Okay, I gotta share this right up front before I lose the link.  This was sent to me by buddy Sasquatch as a video that I can’t share with you guys.  It’s a tik tok  video and I can’t yet figure out how to put them on the blog.  I WILL NOT down load the app on my phone, laptop, tablet, etc.  because I do believe that it is a tool that the chinese are using to spy on us with…amongst many other things.  And yes, I know they are probably spying on me with so many other things that it is a moot point, but I’m not going to make it easy on them.  Anyway, I did find the video on another spot on line that I think might be safer…maybe… a little.  And it is so well said and so important that I want you guys to watch it, so please click on this link and if it asks you, just click on continue as guest.  https://www.tiktok.com/@theliftedpatriot/video/7329659467937697055

And now we can continue on with the rest of it.

Gonna try really hard to get SOMETHING put together for Monday.  So, let’s get to it!

I’ll second … all in favor?

Aussie Pete sent us this “Clever Ad”

I really like Michael’s idea…

Yup, definitely in favor of your ideas, Michael.

And another cool site from Stephanie.  I happen to have this App downloaded on my phone https://www.flightradar24.com/34.00,-89.54/6  Definitely worth checking out.

Yeah, good luck pal!

In the still of the night…

Wow…that brings me way back!

Banned in the USA: 30 Movies Theaters Refused to Show | Wealth of Geeks  

https://wealthofgeeks.com/movies-u-s-theaters-refused-show/

Match the arrestee with their alleged crime | The Smoking Gun

Can’t play on a phone because you have to click and drag the crime strangely addicting.  I spent way too much time going to the next one and the next one and the … https://www.thesmokinggun.com/time-waster/match-arrestee-their-alleged-crime-450317#

How many of you youngsters can even tell me what show this is from?

This is one of our husband and wife teams that work down in editing.

‘Everyone loved him’: Sylvester Stallone, Adam Sandler and other stars on Carl Weathers’ death

Rest in Peace Carl Weathers

(If you click on the title, is should take you to the article)

The world wants peace, but rejects the Prince of Peace.
The world wants love, but rejects the Author of Love.
The world wants life, but rejects the One Who gave His to save theirs.
The world desperately wants Jesus, but they’re too busy rejecting Him to realize He’s the answer.

Overheard a lady saying she won’t let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like “jumping in puddles”.  I watched Road Runner as a kid and I haven’t blown anyone up with dynamite — yet.

If by “CRUNCHES” you mean the sound BACON makes when you EAT IT, THEN yes, I do CRUNCHES!

I admit, my pervert level is WAY above the national average but…

I’ve learned to live with that.

Here’s a joke for all the mind readers out there…

…I know, right.

Like the “mostly peaceful” black lives matter demonstrations? or the “Insurrection and riot on January 6th?

Why don’t they just get someone with a modicum of brains?

THERE IS NO BLACK NATIONAL ANTHEM!
THERE IS NO WHITE NATIONAL ANTHEM!
There is the AMERICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM!!!
If THAT offends you…YOU are the problem in AMERICA!!!!

EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT CONSPIRACY MINDED,
SOMETHING IN YOUR

SOUL

HAS TO BE TELLING YOU SOMETHING
ISN’T RIGHT WITH ANY OF THIS!

Undertakers Reveal The Weirdest Things They’ve Ever Seen At A Funeral – George Takei

Okay, there is some weird stuff on this site…weird https://www.georgetakei.com/undertakers-reveal-the-weirdest-things-theyve-ever-seen-at-a-funeral-2640777237.html

The best excuses people give to get out of a speeding ticket 

Some of these are exceptional, also:https://www.police1.com/traffic-patrol/articles/top-20-best-and-worst-excuses-for-speeding-mZlu6DOU2nfwk87P/

Yup, milk money

I’m terrible with names.  It’s not my fault, it’s a condition.  There’s a name for it…

In the town where I grew up, there was a large statue in one of the parks, of a famous historical white colonizer.  I’m not going to say who specifically, suffice it to say that it was someone who wasn’t worth memorializing for their deeds.  And as you can imagine, this statue was a frequent target of vandalism, with paint or toilet paper or eggs on multiple occasions.  Now, the local council was generally pretty lax when it came to repairing potholes or other public damage in town, but every time, 24 hours after this particular statue was hit, the same person would always appear in a Hi-Vis vest, hat, mask and sunglasses, carrying a bucket of water, and wash it clean.  They would do it as quickly as possible, but always made sure the face and the name carved at the bottom were generously scrubbed.  This only encouraged people to do it again, and so it became a vicious cycle.

