Dragonlaffs #1399


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The sun is just peeking over the nearby hills, casting long shadows across the campground where the sun’s light still hasn’t reached the small rising where Impish usually opens the issue.  Diaman is wheeled in to her usual spot by the picnic tables laden with coffee and pastries, under her umbrella and carefully lifted up and placed gently on the cushions by Thor.  If you were close enough to hear, you would be able to hear the god of thunder as he leans over and whispers in Diaman’s ear, “M’Lady, I do hope you allow me an opportunity to redeem myself.  Although I do believe I would’ve made the same bet and the subsequent side bet if you were again, drawing to an inside straight flush.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say my father or sister had something to do with it.”

Diaman tells the god, “Thor, you’re not going to renege on our side bet, are you?  Whether you think there was funniness going on or not, you made the bet in good faith.  I certainly would have upheld my side had I lost.  My famous fried chicken dinner would have been yours every Tuesday for a year.”

Thor looks stricken and replies, “M’Lady Diaman you dare question my honor?”

Diaman giggles and smacks Thor on the arm.  “No you silly.  Just teasing you.   Over these next four weeks of pushing me in my chair and lifting me in and out, you’ll develop a sense of humor, just you wait.”

Thor grimaces as he takes up position behind Diaman as the Jersey Girl, Ginny takes up a seat beside her.  Helped down from a sleigh pulled by one reindeer, by an older man with a long white beard, in a burgundy colored suit.  Everywhere the deer, sleigh or man steps, snow magically forms beneath and disappear again as they pass on.   He winks to her, puts his finger beside his nose, and disappears.  Shortly to reappear, pointing his finger at the deer and sleigh and then all disappeared again.

Diaman leans over and whispers to Ginny, “So?  What’s with St. Nick?”

“He hit on me at the poker game the other night.  Mrs. Claus saw him and he said he was only interested in helping me out, so now, according to the Mrs., he has to give me taxi service whenever I want it, so I couldn’t resist having him bring me here this morning.  But, I’m not sure I’ll do it again.  His hands were all over me the whole trip out here.  I swear the jolly old elf is like an octopus!”

“Has anyone heard about how John Z is doing?  Or what “left” he had replaced?”

Ginny leans closer and whispers, “I heard it was his left –“

Just then a huge yawn rips across the campground, shooting a huge gout of flame 500 feet into the air, searing a flock of morning doves who happened to be in the periphery of the heat.  They circle back around and do a strafing run on our beloved blue dragon’s head.  Impish snaps his jaws at the birds as they fly off, missing each and every one of them.  Shaking his head and flinging droplets of white bird droppings off his snout, he lumbers over to the nearby lake, dunks his head, shakes madly for about 30 seconds, and returns to the campground.  You notice a fish speared on one of his horns, but nobody deigns to mention it.

Good Morning Campers,
Welcome to another issue of your favorite e-zine!  We have a lot of stuff to cover, but I have a couple of announcements.  First, I know a lot of you have sent prayers and good words to several of our fellow readers who have had some medical issues lately.  Diaman has told us that the skin grafts are doing well and that she hopes to be back up and moving in a couple of weeks.  I’m sure all of us will be happy to hear that, not the least of which is Thor.  Although if I know our girl, she’ll have Thor working his full three weeks whether she actually needs him or not.
Those of you who are worried about John Z and his “left” replacement I’m afraid I don’t have any real information for you.  We haven’t heard anything about how he’s doing, although I will tell you a secret.  I heard he is replacing his left – – Oh look!  A fish!
Impish finally notices the fish speared on his horn, reaches up and pops it into his mouth.  He then licks off his fingers and continues.
So, anyway, where was I?  Oh right.
There is lots of stuff for you to go over this morning.  Some funny, some pissy, but all of it entertaining.  So without any further ado…

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Okay, here’s a good one, this ought to make you laugh out loud.

Mexico Protests Texas National Guard Troops on US Border
Really?  You’re going to protest because we are protecting our borders…from YOU?  Here’s a little more.

Mexico’s foreign ministry late Friday protested Texas Governor Rick Perry’s deployment of National Guard troops to the southern US border to halt the surge of child migrants.

Mexico “reiterates, in a firm and categorical way, its rejection of this measure,” read a statement from the foreign ministry.

“No circumstance at all or change in border security exists that justifies this measure taken by the state.”

