I figured being Easter Weekend we needed a little something with Pizazz and some Easter eggs and of course todays issue features lots Easter jokes! Impish will also be doing an Easter issue which will likely prove the more dignified and respectful look at Easter tomorrow. I decided hey its FRIDAY, it’s the WEEKEND, who wants to be respectful and dignified on Friday night?
Am I right?
Oh, by the way, before Impish tries to get too much mileage off being the respectful dignified one this time around? I might mention that I know for a fact all week long he has tried (to no avail) to order a chocolate covered Playboy Bunny!
Now Let’s Laugh!
Why the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs
10. Big tax write-off.
9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.
7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.
6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.
4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.
3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?
2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.
While on a road trip, Harry and Martha stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, Martha unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She
didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, Harry became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded Martha relentlessly during the entire return trip. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t
let up one minute. To Martha’s relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.As Martha got out of the car and hobbled inside to retrieve her
glasses the old geezer shook his fist and yelled …
” While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card.”
Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts
10. Neighbors describing him as “a quiet loner.”
9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, “You’re going to die up there, fat man!”
8. Can’t stop washing his paws.
7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a “suicide egg.”
4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
3. Won’t come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
2. He’s hippity-hopped up on crack.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
This week marks the one year anniversary of the accident leading to the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf. BP marked the anniversary by suing the maker of the blowout preventer and the rig owner. They also claim that environmental conditions in the Gulf have already returned to near pre-spill conditions.
Well as a person who lives near the Gulf I can tell you that when it comes our beaches…
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN OIL ON THE BEACH!
Think that’s bad? It gets worse, there’s more!
This next example of beach damage might even be a Hurricane Ike remnant
Previously once scenic vistas still exhibit hideous natural beauty marring scars
Even the tourist industry is being hit hard by the damage
Fish and wildlife are still not recovering and may species show signs of gross abnormalities like the Texas mullethead shown here missing most of its tail area covering.
Even the water fowl still suffer lingering effect like these bearded dorks storks..
Whales still beach themselves regularly…
You even occasionally still find an occasional oil covered animal like this nipple ringed beach baboon
SO BP STOP TELLING ME OUR TEXAS BEACHES ARE PRESTINE ONCE AGAIN ‘CAUSE IT JUST AIN’T SO!
The Night Before Easter
‘Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid back.
Impish the Dragon in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky…
To be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.
There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such,
And as Impish stuffed his face, he sighed, “This is too much!”
Lethal and Molly were in bed watching late night TV,
While munching saltines with low-sodium Brie.
Then a sudden commotion rang out in the night.
It shook Lethal and Molly, really gave them a fright.
Lethal’s hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out fat…
Molly whipped off the covers and knocked off her cat.
They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds…
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:
Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens,
Soared a minivan drawn by eight overgrown chickens!
At the wheel sat a bunny — cute, fuzzy and fat —
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.
Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:
“Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On Bethany, Liza! On Daphne, on Flo!”
The van made its landing lickety-split …
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!
Then up on the roof, much toLethal’s consternation,
They squawked of egg prices and space navigation.
They made so much noise that Lethal started to stammer,
“If you guys don’t shut up, I’m dropping the hammer!”
Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.
This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair ..
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.
His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
Was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy-eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.
“While I’m here,” he smiled, “Everybody relaxes …
I’m not selling storm windows, won’t audit your taxes.
I’m just here to bring you some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let’s party tonight!”
So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes,
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop-ears said, “Hey, friends, we’ve had quite a ball,
But my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!”
He crossed both his eyes. Then he wiggled one ear,
And he yelled to his chicken team, “We’re outta here!”
As the minivan rose in the 3 a.m. sky,
He called out, “Later, Lethal and Molly! And to you, Impish, good-bye!”
As he sped out of sight, his three friends heard him say,
“Happy Easter to all! Have a beautiful day!”
Author Unknown With poetic license & liberties taken by LethalLeprehaun
It’s so nice to see Impish getting modeling gigs again! He let himself go so bad when he got depressed after losing the title role in Eragon, I was afraid he’d never get modeling work again. Pretty good likeness too, they really caught his wide side!
1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
Gabriel goes to the Lord and says, “I have to talk to you.
We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems.
They’re swinging on the Pearly Gates; my horn is missing; they’re wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there’s barbecue and Picante sauce all over everything—especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they’re wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats—instead of their halos; they refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean; their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom; there are tortilla chip crumbs and watermelon seeds all over the place; some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them.”
The Lord said, “Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. . If you want to hear about some real problems, call the Devil.” .
So Gabriel calls up the Devil. When he answers the phone and says, “Hello—hold on a minute . . .”
When he returns to the phone, the Devil says, “O.K., I’m back. What can I do for you?”
Gabriel replies, “I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans.”
The Devil says, “Hold on again—I need to check on something . . .”
After about 5 minutes, the Devil returns to the phone and says, “I’m back. Now what is the question?”
“Gabriel says, “What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?”
The Devil says, “Man, I don’t believe this! Hold on . . . .”
This time, the Devil is gone 15 minutes. When he returns, he says, “I’m sorry Gabriel—I can’t talk right now! Red Adair just put out the fire down here—and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!”
It’s wise to recall . . . we TEXANS survive . . . despite the odds!
Short Easter Jokes
When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair?
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.
Alzheimer’s Advantage #2 :- You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.
Q. What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A. The Ether Bunny
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn’t want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.
Obama is the shepherd I did not Want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican Party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of The Bread Line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will
Follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
Sure beats where jelly beans come from!
All I need to know I learned from the Easter Bunny!
- Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
- Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
- There’s no such thing as too much candy.
- All work and no play can make you a basket case.
- A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
- Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
- Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
- Some body parts should be floppy.
- Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.
- Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
- The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
- To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
- The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
May the joy of the season fill your heart.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU!