Good Morning Campers,
Well, I’m completing this issue way ahead of time. Why, you may ask, since you know that is SO unlike me? Well, the dragons are taking a little trip this weekend and we won’t be here. Armed security will still be in place at casa de dragon, so no worries there, but we’re doing a little family reunion thing with Papa Dragon Most Senior, The Owl and his lovely Owlet bride, and the Wolf, with his pack. For a hint as to where we will be going, look to today’s header!
The only real problem is we have to fly commercial. And I loathe flying commercial! It sucks so bad! Any of you New Yorkers who will be around LaGuardia on Friday morning, we have a 3 hour layover so we’ll be hanging around the airport.
I HATE FLYING COMMERCIAL!
Flying military is SO much easier. You can get up and move around the cabin. Pull out a sleeping bag and sleep the whole way. Go up and visit the pilots in the cockpit and BS with them for a few hours.
It’s just so much easier.
No friggin’ TSA that has to see inside your socks and underwear. Not to mention the stuff you have in your luggage! It’s just so sad.
Plus, you’re supposed to arrive like 2 hours ahead of time.
You just sit around and wait anyway!
And one of the things I’m sure we’re going to see on our little trip:
I do want to take this opportunity to remind everyone of the upcoming Halloween Party. Coming up at Fun Mountain. We have all kinds of things for you this year. Including a special musical guest. I’ll tell you about them in a bit.
It is a costume required party, so none of you can pansy out, I’m pretty sure that Lethal is going to give you a view or a description of what we will be wearing this year. I’m pretty sure it’s going to win the best costume award. So, there’s your challenge. Dress well. Those of you who think you can get away with not wearing a costume, or tell security that you are dressed as a normal person or something like that, you will be put in your own special room…and I’ll leave the description of what exactly will go ON in that room a secret for now. But, it will be great fun…for the rest of us, who AREN’T in the room.
And our musical guest? You remember Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons? They’ve all come back from the dead and are now Frankie Stein and the Four Shrouds. Yup, they will be performing all their old hits.
Sherry, Sherry Zombie
Walk Like The Dead
Big Girls Don’t Die
It’ll be a great night. I promise.
Now, I know what you’re all getting at though. I can hear you asking, well what happened to Impish and Lethal and Mrs. Dragon who has a form of a Banshee and little Ninja Dragon Izzy and … and …. okay, so settle down and we’ll peek in on them and see how they’re doing.
Let’s see. When we left them, Lethal had just (accidently) outed Impish’s Virgin Habit in front of Mrs. Dragon who had, in turn, gone all Banshee on his ass. Lethal has come up with an idea to save his buddy, saying, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts!”
Yup, that ought to do it!!!
That describes me in the morning SO WELL. I mean, really, is it that much to ask to have everybody bound and gagged for the first 30 minutes that I’m up?
You don’t like the way the dragon growls in the morning? – Then shut the heck up and stop making so much damn noise.
You don’t like the answers you get to the questions you ask? – Don’t ask him any (stupid or otherwise) questions so friggin’ early!
You don’t like to be stepped on or thrown across the cavern? – Don’t get between me and the coffee pot before I’ve finished my first cup.
Now, having said all that, what the hell was up with the Troop of Girl Scouts in the facilities at that hour?
Now, that’s just so wrong. And not funny at all. Like we really breath propane to make our flaming breath. Hurmph! Hurmph, I say!
One of my cousins, Big Red. He actually got insulted when Hell Boy was assigned that name as a call sign. But, he got over it. He now works for us by heating up some of the lower pools in fun mountain.
Three sentences that perfectly sum up the direction we’re headed as a nation
Our Magic instructor. He’s just showing off.
The little boy thought it over. “Daddy,” he said, “maybe it’s his ball.”
And again I’ll ask, Why is it that we hear over and over again about Social Security running out of money, but we don’t hear anything about welfare and food stamps running out of money?
This is an excellent read and oh so very true. Mike Rowe would fit right in here with us at DL&LL Enterprises.
Off The Wall
The New York Times just published a 27-point guide on what it means to be a “Modern Man.” http://www.nytimes.com/…/m…/27-ways-to-be-a-modern-man.html…
As someone widely regarded as a “Man’s Man,” I’d love to get your take. (Personally, I’m not sure what a “Man’s Man” is, but my wife assures me that you are one.)
I don’t know what a “Man’s Man” is either, or if I am one, but I’m not inclined to argue with another man’s wife. However, I did read the Times piece, and I can tell you with some certainty that I do not appear to be a “Modern Man.” My own Guide – as a potential “Man’s Man” – is below.
