looked Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed.  As I tossed and turned my wife said, “You’re upset, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said.

 
“That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel

​!​

 

 

2d

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  And it gets proven over and over again each day.

 

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Thought I’d share this picture with you.  This is a mural that’s on the wall in one of our halls in Fun Mountain.  It was created by a very famous artist who asked to remain nameless.  No, not the security team member Nameless, the artist wished to …. ah never mind.

 

I’ve been invited to join a new club…

100

But I’m not a very good golfer

 

I’ve seen many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I’ve ever seen.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Nature is truly breath taking.

I’ve sent this to most of my older friends, since the younger ones probably have never seen a Falcon and wouldn’t recognize it.

101

 

What a great idea!  And of course, who did it come from? None other than our own Jersey Girl,Ginny.  See, Jersey girls always come up with the easiest way to get what they want.
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This one sent from Papa Dragon Most Senior…if you don’t think this is a HUGE problem, then you are part of the problem.
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Why are we sending billions of dollars to other countries who just turn around and use the money to try and hurt us?  Why are we accepting refugees when we have our own homeless that we don’t take care of?  But the most important question of all is: Why are we letting our government get away with this?

 

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Fantasy Pic

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This is an artist’s rendition of Diaman waking up in the morning.  Because we all know, that when Diaman wakes up, the whole world is alive!

 

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That sounds about right.

 

One man’s opinion:

When the following happen’s the United States will again be the greatest country in the World!
A new kind of America

THE PERFECT DAY – January 20, 2017
1.    President Marco Rubio and Vice President Carly Fiorina are sworn into office.
2.    In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress convenes for an
emergency meeting to repeal the illegal and unconstitutional Socialist
healthcare farce known as Obamacare.  The new Director of Health and Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces that an independent group of healthcare management professionals is hired to handle healthcare services for poor and low income people.  They are also assigned the duty of eliminating Medicare and Medicaid fraud.  Government’s costs for public healthcare are reduced by 90%.  Healthcare insurance premiums for working Americans are reduced by 50%.  The move saves billions of taxpayer paid dollars.  Healthcare service in the U.S improves 100%.

3.    Newly appointed department of Homeland Security Chief Donald Trump announces the immediate deployment of Troops to the U.S. Mexico border to control illegal immigration and the immediate deportation of illegals with criminal records or links to terrorist groups.  New bio-encrypted Social Security ID’s are required by every American citizen.  Birthright is abolished. All immigration from countries that represent a threat to the safety of American citizens is terminated indefinitely. The move saves American taxpayers billions of dollars.  Several prisons are closed.

4.    Newly appointed Secretary of Business and Economic Development Ted Cruz eliminates more than half of the Government agencies operating under the Obama administration saving taxpayers billions of dollars.  Stocks rise 100%.

5.    Newly appointed Director of Government Finance Rand Paul announces the abolition of the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal Tax Return form. It consists of one page.  The instructions consist of two pages. The Federal Reserve is audited. The move saves American taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax revenue.

6.    Hillary Clinton is in jail, where she belongs.  Her cell is directly
across from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton who are serving time for ‘Hate Crimes.”  She bitches at them constantly from behind the bars of her cell in what some might call cruel and unusual punishment.

7.    Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he belongs.  His room is directly across from Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews and Al Franken.  They meet for tea every day at ten and discuss the success and benefits of Communism and Socialism throughout the world.  They also wonder when the “Mothership” is going to pick them up and return them to their home planets.

8.    Windows 12 is released.  It is designed for humans, doesn’t try to
satisfy the needs of every person on the planet, doesn’t require a degree in nuclear physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7 except it is easier to use.

9.    Barack Obama flees the United States under cover of darkness and returns to his homeland of Kenya before his trial for treason begins.  He deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip.  It was reported that he was last seen wandering through the jungle singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp named Commie.

10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a new cholesterol and fat free pepperoni that tastes just like regular pepperoni.

11. Not to be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and fat free cheeses that taste just like regular cheese.

12. A committee is not established to determine what is causing global cooling.  Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved.

14. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in Chicago, a huge blow for the Democrat Party in the State of Illinois.

