And now, tis Monday.  Juneteenth.  Whatever the hell that is.  No.  Please don’t try to explain it to me.  It seems like we went through all this last year and if I remember correctly, I didn’t care then, either.  I care about people.  And I care about causes.  But I don’t give a damn about skin color or stupid crap that happened before any of us were born that some people are still holding a grudge over.  We are passed all that.  Or we should be.  It shouldn’t make a bit of difference what color of skin anyone has.  Just like it shouldn’t make any difference what color of hair or eyes or anything else anyone has.  What SHOULD matter is the person’s integrity.  Are they honest?  Do they work hard?  Can you trust them?  Do they treat their family right?  Are they God-fearing?  Are they men and women of honor?  I can go on and on listing laudable attributes but I think you get the idea.  Why are we not judging people on THESE criteria?  Why instead are we basing are judgments on the color of people’s skin?  Whether their ancestors, hundreds of years ago owned slaves or were slaves?  Every nation has horrible mistakes that they made in the past.  Why are we the ones to keep repeating them?  

Anyway, I didn’t mean to jump on that bandwagon this morning.  I woke up in a crappy mood.  I don’t feel good and it is coming out in my writing.  Izzy Dragon ran me all over northern Indiana yesterday and I got nothing done that I wanted to get done, which means that I have to get it done today instead, when what I want to do is sit on my butt, relax, and play with you guys.  But, at a minimum, at some point in time I’m going to have to get up and go mow the lawn.  Usually I enjoy mowing the lawn, but for some reason today I’m not looking forward to it.  Maybe because I’ve been asking for help in the backyard from family and friends to help clear out the jungle that’s back there.  I’ve actually been promised, “oh yeah, we know with your arthritis and the pain you have, we’ll be over at least once a month to help you keep things up.” from several different people.

Nothing. 

But, I shouldn’t complain. 

They don’t owe me anything. 

And I shouldn’t be complaining to you guys.  I should just be moving on like I’m going to and saying…

Absolutely adorable!

So…everybody?  ‘Cause, isn’t that the definition of opinion?

Now, how about something that I haven’t done for a while?

We’ll put a couple of letters and comments in-between our memes for awhile…until I run through the ones I have, anyway.

Marsha, sounds like you’ve had an amazing career.  And we’ve got nothing but respect for you and for all the nurses out there who have all the scut work and none of the glory.  In all honesty, I’d rather have a nurse at the side of my bed when I’m sick then I would a doctor.  They’ve seen it all and they know it all.  And most of them can do it all.  They just don’t have the MD behind their name.  Thanks for sharing Marsha.

Amen!  Especially if it’s a REAL laugh and not just a titter.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’d rather it be snowing!!!, Or lightning!!!  Or ANYTHING other than that.  I’m SO allergic to mosquitos!  I can’t see how she can just stand there and be bit while someone takes the picture!  I want to scream and slap my face just thinking about it.

Tough it up, buttercup.

Harry Potter Dragon

On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. 

The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, “You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you.” 

And just because I’m curious…it translates as “Floor Grinding Machine Rentals”

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn’t mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. 

“A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry,” she told him. 

“Really?” asked the boyfriend, “And just how many men are you intending to marry?” 

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. 

The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. 

All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you…” 

So, it’s a little high-brow humor.  But, if you are a fan of the Bard, it is funny.

I suddenly have a plethora of mermaid pictures…I don’t know what to say about them other than, I suddenly have a plethora of mermaid pictures.

All of Noah’s animals went on board the arc in pairs. 

Except the worms. 

They went in apples. 

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says,” Why don’t you go ask the youngun down the road??? He must be smart because he is a college graduate.” 

So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He ask him ” Mr. College graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” 

The youngun tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. The second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for the outhouse.” 

Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He lights them and then runs behind a tree. 

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!! 
BOOM!! 

Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air.
BOOM!! 

Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the poop all across the farm. 

The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole. 

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!” As she pulls up her pants she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.” 

