Well, today (the day I’m writing this, not the day you’re reading this) is Thursday.  So, I’m in court! 

NOT!

My court case got canceled! 

I never even got a chance to be turned down for Jury duty.  They called me the day before yesterday and cancelled my case.  So, either someone made a plea deal or someone got in MORE trouble or filed a continuance or something to that effect.  But, regardless, The Dragon Has Left The Courthouse!  Actually, the dragon never entered the courthouse, but … well … you get the idea. 

But I still took the day off work.  Just not for Court Duty.  I had to take my own leave instead of Administrative Leave.  AND I missed out on that juicy $1.57 mileage check.  Really bummed about that.  I had big plans for that money.

So, in order to get me out of my depressive state, we just HAVE to have some laughter, right?  So…

Here is a Classic old sign…

Here’s a very strange article sent in by our own Stephen B…

Brain-eating cannibal back in public life after 10 years in psychiatric hospital

Tyree Smith, from Bridgeport, Connecticut, killed a homeless man and then ate his brain and eyeballs. Ten years after being committed to a state psychiatric hospital for 60, he has been released.

A man who killed and ate a man has been released back into public life 

A man who killed and ate a man has been released back into public life after ten years.

Tyree Smith, from Bridgeport, Connecticut, killed a homeless man and then ate his brain and eyeballs according to officials.

The horrific case made headline news, with Smith found not guilty of murder by reason of insanity after a July 2013 trial.

In lieu of a stint behind bars, Smith was ordered committed to a state psychiatric hospital for 60 years.

But now, ten years after the grim incident, the state Psychiatric Security Review Board said Smith was ready to be transitioned back into the community.

Smith has been released from the facility, Connecticut’s most secure, as of writing.

He will be living in a Waterbury group home, and is not allowed to associate with anyone involved in criminal activity.

The board stated in its report: “Tyree Smith is an individual with a psychiatric illness requiring care, custody and treatment. “Since his last hearing Tyree Smith has continued to demonstrate clinical stability.  Mr. Smith is medication compliant, actively engaged in all recommended forms of treatment, and has been symptom-free for many years.”

Angel Gonzalez’ mutilated body was found in the vacant apartment where Smith once lived.

During the trial, Smith’s cousin Nicole Rabb claimed he arrived at her Connecticut home in December 2011, talking about Greek gods and ruminating about needing to go out and get blood.  When she saw him the next evening she noticed what appeared to be specks of blood on his pants and that he was carrying chopsticks and a bloody ax.  Smith then allegedly told Rabb he killed a man and ate his brains in the Lakeview Cemetery while drinking sake, and grimly warned he intended to eat more people.

A month later, police found Angel Gonzalez’s mutilated body in the vacant apartment on Brooks Street in Bridgeport where Smith had lived as a child.

Police later recovered the bloody ax and an empty bottle of sake in a stream bed near the Boston Avenue cemetery.

Smith will be living in a Waterbury group home, and is not allowed to associate with criminals 

The defense’s case rested on the testimony of Yale University psychiatrist Dr. Reena Kapoor, who testified that Smith had kept his lust for human flesh after his arrest, even offering to eat her.

Kapoor claimed Smith suffered from psychotic incidents since childhood and heard voices that told him to kill people.  She then said the voices ordered Smith to eat the victim’s brain so they would get a better understanding of human behavior and the eyes so that they could see into the “spirit realm.”

Kapoor added that Smith went to Subway after eating the man’s body parts.

The report on Smith’s release said: “He denied experiencing cravings but stated that if they were to arise, he would reach out to his hospital and community supports and providers.”

(Oh, I am so sure he will.)

Yup, I agree with you, Stephen.  I’m sure he will definitely reach out…to someone.

And this one was sent in by Lynn…

Next, we have several pictures of people who have “discovered” themselves in Art Museums.  That must have truly been a freaky experience!

One day while stitching a cut on the hand of an old Iowa farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Joe Biden and his upcoming role as the likely Democratic nominee for re-election as president.

The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, Joe Biden is like a damn ‘post tortoise’.”

Being from the city and not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, “What is a post tortoise?”

The old farmer said, “You know. When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.”

The old farmer saw the very puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued, “It’s quite simple. You know that he didn’t get up there by himself, that he doesn’t really belong up there, that he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, that he is elevated far beyond his ability to function, and that you just have to ask yourself what kind of dumb ass morons put him way up there in the first place?”

Let’s finish up the surprise art…

One of my favorite pictures.  Relaxed, on the soft forest floor, cool summer day…It’s a good picture.

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late.

One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck.

His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

He replied, “Well, after I left work today, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks.

We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess. Things just kept happening, as you can well see.

I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home.”

She screamed, “You liar! You were in the lab again, weren’t you?”

Now THAT, is pretty darn bad…

Wow!  Is that how you guys feel after Monday waiting on Thursday to get here?

A really drunk man was walking along the street one day. 

He was staggering quite a bit, and made two nuns that were approaching him very nervous. 

The two nuns split apart – one walked to the man’s left and one walked to the man’s right. 

After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, “Now how in the heck did she do that”? 

So, Sasquatch sent me a part of a video that I couldn’t use.  But it was one of those WOW videos, so I searched and found the original.  Now, according to what Sasquatch sent me, it was called “The most important video you’ll watch all year!” and the one I found was the WHOLE video.  Much longer and complete.  So, here it is on YouTube where you can watch it.  It starts off a little slow, but stick with it.  It really jumps into it at the six minute mark.

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. 

After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. 

“Fine,” said the pleased mother. “If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you.” 

“Oh, I didn’t ask Him to help me not misbehave,” said Johnny. “I asked Him to help you put up with me.” 

Whatever works

The new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday School. The teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new Pastor, “let’s see what you’re learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback the Pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls  of Jericho?”

Teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, Billy’s a good boy. If he says  he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related the story to him.

The Director looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new Pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, “Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that.”

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought.

~ Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi (Hungarian Biochemist 1893-1986)

The man who gives in when he is wrong … is wise;

The man who gives in when he is right … is married.

Reminds me of another old and wise saying:  There are only two times you never argue with your wife.  When you are right and when you are wrong.  And if you ARE arguing with your wife and you ARE right, apologize immediately!

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff for a medical degree?” the young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor replied before continuing the lecture.

In a few minutes, the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time.

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. 

“Hey there’s some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?” 

“Don’t tell anyone,” replied the Englishmen, “but we poached them out of the river.” 

“How did you do that?” asked Donal 

“Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them.” 

“We’ll try that Michael me boy.” says Donal 

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams… 

“Quick pull me up, pull me up!” 

“Have you got a salmon?” asks Donal, 

“No,” replies Michael “but there’s a train coming.” 

That is SUCH a cool picture.

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbors doing the same, and said, “I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?”

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I exclaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?”

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.”

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious.  “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planning to do for your 25th anniversary?”

“Go back and get her.”

Don’t you just feel all warm and fuzzy all over now?  

Nah, me neither.

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

1. It’s more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you’re going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.  The government is very good at this one.  I use this one every day at work.

7. It doesn’t matter who started it.  Again, this one matters quite a bit at work.  You must make sure that, where it matters, you have evidence that points to someone else starting it.  Unless it’s something good, then you have to have evidence of you starting it (preferably in someone else’s hands, so you can also look humble)

8. Ask for sweets.

9. If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. And also claim that’s what you were drawing all along.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.  I’ve found that’s pretty much ALL the time.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
     That is also my rule for governmental budgeting.  I ALWAYS ask for twice what I want.  And invariably get half what I need.  I told that to my boss (the big boss, not my immediate supervisor) once.  And she got upset with me.  But, then saw that my section was the only one that was fully funded for that fiscal year when every other one wasn’t.  I, very imaginatively justify the doubled amount, even though it is all made up nonsense and then when about half of it is denied, like it normally is, I’m right where I wanted to be.  When everyone else gets their legitimate budgets cut in half, they are lost trying to scramble around and make it work out.  On those RARE occasions when I actually DO get what I ask for, I look like an incredible HERO at the end of the year, when I turn back like half of my annual budget because I managed to SAVE the American taxpayer some money.  It’s all just numbers on a column anyway.  But, why cause yourself so much stress? 

Well, isn’t that something to be so proud of.

Yup, I agree.  Like I said once before.  I can’t be a vegetarian.  I eat things that eat vegetables.

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. 

The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down. 

The woman chose the bra. 

The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar. 

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs. 

“I see we have the same doctor,” he said. 

Hmmm, how many youngsters aren’t going to get that one? And just because I like to, let’s go back 58 1/2 years, all the way back to April of 1965 with this one…

One of my favorite parts of the show!  Going back in time and showing the youngsters the stuff we used to listen to when we were their age.

