I’d like to take a moment to offer a heartfelt & sarcastic ‘thank you’ to you all for the deafening silence regarding the milestone of 3 years of Leprechaun Laughs. I got exactly one ‘Congrats’ from anyone other than Impish who was contractually obligated to do so.
Your overwhelming lack of caring and/or appreciation was, to say the least, staggering in its ambivalence. To say the most it was highly insulting as well as a major eye opening revelation for me, one that will be having me reexamining my priorities and commitment to this blog for some time to come. Especially with my 200th issue upcoming shortly as well.
At the moment I have nothing else to say to you people. Go on, get out of my face and leave me in unappreciated peace. No there is no coffee or pastries this morning. From now on you want a free ride go to a liberal’s blog.
The Ultimate Response to a Dear John Letter
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”
“It’s my code,” says a mailman named Drew,
“To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through.”
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew,
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
I thought that we never would part
So I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She’s not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart.
An inventor’s annoyed by a hum
That she hears in her head; she’s not dumb.
“Make a dildo,” says voice “
And let women rejoice.
If you build it,” voice said, “they will cum.”
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
But now that it’s in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?”
On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale,
Were tattooed the prices of Ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
The same information is in Braille.
There was a young plumber from Lee,
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid: `Cease your plumbing,
I think someone’s coming.’
Said the plumber, still plumbing: `It’s me.’
Said a nun as the bishop withdrew,
“This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker,
And thicker and quicker,
And two inches longer than you.”
A dentist, young doctor Malone, G
ot a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
Now she’s nursing the filling at home!
I thought that we never would part
So I gave to that trollop, my heart
But the slut often strays
She’s not mended her ways
It appears I have made a false tart.
Close first cousins got caught sneaking
Having sex in the barn squeaking.
And though it’s unlawful
They weren’t all that awful;
At least relatively speaking.
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
There was a young engineer named Miss Holt,
Who had an assistant as spry as a Colt.
When she asked for a screw,
What did the young man do,
But offer her two nuts and a bolt.
Drunk in Saudi Arabia
An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.
The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early….
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan .
He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Thought you would appreciate it if I passed this on,
Its a good investment tip!
Impish was recounting one of his many ‘adventures’ as he likes to call them to me recently over coffee:
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine! I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ………
but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Well the old manure spreader has really been working over time this week. I’ll bet I got this one from a dozen different sources including some of you.
DOJ & FBI Raid News Media Offices After Releasing an Alarming Story on President Obama!
Posted about 15 hours ago [actually it was posted on Facebook, June 8, 2013. There’s your first clue right there, it was posted FIRST to Facebook the Internet equivalent of the CB radio and NOT but a “reputable” (I use the broadest interpretation of that word here) news agency]
FBI Agents Load Seized Documents From the National Report’s Offices
By National Report Staff
<National Report> Within hours of publishing a scathing story on President Obama (http://wp.me/p3dd01-Yp) the DOJ raided the offices of the National Report claiming the raid was lawful under the USA Patriot Act but refusing to say why the government was taking the action.
At about 12:50 this afternoon the National Report released a damning story on the Obama birth certificate scandal providing new evidence which clearly shows the document to be fraudulent. According to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, his Cold Case Posse has the evidence to prove the presidents birth certificate was computer generated using Adobe Illustrator.
Cold Case Posse lead investigator Mike Zullo, revealed for the first time that his findings have been confirmed in a 40 page report by Reed Hayes, a Certified Documents Examiner (CDE) from Hawaii. The birth certificate posted to the White House website clearly shows it was forged using cut & paste methods in several layers.
At about 2:08 pm employees at the National Report were shocked when dozens of black clad machine gun toting DOJ agents wearing black masks entered the National Report office forcing everyone to the ground while demanding they put their hands on top their heads. After securing all employees FBI agents entered and began questioning employees and seizing files and other documents.
“We did exactly as they told us,” said National Report’s publisher Allen Montgomery, who added “No one knew what was happening.” Its being reported that the offices of Montgomery and Editor-in-Chief Nigel Covington, were ransacked and boxes of files were seized and carted off by FBI agents.
Covington said, “This is a gross violation of our Constitutional rights as American citizens and as journalists. All our files relating to President Obama were seized with others including all employee personnel files.”
