Ladies, Gentleman, those of you of the Transgendered ilk, I would ask that you remain standing this morning and join Impish and myself in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Thank You. You may be seated. Slurp it if you’ve got it.

Alright lets get right to it we’ve a lot to cover, lots doing this weekend, probably more than you even realize so we’ve got lots to cover in addition to our regular material.

As you might have noticed from the Issue’s Banner Memorial Day is once again upon us. Rather than putting out a special Holiday Edition as we have in years past Impish and I will be splitting the duty and both covering it as part of our issue along with other events of significance occurring this weekend.

Before we get started I have 2 announcements of a semi personal nature.

1.) Thank you to all how personally e-mailed me concerned for Molly & my safety over the last week with all the serious and violent weather that has been occurring down here. Fortunately none of it has come close enough to be of an serious concern though my phone’s alert messages and the Weather Radio have gotten quite a work out. Rest assured we are used to this sort of thing and actually this particular round got us off our butts and made us get our “Hurricane Evac Bags” set up early as well as one for the cats

2.) A couple of you got some extremely pointed rude and nasty e-mails from me because you ignored my warnings to back off on the political spam you were filling my Inbox with that was essentially hype and Horse post digestive process byproduct.

I regret being forced to that point but when you keep yanking on the pin of a grenade despite warnings not to do so eventually that spoon flies and 3 seconds later there is a devastating explosion. It’s NOT like you didn’t get multiple warnings to cease and desist.

I’m not posting this to embarrass anyone, nor am I bragging about it. I truly regret the necessity of what I did and in retrospect the manner in which some of what I said was said. I AM posting this as a sort of “Heads Up”.

Impish’s and My Inboxes are just that OURS. We enjoy chatting with you people and having discussions about our common values and beliefs. However that does NOT mean we want to see you forwarding ever piece of farcical hype and crap from either side of the political divide that falls in your Inbox onto us! Please remember you are not the ONLY one sending us stuff and most of it we see from our own sources as well. In many cases we never even read the majority of it because we are so overwhelmed with it but we have to sort it from the important stuff and that eats up a significant amount of your time.

So please use a little common sense and discretion when forwarding and if we ask you to lay off please consider the situation from our PoV.

Ok enough chit chat. Lets get down to business shall we?

So THAT’S how the Waitress is spelling it when she asks me down at the Curmudgeon’s Café & Coffee Shoppe!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said:
Two Prostitutes – $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that moment, another car passed with a sign saying: “Jesus Saves.”
One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer said. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter — $50

According to Impish ‘I have my finger in a lot of pies’ which is just plain unsanitary & gross! I prefer saying that I keep my eyes and ears open a lot like many of the great reporters,  power brokers, and heavy duty Movers & Shakers. First it was the Pentagon Papers, then Watergate & the infamous missing 18 minute gap, next Wiki Leaks.

Now we announce the beginning of our new (hopefully semi regular) feature Leprechaun Leaks!

Is it too soon to program the DVR? Your 2013 fall television schedule, now in a convenient grid!

Upfronts Week is finally over, and we now have a more concrete idea of what the fall television schedule for the networks will look like — at least for the first week and a half before the cancelation bloodbath begins (watch your back, Welcome to the Family, Sean Saves the World and Betrayal). Because it is never too soon to start considering your programming conflicts, here is the schedule day-by-day!

For more information on the networks’ new shows:

ABC
CBS
The CW
NBC
Fox

What the Customer Wanted

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No,
ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t
look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to
the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, “That
isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact,
we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never,
never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t
have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what
was it she wanted?”

“Rain.”

Hey I was sort of cheating on you guys last night- I was commenting on someone else’s blog (OK, LOOK NOW! DO NOT go off on me for cheating… YOU GUYS are responsible for forcing me to cheat with your refusal to have cerebral discussions and wanting nothing but head in the sand humor) ANYWAY while doing so I think I hit upon a profoundly wise realization about Islam.