New York Times: When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
Mike Rowe: A Man’s Man would not buy shoes for his spouse, or be familiar with the vagaries of various female footwear brands. He might offer to pay for them, and he would definitely compliment her choice. And if he knows the size of her feet, it’s only because he rubs them from time to time.
NYT: The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
MR: A Man’s Man feels no shame in admitting uncertainty, because he knows that doing so will make him more certain. He’s transparent about his flaws and shortcomings, and makes no attempt to be more secure or knowledgeable or competent than he actually is.
NYT: The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
MR: A Man’s Man is also considerate. But he would never consciously time his chewing to coincide with the noisy parts of the film. He does not walk on eggshells.
NYT: The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
MR: A Man’s Man will clean his plate, assuming of course he’s the one who put the food on it. But he feels no obligation to suck the marrow out of a bone, or eat the bruise on the banana, or consume the cob as well as the corn. He does not equate his manliness with a willingness consume food that’s been poorly prepared.
NYT: The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
MR: A Man’s Man knows it’s wiser to park closer to the exit than the entrance.
NYT: Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
MR: A Man’s Man knows that self-reliance is born of experience. He encourages his kids to look after their own stuff, and suffer the consequences when they do not. The wife is another matter.
NYT: The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
MR: A Man’s Man doesn’t drink children’s beverages. He drinks tap water, wine, coffee, beer, whiskey, or iced tea. He does however, keep soda pop on hand, on the off chance a modern man stops by.
NYT: The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
MR: A Man’s Man is less worried about using the right word, and more concerned with being understood. But under no circumstance, does he “dumb down” the language.
NYT: Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
MR: A Man’s Man is already a complete person. His identity does not depend upon sons, daughters, spouses, friends, or pets. He is not a loner, and he cherishes the relationships he has. But he knows that his “completion” is nothing but a reflection of knowing who he is.
NYT: The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
MR: A Man’s Man will always volunteer to wash the dishes. He may or may not put them away, but regardless, he understands the phenomenon of evaporation, and doesn’t concern himself with a codified system for drying.
NYT: The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
MR: A Man’s Man does not know what that even means. But he rarely says “never.”
NYT: The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
MR: A Man’s Man uses Lava Soap. He uses it until it’s the size of a dime.
NYT: The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
MR: A Man’s Man watches reruns of Kung-Fu.
NYT: The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
MR: A Man’s Man does not make lists. He knows what he likes, what he needs, and what he wants. If he has to write it down, he understands it was not worth having in the first place.
NYT: The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
MR: A Man’s Man is not committed to any particular type of flooring. He doesn’t attempt to communicate with his children through his footsteps, and he doesn’t own oxfords, unless they’re steel-toed.
NYT: The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
MR: A Man’s Man knows that a struggle closest to the door will effectively block the exit through which his wife might flee. So he secures the house in a way that keeps intruders out, and sleeps wherever he wants.
NYT: The modern man has a melon baller. How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
MR: The Man’s Man, if he serves fruit at all, prepares wedges, squares, and rectangles. He accomplishes this with a knife.
NYT: The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
MR: A Man’s Man doesn’t think “seriously” about any purchase under $5.
NYT: The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
MR: A Man’s Man picks wildflowers on the side of the road, wraps them with a bootlace, and presents them with an original, hand-written poem.
NYT: On occasion, the modern man is the “little spoon.” Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
MR: A Man’s Man will do whatever’s necessary to please his bedmate – not himself. But he roundly rejects all metaphors, especially those that involve utensils.
NYT: The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
MR: A Man’s Man would laugh and then say “Bless you,” or “gesundheit.” Then, he’d make sure she wipes her nose and cleans up the crumbs.
NYT: The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
MR: A Man’s Man does not amble. Moreover, he would have already impressed upon the paper boy the importance of getting the morning paper all the way up on the porch. Where it belongs.
NYT: The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time.)
MR: A Man’s Man doesn’t own films – he rents them. He also values effectiveness over efficiency, and knows that the “latest technology” will be obsolete in a few months. For this reason, he makes no attempt to own the newest of anything.
NYT: The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
MR: A Man’s Man prefers his gas tank full, his weapon loaded, his pantry stocked, and his checkbook balanced. He also likes his phone sufficiently charged, and takes the necessary steps to accomplish that.
NYT: The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
MR: A Man’s Man owns at least one firearm. He knows how to use it, clean it, and store it properly. He understands it’s importance, and sees it for what it is – a tool that can protect him and his family.
NYT: The modern man cries. He cries often.
MR: A Man’s Man cries if he feels like crying. But he rarely feels like it.
