Dragon Laffs #1460


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Good Morning Campers

Lots and lots of stuff in today’s issue.  Stuff to make you laugh, stuff to make you say hmm, stuff to amaze and entertain you.

I’m working very LONG shifts this weekend, so I don’t have a lot of time to stay here in the campground and talk.  I’ll let you guys get right to it!

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Now, before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let’s tune in to where we left off with our winged hero.  As you may recall, he was just notified of something untoward happening back at headquarters.

As Impish winged his way toward DL/LL HQ his thought process worked almost as furiously as his slowly beating wings. The Gunny had said FPCON CHARLIE so that meant the attack was imminent or in progress.  And since he mentioned fatalities, it meant that upon receipt of the message the attack had already started, it didn’t sound like things had gone well for them, and after this much time had passed, it could now even be over. That meant Lethal was likely to be in a horrendously foul and seething mood as he tended to view and take such events as personal affronts. He was already mad over the miniature green whoopee cushion with his likeness and the words ‘little green fart’ on them that Impish had managed to obtain from that novelty items sales guy he had run into just before he had left on vacation.
That was bad enough on top of this but now Impish was faced with admitting to Lethal that he had been sand bagged into taking a meeting with those Disney Movie Execs about playing a dragon in an upcoming remake of one of their movies.
As the twin mountains loomed in the distance he mused briefly about the possibility of somehow getting Lethal into the protection circle inside one of those Magical Containment Chambers before he told him about it. He needed to find out more about those and if they’d help shield him from his sure to be angry Leprechaun Agent. His ponderings of this tactic were suddenly interrupted by a voice in his head…
 
WARNING! Multiple ground based air defense radars detected. In range of strongest in 10 miles.”
 
“Huh? What? Who are you?”
 
Warning! Short Range surface to air missile lock!  3 miles to missile release. Take evasive action now!”
 
As Impish folds his wings and dives for tree top level A sudden sharp tingling in both his earlobes causes him to remember his nearly forgotten D.R.A.G.O.N. earrings.
 
“Ahhh…Activate Communications DL/LL HQ frequency?”
 
A brief bust of static is followed by an angry voice. “Unknown air contact bearing 2-4-0 at 8 miles you have entered an NOTAMS posted restricted area! Reverse your course immediately and remain a minimum of 20 miles radial from these mountains or identify yourself for clearance. This is your final warning.”
 
“Uhhh… DL-LL Control from Dragon One, sorry about that I was in such a hurry I forgot proper procedure for Condition Charlie. On approach at 8 miles request vector to my office terrace?”
 
“Contact bearing 2-4-0 at 8 miles Dragon Control: Turn right 9-0 degrees and hold relative position for identity verification.”
 
“Look, I’m late my phone was dead, I need to see what’s going on ASAP I don’t have time for…”
 
“Turn right 9-0 degrees and hold immediately or you run the risk of severe health implications Turn now.”
 
As Impish starts a slow bank to comply he retorts “I’m a Dragon who is thinking about biting you’re head off literally, human how severe can your ‘health implications possibly be to me.”
 
“Try terminal spent uranium poisoning on for size wise guy. BREAK! Security, I have an uncooperative contact bearing 230 designating as Hostile One.”
 
As Impish is about to rip off a retort his ear lobes tingle briefly and the familiar voice of No-name is in his head. “ KNOCK IT OFF-KNOCK IT OFF-KNOCK IT OFF! All defense units stand down! Contact ID confirmed. New designation VIP- Dragon One Actual. Dragon One- possible damage to your preferred primary landing area from attack. Suggest you vector two one niner and maintain your present altitude for guest helipad landing. You will be met by Shamrock Actual. Dragon One Acknowledge.”
 
“Dragon One has clear copy on all. Changing course to two-one-niner and descending to tree top level.” Impish feels a tingle in one earlobe and turns away from it until it stops and switches to the other. Correcting for his over steer now both are silent. Shortly he starts to sees signs of the attack. Snapped off trees, gore and fabric filled branches. One particular tall pine seems to be adorned with an Old fashioned Red Bellman’s Cap trimmed in gold braid. Here and there in to forest wisps of foul smelling smoke curl up.
 