Some Looney Liberal web troll was going off about ‘religious tolerance” with regard to Muslims and how its really a beautiful ‘religion of peace’ and how we need to understand  and accommodate Sharia Law going so far as to evoke Rodney King and his now infamous “Can’t we all get along?” line.

While most of the responses to this idiot were of the understandably profane and flaming variety I tried to rise above that and nail this Looney’s coffin closed so we could bury him…alive (sadly only metaphorically and electronically at that):

Islam claims to be the ‘Religion of Peace’, well all evidence to the contrary aside for a moment because those preaching acceptance and accommodation will just claim religious zealots and/or too tight turbans, I think its still a lie for one very simple but nearly hard to dispute reason (as if Al-Q wasn’t already enough evidence)

PEACE is a two sided coin and comes from both parties possessing the same  3 things-

Tolerance

Understanding

Acceptance  (Of others (peoples, cultures, new social values and other religious ideologies) for what they are and as they are

NONE of these things are part of Mohammad’s teaching and go totally against the Koran, therefore Islam is not and never will b e the religion of peace w/o MAJOR fundamental changes in their interpretation of the Koran and since their rules for resolving apparently conflicting surahs (verses of the Koran) is conveniently last take prescience (when Mohammad realized he was loosing his own tribe and wrote the more blood thirsty parts) this cannot happen ever

Therefore Islam is and will always be the religious equivalent of the KKK in the Middle East and a permanent thorn in the world’s side until we eradicate it or confine it.

As to those who preach tolerance acceptance and accommodation of a religion who’s stated goal is eradication of all other religions, subjugation through violence (conversion by the sword and once you convert you are still a lesser/lower form of life) and oppression (both of free thought & women) well…

I hope you folks found my thoughts as profound and accurate as did the one on the other blog.

TRUE AMERICAN

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor!

Only it isn’t seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE!

If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends.

Y’all know who they are…

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if:
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if:
You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if:
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those described in this email.

God Bless the U S A [and True Americans] ! Amen

[United Corporations of America]

Keep Me Alive

My friend Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. “Doctor,”
she pleaded with her cardiologist, “you must keep me alive for
the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild’s
graduation.”

“We’ll try,” he replied compassionately.

In due course Ida gratefully attended the graduation.

Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. “My granddaughter
is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend
her wedding.”

“We’ll do our best,” he replied.

And my friend happily attended her granddaughter’s wedding.

Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist regularly and followed
his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. “Doctor,”
she began, “I’m feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of
you:

Remember how you saw me through to my grandson’s graduation?”
“Yes.”

“And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter’s wedding?”
“Yes.”

“Well, as you know I’ve just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just
bought myself a new mattress.”
“Yes?”

“It has a 20-year guarantee…”

Watch out for that bus Impish! Oops Sorry Dude! Guess that was a little late!

The Memorial Day Tradition Continues with 49th ‘Indianapolis 500’ Telecast

ABC will televise the Indianapolis 500 for the 49^th consecutive year on Sunday, May 26, continuing a Memorial Day tradition that began in 1965.

A one-hour preview show airs from Indianapolis Motor Speedway at 11 a.m. ET, with the race telecast, presented by Go Daddy, at noon. The green flag for one of the world’s iconic and most historic sporting events is at 12:15 p.m.

Indianapolis native Ed Carpenter, who broke through to win the pole position for an event he grew up wanting to compete in, provided drama as he paced last weekend’s time trials while driving for his own small race team against a field of international drivers and mega racing organizations. Carpenter will lead the field of 33 drivers to the green in the traditional three-abreast starting formation.

ESPN’s production of the Indianapolis 500 on ABC will utilize 84 cameras to televise the premier event of the IZOD IndyCar Series, including three onboard cameras per car in 12 of the 33 cars competing in the race.

Carpenter will be one of the 12 drivers carrying onboard cameras as will defending race winner Dario Franchitti and defending IndyCar Series champion Ryan Hunter-Reay. Others will be Charlie Kimball, JR Hildebrand, James Hinchcliffe, Townsend Bell, Will Power, Helio Castroneves, Marco Andretti, Graham Rahal and Tristan Vautier

Among the cameras will be the newly-enhanced “Batcam,” a camera that provides unique and dramatic views running on a cable over pit road and the frontstretch and has been utilized by ESPN at Indy for several years. But with new technology, “Batcam” can now move faster than ever, reaching speeds of 95 mph.

