Lots of nice comments about the last issue and the Whelplings artwork.  Thanks very much.  This episode is going to be even quicker than the last one.  I’ve had a very…um…full week.  I finished up Thursday’s issue on Tuesday, then spent all day on Wednesday either at work or at the jail with my ministry, which is going really well.  Then on Thursday, I was at work and at Thursday night ministry at the church, which is also going really well.  And in the meantime, the spirit is causing me to write…pushing me to make points to, well, to be honest, to myself and to other people.  I got hit with the same theme like five times this week and then I read Matthew 7 in the middle of my normal bible study and had to stop in the middle of it to call up a blank page and start writing.  A little later on I’ll let you read it.  In the mean time, let’s get started laughing or you guys won’t have anything at all to read tomorrow morning.

“Dad, who built the Suez Canal?”

“I don’t know, son.”

“Dad, who discovered penicillin?”

“I’ve no idea, son.”

“Dad, what’s the capital of Italy?”

“I ain’t got a clue, son.”

“Dad, you don’t mind me asking all these questions do you?”

“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask, you won’t learn anything.”

First golfer:  “What was your score?”

Beginner: “Seventy-two.  It’s not too bad, I guess, but I hope I’ll do better on the second hole.”

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, “Doc, I’m really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture.

“The psychiatrist said, “Well I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?”

Doug said, “Her driver’s license.”

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted.  “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”

Marty Feldman  (1934-1982)

United Kingdom Law

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, enters a bakery.

He says to the baker, “I’ll have one roll.” The baker wraps the one roll and asks if there’s anything else he can get him.

“No, that’s it,” says the man, “just one roll.”

The baker says, “You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?”

The man says, “Yes, for just one roll.”

The baker asks, “Are you married?”

The man says, “Of course I am. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row… 

Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible. 

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end…

How many times do we have to see a crowd of defenseless people die before we realize being defenseless isn’t the answer?

TREASON

You don’t steal an election, give money and weapons to the Taliban, destroy your military, destroy the food supply, destroy energy and gas, disassemble your border and encourage an invasion of your own country and it NOT be a TREASONOUS act against your own country and people.

ONLY an IDIOT would cut off oil from an ALLY and buy it from an ENEMY who CALLS FOR YOUR DEATH at their morning Prayers.

HEAVEN has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.  HELL has open borders.  Let that sink in.

That is adorable!!!

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer.

The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack! So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

 Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says “Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk”!

MAN RULES

• Men are NOT mind readers. 
• Learn to work the toilet seat.
  • You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. 
  • We need it up, you need it down.
  • You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down
• Sunday sports:  
  • It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  • Let it be.
• Crying is blackmail
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 
  • Subtle hints do not work!
  • Strong hints do not work!
  • Obvious hints do not work! 
  • Just say it!
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  
  • That’s what we do.
  • Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
  • In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
• If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both..
  • If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials… 
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
  • Peach, is a fruit, not A color.  
  • Pumpkin is also a fruit.  
  • We have no idea what mauve is.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. 
  • We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really . 
• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
• You have enough clothes.  You have too many shoes.
• I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
• Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; 
  • But did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

I write down everything I want to remember.

That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.

10.Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

When Steph was about five she and I were headed to McDonald’s one day. 

On the way we passed a terrible car accident. 

Usually when we see something like that, we would say a prayer for those who might be hurt. 

So I pointed to the accident and said, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard her heartfelt prayer:  “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

See Stephanie, I remember, even all the way back to when we were little and growing up together!

Practice Safe Fax

Q.  Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.  Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q.  How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A.  Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q.  My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo’s to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q.  If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A.  Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their needs become too great.

Q.  Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A.  Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q.  What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A.  Don’t panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won’t mind if you try again.

Q.  I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A.  Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won’t transmit anything you’re not supposed to.

Q.  Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A.  No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q.  There is a man I’d very much like to fax (I’ve tried several times) but he can’t seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A.  You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.

The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.

“This looks great,” said the young doctor. “I just can’t figure out how you’re able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.”

