Well, as I said in the last issue’s closing, I’m jumping right into the next episode so as to get as much done as I can since things are coming to a head.

Okay, so since I’ve written that first paragraph, I’ve gotten new WiFi service, picked Izzy up from work, my new electric snow shovel showed up from Amazon and I assembled that, I wrapped some presents, started the bike for ten minutes … I’m now worn OUT!

I also bought a GIANT surge protector to straighten out my battery charging area.  Fixed that up as well.

Anyway, so that was me this afternoon….hope you had as much of a productive day as I did. So now …

 

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

Hey, don’t blame me!  I’m just passing them on!

 

 

A customer called our airline’s reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card.

As is our normal policy with all customers, my co-worker asked him:

“Would you please spell the name as it appears on your card, sir?”

The customer replied, “Oh, sure! V – I – S – A.”

This last one was recently published on our EM Website at work, so I thought I’d share it with you guys.  It’s pretty raw and basic, but it’s a really good place to start if you don’t already have a bugout bag.

 

 

This is the electric snow shovel that I bought and it looks like I may get a chance to use it real soon.  It’s snowing and the temperature is dropping.  Right now it’s down to 17 degrees with a windchill of 3 and it’s just gonna get colder.

 

 

Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother.

One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, “Petey, don’t hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss.”

So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit.

Petey’s mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott’s pit and hiss in her pit.

Petey went over to Mrs. Pott’s pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs Pott’s pit Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit.

She said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don’t hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss.”

This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.

When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, “Petey, what’s the matter?”

Petey said, “I went over to Mrs. Pott’s to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don’t hiss in my pit.”

This made Petey’s mother very angry and she said, “Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. 

One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck. 

His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late. 

His replied, “Well, after I left work today, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. 

We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess. 

Things just kept happening, as you can well see. 

I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home.” 

She screamed, “You liar! You were in the lab again, weren’t you?” 

The Perks of Being Over 60


Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run — anywhere.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

You can live without sex (though not without glasses).

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Met. Office.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them, either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?

 

He was the first Telephone Pole

 

 

Did you know that “T-Shirt” is actually an abbreviated version of “Tyrannosaurus Shirt”?

Because of the short arms.

 

 

And that’s it, now I have snow to electrically shovel….(insert evil laughter here)

May the Good Lord Bless you all with Love and Happiness.

I just spent the entire day filling out Christmas cards … my hands hurt.  I both really enjoyed that and really disliked that.  Does that make sense?

I liked it because I’m trying … so very hard … to get into the Christmas spirit, I truly am.

I disliked it because I’m failing miserably in that last statement.

I had a long bit written here, but I erased it, that’s not what this is for, this is for laughter and fun, so let’s get to it, shall we? 

Okay, so we’ve seen this one before, but it’s just so … moronic … I just had to share it again when it was sent to me again.

 

 

And we’ve seen this one before, too…but … it’s just too funny not to share again.

 

 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Joe, you know you’re goin’ to hell for that.

 

 

 

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer’s home. 

The woman very specifically said, “From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. 

Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox.”

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, “What color is your house?”

The woman paused a second and said, “Hold on. I’ll go check.

The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise.

A true American Veteran!

Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years.

Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

“Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration.

You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache.

As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life.

Maybe even a new wardrobe.

He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not?

He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

“How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

“Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already.

Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

“Sure,” Fred said.

The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

The tailor shook his head and said:

“You can’t wear size 34.

Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

“Two Houma Men Taken into Custody After Roux Debate Escalates to Brawl in Grocery Store Parking Lot”

HOUMA, LA — Two Terrebonne Parish residents were taken into custody Monday afternoon following a physical altercation in a local grocery store parking lot over how to properly make a gumbo.

According to Houma Police Department reports, 45-year-old Leroy “Choupic” Gautreaux of Chauvin and 48-year-old Wayne “Crab Leg” Duplantis of Houma initially engaged in a heated verbal debate around 12:30 p.m., during lunchtime, regarding whether a traditional gumbo requires a roux. The disagreement quickly escalated into a brawl, when both men reportedly started shoving each other and striking each other with wooden spoons and fists near parked vehicles.

Witnesses described the scene as chaotic, noting that grocery carts were overturned and several jars of file powder shattered onto the asphalt. Store staff intervened and called authorities to de-escalate the situation.

Police arrived on the scene and took both men into custody, charging them with disturbing the peace and reckless conduct in a public space. No serious injuries were reported. Both men were released later that afternoon after posting bond.

The incident highlights the intensity of cultural debates surrounding Cajun cooking. Gautreaux insisted that a flour based roux is essential for an authentic gumbo, while Duplantis stated that an onion-base is how his momma showed him while shouting “roux equals stew” to Gautreaux.