As he makes ready to land  his senses are assaulted by his first look at their Corporate HQ. In spots, small intense fires still burn while crews work diligently to put them out. The Mountain itself is riddled with scorched pockmarks and there are craters where he thinks several of Lethal’s defensive emplacements might have been. Emplacements that he no longer considers testaments to the Leprechaun’s paranoia but now instead to his foresight and cautiousness. The parking area is littered with burnt and still smoldering vehicles. Opaque white plastic sheets cover many small objects as men in Hazmat and/or fire suits seem to be executing CBRNE protocols on what is under them. Finally just before he flairs out for his landing in the helipad’s circle he catches sight of two orange body bags, one adult sized and one child size off to one side that appear to be under guard.
 
Impish changes into Mini Blue as soon as he lands. Once he does, Terrance runs out to him with a cigar, a cup of coffee, his back up cellphone and a Bluetooth headset. Accepting these things with a wordless nod of thanks as he surveys the scene, he allows himself to be lead by Terrance surrounded in the company of 4 DL/LL Security in Body Armor and carrying Riot shields to where Lethal stands outside a mobile command trailer he last saw in his Campground the morning he returned and all this started. Before he can even say anything Lethal turns to the trailer and calls out “Brighid he’s here, is it ready?”
 
From inside the trailer he hears a faint but lyrically musical ‘Yes mo grouch beag glas! Beidh mé ceart amach leis é.” A split second later the same voice that warned him of the missile lock is in his head again translating what he heard to Yes my little green grouch! I’ll be right out with it’
 
Impish almost drowns in his own drool before he remembers to swallow as a long-legged, curvaceous, very fit vixen dressed in leather, side laced to the waist pants, which offered proof of her being commando under them, a leather halter vest, bracers covering most of her forearms and knee high boots with 4″ heels, steps out of the trailer. Her thick, vibrant, Auburn hair is worn in a single braid doubled back and tied up at the base of her neck. On her back she wears a quiver to which is fastened a very large long bow. Over her other shoulder appears to be Impish’s Secret Agent 44-DD mission vest. She tosses it as though it were made of paper to him.
 
Lethal directs him some what worriedly to hurry up put it on.
 
“Are you kidding this is meant for Big Blue I’ll swim in it!”
 
Brighid scowls at him and grunts out three words in English that hit him with the the force of thunder “You. On. Now!”
 
As Impish scrambles to get it on, a smirking Lethal continues conversationally, “Everything good now with Mrs. D?”
 
From with in the pile of material Impish can be distantly heard “Yup worked just like you said it would. Having that conversation before we got Izzy and our fake ‘I’ll handle my women butt out’ spate had the exact effect you said it would. I think she smelled your hand in it but five minutes after she got Izzy aside and pumped her for information, she believed the entire thing. I got to hand it to you- the entire explanation was so short so simple and so believable that I didn’t even have to try to sell it I just offered it up and it sold itself. I can’t believe you came up with the whole thing on the fly and pulled it off in under an hour. Guess all that stuff they say about the Blarney Stone and the gift of gab is true.”
 
Lethal addresses Impish now visible through the neck of the vest head. “Didn’t have much of a choice. I got you into that spot so I had to get you out. Failing at doing so wasn’t an option for me.”
 
Impish starts to respond but is suddenly startled as the vest begins shrinking and adjusting to fit his (somewhat) diminutive Lil Blue size. “Hey! I thought this was dry clean only! Who stuck it in hot water?”
 
“It’s had a couple upgrades thanks to Wizard Dresden and Brighid. There is an extra inside layer of protection against most spells now and because its been re-stitched with magical thread as well, it will adjust automatically to fit any of your forms. From now on you don’t leave home or your office with out it! For any reason! Period!”
 
“Why does that make me think I’m still not up to speed here?”
That seems like a good place to leave off….for now….maybe we can get a little more in before the end of today’s issue.

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Later in the issue, we will have some “cartoons” that demonstrate and poke fun at our current administrations ability to govern properly.  But, before we get to that, I have to share this article with you that Jean sent into us.

7 Mind-blowing technologies the US government has made illegal

As a child, I was always told by my parents that somewhere, somehow there were evil companies that were secretly suppressing technology that would make life better. Hidden in a vault in some corporate HQ were pieces of paper containing things like the cure to cancer, cars that ran on water and Little Debbies that instantly made people skinny with just a few bites.