“It’s just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,” replied the older medico. “For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.

My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic.”

“But that doesn’t explain this fine house and all this land,” said the younger man.

The elder doc replied, “That’s where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don’t look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them.”

He continued, “I’ll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that’s just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they’re looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working.”

“Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!”

Sir Laurie Blodgett, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his class: “And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions –“

At this point, however, a deferential French student rose in the back of the classroom and said, “Monsieur le Professeur, I am sorry to be forced to interrupt you, but there are, actually, seventy-seven distinct positions possible.”

Professor Blodgett regarded the French student with a frown. “My dear young man,” he said, “my statement reflects long and serious research in the field by many of the most highly respected authorities, men of age and experience. We are ignoring mirror images and trivial variations, of course”

“Of course, Monsieur le Professeur. But I too, speak with knowledge. The fact is that I, myself — I who am speaking to you at this moment — can personally, of my own experience, vouch for the existence of seventy-seven.”

“Well,” said Professor Blodgett, “in a dispute such as this there is an easy way of settling the matter. I will carefully describe the seventy-six distinct positions, and when I am done I will ask you to describe a seventy-seventh, different from all the rest. The remaining students in the class will, I trust, keep careful count and judge between us.”

“Begin, Monsieur,” said the Frenchman.

“I will,” said the professor. “We will start with the prime-basic, or common, position: woman horizontal-dorsal, man horizontal-ventral, parallel in line and direction through a vertical axis of symmetry –“

“Sacrebleu,” cried the Frenchman, “seventy-eight!”

So, and lest you thought I forgot, this is the perfect spot and time to copy the short essay that I wrote the other night through prompting of the Holy Spirit.  It is quite self-explanatory.  I hope you enjoy.

Andddddddd another example of the Whelpling’s artwork!  This is an earlier version of me.  I like it, too.  Not as much as the newer versions, but it’s still outstanding.  I still want to publicly thank him for his efforts so far, of which, I am incredibly proud.  I got some good feedback on the last one, how do you guys like THIS one?  Let me know.

Anyway, not a lot going on right now.  I’m keeping myself busy.  Depressed today and I don’t know why.  So, we push it off to the side, pull up our big girl panties, and move along.  

So, let’s get right to the fun stuff so that we’re all moving along in the direction that we all want to be moving in.

And staring at you the whole way.

This is actually based on a true case study.  It didn’t work out anywhere at ALL like this joke does, but there was a an experiment.  

How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures…

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

Here’s another oldie, but this is the first time I’ve seen an explanation to go along with it.

And we had one in our house when I was growing up.  In fact, it looked almost identical to that one.  I think it had a bubble like effect to the glass so that it was all bumpy.

Tag!  You’re it!

Joe and I were talking about knowledge we gained while in the military and he sent me this email…

Between the Navy, Air Force and a college course in Human Biology, I’ve learned a lot of medical stuff. For example, If you took all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and laid them end to end in a straight line…..

That man would die!

This one is a LOT of fun!

While my wife was shopping in the mall with our three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. 

“Do you think Daddy would like this?” she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. 

“No way,” my horrified six-year-old son replied. “Daddy would NEVER wear that!” 

Oh for me, that’s EASY…

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

12 things you need to understand

1. When you’re winning, keep your mouth shut
2. Never expect to get what you give, not everyone has a heart of flesh
3. Don’t tell people your plans, wait until the results speak for themselves
4. Every day you wake up you have a new job, to be better than yesterday
5. You will never get what you want until you are grateful for what you have
6. Sometimes what you are trying to hold on to is exactly what you should let go
7. If you want to buy things without looking at the price work without looking at the clock
8. God puts people in your life for a reason and removes them for a better reason
9. The devil wouldn’t be attacking you so hard if there wasn’t something valuable in you. Thieves don’t break into empty houses
10. You’re going to piss a lot of people off when you start doing what’s best for you
11. You will lose a lot of friends when you get really serious about your life goals
12. Life does not get easier you just get stronger

Q:  What medicine do you give to someone who keeps buying sailboats? 