Viewers of the ABC telecast will have the option of a second screen experience through a choice of live streaming video from the onboard cameras on ESPN3, ESPN’s multi-screen live sports network. ESPN3 will carry the feeds exclusively through WatchESPN and on Indycar.com to fans who receive their Internet or video subscription from an affiliated provider. Viewers will be able to choose which driver’s onboard cameras they want to watch from among the available cars

Boys & Girls if you have the insane wish to mix drinking, automobiles and speed in your life, THIS is the ONLY safe way to do it. Imbibing your favorite adult beverage from the comfort of your home while watching sober highly trained professionals do the high speed driving.

Anything else is just plain stupid and likely to draw the ire of both Impish & myself as well as your public ridicule in this forum should we learn of it.

Memorial Day is about honoring our dead heroes NOT about creating new Senseless Drunk Driving Accident Death Memorials. Enough said?

Memorial Day, the official start of grilling  & picnic season is nigh upon us boys and girls! {Just wanted to state that incase you’ve missed the theme of the issue]

Make Memorial Day unforgettable with some special dishes for an unforgettable backyard BBQ. These are sure to make you the talk of the neighborhood right up to the 4th of July.

And don’t forget to fly Old Glory high to honor the those who fought and died for our freedoms.

Frosted Citrus Green Tea

At a glance

Prep  15 min.

Total 3 hr. 15 min.

Serves 6  Servings: about 1 1/3 cups each

Chill: 1 hr. 30 min.

Freeze: 1 hr. 30 min.

Freshly brewed green tea and chilled Diet V8® Splash Tropical Blend Juice are frozen, then served with mint and lemon.

What You’ll Need

4 cups Diet V8 Splash® Tropical Blend Juice Drink, chilled
4 cups strong brewed green tea
Fresh mint sprigs (optional)
lemon slices

How to Make It

• 1

  Pour 2 cups of the juice drink into 1 ice cube tray. Freeze for 1 hour 30 minutes or until it’s frozen.

• 2

  Stir the remaining juice drink and tea in a pitcher and refrigerate for at least 1 hour 30 minutes.

• 3

  Unmold the cubes and place 3 to 4 cubes in each of 6 glasses. Pour the tea mixture into each glass. Serve with mint and lemon, if desired.

Buffalo Burgers

At a glance

Prep  10 min.

Total  30 min.

Serves 4

Cook: 10 min.

Grill: 10 min.

These juicy burgers get even better when they’re topped with our delicious hot and spicy sauce and crumbled blue cheese.

What You’ll Need

1 pound ground beef
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Condensed Tomato Soup
1/2 teaspoon Louisiana-style hot sauce (I recommend Frank’s Brand)
1/2 cup crumbled blue cheese or 4 slices blue cheese
4  Hamburger Buns, split (grill toasted optional)
Lettuce leaves, red onion slices, tomato slices (optional)

How to Make It

• 1

  Shape the beef into 4 (1/2-inch-thick) burgers.

• 2

  Lightly oil the grill rack and heat the grill to medium. Grill the burgers for 10 minutes for medium or until desired doneness, turning the burgers over once halfway through the grilling time.

• 3

  Heat the soup and hot sauce in a 1-quart saucepan over medium heat to a boil. Reduce the heat to low. Cover and cook for 5 minutes. Top the burgers with the soup mixture. Sprinkle with the cheese. Serve the burgers on the buns with the lettuce, onion and tomato, if desired.

Recipe Tips

• Recipe Note: Any leftover soup mixture can also be a great dipping sauce for French fries.
• Serving Suggestion: Serve with carrot and celery sticks with ranch dressing for dipping. [Personally I think a little Coles slaw on them goes great hand helps tame them if they are too hot!]

