Dragon Laffs #1371


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Good morning my friends.  I’ve just completed my first week back at work and it’s been a weird one for sure.  Wednesday, we got snowed in…AGAIN …
Here’s a little example of my darling dragonette shoveling snow.
izzy shoveling email

What a great helper she’s been!  Anyway, we’ve got more snow scheduled for this weekend and I have my first weekend duty since I’ve been back.  I’m glad because I sure need the time and a half, but after not having worked for so long, I kinda need the weekend off, as well.  Oh well, it will be fun regardless of what happens.

Speaking of having fun, I think it’s time for us to do the same.  It’s time for us to cut loose, so…

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Okay, so maybe talking about ice cream in the middle of winter is not the best thing to do, but this is way cool!  If you’ll pardon the pun!

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Thanks to buddy Wheats for this one! And there is a lot more truth to this than one first might see:

How to turn a mundane, everyday task into a major production.

1) Notice that one of the three clear 60W bulbs on the bathroom light fixture over the mirror is burned out
2) Turn off light switch and turn on overhead light with the fan in it so you can remove the bulb without any unexpected sparks
3) Slowly twist bulb so as to remove it from its threaded metal base, leaving same behind in socket
4) Curse quietly
5) Get needle nose pliers to remove the metal threaded part. 
6) Go to Wal-Mart to get clear incandescent 60W bulbs.  (need 3)
7) Drive another 30 minutes to another place in town that actually HAS the clear 60W incandescent bulbs
8) Get home, decide upon a plan. It would be good to remove the glass shrouds from the fixture for a good washing before changing all the bulbs.
9) Remove shrouds by unscrewing the metal collar from the ceramic thing that holds the lamp socket in the fixture
10) Wash shrouds, towel dry, set them aside.
11) Dust stainless steel fixture, making it clean and presentable.
12) Install the shrouds
13) On the third shroud of three, cross-thread the little steel collar that screws onto the ceramic thing that holds the the lamp socket in the fixture
14) Try to figure out what went wrong.
15) Attempt to unscrew said metal ring, and realize it’s stuck on there good and tight.
16) Become more and more aggravated as any/all attempts to unscrew it fail, noting also that you have unscrewed the mounting hardware BEHIND the ceramic thing that holds the metal light socket to the fixture.
17) Curse a little less quietly
18) Decide to remove the entire fixture because there’s really no other way to get any leverage on it.
19) Remove the other two shrouds so they don’t get broken
20) Unscrew the two nuts that hold the cheap, flimsy, piece o’ crap fixture to the wall.
21) Unscrew the wire nuts that hold the two wires to the fixture.
22) Cut yourself while doing so
23) Bleed all over the fixture
24) Go to the couch, carrying the fixture, sit down and weep quietly.
25) Re-measure yourself and focus on getting the cross-threaded metal piece off the ceramic thing that holds the metal socket in place.
26) Unscrew said socket via the two newly-discovered screws so as to get more play in the wires.
27) Note that the two %$@&* wires won’t budge a millimeter even though there’s nothing holding them tight.
28) Curse loudly, scare the dog.
29) Fiddly-fart around with the metal collar until you get it to break free, while partially ruining the ceramic thing that holds the light socket
30) Notice the blood for the first time that you have gotten all over everything.
31) Clean up the blood
32) Curse.
33) Slowly and carefully reassemble the light fixture so that it will actually work again, not just hang on the wall and fool people.
34) Take Fixture back to bathroom
35) Try to reattach wire nuts, noting that the electrician who installed it didn’t strip very much wire off the fixture when he originally installed it.
36) Get wire strippers, or, use the toenail clippers in the cabinet to strip more wire on the leads so that the wire nuts have more to grab onto
37) Cut yourself again on the stamped sheet metal of this POS effing mother-effing bleepity bleep bleep thing
38) Bleed more
39) Place unit against wall while locating the mounting screws that hold it in place.
40) Look for the mounting nuts and realize you left them in the living room.
41) Let fixture dangle by its wires while you go to the living room and spend twenty minutes looking for the attachment nuts.
42) Put hands in pockets
43) Take nuts out of pockets and go to bathroom to install fixture on wall. 
44) Repeat step 39 while keeping a close watch on where the nuts are and install them.
45) Slowly, carefully, install shrouds so that the metal rings don’t cross-thread on the ceramic parts that hold the sockets in place
46) Carefully remove new clear incandescent lightbulbs from their bubble packs.  Screw into their sockets slowly.
47) Turn on light switch and marvel at being a modern human being who has light at the flick of a switch.
48) Wipe up any excess leftover blood
And there you have it.  It’s so easy, anyone can do it.  However, I won’t be doing it again any time soon.  I’ll buy candles.