A:  Antibuyyachtics!

By the end of Joe Biden’s single 4 year term 15% of America’s TOTAL population will be CRIMINAL ILLEGAL ALIENS!

I hate when guys ask, “Can you cook?”

I don’t know, can you build a house?

There is a species of water beetle that regularly gets swallowed whole by frogs.  And while there’s a lot of things you can do to keep from being eaten, once you’re inside a frog, your options are severely limited.  Generally you get digested.  But this particular species of beetle said, “you know, I bet there’s another way.”  And it started walking.  In fact, it walked through the frog’s digestive tract and out the back end.  

This is 100% true, you can look it up.  19 out of 20 of these beetles will simply walk out of the frog, unharmed.  It usually takes them about an hour, although one beetle speed-ran the frog in five minutes, which I’m sure was very exciting for the frog.

The moral of this story, if there is one, is that no matter how dark the situation, there is always a way through.  And there’s always a light at the end of the frog.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in 4th, so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

I discovered that answered the door naked helps deter trick or treater’s.  Oh, here we go again.  Here’s two dressed as policemen…

And that’s it my friends.  May you all be blessed by God with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.

I’m so proud!  What you see, in the above header, was created by none-other than my son, the Whelpling!  He is playing with an AI program that he uses and wanted to make me my own Impish Dragon instead of using other peoples version and this is what he came up with after a little bit of work this morning bouncing ideas back and forth.  I think it’s pretty good.  Now, that’s not to say that I’m not willing to entertain other ideas…any of you other budding artists out there think you have what it takes to draw me?  

I know what you are all thinking.  Why not just take a picture of me and be done with it?  The problem is that I just don’t have time to be posing for all the different situations where I find myself needing to be for headers for the ezine and advertisements for the company and product endorsements and movie industry … no wait…I can’t talk about that one.  Anyway, it’s just so much easier to have a … shall we say, cartoon mascot for the ezine.  And I think that the Whelpling did a GREAT job…but maybe it’s not quite there yet.  And maybe it is.  What do you guys think?  

But for now…

I agree…so much I agree!

That is so adorable.  The look on the baby’s face is so precious!

All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors

– Anon

Okay, I’m not ready for ANY of those yet!

This one is from our buddy Joe from NJ…and I agree with him.

One of my all time favorites!

________________

Rick and Ron in a bar…

One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Wooo, what the heck happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the heck did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my freaking house.”

I agree!  Great one!  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse!

Like any good cartoon, it’s the little things that matter…like the picture on the wall behind them…

A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.

One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. “How about some nice seashells?” she asked. “No, thank you,” the man replied.

Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, “What’s wrong?” asked the man. “I’m going fast,” the old woman wheezed. “Please buy some shells.”

Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.

“Hey,” he yelled to a nearby police officer, “I thought she passed away yesterday.”

The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, but you were conned,” he said “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.

Okay, so that’s me in the passenger seat and Izzy driving.  And it could just as easily have been me saying, “You just ran over that man!!” and then her, “Well, he shouldn’t have been standing there!!!” and me again, “You’re driving on the sidewalk!!”  And I just read this to her and she didn’t appreciate my humor at all.  But, a true artist is never appreciated in his own time.

Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change:

1. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.
2. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
3. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
4. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
5. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, “I’m sorry, I dont do autopsies.”
6. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with “Dear Weenie…”.
7. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: “ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)”.
8. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to “chew the fat”.
9. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.
10. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
11. Your twelve-year-old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.

When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation.

To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. “What’s the idea of writing me an hour long speech?!” he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I was finished.”

Goldberg was baffled. “I wrote you a 20 minute speech,” he replied. I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: “Is my wife planning to murder me?” Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
2. She always says things like “If you died, would you want me to remarry?”: Yeah, it’s over for you.
3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: “Just to see how much cargo space it has,” she says.
7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: “It’ll be great. There won’t be anyone else around.”
9. She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
10. She’s currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter: Run!

While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she’s trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. 