Bacon Ranch Potato Salad

Yield: 6-8

Ingredients:

11 Red Skinned Potatoes, scrubbed

1/2 pound Bacon, cooked and crumbled

3 green onions, trimmed and sliced {white and dark green parts}

1 to 1-1/2 cups  Buttermilk Ranch Dressing (I prefer Marie’s or Hidden Ranch)

3/4 cup Cheddar Cheese, freshly grated

Directions:

Place potatoes in a large pot of salted water and bring to a boil.

Once cooked; drain and cut into bite size chunks.

Let cool slightly before adding the bacon, green onions and the buttermilk ranch.

Toss; then add in the cheddar cheese.

Toss again and serve warm or chilled.

If I have them I’ll toss in some diced celery & radishes

Raspberry Tiramisu Trifle

At a glance

Prep  20 min.

Total  1 hr. 20 min.

Serves  6  Servings: about 1 cup each

Chill: 1 hr.

This layered dessert looks like it took all day to make…but it takes just 20 minutes.  What makes it taste as good as it looks is coffee-dipped cookies layered with sweetened cream cheese and raspberries.

What You’ll Need

1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1 cup confectioners’ sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup heavy cream, whipped
1 package (6 ounces) Pepperidge Farm® Milano® Cookies
1/3 cup brewed black coffee
1 cup sweetened frozen raspberries, thawed and drained
1/4 cup grated semi-sweet chocolate

How to Make It

• 1

  Beat the cream cheese in a medium bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Beat in the sugar and cinnamon. Fold in the whipped cream.

• 2

  Spoon 1 cup cheese mixture into a 4-cup trifle bowl. Dip 6 of the cookies, one at a time, into the coffee and place over the cheese layer, overlapping slightly. Spoon 2 tablespoons raspberries over the cookies. Repeat the layers. Spread the remaining cheese mixture over the top. Garnish with the remaining cookies and raspberries. Refrigerate for 1 hour.

• 3

  Garnish with the chocolate before serving.

Recipe Tips

• Tip: Heavy cream will whip faster when the bowl and beaters are cold. Place the bowl and beaters in the freezer for about 15 minutes before using, then use the cream right from the refrigerator.

Off means what it says. OFF !!!!!!!!!!!

When will people finally get the message – not only in church but other places as well. No matter where you go, someone has a cell phone glued to their ear!
This is from a fellow who visited this church in Burbank, CA , where they actually showed this video of how they handle cell phones in church.
It’s only 1. 5 minutes long and a hoot!!

Where Are You From?

Suzi, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at
the church we’ve both attended for years. She and her husband
usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to
be sure to hear the Scripture reading.

They sat beside a long-time church member who cheerfully said,
“Good to have ya with us! Where y’all from?”

Taken by surprise, Suzi mumbled, “The back.”

Memorial Day History

Three years after the Civil War ended, on May 5, 1868, the head of an organization of Union veterans — the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR) — established Decoration Day as a time for the nation to decorate the graves of the war dead with flowers. Maj. Gen. John A. Logan declared that Decoration Day should be observed on May 30. It is believed that date was chosen because flowers would be in bloom all over the country.

The first large observance was held that year at Arlington National Cemetery, across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C.

The ceremonies centered around the mourning-draped veranda of the Arlington mansion, once the home of Gen. Robert E. Lee. Various Washington officials, including Gen. and Mrs. Ulysses S. Grant, presided over the ceremonies. After speeches, children from the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Orphan Home and members of the GAR made their way through the cemetery, strewing flowers on both Union and Confederate graves, reciting prayers and singing hymns.

Local Observances Claim To Be First Local springtime tributes to the Civil War dead already had been held in various places. One of the first occurred in Columbus, Miss., April 25, 1866, when a group of women visited a cemetery to decorate the graves of Confederate soldiers who had fallen in battle at Shiloh. Nearby were the graves of Union soldiers, neglected because they were the enemy. Disturbed at the sight of the bare graves, the women placed some of their flowers on those graves, as well.