Store management confirmed that normal parking lot operations resumed shortly after the altercation and reminded patrons to keep culinary disputes confined to kitchens rather than public areas.

Law enforcement officials emphasized that, while spirited discussions about food are common in South Louisiana, physical confrontations—even over recipes—can result in legal consequences.

This brawl has sparked local discussion about tradition, culinary pride, and the limits of passionate debate in public spaces, proving that even a lunchtime discussion about roux can turn the bayou into a battleground. 

11:38 – Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 – Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 – Found murder weapon.

11:38 – Realized watch was broken.

What color are submarines?

Deep navy.

Finished this one up in time.

I hope you enjoyed it, my dear friends. Going to get the next one started.  May our Dear Lord Bless you all.

 

So, you may have noticed on Monday that I screwed up and you got Monday’s and Thursday’s issues both on Monday … so I’m going to try and throw together an issue for Thursday so you’ll have something to open on Thursday.

If you didn’t notice … go back and look, there are two of them there.

Sigh!

It just goes to show you how my life’s been lately.

But anyway… let’s get this road on the show, shall we?

Okay, bear with me…I’ve lost track of which of the videos I’ve used and which I haven’t so if there are some repeats … just laugh again.

 

This one is beautiful!!!

 

Or are Gingerbread men made out of houses…?

Obviously sent in by somebody else…

 

 

See, I don’t think that’s strange at all … I’ve prayed that more than a few times.

 

 

Another beautiful one…

Izzy’s response: And the Americans want to keep Western Civilization. Dude, can you imagine, it’s like the 18th of December and you’re expecting carolers and you open your door and there’s a horse skull outside your door?!

I laughed SO HARD!!!!!

 

 

Two women walk into a tanning salon. 

The receptionist asks: “Are you two sisters?

“Oh no replied one, We’re not even Catholic”. 

 

 

 

Got some mail from our South African buddy about this picture:

Hi Bob

Hope you are well

Not that I like the British, but in their defence – this is not in England. They, like us, drive on the left.

Groete 

Wouter 

That’s a really good point, Wouter!

 

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he’s going to get into cycling…

So he buys himself a brand new light weight racing bike, and he sets out for his first long ride. He’s pretty fit, and he takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he’s just too tired to continue, and he just can’t make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride back, but traffic is very heavy and nobody stops. Finally a guy in a Porsche pulls over and he agrees to give him a ride. Despite his good intentions, the driver soon discovers that the bike doesn’t fit in his car. 

“I have an idea,” he says. “I have some rope in the trunk of my car, so I’ll tie one end to my back bumper, and the other end to your bike. If I’m going too fast, just ring the bell on your bike, and I’ll slow down.”

Off they go, slowly at first, and everything goes fine for the first 20 minutes or so. The guy driving the Porsche regularly checks his mirror to make sure that the cyclist is doing okay. All is well, so the driver puts on some music, and starts to relax.

He’s just enjoying the scenery, tapping his hands to the music, when suddenly a blonde in a red Corvette blows by him at over 75 miles an hour. Completely forgetting the cyclist that he is towing, the Porsche driver instantly puts his foot on the gas to give chase, quickly accelerating to over 90 miles an hour.

Down the road a police officer has set up a speed trap, and he is clocking traffic with a speed gun. In complete disbelief, he radios in to his superior back at the station. 

He says, “Sergeant, you’re not going to believe this… but I just clocked a Corvette and a Porsche speeding through a 45 zone at over 90 miles an hour…”

He continues, “And, Sergeant, that’s not even the amazing part. Right behind them, literally on the tail of the Porsche, an incredible, crazy guy on a racing bicycle, ringing his bell, trying to pass them!”

And that’s it… I got it done.

May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

We’re getting closer and closer to the big day!

I’m trying to be enthusiastic here! Work with me!

I got home from work with Izzy a little early today and she went up to take a nap, so I spent a couple of hours wrapping gifts. I know that sounds like a lot, but I’m not the fastest wrapper in the world, so…… yeah.

Anyway, we are starting with 605 Christmas memes today…we’ll see where we end as we 

Okay, so I saw that meme and had to ask Alexa to play Jim Croce songs and that brought me WAY back!

 

 

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an Alcoholic.

But, when I drink Fanta, no one says I’m Fantastic!

 

 

During the COVID lockdown, if you had family round on Christmas Day, police could force entry to your home and make them go home.

Does anyone know if this service is still available, and if you have to book ahead of time?

 

 

True.  It works.

 

 

 

If you pour cold water into a person’s ear, their eyes will move in direction of the opposite ear. If you pour warm water into their ear, their eyes will move towards that ear. This is used to test for brain damage and is call “Caloric Stimulation”.

Classic Header

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: That’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: Well, perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

 

 

If you get an E-mail with the subject line of “Knock Knock” don’t open it! It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.