When the postal authorities received the letter to ‘God, USA’ they decided to send the letter to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God which read: 

Dear God, 

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC and, as usual, those guys deducted $95.00. 

A rich American tourist was vacationing in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot’s ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear…

“I thought I told you yesterday to get the hell out of here.”

Well, I meant to get to this earlier, but better late than never.  This comment is from Saturday’s issue..

Maybe this will help…This is also Michelangelo…

And the Bowery Boys reference had to do with one of the characters always using the wrong idiom or word at the wrong time, just like the joke did….like irregardless and stuff.  It was a very old TV show that us older folks watched when we were kids… in fact … Kris says…

He noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

 I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,

your son,

Josh

 P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

I’ve often wondered what people have against the horse I rode in on.

A man was telling his buddy over coffee, “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”

“Holy Smokes”, replied the friend, “She actually said that?”

The father replied, “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. I’m paraphrasing a little.  “What she actually said was, Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Biden’s 2024 re-election campaign.”

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.

Some best friends have matching tattoos, but me and my bestie have matching mental issues.

And that is it my friends.  Until next time.

Okay, I have no idea where the above header came from.  It just put itself together.  Before we go too much further I have a couple of things to say.

First and foremost, I have to offer thanks to Richard E, and Ted K for your very generous donations!  They are so very, very appreciated and so very, very helpful right now.

Second, the lawsuit has been settled and it didn’t really go in my favor.  But, it was a debt I owed, doesn’t matter that it was written off in the past, it was still my debt.  And I know that God will continue to take care of me.  We will make it.

And I want to thank all of you for your emails, comments and wonderful support I’ve been getting.  There have been quite a few of you who have been sharing your stories with me about what you’ve gone through in the past and what you are going through right now and how DL has helped you get through.  That really touches my heart.  That is kind of what we are here for.  Those of you who can contribute do so and if you are just here to enjoy, then just enjoy.  If I ever get close to running out of material, I’ll let you know, as I have in the past.  And if you ever have a story that you would like me to share with the group either for feedback from the group or just to share with the group to show someone else that they are not alone out there…which is why I share with you guys…then by all means, feel free to write to me and tell me so and we can work it out together.

Remember, if you can’t get the episode through your email you can always go to the website to get to it and if you need to get ahold of me, here’s the email…and the website: 

Okay, so enough for now.  Let’s get this road on the show

Some of you won’t get that one…but I’m not sure if it will be the younger ones or the older ones.

You know…there’s probably a lot of truth in that…for some of you guys!

A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City. The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she’s ever seen. “I’d love to know where that lady got those shoes,” she said to her husband. “Maybe I should ask her.” The husband raises a hand. “Allow me, my love.” The wife beams at him. “What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie.” The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, “Where did you get those shoes?” “I got them in a store just around the corner from here,” replied the woman. “Nice. How much were they?” “Oh, around 500 dollars.” “Thanks for letting me know.” The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, “She got her shoes in Los Angeles.”

A special and incredible thank you to Ted for sending this one to me.  Lee Greenwood and US Servicemembers release a new version of “God Bless the USA”

Just because it’s cool

Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: “Is my wife planning to murder me?” Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.

1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
2. She always says things like “If you died, would you want me to remarry?”: Yeah, it’s over for you.
3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: “Just to see how much cargo space it has,” she says.
7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: “It’ll be great. There won’t be anyone else around.”
9. She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
10. She’s currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter: Run!

While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she’s trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.

When the doorbell rings, why do the dogs always assume it’s for them?

5 year old:  Why did the chicken cross the road?  

Me:  Why? 

5 year old:  To get to the dummy’s house. 

Me:  ….. 

5 year old:  …..  

Me:  ….. 

5 year old:  Knock Knock  

Me:  Who’s there? 

