Good Morning Campers! School is on a two-hour delay, which means that I have to hustle my bustle into work so that I might run home to take the littlest dragonette to the bus. So, without further ado, let’s jump right into the fun stuff!
At long last the good-humored boss was
compelled to call Fisk into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed
out, “that every time there’s a home game at the
stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”
“You know you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Fisk.
“I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s
faking it, do you?”
Dear God,
My prayer for 2011 is for a
fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
Amen
How twins are made…
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- Newark’s airport had to cancel 440 flights because of heavy snowstorms. That’s when you know it’s bad — when officials think it’s more dangerous to fly out of Newark than to spend the night there.
- In New York City, it was so cold that at the upscale hotels, bedbugs were crawling around looking for extra blankets.
- In Texas, it was so cold that Tom DeLay asked for an extra cell mate.
- Ted Williams, the homeless man with the golden voice, has gone from being homeless to being famous, and now to rehab. So you know what’s next: “Dancing With the Stars.”
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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made his third surprise visit of the week to Iraq. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like he’s just lost in that area?
- The Kardashian sisters are planning to launch their own clothing line at Sears later this year. The clothes will come in three sizes: Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe.
- A town in Britain is making government employees submit written requests to have an office romance. That’s going to be weird if the other person’s not into it.
- The FDA says it will limit the amount of pain reliever found in Vicodin. Which explains my new substitute for Vicodin: two Vicodin.
I love my iPhone, but I’d have to say that this is fairly accurate.
Conan
- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, “Why is a woman talking?”
- The FDA will require the makers of Vicodin and Percocet to reduce the most potent ingredient in the drugs. The announcement was made by the FDA’s medical chief, Dr. Buzzkill.
- There’s a new website that allows you to use Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, surf the web, and read all the news in one place. That one place is called “work.”
- Facebook is not popular in Japan because Japanese people are traditionally introverted and private. The report was written by someone who has never set foot in a Karaoke bar.
This guy is very funny. Check out some of his other posts as well.
http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html
I don’t know if this is REALLY Dennis Miller’s Advice or not….and I don’t care. It’s funny and truthful!
ONE – Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO – If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don’t try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE – Quit blowing smoke up women’s asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single
mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won’t have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR – Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at…say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn’t you, because he’s a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo….
FIVE – This is very important: during lovemaking, don’t ask, “Who’s your daddy?” Even as a joke. All right? It’s not funny.
SIX – When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN – Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT – Don’t ask her if she came. You’re a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE – Don’t tell her how to merge and she won’t tell you to ask for directions.
TEN – When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
Believe it or not…there are people….well….mythical people…who work at Dragon Laffs Enterprises that are Cat People…and it is for them that this is posted: (Aren’t creatures people, too? I know I’m a people…and mythical. Hmm, another good discussion point for later.)
1. “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer.” — Bruce Graham
2. “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” — Unknown
3. “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” — Anonymous
4. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” — Jeff Valdez
5. “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” — English proverb
6. “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” — Ellen Perry Berkeley
7. “One cat just leads to another.” — Ernest Hemingway
8. “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message — and get back to you later.” — Mary Bly
9. “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” — Joseph Wood Krutch
10. “People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” — Faith Resnick
11. “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” — Anonymous
12. “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” — Hippolyte Taine
13. “No, Heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” — Unknown
14. “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” — Albert Schweitzer
15. “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” — Ernest Menaul
16. “Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”
17. “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” — Colette
18. “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” — Missy Dizick
19. “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” — Colonial American proverb
20. “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” — Joseph Wood Krutch
21. “I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.”
22. “My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss my husband sometimes.”
23. “Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.”
You gotta love the morons. Think of all the laughter we would miss out on if it weren’t for them! But this guy…he’s special! lol
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/714.html
Thanks to Mike Richard for sending us this one and SO MANY of the other laffs we get. Also thanks to the Post Man for posting some of the funniest stuff on the web.
Nicely done cartoon….on youtube:
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W- Lazy_Y.”
“But, where are all your cattle?”
“None have survived the branding.”
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning !
Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate & BEER
The last of the series….
Wow! Two bus jokes in one issue…
I went out with some friends last night and really tied one on.
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I got really plastered.
So in respect of our drink driving laws, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus and arrived home safe and warm…which is surprising because I had never driven one before.
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Dragon Laffs 