Montgomery said federal agents did not have a warrant and offered no explanation for the action. He added about an hour before the raid, the National Report had released a story about the mounting evidence which confirms Obama’s birth records are in fact forged. Montgomery said most employees were so shaken up by the raid he let them go home early.
More on this breaking story as it becomes available.
The National Report says: ‘All news articles contained within National Report are fiction’
So, here’s what folks are overlooking while they’re so busy confirming their own biases. The National Report (warning, the site contains material some will find offensive) is a fake news website dotted with satirical headlines like “Reports of Infant Formula Tainted with Cat Semen on the Rise,” “Police Release Sketch of Serial Masturbator Who Cops Say Has Wretched Taste in Women,” and “Boy Scouts Announce Boobs Merit Badge.”
It is plainly not a source of real news.
For those who aren’t convinced (God help you!), the site’s disclaimer page (note, any spelling errors are in the original) reads as follows:
*DISCLAIMER: National Report is a news and political satire web publication, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. [sic] The views expressed by writers on this site are theirs alone and are not reflective of the fine journalistic and editorial integrity of National Report. Advice given is NOT to be construed as professional. If you are in need of professional help (and you may be if you are on this page), please consult a professional. National Report is intended for a mature audience and not for children under the age of 18.
“Five Horses Is Her Name”
This is too beautiful not to share!
This is mythical and deep …. Truly beautiful.
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?”
The Old Indian answered, “It is an old Indian name. It means ….”
“NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”
Shakedown ‘justice’ in Mexico
By Ruben Navarrette, CNN Contributor updated 12:51 PM EDT, Fri May 31, 2013
(CNN) — I keep thinking of those television ads from the Mexican tourism industry urging Americans to “Come visit Mexico.”
Visiting isn’t difficult. For some Americans, it’s leaving that’s the problem.
For years, U.S. officials have urged their Mexican counterparts to get tough on drug traffickers. The Americans even provided $1.4 billion through the Merida Initiative to help our friends south of the border accomplish that goal.
Yet, the drama unfolding in the state of Sonora — just across the border from Arizona — can’t be what U.S. officials had in mind.
The idea was to help Mexico’s police and military pursue violent criminals — the sort who terrorize people by scattering human heads like party favors on the dance floors of nightclubs — not to prey on Americans held for ransom by crooked cops looking for their next payday.
And that’s what appears to be driving the story of Yanira Maldonado, a 42-year-old U.S. citizen who sits in a women’s prison in Nogales, Mexico, on what seem to be bogus drug charges. Maldonado — who is Mormon, and has seven children, and two grandchildren — is represented by a Mexican attorney. We don’t know for sure what happened. But if Yanira is innocent of these charges, which is the most likely scenario given that the Mexican authorities have no evidence of her guilt, she must be released immediately.
Meanwhile, the U.S. State Department is monitoring the situation and providing the family with updates. [Oh THAT is SO comforting! Especially in the light of how well they ‘monitored’ the ‘situation in Benghazi and how well that turned out for the American Citizens there! The ONLY ‘successful’(9in the broadest sense of the term) hostage negation that our State Department has ever forced its way into was the Iranian Hostage Crisis back in 1979-1981 and THAT ok them 444 days and a Presidency change to accomplish!]
The family’s nightmare began last week when the Mexican-born Yanira and her husband, Gary, boarded a bus to head back to the United States after attending her aunt’s funeral in Mexico.
That was their first mistake. Those of us who visit Mexico know you never get on a bus. It makes you easy pickings for bandits and bad cops, and sometimes you can’t tell the difference. Bandits might take your money, and let you go on your way. Bad cops take your liberty, and hold it until someone back home sends enough money to let you go on your way.
Either way, it’s not personal. It’s just a business transaction. But it’s a cruel and ugly business.
Anyway, back to the bus. It came up to a military checkpoint — which might as well be a toll booth — and everyone was taken off the bus as soldiers boarded it.
“I was at the checkpoint, asked to get off bus,” Yanira told CNN from prison. “They were checking for drugs and I don’t know what else. They say they found something under the seat but I never saw anything. They didn’t show me anything. It was amazing all what they did.”
The soldiers claim that they found a package containing 12.5 pounds (5.7 kilograms) of what appeared to be marijuana under Yanira’s seat. And so they placed her under arrest, and handed the case over to the Mexican attorney general’s office for prosecution.
Maybe the authorities are telling the truth. Or maybe the drugs were there before she ever sat down. Or maybe the soldiers put the drugs there. Or maybe there were no drugs. No one knows, because, conveniently, the only people on the bus were the soldiers.
Whatever happened, it seems unlikely that a woman could have carried a package weighing over 12 pounds onto a bus and slipped it under her seat without being noticed.
He also says that when his wife was taken into custody, one of the soldiers told him matter-of-factly that it would cost him $5,000 to get her released. Later, according to family members, he was quoted the same price by civilian authorities — $5,000 — for her release, whether she was found guilty or not.
That’s how it works. Think of it as a processing fee.
In Mexico, stories like this one — which are all about money, and corruption, and how predatory some hungry people can be when they catch a glimpse of a piece of bread — are as common as piñatas and margaritas.
But that’s not supposed to be the case anymore.
I was in Mexico City in November on a mission sponsored by the American Jewish Committee. We met with top officials, including President Enrique Pena Nieto, and the message could not have been clearer. “With a booming economy, less crime in metropolitan areas, and the reins of power now back in the hands of the Institutional Revolutionary Party, the country is open for business. This is the new Mexico.”
Sorry folks, it seems there are still unseemly remnants of the old Mexico, and they are threatening to undermine the makeover.
The Maldonados probably aren’t thinking about the relationship between the United States and Mexico at the moment. They just want a wife and mother to come home to her family.
With luck, Yanira Maldonado will be released on Friday. Her family will pay the fee as ordered, and she will be free to go. And this ugly chapter, in their lives and in the U.S.-Mexico relationship, will be closed.
But if that doesn’t happen, on Saturday, Pena Nieto needs to intervene. And if he concludes that Yanira is innocent, he needs to order her release. And if he doesn’t, Secretary of State John Kerry needs to fly to Nogales and wait there until he does.
Incidentally, Mexico is still waiting on the last few hundred million dollars in drug fighting funds promised under the Merida Initiative.
Congress should send the rest of the money. Minus $5,000. That should go to the Maldonado family, if and when Yanira is found innocent. Think of it as a processing fee.
A few personal thoughts on this out rage:
1.) “Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus — I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris’s protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?” –Pres. Jed Bartlet West Wing, Season One Episode: A Proportional Response
We are THE LAST SUPER POWER LEFT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. October 1962- The Cuban Missile Crisis, we stood toe to toe and nose to nose with the Soviet Union literally minutes from all out Nuclear war and made them blink./ Time and time again though out my life time the ‘steaming of the colors”’ (sending a carrier group into a troubled area), a little well timed saber rattling (unannounced military maneuvers or readiness exercises close to a hot spot) or as a last resort sending in a team of ‘military advisors’ (Green Berets, Rangers SEALS or FORCE RECON Marines) has been all that was needed to quell a situation before it got out of control.
When I was stationed in Northern Ireland briefly I found it interesting that any bus with Americans on it, particularly American Service Personnel and especially American children was always packed to capacity including any and all available standing room. When I inquired about it I was informed that the IRA would never dare knowingly target a bus with Americans aboard for fear of dragging the US into their conflict with the British on the British side. Even the lunatics of the Arab World Kaddafi and Hussein feared pissing us off. Saddam Hussein refrained from using one of his favorite weapons against coalition forces during Desert Storm 1, namely chemical weapons which would have made our just much harder and more costly. Why? simple. He feared our promise of unrestrained retaliation and our refusal to commit to whether or not “tactical use special weapons” (a polite euphemism for battlefield deployable low yield tactical nuclear munitions) were or were not in theater which he wisely chose to interpret and an affirmation.
Yet most foreign people are now more scared of going to their dentist, then of US retaliation for harming any number of its citizens. Somali Pirates? No fear. Islamic Zealots? No fear. Illegal Immigrants, Drug Cartels, Smugglers and other assorted illegal boarder crossers? Oh (giggle) Please!
