Dragon Laffs #1459


halloween

Good Morning Campers,

Lots of information to impart and very little time to do it.  It is very late Friday night and due to our family vacation, this is very last minute.  But, no worries, it will be a full issue, and since we are all still at the Halloween Party, not many of you are going to be in shape tomorrow morning to get much out of it anyway.

Well, the issue is jam packed full of Halloween humor, a lot of it thanks to Lethal Leprechaun, who, as usual, had my six the whole time I was gone and worked diligently to help me out.

First of all, a reminder…
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Tis Daylight Savings Time’s end for another year.  You get an extra hour of sleep Sunday.  You’ll find several more reminders throughout the issue, just to remind you.

Okay, so one quick picture of the Dragon Family on vacation and we’ll move on…
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So, I was only kidding.  Here’s a real one:

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Yup, that’s almost the whole family.  The only ones missing are Papa Dragon and his lovely wife.  So, sorry.  Can’t show anymore.  No time.  Gotta get back to the party.

so…

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Let’s start out with a great site sent to me by Lethal Leprechaun…

Meet Donald Trumpkin and more famous Pumpkins
http://www.click2houston.com/lifestyle/meet-donald-trumpkin-and-more-famous-pumpkins/36082424

 

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous:

Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day, at the Gwinnet County, Georgia courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: ‘As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,’ he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin  that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in  it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

“Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure;’ said Deputy Taylor, ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin’.

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. ‘I said: “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: “A pumpkin? Shit . . . is it midnight already?”

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line ever.”

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And here’s another one from LL…pumpkin carving ideas

 

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When I see a rich snooty looking woman in the grocery store, I pretend that I’m looking for something and I go up to her and say, “Excuse me.  Do you work here?
Just to knock her down a couple of notches.

 

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Yup, it’s me.  I’m painted green for Halloween and my horde is, of course, candy. 

 

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A couple has a dog that snores.
 
Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can
  help.
 
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles,
  and he will stop snoring..
 
‘Yea ………… Right!’ She says.
 
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
 
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
  and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles..
 
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
 
The woman is amazed.
 
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
  with his buddies.
 
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
 
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
 
So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and
  ties it around her husband’s testicles.
 
Amazingly, it also works on him!
 
The woman sleeps soundly.
 
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
  bathroom.
 
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and
  sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
 
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees
  the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.
 
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and
  whispers,
 
‘I don’t know where we were or what we did last night, but by God we
  took FIRST and SECOND place!’
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARTMENT.’

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

‘Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 – it had never been occupied;
#2 – there was plenty of heat; and
#3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 – it had been previously occupied,
#2 – there wasn’t any heat, and
#3 – it was entirely too large.’

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

‘Dear Sir:
#1 – I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 – As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 – Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
       So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady…

 

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ITALIAN LEGAL SYSTEM – DIVORCE CASE HEARING…
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: “Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”
 
Don’t laugh. He won!

 

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My wife was curious when she found an old negative at the bottom of a drawer, and had it made into a print.
I guess she was pleasantly surprised to see that it was of her at a MUCH younger, much slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with me. When she showed me the photos, my face lit up.  “Wow, look at that!” I said with appreciation.
This brought a smile from her.  I continued my thought,
“That’s my old Peugeot 504!  I loved that car!”

 

 

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I just spent an hour watching this video, then the next one in line and the next one in line and the next…, you get the idea.  People really are awesome!!!!

 

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What an absolute classic!!!

 

Here’s another great video to watch….If you’re gonna be dumb…
https://vimeo.com/81908488

 

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It’s all about magic.  But, isn’t that true throughout the multi-verse?  Magic in the plants that grow, the people you meet, the air we breath?  Magic is everywhere.  And for us to think that what we see, what we can imagine, is all that there is out there…when then aren’t we arrogant…
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ALL THE TIME!!!  Or a podcast pair, or a morning radio show team or….geez, Lethal and I could do ANY of those things.  And yet we’ve decided to entertain you guys.
Well, and ourselves.  Man, if all of you were privy to all the conversations and interactions that go on between the two of us, you’d have starved to death by now, because you wouldn’t have stopped laughing long enough to eat or drink anything.
So, by all means, feel very special that we’re entertaining you!