Within a year, the statue had sustained so much damage that it was unrecognizable and the lettering unreadable, so eventually the council came and took it down.  Also apparently, the person in the Hi-Vis vest didn’t even work for the council.  They were supposedly just some “good Samaritan” who cleaned it, often before the council even discovered it needed cleaning, so they just let them do it and ignored the problem.  They didn’t bother putting the statue up again.

Much later, we found out that the anonymous “Samaritan” had been deliberately washing the statue with a bucket of saltwater, which had dramatically corroded it, causing irreversible accumulative damage far worse than spray paint ever would have done.  It’s even theorized that they were also often the one spray-painting it, just so that they had an excuse to come back after a day to wash it.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Hey bartender, I’ll have a beer, and a mop.”

I walked into my bedroom, turned on the light, and there was a large picture of Barry Gibb on the bed.  Scared the BeeGeeses out of me.

Okay, I know all us older folks know what these are, but how about you youngsters?  Do you know what these are?

There’s a convent that only eats fresh lettuce salads.  The nuns there consider themselves Romaine Catholics.

I got fired from PC World yesterday.  A woman came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors…

I said a shovel.

And that’s it my friends.  I have to go.  Got this done just in time.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I just realized that I have no time this week.  LOL!  I know, why is this week any different than any other week?  Well, today is Thursday and I’m trying to get Saturday’s issue put together.  Here in just a little while I will be leaving for my Thursday night ministry.

Side Note:  That sounds wrong.  Thursday night ministry.  And it’s not really a Bible Study since we’re actually teaching a lesson out of a workbook.  We are studying Hebrews 11, known as the Hall of Heroes and, not surprising at all, the Lesson we are going through is called Biblical Heroes or Heroes of the Bible or something to that effect.  Let’s call it “Heroes of the Bible”.  I feel like it’s a ministry in that I’m drawn to it and feel led to do it.  I feel that the Spirit teaches…just like the Jail Ministry.  Anyway, I’m rambling.  It just doesn’t sound right.

So, as I was saying, leaving for Thursday night shortly, then tomorrow night, when I would normally be off and have time to work on Saturday’s issue, Miss Izzy Dragon has an appointment, so that will take up approximately 3 hours or so of tomorrow night.  So, I have to work quickly.

Then, this weekend is the UTA, so I will be working all weekend, with EXTRA stuff this weekend, so there may not (probably not) be an issue on Monday.  And both (BOTH!!!! Oh the dread involved in THAT word!!) of my puppy dogs have a vet appointment on Monday, so I could very well be in hospital by Monday evening.  So, pray for me on Monday.  I told the Vet when they confirmed the appointment the other day.  We’ll bring Pepper in first and you’ll love us because she’s so sweet and so nice.  Then I will bring in Willow…the beast…and you’ll tell us to never come back again.  Oh, did I mention that our old vet suddenly closed down with no warning and we had to start with a new vet and this is their first visit to said new vet?  And… AND…I’m going to sedate Willow.

Heavily.

And I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that she STILL terrorizes the place.  And it’s only for one of two reasons.  She either loves you and wants to play and her idea of play is all out war or she is frightened of you and wants to protect Izzy and I and her idea of protection is… you guessed it, all out war.  Either way, I don’t think that sedation is really going to make that much difference.  Should be interesting though.  This is a 40 pound German Shepherd / Border Collie mix that can drag 180 pound me across the yard or back driveway while she is on the leash if she wants to protect me from the dreaded squirrel or bunny in the backyard.  Like I said, ALL OUT WAR.  At the same time, she will sit quietly and wait and drool, but not take a treat out of my hand, even though her sister Pepper is chomping away at hers, even though I am holding it directly in front of her mouth, and I tell her “easy”, she still won’t take it until I say, “okay” and then she ever so gently takes it out of my fingers.  And if she starts to become too aggressive I can gently say, “no” and she stops with her mouth open around it and backs right off.  It’s the most amazing thing, ever.  This female warrior when it comes to other people and creatures and gentle girl around Izzy and I.  Well, more so me than Izzy.  Pepper is Izzy’s girl.  Willow listens to me.

Anyway, let’s get started on the fun stuff, shall we?

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing.

He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water but you can’t make him hoarse.

A woman came into a chemist with a shopping list.

As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, the pharmacist inquired what size of each she wanted.

Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Enos.(Antiacid in England)

The pharmacist was surprised when, in response to his usual question, “What size?”

she said, “What size would you suggest? I’m only having four for dinner.”

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident… I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

“Yum!  I love seafood!”

Got a really good comment from Evan..

I agree with you on the morally handicapped.  Much more difficult to tell at a glance, and hardly ever self-identified.  I agree with you on the F-35, and at some point in time would love to hear the story of the design of that.  But, I will tell you that to hear of the F-35 being slotted to replace the A-10 is ludicrous.  Just one dragon’s opinion…who has a LOT of experience loading weapons on aircraft.  

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.” “Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost? “

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

This letter is from one of our dear regular readers.  Thank you so much my dear friend, you made me laugh so very hard.  Subject line:  Football question

Not a foot ball fan, even less now.

Back in my day if you weren’t very swift it was a negative thing…now people are proud to be Swifties.

My question – Goggle says she dated 10 other football players – and we all know goggle is right – does that make them both wide receivers – definitely not both tight ends.

ROFLMAO!

I’m not saying this is another portrait of any of the people who you’ve met before.  I’m definitely NOT saying that.  But, it could be someone you know quite well…

Ummm…why?

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

This next one from brother Sasquatch is really good.  It’s called 20 Life Lessons From Mister Rogers

20 Life Lessons From Mister Rogers

Before there was Blippi and Blue’s Clues, there was Mister Rogers, aka Fred McFeely Rogers, the host of the eponymous children’s television series Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Rogers was the sort of TV host that both kids and parents trusted and enjoyed.

Known for his calm demeanor, friendly attitude, and astute life lessons, Rogers established himself as an icon for the more than three decades that the PBS show aired. He began each episode by changing into one of his trademark cardigan sweaters and slipping on some sneakers while singing the show’s theme song, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” And he concluded each episode with the song “Tomorrow.”

The series ran for 31 seasons, from 1968 through 2001.  Rogers dispensed timeless wisdom about how to be kind to others, how to feel good about yourself, and what to do when you’re up against your worst fears.

He used everything from puppets to songs to chats with friendly neighborhood pals to teach kids about the importance of empathy and compassion, encouraging his young viewers to dream big, explore the world, and above all else, be kind. Here, we’ve rounded up 20 of Rogers’ most memorable quotes,  reminders of the good old days of turning on the TV and spending an afternoon in the neighborhood.

ON KINDNESS

1.  All of us, at some time or other, need help. Whether we’re giving or receiving help, each one of us has something valuable to bring to this world. That’s one of the things that connects us as neighbors — in our own way, each one of us is a giver and a receiver.

2.  As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has or ever will have, something inside that is unique to all time.

3.  When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

4.  Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person.

ON LOVE

​​5.  Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like “struggle.” To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.

6.  Everyone longs to be loved. And the greatest thing we can do is to let people know that they are loved and capable of loving.

7.  Listening is where love begins: listening to ourselves and then to our neighbors.

8.  I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be.

9.  Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other’s achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.

ON HEALING

10.  Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life’s important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives.

​​11.  There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.

12.  When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.

ON LIVING LIFE TO ITS FULLEST

13.  It’s not so much what we have in this life that matters. It’s what we do with what we have.

14.  The thing I remember best about successful people I’ve met all through the years is their obvious delight in what they’re doing, and it seems to have very little to do with worldly success. They just love what they’re doing, and they love it in front of others.

15.  It’s good to be curious about many things.

16.  You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.

ON INDIVIDUALITY

17.  If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of.

18.  We all have different gifts, so we all have different ways of saying to the world who we are.

19.  It’s really easy to fall into the trap of believing that what we do is more important than what we are. Of course, it’s the opposite that’s true: What we are ultimately determines what we do!

20.  The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self

That was such a GREAT episode and a really good show.  And I know, there are some of you youngsters out there who are saying…”A great episode of what?  What show?”  And it just makes me want to cry over what you all missed.

And this one is from Joe from NJ.  And it is also so very, very funny!