As a much more cynical teenager, I decided that it would be impossible in a free society for companies, no matter how large, to suppress powerful technology – especially when you have many companies in the same field dealing with the same technology. Heck, millions of dollars were spent by companies to keep pizzas hot while they delivered them to you.

Then, as an adult, I discovered the real truth – there are plenty of amazing things that are out there that can’t be brought to the market due to simple government over-regulation. Just like MTV killed rock ‘n roll, federal regulations are doing a good job of killing ingenuity.

Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can’t win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you’re just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man, oh, you don’t know the Man. He’s everywhere. In the White House… down the hall… Ms. Mullins, she’s the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, he’s burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock ‘n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don’t waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome ’cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul.
Jack Black – School of Rock

So, here is our list of 7amazing technologies that are illegal right here in the U.S.

#7 – Fuel-Efficient Cars

“Oh, come on now, we have fuel efficient cars! My Focus gets 38 miles per gallon!”

That will be the first angry email or comment I get from this entire article. I’ve been told this line by many people about their Focus, Prius or Insight.

FORD-FIESTA-ECONETIC-02 (Small)Yet somehow, for the most part the United States has seemingly gone backwards in terms of fuel economy for vehicles. Back in the 80s and early 90s, it was possible to find a vehicle that would produce nearly 50mpg in real-world performance. Vehicles like the Metro, Sprinter and CRX. Up until recently, VW still put out a few vehicles that would get over 50mpg, but since the EPA has changed laws against diesel, VW no longer has much interest in producing fuel-efficient diesels here in the US.

The proof of fuel efficient cars built in other countries isn’t too hard to find. VW Makes the Passat 1.6 TDI which blows any US made car out of the water with an average of 76 miles per gallon utilizing the UK’s version of fuel efficiency testing. If this vehicle would be brought to the US and driven, MPG ratings would likely be much higher. The method used in England uses primarily urban driving without any miles given to long distance highways, the kind that 60% of Americans utilize every day. Using some simple fuel saving methods and longer roadway usage, the TDI could get up to 80 or even 90 miles per imperial gallon when in use on this side of the pond.

It isn’t just European automakers. America’s own Ford produces the ECOnetic,which is a variation of the Fiesta for the European market. It boasts a combined MPG rating of 74 to 76 miles per gallon. It, however can not be produced – or even imported to the United States due to strict “environmental laws” (For some reason, using one petroleum distillate like diesel is barbaric, while gasoline somehow is much better).

So, as it stands now, we’re stuck with underwhelming performers like the Prius and other hybrid abominations until someone does something to overturn EPA rules on diesel, or NHTSA rules regarding smaller, light weight cars. Maybe while we’re at it, we could finally let companies use advanced composites to build cars and replace mandated steel.

#6 – Outer Space

We LOVE space (hence the website name). However, as it stands right now, there are absolutely monumental restrictions for private individuals as well as companies to go to space.

Recently, many videos have been appearing on Youtube where people send different things “To Space” by way of hydrogen balloon lifting a cooler. Some examples are here, here and here. They are great examples of the ingenuity of Americans who want to send things to the upper atmosphere and claim some fame.maxresdefault

The sad thing is…Every one of these cases that we can find is illegal. In order to send a cooler to space, you need clearance from the FAA to go above a certain altitude. There are also MANY restrictions on things such as radio wave emission, altitude and many other things. In reality, the vast majority of these civilian balloon ‘space shots’ are illegal. Thankfully the FAA hasn’t fined anyone…Yet, but eventually it will happen, ending everyone’s fun. One great example of someone getting fined by the FAA for this very thing was the man who attached balloons to a chair and flew up to 15,000 feet – Larry Walters. Poor Larry was fined $4,000 for not having the proper permits. Far more than his 15 minutes of fame gained him.

It gets worse though. Not only are civilians not allowed to send things like an Iphone or beer to space, but private space companies are becoming the target of overwhelmingly tough legislation.

The worst example is SpaceX. The company that is in the forefront of commercial space development is coming under more scrutiny by the US government. In the forefront is the odd requirements to “Human Rate” equipment. Based on some recent statements by NASA, they want SpaceX capsules (like the Dragon)  to be 100 to 200 times more reliable than the absolute best space vehicles that NASA can produce. This is quite absurd, and if things don’t change will make it much harder for space to be commercialized. Can you imagine the federal government mandating that all new cars be 100 times safer? It’s practically impossible, and therefore essentially makes such a thing illegal.