It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.

I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back.

Then the bus driver took over.

“Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen,” he shouted.  “Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?”

You know, it cracks me up.  I’ve been getting SO many emails lately with so many obvious scams.  
“Please open your invoice”
“Your UPS package”
“Thank you for renewing your subscription…just click here…”
Over and over and over again.  Sometimes three and four times a day.  And all you have to do is click the link or open the pdf and you’re infected with their virus.  And I guess people must be doing it, or they wouldn’t keep trying it.  So, folks, I’m sure most of you are way too smart to worry about this, but in case you have family or friends who aren’t, please let them know, unless you are 100% sure that the invoice or subscription or whatever is DEFINITELY something you ordered, don’t click on any link or open any attachment sent to you by someone you don’t know.  And even if it is someone you know, double check the email address they are sending it from if it sounds like something they wouldn’t send to you.
That’s my Impish Dragon Public Service Announcement for the day!

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.

“My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure,” she lamented to the  woman next to her.

“Well,” the lady replied, “what’s wrong with that? You’ll feel better, too.”

“You don’t understand. He likes to do it while I’m stuck at these damn meetings.”

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” 

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.” 

“Thanks,” said Johnny. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.” 

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He has not been running long when an old friend stopped him. “Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. 

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!” 

“So what’s your hurry?” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.” 

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. “You’re looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?” 

“Yes,” replies Tammy, “but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

He gave me a choice of two wishes.” 

“Wow,” says Wendy, “so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?” 

“He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory  or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis.” 

“So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?” 

“I can’t remember,” replies Tammy. 

Can you imagine if you were a kid and every week your carrots came in a bag marked potatoes?  It’s the only bag the grocery store had.  Everyone knows that they are carrots because you can see through the bag, so they don’t worry about it.  And you grow up thinking that you pronounce the word carrot, and it is spelled p o t a t o e s.  And then you go to school and find out how silly you are and go home and beat your parents with a carrot stick.

This one is from Joe from NJ and these are some really cool pictures

I guess a little truth in advertising is a good thing…but I don’t think that it’s a surprise to anyone who lives in the area. 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you guys enjoyed the episode as much as I did.  May your day be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet here again.  And remember…

What day is today?

Today is Thursday!

The day that this dragon has been called in for Jury duty!  So, I won’t know until after you guys read this whether or not I’ve been selected as a juror, but we’ll see.  I almost hope that I am since I’ve never done it before.  But, we shall see…and then I’ll share with you guys.

But, I’m writing this from the perspective of Sunday, after starting the day with a GREAT sermon from Pastor at church this morning, then doing my normal Sunday chores.  Sunday is about the only day that I have specific chores for a specific day.  

That’s weird, right?

Well, Monday is trash day, so Sunday is trash collection day.  Go through the house, empty all the waste baskets and the main trash can in the kitchen, check for any boxes that might need broken down or anything in the fridge that might need thrown out, that sort of thing.  On a bad Sunday, takes 15 minutes to do with trading out of trash liners.  Today, it was about 5 minutes.  

The other “have to” chore on Sunday is setting up next week’s medicine.  That can often be somewhat of a chore.  ‘Nuff said about that.  In fact, ’nuff said about a lot of stuff.  So, everyone grab your gear, head for the next stop on your journey and I’ll see you on the other side…

This is now the debate de jour.  Which side is bigger or which way do you prefer your toast cut or some other silly thing that has to do with the way it is cut.  Does it really make any possible difference to anyone?  And why do these things go around the internet sometimes?  

My three-year old daughter was talking to me while I shaved. The topic was cartoons, television and reality. She was going into great detail about the characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon. 

When she finished I said, “Honey, are cartoons real?” 

“No.” was her brief reply. 

“Is TV real?” I said looking at her. 

“No.” 

“I’m glad you know those things aren’t real,” I said patting her head. 

“You know what’s real?” she asked wide-eyed. 

“You tell me.” 

“Monsters are real!” she said walking out. 

“No they’re not!” I called after her. 

“Yes they are!” 

“No they’re not!” 

“Yes they are!” 

“No, honey,” I said. “Those scary things that occasionally come into our house is only Mommy’s family…” 

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE!

1. If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

6. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

8. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

9. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

11. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
    A. Because no one wants to quit.

12. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

13. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks  the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

 Well, the plan went off without a  hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife ……………………….

