Way to crash and burn me Mulder! Wing man of the Year material you ain’t. We’ll take more about you and Scully in a bit, but first I’ve got an issue to introduce.

No I’m not Impish too bloody right.

Impish had a family emergency and I’m covering for him.  If anyone were so inclined a little Prayer Warrior &/or Bead rubbing/ positive vibes type action would not be amiss. He should be back next weekend or you might possibly hear from him with some sort of update/advisory on his situation at some later point in the weekend.

Hate to be terse, uninformative and run but its after 11 PM CST this has to get uploaded by midnight and I really didn’t have any opening comments planned for this issue as I jumped it ahead in my cue at 10:30 and finished it in half an hour. Please for give any lack of polish or mistakes.

Mean while-

Mr. Positive

There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, “It could have been worse.”

One day, John’s coworkers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn’t say that it could have been worse.

When John arrived at work that day, one of his coworkers asked him, “John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?”

John replied, “No, what?”

The coworker replied, “When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!”

John replied, “Well, it could have been worse.”

In disgust the coworker replied, “Now how could that have been any worse?”

John replied, “Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!”

Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes — $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00

 

Sometimes its not about the meal itself but rather the accompaniments or condiments. Here are a couple quick easy ones that can make a plain meal stand out

Light Carrot-Ginger Dressing

Total Time: 10 min
Prep: 10 min
Yield: 1 cup
Level: Easy

Ingredients

1 medium carrot, roughly chopped
2 tablespoons chopped peeled ginger
1 teaspoon packed light brown sugar
2 tablespoons rice vinegar (not seasoned)
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons low-sodium soy sauce
2 teaspoons sesame oil
Kosher salt

Directions

Put the carrot and 1 cup water in a small saucepan. Bring to a simmer over medium-low heat and cook until tender, about 15 minutes. Reserve 1/2 cup cooking liquid, then drain the carrot.
Puree the carrot and reserved cooking liquid in a blender until smooth. Add the ginger, brown sugar, vinegar, lemon juice, soy sauce, sesame oil and teaspoon salt; pulse until smooth.

No rice vinegar? Me either. I use about half the amount of white vinegar instead. Makes great condiment on most any steamed veg or salad. Not bad drizzled on Chicken or Salmon either.

Italian Salsa

Killer on a Italian Roast Beef and Provolone sandwich, Chicken/Pork cutlets or seafood.

Ingredients

8 piquante peppers, seeded and diced (recommended: Peppadew)
4 Roma tomatoes, seeded and small diced
1/3 cup minced red onion
1/4 cup chopped Italian parsley leaves
2 tablespoons capers, 1 tablespoon roughly chopped, 1 tablespoon whole
2 tablespoons piquante pepper juice
1 tablespoon minced garlic, about 2 cloves
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
Pinch kosher salt

Directions

Combine all the ingredients in a nonreactive bowl. Set aside and allow the flavors to marry.

RELAX! ‘Piquante Peppers’ is essentially just a brand name for cherry peppers. You can usually find them in the store in the area of pickled veggies. Generally they come in red &/or green. Some makers mix them some segregate (much to the consternation of ACLU & So. Poverty Law Center Cooks everywhere). Can’t find them? Use pepperoncini peppers in their stead

Personally I use the green ones when making this because of the added color boost it gives. If your capers are the kind in salt as opposed to brine be sure to give them a quick rinse or omit the Kosher salt entirely.

The juice from the jar of peppers is as much about the vinegar in the brine and it is the heat in the juice. To make it a bit milder you can omit the juice and replace it with lemon juice or balsamic vinegar.

Lastly a grilled slice of EVOO brushed baguette rubbed post grilling with a garlic clove topped with an 1/8 thick slice of fresh farmers cheese or Queso Fresco/ Queso Blanco and some of this Italian salsa makes for killer hors d’oeuvres.

‘X-Files’ returning to Fox for six episodes

(CNN) Smoking Man, time to light another cigarette.

Fox announced Tuesday that “The X-Files,” the series about the paranormal that ran for nine seasons in the ’90s and early ’00s, is returning for a special six-episode “event.”

Stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are both back to play Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, those FBI agents who always got a little too close to the truth.

” ‘The X-Files’ was not only a seminal show for both the studio and the network, it was a worldwide phenomenon that shaped pop culture — yet remained a true gem for the legions of fans who embraced it from the beginning. We’re ecstatic to give them the next thrilling chapter of Mulder and Scully they’ve been waiting for,” Fox executives Dana Walden and Gary Newman said in a statement.

Anderson wasted no time in tweeting the news.

Mulder, it’s me. Are you ready? MT @MichaelAusiello XF Revival Official @DavidDuchovny & @GillianA Back for 6 New Eps http://t.co/qZi1v8RazZ

— Gillian Anderson (@GillianA) March 24, 2015

“The X-Files” concerned Mulder, an FBI agent who believes in paranormal phenomena, and Scully, who served as a check on his impulses. The series produced some memorable characters — particularly the Smoking Man, a key focal point of the series’ various conspiracy theories — and resulted in two movies.

