Good Morning Campers. Due to an unexpected computer outage for me this week, my opening statements will be given over to dropping you right into the firefight. Please join the me in the battle against the world’s bull shit with laughter!!!
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money …. he calls home.
“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue
in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says
“and I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy ca lls home.
“So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you
just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.
“Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read
something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”.
“Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?”
The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot
that s.o.b before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
I have finally found the purely logical, scientific explanation for my condition that our
dear Leprechaun seems to like to comment on so often:
And there ain’t nobody hotter than a dragon! I’m sure many
of you wonderful female campers could attest to that!
Scientific proof that dragons are products of reverse evolution.
Allow me to explain; if you believe in the theory of evolution, which we will NOT
get into here, then you know that fish →reptile→mammal/higher animal.
Where the picture above shows higher animal (bird)→reptile→dragon. And here’s
the “cro-magnon” picture of the proof.
You believe that, right?
I just remembered that we did the same thing.
We took an arrogant bastard community organizer, who had never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief. A guy who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him “Beloved Leader” of the United States
I’m sorry I brought this up.
12) Only in America is it required for a wage-earner to take a drug test in order to make and keep the job that is used to pay the money into the welfare system where the partakers of said welfare are NOT required the same drug test in order to receive the money!
tee on every hole.He asked his Scottish caddy if he has noticed
any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replied:
“Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. “
Obama picked up his driver and cleaned the club face, at which point the caddy said:
“Nae, the other end.”
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, “Are you nuts? You’re almost
85 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” I told her.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
When Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve, the female reindeer go into town and blow a few bucks.
Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other, “Did you come on the bus?” “Yes,” she replies, “but I made it look like an asthma attack.”
Frosty the Snowman pulled down his pants when he heard the snow blower coming.
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. “Reach up there and find out.” She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, “Oh, it’s gruesome!” “Aye, it has,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put your hand back up there, it’ll grow some more!”
MASTURBATION – A solo played on a private organ.
How do Greeks separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
Did you hear about the new douche they’ve made for women? It’s made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
You don’t want Monica Lewinsky and Tonto in your car at the same time. You might wind up with a blown Injun.
VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
The woman asked the pharmacist, “Do you have Viagra?” “Yes,” he answered. She asked, “Does it work?” “Yes,” he answered. She said, “Can you get it over the counter?” “I can, if I take two tablets,” he replied.
Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an impotence clinic? He had to cancel because something came up!
Watch out for tennis players – love means nothing to them!
The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy. “I don’t understand why you girls can’t understand the male sex organ. You’ve had it pounded into you all semester!”
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?” The little boy replies, “isn’t that what you give dad when his shit won’t get hard?”
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
Kept messing around and created a girl.
God named this creation “Woman” and he gave her —
Two beautiful legs, so long and so tender.
A beautiful waist so slim and so slender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
Rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes as she whips them around
Two lovely arms just waiting to bless you,
With two loving hands to soothe and caress you.
Soft cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
With two dreamy eyes to make him grow bolder.
Two beautiful lips so warm and inviting.
God knew that the man would find it exciting.
She was made for a man to make his heart sing.
Then he added vocal chords and ruined the whole fucking thing…
This next portion was written and sent in by Lethal Leprechaun. We were going to wait until his issue, but thought it was more important to get it out sooner, rather than later. I was going to write up my own piece, or take parts of his, but his turned out so good, and I was a day and a half without internet (too long a story to go into now), so instead, I decided to give credit where credit was due.
One of the finest ( if not the finest) Army Officer it was ever my privilege to meet/serve with/under has heard TAPS sound over his own grave. Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf, rose to fame while serving as Commander of United States Central Command, as commander of coalition forces in the Persian Gulf War, which lead to the lightning quick dismantling of Saddam Hussein’s forces in the first Gulf War. He was laid to rest at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point Thursday Feb. 28, 2013 almost unnoticed and uncommented on by the liberal media. He was 78 when he died in Tampa, Florida on December 27, 2012 of complications from pneumonia.
A U.S. Army Honor Guard soldier (R) carries the cremated remains of U.S. Four Star General H. Norman Schwarzkopf to his burial service at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York, February 28, 2013. REUTERS/Mike Segar
A U.S. Army soldier holds a four star flag outside the Cadet Chapel during the funeral service for the late U.S. Four Star General H. Norman Schwarzkopf at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York, February 28, 2013. Schwarzkopf, who graduated from West Point in 1956.
