Dragon Laffs #1268


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Adult-Content-1_thumb1_thumbGood Morning Campers!  Well, as of the final draft of this issue of your favorite e-zine is being tightened up, it’s Friday night before it’s publication date.  I’m still on the road in Texas and sadly, it looks as though the Leprechaun and the dragon are not destined to meet up this time around either. 
I know.  It’s really sad.  I’ve a tear in my eye as I write this. 
But I do know that both of us have entries into the huge mega-millions lottery that is going on tonight, so if either one of us hits, he will not only share with the other, but will make arrangements for us to finally meet face to face.  So, if for some reason you guys don’t get your dragon laffs in the morning, it may be because we are 600+ million dollars richer and we’re out celebrating!
But, if you’re reading this now, it means that we didn’t win and it’s all a moot point anyway.  I’ll wait to publish this till in the morning and you can expect to find out the results in the Last Word.

But for now…

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Well, anyone that knows me, knows that I’m addicted to mine.  When my boss saw this cartoon, he sent it around through email to all the guys who know me and said, “I saw this and I just thought of him.”
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Well, at least it’s a somewhat safe addiction.

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Maybe we can talk him into running. He appears to have what most politicians lack.
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This is great fun…and clean.  Imagine that!

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Best Military Quote:


“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now it’s legal. I’m getting out before Obama and the democrats make it mandatory!”
Sgt Harry Berres, USMC

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Although you can see the punch line coming from a mile away, it’s still a funny joke

Never Believe An Irishman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call
on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the man just shrugs,
“That’s about average up our way, folks…like I said – my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy..”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
“Say, you’re the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks
…. so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened?”
“He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
“Had him circumcised.”

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Saying goodbye to mother (not sad)

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.   

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I really like this guys attitude!  LOL!

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Lethal Leprechaun’s cat acts an awful lot like he does in the morning.

Caught on tape, this really is as bad as it gets.  I tried to find it on youtube so you wouldn’t have to click a link, but I couldn’t find it. So, here’s the original link that was sent to me.
http://rmirror.net/r/videos/comments/q5hu9/car_accident_nsfl/ 

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As of the writing of this particular piece, the mega-million lottery is over 600 million dollars.  It would be wonderful to win the money and be set for life…be able to be philanthropic and help people, buy a house for cash.  Leave a hundred dollar tip for a cup of coffee, the biggest though, would be not having so much worry. 

Anyway, in the spirit of the odds of winning, here are 15 things that are MORE likely to happen to you then winning this lottery.

15 Things More Likely to Happen than Winning Mega Millions

Mar 30, 2012 4:45 AM EDT

The odds of winning the Mega Millions are a long shot at 1 in 176 million. From landing dream jobs to unfortunate demises, The Daily Beast lists much more likely occurrences.

The Mega Millions jackpot has grown to $540 million, and people across America are dying to score the lucky ticket. According to lottery officials, the odds of winning the massive prize are about 1 in 176 million. Despite the excitement, those odds are not good. In fact, there are many other things—good and bad—that are much more likely to happen to a person than winning that money. From landing dream jobs to unfortunate demises, The Daily Beast lists much more likely occurrences.

Death by Vending Machine

Odds:  1 in 112 million

On average, two people in the U.S. are crushed to death underneath vending machines each year. Please snack responsibly.

Dying in an Airline-Related Terrorist Attack

Odds: 1 in 25 million

No one has died in an airplane-related terrorist attack since 9/11. The pat-downs of elderly people and toddlers are really paying off.

Having Identical Quadruplets

Odds:  1 in 15 million

Identical quadruplets would be adorable, but you wouldn’t be able to support them because you probably won’t win the lottery…

Becoming President

Odds:  1 in 10 million

Mitt Romney has seen these odds and he likes them.

 

Dying From Bee, Hornet, or Wasp Stings

Odds:  1 in 6.1 million

Who knew bees were so scary? Then again, bees may not be as much of an issue this year.

Dying From Being Left-Handed

Odds:  1 in 4.4 million

It’s a right-handed world. Apparently, a fair number of left-handed people die each year from using right-handed products incorrectly.

Becoming a Movie Star

Odds:  1 in 1,505,000

There’s more than one way to make money in this world, and movie stardom is a better bet than playing the lottery.

Dying in a Plane Crash

Odds:  1 in 1 million

If you are too scared to board a plane, why did you just buy a lottery ticket?

Death by Flesh-Eating Bacteria

Odds: 1 in 1 million

Not as rare as one would hope, but there are worse ways to die. Maybe.

Getting Struck by Lightning

Odds: 1 in 1 million.

A lightning strike is probably still preferable to flesh-eating bacteria.

Dying in a Bathtub

Odds: 1 in 840,000

These odds are not an excuse to stop bathing.

Dying in an On-the-Job Accident

Odds:  1 in 48,000

If this applies to you, you may want to take a risk and buy that lottery ticket.

Murder

Odds: 1 in 18,000

Hopefully it won’t be over a lottery ticket, but if it is, at least your murderer probably won’t win either!

Dying in an Asteroid Apocalypse

Odds: 1 in 12,500

The good news is that this will probably never happen. That is, until the year 2040, when it’s totally going to happen!

Dying in a Car Accident

Odds: 1 in 6,700

Good luck driving to the store to buy that lottery ticket.

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Oh Google!  You are in SO much trouble.