5 year old:  The chicken

Again, because it’s cool

Most people could care less that people say irregardless.  This misuse should of been nipped in the butt long ago.  Maybe they are just escape goats for the broader problems of the decline of education, but even though I have been biting my time here, cringing at the next foe par while they get off scotch free, it’s truly a mute pint these days.  Face it:  it’s a doggie dog world.  I think I’ll just go curl up in a feeble position.  ex cetera, ex cetera, ex cetera…

And the really funny thing is that Buddy Wheats and I were just talking a few hours ago and I had said that “irregardless” is my number one cringer and he had said that “should of” was his and it’s the first 2 that come up in this wonderful list so reminiscent of the Bowery Boys.  

Ahhhhhhh!!!!  How many of you did I get with the Bowery Boys reference?!?!

Here’s a short little sample…man those were better days…

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde. 
Just a really bad spell of weather. 

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I say, “Oh my gosh!  Me neither!”

Remember what I told you was one of my favorite jokes of all times?  Well, a couple of you sent me links to this one … and different versions at that!

Ain’t that the truth!

This one from Evan

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.
What’s the point?

Something like that ALWAYS reminds me of this one…

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days…

Why aren’t we asking the candidates they’re stance on all of THESE subjects?!?!

My personality is that one drawer in the kitchen that’s just full of random stuff.

The divorce rate amongst my socks is astonishing

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. 

— James Thurber (1894-1961)

Q: Do You Know Why They Bury Lawyers In Graves Dug 12 Feet Deep?

A: Because They Heard That, Deep Down, Lawyers Are Good People.

There was a very poor shepherder out in Montana. Year after year he and his family struggled through the winter, never quite going broke but never making much profit either.

One spring morning the sheepherder’s wife decided that her husband and three sons needed some new underwear. But need them or not, there just wasn’t any money for new ones.

So she bought a package of red dye and mixed up a batch in a tub in the backyard.

While she was inside gathering up her menfolk’s longjohns, a little lamb came gamboling through the yard and landed with a splash right in the vat of dye. The woman dashed out and rescued the now bright-red lamb.

A few days later a buyer happened to spot the lamb and thinking it some new breed, paid the sheepherder ten times what the lamb was worth.

About a week later another buyer who had heard rumors of a new breed put in his order for a couple of red lambs.

The sheepherder’s wife obligingly dyed a pair, and they sold them at quite a profit.

Well, soon orders for red lambs were pouring in from all over the country, and the sheepherder and his family can afford all the new underwear they want.

As a matter of fact, they’re the biggest lamb dyers in the whole state of Montana.

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples: 

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.” 

“Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.” 

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.” 

“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.” 

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am a rabid typist.” 

“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.” 

“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.” 

“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.” 

“Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.” 

“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.” 

“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.” 

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.” 

“I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.” 

“Qualifications: No education or experience.” 

“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.” 

“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.” 

“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!” 

Cover letter: “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!” 

I was scheduled to fly from Gatwick to Spain, where my wife was staying for an extended holiday. 

As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked. 

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her daughter. 

He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?” 

So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake. 

He brought it out, and it was a savory cake. It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top. 

I said “That must have taken a lot of effort to make.”

And he said “No, it was a pizza cake.”

TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT 


 1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener. 

 2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? 

 3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs? 

 4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives? 

 5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us? 

 6. This looks like a good spot for a nap. 

 7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener. 

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? 

 9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering? 

10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss! 

Give it a second, you’ll see it.

And that is it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this issue and I hope it helped.  I pray that God blesses you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

So I’m writing this on Monday.  I’m trying to keep myself occupied.  As I’ve mentioned before, today is a bad day for me.  Today is the second anniversary of Mary’s death.  For those of you new to the show, Mary is my beloved wife of 29 years now.  Although we were together much longer than that.  And it is also the fourth anniversary of my daughter taking her own life.  So…yeah, bad day.  

I got Izzy up early and we took the recyclables to the center and then we did a little grocery shopping.  Not much because with everything else going on in my life right now, we can’t afford to do any real grocery shopping until I figure out what’s going to happen with the #!@&*!# lawsuit, which I STILL haven’t heard anything about yet.  