 “Yes” he replied.

“Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

“He’s…he’s right behind me, isn’t he?”

Well, I’d say that qualifies as a “how in the world did that happen?”

That’s a great line!

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man  as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time. 

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip. 

“I don’t think I’m ever going to do that again!” says the first guy. “Since we’ve been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night long. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!” 

“I hear ya, buddy,” the second guy replies. “My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we’ve been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light, hit me hard’. I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!” 

“You guys think you have it bad!” exclaims the third guy. “My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!” 

Joe from NJ sent this email to me concerning one of the items from an earlier issues…

How many caught the typo?

_________________

Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just on strong fart away from complete paralysis.

So…did you catch it?

At the Fairy Picnic

I hate when I go out in public and the public is there.

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and turn it over, then find out it was made in China.

Weight Loss Goals:  To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

This picture goes way back…mom looks really good in this picture.

Fact Of The Day:

The Largest Flying Bird

Say hello to the Andean Condor, the largest flying bird on Earth.  Found in the Andes Mountains of Peru, the condor weighs in at approximately 27 pounds, stands 48 inches tall, and has an amazing wingspan of 14 feet.

I golfed with a hilarious 78 year old man, and he was dishing out life tips the whole time.  The most couldn’t care less guy I’ve ever met. 

He tells me after the round, “Don’t talk to me in the parking lot, my wife is picking me up and she thinks I went deaf five years ago.”

What a legend.

You know you’re getting old when you run into your friends at the pharmacy instead of the night club.

Stephanie, who sent the above meme to me, both agreed that they do indeed marry each other…since both of us were proof.

If I ordered an axe from overseas and had it shipped, I would have a foreign axe sent.

The Wizard of Oz is 84 years old!  If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, heart, or courage, she wouldn’t be in Oz.  She’d be in D.C.

Yup…I agree.  In fact, that might be the stupidest thing I’ll read all week.

We should be able to call in healthy.  “Look, I’m not coming into the office today.  I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.”

I keep telling myself to stop talking to weirdos, but then I would not have any friends left.

It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the liquor store!

That is one old ticket!!

Count Dracula was 412 when he moved to England in search of new blood.

Sauron was 54,000 years old when he forged The One Ring.

Cthulhu had seen galaxies flare into life and fade to darkness before he put madness in the minds of men.

It’s never too late to follow your dreams!

Just imagine coming home late and getting into bed with your girlfriend.  You tell her a funny story and the guy under the bed starts laughing, too.

Fact Of The Day:

Rent A Pineapple

Once upon a time, 18th century England to be exact, pineapples were rented for the night.  They were such a status symbol that people would rent one and take it with them to a party or gathering.

The riddle:  These 7 words all have something in common.  See if you can figure out what it is! 
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

The Answer:  In all the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

My favorite character in the Wizard of Oz is the Scarecrow.  I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer.

Me either…truly.  Except these…that’s it my friends.  May your days be Blessed by God above until we meet here again.  Love and Happiness be showed down upon you all.

It’s Saturday morning and I just read what I wrote for the opening to Saturday’s issue.  Boy, I was in a bad way.  That was terrible writing!  I wrote it towards the beginning of the week.

Oh, and it was withdrawal I was going through.  My doctor and I worked it out.  Many people don’t realize that you can have withdrawal effects from many different kinds of medication.  And I had been on this medication for many years and coming off of it and going on a different medication caused me some serious side effects.

Many years ago I was on a regimen of opioids and morphine pills for pain that was, shall we say, quite extensive.  Then the whole “opioid crisis” started up and I had to go to a “Pain Clinic” to see a special “Pain Doctor” and, well, long story short, they were so annoying, and so expensive at a time when I really couldn’t afford it.  Plus, I truly believe that someone in their lab knew I worked for the government and switched my urine with someone else’s urine (oh yeah, monthly urine tests like you were probationary criminals, just to get the medications you used to get at the pharmacy every month) because they knew that I couldn’t have anything in my urine because it would cost me my job.  I did say long story short, right?  I got tired of their nonsense, quit all the opioids and morphine and everything, cold turkey and had no withdrawal symptoms at all.  

I had pain.

Boy did I have pain.  But, it’s just pain.  I learned to deal with it.

The point of this story, that seems to have gotten off track, is that I was extraordinarily surprised that stopping this medication and going on another similar one really, REALLY knocked me around this week.  And that has NEVER happened to me before.  It was a new experience; and not a pleasant one.