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar.” 

“What is your occupation?” she probed. 

What made me say it, I do not know… The words simply popped out. “I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.” 

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. 

“Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?” 

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, “I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn’t), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). 

I’m working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). 

But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.” There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. 

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants — ages 13, 7 and 3.  Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, a 6 month old baby, in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another Mom.” 

Motherhood…..What a glorious career! Especially when there’s a title on the door. – Does this make grandmothers “Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations” and great- grandmothers “Executive Senior Research Associates”? – I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts “Associate Research Assistants”.  

What in the…????

“It’s funny,”says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m sucking his dick.” 

“You know what?” replies Jenny. “It’s exactly the same with my Richard…” 

They turn to the third blonde and ask, “When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?” 

“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put Chris’s thing in my mouth!” 

“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it.” 

She says she’ll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner. 

“Whoa!” the first blonde asks. “How did you get that black eye?” 

“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she says. 

“What on earth for?” the second blonde asks. 

“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete’s and Richard’s are so cold.” 

Teri was walking along pushing our newborn son in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, “What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks *just* like his father.” “I know.”, replied Teri, “I just wish he looked more like Pete”

Yup, you guessed it, alligator shoes.

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.

Most ”liberals” are like the dishwasher, always complaining in the back, spitting insults and harboring paranoia and frustration toward the owner – but they have no clue how to run the restaurant.

The objection to Liberals is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think.

So cool!

That      is      AWESOME!!!!

If any woman ever says I was the one that got away …

She means from an asylum.

“Money, success and power don’t change people;

they merely amplify what is already there.”

Friggin’ Pete sends us some really bad news…

As I suspected, I was just diagnosed with apodyopsis, I guess I’ve had it for years now.  I’ll be thinking of all of you as I go through this most difficult time…..

So very sorry to hear of your troubles, brother.  But, if it’s all the same to you, think of somebody else!

Clint Eastwood was 41 years old when he debuted in the role of maverick Detective “Dirty” Harry Callahan in the action film Dirty Harry (1971). Reportedly, the part had been turned down by Paul Newman, John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, and Frank Sinatra. Eastwood insisted on performing his own action stunts, including the famous scene where he jumped from a bridge to the roof of a moving school bus.

I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside and he thinks that’s the way it works.

How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?  Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

I asked my surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. 

He said, “Go ahead, knock yourself out.”

People will question all the good things they hear about you but believe all the bad without a second thought.

Not sure who wrote this next piece, but it’s pretty right on.

Joe Biden has destroyed the LGBTQ+ movement

I hate to say positive things about the President but he has made the gays uncool.

Let’s start with Dylan Mulvaney.  Biden invited Mulvaney to the White House.  A couple months later Mulvaney began promoting Bud Light as a sponsor.  This led to Bud Light imploding, with sales dropping over 30% to-date.  Now conservatives refer to the beer as “transgender fluid” and the iconic brand may never recover.

Next up is Karine Jean-Pierre.  She’s not only a Lesbian but black, too.  Biden made her the White House Press Secretary.  She’s one of the worst in recent memory.  It would seem the only qualifications for the job she has is the fact that she’s black and gay.

We have Richard (Rachel) Levine.  Levine is an obese transgender that was named as the United States Assistant Secretary of Health.  Levine’s nomination is peak clown world.

Sam Brinton is transgender who worked at the US Department of Nuclear Energy.  He was charged with felony theft for allegedly stealing a women’s bag at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.  He’s famous for having an bald egg head, wearing too much make up, being a total pervert, working for Biden and of course he’s a thief.

These are just a few of Biden’s finest from the LGBTQ+ movement.  Biden, with the help of these degenerates, has done more damage to homosexuals than any right wing Christian conservative could dream of.  For that, major props to President Biden.