Oh, I guess it goes without saying that I took the day off work today because I REALLY don’t need to be at work and I REALLY don’t want Izzy to be alone today, either.  Well, right now she is upstairs taking a nap because I got her up early and so I am going to work on Dragon Laffs to keep my mind occupied.  

So, if I start going on about things it will just get bad, so let’s start laughing instead, shall we.

Joe sent me this next one as a video, but I found it on YouTube.  It’s an older one, but funny none-the less.

Ed and Ted met for the first time In twenty years. “So, how’s life been for you?” Ed asked.

“Not too good,” Ted replied. “My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesblan and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.”

“Oh dear, that sounds terrible.” Ed said.

“What business were you in?’

“I sell lucky charms,” said Ted.

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change,  and then goes back and says to the cashier, “Hey, you gave me the wrong change!”

Cashier: “Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don’t make corrections after you leave. There’s nothing I can do about it now. That’s the policy of this bank !”

Customer: “Well, okay. Just thought you’d like to know you gave me twenty dollars too much. Bye. “

Because we are all little angels.

The first 50 years of Childhood are always the hardest.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.  He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.  The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”  The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.  He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

Exactly correct.  You younger guys will learn.

I took my son out for his first pint.  Got him a Fosters.  He didn’t like it – I had it.  Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it – I had it, as well.  It was the same with Guinness and Cider.  By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

Sometimes offense is the best defense.

I like to play this game called Nap Roulette.  It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.
Will it be a 30 minute nap?
Will it be a 4 hour nap?
Will I wake up tomorrow?
Nobody knows.  But it’s risky.  And I like it.

My Superpower?

I can look you dead in the face while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

What is the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

All purses should look as angry as this one.

They didn’t tell you that after his heart grew three sizes, the Grinch died, became overly calcified and well…you can see the results for yourself.

Okay, that’s got to be pretty hot out there.

That would be funny, if the truth weren’t so terrible.

Yeah, I have that same problem.

Me:  I am so exhausted! 

Fitbit:  You have taken 9 steps today.

HR: You can’t call employees “foreskin”. 

Me:  But they disappear when things get hard. 

HR:  Still can’t.

A teacher is marking off the attendance roll when she comes across the name “Hijkm”.  She says, “I’m sorry I’m not sure how to pronounce this name.” Then spells it out.  A girl raises her hand and says…

That’s me and it’s pronounced Noelle.

And this next one that is so similar

19,000 BORDER AGENTS

175,000 IRS AGENTS

8 times as many agents to target American citizens than to target the drug cartels.

In the event of a Civil War, I’m not afraid of the 81 million Biden voters.  Half are dead and don’t exist and the rest don’t even know what gender they are.  And none of them would ever dare own a firearm.

And that would be absolutely hilarious … if he hadn’t actually SAID that!!!

I love listening to that man talk!!!

When I’m feeling down and someone says, “Suck it up” I get the urge to break their legs and say “Walk it off”.

Dad:  You should become a cop. 

Daughter:  I don’t want to. 

Dad:  You chase the same men they do, might as well get paid for it.

Izzy immediately identified this

I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47…

I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

So you think you have problems?

My wife moved my air guitar, and now I can’t find it.

A real friend is someone who tries to pick you up when you’ve fallen and if they can’t pick you up, they lay down right beside you.

Blood is thicker than water, but syrup is thicker than blood so pancakes are better than family

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I just found out that I’m color blind. 

The news came completely out of the green.

I’m getting so sick and tired of these double standards.  Burn a body at a mortuary and “you’re doing your job” but do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence”

Well, thank you guys for helping me get through the day.  I appreciate your help. I do want to take the opportunity to thank Theodore K. for your very kind donation.  It helps a lot.  Thank you.  I’m still waiting on the lawsuit, still waiting on the estate and still don’t have 2 nickels to rub against each other because of the above, so yeah, thank you very much.  I really thought I would have heard from the other lawyers today, and if I don’t hear anything by Thursday I’m going to write to the court and ask for a delay…extension…whatever. 

Anyway, thank you my friends.  Consider yourselves hugged.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.  Until next time.