Why you ask? Simple folks the State Department (ever a haven of liberal dovish weenies in $1000 pin stripe suits and a bastion of nepotism & the ‘old boy’ network) have managed to usurp total control over any such crisis along with the right to determine what IS and IS NOT a crisis and how it should be handled. Their preferred methodology for handling anything? Placation, negation, offers of bribery though the extension of your tax dollars in the form of “Aid Packages” (because we NEVER negotiate with kidnappers and terrorists) and generally keeping everything compartmentalized until the political promises hit the document shredder and things are too late . THEN they scream send in the Marines. By then of course the opposition has generally killed people are ready and wind up wounding & killing a bunch of hastily positioned troops & or American civilians. Consequently we wind up looking like soft bumbling fools, not the last super power whose retaliation for harming her citizen should be the stuff of terrorist’s nightmares.
No place IMHO are we laughed at more and harder then our nearest southern neighbor Mexico.
2.) We should STRONGLY urge that our government, businesses and our industries adopt the following policies.
a.) The State Department should do something useful and issue a Travel Advisory for Mexico plainly and clearly stating Mexico is unsafe for tourists due to the Drug Cartels constantly warring, the kidnapping industry, and the corrupt Police/Judicial/Military. Suspend NAFTA & Mexico’s Most Favored Nation status.
b.) Boycott Mexico as a tourist destination. The damned cruise ships are death traps anyway.
c.) Boycott all Mexican products and produce. Stop all Mexicans from crossing over into the US for jobs daily. Prohibit the sending of US dollars back to Mexico by anyone inside the US. Once US dollars stop flowing into Mexico and farmer cannot sell their crops you’ll hear a cry from the Mexican sheeple and you’ll have Middle east style antigovernment rioting demanding reforms that will be impossible to ignore. The farmers on our side of the border would benefit from the increased crop prices and the chance to grow different crops once the cheaper Mexican produce was off the market. Lord knows the US has enough failing farms and enough unemployed people to man them!
d.) CLOSE THE BORDERS! Most of our boarder towns have high crime rates not because of their indigenous population but because of ‘commuter thieves’ and drug runners. Put a crimp in the Drug cartels and crime rings and you’ll see them want things to change too. How long do you think that kidnapping would go on if the Zeta Drug Cartel said ‘”next Gringo gets kidnapped we’ll kill the families of those responsible”? Inform Mexico that ANYONE spotted attempting to illegally cross the boarder will be deemed to have hostile intent and be treated in an appropriately aggressive fashion in protection of our citizens
e.) With hold all monies & aid. Use it to strengthen borders instead. Let’s face it the stiff necked Mexican government doesn’t want to admit it but their economy and infrastructure would collapse within a year with out all the tax dollar our citizens are bleeding into Mexico and adding to our deficit. They want to continually bite the hand that is feeding them and propping them up? OK fine lets stop feeding them and watch them face plant in a cactus field!
3.) State Department demands to be in control of something and negotiate? Ok fine let them demand that all the shake down soldiers be turned over to US authorities for prosecution, along with Prosecutor and judge– ALL are responsible and accountable. (This however is really a non-negotiable point if the Mexican government wants to see US dollar one returned to them.
4.) Pass a Federal Law making the illegal detention and/or kidnapping/murder of a US Citizen a capitol crime under US law. Require MANDITORY extradition and death penalty. Oh? You don’t want to extradite because we kill scum where as you slap their wrists tisk-tisk at them and let them go to repeat offend? OK fine we’ll just stop all aid to you because you are harboring a wanted criminal guilty of crimes against US citizens.
5.) Treat these Mexican kidnappings no different from any other government sanctioned hostage taking- send in troops and rescue these people. You kill a few people involved in this and it will stop FAST. Tit for tat might be an approach too- you took our Holly Homemaker? Ok we took your rich guy and threw him in our SuperMax’s open population with a complementary bottle of KY hanging from his neck.
6.) $5K withheld from aid isn’t enough, not nearly enough by far. That only repays ransom what about pain & suffering and punitive damages? $500K sounds more reasonable.
NOW if you people will excuse me (and even if you won’t) I’ve done my obligatory duty to you and I have personal family matters to attend to that I had to put aside to finish this issue as well as work to do for those who highly prize, appreciate and PAY ME for my time and efforts on their behalf as well as value my opinion.
And I’m JUST FINE with it too!