The other thing that needs to be said, thanks to you guys for listening and …

LOL!  I’ve actually had that experience in Germany.  After that I never made it to the far left lane on the autobahn unless I was all alone on the road…which was a rare, RARE thing. 

So Friggin’ Pete writes to us and says:

For the life of me I can’t understand if you know me well enough to invite me to your Halloween party……why don’t you know me well enough to not ask me to bring cookies……

So, I was looking at something else and got drug down this rabbit-hole on my favorite weapons platform, the A-10 Thunderbolt II.  I looked at one, and then got sucked down into about an hour or more of A-10 stuff.  I loved loading that bombs on the bird…even though it gave me stitches in my head about 5 times.  That darn UHF antenna!!  Anyway, this is one of the better videos that I found and I hope you enjoy!

Oh, and don’t let the title fool you.  They don’t talk at all about any secret plans to send them to Ukraine, it is just mentioned as a good idea and the implied super upgrade, is just the the normal modification to the A-10C model.  But still a VERY COOL video.

That is so true.

I’m really going to have to try this.

And our good buddy and fellow camper Stephen B sends this…

So you got this one…

But did you know this one?

If Delaware wore her New Jersey, what would Ohio wear?

I dunno, but Alaska.

I didn’t know either one of them…but I do, now.  It’s getting a little wordy in here.

My own personal favorite is Wendy’s Baconator!

And Stephen B. also sent another interesting fact, based on another cartoon that was used…

Are you aware…

…that Timmy never fell in the well in the TV series? 

“Jon Provost, who played the role, titled his 2007 memoir Timmy’s in the Well—but in the book, he points out what might seem unbelievable to us now: Timmy never once, in the show’s 571 episodes, fell in a well!”

We had a nice little conversation back and forth by email and we also determined that, believe it or not, Sherlock Holmes never said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”  Thanks Steven, you’re are a font of quite interesting information.

Some of the best times I’ve had are spent alone, in the sky, with my thoughts…

Yeah…try talking about the 70s

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

Yeah, heaven forbid.

A tight dress is like a barbed fence.

It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

Okay, we all saw that coming.

Another one of our vacation homes.

These are taken from  resumes and cover letters and were apparently printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

RULES FOR DOGS 

VISITORS: 
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. 

BARKING: 
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark… Yeah, this is the one that I like best.

LICKING: 
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. 

HOLES: 
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. 

DOORS: 
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. 

THE ART OF SNIFFING: 
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. 

DINING ETIQUETTE: 
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing. 

HOUSEBREAKING: 
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. 

GOING FOR WALKS: 
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. 

COUCHES: 
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. 

PLAYING: 
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. 

CHASING CATS: 
When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite—catch them. It spoils all the fun. 

CHEWING: 
Make a contribution to the fashion industry….Eat a shoe. 

A saleswoman is driving through an Indian reservation toward home when she sees an Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.

As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.

“What’s in the bag?” asks the Indian woman.

“It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband,” says the saleswoman.

The Indian lady is silent for a moment then says, “Good trade”.

I can verify the veracity of that statement…as, I’m sure, can many of you.

Joe and Dick went out drinking one night and didn’t get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Dick asks, “Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”

Joe replies, “No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.”

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a  broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

Real Science Papers Written by Kids

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit.  If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.  But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Not sure if that one … and some of the upcoming ones … are really that “political” but since I’m running a bit low in my political category, we’ll take what we can get and laugh just the same.  Right?

LOL!  Okay, there is a bit of a difference here.  Nobody wants a drug addict with a gun.  Especially not the legitimate gun owners.

Well, writing this from the perspective of the day before any prospective shut down, I don’t believe enough of them are concerned about it.  And that’s the biggest problem that should be addressed.  If you and I waited until the last possible moment to address our own personal budgets or allowed our households to run at an enormous deficit, it would be wrong on so many different levels.  These men and women are NOT doing the jobs they were hired to do.  This is all part of their job description.  This should have been hammered out, worked out and completed PRIOR TO the end of the fiscal year.  But one party will ALWAYS play games with the other party and we do this stupid dance every single time.  We hired these folks to take care of this country.  AND THEY ARE NOT DOING IT.  There is an invasion going on at the southern border.  They want to sent another huge bunch of money to Ukraine when we have a $33 trillion deficit in our country.  It’s a wonderful thing to help out the needy.  A Godly Blessed thing.  But we have needy right here at home.  That’s all I’m saying.  They are not doing the job we hired them to do.  It’s time to fire the ones who aren’t doing the job and replace them with ones who are.  I know that sounds awfully simplistic and probably a bit naïve, but folks, it’s got to start somewhere.  