Fact Of The Day:

Bruce Lee’s First Movie

Bruce Lee’s first time on a film set was not “Enter The Dragon,” “Chinese Connection,” or  even “Game of Death.”  His first time was the 1941 film “Golden Gate Girl.”  Bruce was a full 3 months old at the time.  Not surprisingly, he played an infant and he had no fight scenes in this film.

That just might work…

Empathy is walking a mile in somebody else’s moccasins.  Sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt.

“Go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog” is a palindrome.

Yeah, it was probably him and this is probably me…that’s it for today my friends.  Tune in on Thursday for another exciting episode of your favorite ezine!  And may the Good Lord truly Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again!

I just wanted to take a fast moment to wish all of you fathers out there a fast happy Father’s Day.

• Proverbs 22:6: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
• Proverbs 23:24: “The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.”
• Malachi 4:6: “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.”

Another week under the belt, even though I am starting this one on Tuesday.  Thursday’s issue is already in the bank and I’m starting on Saturday’s issue because I have a very full week ahead of me.  Wednesday is my jail ministry and it’s going to be an important night, Thursday is a brand new ministry that I am (we are) starting at my church called “Completely Free” and it’s put on by my belonging to Miami County Living Free and it will be a 13 week study of The Book of Romans …

out of the Bible …

you know …

Paul …

his letter to the church in Rome …

sigh. 

YOU HEATHENS!!!! 

You’re pulling my leg, I know you are.

You aren’t heathens. 

You are well educated, and well-esteemed men and women. 

Well, except you, over there.  In the corner.  You need to go. 

Sargent-at-Arms, remove that Orc! 

And while that scuffle takes place in the back of the room, in the front of the room, let’s begin our guffaws, shall we?

This guy is definitely committed!

Today I had to go to Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio.  It’s an annual trip that my office has to make.  Some of you will understand when I tell you that it was a PMEL run.  Those of you who don’t understand, don’t worry about it because it has nothing to do with the story.  Because the story has to do with this great picture of a C-130 that flew right over us as we were leaving the base because the road went right around the end of the runway.

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

“I am,” said the hawk, “because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey.”

“That’s nothing,” said the mountain lion, “I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws.”

“I am the most powerful,” said the skunk, “because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you.”

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all… Hawk, lion, and stinker.

Osama Bin Laden was shot and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” 

Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 

“No,” said Osama bin Laden, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.” 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Osama Bin Laden. 

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” 

The devil smiled and said, “OK Monica, you’re free to go.”

“And the sneaky Ninja-Dragon leaps into the fray and defeats all his foes!”
Impish!  Stop playing around and get in here and finish your lunch!
Yes, Mom!

One of my favorite characters of all time!

I have significant questions…

Why?

“Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?”

“No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!”

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.

Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

Still annoys the crap out of me…
Service men and women who gave their lives for this country get one day – Memorial Day
Military men and women who offer to give their lives for this country get one day – Veteran’s Day
Sinners who go against the Plan of God get a whole month!
And yes, I know that’s going to tick some people off, and I don’t care!

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.

Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!”

As I waved back, I said loudly, “What’s the good news?” Alex shouted, “Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!”

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mommy was.

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came up with an idea–each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills.”

The wife replied, “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”

Come on, do you get it?  Do you get it?  Alright, I’ll let you know in a second…

…too much time (thyme) on my hands?

The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children’s group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat. 

She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk “young” learning all the buzz words and hip sayings. 

One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, “If anyone want secs, just let me know. I’ll be in the kitchen getting it ready.” 

Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so! 

Finally the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, “If your so good – then prove it”. The 2nd doctor said “ok I will”. The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said “see that owl”, the 1st replied “yes”, “I’ll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes” said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor encouraged him to try. 

The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a “clip”, “snip”, and “clip” – the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, “9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I’m through – beat that!”. 

The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied “yes”. 

The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a “clip”, “snip”, “cut”, “bang”, “stitch”, and “clip” – the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors. 

The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated “I’m tired, lets land and rest a while!”. Mr. Owl said “ok!” 

Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, “lets land over there on the old oak tree”. 

Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, “I’M NOT LANDING THERE”. Mrs. owl said “why not”, Mr. Owl again proclaimed “I’M NOT LANDING THERE”. This went on for some time! 

Mrs. Owl said, “tell me why you don’t want to land there or we’re going to!”. 

Mr. Owl said; “Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can’t hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot. 

Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, “My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here.” 

“Yes, that’s right.” said the Blacksmith, “Can you shoe Horses?” 

“I’m not sure,” said Paddy, “but I once told a Donkey to fuck off.” 

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits. 

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it. 

“Easy,”says the priest.”Put your finger on your wife’s pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can’t resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them.” 

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. 

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, “Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?” 

Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested? 

He was caught grilling his suspects. 

After living in the swamps all his life, Boudreaux decided it was time to visit the big city of Breaux Bridge.

In one of the stores, Boudreaux picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not knowing what it was, he said “Mais, how bout dat! Dat’s a picture of my daddy!”

He bought the mirror, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Marie, didn’t like his dad. So he hung the mirror in the shack behind the camp, and every morning before leaving for the woods, he would go and look at it.

Marie began to get suspicious of this many trips to the shack. So, one day, after Boudreaux left, she searched the shack and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So dat’s da ugly witch he’s been runnin’ ’round wit!!!”

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Uh, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

Over dinner, my wife said to me, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”

“How did you meet this fellow?” I asked, very concerned.

She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”

Following a really good party one night, the hosts decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the next morning.

As they staggered downstairs next day, they found their young children finishing off all that they could find, and looking the worse for wear.

Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them out in the car for some fresh air.

A traffic policeman, seeing the car going round and round the block for no reason, pulled him over and breathalyzed him … and the meter showed positive.

While matters were being sorted out, one of the children asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyzer … and the meter again showed positive!

“Damn,” said the policeman, “another faulty meter!”

He then apologized to the driver for stopping him, and drove off without another word…

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius…

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey

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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in Texas …

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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President

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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ….”

— Dan Quayle

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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca

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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery

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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

And that, my dear friends, is that.  By the way, just so you know, yesterday, Friday, was the 17th anniversary of Dragon Laffs!  I know, I know, I should’ve made a bigger deal out of it, and I was going to, but there was a bunch of other stuff that was going on and it kind of slipped my mind.  So, we’ll celebrate twice next year.  So, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Well, this week has gone by fast, hasn’t it?  It’s Thursday already!  I’ve gotten some really nice comments lately about people being happy to receive their copies of DL.  I just want to say thank you for showing such love!  I deeply appreciate that kind of feedback.  Thank you very much.

I don’t really have much to add right now, although I have forgotten in the last couple of issues to put the nose art pictures back in, so I have to remember to put them back in.  So, remind me before I finish this issue out. 

I am annoyed as crap that we have PROOF of Biden taking bribes and no one is doing a damn thing about it.  And yet they are fabricating crap to try and frame Trump.  Tell me again how we are all fair and equal under the law. 

Anyway, I’ve shouted about this until I’m blue in the face…and I’m a blue dragon, so you know how hard that is to do???  So, let’s get started on the laughter and we’ll get to the ranting stuff later … maybe. 

Well, I’m so very, very glad that I am WAY ahead of schedule with this one, since I just came back to finish it up and found out that it is completely disappeared.  From almost done to completely gone overnight.  So, what’s a dragon to do other than pull up his pants and start over again!  Luckily the system saves the pictures, so I’ll still have those, but none of the jokes in-between.

But, we’re going to start with a couple of runs of Calvin and Hobbs, so let’s get to it!

