QUIET IN THE RANKS!
Park ‘em and slurp it QUIETLY if you got it. Let’s make this briefing brief shall we?
- Step away from the coffee pot NOW and nobody need leave here with less body parts than when they arrived.
- Owing to having been somewhat under the weather for several days now and the amount of time I spent on my apparently largely unappreciated (going by the number of hits it has) and totally uncommented upon guest rant in Saturdays edition today’s issue is something less than it normally would be. I hope to be back up to snuff both personally and issue wise but next week.
As I explained to the reader who sent this in that’s ‘Valdez’ my Caffeine Canine. He’s a service dog trained to deal with things when my caffeine level gets too low and I can’t function. He also zealous guards my supply of Brown Gold and my coffee pot when its in use, which is basically from the time I get up until post dinner time. That’s him growling from in front of the pot over there now.
Laws for 21st Century Life
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.
The Weary Marine
I could have sworn I had posted this one already, but I didn’t find it….
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, having finally been allowed to go home after his fourth long tour in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman. The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
“Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
“Someone must defend my honor!” the woman shrieked. “This American should be put in his place!”
“Sir,” an English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, much to the relief of the woman. “You Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”
Lewinsky & Kaczynski
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick. Here are the three winners:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
The Blonde and Two Chimps
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”
I can’t figure out if you guys actually LIKE my dispelling these moronic urban legends & misconceptions with no basis in actual facts but an extensive foundations in bull shit, if you are trying to distract me from politics until my politics free time is up (doubtful from looking at the amount of politics in my Inbox from you guys) or if you are all just THAT naive and gullible.
If it IS the last one, please note: Unless Impish and I receive
$100,000 USD EACH (what’s that Impish? Not enough for you to vote Democrat? Ok I can fix that hang on) MAKE THAT $500,000 USD EACH in the PayPal donations account by November 1st, we’re both voting a straight Democratic ticket and getting called home by God that same night as the elections.
(WHAT?! It worked for Pat Roberson!)
Here is the latest pile of manure brought to my attention:
Our country is run by idiots. We are in distress. Where do we go from here?
OK, this is getting simply bizarre.
On Monday, June 25th 2012, the following occurred: The Supreme Court
unanimously – yes, UNANIMOUSLY – upheld the portion of Arizona’s Immigration
Law that directs law enforcement officers to check the immigration status of
EVERYONE who is ARRESTED for a crime. It not just “ALLOWS” them to check,
but “DIRECTS” them to check. That means it’s mandatory.
Less than three hours later, the President of the United States issued an
executive order BLOCKING THE ENTIRE STATE OF ARIZONA’S ACCESS to the the
Federal Database that would allow such checks. The only State or Local entity
ever to be blocked.
One hour after that (which means they had it all ready in advance), the
Department of Justice went live with a toll-free number, a web site, and
ads, ASKING FOR PEOPLE TO REPORT BEING “RACIALLY PROFILED”
because of this ruling, so they – THE U.S. JUSTICE DEPARTMENT – can file
“Civil Rights” lawsuits against the Police Departments, Sheriffs, Cities,
Counties and State of Arizona.
In other words, the American Citizens of the State of Arizona are going to
be sued for vast sums of money, BY THEIR OWN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, for
enforcing a law that The Supreme Court UNANIMOUSLY held as constitutional.
Is it just me, or is it starting to smell just a wee bit like treason
in high places?
Who ever wrote this it IS just you!
1.) The Supreme Court’s decision was NOT ‘unanimous’, rather it was a 5 to 3 split decision: http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/judicial/story/2012-06-25/supreme-court-arizona-immigration-ruling-analysis/55825582/1
2.) Having checked a list of Obama’s Executive Orders [ http://1461days.blogspot.com/2009/01/current-list-of-president-obamas.html ] (Current to Sept 16th 2012) before posting I see no such alleged Executive Order.
I’ll concede there WAS an Executive Order issued on July 25th, Executive Order 13617.
Which is titled: “BLOCKING PROPERTY OF THE GOVERNMENT OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION RELATING TO THE DISPOSITION OF HIGHLY ENRICHED URANIUM EXTRACTED FROM NUCLEAR WEAPONS”. Now unless those Illegals in Arizona happen to have pockets full of weapons grade uranium I fail to see how this would affect them.
Additionally, were such an Executive Order issued, it would represent a direct challenge to the authority of the Supreme Court by a President for the first time (that I could find) in history. I’m fairly certain that a HUGE issue would have been made out of this on several different levels with regard to Constitutional Law, the upcoming Elections. Instead not a peep out of ANYONE about this mysterious phantom Executive Order.
What DID happen was that Obama directed the DHS, under who’s jurisdiction ICE falls “suspending existing agreements with Arizona police over enforcement of federal immigration laws, and said it has issued a directive telling federal authorities to decline many of the calls reporting illegal immigrants that the Homeland Security Department may get from Arizona police.
Administration officials, speaking on condition they not be named, told reporters they expect to see an increase in the number of calls they get from Arizona police — but that won’t change President Obama’s decision to limit whom the government actually tries to detain and deport.
“We will not be issuing detainers on individuals unless they clearly meet our defined priorities,” one official said in a telephone briefing.”
3.) The DoJ Hotline created 2 weeks prior to ruling:
Wasting no time after the Supreme Court ruling, the Department of Justice has set up a hotline for people to call if they feel like officers have violated their civil rights in enforcing SB 1070.
“It’s very insulting,” Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne said
Horne wasn’t pleased with the hotline the DOJ created two weeks before the “show your papers” provision of SB 1070 was allowed to take effect.
“The federal government can be irritating at times,” Horne said. “They have all of these prejudices that we are prejudice.”
I am no fan of Obama and would love nothing better than to see the next President review every one of Obama’s Executive Order, directives and the laws he forced down the nations throats and issue his own Executive Order nullifying every last one 1 a day each for his first 100 days in office. However if he is not re-elected and tossed from office by GOD it should be done in a truthful and accurate manner and not with bullshit and false accusations.
The Queen makes a Statement about Prince Harry posing NUDE
Latest statement from the Queen via Buckingham Palace UK:
We confirm that the water in the pool was very,very cold…!!
One would not call this a good representation of our “Crown Jewels” …!!
Though I WOULD say it IS an accurate representation of the amount balls the British have shown in dealing with the Islamic Infestation over running the British Isles.
The farmer’s wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in there.
Instead of milking their cow, her husband was standing with his trousers down at the rear of the bovine and humping away at it like a mink.
Angrily she yelled at him, “That’s the most depraved and disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my life! I’m going to tell everyone in the community that you were having sex with the cow!”
The farmer, meanwhile, had finished his task and was slowly pulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly replied,
“Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow, and I’ll tell everyone that it’s because the cow is better than you!”
Molly to me to task this weekend (I suspect its a favorite past time of hers and more likely ALL women). Seems I have been target fixated on those who are deployed and fighting in my applying the term “Hero”. Molly’s point was that there are heroes here at home too. I responded that was what our Knighthood Most Impish as well as out Hospitaliter Draconis were for as well as the Leprechaun’s Legion of Loyal Troop Supporters. Molly’s response was to look at me as though I understood nothing and was even a hopeless cause when it came to her remedial attempts to educate me.
Shortly after that I received an e-mail from her with the following comment and links. As I went through them I began to understand her point and her remedial lesson(s) finally made sense. I stand (or rather truthfully sit here sweating profusely from fever) well and duly chastised and corrected.
Not all courage is found on the battlefield, nor are some of the biggest battles even fought there.
Sometimes, the biggest heroes of a story are not even in the military.
Until now I thought I knew what courage and devotion were.