NYT: People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
MR: People know without question a Man’s Man does not dance. But they also know if called upon, he’ll give it his best shot…
Yup, he definitely sounds like one of us.
Democratic party officials were thrilled with CNN’s ratings for the presidential debate in Las Vegas. They toed the party line. During the debate, the Democratic candidates mentioned America’s middle class twenty-three times, one for each remaining member of America’s middle class.
I can! I can! And it wasn’t that damn long ago, either! Okay, so….what was the first car you EVER owned? Mine was a 1967 Plymouth Barracuda!
Looked almost exactly like this one:
God, I loved that car!!!
Hey. Wanna know what really took place?
Yeah, and besides, you know, what difference does it make, now?
President Obama went back on a campaign vow Friday and decided to keep several thousand U.S. troops in Afghanistan for the rest of his term. The president was urged by his liberal advisors to simply declare victory and pull out. It’s known in the birth control industry as the Vietnam .
Nurses have always had a very special place in my heart. It might be because my mom was one. It might be because several have been instrumental to my survival up to this point in my life, or it just might be that 99.9% of them are just pure sex appeal wrapped up in white. (or pink, or blue, etc.) There is just something special about them, I do believe they use their supernatural sex appeal only for the good of mankind. At any rate, they are never given enough credit for the hard work and effort they put in every single day.
Okay, well those were all highly motivating and inspiring…or…um…not.
Murphy’s Real Laws
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
10. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He’s not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She’s always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the “Juneflower.”
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if it wasn’t for gravity, we’d all fall off. (Or up)
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it ?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
What a great way to spend the time waiting for your dinner!!!
Well, what do you say we pop in one more time to our story line?
“Thanks for letting me try.”
“Hey you buried me so the least I can let you try and dig me out. It it doesn’t work I can always eat you. Besides this makes us even for the closet thing. Right?”
Lethal shakes his head. “Oh no me Boy-o. You accused me of cheating, then locked me in a closet so you could do the honors which in effect was cheating. I missed calls from Lea Michaels, Colin Firth and the Kringle. You got any idea how prickly the Kringle gets when someone lets him go to voice mail? NO we’re not bloody even for that, ‘tis an entirely separate matter that.”” I get you out of what I got you into no harm no foul and we’re even for this. Assuming that is I can and we both live through it.”
Impish gulps audibly. “Care to share this grand plan of yours? I am sort of heavily vested in it like it or not, you know.”
Lethal who has been punching buttons on the phone console. before his chair at the table holds up a finger and then pushes two last buttons. Impish hears Terrance, No-name and Greg Gnome Head of Physical Plant for the Mountain Complex all answer. “Gentleman you’re in conference mode with me so I only have to say this once. Condition Banshee. I have her secured in a ghost trap at the moment but obviously this is likely to make her madder not calmer. We need to initiate Operation Harmless Virgins immediately. Terrance find Diaman and Ginny explain what’s happened, what’s needed and have them take charge of the Virgins. Say good bye Terrance. No-name see they are all moved immediately to the non-Patrons accommodations over at fun mountain and that they all grab their bags from their Emergency Contingency Locker. Have then change as soon as they get a room assignment. Get on it now times wasting. Greg alert housekeeping over at Fun Mountain they’ll have guests in under 15 minutes. How many? Last I knew 25 but let me check.”
He raises his eyebrows at Impish who is busily counting on his fingers and muttering races and names to himself. He looks up and asks “Uhh… can she hear us from in there?” Lethal shakes his head now and makes a come on hand gesture impatiently at Impish who swallows and says, “46…I think, though I might have missed a couple.”
Lethal rolls his eyes at Impish and looks slightly annoyed. “Greg? Yeah tell them roughly 50 plus Diaman and Ginny. No put Diaman and Ginny with them I want them close incase one of the airheaded ones decides to go full blown ditz at the wrong time. Loose lips already caused enough problems today. I’ll need maintenance and housekeeping to sanitize and render innocent the harem room too. I don’t know! It’s on Impish’s half of the floor, think of some… wait I got it! We still got all that stuff he bought when he was luring them in by pretending to be a photographer looking to discover the next big model? Good! Set the room up as a photography studio. What? Do I sound like I care right now- I just solved your biggest problem and now you want me to solve another? What do you get paid for? Moping up after Impish and fixing all the stuff he breaks? Well here’s a chance to excel and move up! Just get it done and fast. How fast? Since you asked I need it in half an hour or under. Not enough time? OK then you can let her out of the trap when you’re people have it ready. OK then half an hour it is but I’ll try to buy you as much time as I can.” Lethal hangs up the call.
