Good Morning Campers! Welcome to another episode of fun, excitement, and battling B.S. around the world!
Today’s issue is jam-packed full of stuff. I mean really full.
There is so much stuff in this issue that….well….you will be astounded, amazed, excited and full of laffter.
Well, instead of me sitting here prattling on about how great this e-zine is, why don’t you just found out for yourself!
What a fantastic balancing act. This is art!
The little Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises, and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh… well… ah…. well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
And the boy thought for a moment and said, “Nahhh, that won’t work!”
His mom says, “Why?!?”
And the boy replied, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day, and blows him back up!”
This is great! I know it’s probably not real, but it’s great non-the-less:
Top Secret Drum Corps is a precision drum corps based in Basel, Switzerland. With 25 drummers and colorguard members, the corps became famous for its demanding six-minute routine performed at the Edinburgh Tattoo in 2003. With its invitation to Edinburgh, Top Secret became one of the first non-military, non-British Commonwealth acts to perform on the Esplanade at Edinburgh Castle.
Since its success in 2003, Top Secret was invited to return to Edinburgh in 2006 with a new and improved routine. They were invited a third time in 2009 and again in 2012. Under the leadership of Erik Julliard, the band is also responsible for the founding of the Basel Tattoo, a military tattoo show similar to the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, now held annually in Basel.
Now, let’s watch this great out fit at work…
The doctor entered the waiting room. “I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas.”
“Pardon me,” she interrupted, “but it’s Miss.”
“The doctor said, “I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas.
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated
on my driver’s license.
“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.
“No,” I replied.
“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”
An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked : “What would you be if you were not Scot?”
The Scotchman said: “Why, an Englishman, of course!”
Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: “And what would you be were you not an Irishman?”
The man thought a moment and said: “I’d be ashamed of meself!”
“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
— Alex Levine
It all happened in a pub. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,”comes the reply.
The first man then asks : “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, ” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too!” “Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “what school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62”.
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, “Quick it’s my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.
“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.
“Great,” he said “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes.”
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hand in mid-air.
“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.
“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths.” the lover replied.
“But.. but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.
The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise and said, “Oh! The little bastards!”
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
One has a Cross in front of him; the other is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar with the Cross while none give to the beggar with the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said,
“Moshe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”
President Obama made his pick of the Final Four. That is, the four countries that are still friendly to the U.S.
President Obama met with Ireland’s prime minister and attended a St. Patrick’s Day lunch with U.S. lawmakers Tuesday. Ireland allow actors, comedians, writers of fiction and singers of songs to live there tax-free. So for everybody in Washington, Ireland is Plan B.
President Obama met leaders in Israel and West Bank and Jordan this week. Neither side is thrilled to see him. Due to President Obama’s tepid support, Israelis now have their own foreign policy and due to Obama’s drone program, the Arabs now celebrate Passover.
The Bible mini-series Sunday introduced the character of Satan who tempts Jesus in the wilderness. The devil is a dead ringer for Barack Obama. He tempted Jesus with an IRS audit if he didn’t stop infringing on the government’s exclusive right to heal people.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg appealed a judge’s ruling against his ban on large sugary drinks in Manhattan. He’s restricted alcohol, cigarettes and even baby formula. Mayor Mike Bloomberg believes that life is like a box of chocolates, and you can’t have any.
The U.S. is still paying survivor benefits to the families of Civil War veterans. Some people think that is wrong. John McCain makes enough already from his Senate salary.
At Knoxville airport, Delta workers ordered pizza to be delivered to passengers stuck on the tarmac for a flight diverted due to bad weather. The really shocking thing… the airline didn’t charge them by the slice.
The Octomom is being investigated for possible welfare fraud after taking state aid while making $200,000 last year. If nothing else, the state should be happy to be supplying her with free birth control.
A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.
California and Rhode Island are tied for the nation’s highest unemployment rate at 9.8%. The difference is that Rhode Island’s rate will drop to 7.5% when they just come up with another three jobs.
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license but not for being in the country illegally, you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.
President Obama is in Jerusalem. The president didn’t expect a lot of warmth from Prime Minister Netanyahu, but he’s a little disappointed that the citizens didn’t provide him with a donkey and lay palms at his feet.
Cyprus agreed to seize ten percent of the money in all Cyprus bank accounts to avoid bankruptcy. It’s an outrageous seizure of private property. The White House issued a statement immediately saying that President Obama is always looking for fresh new ideas.
The U.S. Senate tried to save the Senate barber shop from being eliminated in the new budget bill. Critics note the Senate barber shop lost three hundred and fifty thousand dollars last year. That makes it the most profitable agency in the U.S. government.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much…it’s all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, ‘Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’
Startled, Sophia replies, ‘Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?’
