Dragon Laffs #1405


donation

Good Morning Campers,

I’d like to start out today’s issue by inviting a couple of people up on stage with me.  Diaman and Ginny, can you come up here please?
The two girls are waiting off to the side and begin to make their way slowly up to the log where Impish normally sits through his opening monologue.  You can see that they are both moving slowly and showing signs of hurting but they make the journey with smiles (possibly smiles of trepidation) on their lips.
While they make their way to the front, why don’t we review the donations list…

Joseph C. Ginny the Jersey Girl K2 Henry C.
Leah H. Fred S. Philip S. James C.
Henry S. Henry H. Jonathon J. Danny M.
Laurie F. Gail B. Lona T. Dale A.
Diaman Ginny the Jersey Girl again Don C.

Let’s see… 19 people (Counting Ginny twice) out of 447 registered subscribers…. that’s 4.3%.  Come on folks, lets get it up to 10% anyway!  Don’t you want to be a 10 percenter?  This will probably be our last final push to get our annual bills paid.  I’ve got to send a check to wordpress at the end of the week, so now’s the time.  Let’s push it over the top!

Diaman steps up to the front first.
Dragon Laffs have been a very important part of my life for several years. In the beginning, they came daily and every day my day started with a huge laugh or giggle. Now Laffs only come on Wed. & Fri., the two very special days of my week. Please, my fellow & gal Laffers, send Impish a donation to keep this ezine going.

This is the  best bargain that we get at home or on our cell phones. For the same laughs and giggles, we’d have to go to Walmart at least 4 times a week and I don’t think it’s worth the gasoline to get there…is that donations I hear trickling in?   Be good Laffers and everyone send a dollar. Can you imagine going week after week without DragonLaffs? Pretty dismal, eh?

Thank you very much Diaman.  I’m sure your request will help us out  a lot!
Now, I understand that Ginny would like to say something as well.  As many of you know, Ginny has been very outspoken in the comments section about donations.  Let’s hope she doesn’t bring the family into her talk today.

“Donation”, something we all think about around the holidays.  But, what about the other times….and what is the cause we are donating to?  Is it worthy of our hard earn dollar, well if it means something to you … hell YES!

Of course I am especially talking about Dragon Laffs and the wonders of Impish Dragon and Lethal Leprechaun.

They make us forget our problems and worries every Wednesday and Saturday.  This is why I felt I wanted  to become the Jersey Girl cheerleader for their annual 2014 Blog fundraiser I thought it was a great way to show our appreciation to both of them with any donation you can afford.  So I’m hoping this will be their very best year.

By the way, Impish and I have discussed this before, but you will be able to figure out what I’m talking about real quick.  Went to the Sand Casino in Bethlehm PA to see Last Comic standing.  No my Jersey Boy didn’t hit another big one…..but I play a slot machine with a GREEN DRAGON.  Long story short…..I can home with all the money I went with and $38.  So because the Dragon was good to me, I am spitting the $38 in half and will make another $19 donation.

Ginny, thank you ever so much.  And you didn’t threaten rip anyone’s lungs out or anything.  Very nice.  And thank you for your second donation.  It is deeply appreciated and much needed.  Thank you to ALL of our donators.  Your generosity and selflessness is deeply appreciated.

Okay, on to bigger and better things.

coollogo_com-16927796Lethal and I have been given special awards.  And I think all of you deserve to get this award as well.  Please feel free to cut and paste this into a picture program, print it out and post it in a prominent place.
1b1I’ll show you exactly where I posted mine!
4This is the front to my dragon lair…..obviously….but the entrance that I use in the form you see me in now.  My small (and admittedly adorably cute) blue form.  You’ll notice there is no street address visible.  That’s not because I don’t want any of you to visit, by all means, you are all welcome at any time, but it is a bit difficult to get to if you can’t fly.  But somehow the junk mail seems to find me, even out in my mountain lair.

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Yup.  That’s about right.  The Whelpling struggled with this awful disease when he was but a wee dragon and still going to dragon school.  But he overcame it without the use of drugs and I’m awfully proud of him for it.

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Accounting?  Accounting!! Well, I guess if I have to…
Wait!
I have a job.  Actually, I have more than one job.  Whew!
Sorry dude.  You’re on your own.

 

Up close and personal with a volcano!  Modern technology is a cool thing when we get to see stuff like this.

Wasn’t that cool?  I think that’s one of the neatest thing about what technology can offer us.  And to be able to see it, right here on your own computer.