Proofreading Needed

Spelling and grammar errors found on review of hospital charts

1. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.  I was married to one who had that.
2. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.  Well, some doctors are emotional.
3. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.  Tallest man or shortest man?
4. The skin was moist and dry.  Must of been related to the guy in #3
5. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.   Well, that is where a lot of guys keep their brains.
6. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.  That is one of the ones that made me laugh out loud.
7. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.  And this one.  Although, I would of thought that a crappy guy would have given her diarrhea.    
8. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.  Well, if you don’t get her permission first, that’s a felony.
9. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.  Yeah, that would do it.
10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.  I have had all kinds of physical therapy and none of it was EVER done under a car.
11. The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.  more felonies.
12. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.
13. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
14. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.  That’s going to be one smart turtle one day.
15. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.  Well, if you’ve ever been to LA that wouldn’t surprise you at all.
16. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.  I have SO MANY questions
17. She is numb from her toes down.  Down to what?
18. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.  Isn’t there a starfish or something who’s genitalia is on their feet?  
19. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.  Would have been better off with the bowel resection.
21. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.  Don’t we all.
22. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children  That’s really not as uncommon as you would think.

Always, Always, ALWAYS question the situation when the sounds of the forest stop for no apparent reason.  Because whether it’s apparent or not, there is ALWAYS a reason.  Think about it.  If the forest didn’t go quiet when YOU showed up, whatever it was that made it go quiet is bigger and badder than you are.

A woman  called up the fire department and said, “Look, I’ve just had a new rock garden built and I’ve just planted some new roses, and..” 

The fireman said, “Where’s the fire?” 

She said, “I’ve just spent a lot of money having my lawn mowed and my hedges clipped.  Some of my new plants are very expensive…” 

He said, “Look, lady, you don’t want the fire department, you want a flower shop.” 

She said, “No, I don’t.  The house next door is on fire, and I don’t want you clumsy fireman stamping all over my garden when you come over.” 

At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. 

“Rabbi?” asked little Melvin “there’s something I need to know.” 

“What’s that my child?” asked the Rabbi. 

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?” 

“Right.” 

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Uh … right.” 

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?” 

“Again you are correct.” 

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?” 

“All that is correct,” agreed the Rabbi. “So what’s your question?” 

“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?” 

TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY 

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 

9. Today is our what? 

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother. 

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s. 

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up. 

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. 

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. 

However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. 

“Aidan,” said the neighbor, “I never knew you were so strong.” 

“Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I’d have thrashed him properly.”

Truer words have NEVER been spoken!! And it gives me a chance to build a  collage of some of my favorites to share.

This final little essay is sent to us by Sasquatch.   He had the attribution wrong, so I took that off, but the sentiment is dead on.  So, if you want to attribute it to someone, you can tell them that you saw it here on Dragon Laffs!

Everybody, whether republican, democrat, independent, whatever, need to see this. 

Just a little reminder of the stakes next November…

Here are some interesting points to think about prior to the November election, especially to my friends on the fence, like moderate Democrats, Libertarians and Independents and the never Trump Republicans and those thinking of “walking away” from the Democratic party.

Women are upset at Trump’s naughty words —  they also bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray.

Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women’s rights only matter if those women are liberal.

No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. Did you figure it out yet? But wait… there’s more …

Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid  $900,000  per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.

And just like that, they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.

President Trump’s wall costs less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America.

We are one election away  from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full-term abortion nationally. We are fighting evil.

They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi. Did you hear that Hillary??

60 years ago, Venezuela was 4th on the world economic freedom index. Today, they are 179th and their citizens are dying of starvation. In only 10 years, Venezuela was destroyed by democratic socialism.

Russia  donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign.  Russia donated $145,600,000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!

Nancy  Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens  to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.

A socialist is basically a communist who doesn’t have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint … Yet!

How do you walk 3000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a fully charged cell phone?

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.

Bill Clinton paid $850,000 to Paula Jones to get her to go away. I don’t remember the FBI raiding his lawyer’s office.

I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America.

The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump’s approval ratings are low.

The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money….. Margaret Thatcher

Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings  .

President Trump said, “They’re not after me. They’re after you. I’m just in their way.”

Now, go Back & Read this Again like your Future Depends upon it, Because it Does .

As Joe says, this one is an

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!”

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, “Can people predict the future with cards?”

His response was, “My mother can.”

The teacher replied, “Really?”

The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.”

Four retired Army veterans are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Veterans Bar” over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn’t look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the ” book by it’s cover ” .

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?” There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis – shaken not stirred and says, “That’ll be 40 cents, please.” The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other – they can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and ordered another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with ! the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

The bartender replies, “No doubt you’ve noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain’t nothin’ to write home about. I don’t waste money on that stuff. But, here’s my story. I’m a retired Master Sergeant and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow. That’s quite a story.” says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “Oh, those are retired Marines. They’re waiting for happy hour.”

That sounds like every Marine I’ve ever met.  And I don’t say that despairingly.   