The troop deployment “does not contribute in any way to solving the immigration problem,” and is inconsistent with US-Mexico talks aimed at “building a modern, prosperous and safe border,” the statement read.

Dear Mexican Foreign Ministry,

You don’t like us protecting our borders from your thousands of invaders?  You think I should take stuff from my family and give it to your illegal invaders?  You must be delusional! 

You want it, so therefore you are entitled to it?  That makes it right?  What are you a 3-year-old baby?  I want it so it must be mine?

Stupid. Moronic.  And Childish. 

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This video is great fun!  Ever wonder what McDonald’s serves in India?  Watch this video about what a bunch of chain fast feeders serve in other countries.  Shocking…just hilariously shocking!

 

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And Lethal thinks that dragons and felines don’t get along…just because his crazy unusual ninja cats are insane a little dragon phobic. 

 

 

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A wild ride, caught on a helmet cam:

 

 

Coincidence?  Like minds think alike…

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I honestly couldn’t believe that anyone would have purposefully quoted Adolph Hitler, but Mrs. Clinton shows her true colors here.  I checked to verify that each of the anti-Christ’s individuals above were accurately quoted.

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Rodney Dangerfield said….

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
  
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

  
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

  
A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

  
A hooker once told me she had a headache.

  
I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. .

  
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
 
 
 
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

  
I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

  
  My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

  
I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

  
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

  
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

  
I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

  
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

  
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.  

  
My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

  
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

  
I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

  
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

  
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

  
I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

  
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

  
I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

  
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.  

 
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
  
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

  
I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

  
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

  
  I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

  
    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

  
  Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.  

  
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.

  
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

 

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Best Quote EVER!

 

 

Truth Finally revealed about Viagra:  
 
I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in  Viagra !
 
• Vitamin E 3%
 
• Aspirin 2%
 
• Ibuprofen 2%
 
• Vitamin C  1%
 
• Spray Starch 5%
 
• Fix-A-Flat  87%

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Good Dog!  That’s my good boy!

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Have you heard about the ice bucket challenge?  It’s in support of ALS or Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.  Also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.  A disease very similar in nature to MS.  It’s very special to me since it took my mother-in-law, a beautiful woman who was as special to me as my own mother.

Anyway, here’s what the ALS Association has to say about the challenge:

In the last two weeks, the Ice Bucket Challenge has quite literally “soaked” the nation. Everyone from Ethel Kennedy to Justin Timberlake has poured a bucket of ice water over his or her head and challenged others do the same or make a donation to fight ALS within twenty-four hours.

Between July 29 and today, August 12, The ALS Association and its 38 chapters have received an astonishing $4 million in donations compared to $1.12 million during the same time period last year. The ALS Association is incredibly grateful for the outpouring of support from those people who have been doused, made a donation, or both. Contributions further The Association’s mission to find a cure for ALS while funding the highest quality of care for people living with the disease.

Maybe more important than the money coming in is the publicity that this little known disease is garnering by the challenge.  The deal is, if you get challenged, you have 24 hours to put a video of yourself getting doused by a bucket of ice water or you have to donate $100 to the ALS foundation.

Well, it seems that even Nancy Pelosi has gotten into the challenge.  I’m not sure who it was who challenged her, but his a picture of her challenge:
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I hope she also had the fortitude to donate the money before hand, as well.

And before any of you get upset that I’m making fun of this challenge, let me remind you how important laughter is to the good health of people with this and many similar diseases.  I’ve had a lot of you write to me and tell me so.  Besides, I put it past Mrs. Dragon and she agreed with me that anyone with ALS would have found it hilarious.

Oh look!  A late entry!
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Good going Hillary!  But, I heard that since she did the challenge, she expects her $200,000 engagement fee.  She is so poor, after all.

And even our good friend Lethal throws his comments into the ring: After hearing about Nancy and Hillary he was extremely grateful for the following:

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Oh Gee.  I’m sorry.  It’s an Impish Insight.  Like you guys didn’t know that Lethal Leprechaun wrote all of the Impish’s Insights that he posts in his issues?  You never looked at the copyright at the bottom of the picture?

Really?

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Good book.  Anyone else read it?  I wonder if the movie is going to be any good.  (And yes, I’m not afraid to say that I read the book, as well as the second and third one.  Does that challenge your sensibilities?)

