Dragon Laffs #1387


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Good Morning Campers.

I’m still recovering from that fantastic Memorial Day Weekend Party/BBQ Bash/Orgy/Mosh Pit/Karaoke/Dance fest.  I’m relatively sure my head is still not quite attached to my body.  My wings have gone somewhere they weren’t supposed to and my tail is still in an embarrassing place waiting for a surgeon to remove it.  (and no!  It’s no where in my own anatomy, Lethal!  I didn’t invite that damn congressman, but when I find out who did they will be banned from any future parties!)

Anyway, what do you say we just get on with the laughter.  Drink some coffee.  Wait for the doctor.  Sound like a plan?  Good!  Then…

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Staggering in from the huge Memorial Day Bash, the drunken Leprechaun collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

 

“That’s it Lethal! I’ve had it this time,” his wife screamed. “I’m cutting you off forever!”

 

“That’s impossible,” the leprechaun replied, “you don’t even know where I’m getting it!”

 It fun to poke at Lethal and Molly, one of the most loving and dedicated couples I’ve ever known.  Did you guys see them at the party?  Wondering round, holding hands, watching the drunks.  It was really sweet.  You guys are the best!  Cheers, you guys!

Okay, so maybe I’m just a little weird, but this picture cracked me up bad!  And now the damn song is stuck in my head!

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This stinker goes a long way for a real groaner of an ending

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

 

One summer, they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.  She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

 

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

 

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

 

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

 

He said he hadn’t.

 

Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband, and then leave.

 

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

 

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.


“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

 

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

 

The man grinned and said. “She’s a battery salesperson.”

 

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

 

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the seashore.”

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This is some awesome artistic talent!

Would you let your dog be treated this way?

 

The top 10 reasons we look like complete idiots to the rest of the world:

Number 10) Only in America…could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate campaign fund-raising event.

 

Number 9) Only in America …could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black 40% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!

 

Number 8) Only in America…could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

 

Number 7) Only in America…can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

 

Number 6) Only in America…would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens (probably should be number one).

 

Number 5) Only in America….could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”

 

Number 4) Only in America…could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

Number 3) Only in America…could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company(Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

 

Number 2) Only in America….could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

 

And Number 1) Only in America…could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

 

5a

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

At graduation day, Bubba didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one-question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, “Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.” Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. “Bubba,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, “I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”

A hush fell over the auditorium…and then the Alabama students began another chant. “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

922

Fantasy pix2

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Here’s an unusual test, that should get you thinking…

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?

I’ll admit it.  I missed #3.

 

925

 

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly…

 

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

 

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

 

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

 

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

 

 

‘So I just switched the heads.’

 

 

 


(BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

5c

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Recent Survey
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A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:

Five percent said it was to get a glass of water.

Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom.

Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

 

922

AMEN!  Me too!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

 

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.”

“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

 

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A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, “Get out of here with that dog!”

The guy said, “But this isn’t just any dog… this dog can play the piano!”

The bartender replied, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay… and have a drink on the house!”

So the guy sat the dog on the piano stool, and the dog started playing. Ragtime, Mozart… and the bartender and patrons enjoyed the music. Suddenly a bigger dog ran in, grabbed the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and dragged him out.

The bartender asked the guy, “What the hell was that all about?”

The guy replied, “Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”

923

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan and took a seat at the bar.

 

The bartender came over and asked “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

 

The gentleman responded, “Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn’t like it, and never tried it again.”

 

The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one.

 

The gentleman refused, saying, “I tried smoking once, didn’t like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn’t be in here at all, except that I’m waiting for my son.”

 

The bartender retorted, “Your only child, I presume?”

 

924

readers comments

Here’s a really good letter that I received from Tom in Oregon that I was going to just share with Lethal (since it is regards to his Memorial Day issue) but thought I’d share with all of you.

 

I was more than touched and impressed by your Veterans Day presentation (And Lethal of course too.) You have far too few subscribers. I want to copy and print sections of your work and circulate some truth around to unknowing citizens. If I could do that, I would! It’s very sad that so many Americans are unaware that they are losing their freedom.

In 2007 I warned everyone that I could about what was about to happen. I was ignored and often called crazy. Not once have my predictions been wrong. No, I’m not one who can foresee the future, only the plain truth that was and is so very obvious.

I have looked all through history and have seen the results of socialism as you have. I believe it’s a little different this time. Brain washing the American people IS working for this administration and it shows. The dumbing down of young people has worked very well and the banning of religion is growing.

When the government has control of the media and fills us with lies and propaganda we lose. When the people finally wake up it will be too late. Socialism is a poison and a disease that is very hard to cure. As history has shown, it can’t be cured until it is too late. People don’t want to give up their “Free shit.” Obama wants everyone to be dependent on him and he’s doing it. You know that so I won’t go on about it. 

I’ve always felt that it’s human nature to protect what is yours and to thrive to do better. To work hard and to be proud of what you have achieved. Even if it’s only a little. How can an American be proud of this government? It is more than shameful.

 

I can remember when Bush 43 was damned for smoking a cigar and having an occasional beer. Now we have a president who smokes cigarettes, used marijuana, used cocaine, heroine and who knows if he still does?

I’ll stop now because I’m disgusted at my thoughts of the future.

With people like you and Lethal, we might have a chance. Don’t ever stop and thank you for all you’ve done. I’ll probably be executed as soon as I send this.

 

Tom

Take heart, gentle readers, I have heard from Tom since he sent this and he hasn’t been executed…although they may just be waiting for the popularity to die down a little and then …. no, no, no!  Tom will be fine, I promise.  We’ve posted a few dwarven knights around his place in Oregon and he’ll be fine.