There is so much truth in that last one.  God’s plans are always the right plans.  All we have to do is have the faith necessary to follow them.

Kentucky Law

By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: “On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire state buildings stacked one on top the other.

“Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol.” “We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives.”

“In other words, we’re faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way of life!”

A pompous gentleman once asked the sharp-tongued actress, Mrs. Patrick Campbell, “Why do you suppose it is that women so utterly lack a sense of humour?” 

God did it on purpose,” Mrs. Campbell answered without batting an eyelash, “so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you.” 

What about those of us who stay up late and get up early?

Okay, so some of these are pretty good…

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

10.. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9.. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8.. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7.. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.

6.. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5.. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4.. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3.. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2.. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve…

1.. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.”  Now, you just KNEW that one was going to be in the list, right?

Wise Advice From a Farmer’s Wife

• Whenever you return a borrowed pie pan,
  • Make sure it’s got a warm pie in it.

• Invite lots of folks to supper.
  • You can always add more water to the soup.

• There’s no such thing as woman’s work on a farm.
  • There’s just work.

• Make home a happy place for the children.
  • Everybody returns to their happy place.

• Always keep a small light on …
  • In the kitchen window at night.

• If your man gets his truck stuck in the field, don’t go in after him. 
  • Throw him a rope and pull him out with the tractor.

• Keep the kerosene lamp …
  • Away from the milk cow’s leg.

• It’s a whole lot easier to get breakfast …
  • From a chicken than a pig.

• Always pat the chickens …
  • When you take their eggs.

• It’s easy to clean an empty house,
  • But hard to live in one.  Hard learned truth

• All children spill milk.
  • Learn to smile and wipe it up.

• Homemade is always
  • Better’ n store bought.

• A tongue’s like a knife.
  • The sharper it is the deeper it cuts.

• A good neighbor always knows …
  • When to visit and when to leave.

• A city dog wants to run out the door,
  • But a country dog stays on the porch ’cause he’s not fenced-in.

• Always light birthday candles …
  • From the middle outward.

• Nothin’ gets the frustrations out …
  • Better ‘n  splittn’ wood.

• The longer dress hem,
  • The more trusting the husband.

• Enjoy doing your children’s laundry.
  • Some day they’ll be gone.

• You’ll never catch a runnin’ chicken …
  • But if you throw seed around the back door you’ll have a skillet full by supper.

• Biscuits brown better …
  • With a little butter brushed on ’em.

• Check your shoelaces …
  • Before runnin’ to help somebody.

• Visit old people who can’t get out.
  • Someday you’ll be one.

• The softer you talk,
  • The closer folks’ll listen.

• The colder the outhouse,
  • The warmer the bed.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

And that is that my friends.  I can’t tell at this point in time whether there will be an issue on Monday or not.  I’m leaning towards not, so don’t be surprised.  So, until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.

Hey!  Welcome to Thursday!

On Monday I got a great letter in the mail addressed to my brother’s estate.  It was from some initialed LLC out of Minnesota.  They said they had a financial matter they needed to discuss with whoever was handling the estate and they were sorry, but due to legalities, they couldn’t give any details until they determined who that was and if I knew who that was, could I please write back and let them know or if I was REALLY kind I could give them a call.

Of course, it was a collection agency for Verizon phone company.  Yeah, the same ones who said they would cancel out his last bill.  I explained to the very polite man who finally answered the phone what the situation was and he was actually the nicest collector I’ve ever dealt with.  So, I didn’t get to tease him at all.  He’s going to send me a letter, acknowledging what’s going on and will check back with me in about 60 days.

So, with that as the start of today’s issue…

I googled my symptoms.  Turns out I just needed to go on a vacation.

Here you go youngsters, here’s a hint… “Come and knock on our door…”

I got 10 out of the 15

A genie granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy.”

Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. 

Follow me for more money saving tips.

“Tell me ‘No’ again and I will slap you into next week…”

My teacher said, “Don’t worry about spelling.  In the future there will always be autocorrect.”  For that I’m eternally grapefruit.

As has been the case lately, this site is from Stephanie…

Freedom of Information Act Electronic Reading Room | CIA FOIA (foia.cia.gov)

I do get sucked into rabbit holes.  https://www.cia.gov/readingroom/home

Truly a very interesting website. 

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says.

“She got in the back seat by mistake.”

You guys remember the scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where the apes discover the violence that can be had with a stick?  For some reason this picture reminds me of that scene. 

