Dragon Laffs #1316


Header64Lethal?  Hey, Lethal?  You there?

Yeah, I’m here.  What do you want at this ungodly hour of a Saturday Morning?  I need my rest!  This is St. Patrick’s Day weekend and I’ve been fielding requests for my appearance since Wednesday!  What in the blazes do  you want at….oh bloody hell!  Do you know WHAT TIME it is?

It’s not THAT early!  Okay, so maybe it is a bit early, but I’ve been up all night finishing up my issue for today, do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with an issue, the day before St. Patrick’s Day, when you’ve already put together the ultimate St. Patrick’s Day issue?

Did you wake me at this ungodly hour to tell me how good my issue was?  If that’s the case, the last flu shot you got by my rail gun is going to seem like a pin prick compared to what I’m going to do you this time!

No, dude…um…I’m ah…lost.  All this greenery you’ve put up everywhere, I…ah…can’t find…um… my office.  I have to send my issue out and…um…too much…um..you know…GREEN!

By all the Gods, why have I been saddled with this one?  You are very lucky I’m in such a GOOD mood after all the celebrating I’ve been doing.  And you’re even more lucky that I’m still a bit tiddly from the fine Irish Whiskey that me loving fans have been…

Yeah, Yeah, can you point me towards my office, please?

It’s right behind you, dufuss the dragon!

Thanks, go back to bed, I’ve got to get this posted!

Good Morning Campers!  You all know that St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow, but since my good friend and fellow mythical creature, Lethal Leprechaun has done such a fantastic job on this topic, let’s talk a little bit about the next holiday…Easter!  And do you know what the greatest part about Easter is?

Um…yeah, Jesus dying for our sins was really good…
and Easter baskets full of candy is good, too…
Yes, yes, the Easter bunny is
No, I’m not ..
Yes, egg dying is good but…

Okay STOP!!!
Sigh.
I’m talking about the end of Lent.
As everyone knows, all good dragons promise to give something up for Lent.  If you check out today’s header… or if you remember Lethal and I talking about it, Lethal suggested….rather forcefully…that I give up virgins for Lent.  And when I say he forcibly suggested it, he took all my virgins to some south sea resort to keep me from falling off the wagon.
(Personally, between you and me, I’m not sure all of them came back as virgins…if you know what I mean.)
Anyway, shortly I will be back to being adored by my harem and I won’t have to go through all that trouble of razing villages and yuck!, eating people in order for the village elders to give me more virgin sacrifices.
Besides, breathing that much fire gives me heart burn.
And if the authorities still have my computer tapped, as well as my phone and my office, I swear, that’s all I EVER do with virgins is allow them to adore me….
and back rubs, I love back rubs.
And if the IRS is still listening in, I’ve paid ALL my import and employee taxes on all my virgins.  I swear.
and if PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Virgins) is around, no virgins were hurt or deflowered in the making of this e-zine.

Now, let’s get on with it…

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8(Insert Lethal Leprechaun’s Cat Joke Here)

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, “Is that Corona or Bud?”

I said, “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

“Come on, what day was I born”?

I said, “Yesterday.”

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********
 

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, “Nice legs.”

The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”

I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. ”

 

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Okay, so this is probably going to annoy some of you, but hopefully even you can laugh at this:

02What a great first that would be!!!!  Well, okay, so technically second, since Nixon resigned the presidency first, but for a nice list of firsts from Mr. Obama…
3How in the world did he get elected a second time… oh yeah… because almost half of the country is indebted to him by nature of their free government cheese and all it takes is a couple more brain dead people, of which we have more than our fair share, and there you go.

Wheats

Okay, so they aren’t really Wheat’s Words, but he is the one who sent this to me and I think this could really catch on. If you can’t watch Fox for the more evenly slanted news, then…..watch it for the girls!!!

 

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I’m telling you, we’re EVERYWHERE!!!!

 

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of
prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, “No
way in hell could I do that!!”
The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his answer. He replied that
he once had a very bad experience with circumstantial evidence. The
attorney asked him to explain.
“Well sir,” the farmer began, “I was out in the barn milking ole’
Bessie one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk
pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and
underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and
hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right
foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking again and the
silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that
one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail
with her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor. Well, I thought
I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped
me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool
behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of tying her
tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-shirt and boots my
wife walked into the barn!!”
“No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence!”