#5 – Cheap, Reliable Meltdown Proof Nuclear Reactors

Imagine that some day, the world no longer has a need for additional electricity generation. No more brownouts or blackouts, electricity has become immensely cheap to produce. This energy is produced by something extremely clean and abundant, in fact the United States has the capacity to power the world for the next thousand years.

Now , imagine that this technology was almost perfected in the late 1960s and 1970s but put on the shelf due to government regulations.

Unlike a typical nuclear power plant that Utilizes enriched Uranium as its primary fuel source. LFTRs produce almost no hazardous waste and are meltdown proof. Not only do they not produce significant amounts of radioactive waste, they can actually burn the waste generated from current nuclear power plants as the source.  The little amount of waste that is produced has a phenomenally short half life – 30.7 years. This compared to the half life of U-238 which is 24,000 years is an amazing thing. As an added bonus, there is some economic value to the byproducts of LFTRs (Cesium 137 and Strontium 90) that virtually no waste would need to be buried or otherwise disposed of, it could be used for beneficial purposes.420px-PressurizedWaterReactor

Finally, the most important thing is that thorium is cheap and readily available in the United States. In fact, we’ve got enough to power the world for a very long time. Thorium is so cheap that you can find it at your local WalMart or Harbor Freight. They currently use it as wicking for camp stoves and for welding. The alpha particles it emits are almost harmless (That is unless you readily eat the stuff) so you don’t have to worry about some sort of cancer from exposure.

While LFTRs aren’t completely illegal to build (yet) the government has made them for all purposes impossible to build. Right now, anyone wanting to develop one is likely to spend $10 billion dollars in planning, permits and pre-construction costs before even being approved by the government. Let’s be serious, who would spend that kind of money for a ‘Maybe’ from the federal government?

One article reader provided some great thoughts on the PRISM reactor which is a bit different than the LFTR. Instead of being a thorium-based reactor, it is something called a Integral Fast Reactor. The Clinton administration canceled the IFR project that was underway and left it for “Private companies to accomplish”. Sadly, even though Hitachi has developed a IFR for use in the United States. The NRC is overly dragging their feat on it. Requiring massive, and almost unattainable expenses to build it.

It seems the UK will be deploying one in the near future, but there is no plan to deploy one at any time in the future. From current estimates, the UK reactor will be able to provide 600mw of continual output for OVER 500 years. Running on nothing but nuclear waste.

#4 – Long Range WiFi

Ever get tired of dropped wifi coverage? How about the fact that your wifi router can barely make it through a few walls before the signal is almost useless.

Interestingly enough, with a quick firmware upgrade of most wireless routers, this can be fixed. By increasing power by a reasonable amount, you can get quite a bit more range from your personal wifi router.

Unfortunately, this is quite illegal.

Sadly, WiFi routers in the USA are limited to a total of 1 watt of effective radiated power (ERP).

Sure, it’s important to be safe with microwave energy (which is what all wifi routers emit) however 1 watt ERP is almost nothing. With a $25 amateur radio license, magically the government seems to think that a person is capable of handling 200 times this output.

In some cases, off the shelf, highly effective antennas make a run of the mill router highly illegal. I don’t know about you, but I figure it would be nice if it was legal to have a router that could make it through two or three walls before becoming completely impotent.

#3 – Cheap Drugs That Don’t Kill People

We really don’t want to put on a hemp sweater, wear patchouli cologne or live on a organic farm, but let’s be serious for a minute about drugs in the US.
There are MANY types of medicinal herbs that are illegal in the US that have amazingly great uses that they shouldn’t be ignored. However the government has decided to make as many as illegal as possible.

The number one of course is marijuana.

Naturally occurring, extraordinarily easy to grow marijuana can replace over 150 various prescription drugs.

We could post the whole list here, but the two BIGGEST things ailments that this weed can treat are : Autism and Migraines

 

180px-Cannabis_PlantYes, autism can be treated with good ‘ol pot. Maybe Cheech and Chong were on to something, but more and more reports are coming in about the amazing effects of treating severe autism cases with this naturally occurring weed. Take for instance one a well known autism advocate, Mieko Hester-Perez. Her child was near death from severe autism. At age 10, her son was  down to a mere 46 pounds. She had tried every single prescription drug that was available, at a extreme financial cost. Then she tried something radical – marijuana.