 

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I so want to try this…..I truly do!
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Although NOT with the Ninja Kitties!!!!  I have a wicked sense of humor, but I’m not STUPID!!!

 

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COSTELLO :  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT : Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It’s 5.6%.

COSTELLO :  That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT : No, that’s 23%.

COSTELLO : You just said 5.6%.

ABBOTT :  5.6% Unemployed.

COSTELLO :  Right 5.6% out of work.

ABBOTT : No, that’s 23%.

COSTELLO : Okay, so it’s  23% unemployed.

ABBOTT : No, that’s 5.6%.

COSTELLO :  WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

ABBOTT : 5.6% are unemployed.  23% are out of work.

COSTELLO : If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT :  No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO : BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT : No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO :  What point?

ABBOTT :  Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO : To whom?

ABBOTT : The unemployed.

COSTELLO : But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT :  No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO : So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT : Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO :  The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT :  Absolutely it goes  down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.

COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT : Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO : Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT : Correct.

COSTELLO : And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT : Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO:  I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Liberal.

 

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Dang!  That happens every single time I get stopped if I’m with Lethal Leprechaun.

 

Okay, this next one is really funny…and also quite sad.  Because it’s so true.

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GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush ripped Donald Trump’s proposal to deport all the illegal aliens living in the United States and send them home, insisting to a group of Iowans on Friday that it’s impractical to move twelve million people to another country. That’s not true. Mexico did it.

 

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Here’s a great story:

When I worked at the BMP, the Head of Television commuted in from Brighton every day.

He started reading The Exorcist on the train.  He said he thought it was the most evil book he’d ever read.  In fact, he said it was so evil he couldn’t finish it.  So, at the weekend, he went to the end of Brighton pier and threw it as far as he could into the water.

So, I went to the bookshop and I bought another copy.  Then I ran it under the tap until it was soaking wet.  I then left it in his desk drawer for him to find.

What a perfect prank!

 

!cid_X_MA1_1445696405@aol

 

This guy’s in the rear of a full elevator and he speaks out, “Ballroom, please.”
A lady standing in front of him turns around.  She replies,
“I’m sorry, sir.  I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

 

 

!cid_X_MA4_1446237466@aol

 

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Halloween

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Stare deeply into my eyes…..

100

 

 

41

Better, or Worse5 (2)

 

Well, I’m sure you all are wondering what happened between Impish and his beautiful wife, who is currently a banshee trapped in a Ghost Buster’s ghost trap…so, let’s finish off today’s issue with the story as we know it so far.

Special thanks goes to Lethal Leprechaun for writing this part for me, since I was so late in getting started on today’s issue.

As far as timelines go…this all took place last week:

Lethal turns to Impish as they arrive at a heavy door which is unusual in the feature that it is double barred from the outside and inlayed with a complex design in what appears to be precious metals. Even the brackets for the cross beams, the beams themselves, as well as the door’s frame work all have inlayed designs upon them. A careful study of the designs would show a web like pattern worked into the vine design in which magical symbols and glyphs had carefully and discretely been worked. At Lethal’s gesture to rotate the cross beams to permit opening the door Impish jaw drops open.
 
“In there? Seriously? You want me to have a conversation with my already gone to Banshee wife in THERE?! You think THAT is going to calm her down?” He regards Lethal’s mysteriously full again coffee cup speculatively, “It’s pretty early in the day even for an Irishman and I’ve never known you to drink while we were under the gun before.”
 
“I’m as sober as I’d taken the Tippler’s Oath, here I’ll prove it” he hand the mug to Dragonette Izzy and gestures for her to examine it. She sniffs cautiously, smiles and before she can be stopped, takes a gulp that does her Dragon heritage a full measure of justice. After swallowing, a profound look of disappointment shows on her face and she willingly hands the mug back to Lethal while addressing her Dragon Dad, “Only Bailey’s creamer not even artificial sweetener.”
 