They didn’t even do that.  They said they’d use if for whatever they wanted to.  Then they said they’d use it for the people, because they realized that, in turn, would free up other money to use on their nuclear program.

ROFLMAO!  Yup, that’s the way it works.

RULES FOR DOGS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you can’t manage that in time, get to an oriental rug (or any good rug will do).
2. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
   
   
3. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs, and hammer with your forepaws.
   
   
4. When supervising cooking, stand behind the left foot of the cook, where you will be stepped on, picked up, and consoled with food.
   
   
5. When a door is opened, use it. When you’ve ordered an outside door opened, it is important to stand halfway out and think about several things. It is especially important during cold weather, rain, snow, or the mosquito season.
   
   
6. Begin people training early. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.

“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”

“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Real Signs and advertisements… 

Signs In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16  and 17 necks.” 

In the window of an Oregon general store: “Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?” 

In a Pennsylvania cemetary: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.” 

On a Tennessee highway: “Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.” 

From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:”If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.” 

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.” 

On a delicatessen wall: “Our best is none too good.” 

RULES FOR THE BOSS (does this remind you of someone?)

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:45  and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
   
   
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
   
   
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
   
   
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my  limbs.
   
   
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
   
   
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
   
   
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
   
   
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
   
   
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.
   
   
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
    
    
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
    
    
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
    
    
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating  with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway!

A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b.” “I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner.

  “I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.

  “O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” Said the owner.

  So the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.”

  The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”

  “W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor’s waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, “Don’t worry, man, it’s nothing.

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, “I’m sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I’m afraid you’ll have to be castrated.”

Turning white, the young man gasped, “But the first guy… He said it was no big deal!”

“Well, you know,” said the doctor, “there’s a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

Interesting facts about Leonardo da Vinci

Born out of wedlock to a notary from Vinci, Leonardo’s origin was swiftly quieted by his grandfather as his father sired him with a peasant woman named Caterina.
His deep attachment to his mother, whose absence he keenly felt, found expression in his artistic creations. His encounter with her is rumored to have occurred solely at her deathbed.
In spite of Leonardo’s exceptional talent and the tutelage of Verrocchio, he was unlettered in Greek and Latin – a consequence of his illegitimate status barring him from a traditional humanist education. He candidly referred to himself as ‘omo senza lettera’, or a man without letters.
His stay in Florence was marred by an accusation of sodomy, a disgrace he barely escaped by avoiding the gallows, but could never entirely distance himself from.
Leonardo’s lack of formal education didn’t endear him to Lorenzo the Magnificent in the sophisticated Medici circles, leading him to venture elsewhere for fortune.
Endowed with a range of skills, Leonardo was not just a painter, but also a scientist, architect, engineer, and even a musician. He found himself orchestrating shows and banquets at the ducal court. However, in spite of his numerous roles for the Duke, his financial condition was often strained, and he was frequently left pleading for alms from the Moor, likely Ludovico Sforza, the Duke of Milan.
A relentless perfectionist, he was known to juggle myriad tasks concurrently, often frustrating his patrons with his constant procrastination.
Leonardo’s thirst for knowledge was insatiable. A self-taught observer, he would spend his mornings studying the countenances of passersby, recording them in his notebook, later employing them as models for the apostles in The Last Supper.
His observations were not limited to humans; they extended to the careful study of animal and plant species. His renowned painting, the Virgin of the Rocks, is said to depict hundreds of different plants from his studies. His writings, completed in distinctive ‘mirror writing’, from right to left, could only be deciphered with a mirror.
His demanding nature and complex character led to the majority of his disciples abandoning him, with some tragically resorting to suicide.
As legend has it, he frequented graveyards at night to dissect bodies for studying human anatomy, an act that led to accusations of witchcraft.
Leonardo’s lifelong dream, bordering on obsession, was to enable human flight. His radical ideas were dismissed as madness, leaving his ambitions unrealized. He was a visionary ahead of his time, a misunderstood genius.
In his final days, he was in foreign lands, in a state resembling exile, accompanied by a few loyal followers, but largely forgotten. While Raphael’s fame soared in Rome, Leonardo’s memory faded.
Today, he is a subject of fascination, his life and works extensively speculated upon by authors like Dan Brown in the popular novel, The Da Vinci Code, exploring a purported hidden truth about the Holy Grail and Leonardo’s The Last Supper.