She started to feed her child small doses of  marijuana in things like cookies and brownies. Suddenly her severely autistic child started to act normal. Something that no drug on the market (or in trial for that matter) could do. He started to gain weight and started to show amazing intellect. Free of tics and other things that would normally scar a child afflicted with autism.  After a while, her ‘dealer’ was arrested, and her supply of pot dried up. The child quickly went back to severe ticks, becoming completely uncontrollable. The severe proof was there – A few milligrams of pot every 2 to 3 days did more than a bouquet of drugs multiple times per day.

In addition to marijuana, there are several other naturally organic plants that have medicinal value, that are also highly illegal. Some Psychedelic mushrooms can treat OCD and Cluster headaches. Coca extract is a extremely effective Topical Anesthetic as well as a laxative and also treats motion sickness.

To further prove a point about the absurdity of regulations against plants. Another case and point would be the FDA’s attempt to regulate walnuts.

Yes, that’s right, walnuts.

A company called Diamond recently ran a advertising campaign on the health benefits of walnuts. The FDA wasn’t too happy about this and decided that it wanted to regulate walnuts as a drug. If they would have went through with the plan, walnuts would have been highly regulated, requiring permits to sell and made it difficult to buy.

In the end, through massive public outrage, the FDA settled and did not regulate walnuts, instead settling for a massive lawsuit against Diamond which resulted in them being unable to say that “Walnuts are healthy”.

So, why are naturally occurring weeds that could improve life for many people at phenomenally cheap prices illegal? We don’t know, but they are.

 

#2 – Converting nuclear waste to energy

One of the most regular arguments I see by individuals who hate nuclear energy is “What do we do with the waste!” Common knowledge seems to dictate that all nuclear reactors generate mountains of highly radioactive waste each year, all of which is impossible to deal with and will be toxic for tens of thousands of years.

220px-LaufwellenreaktorThe thing about this statement is if you truly think about the problem, you’d likely come to a different conclusion than the standard ‘common knowledge’ about nuclear power. If nuclear power plants use enriched, highly radioactive nuclear fuel to make energy, then why is the nuclear waste which is still radioactive not used?

Well, the answer is pretty simple – In the US it’s actually illegal to do anything with nuclear waste other than to bury it. (Thanks Jimmy Carter).

Outside of the US, it isn’t true. France has repeatedly asked for the US to sell them our nuclear fuel. Yes, that’s right, the fuel we’re literally spending billions of dollars on to bury in the ground could be sold to another country. France has much nicer, newer reactors as compared to what the US has, and many of their reactors can use lower quality fuel (The stuff our reactors put out as waste). This results in extraordinarily minimal waste in the nuclear process.

To take it a step further, a company in the US called TerraPower is building something called a traveling-wave reactor. This kind of reactor not only would burn virtually all radioactive waste and convert it to electricity, but it also can take completely un-enriched uranium and plutonium and convert it to power. A truly mindblowing technology when they complete their project. As a side note, Bill Gates is one of their biggest investors as he feels it could supply poor countries with extraordinarily cheap, clean electricity.

There’s just one problem with the wave reactor too. It’s illegal in the US because it could burn the waste too!

#1 – Carbon Nanotubes

Out of all these technologies listed, none would impact every single human being. Not everyone drives a car, not everyone uses wifi and not every person needs access to pot.

CNTs , or Carbon Nano Tubes would radically alter the life of every human being on earth.
What are carbon nano-tubes? They are exactly what the name suggests – Small tubes made of carbon. These little things have a amazingly long laundry list of feats. They can produce batteries that almost never run out, body armor that would never break, 
real life powered armor (like the kind Ripley used in Aliens) and ships that could never sink. Car bodies that can not be damaged from wrecks, clothes that never wear out and buildings that can be built to any height.