“Too bloody right! Now, as I was was about to say before I was slanderously accused of being a lush by my best “friend”,” he air quotes the word friend as he pauses to glower at Impish briefly, “can you think of a better place to do it? And to answer your second question, nae its not to clam her down, you said YOU were going to deal with your…err lovely wife. Doing it here simply insures you remain safe enough for long enough to do so…or until she tires herself  and reverts to her mundane form, 0which ever first comes to pass…which I will be making book on, by the by, to finance any damages incurred as that room was bloody expensive to create.”
 
“I don’t understand. What’s the big deal about the room? So it has an ugly fancy door and locks from…the outside…OMG! DAD! You’re putting Mom in PRISON because she’s mad about all your side action?! NO WAY!”
 
Impish scowls at his whelp as smoke wisps start to seep from his nose and again he quickly reviews the Pros vs. Cons of eating his young before opening his mouth to answer. However he’s beaten to a response by Lethal.
 
“Nae lass ’tis not a prison cell, what it IS is a magical containment cell for dealing with difficult, out of control or uninvited magical guests. I assure you our Security Detention Center is in a far less friendly setting and a far more secure and hard to reach location. In fact I can arrange for you to spend sometime getting a feel for the difference, I know its a favorite place of  Hell Boys,  if you continue to insist on breaking you word to you Dad to be seen, not heard and show the proper respect for the betters and elders.” He makes a deliberate show of reaching for his PDA while raising an eyebrow.
 
The dragonette swallows audibly while she knows she can push her boundaries with her parents and in particularly her father she knows that Uncle Lethal isn’t subject to the same flexibility. If the day thus far is anything to judge by, he has her out-anticipated and outsmarted on his home ground. She also now realizes he’s in less mood than usual to put up with her testing him and therefore not likely to be engaging in idle bluffs. “Can I at least ask what a magical containment cell is if its not a prison cell…you know, for my magical education?”
 
Lethal gestures to the now open very thick door which she notices has the same pattern carved into the edge of both the door and door frame. As she stops for a closer look he winks at Impish and suddenly a tail slap sends her into the room with an indignant squeal of surprise.
 
Impish (grinning back at Lethal) scowls at the Dragonette. “Izzy!  You said ask about not tour! Get out of there right now!” The dragonette ninja glares ruefully at her father and attempts to step out of the room only to find her attempt invisibly rebuffed and the walls as well as the open door way and the door all glowing brightly with runes and glyphs. Her brow furrows, she steps back and leads this time with her shoulder in a bull rush only to find her self on her butt back several feet from the door way. Impish chuckles at this.
 
“I can’t get out. You trapped me in here. I was right this is a jail!”
 
Lethal chuckles. “I’ll make a note of the fact NK Clan Mistress SC needs to seriously up your patience training and Chai need to spend less time sleeping in your lap while being petted and more on your problem analysis skills. Stop scowling at us, close your eyes, take several deep breaths and picture the last time you held a purring Ninja Kitty. Latch on to that feeling that makes you feel- the one where you couldn’t stay mad if you tried. Then holding that walk towards the door.” 
 
Izzy seems to have a sharp retort at the ready when Impish cuts her off. “Always  the shallow learning curve and smart mouth on this one unless its something she wants. This could take a while. You know we missed lunch and I’m hungry, wanna leave her here and go grab a bite? I smell Cheese steaks.”
 
The Dragonette would-be ninja sighs heavily, rolls her eyes for forms sake, scrunches up her face in either concentration or anticipation of hitting the barrier with her eyes closed and does as she was told. Suddenly she runs into a slightly outstretched wing. Much to her surprise she finds herself back between her father and Uncle. She looks at the two of them mouth open unable to ask the questions going thru her head.
 
Lethal relents and explains “I told you its not a jail cell or a prison. It is a Magical Containment Cell, sort of an involuntary time out room if you will. Anyone can enter but only those who are calm and composed can exit the room. The glyphs and runes prevent any form of exiting physical, magical or incorporeal. The protection circle inlaid in the center of the room allows us to release angry entities like your Mom is right now to speak to and reason with but protects the negotiator from any harm they might be in danger of.”
 