Joe from NJ and I have had a few conversations about things and one of the things we agree on is how we both feel about nurses.  Here’s a letter I got from him just today:

Impish,

I only recently learned that Marsha is a Nurse. A profession that deserves the highest possible respect. Over the past approx. 13 years I have had close dealings with more Nurses than I can recall. A lot of people go through life thinking a Nurse is just the person taking your vitals in the exam room before your doctor comes in. That image drastically changes when you’re recovering from any type of operation and you need a med or some kind of help in the middle of the night. One push of the button and one of those nerves of steel angels is asking what they can do for you. If the problem is bad enough you’ll have two of them in your room STAT. While you’re upset and telling them you’re sorry, they’re dealing with the immediate problem and calming you down, assuring you everything is ok and you’ll be fine. I can honestly say I’ve never had a less than outstanding nurse taking care of me during my ordeals. As a Navy and Air Force Veteran, I’ve had a lot of emergency first aid training. It’s easy to tell when I have a Pro working on me. If every nurse found out when they woke up tomorrow that their pay had been doubled, they would still be terribly under paid.

Regards,

…Joe in NJ

Joe, I couldn’t agree with you more.  I won’t go into the details of dealing with all the nurses in my life, but suffice it to say that it has been numerous and often.  They are definitely the underdogs of the medical community and deserve way more than they get.  To all our dear, wonderful nurses out there as readers, we thank and cherish each and every one of you.  I know of at least two of you, if there are any more, you should speak up and let us know.

Some of these we’ve heard before…a lot of these we’ve heard before, but they’re still funny, so let’s read them again, okay?

It’s not a middle finger, it’s my unicorn fist.

Your veterinarian won’t tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and get some mustard.  It’s the best thing for a hot dog.

Answer will be in a couple of panels…and I will tell you that’s it’s more than you think it is.

Are you ready for the answer? 

Think you got it right? 

I got it wrong? 

I was short by 4. 

Want to change your answer? 

You sure?

Okay, here it goes.

Last chance.

No more chances after this.

I’m going to tell you right now.

This is it.

44.

I know, right!

Okay, be honest, who got it right?

“Read you a night time story?  Well, okay.  Once upon a time, there was a young dragon…”

Tried to throw a slightly neglected baby doll into the toy basket and my three year old shrieked, “THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!!”  I had no idea.

Neighbor:  Hi buddy, how you doing this morning? 

My 3 year-old:  Good.  My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket.  We gave him a weighted blanket.

I guess some people start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do 14 things at once like a squirrel on cocaine.

I honestly don’t remember what I captioned this one.  I’m SURE it had something to do with her mask or her armor and nothing at all to do with her clevege.  

I know that when I die, one of my Grandkids will lean over my coffin and whisper, “Can I play a game on your phone?”

It takes a special person to wake up early and still be late.

I’m lazy, chubby, and cynical.  I love food, naps, and coffee.  I hate Mondays, people, and exercise.  I never thought I’d grow up to be Garfield.

There is not one person walking this earth that is worth you laying up at night feeling that you are not good enough. 

You are so much more than good enough and it’s about time that you understand that!

I was today years old when I learned that it’s …

HARD AS HAIL,

not

HARD AS HELL…

I want to thank Aussie Pete for the great GIFs that he sends me!

True friends don’t get offended when you insult them.  They laugh and insult you with something even better.

Well, that’s the way guys work, anyway.

They say it takes a village, I also believe it takes a distillery.

It’s not always the tears that measure the pain.  Sometimes it’s the smile we fake.

It’s better to grow old with a sense of humor than to grow old with no sense at all.

Body:  So tired. 

Anxiety:  We have so much to do. 

Depression:  Let’s just sleep forever.

Insomnia:  LOL!  Good luck with that! 

Pain:  [kicks in the door] ‘Sup guys!

He said there was no spark between us anymore.

So I tasered him!!!

(I’ll ask him again when he wakes up)

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!  So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

I listen to all the voices in my head… except for the one named Reason.  He makes NO sense to me.

Sometimes, not saying anything is the best answer.  You see, silence can never be misquoted.  

I’m not normal.

I don’t want to be.
I don’t pretend to be.

I am me.

Okay dude.  You are smoking stuff that is WAY TOO STRONG!

Finally my winter fat is gone, now I have spring rolls.