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

“This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.

The men on this floor are almost well.”

We spend so much effort sometimes, going over the things that are bad and disturbing in life, even most of my asides in Dragon Laffs lately have been more rants than praises lately.  It’s been so hard to find good news to talk about.  Well, our brother and fellow camper, Sasquatch sent an email called Positive Pictures of Humanity and although I know I’ve run it before and although I know it’s not the most recent of things, it’s still a wonderful thing to review and to exhort.  So, please enjoy these with me…                                                                   

March 2019

July 2014

February 2017

August 2016

1969

April 2016, September 2019, July 2022, and too many others to list

September 2017

November 2021

May 2000

November 2018

June 2015

And I went on line and tracked each one of these down and put the dates in and read some of the articles that go along with the pictures.  I was disappointed to find out that one of them that was sent to me was faked.  This one…. 

The picture was photoshopped as an April Fools joke and the someone else took it and added the words to it later.  It just goes to show you.  Well my friends, that’s it for now.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.

So, I think I’m going through a really bad bout of depression.  I’m not sure.  I know that sounds strange.  Not the depression part, but the I’m not sure part.  It’s weird.  I’m getting emotional at weird times and over weird things.  So…
The doctor on Friday took me off one medication and put me on a different one and I think I might have a slight case of withdrawal going on.  Which has NEVER happened to me before, so I’m not really sure.  Light headed, lethargic, fuzzy, really tired, but that could also be the depression hitting me hard.

So, I’m not sure why I started today out talking about this, except maybe that it’s on my mind.  And you guys are the ones that I talk to about this stuff.  It’s kind of like having my own personal group counseling session without the … you know … whole session thing.  And I get to talk and no one else does, at least not right away.

Anyway, enough about that.  Let’s move on to much more enjoyable things.  Like laughter.  I especially could use some of that today.  Thank you all for all that you do to bring light and laughter into my life.  That allows me to share it with you and it makes ALL of us have a brighter day.

Our neighbor used the word hypochondriac to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though.

One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis.

Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right.

“So that’s why it hurts so much,” her daughter said. “My appendix is on the wrong side.”

Friggin’ Pete wanted us to know, in a comment he writes…

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

“Professionally employed?” he asked.

“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.

“Children?”

“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.

“Animals?”

“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

“So, then when I was just a young dragon, I found it was just as easy to make people laugh as it was to burn down villages.  Sometimes it was even as much fun.  Hey, are you sure this is for your magazine story?”

Reality…

“EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES” 
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three “ones” come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in ancient times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern. 

“YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)” 
Well… that depends on what it is. If it’s your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, , they can probably put some of your things in your pockets. 

“YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY” 
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you’ve just learned it doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it. 

“THE SKY’S THE LIMIT” 
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit. 

“YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR” 
Clearly this is not true. Have you been on-line shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. Have you checked you telephone bill, or Visa account lately? 

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY” 
Not necessarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it happens, I’ll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again. 

“NICE GUYS FINISH LAST” 
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third. Actually, short guys finish last. 

“IF YOU’VE SEEN ONE, YOU’VE SEEN THEM ALL” 
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen one. If you’ve seen them all, only *then*you’ve seen them all. 

“EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE” 
Not so. Would you believe there are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a IRS mix-ups, and E-Bay, many people have someone else’s price. 

I bet there are a bunch of people who are not going to get that one.

At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron goes up to Mrs. O’Malley and says, “My dear girl, what is the secret of your bean soup?”

Mrs. O’Malley says, “The secret to me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it.”

The woman says, “How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?”

“Because one more would make it too farty!”

So, Lynn wrote…
Well, I’m at the emergency room . This day has kinda taken a turn for the worst. I got the chance to go horseback riding, something I haven’t done in a while. BIG mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn’t stop him, he must have gotten spooked or something. He was out of control, so I decided to try to jump off the horse, and instead, I fell off, but as I was falling, my foot got caught in the stirrup , so the horse was dragging me. And he wouldn’t stop. Every time I screamed at him to stop, the horse went faster. Thank goodness the manager at Family Dollar came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters so I wouldn’t attempt to ride it again.