Okay, it’s time for a real rant, rather than the play pretend one I used earlier. And of course, I’ll tell this story with words and pictures!
800,000 Federal Civilian Employees are facing a coming furlough beginning in March. Okay, so we all know that the federal government is too big, so cutting the fat is a good idea, right?
Well, not in this case.
Is it the big-wigs in Washington that are going to have 20% of their pay taken away from them?
The politicians, facing 1/5 reduction in their pay?
Okay, how about a 20% reduction in unemployment payments, welfare, food stamps, etc?
Nope, nope and nope!
As a matter of fact, unemployment and other entitlement programs were INCREASED as well as our taxes on January first!
So who’s pay is being chopped?
Mine for one!
Now, that doesn’t mean much to you other than I’m sure I’m going to receive some sympathetic emails from you wonderful campers, but why mine?
Because I am a Department of Defense civilian employee. Almost ALL DoD civilians will face the same thing. It has been stated that the Navy will not be able to support it’s mission after only two months of this. The military will be a hollow shell because, like it or not, 90% of the non combat positions in the military are being done by civilians now. And now we will be working and being paid for a 4 day week. 20% out of my check. Boom!
But, there is no overtime either. So, when I have to work a UTA weekend to teach reservists what they need to know to stay alive, I’ll have to take not one, but three days off during the week to make up for it.
So who else is going to get the axe?
TSA employees-you think it takes a long time to catch a flight before, how about having to show up three hours early for a flight?
Meat inspectors – ready for the food shortages?
The list goes on and on.
Oh, and of course, it’s the republican’s fault.
Fox News from Feb 19: Instead, he would rather blackmail Americans with food shortages, long lines at airports and the like, and invoke the specter of another recession to gain political advantage over the Republicans. See here for the rest of this interesting article.Why do I have to face a huge cut in pay while the dammed entitlement leaches get a raise? Anyone who doesn’t believe that this is part of O’bastard’s master plan to make ALL of us depended on the largesse of the government is really NOT PAYING ATTENTION!
I can’t file for unemployment, work overtime, use my vacation time, sick time, and (in most cases) get a part-time job!!!
On top of the fact that we haven’t gotten a cost of living increase in 4 years!
You know, I like my job. It’s important. Amongst other things I help our military brothers and sisters stay alive in about the most crappy of environments they could possibly run into. We make below the national average for household incomes and are 25 to 40% below our civilian counterparts.
Why us, among all the money the government spends, gives away to our enemies or spends on drug users and malcontents who WON’T work, why the lower ranking worker bees that keep things running?
This is not right! It’s an insult! And it’s designed to cause the most trouble for EVERYONE.
So, don’t think it’s just me and my brothers and sisters who are going to suffer, this is aimed at ALL of us!
And why is it that congress and the president aren’t taking a 20% pay cut?
And here’s another man’s opinion:
You know, I’m with you Joe. Maybe if congress had manned up instead of wussing out by exempting themselves from any cuts, maybe there would be someone there left to vote for, but for my money, I think that for next year’s mid term elections, every single sitting congress member, no matter the party, should get kicked out and someone else, anyone else, should be elected in their place. Maybe if we could get rid of most of them, maybe the REST of them would get the message that US not THEM are in charge!!!! Especially since they won’t put themselves in the same positions they put us. Let’s face it, how many of them, even with a 20% decrease in pay, would miss any meals?
I’m looking at my list of medications, wondering which ones I can not take for 6 months!
I’m looking at the food in the house, and wondering if we could make it last an extra month or so!
Probably have to start walking to work (although there is an upside to that)
The entertainment budget disappeared first, as well as our cable channels, home telephone line.
Canceled two doctor’s appointments.
I know, there are some of you out there who are saying that it’s not that big a deal.
I also know that there are some of you who are out there still singing O’Bastard’s praises.
”Today President Obama put his inspirational words into action. For the first time,
the U.S. Government Official Position is that Prop 8 is unconstitutional. Thank the President
for standing on the right side of history.”
If you want to look up that bit of praise, you can do a google search on your own.
The Entitlement Leeches will continue to vote these types of people in so long as they
keep getting their free shit. And those of us who are paying for their free shit are
are slowly doing it with less money.
It’s going to stay this way until we stand up and make them stop. They will take more and more from us.
How much are they going to get before we’ve all had enough?
You entitlement leeches just wait. Your turn is coming.
It won’t be long before we’re out of money.
Then what the hell are you going to do???