Now this is a way cool desk for the proper geek!

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This is the greatest parking job ever!  Well, maybe not the greatest…or even the safest…but one of the most exciting.  Yeah, that would work.

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Indeed, what is it that we’ve allowed that pervert Walt Disney teach our kids!!!!  Oh my!  I’m shocked, I tell you!  Shocked!

 

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Snow is a 4-Letter Word.  Sung from Canada, but the theory is the same. 

and as much as I truly love the snow, and I really do, I’m getting a little tired of it.  There’s so much of it now that it’s getting in the way.  Our guys on base are to the point that they are having trouble finding places to move it to.  They are talking about trucking it out to the back part of the base.  It’s one thing to pay people to plow the snow, it’s another thing completely when you have to pay even more people to put it in dump trucks and move it less than a mile to get it out of the way.

Anyway, I think I’m with the snowman, it’s time for warmer weather.

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Caffine is the
foundation of
my food Pyramid!

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I’m not 100% sure, since this picture was sent to me anonymously, plain brown envelope, slipped under my door, but I think this might be one of Lethal’s cats.  Lord knows they are both smart enough to beat most any Mario game on any game platform.

 

Okay, so this is an old joke, but I don’t believe that is reason enough to disqualify this as a truly funny joke…

Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.
The woman in the back seat – in her usual abrasive and abusive manner, says to her chauffeur,
“You get out and check on that poor cow–you were driving.”
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there”
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin
on his face.
“My God, What Happened to You?” asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch,
the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me.”
“What on earth did you say?” asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door……….and when it opened I said to them,
“I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow.”

 

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11 Reasons why working in a cubicle sucks:

1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!

2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.

8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

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I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but i went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.  She leaned over and pushed me!

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Oh lord, that was horrible!!!!

 

 

At a senior citizen’s meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn’t like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn’t like her.

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The Irony

the sex

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious! Here she is –- in the middle of dealing with this Syrian mess — now *this* has happened to her! She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I’ve just found out I’m FIVE WEEKS PREGNANT! And it’s all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “DID YOU HEAR ME?” Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: “Who’s this speaking?”

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This must be an example of that “new” math I’ve been hearing about…

A woman went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. “How much is it?” she asked the storekeeper. “14 cents,” answered the storekeeper to the lady. “14 cents! For what?” asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents.” “I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11.” “What are you saying?” “As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11…I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11!

 

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President Obama was interviewed by Bill O’Reilly before the Super Bowl. The partisan knives came out after the game. Republicans blame Denver’s poor play on Obamacare while Democrats accuse Governor Chris Christie of blocking all Bronco lanes to the end zone.

 

The Seattle Seahawks killed the Denver defense by repeatedly running an end-around play with the speedy Percy Harvin against the Broncos defense. It often works. The end-around is President Obama’s favorite play against Congress but he calls it the executive order.

 

House Republicans unveiled an immigration reform bill that will allow illegal aliens to receive work cards but not U.S. citizenship. It’d also seal off the U.S.-Mexican border before going into effect. The GOP goal is to appeal to Hispanic voters without creating more of them.

 

NASA announced plans to set up a facility on Mars that can create water and oxygen on Mars to aid colonization. What’s the point? In two years, the Curiosity Rover has found no football, no beer and no porn on Mars, destroying all hopes that men could survive there.

 

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Ending

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