And I’ll be honest, at first I thought she was being honest.  Just at very first.  LOL.

And this one is here simply because it is a cool picture.

Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just on strong fart away from complete paralysis.

America has been at war 222 out of 239 years since 1776.  Let that sink in for a moment…

I believe in safety in numbers:

.22, .40, .45, 9mm, 30-06, .223

Married men should forget their mistakes; there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

When one door closes, sometimes you wanna get a hammer and nails and make sure that son-of-a-gun STAYS SHUT!

Thunderstorm woke me up and my first thought was to brew coffee in case the power went out.  I’m sure folks here can relate.

Sucks how almost every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

I’m always here if ever you should need moron support.

It’s like moral support only stupid.

The trouble with ignorance is it picks up confidence as it goes along.

If I had a time machine I’d probably just keep going back to bed.

Fact Of The Day:

Who Is Shigetaka Kurita?

Who is Shigetaka Kurita and why do you already know who he is (even if you think you don’t)?  Kurita holds the distinction of being the person who created the very first emoji! While working in Japan in 1999, he designed the 175 pixel emoji that would eventually start a world-wide craze.

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called…

“T.  Hanks – For the Memories”

Tradition:

(n) Peer pressure from dead people.

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

You only need to remember two things when you’re on my page.

1.  They’re just jokes.

2.  I don’t give a crap about your feelings.

And that’s another one in the books my friends.  That’s it and I have to wrap it up for the day.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again

I just finished up Monday’s issue and I thought I really ought to get a start on Thursday since I just have a feeling that this week is going to be a busy one.  I don’t know why, but I just do.  So, I don’t really have anything to say and I am REALLY tired of sitting behind this keyboard, so I’m going to just get it going and then maybe come back to it before I have to go and pick Izzy up from work, how does that sound?

There are people out there training for marathons…

And here I am, on the couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It’s the least I could do for him.

Man, how many youngsters would have no clue and would be calling that number…would that not be an AWESOME number to have!!!!

Someone is NOT following the rules.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook…???

At a second hand store!

 

I just deleted a very good friend for posting “Jobs should higher you weather you have a fella knee or mister meaner“

My co-worker said to me today:  You shouldn’t eat red meat! 

I said:  My grandfather lived to be 100 years old.  

He said:  Did he eat red meat? 

I said:  No, he minded his own business.

Lawyer:  My client is trapped inside a penny 

Judge:  What? 

Lawyer:  He’s in a cent. 

Judge:  You’re going to jail with him

It’s all part of His plan.  Trust it all.

It’s all there.  Dig deep.  It’s just pain.

A patient inquiring about birth control was adamant she wanted an IED…(which we all know stands for Improvised Explosive Device)

Zoomer got Tik Tok

Millennials got MySpace

Gen X got AOL

Boomers got to buy a house and go to college while supporting themselves with a minimum wage job

Well, maybe not a minimum wage job, but … well…yeah.

My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten:  He doesn’t really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate.

This one is from Joe from NJ.  Nudist Camp Owner on the old TV Show “What’s My Line”  From a time that was so much simpler than now. 

Imagine the Olympics but instead of it being world class athletes it’s just random people who get selected. 
Like you get a letter informing you you’ve been selected for the national gymnastics team and you just have to do it.
It’d be so much more entertaining.

So, Friggin’ Pete writes and says: 

So, I found this new route to the store……I’m feelin a shopping frenzy comin on…..

Thinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained, “It’s pronounced Mariah Carey.” 

Disgusting

Stealth Jet

Sex after a certain age should be removed from the list of sins and placed in the list of miracles!

The most dangerous animal in the world…

Is a smiling woman sitting in silence.

You’re as smooth as taters and whiskey. Or whatever Chris Stapleton said.

What if Snow White was just pretending to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore?

I totally get that.

Have you ever met someone so stupid you felt bad for their dog?

Some people will watch you fall like a star and make a wish for their own well-being.

~ Shilpa Goel

My girlfriend pissed me off in my dream so when I woke up and told her about it she said, “it was probably something you started” and somehow I ended up apologizing.

Nothing starts my day off quite like when I give inspirational messages to my friends.  May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear not ride up your butt.

And that’s it.  A pretty bland issue as issues go, but fun, none-the-less.  I hope you enjoyed it just the same.  May God Bless you all until we meet again.