Today, cities in the North and the South claim to be the birthplace of Memorial Day in 1866. Both Macon and Columbus, Ga., claim the title, as well as Richmond, Va. The village of Boalsburg, Pa., claims it began there two years earlier. A stone in a Carbondale, Ill., cemetery carries the statement that the first Decoration Day ceremony took place there on April 29, 1866. Carbondale was the wartime home of Gen. Logan. Approximately 25 places have been named in connection with the origin of Memorial Day, many of them in the South where most of the war dead were buried.

Official Birthplace Declared In 1966, Congress and President Lyndon Johnson declared Waterloo, N.Y., the “birthplace” of Memorial Day. There, a ceremony on May 5, 1866, honored local veterans who had fought in the Civil War. Businesses closed and residents flew flags at half-staff. Supporters of Waterloo’s claim say earlier observances in other places were either informal, not community-wide or one-time events.

By the end of the 19th century, Memorial Day ceremonies were being held on May 30 throughout the nation. State legislatures passed proclamations designating the day, and the Army and Navy adopted regulations for proper observance at their facilities.

It was not until after World War I, however, that the day was expanded to honor those who have died in all American wars. In 1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday by an act of Congress, though it is still often called Decoration Day. It was then also placed on the last Monday in May, as were some other federal holidays.

Some States Have Confederate Observances Many Southern states also have their own days for honoring the Confederate dead. Mississippi celebrates Confederate Memorial Day on the last Monday of April, Alabama on the fourth Monday of April, and Georgia on April 26. North and South Carolina observe it on May 10, Louisiana on June 3 and Tennessee calls that date Confederate Decoration Day. Texas celebrates Confederate Heroes Day January 19 and Virginia calls the last Monday in May Confederate Memorial Day.

Gen. Logan’s order for his posts to decorate graves in 1868 “with the choicest flowers of springtime” urged: “We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance. … Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic.”

The crowd attending the first Memorial Day ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery was approximately the same size as those that attend today’s observance, about 5,000 people. Then, as now, small American flags were placed on each grave — a tradition followed at many national cemeteries today. In recent years, the custom has grown in many families to decorate the graves of all departed loved ones.

The origins of special services to honor those who die in war can be found in antiquity. The Athenian leader Pericles offered a tribute to the fallen heroes of the Peloponnesian War over 24 centuries ago that could be applied today to the 1.1 million Americans who have died in the nation’s wars: “Not only are they commemorated by columns and inscriptions, but there dwells also an unwritten memorial of them, graven not on stone but in the hearts of men.”

To ensure the sacrifices of America ’s fallen heroes are never forgotten, in December 2000, the U.S. Congress passed and the president signed into law “The National Moment of Remembrance Act,” P.L. 106-579, creating the White House Commission on the National Moment of Remembrance. The commission’s charter is to “encourage the people of the United States to give something back to their country, which provides them so much freedom and opportunity” by encouraging and coordinating commemorations in the United States of Memorial Day and the National Moment of Remembrance.

The National Moment of Remembrance encourages all Americans to pause wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time on Memorial Day for a minute of silence to remember and honor those who have died in service to the nation. As Moment of Remembrance founder Carmella LaSpada states: “It’s a way we can all help put the memorial back in Memorial Day.”

Regardless of what event you chose to participate in this weekend or how you chose to participate, all the ongoing festivities that seem to be crowded into this weekend have one thing in common. Our fallen heroes earned you the freedom to do so and continue to pay for that freedom each and everyday with their lives.

Some return home such that they might well have preferred to die than to be a burden to others, these too we must especially never forget. While its true Veterans DO have a day of their own, it seems more appropriate to honor the disabled ones on this day as a part of them DID die for our freedoms and liberties.

So, if you come across a disable Vet this weekend, do not avert your eyes and make him feel ashamed that he didn’t die. Look him square in the eyes, thank him for his courage and sacrifice and honor him because his fight didn’t stop when he was taken from the battle field, rather it had only just begun!

I would ask that you rise and bow your heads as we honor our brave fallen heroes.

BUGLER! SOUND TAPS!