Simultaneously and in near perfect sync both father & daughter dragon moan “Oh man! I wish we had one of these in our house, life would be so much easier!” Then laugh at each other.
 
Lethal chuckles then turns serious as he addresses Impish. “Right, in you go then, I don’t know what the time passage perception is like inside of a ghost trap and its been nearly half and hour already. You remember how to invoke the circle’s protection right?” Impish nods apprehensively.
 
“Ahh..your not coming with..?”
 
“Nope! A certain irate dragon a short while ago told me to shut my gob and that they would be dealing with their Banshee of a wife when the time came. Well, time has bloody come boy-o.” Lethal hands him something that looks like a car remote. “There’s the remote for the ghost trap. The Orange button with the ‘V’ opens and closes the trap. The arrow button changes the traps polarity to let things out or pull them in. If the arrow is green the trap is set to capture. If its red its set to release. Select the direction before opening the trap and wait for the light on the trap to start blinking indicating ready before you open it. Best o’ luck pal!” Lethal turns away from Impish and heads towards Izzy before suddenly spinning about on his heels and walking back. “One more ting…” he reaches into the side pocket of his coat and pulls out a small ornate tin. “Your requested suicide pill. Lethal shakes his hand again saying “Best o’ luck mate.”, then places a guiding hand on Izzy’s shoulder. “Come niece ’tis best if we give your parents some privacy. Besides that idea already percolating about in your head of ditching me and circling back to listen at the door won’t work. The magic plus the thickness of the doors and walls make the room sound proof.” Izzy’s looks shocked at her Uncles apparent mind reading skills and then her shoulder slump.
 
“Did you really just give my Dad a suicide pill?! Izzy exclaims craning her neck to look back at her Dad
 
Lethal delays his answer and makes a shooing motion at Impish who swallows visibly then squares his shoulder and enters the room. Two steps past where Izzy was the door swings shut suddenly with a resounding boom and the crossbars rotate into place. A light goes on displaying an ‘IN USE’ legend above the door.
“Of course not! he retorts, I was just messing with him, I gave him my breath mints because his breath was horrible. He’ll realize in in about 5 minutes.”
 
“So what now, we go to your office and do boring paperwork until Mom and Dad are done fighting?”
 
Lethal steps up to a small chalk board on the wall just below a pull style bell both which had gone unnoticed by our would be Dragon ninja until now. The frame of the chalk board displays the word “When Bell Rings Please Notify:”. Beneath this Lethal has written  ‘L.L.- will be in bistro. Thanks’
 
“No my dear, your Dad was quite right when he said we missed lunch and I’d hazard a guess from what I saw in the kitchen so did you because you got stubborn and talked back to Red am I right?” Ruefully she nods. “Well then I too smell Cheese steaks. What do you say to a couple cheese steaks, French fries to catch all the cheese wiz that leaks out and a couple of my famous Blarney floats?”
 
Izzy swallows hungrily “Can I get a chocolate shake too and what’s in a Blarney float?”
 
Lethal chuckles as he directs her in the direction they need to go to reach the bistro. “Sure you can have a shake too. I hope your stomach is more dragon than the rest of you is at the moment, I have a feeling you’ll need it. As for the float, its two large scoops of  Bailey’s flavored ice cream with dark chocolate flecks in a pint of my micro-brewed cream soda, topped off, of course, with whipped cream and a cherry.” He steadies the young dragonette as she nearly stumbles and her stomach growls loudly. Chuckling he says “That’s just about what I thought you’d say about it. Come on girl, pick up the pace, I’m hungry as a dragon.”
 