And here’s another one from Stephanie…

Amazon price tracker, Amazon price history charts, price watches, and price drop alerts. | camelcamelcamel.com

https://camelcamelcamel.com/

I haven’t checked on this site at all yet.  So, check it out and let me know what you think.

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412 

 The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!” 

House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544,completed 1618.

Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!” 

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?” 

Darned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…” 

And another one…

GeoGuessr – Let’s explore the world!

My husband got lost in this game for about 3 years. Once got within 10 feet of the locale. https://www.geoguessr.com/

And finally, one last site from Stephanie…and this one is pretty neat.

Tip of My Tongue – Chirag Mehta : chir.ag

Go here: https://chir.ag/projects/tip-of-my-tongue/

An attractive older woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with only two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today!”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too,” The old woman says, “Thank you for your kindness. Mr. Bartender, I’ll have a Scotch with only two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes her second drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one too.” The old woman says, “Thank you for your kindness. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch with only two drops of water.”

Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink the bartender says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The woman replies, “Kid, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different issue!”

I don’t like to think before I speak…

I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak.

Having a teenage daughter is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses when you try and be nice to it.

Never make a woman mad.  They can remember stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons…

When batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

For the past 25 years, my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

This anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste tube.

I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally, yesterday while having dinner, she turned and looked at me and said, “Why have you stopped brushing your teeth??” 

Marriage is a difficult relationship, I tell you.

Lastly tonight, I’d like to share this comment from our dear friend from South Africa…

Great comment Wouter.  Much appreciated and that is an awesome page.  The article made me laugh.  Loved the snakes, but I still want a flame thrower.  Can you imagine the rude guy who cuts you off in traffic and you pull up beside him rolling down the highway and set that thing off?!?!  I laugh just thinking about it!  Almost as much fun as this!…

Except in my human form!  Way too much fun!  Oh, by the way, there is a really good video of the flame thrower at work on the link Brother Wouter sent us.  Thanks, Wouter.  Groete!

And that’s it my friends…until next time!

Welcome to Monday!  I’ve got some interesting stuff to talk about this morning.  I’ve got some praise to give out!  Let’s do that first.

A dear friend of mine whom we’ve been praying for who has had some very weird problems medically.  I don’t want to say more than that because of privacy issues and such, but suffice it to say, that through lots of prayers and apparently through very little medical effort on the doctor’s part, he is healed.  It is a truly wonderful and miraculous thing.  Praise God and I’m so happy for him and his dear wife.

Been talking on line and through email to several friends.  Counseling and reaching out.  There are several people I know who are sick, who have had someone close to them pass away, who are going through some sort of problem, financial dilemma or mental issue and I get this questionnaire in the mail asking me if I think things are better or worse since Biden has taken office.  My mind immediately thinks, “I don’t know a single person, I haven’t heard of a single person, I haven’t seen a single person, other than these left wing democrat liberals who can say that they are better off now than they were when Trump was in office.  And in all honesty, and I do mean truthfully and honestly, most of those democrat liberals that I’m talking about, those TV people, media people and government people, are liars, thieves, and evil people.  They are either outright lying about being better off or they ARE better off by stealing our money.  So no…silly question.  I do not think things are better since Biden has been president.  And now he’s breaking the Constitution.  He’s committing TREASON.  The real question hasn’t anything to do with him committing treason, it has to do with NO ONE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  

Someone, I don’t remember who, said that he ought to federalize the Texas State National Guard.  I’m not a lawyer, I don’t know whether he can do that or not.  But what I do know is that every National Guardsman, everywhere is supposed to take an oath.  And that oath, that I just read, says that they are to support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the State of whatever state they are in.  They will defend them against all enemies, foreign and domestic and will bear true faith and allegiance to them. They are to obey the orders of the President, the Governor, and the officers placed over them according to law and regulations.  First priority is to support and defend the two Constitutions.  So, if the President is not obeying the Constitution, he immediately voids himself from any other consideration in the chain of command.  He has to.  Because he becomes a threat to your first priority.  Your second priority is bearing true faith and allegiance to the two Constitutions.  You all know what “true faith and allegiance” means, right?

Words like dedication, devotion, fealty, fidelity, obligation, duty, honor, faithfulness… Putting the welfare of the group, the whole, the country ahead of your own.  The stuff the veterans held up their hands and swore to do and the rest of you might be struggling to come to grips with.  