 

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LOL!  That was me!  Not only did I not notice, I had to look twice after I read it, to even see him!

 

When we

Ain’t that the truth.  Just like we’d never follow the coyote over the cliff and expect to walk away from the poof of dust at the bottom.

 

you were right

free baby unicorn

 

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Okay, believe it or not, this started out earlier in the issue as a mini-rant.  It has been built up through the week and is now worth a full blown Last Word.  I’m so sick of this jerk, it’s painful…

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Yeah, you can really tell how important the military is to the current administration.  No wonder our vets are getting such a crappy deal.  There’s NO RESPECT shown at all!!!

Major General Harold Greene, the 2-star general killed in Afghanistan August 5, was laid to rest Thursday at Arlington National Cemetery.

It was a beautiful service that was only missing one important attendee:

The President of the United States.

Also missing were the vice president and the secretary of defense.

Major General Harold Greene was the highest ranking military member killed in action since Vietnam. And our country’s military commander in chief, Mr. Obama, must have had something terribly important to deal with.  With all the chaos going on in the world right now, it would be easy to understand.  Was he talking with the Israelis and the Palestinians? No?  Then he must’ve been dealing with the border problem on our southern border…no?  Not there either?  Hmm, he must’ve been working out a way to keep Russia from going nuclear.  No on that one, too?

Then what major crisis was he dealing with?

He was on the golf course.

HE WAS ON THE FRIGGIN’ GOLF COURSE!!??

Then Mr. Obama comes before the country to say how deplorable the murder of James Foley, the newsman who was beheaded by ISIS was.  It was awful.  Barbaric.  And a direct threat to the United States saying more Americans will be beheaded if Obama doesn’t do as they tell him.

This is pretty important stuff.  So important that Mr. Obama didn’t even wear a tie to the press conference.  He shows that he is ready to get to work to solve this and the other problems of the nation. 

Right?

He’s going right to work, isn’t he?

Hell no!  Forty-five minutes later he was back on the friggin’ golf course.  Setting a perfect picture to the family of James Foley who were mourning their son.  And the leader of the free-world? 

Golfing.

Can someone please help me understand this?

What a disgraceful, no-account horse’s ass. What the hell are we paying him for?

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I wish I was an artist so I could paint a more vivid picture of just how disgusted I am by this man.  I truly believe that he is the worst thing for our country that has ever happened.  The worst president EVER…of any country.

And to show how our first black president has helped racism in our country, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last week, you know about what’s been happening in Ferguson, MO.  Even though it’s beginning to look like the big Teddy Bear Michael Brown beat the crap out of the officer and was shot (while having one eye he couldn’t see out of and probably couldn’t see too much better out of the other) by a cop in fear for his life.  (Even his buddy has recanted his story).  The riots and burning of buildings and all the other bullshit CRAP that is going on there, up pops this article:

Nonwhite cop kills unarmed white youth, national media, AG and POTUS ignore

A brutal natural experiment is underway demonstrating the role of race, riots, and radicals in determining whose death is noted, and whose ignored in racialized America when unarmed young men are shot and killed by police.  While American and world media, along with the President and Attorney General of the United States,  obsess over the death of Michael Brown at the hands of the Ferguson, Missouri police, few people outside of Utah have heard of the remarkably parallel and contemporaneous death of Dillon Taylor, an unarmed young man (and father-to-be) from a gun shot by a Salt Lake City policeman, whose name has not been released, but who has been identified the SLC chief of police as nonwhite.

Read more: http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2014/08/nonwhite_cop_kills_unarmed_white_youth_national_media_ag_and_potus_ignore.html#ixzz3BAPqmzTz 

Rioting in Salt Lake City?  Everyone up in arms?  Al Sharpton?  Is Al in the room?  Does anyone hear anything over the riotous cricket sounds in the background?

NO!

OF COURSE NOT!!!

It gets worse.  The Salt Lake City police all wear body cams, so the chief of police knows EXACTLY what happened.  Okay, honestly, even cops make mistakes and everyone who reads this blog knows that I am a HUGE proponent of our police forces.  Not to say that this wasn’t a mistake of huge proportion.  But, what I’m trying to say is that, although the final verdict is not in, it’s almost a given that the cop screwed up. 

That’s not even the case in Ferguson.  Not even close.  But what other differences in the two cases can we find…  I’ll leave that question up to the Al Sharptons of the world to answer.