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One of my favorite dragon pics of all time.  Isn’t she adorable?

And speaking of adorable…you’ve got to watch this short video.  This is absolutely precious!

 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
 
Thank Goodness Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.
 
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
 
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “Ill never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late

 

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Okay, this is a way cool flow chart brought to you by the friends at makeuseof.com This one is called, How strong is your attention span?  Nice, right?
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One of our minor security minions.  Looks fierce right?
And the guy behind her is security too.

 

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black.
 
So Johnny asks, “Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black ?”
 
“What does it really matter ?” his mother tells him, “If you want to know for sure you’ll just have to ask your father,”
 
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? ”
 
“What the hell kind of a question is that ? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more black ?” asks his dad.”
 
“Well, it’s like this dad… Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don’t know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it’s dark and just steal the fuckin’ thing.”

 

4d

You know, sometimes I think the exact same thing!

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge, show him your BADGE…….. ! !”

 

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Now, knowing that I know just a tiny bit about Ebola, Anthrax and a lot of nasty stuff, because it’s all part of my job, I present this little essay to you with tongue slightly in cheek, to show you how bad it’s become with this idiot in office.

Ebola – Don’t Panic – We Got This

by: the Common Constitutionalist

Our government has it all under control and we should believe them. After all, they’ve done so well with literally everything else.

We see how well this administration has handled Iraq and Afghanistan, not to mention ISIS, so far. The Obamacare website is running like a Swiss watch, or is that a Yugo.

They’ve brokered peace between Israel and the Palestinians. Oh wait… they haven’t. Russia and the U.S. have never been closer. Um… Okay, maybe not that one either.

All right, so this administration has made a few mistakes and miscalculations and maybe they haven’t been 100% honest, but hey, we all tell little white lies, don’t we?

But I just know they are all over this Ebola outbreak and I guarantee they are now and will be fully forthcoming about anything we need to know. After all, honesty is the cornerstone of the Obama administration.

So when I heard just recently that the Ebola virus Will Not make it to the United States, naturally I was relieved – that is until the virus made it to the United States.

When I heard rumors that Ebola might mutate into an airborne virus, it was panic time, until the CDC put my mind at ease. They said of the 23 known serious viruses affecting humans, none are known to have mutated in ways that infect humans. Whew! That was a close one. Then they offered this minor caveat: “Of course, we only know about a small portion of the existing viruses.” HUH?

In fact, scientists estimate that the virus has accumulated more than 395 mutations in the last 10 years and has amassed 50 mutations just between June and July of this year. “The longer the outbreak continues, the greater the opportunity the virus has to mutate”, says Charles Chiu, an infectious disease physician at UC San Francisco.

But I heard the CDC director say that Ebola can’t be spread through “Casual Contact”. That it is not an “Airborne” virus. “Direct contact” is the only way to spread the virus.

When interviewed by CNN’s Sanjay Gupta, the CDC director continually said Ebola is not airborne. It can’t be transmitted by “casual contact”. But that is a lie or at least a semi-lie. He said that he and Gupta couldn’t transmit Ebola to one another because they had no “direct” contact. But when another reporter asked whether it could be transmitted if he sneezed on the CDC director, the director laughed nervously and said they would take a hard look at that situation.

Gee, I wonder what he meant by that? Could it be that this is just another government word game, a matter of semantics? It depends on what your definition of “is” is.

Technically speaking, “Airborne” means that discharged microbes remain suspended in the air for long periods of time… The Ebola virus doesn’t react this way. So technically the CDC is correct to the letter of the definition, but they know, judging by the nervous reaction of the CDC director, that this virus can most likely be transmitted through the air via a sneeze or cough, regardless of how they define it.

In fact, Dr. Gary Kobinger, from the national microbiology laboratory at the public health agency of Canada, told BBC News that he believed that the infection was spread through large droplets that were suspended in the air. That sounds a lot like a sneeze or cough to me, but I’m not a scientist.

International health officials have also admitted that the ability of Ebola to spread via contaminated surfaces is why victims in Africa have become infected by riding in taxicabs. This also means any form of public transportation: airplanes, ambulances, subways – may harbor the virus and accelerate the spread of an outbreak.

As I said, I am not a scientist, a doctor or infectious disease expert, but most of us have been blessed with common sense and an ability to read between the government “lines”.

I don’t know how this is going to shake out but the old saying, “When they tell you not panic, that’s when you panic”, may apply in the future.

We however, are supposed to be the “thoughtful” ones, and as such, should already be prepared for when others start to panic.4g

Let’s just pray it doesn’t come to that.