In the forefront of the uses though is the immense ability of CNTs to be utilized to produce batteries. In some early testing, batteries produced by CNTs are so energy dense, that a small 1 cubic foot block battery would store enough energy for a car to drive over TWO THOUSAND MILES on a single charge (Source #1, Source #2,Source #3). On top of that, the batteries can be charged near instantly, taking as much power as can be provided to the batteries.Kohlenstoffnanoroehre_Animation

CNTs would make any renewable technology like wind or solar instantly viable as energy storage is one of the largest hurdles with such technologies.

Sadly, the viability window for CNTs is already 10 to 20 years away. They can be produced, but are immensely expensive (About 20 million dollars for a vehicle battery). However costs every few years decrease by half. In the early 90s, such a battery would have cost nearly 1 billion dollars.

Now, with carbon nano tubes on the horizon, our own EPA is worried that there’s a chance that they could cause cancer (Source #2).

So, before anyone has heard of this world-altering technology, the government is already researching ways that they could make it illegal. Some government bureaucrats want to put it in the same risk category as PCBs and asbestos!

 

In the end, we’re not against all governmental regulation. We do however feel that the limitations are becoming increasingly absurd and is stifling human growth. To add to this, the United States isn’t the only country who is actively regulating ground breaking technologies or making obscure laws. Recently the EU stated that it is illegal to claim that water can cure dehydration. They have also effectively outlawed incandescent lighting, and the facebook “Like” button.

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Okay, I know for a FACT, that our Baileigh knows each and every one of these:

Mind Games for Dogs…

1.  After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!

 Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime.

 2.  Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.  (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

 3.  Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

 4.  Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’.  Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

 5.  When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

 6.  Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

 7.  Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

 8.  When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

 

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red-dragon

This is a multi-benefit exercise program.  Our security personnel, obviously, get really good exercise by not allowing themselves to be eaten, while the dragon learns patience and to pace himself.  We really don’t want the dragons to eat our security people, but the security people don’t need to know that.

 

Shame on you

 

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Amen! 

 

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Ted is sounding more and more presidential every time I hear or read about him.

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There  I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when  a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to   me,  grabs my drink and gulps it down in one  swig.  

 “Well, what are you gonna do  about it?” he says,menacingly, as I burst into  tears.

 “Come on, man,” the biker  says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to  see a man crying.”

 “This is the worst day of my  life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

 When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.  

 “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.  I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!”

 But, hell, enough about me.  

 How are you doing?”

 

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I couldn’t help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy:  “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says , “Man I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.  She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day,​I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.  He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

“Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that shit.”

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Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get
 out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If
 you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to
 marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid
 marks.

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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes.
 Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

 

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7aFiremen and police from all over joined in a “team effort” to rescue a young girl stuck in a steel fence.

Firemen from all over, attended the scene and in all 12 vehicles & forty five emergency personnel were involved.
It took several hours to extract her from her predicament.  ‘This was a pretty tricky rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the steel fence.’
 
Though painful, the girl’s entrapment was never life threatening, it did take a great deal of careful planning & a lot of gentle handling to safely extract her.
 
She was taken to the local hospital where she was examined and later released bruised but unharmed.
 
Poor little thing, this picture just about broke my heart …….
God bless those police & firemen. Heroes, every one of them!
 
We seldom give our public servants enough credit for the job they do!

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Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
 menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get
 to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

 

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Ginny has blessed us with a great list of things that men are like.  Now, some of these I agree wholeheartedly with, and some of the others….well….not so much.  But, I leave it up to you to figure out which are which.  So, here we go…

Men Are Like…
Men are like…Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate
much interest.
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Men are like…Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
look silly.
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Men are like…Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
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Men are like…Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.
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Men are like…Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
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Men are like…Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
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Men are like…Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
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Men are like…High heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
*
Men are like…Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually
wrong.
*
Men are like…Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
*
Men are like…Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
*
Men are like…Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store
or the bathroom.
*
Men are like…Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
*
Men are like…Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them

 

1640

 

coollogo_com-199371414

Be Mindful

Blow Dry

Fetishes

Hostage

hotel pool

 

6v

And that, sadly, is the absolute truth!

 

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

6u

So now, let’s continue our story….
“Because apparently the Leprechaun is right. He said not to let the goofy look on your face and easily distracted attitude fool me that you were smarter than you appeared.” Impish hears after the translator does its job
 
Now just look here sister! I’ll not stand for some leather biker.b…OOW! Lethal! Stop jumping up and down on my toes! What the hell is wrong with you?”
 