My point is that the horse’s ass of a president that we are currently saddled with hasn’t uttered a peep.  And never has, unless a black person was involved and could be perceived as the aggrieved person.  And he has the unmitigated gall to say that racism is still a problem in our country is.

OF COURSE IT IS!!! As long as people like HIM are put in a position to make a difference and keep CREATING the damn problem it will continue.

Racism is alive and well in this country, thanks to the current administration.

horse's asses

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13 Responses to Dragonlaffs #1399

  1. Frenchie says:

    Great common sense here. Wish I’d thought of that.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Wish you’d thought not to try spamming us Frenchie.
      It’s only more of the common sense you talk of that we’d remove the sapm and keep your comment.

  2. paul says:

    try this?? – due to the drought – the water police are giving out tickets for the ALS ice water challenge…http://dailycurrant.com/2014/08/15/california-fining-ice-bucket-challenge-participants-for-wasting-water/

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Sorry Paul but there goes the BS flag! This is satire not truth. You’ve been gotcha’d

      The Daily Currant is an English language online satirical newspaper that covers global politics, business, technology, entertainment, science, health and media. It is accessible from over 190 countries worldwide – now including South Sudan.

      Our mission is to ridicule the timid ignorance which obstructs our progress, and promote intelligence – which presses forward.

      Q. Are your news stories real?

      A. No. Our stories are purely fictional. However they are meant to address real-world issues through satire and often refer and link to real events happening in the world

  3. I have what I think is a very good solution: With the elections coing up shortly.. Let’s start a campaign to unseat EVEry single member of the House and Wenate and replace them with someone who will do what is necessary to set this nation right!

    • Sorry for the typos..I didn’t proof it before hitting send (oops)

      • impishdragon says:

        Even with the typos Larry, I think we all got your gist. And I think it’s a marvelous idea. Clear them ALL out and start over again. And do that for every election until we start getting some representatives in there who are willing to do what we pay them to do!

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Been sayin’ that for years Larry. Unfortunately they’ve built themselves an insular power dynasty and the ONLY thing both sides agree on is that they have to keep it that way by keeping us common sense folk out and in the dark.

  4. Ginny says:

    Wonder if my sleigh has handicap plates? Also in order to pull this Joisey girl…you gonna need more then one reindeer! So nice to be part of the Dragon’s Lair, it was an honor to watch him swish his tail and breath fire. As always, Impish you out did yourself.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      While client confidentiality (as well as the desire to continue to receive my annual present)prevent me from revealing North Pole trade secrets, I can assure you that with only you and the driver, a single reindeer is sufficient power to pull you along at a (literally) breath taking pace.

      • impishdragon says:

        It’s no great secret about our Tuesday night poker games. Hell, if you email Kris during that time he has an out of office message that says that he’s at DL&LL playing games! And Thor openly brags about beating us out of money whether he wins any pots or not that night. He believes that just by being there he is giving us poor mortals a gift, therefore he is always a winner. We all KNOW that he is a braggart and it was really nice to see Diaman put him in his place. As far as going through your address book, why the hell would I go through your address book, it’s not like I can’t see them when they are there. Geez. You are a paranoid little Leprechaun. And yes, I know that since most of “them” ARE after you, your paranoia is justified, but please try and remember that I’m your friend, business partner, partner in crime, fellow mythical creature and best bud.
        Besides, it’s not like I made mention of any of your secret bankers or anything.

    • impishdragon says:

      Ginster, you don’t need handicap plates with his sleigh. He can pretty much park anywhere he likes and the Great Green One is right, one magical reindeer is more than enough to keep the wild Joisey girl look in your eye. The next time you have him pick you up, you might ask him to take you out to Seaside and get pizza at Lucky Leo’s on the boardwalk or do a little surfing.

  5. lethalleprechaun says:

    Thor? Kris Kringle? You were nosing around in my client address book again while I was gone weren’t you Impish! And here I was just about to let you out of the dog house!

    The only thing learning you’ve read 50 Shades of Gray challenges when it comes to my sensibilities is my respect of your literary choices, however given (by your own admission) previously bad choices in wives I should have suspected it.
    Actually what I heard was Mrs. Dragon (the current one) MADE you read it calling it ‘remedial help’

    I’ll admit too had to hunt for Kong but at least I was reading the issue on a tablet!

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