9

Lethal Leprechaun staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
pal, Impish Dragon. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Molly.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Lethal sprang up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He
then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way to bed.

In the morning, our intrepid Leprechaun hero woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Molly staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Lethal said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Molly said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly ….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

10

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.
Dave says, “Well, bud, I guess I better be going home.”
“Yo man,” Bill said, “what’s your rush? Little woman got you by the
short hairs on a short leash?”
“Hell no,” Dave retorted, “I’m the boss in my house.”
Then he said softly, “But she’s  the Director of Pussy…”

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Nancy Pelosi was being driven home by her chauffeur when
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it  full on, and the
car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming  manner, says to the chauffeur, “You get out
and check–you were  driving.”
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the  animal is dead but
it was old. “You were driving,
so you go and tell  the farmer,” says Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur
returns totally  plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face. “My God, what  happened to you?” asks
Nancy. The chauffeur replies,
“When I got  there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the
wife gave  me a wonderful meal and
the daughter made love to me.”  “What on earth did you say?” asks Nancy. “I
just knocked on the door
and when it opened I said to them, “I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur,  and I’ve
just killed the old cow.”

11

With the world the way it is today, everyone is seeing images in their food, from Jesus on a piece of toast to George Washington on a chicken nugget. Now finally someone has found the image of Obama on a potato3c

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LSD

Since so many of my dear friends are blonde, I just have to share this next one.
For the same reason that so many of my dear friends love cats, and my dad golfs, etc.
You always pick on the ones you love!

————————-
A Blonde’s Year in Review
————————-

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer!

March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft-top was open.

September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it?

October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!!

December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

424So many 702s (Long ago term for Air Force Administrative types because their AFSC (Air Force Specialty Code) started with 702.  Just like I was known as a 462, because my AFSC was 462X0 Aircraft Armament Systems Specialist [the X was a space saver for your skill level: 1, 3, 5, 7 or 9].  Anyway, like I was saying, so many 702s would act as Gatekeeper for their bosses.  It gave them a huge feeling of power, but it was usually their stuck up bosses who didn’t want to be disturbed because they were doing something IMPORTANT.
Yeah, right.
But that leads very nicely into…
coollogo_com-202331125The AGM-65 Maverick Missile
I used to load these bad boys on the A10 Warthog.
14a

The AGM-65 Maverick is an air-to-ground tactical missile (AGM) designed for close air support. The most widely-produced precision-guided missile in the Western world,[4] it is effective against a wide range of tactical targets, including armor, air defenses, ships, ground transportation and fuel storage facilities. Originally designed and built by Hughes Missile Systems, development of the AGM-65 spanned from 1966 to 1972, after which it entered service with the United States Air Force in August 1972. Since then, it has been exported to more than 30 countries and is certified on 25 aircraft.[5] The Maverick served during the Vietnam, Yom Kippur, Iran–Iraq and Gulf Wars, along with other smaller conflicts, destroying enemy forces and installations with varying degrees of success.

Since its introduction into service, numerous Maverick versions had been designed and produced, using electro-optical, laser, charge-coupled device and infra-red guidance systems. The AGM-65 has two types of warhead: one has a contact fuze in the nose, the other has a heavyweight warhead fitted with a delayed-action fuze, which penetrates the target with its kinetic energy before detonating. The Maverick shares the same configuration as Hughes’s AIM-4 Falcon and AIM-54 Phoenix, and measures more than 8 ft (2.4 m) in length and 12 in (30 cm) in diameter.

Yeah, it’s a really nasty S.O.B.  That, honestly, was one of the greatest part of my job…playing with things that went boom!
041301-F-7709A-008How about a really cool breakdown of what this thing looks like inside:
14b
And this is the part that I actually did:
14cAnd lastly, but certainly not least…
There is a REALLY outstanding video of the A10 in action with a good cut of the AGM 65 Maverick Missile in action.  Kinda loops off of last weeks GAU 8/A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OXg6J9upaCg

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It could only happen in India
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It could only happen in Pakistan
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Only in Bangladesh
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Only in Japan
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In Indonesia
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Thailand
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Australia
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Texas
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Hawaii
12p
China
12q

425
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How the game Tetris REALLY works:
426

What My Parents Taught me

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE_*.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION_*.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL_*.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC_*.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC_*.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT_*.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My Parents taught me IRONY_*.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS_*.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTION-ISM_*.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10.My Parents taught me about STAMINA_* ..
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11.My Parents taught me about WEATHER_*.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12.My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY_*.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13.My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE_*.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”

14.My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION_*.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15.My Parents taught me about ENVY_*.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16.My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION_*.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17.My Parents taught me about RECEIVING_*..
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18.My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE_*.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19.My Parents taught me _**_ESP_*.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR_.*
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21.My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT_*.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.My Parents taught me GENETICS_*.
“You’re just like your father.”