(In a very officious tone) “Draconian Ambassador Impish Dragon, may I present Brighid, one of the Tuatha Dé Danann and daughter of the Dagda High King of the Tuatha De Danann. Also, some Irish Catholics believe she is also Saint Brigid. Brighid of the Tuatha Dé Danann, I present The Draconian Realm’s Ambassador to the Mundane World and trusted advisor to Queen Tiamat on all things Mundane, Impish Dragon.”
 
Official manners are made and the Diplomatic niceties observed on both sides for several minutes.
 
Lethal clears his throat just as the signs Impish is readying himself to go into his ‘lounge lizard pick up mode’ start to appear. He is rewarded in his attempt to have his friends life spared when both return their attention to him. “Impish you’re quite right you are not up to date and we’ve little time to get you so thanks to your phone being dead..again. Last night being Devil’s Night and down right foul and stormy the Eryl King thought it an excellent night to let loose the Wyld Hunt for a bit of exercise and excitement. I was invited to go along as was Brighid. Kringle- who sends his regards by the by, and Herne the Hunter rounded out our party. We’d not been out yet quite 2 hours when I got news we were under attack and that the attackers were inside the inner perimeter assaulting our close in defenses. When I broke off to leave Brighid & Herne offered their aid which I gratefully accepted. Kringle and the Eryl King started turning the Wyld Hunt around to come at the attackers from the rear. Largely thanks to the four of them and the intervention of someone I’ve not heard of or from since we temporally shut down a certain other endeavor who I found here somehow upon my arrival we were not only successful in defending the mountains but giving them a severe and I hope costly drubbing in the process.”
 
Brighid chuckles “Most fun at target practice I’ve had in a century or more!  Herne was having so much fun he was actually laughing out loud while on the hunt. We both would dearly love a rematch against your mysterious friend in the..night camo I think its called as well. Impressive shooting skills that one and cool as the North Sea under fire was he. You really should learn who was behind the cowardly attack and taunt them to try again. What is that ritual phrase they say in this day? “Come at me bro?” Yes, you should really invite them to come at you again Leprechaun, so there a can be more fun. Your legend as a host will grow greatly, not that it is a small thing now but in truth this tops anything in the last 50 years you’ve done.”
 
Impish mouth slightly agape as he looks around briefly wondering worriedly what the Tuatha Dé Danann would consider an all out rollicking, bring the house down, epic time. “I heard something about fatalities?” He gestures towards the body bags. “Those ours? Is that all of them?”
 
“Fatalities there were yes. As to those being ours, that one is still to be decided in one case, no in the other and our once certain fatality is…” He spares the largest of the fires still being fought, “apparently irrecoverable.”
 
Impish looks where Lethal stares sadly, “Who?’
 
“Gregorvich the Grim, a Gnome. He was manning a chain gun battery when it got hit from three sides with incendiaries. Burnt right through the armor and hit the magazine before he could even get to the fire suppression or ejections switches. Not that fire suppression would have done any good, I saw it cook off about 2 minutes after it happened and it didn’t even phase the fire.”
 
As Lethal has been speaking he’d been walking towards the body bags with Impish and Brighid silently in tow surrounded by a phalanx of CyberLethals with Riot Shields. Lethal reaches down to the child size bag and begins to unzip it as Impish steels him self for the sight of a dead child only to be shocked and relieved when the first thing he sees is a long bushy beard come into view.
 
“A dwarf? Aren’t they usually part of the inside security forces? What’s he doing way out here? Better yet who is he? He sort of looks familiar, not that he has much of a face left but I’m sure he’s not one of ours. What’s with the weird harness and those funny epaulets he’s wearing?”
 
“The harness was apparently something he contrived as part of his exfiltration plan. We think part of the reason for the attack was to provide cover for his retrieval. He looks familiar because you have seen him before. Several weeks ago on a Saturday morning. In the mine? Probably at or near the hydraulics for the stage lift? This is our phantom fire starting dwarf. Our mysterious guest made from, what I’m told was, a standing position 200 meter head shot on a flying target in the dark in the rain which passed through the dwarf’s skull and took out his mythical ride as well.”
 
“Who the hell do we know that shoots like that, much less goes around attired in Urban Camo? Uhhh wait…this guy….is he a friend of that Mr. Grey guy?  Real hard ass?”
 
