Dragon Laffs #1304


Header57adult2_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumGood Morning Campers!  I guess if you are reading this than the Mayans were wrong!  Then again, if they were right, you wouldn’t be reading this and I could pretty much say anything and you wouldn’t know the difference.
Albuquerque!
So, that won’t make any sense to any of you who survived, but to those of you who were destroyed, you’re laffing like mad right now, I know you are.
Besides, if you have ever watched the movie, National Treasure, you’ll laff whether the Mayans were right or wrong.
Well, this issue is ready to put to bed and I’m getting ready to climb down into the bomb shelter for the night.  So, you can now go on with the issue…that is…if it’s really there….
You know what I mean.
Young thug dragonYou know, even the most happily of married couples have arguments sometimes.  That is why God invented make-up-sex, after all.  But sometimes, even the most intelligent of us, and Lethal will be the first to tell you that I’m not even a runner up in that category, say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Well, we were at a family get-together and I complimented her sister and it was taken completely the wrong way.
I  thought it was a nice complement myself.  But, I gathered that telling her sister that her ass looked really hot in those jeans was the wrong thing to say.
So anyway, that evening at home, my wife was screaming at me: “Leave!  Get out of this house you son-of-a-bitch!”
As I was walking out the door she yelled, “You bastard, I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
So, I turned around and replied, “So now you want me to stay?”

Please don’t send any more flowers to my hospital room, it’s beginning to get a bit crowded.

And speaking of hospitals, and not with tongue in cheek, like the last story, in January I will be going in hospital for knee replacement surgery.  As it gets closer and we get more information, I will pass it along to all you campers.  I hope to be able to keep up with Dragon Laffs and possibly even publish MORE often as I will be doing a lot of sitting on my ass.  But, now you know.  More information to come and let’s do some more laffing, shall we?

And in keeping with our, “The Mayans Were Wrong” theme for today’s issue…
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Okay, so this has been around… a lot!  But it’s funny every time I read it so we can call this a…
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Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Vern! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Vern.
 ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says ‘Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

VERN’S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

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dragon claus

You guessed it!  A new subspecies!

6aaThey are referred to as“homo slackasserectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The “drag-crotch” shape also seems to effect brain function.  Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly voted for Obama, receives food stamps, and full government care. 

Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

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U.S. Senator John Kerry is reported set to be named Secretary
of State. He’s a known commodity nationally. Sixty percent of
Americans can identify a photograph of John Kerry, the bad
news is that the majority still thinks he’s the dad from the Munsters.

 


 

Chris Christie told Barbara Walters that he is not too fat to be
President.  And when you think about it, if you want a President
who is representative of the American people, a fat guy is
perfect. If Christie does get in the race for President, it won’t
be as much of a run as it will be a waddle. If he gets elected
President it will be even harder to bring down the deficit
because we’ll have to pay to feed him.

 


 

The government is borrowing $4.8 billion a day, spending like
there’s no tomorrow. So Obama is either a socialist or a Mayan.

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John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”
“Wow,” said The Banker , “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied John.
“What kind of pills?” asked The Banker
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

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To All My Liberal Acquaintances,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.  I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.  Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

CIGA Blake

To My Conservative Friends,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ 2013

And happy hanukah!

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Yeah, I know it’s not a Christmas joke, but it’s still funny…

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

coollogo_com-234218600I love getting emails from my dad, especially artistic ones…since he is a renowned artist himself, seeing the things that he finds interesting, is really cool to me.  So, thanks for this one, Dad!  Love ya!

A 19-year-old female college student from Japan, named Chooo-San made paintings on a model.  It looks so real.

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Okay, every time this guy hits the Mario Jump Sound the cat freaks out!  Definitely worth a laff:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/super-mario-jump-sound-scares-cat/

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 –==++ The Mayan Calendar Speaks ++==–

Did you ever have one of those days where you wake up knowing
that you were supposed to do something REALLY important that
day, but for the life of you, you can’t remember what the hell
it was? Mayan Calendar is having one of those days today.

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Okay, so today’s way cool website is just that…WAY COOL.  I think you will really enjoy this one.

Motion Induced Blindness
 
It works exactly like it says, and is one major reason people in cars can look right at you (when you’re on a motorcycle or bicycle)—
 
AND NOT SEE YOU.
 
From a former Naval Aviator.
 
This is a great illustration of what we were taught about scanning outside the cockpit when I went through training back in the ’50s. We were told to scan the horizon for a short distance, stop momentarily, and repeat the process.
 
I can remember being told why this was the most effective technique to locate other aircraft. It was emphasized (repeatedly) to NOT fix your gaze for more than a couple of seconds on any single object.
 
The instructors, some of whom were WWII veterans with years of experience, instructed us to continually “keep our eyesmoving and our head on a swivel” because this was the best way to survive, not only in combat, but from peacetime hazards (like a midair collision) as well.
 
We basically had to take the advice on faith (until we could experience for ourselves) because the technology to demonstrate it didn’t exist at that time.
 
Click on the link below for a demonstration …
 

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Dear Santa
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6bGather round campers and sit a spell, its time for uncle Impish to tell you another story…one that’s a wonderful example of the Christmas spirit, but isn’t really a Christmas story.  So, throw another log on the fire, grab a candy cane to snack on… or some popcorn, fruitcake, cookies, or any of the other thousand snacky snacks that are on our table, grab a pillow, blanket, friend and cuddle up for a story…
A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional 1a_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]sales convention in Chicago . They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night’s dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. 67374963_1291353445_08Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding…

ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on wit67374955_1291353366_04hout him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.

He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight.

1291103821t39xDHThe salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.

When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, “Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay? She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, “I hope we didn’t spoil your day too badly.”

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, “Mister ….” He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, “Are you Jesus?”

He stopped in mid-stride … and he wondered. He gently went back and said, “No, I am nothing like Jesus – He is good, kind, caring, loving, and would never12911040168i6wiD have bumped into your display in the first place.

“The girl gently nodded: “I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples. He sent you to help me, so you are like Him – only He knows who will do His will. Thank you for hearing His call, Mister.”

Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: “Are you Jesus?”

Do people mistake you for Jesus?

That’s our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church. It’s actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day .

You are the apple of His eye even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

Share this, {IF you feel led to do so}.

Sometimes we just take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know….

Thanks.

“Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.”

This made my day. I pray it makes yours as well……..

Merry Christmas to you and yours !!

So boys and girls, campers and first time visitors, I hope and pray that you take the spirit of this little story and not only keep it for this wonderful holiday season, but take God’s love and the blessing of his son, Jesus Christ and the gift he gave to all of us on the cross.  The Love and best wishes from the Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Electronic Media Family to you and your Families.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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