15. I receive a call from an attorney in Ireland.  He explains that I have inherited a brewery and coastal estate in Ireland from a distant relative and that I need to be in Dublin as soon as possible to sign the papers.  Ten hours later we tour our new vacation home.  There is a red Ferrari in the garage, also part of the inheritance.

 

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I took down my Rebel Flag (Which you can’t buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.  Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I’ve never felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month.

Sad, but true in this now “politically correct” society.

 

1670

 

The real meaning of “I’ve got your back.” If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this picture is priceless!
I’ll bet no one will go over and shake him to awaken him.
Picture of a soldier sleeping during an airport layover with his canine partner.

There is no measure of loyalty greater than that shown here.

Sleep soundly soldier.

A worthy goal in life is to be as good a person as your dog thinks you are!

God bless our Military men and women and God Bless America!

FREEDOM IS BETTER THAN FREE STUFF

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1

a49

a50

a51

a52

a53

 

106

 

9w

 

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9x

 

1673

 

1

Innuendo

Insanity Wood

Insanity

insanity

Insanity2

Insanity3

Okay, so most of those were a bit dark!  We need humor!

 

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9y

 

1675

 

 

9z

 

1676

 

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Today’s Last Word is an excellent essay written by our own Tom of the Northwest.  Thanks Tom, your words are expressing our opinion very eloquently.

    I have asked myself and others the same question many times. Is congress and are the American people blinded by stupidity, ignorance, or is it something else? I don’t have the answer, only my own thoughts and ideas. Only a very few, around 6% of the population seem to believe that we are on the right track. I think the truth is, 100% know where we are going, but many are afraid to admit the truth.
    We have a so called leader who promised to “fundamentally transform this country.” Well, he has stayed true to his words. The relations, feelings and yes, hatred between Black and White people has not been so evident and outrageous since the 1960’s. This piece of human garbage has brought back the violence, riots, hatred and fear that most of us had forgotten, or was never experienced by the younger population. Along with that he has managed to start a war against our police who are sworn to protect all of us.
    Obama has managed to destroy our relations and trust with foreign countries. Our closest ally in the Middle East was Israel and now their leader is very leery of us to say the least. Our so called leader refuses to acknowledge the fact that the world is in danger because of radial Islamic terrorists. Why? Because he is one of them! Yes, it is true and the evidence is crystal clear, yet we are blinded by the media and propaganda. Or, is congress and others living in fear of this monster who has the power to destroy them?
    Obama has claimed to be a Christian. Listen to the words that come directly from his own mouth here; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsUJ2wu0iX4&feature=player_embedded then think about it.
 
    Why all the refugees? Simple, the red line in Syria was crossed and Obama did nothing about it because he created it to cause the problem. He made the statement that “ISIS is contained”. Well, Barack, if that statement is true the refugee’s should be safe to return home. Yet you still want to bring them here for us to support. You very well know that your statement is false, like most of what you spew from your filthy mouth. Many of these people are young, healthy, strong young men who are able to fight. So what do we do? Bring these people here to the United States and give them everything while our own young men and women go to fight and die for them. When will it end? It will not end until the American people wake up and take a strong stand against this madman!
    I say that not one dollar should go to these countries that support terrorism. Obama has sent billions to them. These foreign mobsters use our money to attack and kill us. The people in many or most of these counties live in poverty and fear while their leaders prosper and murder freedom loving men, women and helpless children. This horrible group of human scum rapes children, tortures men and women and beheads them every single day! And our own president supports them.  I say, stop sending money and send what the people need. Food, medical supplies and clothing only. And see that the needy receive it.
 
    You need to open your eyes and ears people! Stop this insane behavior that is rampant across our country. Every single American is partly responsible for what is being allowed to take place and should be ashamed by letting it happen. End the blame game and sorry excuses. We MUST stand up and let Washington and the world know who we are and what we believe in!
 
Tom, proud to be an American. Ashamed of my government. How about you?
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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1463

  1. Ginny says:

    This issue was filled with all sorts of goodies. I must say, the dead fish was making me feel like flipping my cookies and I didn’t see any wires either. I prefer my food to either MOO or CLUCK personally. The 3 guys from the Lions Club were too funny. The one on the right side in the lime green shirt is Paul K9’s double. I loved THE PERFECT DAY ON 1/20/17. Tom did a great job on the LAST WORD SECTION and many will agree with him as I do!

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