Okay, so he’s overdramatizing, but not by that much.  Ebola can easily be transmitted if someone who has the virus, and is in the contagious stage, sneezes of coughs on you.  But not nearly as easily as the flu or many other type diseases. 

Do I think we will see more cases of Ebola in the US?  Yes, I can almost guarantee that we will.  Will it become the pandemic that we are currently seeing in Africa?  Not even close.

It may be horribly nasty and very ugly little guy, but it’s pretty easy to defend against.

I had a friend of mine mention to me today that doesn’t this seem an awful lot like the Ryan White thing with aids several years ago?  The craziness and the hysteria?  Yeah, it’s like that.  And it’s transferred just about the same way.  With bodily fluid transfer.  The difference?  Aids doesn’t survive as long in the environment than Ebola does.  Aids requires a bodily fluid transfer, but dies very quickly when out of the body.  Ebola requires a bodily fluid transfer, but survives much longer outside the body, so a sneeze or a cough can transfer the virus.

I think this is probably the wrong time to tell you guys that I actually have a plushy Ebola virus… just like the one there to the left.  It was a present to myself when I graduated from Tech School.

LOL. 

Yeah, I’m that crazy.

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Okay, my favorite, your favorite, all our favorite part of Dragon Laffs….
Motivational2

Give Me

Give up

Glasses

Global Warming

Glock, Paper Scissors

 

 

This delight was sent in by our own Ginny.  She’ll pay dearly for it, too.

Impish and Lethal were fishing on  the Irish shoreline when Impish pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had No matches, he asked  for a light.
 
‘Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ Lethal replied and then reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 

‘My God, man!’ exclaimed Impish, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.  ‘Where’d yew git dat monster?’

 
‘Well,’ replied Lethal, ‘I got it from my Genie.’
 
‘You haff a magic Genie?’ Impish asked.
 
‘Ya, sure. It’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Lethal.
 
‘Could I see him?’
 
Lethal opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. 
Addressing the Genie, Impish says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?’
 
‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.
 
So Impish asks the Genie for a million bucks.   The Genie disappears back into the tackle box
leaving Impish sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
 
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
 
Over the roar of the one million ducks Impish yells at Lethal, ‘What the hell?
  I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
 
Lethal answers, ‘Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?’

 

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Lethal as a baby?  Impish as a baby?  Could actually be either one of us. 

 

Test of Concentration: Both men and women fail this.  I admit, I did too.
7a

Question : What do you see that is HORRENDOUS?
Scroll down for the answer : 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Results of the Survey :
 
1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the bosom.
 
2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.
 
Answer : There’s a MOUSE on one of the doughnuts!
 

HAVE A NICE DAY !

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How’s that again?  Vegetarian Chicken Flavored Ham?  Isn’t that like a 3 way contradiction in terms?

 

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As my lovely Mrs. Dragon so succinctly put it, “Exactly!”
And as Robert A. Heinlein (The Greatest Science Fiction who ever lived) said: “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

 

 

 

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So okay, this is where the Last Word usually goes.
But the entire rest of the issue is complete and ready to go and I just got called into work.
I told them I’d be there in ten minutes, which means I have five whole minutes to wrap this issue up and get it posted, so here it goes.
Please donate, we need it and we appreciate it.
Don’t forget to rate this issues with stars at the top of the issue.
Please feel free to post comments below.

Have a great day and some great laughs.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1405

  1. Ginny says:

    Sorry for the delay in replying to this brilliant issue. Seems like the Kitchen floor needed a gravity check and crumb inspection. Yes, I did a swan dive to check these facts to be true and accurate.
    So Jersey Girl was hurting, even with all my extra padding. So without further delay here are my comments.

    I was so pleased to meet Diaman and share the prestigious log where Impish usually sits. I truly hope all our memembers took to heart our speeches on DONATIONS, we both spoke from our
    hearts. We need lots more in donations to entice Impish and Lethal to keep Dragon Laffs going.
    I don’t want to notify the “FAMILY” but we may need them to shake a few of the memembers. We know you have coins in your pockets!

    As Diaman said, where else can you get this entertainment. The volcano video was breath taking, the jokes were too funny. So how did everyone do on the concentraton test? I failed and was so busy picking out a few doughnuts. So thanks Impish for the laughs, smiles, and giggles.

  2. Danny Manger says:

    Thanks again for all the good stuff. I always look forward to seeing DragonLaffs in my mail box.Keep it up.

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