Lethal nods and he works his way around to the other body bag, “His name is Mr. Shade. As to his unflappability under fire, it’s rumored when they need to give him a transfusion they have to use run off from a glacier to chill the blood so his body will take it. They claim his heart is the temp of artic ice, though many say this is impossible since he’s the worlds only living heart donor.
 
Either way he’s one cool customer under fire and not someone I ever want angry at me and behind a scope. Man is an artist with an M-14 and a vest full of loaded 15 round clips for it. I’d have to guess at least a third of the other bodies bare the mark of a 30 cal’s kiss in the head or center mass.”
 
At this Brighid scowls, spits and grumbles “It wasn’t a fair contest, both Herne and I ran out of arrows before he ran out of bullets.” She shivers and blushes slightly before continuing, “Still there is something very attractive about a mortal with that level of battle prowess. I look forward to making his acquaintance again…soon.”
 
With that Lethal unzips the other body bag. To his horror Impish recognizes this one. “That’s Vivica with the Velvet Touch. She was one of my virgins and also my masseuse. Oh the poor thing! How’d she die?” Lethal unzips the bag further and Impish sees the unmistakable wound from a shotgun slug in her chest.
 
“Vivica was our mole Impish. She is the reason the air attack was able to get so close before any alarm could be sounded. When No-name’s brother No-Body made it to the security room she’d just finished using a straight razor on the on duty man after he stopped responding to the ministrations of her Velvet Touch. She had stuffed it half way down his throat to keep him from crying out while he bled out. She got No-body twice good before he was able to fend her off and grab the shotgun to put her down.”
 
The look in Impish’s eyes can only be described as sorrowful and sick. ”Thhh…th…this is all on me then isn’t it? You spent a lot of time and money on protecting us and I undid it all for a lousy backrub.”
 
“DUDE! Pity party of one your reservation is canceled.” He gestures to Brighid who is closer to the teary-eyed Impish who promptly and smartly whacks Impish in the back of the head hard enough to send his cigar flying a good five feet making even Lethal wince in sympathy. “This isn’t on anyone. It is what it is. Trust me when I say that what we got attacked by was no place in the contingency plans of those 6 binders in my office. No place. Never even discussed in jest. Come here and see for yourself.”
 
Lethal walks over to the nearest sheet and pulls it back. The first thing Impish sees is the tips of a pair of bat wings, the back of a brown furred head and pointed ears. “I thought we had a contingency for giant bats- both Vampire and Shrieking versions?”
Lethal says nothing, and continues to walk down the length of the body pulling the sheet after him as he goes. Impish next sees a red velvet bellman’s jacket which it tailored to all for the wings and cut to waist length to accommodate…a tail? He kicks at the body to roll it over after a glance at Lethal to make sure its safe to do so. Once rolled over Impish is presented with the remains what appears to be a giant spider monkey on steroids sporting a small, likely .30 caliber hole pretty close to where its heart should be.
 
“Flying monkeys? We were attacked by a flock of flying monkeys?! Did OZ declare war on us? Lethal I SWEAR I’ve never been anywhere even NEAR OZ!”
 
Lethal nods, “I know you haven’t, I checked.” He smiles grimly, sort of puts that last image we saw right before the crystal ball blew up in an entirely new light though doesn’t it?”
 
Impish’s eyes widen at the implication of Lethal’s observation. Suddenly he spins around and marches to the nearest Hazmat suited CBRNE worker looks at the clip board the guy is holding asks a couple questions then swiftly returns to where Lethal stands. “So this, all of this incendiary damage…it’s organically based?”
 
Lethal nods “Magically assisted or enhanced, which ever you prefer, but yes its starts out as a purely organic waste byproduct.’
 
“You mean we were attacked by….with what…?”
 

Lethal nods. “Yup.  We got attacked with Flying Flaming Monkey Feces on Devil’s Night. You do sort of have to give her begrudging props for going with a reinvented form of a classic prank”

6

And that’s where we’ll leave off for today.

Wednesday is Veteran’s Day, so do not expect a continuation of our story line until next Saturday.  And until then, be well, be happy and be safe.

1a

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1460

  1. Ginny says:

    You weren’t kidding about all the good “STUFF” in this issue. Sorry to hear you are working all weekend…but you gave us plenty to laff about all weekend.

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