“That was the easy part. Now comes the harder part, convincing your wife you’re a kindly benevolent patronistic soul not a lascivious Dragon with large scale hedonistic tendencies. Come on lets go and bring your wife.” He gestures to the ghost trap as it sits smoke still drifting up from it.
“Mind telling me where exactly it is we’re going?”
“To pick up your daughter who should be just about teachable moment/life lessoned out for the time being. Then we’re off to introduce your lovely wife to the Virgins. Friday? Noise Canceling Headsets- the airport runway approved ones for 6 people please. Oh and locate Sinatra, he’s not done yet he’s got more schmoozing and flirting to do.”
“About those suicide pills…”
“Yeah? What about them?”
“Could we maybe swing by someplace and pick some up?”
Back in the kitchen, Izzy was busy cutting up sardines while a number of the NK clan sat watching every move very carefully and very impatiently. Beside her, Hell Boy was still opening cans.
“That’s right, you have to slice them length-wise and then trim them down. But, if you don’t put a little more effort into them, we’re going to be here all day.”
“I’m doing the best that I can! Why in the world do they need to be sliced anyway? They’re already small; all you’re doing is making them tiny.”
Hell Boy pushes over the last open can and replies, “Technically, you’re the one who’s making them tiny, as to why…” He reaches out and plucks the knife out of her hands. “We don’t. I just had you doing that because I thought it was fun. See, it’s not nice when you do things to people just because you want to…IS IT?!
Izzy looks at the giant red guy and is ready to explode when what he said starts to sink in. Doing things to people, or NOT doing things FOR people, just because you want to, is something that she was pretty good at. She hadn’t really thought of what the other people think before. But, before she could really wrap her head around what she was thinking, HB was continuing, “Now, shake that little bottom of yours over to that table and SIT DOWN!”
By the look on his face, she knew he was serious and she actually ran over to the table and sat down quietly.
Arriving at the Fun Mountain, Lethal leads them down instead of up followed at the rear by a very sullen Izzy who was putting on an Academy Award worthy stink about not being able to slip away and go swim in the pool.
As her muttering grows louder Lethal gives Impish the eyebrow just as Impish is loosing his last nerve.
Impish stops, looks at Lethal, then at a defiant Izzy, then the ghost trap before asking, “is there room in here for two?”
Lethal shakes his head, “I hear ya pal, but in order to make that work we’d have to open the trap, let Mrs. Dragon out and then suck them both back in. Given Mrs. D’s present state of mind that’s not a path I want to take. I’m not sure what effect that would have on living tissue either.”
Impish sighs. “Well it was worth a try anyway. Izzy things are a little too busy right now to put up with your whole “Adults are ruining my Life” Angst and Antics. I’ll give you 3 choices and 5 seconds to decide then I’m going to make a choice and I promise you that it’s going to make the 3 choices I gave you seem like golden opportunities.”
“But I don’t understand why I can’t just…”
“SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH. NOW! Before I decide to eat my young whelp!. There is no ‘understand’ for you there is only DO. AS. YOU. ARE. TOLD. OR ELSE and believe me you don’t want to know ‘or else what’ missy.
NOW, you may come along, keeping your mouth shut, be a seen and not heard, well behaved daughter of the Draconian Ambassador, which includes not sneaking off at your first opportunity as well as doing whatever you are told by an adult, without any of your normal bull. That’s Option 1.
Option 2: You can go back to the kitchen and prepping sardines for your furry companions under Hell Boy’s supervision. He’ll probably want help chopping garlic and jalapenos for his afternoon Nachos once you’re done with the sardines. Of course there will be all those oily sardine plates to rinse and run through the dishwasher.
Option 3: Impish shudders, “Sylvia Sphinx needs her litter box cleaned and wants a thorough brushing. That’s probably no more than 3 or 4 hours work.
You got 5 seconds starting now.”
“This is so unfair! I want to talk to Mom.”
“Hey what happen to 4?!”
“I skipped it because your still running that mouth of yours. Just like I’m skipping 2. 1 second.”
“OPTION 1! OPTION 1!”
“Good choice. Now get your sullen butt up here with the rest of us, wipe that put upon look off your face and fix your ‘tude or I’ll fix it for you. Am I clear?”
“About bloody time!”
“Lethal shut the hell up or I swear I’ll fix you too. And when we let my wife out I’ll do the talking, understand?”
Lethal in the middle of handing Izzy a pair of the noise canceling headphone which are allegedly protection for the shriek of a jet engine in close proximity after showing her how to turn them on and adjust them stops, looks Impish in the eye a moment, nods then turns his attention back to Izzy. “Looks like you made a good choice, we’re both in for a hellova show apparently. Wish I had thought to bring popcorn and drinks.”