Thank you for the kind and eloquent words, Tom.  You have given us the best gift we can receive from any of our readers, the gift of response. 

And to all of you like-minded people out there, don’t sit on your duffs, get out, talk about your feelings and your fears, caution your friends and families, let them know that the time to act is NOW.  Novembers elections are almost here and we have a chance to make a change.  Real change this time, not Obamas bullshit change.
1

 

A huge ripping sound echoes through the campground followed by a loud dragon like sigh!

You’ll be glad to know that I no longer have the politician impaled on my tail and every thing came out just fine.  Oh, the politician is dead.  But, he was amongst the walking dead anyway, so no huge loss.

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Last Word2

The Continuing VA Scandal

I find myself again pissed off over what the Veteran’s Administration has been doing to our honored Vets.  More and more bullshit is coming to light the longer this thing seems to go on.  Is there no end in sight?  Is there no point at which we can say, “Okay, this is it.  This is all of it.”?  Apparently not.

Congress: Wait times at VA tied to bonuses?

In opinion piece, VA secretary says he found report ‘reprehensible’

Author: By Tom Cohen and Chelsea J. Carter CNN

WASHINGTON (CNN) –

Calls mounted Thursday for a criminal investigation into sometimes fatal delays in care at Veterans Affairs hospitals amid revelations that patient wait times were tied to employee bonuses in at least one hospital.  http://www.click2houston.com/news/Politics/Congress-Wait-times-at-VA-tied-to-bonuses/26223344 

Again with the damn bonuses.  You guys already know how I feel about that.  So, let’s move on.

The VA has acknowledged 23 deaths nationwide due to delayed care. The VA’s acting inspector general, Richard Griffin, told a Senate committee in recent weeks that his investigation so far had found a possible 17 deaths of veterans waiting for care in Phoenix. But he added that there was no evidence excessive waiting was the reason.

23 deaths!  Why are there not more people screaming about this?  Why is the president biding his time?  Well, for one opinion on this here’s another article:

CNN Reporter to White House: “How Many Dead Veterans Do You Need?”
Read more at http://minutemennews.com/2014/05/cnn-reporter-white-house-many-dead-veterans-need/#yhHewDfl4BmayQ2E.99

I suspect the real answer is as many as they can get.  After all, veterans tend to vote Republicans.

  Like cutting Medicare, cutting Tricare and letting the VA kill vets is one way to kill off the voters least

likely to vote for the Democratic Party.

The president seems completely oblivious to all that’s going on around him.  “I had no idea anything was wrong in Benghazi!”  “What do you mean, Vets are dying?”  It’s appalling!

5b

The man is worse than incompetent.  He’s doing permanent damage to our country, our infrastructure and our lives!
Carney repeated Thursday that Obama found the report deeply troubling, and a White House official speaking on the condition of anonymity told CNN that Shinseki was on “thin ice” with the President.

Yes, yes, Shinseki needs to be fired.  New management is the only thing that has a chance of fixing this problem.  But, he’s not the only one who needs to get the axe.  It needs to follow right to the top.  Obama needs to resign in shame!

In an opinion piece published Thursday in USA Today, Shinseki wrote that he found the report “reprehensible” and that he’s “not waiting to set things straight.”

3d

Yeah, right.

Give me a break.  If it wasn’t for the fact that some reporter somewhere finally got a letter from someone that he actually read, decided it was a slow enough news day pushing his nose up the liberal left’s ass, and wrote a story about how our Vets were dying at VA facilities, none of this, and I mean NONE of it, would have ever come to light.

You actually think that Shitski didn’t know what was going on?  He hadn’t a clue that things were this bad?  Really?

If so, I’ve got this great bridge to sell you.  Hardly ever used and in a great location:
3e

We’ll  have it all nice and cleaned up for you.

Now we have this headline:

42 VA Hospitals Now Under Criminal Investigation, Up From 26

And the full article is here:
http://healthcare.dmagazine.com/2014/05/29/42-va-hospitals-now-under-criminal-investigation-up-from-26/

A preliminary report by the Inspector General revealed that its criminal investigation of the country’s beleaguered Veteran Affairs health system has expanded from 26 facilities to 42.

The report, which you can read here, was in reference to allegations at the VA at Phoenix, specifying that it “substantiated that significant delays in access to care negatively impacted the quality of care at this medical facility.”

But it also signals that the national investigation has expanded. Namely:

“To date, we have ongoing or scheduled work at 42 VA medical facilities and have identified instances of manipulation of VA data that distort the legitimacy of reported waiting times. When sufficient credible evidence is identified supporting a potential violation of criminal and/or civil law, we have contacted and are coordinating our efforts with the Department of Justice.

42!  FORTY-TWO!!!  And has anyone seen a list of these 42 facilities?  I’m a damn good researcher and I couldn’t find them.  I even read the whole, disgusting report referenced in the second paragraph above and I couldn’t find anything other than the one Phoenix facility that’s taking all the heat right now.

Why won’t they give us a list of the facilities under investigation?  I sure as hell want to know, even if for the fact that someday I might have to go back to the VA for medical treatment.  Is it because if they start naming names than people are going to realize that the list is actually much, much larger when they don’t see the name of a facility on the list that they KNOW is under investigation?  Is it possible that the list is actually much larger?  Even in to the hundreds?  I think so. 

Trust me folks.  The truth will eventually come out, like it always does.  Just like we all know who killed Kennedy, which aliens are really in Area 51, how many people the Clintons really had killed and where Obama’s real birth certificate and school records are.
Sure.
It will happen.

Want another picture of that bridge?
cheers3

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