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CHOICE~1

white power

Motivational Not Now

Thanks to K² for this quick opinion piece.  Couldn’t have said it better myself:

Capitalism akbar

After reading the headlines about the US soldier who shot up

Afghanistan civilians, I couldn’t help noticing an irony.  There is
all this clamor to try this guy quickly and execute him, never mind
his having suffered a traumatic brain injury. 
Yet this Major Hasan, who shot up Fort Hood while screaming Allah
akbar, still hasn’t stood trial, and they are still debating whether
he was insane, even with the clear evidence regarding his motive:
slay as many infidels as possible.  So we have a guy in a war zone
who cracks, and he must be executed immediately. 
But this Muslim psychiatrist who was stateside in a nice safe
office all day murders 13, wounds 29 of our own guys, and they try to
argue the poor lad suffered post-traumatic stress syndrome, from
listening to real soldiers who had actual battle experience.  Two and
a half years later, they still haven’t tried the murderous bastard.

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I’ll bet there are a lot of you out there that thought I was a big winner in the megamillions lottery because this is so late in arriving.
Sigh!
I wish it were true.
Instead, because I waited and didn’t set the issue to autopost, when the power was shut off this morning, I had no internet connection to send it out.  I gathered that this was a planned outage, across the whole base.  But if it was planned from 0700 to 1700 hrs…10 hours, I know it’s impossible to have generators at every building, but I would think that lodging would have their own.
Nope.
But they did plan to bring one in.
And here they are hooking it up:
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The actual generator is out of the picture to the left in the parking lot.  These guys are running the wires to the junction box and hooking it up so that we’ll have some ‘lectricity.  But…. what the heck are they doing?
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Yes…that’s a rubber glove being used as an insulator.  Well, whatever works and whatever gets me power!  Go guys!  Go!


So…why wasn’t it set up the night before?
That’s a really good question…and maybe they planned on it and other things got in the way.  Who knows.  But at about 1000 hrs local, the power did come back on and I was able to check the Megamillions web site and …
I WAS A WINNER!!!!!
Holy crap!
I won!
I WON!!
I WON!!! I WON!!! I WON!!!
Yup.
I did!
I bought five tickets at a dollar a piece, and on one of them I got the power ball number correct, so ….
according to the web site….
I won….
$2!

Wait, what?
So…
I’m actually $3 in the hole?
And counting the $5 from the last time that I didn’t win anything, I’m now $8 in the hole…
But…
I won…
Didn’t I?

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17 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1268

  1. Vw Touareg Now With Hood Ornamental Chrome Spam says:

    Very nice post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I’ve truly enjoyed surfing around your weblog posts. After all I will be subscribing on your rss feed and I am hoping you write again soon!

    Lethal here~

    We write generally post twice a week Wednesday’s & Saturdays, occasionally additional editions as special occasions arise. However we do not accept nor in our opinion does ANY occasion warrant or excuse Spamming. Not ever you Teutonic Twit. Now Big Smile thr esel die hölle heraus weg von unserem Blog und spam uns nicht wieder!

  2. lethalleprechaun says:

    Paul~
    With financial views like that are you SURE you have no Irish or Leprechaun blood in you?

  3. paul says:

    i figure i also won the lottery – i got in w/ a bunch of other people at work – they went the last 4 go arounds and i just went in on the last one – so they spent $20,00 and i spent $5,00 – so i’m up $15.00 ???

  4. photo mounting board for mopunting SPAM says:

    I think what you posted made a great deal of sense. But, what about this? suppose you wrote a catchier post title? I am not saying your content is not solid, however what if you added something that makes people desire more? I mean Dragon Laffs #1268 | Dragon Laffs is kinda vanilla. You should glance at Yahoo’s front page and watch how they create post titles to get people to click. You might try adding a video or a related pic or two to grab people excited about everything’ve written. Just my opinion, it might make your posts a little livelier.

    Lethal Leprechaun here Verderosa~

    FIRST of all, let me say the day we need to turn to a spammer, trying to slide a plug for his website into our blog sans our permission, for advice on how to make our blog work is the day we both throw throw in the proverbial (electronic) towel!

    SECONDLY, DragonLaffs has been around for 1268 issues plus countless special issue and special announcements. It has grown from a handful of reader over the years to HUNDREDS of loyal followers. The named is a “branding of sorts” a URL and recognized by many for quality opinions and good humor.

    In short basically STEP THE HELL OFF SPAMMING SCUM! We’ll change the name right about the time all you spammer DIE!

  5. Jeanne says:

    One number. I had ONE number!! Geeze!

    • impishdragon says:

      You know, I always thought it was the Army that did all the bugle calls, but this base is actually owned by the Navy. They have the weirdest series of bugle calls. First there is a short burst, I can’t really tell what that is, but it’s about 6 minutes prior to 0800 and again, sometime in the evening. Then about 5 minutes of the hour, it sounds like a horse race is about to begin. Then they play the National Anthem in the morning and some strange thing in the evening. I have yet to hear taps at night, I thought that was a requirement. On our little Air Force Base plays Taps plays every night at 2200. Odd.

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Wada ya expect out of landlocked Squid and Swabbies?

        You should count yourself bloody lucky they are not using one of those ruddy ear piercing teeth gritting Bosun’s Whistles instead of the bugle!

  6. lethalleprechaun says:

    Don’t forget scale face, as your agent 10% of all income you make is mine. That includes gambling income. I want my 20 cents!

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