You know what, I’m with you NotKennyRogers.  They are called narco-terrorists for a reason.  Now, I know the big controversy is “they fired on the survivors in the water”; “they were hanging on to the wreckage”; 

And maybe if this was normal combat, and we had boots on the ground, (or boats in the water) and had a way of taking prisoners, it would be a different story.  But, it’s more along the lines of what I told Mary if she was home alone and someone broke into the house.

You have two clips for the gun, you empty both clips into center mass, 21 rounds, whether they are still moving or not, then call 911, then call me. You are NOT in a position to make defensive decisions. You have yourself and child(ren) in the house to think of. Period.

You have terrorists in front of you, why give them the opportunity to terrorize you again? If they haven’t learned from any of the other boats that have been blown up, they are not going to learn.

Then I saw an admiral saying, “If those were my Navy SEALs floating in the water, I would want them afforded the opportunity to surrender.” Admiral, if your Navy SEALs were acting as terrorists… I can’t even finish that sentence because I can’t even IMAGINE that scenario taking place! So, you sir, are either being obstinate on purpose to be negative to your President and Leadership OR you are equating your Navy SEALs with scumbag terrorists. Either way, SIR, you are being extraordinarily disloyal and I’m ashamed of you.

But, back to NotKenny’s original point … why is it that the Dem’s are more concerned with these sumbags then with the deaths of thousands of innocent children? No. Those deaths are to be celebrated. 

Give me a break, you hypocrites. 

Okay, I’m done.

 

 

“Vodka” is Russian for “Little Water”.

 

 

Be A Minimalist

It’s The Least You Can Do

I didn’t know that.

 

 

Willow is going to be SO disappointed.

 

 

Boy ain’t that the honest truth!

 

 

Meanwhile at the BMV Center…

BMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

 

 

Mahatma Gandhi said, “If there is an idiot in power, it means those who elected him are well represented.”

Gas Tank: E

[Puts in $20]

Gas Tank: Eh

 

 

Due to the really bad weather, I decided to see if my 83 year old neighbor needed anything from the store.

She did.

So I gave her my list.

No point in both of us going out in this weather.

And that’s it, my friends…I’d give you a big send off, but I’m completely out of time. 

So, until next time, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

Start off with a header that goes WAY back in time. 

Gonna try to get this issue knocked out real fast because I’ll be working all weekend. Today is Thursday and I usually have FBI tonight, but we finished up the semester last week.  I’m supposed to be testing, but I have some time yet to do that and, well … quite frankly, I’m not really ready to test on the Old Testament just yet, so instead, I’ll spend the evening with you guys.

So … I’ve still got 681 Christmas items to get to before I’m through, so let’s see how many of them I can use in this issue…

↑ The US Government ↑

 

 

Go ahead and sing it, you’ll get it.

 

 

Yup.  There are those of us out there.

 

 

I won’t go to self-checkout. I found out that my local Kroger doesn’t have a real cashier come on until after 0800 and I HAD to go to the self-checkout and the very first item I scanned it errored and it called for help and someone had to come and unlock the scanner … so why couldn’t they have had THAT someone open up a register?!?!

 

 

I can tell you the true meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Gory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:8-14 and did you know that they wanted to cut that part out of the show and Charles Shultz said that if they cut it out, then he would take away his permission for them to make the cartoon? I don’t remember if Linus goes all the way as far as I went did, I’m pretty sure he did. It’s been a while since I’ve watched it. I bet I can find it on YouTube though … hang on. 

Yup!  I was right.

 

 

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.  I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together.  One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.  He asked me what I was doing.  I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

“Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.”

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

“You know, I always wondered about that,” he said.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.” He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.

“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cabdriver hit a parked car…

On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance.

Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, “You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you.”

And grammar texts … don’t forget the grammar texts!

 

 

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.

The patient responded, “Don’t be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!”

EVER!!!!!

 

 

Wife:  You got kicked out of the Hobby Lobby shop for dipping your testicles in the glitter?!

Husband: Pretty nuts, huh?

 

 

Nope! I’m going with Bear having the right of way in all instances. Maybe…MAYBE M-1 Abrams Tank gets the right of way over the bear … maybe.

 

 

Polar bears are nearly undetectable by infrared cameras because thermal cameras detect the heat lost by a subject as infrared, but polar bears are experts at conserving heat. So they don’t give off a heat signature.

Sing it with me!

 

 

A hyperbole is, without a doubt, the single most magnificent thing that has ever happened in the world ever.

That one I got.

What do you call it when a fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune inside?

Unfortunate.

That’s if for this time. We started with 681 and we are ending with … 595.  Some I moved, some I deleted, but most I shared.

So, until next time my friends, may God bless you with Love and Happiness until next we meet again.