Luigi answers, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?’
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ‘Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?’
Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?’ He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes… how do you like them?’
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red…He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!’
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight…’
Luigi gasps, ‘Thanka God ….I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes………………….!’.
How about another edition of pictures that ought to scare the hell out of you…
Yeah, makes good sense to me.
Tomorrow, dear campers, is Easter Morning. The day that we celebrate … the day we celebrate what, exactly?
Is it the Christian Religious holiday that celebrates the sacrifice of God’s Son for the balance of the sins of humankind?
Is it a Spring festival?
Does the rabbit and the eggs celebrate the fertility rite that this time of year brings on?
There are historic facts to support all of these.
So, what then does Easter celebrate?
I suppose I could say that it is up to the individual how they celebrate Easter and why, but somehow…that just doesn’t seem right.
Personally, my beliefs…my faith … tells me that Easter celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ on Sunday, after dying on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins…and yours, too, which occurred on Good Friday. Six hours he hung there, in excruciating pain. Enough pain to balance the scales for all the sins of the world.
So then, where does the Easter Bunny, Easter Eggs and Easter Candy come into the whole holiday celebration?
Well, I’ll let the history channel answer that much better than I can…
The Bible makes no mention of a long-eared, short-tailed creature who delivers decorated eggs to well-behaved children on Easter Sunday; nevertheless, the Easter bunny has become a prominent symbol of Christianity’s most important holiday. The exact origins of this mythical mammal are unclear, but rabbits, known to be prolific procreators, are an ancient symbol of fertility and new life. According to some sources, the Easter bunny first arrived in America in the 1700s with German immigrants who settled in Pennsylvania and transported their tradition of an egg-laying hare called “Osterhase” or “Oschter Haws.” Their children made nests in which this creature could lay its colored eggs. Eventually, the custom spread across the U.S. and the fabled rabbit’s Easter morning deliveries expanded to include chocolate and other types of candy and gifts, while decorated baskets replaced nests. Additionally, children often left out carrots for the bunny in case he got hungry from all his hopping.
Easter is a religious holiday, but some of its customs, such as Easter eggs, are likely linked to pagan traditions. The egg, an ancient symbol of new life, has been associated with pagan festivals celebrating spring. From a Christian perspective, Easter eggs are said to represent Jesus’ emergence from the tomb and resurrection. Decorating eggs for Easter is a tradition that dates back to at least the 13th century, according to some sources. One explanation for this custom is that eggs were formerly a forbidden food during the Lenten season, so people would paint and decorate them to mark the end of the period of penance and fasting, then eat them on Easter as a celebration.
Easter egg hunts and egg rolling are two popular egg-related traditions. In the U.S., the White House Easter Egg Roll, a race in which children push decorated, hard-boiled eggs across the White House lawn, is an annual event held the Monday after Easter. The first official White House egg roll occurred in 1878, when Rutherford B. Hayes was president. The event has no religious significance, although some people have considered egg rolling symbolic of the stone blocking Jesus’ tomb being rolled away, leading to his resurrection.
Easter is the second best-selling candy holiday in America, after Halloween. Among the most popular sweet treats associated with this day are chocolate eggs, which date back to early 19th century Europe. Eggs have long been associated with Easter as a symbol of new life and Jesus’ resurrection. Another egg-shaped candy, the jelly bean, became associated with Easter in the 1930s (although the jelly bean’s origins reportedly date all the way back to a Biblical-era concoction called a Turkish Delight). According to the National Confectioners Association, over 16 billion jelly beans are made in the U.S. each year for Easter, enough to fill a giant egg measuring 89 feet high and 60 feet wide. For the past decade, the top-selling non-chocolate Easter candy has been the marshmallow Peep, a sugary, pastel-colored confection. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania-based candy manufacturer Just Born (founded by Russian immigrant Sam Born in 1923) began selling Peeps in the 1950s. The original Peeps were handmade, marshmallow-flavored yellow chicks, but other shapes and flavors were later introduced, including chocolate mousse bunnies.
In conclusion, and in speaking of furry four-legged creatures here is the Jewish side of the season as we present, Passover…brought to you by the cats:
So, are you all suitably filled with Easter Information?
Then I suggest you all get busy filling those plastic eggs for the Easter Egg hunt tomorrow…at least, that’s what I’m going to be doing in just a little while. And because it’s going to be wet and possibly raining here tomorrow, I’ll probably hide the eggs in the house…which also means that sometime in July or August we’ll find the last egg with really old jellybeans or little chocolate eggs in them.
Oh, the joys of having a child at Easter. Man, I have a wonderful life!