My point in all this is that even if the President WERE to Federalize the Texas National Guard in order to open the border for the crossing of more illegal invaders, my thought is that I don’t believe it would be a lawful order, because it goes against the Constitution which says it is the Federal Government’s responsibility to defend the state’s borders against invaders, which they aren’t doing.  It also says that if the federal government doesn’t or won’t do so, then the state’s can do so, which is what Texas is doing.  And if the federal government tries to take away their ability to defend themselves, that is tantamount to treason.  And under U.S. Code Title 18 the penalty is … well … severe.

And this is now the third time today that I have gotten on a tangent when writing to someone (or someones) and have gone WAY further than I intended.  So, I’m not going to go any further on this or I’ll end up with emails from people saying that all I talk about is politics and religion when all they want to do is laugh and forget.  Well, all I can say to the ones who just want to laugh and forget is, skip past the words and get to the memes.  For the rest of us who want an intelligent conversation, that’s why I write.

Observations on Growing Older

• Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them … 
  • But your grandchildren are perfect!

• Going out is good.
  • Coming home is better!

• When people say you look “Great” …
  • They add “for your age!”

• When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
  • Now you get discounts on everything …movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

• You forget names … but it’s OK because … 
  • Other people forgot they even knew you!!!

• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 …
  • And you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

• You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. 
  • Especially golf.

• Your spouse is counting on you to …
  • Remember things you don’t remember.

• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
  • But you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

• Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
  • It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

• Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”?
  • Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

• You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married …
  • Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

• You miss the days when everything worked …
  • With just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.

• When GOOGLE, iPad, email, modem were unheard of …
  • A mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

• You used to use more 4 letter words …
  • “What?”…”When?”  ???

• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, 
  • It’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

• You read 100 pages into a book …
  • Before you realize you’ve read it.

• Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet … 
  • 2 of which you will never wear.

• But old is good in some things:
  • Old songs
  • Old movies
  • And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

“Frank was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank’s scrotum and wrap very fine wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank. 

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Frank.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.” 

I once got sent out of class at school for being too sarcastic.  The teacher yelled at me, “WHAT WOULD YOUR PARENTS SAY IF I CALLED THEM?”

I replied, “Hello?”

She can do nothing without me.

Yes indeed, we did.

Okay, so remember the article from Stephanie on Saturday about the 35 things about  Mississippi they never taught you in school, right?  Well, our dear friend Wouter from South Africa wrote in to throw the flag on #15 which said:

15. The first heart transplant surgery in the world was performed by Dr. James D. Hardy at the Mississippi Medical Center in 1964.

Dad was saying a local English teacher recently convicted of overusing commas…She’s been told to expect a long sentence.

Oh, and speaking of and remembering old cartoons, remember this one from Saturday’s issue…

I was corresponding with Pop Smith about that one this morning and we were both saying how we’ve had days that have started that way.  But to realize that this was part of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, well, that’s what we used to call them, Warner Brothers cartoon, that used to play on TV for little kids on Saturday morning, and nobody thought anything wrong with it…can you IMAGINE this playing now?!?!  I shutter to think of the poor sheltered parents with the poor sheltered kidlets who would be so horribly traumatized by seeing such a thing. 

(Now you know I’m over here laughing so hard that the tears streaming down my face are almost blinding me from being able to see, right?)

Sigh…too much fun…

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Um… Wouter?

Many people have written in to ask what different members of the team that I have mentioned in the different issues look like.  What Stephanie looks like or Joe or even Sasquatch or … well, you get the idea.  Well, this…

…

…

this isn’t any of them.

(What?  Do you think I’m crazy?  I’m not going to out ANY of them!  They’ll all gang up and hunt me down in the middle of the night!!)

I KNOW!!  I hate it when that happens!  You empty it, you make a new pot!!  The rule is in my office, the boss gets off at 1500 hrs.  If you empty the pot before 1400 hrs., you make a new pot.  If it’s the weekend and the boss is here until 1600 or even 1700, which normally happens, then up to one hour prior to his departure, there better be coffee in the coffee pot.

Oh, did I mention…I’M THE FLIPPIN’ BOSS!!!

And if I empty the pot, I’m more than happy to make a new one.  I say more than happy, because then at least I know it’s made correctly.

What a great picture!

In my mind I’m still 24,
but my back is 65,
my knee is 77,
and my left hip turns 89 next week.

Isaiah 11:6-8  The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox.  The  infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.

I saw that picture and that scripture just hollered out at me.

Just got another message … comment from Evan and I’ve got to share it.