About 45 minutes later as Lethal enjoys his espresso over Bailey’s ice cream and Izzy decided to admit defeat and not finish her Blarney float. His phone screen flashes and notice of a text message appears. Izzy stares expectantly as Lethal reads the text, grunts to himself and responds. He looks at a tote board on the wall, smirks and as he makes a fast call says to Izzy, “Not bad kid you know your parents well, you get to split the proceeds of the pool with one other person. Hey Red! Yeah you win the pool along with Izzy. Huh? Ahh, nope sorry I need her she’s not available for dish duty or jalapeno chopping, sorry. Yeah half. Should hit your account in about half an hour. OK. Later”
 
Motioning her just a minute with his finger he makes another fast call. All he says is “Magical & Mythical medical teams to Containment Chamber 4 please stat. Possible patients are Dragon and Banshee. Present conditions are unknown. Negotiations duration roughly 45 minutes.”
 
Izzy immediately wishes that she hadn’t eaten so much as her stomach is suddenly threatening to rebel at the thought of her betting money on how long her parents would go at it while her parents might have really been fighting to the point of requiring medical assistance. Her anger begins to build when she remembers that the entire thing is apparently a result of something Lethal let slip about her Dad’s other women friends and she begins to plot an attack on Lethal uncle or no.
 
Lethal looks up at her folds his hands on the table and leans forward to address her confidentially and in a fatherly, or at least unclely manner. “The medical team is simply a precaution and part of the release protocol that’s all. There are a multitude of reason that they might be needed aside from the obvious one that is running through your mind. I apologize for not explaining what happens post bell ringing earlier.” His voice lowers and hardens to ice as he continues, “As to that other thought I saw flash through your mind, you might be my god-niece but believe me when I say the Ninja Cats Clan Mistress SC and her Black Paw Chai’s first loyalty is to me, and that means ALL the Ninja Cats are loyal to me. So even assuming you get in a lucky hit, you’re screwed. Additionally, your Dad and I have gone toe to toe with him in ‘Big Blue’ form multiple times. He’s always come out slightly worse for wear, and I’ve always survived, abet occasionally in need fresh trousers.
You.
Are.
NOT.
In.
Your.
Dad’s.
League.
Not by a long shot, at least not yet. Act on what I saw and I’ll have no mercy and no compunction about defeating you, playing the drum solo from Led Zepplin’s Moby Dick on your bare backside (see video at end of story for reference~Ed) and introducing you to a security detention cell so deep in the mountain that when light finally reaches it it’s half a day old already. We clear?”
 
Izzy swallows and nods, finding Lethal’s icy stare, sans any of the warmth and mirth that had been there through their surprisingly enjoyable lunch, a shocking and unsetting change. Instantly Lethal’s eyes revert, the merry and mischievous twinkle returns and Izzy silently breathes a breath of relief.
 
“Good. Let’s go then as undoubtedly your parents are impatiently waiting to be let out. I’m interested if they can both make it out on their own on their first attempt. Too bad I didn’t think of setting up a book on that too.”
 
As short while later when the door is opened Izzy is greeted by the sight of her Dad, with her mother thrown over his shoulder ,stepping out of the Containment Room. Her impressions rapidly shift from horror that her mother is unconscious, to concern because she seems to be shaking and thrashing about as if in seizure, to disbelief when she realized her mother is uncontrollably laughing and fighting to get free because her Dad is tickling her. Impish reaches out with his free arm for her which she dashes into. The last thing she remembers hearing before wings enfold all three of them for a private moment is her father addressing her Uncle. “Lethal you’ll have to make due without me for a few days. I’m taking my family to Disney World like you told them I had promised to.”
Which brings us up to date, since we’ve just returned from said trip to Disney World.
So, until we meet again next week….
Cheers!
*As promised

!cid_X_MA1_1446226569@aol

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1459

  1. Ginny says:

    Simply loved the picture of you, Mrs. Dragon and Izzy on the left? The rest of your handsome family…..is? Your Halloween issue was packed with great videos, jokes and of course the
    reminder for us to change our clocks. When we do this twice a year….I say to myself…..DO WE REALLY NEED THAT MANY CLOCKS? There is the wristwatches, the clocks in our cars, the alarm clocks, kitchen clock, stove clock, microwave clock…..thankfully our computers, cable boxes, tivos and tv are smart enough to do it themself. Again, loved this issue!!!!!!!

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