23.*_My Parents taught me about my ROOTS_*.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24.My Parents taught me WISDOM_*.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE_*.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”*

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~a personal all time favorite!!

*_My Parents taught me about CHOICE_*.
“Do you want me to stop this car?”

16a16

Observations

Is there any less useful statement in sports than fans
yelling to a golf ball “Get in the hole?”

 

Daylight Saving Time started over the weekend, which
means we lost an hour of time. The good news is that
losing one hour means we kept the federal government
going about another trillion dollars in debt.


Bob Hope’s longtime home in Palm Springs was put on sale
last week for fifty million dollars. The great comedian passed
away nine years ago at the age of one hundred and one. He
moved to America when he was four years old
because England already had a king.


Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital
being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection.
Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for,
sitting on the throne.


It was a little awkward when former President George
W. Bush was informed the Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez,
died, he extended his condolences to the people of Venice.


Israeli TV claims that President Obama will present a
“general framework” for peace in the Middle East. Apparently
the President figures if he can solve that problem, then he
could tackle something really hard like achieving
peace in Congress


After 233 years, New Hampshire is proposing freeing 14 slaves
who were never granted their freedom. Historians are
amazed. There were 14 black people who
lived in New Hampshire?


President Obama’s half-brother Obong’o Obama was
crushed in his bid to be elected governor of his province
in Kenya Wednesday. The Associated Press reported that
exit polls gave him one percent of the vote. It’s always
tough to be the white sheep of the family.


A church in Phoenix is offering drive-thru prayers. Typical!
Things were going great until some pervert drove up
and asked, “Can I have friars with that?”

15

Paper is not dead…

427

Last-Word4_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thumbWell, there were lots of topics for today’s Last Word that I decided to run with three of them that tend to run together…the first story

VA: Vets’ wait time for benefits ‘too long’

Questioned about a growing backlog of veterans’ claims, a top Veteran Affairs official conceded Wednesday that veterans wait “too long” to receive benefits.

“Too many veterans still have to wait too long to get the compensation benefits they earn, and that is unacceptable to us,” said Allison Hickey, Undersecretary for Benefits, during a hearing on Capitol Hill.

Senators pressed officials from the VA on the increase in the number of veterans waiting more than 125 days for their benefits claims to go through.

A recent report from the Center for Investigative Reporting found that since President Obama took office in 2009, the number of veterans waiting more than a year for their benefits has skyrocketed, from 11,000 in 2009 to 245,000 in December 2012, a jump of more than 2,000%.

The VA states the average wait time after a veteran files a claim is 273 days. But for veterans filing their first claim, including Iraq and Afghanistan vets, the wait is up to 327 days, nearly two months longer. In big cities such as New York, veterans could wait for almost two years. CIR analyzed the data obtained from a Freedom of Information Act request.

“When I look at the numbers four years later … it’s not getting better,” Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) stated during the hearing. “I can tell you that the increase in calls in my office are not going down.”

Hickey cited an increase in demand because of the length of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and a decision to expand benefits to those suffering from illnesses associated with Agent Orange exposure during the Vietnam War.

“What I will say is the demand has risen, and I will go back to saying we have done a million claims a year,” Hickey said. “These hardworking folks want to do what’s right for their family members.”

The number of claims has increased. In 2001, the VA completed approximately 480,000 claims, in 2002 approximately 796,000 claims and in 2003 around 827,000 claims, according to Vermont Sen. Bernard Sanders, chairman of the Senate Veterans’ Affairs Committee. In 2010, 2011 and 2012, the VA completed more than 1 million claims each year, he said.

Veterans service organizations say filing a claim can be as challenging as filing a complex tax return or defending yourself in a lawsuit. In the meantime, veterans experience hardships.

“Our veterans go through a lot of the same everyday trials and challenges that everyone else does. They have bills to pay. They have mortgages. They have car loans. Many of them are going back to school, and on top of that they have their service-connected disabilities,” said Jay Agg, spokesman for the veterans service group AMVETS. “So having to wait months, years for their benefits to which they’re entitled is very frustrating, and it’s just compounded when they have to deal with all these other challenges.”