Vince Gilligan, who later created “Breaking Bad,” got his start on “The X-Files” and occasionally paid tribute to the show on his later series.

Show creator Chris Carter, who will also oversee the new series, said he thought of the hiatus between 2002, when the “X-Files” went off the air, and this year as “a 13-year commercial break.”

But the timing is perfect, he added in a statement.

“The good news is the world has only gotten that much stranger, a perfect time to tell these six stories,” he said.

No premiere date was announced.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Affair

Arnold Schwarzenegger waited until after his term as governor of California ended to tell his wife that he had fathered a child with one of their “household staff” members — ten years before. She left him.

With that, we offer this joke…

Saying that he now has Total Recall, Arnold Schwarzenegger told his wife Maria Shriver that he was done telling True Lies, and gave her The Rundown. He promised that the household servant was positively his Last Action Hero. He said he had been taking care of Junior financially because the woman had refused his Eraser proposal. The Villain was just grateful she didn’t have Twins.

By The 6th Day after her husband’s confession, Maria had embarked on The Long Goodbye toward the End of Days — “Who’s the Terminator now, bucko?” she said before slamming the door behind her.

The governor’s mistress, referred to in reports only as “Red Sonja” (who attracted Ahnold in the first place by going Commando around the mansion), insists the governor was a Predator who was often in Red Heat around her. Still, she had to admit she enjoyed his favorite bedtime game, Around the World in 80 Days, and said the 63-year-old governor was still capable of Pumping Iron.

Schwarzenegger’s reputation is in shambles, and he claims he has gotten a Raw Deal. He has become a Running Man who can’t seem to get anyone to answer his calls. His career in shambles, it seems the only job he qualifies for now is as a Kindergarten Cop.

Cheating Ex-fiancé Demands Another Chance  & Gets Response She Deserves

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?”

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

What If Food Was Dirty and Sex Was Clean?

All ya’ll best don your Gallagher Protection Ponchos and safety glasses before proceeding. I’m guessing Impish’s head exploded before he’s more than halfway through this next bit as his mind boggles then finally overloads.

When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That’s it. You don’t need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it’s sex and food. But for some reason, sex is “dirty”. Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, “All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, the lights off, the man on top — once a week, and that’s it.”

But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: “Hey, Chuck, why don’t you come over on Sunday? We’re going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids. We’ll have a hell of a time.”

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they’d yell out “Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.”

Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.

Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. “Ohmigod. It’s a pepperoni.”

Locker room talk would change. “Hey, man, how’d you do this weekend?” “Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut.” “Ooooohhhhhhh, sweet!”

Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.

Supermarkets would check I.D.’s and charge admission to the poultry section.

Frederick’s of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates.

Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. “All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister.”

Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area.

Hookers would become cooks. You’d be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in day-Glo aprons. “Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?”

Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.

Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they’ll go blind.

And most of all…

Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

When last we left Impish he had just discovered that eating Tiamat’s worshipers was not unlike eating a bag of Cheetos, you always want just a few more.

Just sent letter to Tiamat’s witnesses asking them to send more missionaries. Want to try new recipe Aunt Kayath gave me.

Am thinking of trying vegetarian diet for a week or two to clean out the pipes. No ateding carnivores or omnivores. Aunt Kayath swears by it. She recommends elves only, but that seems a little extreme.

Not looking forward to Enchanted Forest Board elections. Don’t like to lose. But not so sure winning is a win over the long run. Wish I could ated elf that nominated me again. Once wasn’t enough.

Had door-to-door encyclopedia salesman today. Delicious. Wonder if ateding books too will make me smarter?

Learned today that fire breath + head cold + sneeze = flaming snot napalm. Cat is fine but not going to forgive me soon.

Cat is still VERY fluffy today. One little flaming snot incident and it’s big-tail city. You’d think I started the litter box on fire intentionally. It’s not like cat didn’t have time to get out of the way. Maybe if I fetch a fish…

Learned another lesson about dragon colds. Toasted knights! They’re wonderful for your throat—scritchy outside and gooey inside. Oh and great with tomato soup.

Stupid cold. Stupid fever. Woke up to find cat putting kettle on my forehead for tea. I’m not _that_ hot. Threatened to sneeze on litterbox again.

Feeling much better. Have a craving for Tiamat’s witnesses. Perhaps I can stop in at the restau…church and pick up a six-pack.

Cat talked me into flu shot. They used a HARPOON! No, literally, said the salvaged it from an old whaler just for dragons. Painful _and_ humiliating.

Suppose it could have been worse. They could have used pointy-face horse horn.

Cat is asleep on my head. Looks rather like a cute feline mohawk. Especially since cat’s blankie is a purple plushie. Not sparkly. Maybe fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy?

Still a tiny bit sick. Was drinking iced tea and sneezed fire down the straw. Burned the tea on the bottom. Love the smoky flavor it created. Will do that again, only without the sneeze part.