Margie:  We can’t curse around the kids anymore.  

John:  What should I say instead of Bull- 

Margie:  Shhh!  Say snake instead. 

John:  [whispering] This is snakeshit…

And that’s it my friends.  Caught up and finished up and set up and ready to go for Thursday.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

So, you are reading this on Monday and even though I’m writing this on Friday, the weekend is indeed over, because I am working all weekend long anyway, so IT IS OVER!!!! 

Sigh!

So, to make up for that, we gotta laugh!

We gotta laugh hard!

We gotta belly laugh!

We gotta laugh till we cry!

We gotta … oh the heck with it …

That is such an apt description I just had to laugh!

Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Not all of them!  Some of them are almost 60% / 40%!

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen. “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me where is this man now?”

“Flat on his butt over by the holy water,” said the boy.

That thing is incredible!!!

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:

“We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. 

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. 

“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.” 

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?” 

“Where are you Wizard?  I know you’re here somewhere, I can smell the Girl Scout Cookies on your breath!  I know you and your friends stole them from my horde and for that YOU WILL DIE!!”

This one is from Stephanie… and I agree with her.

I thought they were funny~~~

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

I’ve often feared that’s the way Mary was going to fix my snoring problem.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Dating when you’re older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.

“Mirror, mirror in my home, get me Impish Dragon on the phone!”

This “story” is from Leah D…

Years ago, even the news carried the warning about how germy women’s purses are. They pointed out how often women go to the restroom, with no place to sit or hang it, the purse is set on the bathroom floor.

I desperately needed to pee! I had a long way to cover from where I was in the store, to where the restroom was. But I took that extra second to set my purse in the bathroom sink, before I made it to the toilet seat just in time . . . to realize the faucets were automatic, and now my purse was filled with water!

Yes, it is my true story.

The future the grandkids may ask about the global crisis of 2020 and how the world was tragically out of toilet paper…..

I plan to tell them that we had to drag our butts across the grass, up hill both ways in the snow.

Cop:  Why is there a crocodile buckled in your passenger seat!? 

Me:  [offended] Steve isn’t a crocodile!  He’s my Navi-Gator!  I’d be lost without him!

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.  The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.  Then he said, “We have reached your destination.” 

The first guy gave him money and got out. 

The second guy said, “Thank you.” and he got out. 

The third guy slapped the driver. 

The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did.  But, he asked anyway, “What was that for?” 

The third guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

When I got sent to  jail, I was held down over a table and taken hard right up the arse for at least an hour.  And I thought to myself, Uncle Bryan takes Monopoly far too seriously…

Sometimes you just gotta steal a traffic cone at 3 am and move on…

Pay attention:

and the truth is that ALL veterans pay with their lives.
Some pay all at once, while others pay over a lifetime.
               ~ JmStorm

“Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars.  Now wars are manufactured to sell weapons.”

~ Arundhati Roy

And you have no idea how much this next one pisses me (and other veterans) off!!!

Dumb Ass!

Lying Dumb Ass!

Thieving Dumb Ass!

Yikes!

I’ve been stabbed in the back by those I needed the most.  I’ve been lied to by those I  love.  And I have felt alone when I couldn’t afford to be.  But at the end of the day I had to learn to be my own best friend because there’s going to be days where no one is going to be there for me but myself!

Or it could be a movie prop…

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit and he would get a better price for it. 

He saw him a few days later and asked how he’d got on.  Paddy said when he finished winding it back it only had 7,000 on the clock so he decided to keep it!

Oh come on!!!  It’s a cheese cake!

Doctor:  Alright, I have your diagnosis…

Patient:  Make it quick Doc, I don’t have all day.

Doctor:  So, who told you?

What a fantastic picture!!!!

This is awesome!!!

Went swimming today and I took a pee in the deep end. 

The Lifeguard noticed that and he blew his freaking whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart, and I’d like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

And that’s it my friends.  Have a great week.  Until Thursday then.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.