I’ve added the highlighted area.  Even though I agree that this has happened since Mr. Obama stole the presidency, I believe the main problem is that we are involved in more wars, more men and women are being wounded, and the staffing of the VA has not been increased to respond.  As it stands now, the VA is exempt from the ravages of furloughs, but it could only be a matter of time.  Then what’s to be come of our heroes and their wounds and disabilities?

Next, is part of an article that is titled:

Email tells feds to make sequester as painful as promised

See the entire article: click HERE

Announcement of the decision — made in an email from the White House Visitors Office — came hours after The Washington Times reported on another administration email that seemed to show at least one agency has been instructed to make sure the cuts are as painful as President Obama promised they would be.

In the internal email, Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service officialCharles Brown said he asked if he could try to spread out the sequester cuts in his region to minimize the impact, and he said he was told not to do anything that would lessen the dire impacts Congress had been warned of.

“We have gone on record with a notification to Congress and whoever else that ‘APHIS would eliminate assistance to producers in 24 states in managing wildlife damage to the aquaculture industry, unless they provide funding to cover the costs.’ So it is our opinion that however you manage that reduction, you need to make sure you are not contradicting what we said the impact would be,” Mr. Brown, in the internal email, said his superiors told him.

Okay, now that’s just wrong.  Being told NOT to make it as easy as possible, but instead to make it as dire as we’ve been told it would be.  At the VERY LEAST that is manipulation and borders on Treason.  And smacks of big brother knowing what’s better for us than we do and that if we’re going to be punished, we’re going to go through ALL the punishment so that we will learn our lessons.
I’m really really tired of someone else telling me what’s right for me.
Which leads me right into someone finally slapping one of the big brothers right in the puss.  That it happens to be the Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg only makes it that much sweeter!
And again, you can read the entire article: click HERE

Judge blocks New York City large-soda ban, Mayor Bloomberg vows fight

(Reuters) – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg vowed on Monday to appeal a judge’s ruling that struck down his pioneering ban on large sugary drinks sold by the city’s restaurants, movie theaters and other food service businesses just a day before it was to take effect.

The judge called the ban “arbitrary and capricious” in an 11th-hour decision that dealt a serious blow to Bloomberg, who has made public health a cornerstone of his administration, with laws prohibiting smoking in restaurants, bars and parks; banning trans fats; and requiring chain restaurants to post calorie counts.

At a press conference, Bloomberg said the judge’s ruling was “totally in error” and promised to keep pressing his effort to combat a growing obesity epidemic linked to heart disease and diabetes. He has successfully fought off past court challenges to the smoking ban and the calorie count rule.

This one has always irked me.  How dare ANYONE tell me what size drinks I can purchase.  To have a judge call it “arbitrary and capricious” would be the same as Dragon Laffs calling it a pretty dumb-ass idea.
Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve been served!

Campers, I can’t emphasize enough, that these articles we show you week after week can’t be ignored or listed as isolated incidents.  If that were the case, we wouldn’t have to pick and choose each week as to which ones we have to choose from.  This is going to end badly.  And it’s going to be up to us, those of us who are left, to put it all back together again.
Our first chance is going to be the 2014 mid-term elections, if we can take control of the house and the senate, then we might be able to castrate this administration…I hesitate to say before it is too late, because it might already be.

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1316

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    Oh WHERE to start!
    First of all the only green vegetation my cats have any interest in is Cat Grass & Catnip. When it comes to recreation I’ve already shown one of them sporting a beer bottle post imbibing.

    Secondly, regarding Maxine and her assertion St Patrick is responsible for our current snake infestation in Washington DC, as I said to the person that sent that to us:
    “Hey! Wait just a bloody minute now! St Patrick did that some time before his death IN 460 AD.
    HOW EXACTLY is he responsible for where the snakes congregated 1300+ years later?”

    You want to blame THAT on someone blame it on the unwashed masses that elected them and keep voting for them!

    I am however in FULL agreement with her regarding the subject of green beer! BLEECH!

    Thirdly, as for the possible future manner in which we procreate- That’s a bloody good enough reason right there to outlaw 3D printers IMHO. We’ve got too many damned Welfare and Anchor babies popping out now as it is w/o making it any easier for them!

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