Yup, we’ve run many similar memes in the past.  It’s truly amazing to me when the stats are actually presented.  And yet the anti-gun crowd still think it’s the guns that are the problem.

Stephanie sent this great link to the story behind a great old psychedelic rock song of the sixties.  

Incense And Peppermints by Strawberry Alarm Clock – Songfacts

Okay, here’s the link  https://www.songfacts.com/facts/strawberry-alarm-clock/incense-and-peppermints

And that allows me to do something that I LOVE to do… THIS:

To all you youngsters out there…to the question you are about to ask, the answer is “yes”.  These are the kinds of songs we listened to when we were young.  And the answer is also “yes”.  To the other questions you were thinking of.  This was 1967 when it came out, so of course we were pretty much baked while listening. 

That is WAY TOO Funny!!!

BENEFITS OF A GOOD VOCABULARY!

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin…
and muffins are healthy.
You’re welcome.

Me in high school:  Eats a supreme pizza, a dozen donuts, and a 2-liter bottle of coke at midnight…loses three pounds.

Me now:  Goes up a pants size every time I swallow my own spit.

And he’s doing a damn fine job of it so far!!!

They have the nerve, the absolute gall, to stand up on the podium, in front of the cameras and say that the reason they need to cut the barb wire in Texas is so that the Border Patrol can get in and Patrol the Border to make sure that there are no illegals crossing into our country.  And what do the do when the cut the wire?  They let illegals cross the border into our country.  LIARS!!!

Yeah, I know it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

I got this email from Pop Smith:

A few weeks ago you posted a pic of a melted candle.  I knew I had a similar one saved somewhere that I had taken

your pic

One I had taken after a hot summer

Pop Smith

That is way cool.  I like your melted candles much better, Pop! 

And while we’re talking about emails, I got this one from Vincent:

The “ DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE ? “ was said, on Channel 5, at 10pm , just before the 10 o’clock news, many years ago, if I remember correctly; in NYC.

Vi

And that may have been where I heard it too since in Central Jersey we got the Philly and the New York channels.  Especially after Dad had a telephone pole installed in our backyard (he worked for Jersey Central Power & Light, Co. after all)  and put our antenna on top with the newest thing at the time…a rotor.  A rotor was a little motor attached to your antenna so it would turn and face the direction you wanted and fine tune your signal.  These were the days before cable TV.  

And now, a couple of Dart-centric entries curtesy of Stephen B.

Trying is NEVER failure!  Giving up, ALWAYS is.

The missus asked what I was doing on the computer.

I said I was looking for cheap flights…

She got all excited, which is strange as she’s never shown any interest in Darts before!

In High School I was so excited to become a Senior.

I’m not too excited now.

That has GOT to be a little intimidating!

Texas Rangers?

THE FIRST RULE OF THE OCD CLUB IS TO HAVE A SECOND RULE SO THERE IS AN EVEN NUMBER OF RULES.

I know this person.

Canadian Fun Fact:  It is illegal to lock your car doors in downtown Churchill, Manitoba Canada in case someone needs to escape from a polar bear.

You know, that’s probably a very good law.  A better law though would be, DON’T LIVE IN CHURCHILL, MANITOBA CANADA BECAUSE OF THE POLAR BEARS!!!  Just sayin’

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that fact at my daughter’s school concert.

Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched for “ninjas”.  The computer told me, “Ninjas cannot be found.” 

Well played ninjas, very well played.

You never know what I have up my sleeve.

Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.

“I’m looking for the girl-next-door type.  I’m just going to keep moving house until I find her.”

Okay, so having just listened to a podcast where they talked apologetics this last cartoon made me laugh until tears came rolling down my cheeks.  But with that my dear, dear friends, we’re going to call this episode complete!  

It seems my normal state of affairs lately is “running late”.  Here it is again, Friday night, and I’m just now starting tomorrow’s issue.  And I only have a few hours to put it together.  I really don’t like this.  I like putting more time and effort into my work.  Especially when I have stuff to talk about.  

Like Texas and the complete screw up that our Government is making of the border situation.  Biden was actually recorded saying that they can’t stop the flow of military aged men coming across the border.  That sounds an awful lot like treason to me.  We have no idea how many terrorists and people that wish us ill have already crossed, but I do know that it’s more than 40% of the ones who’ve crossed.  They actually had an interview with the head of one of the Iranian terror groups, who had freely walked across the border and he told the interviewer, “You have no idea who I am…but you will.”  And now that they do know who he is, they have no idea where he is.  And he was ballsy enough to say that, while being recorded, to someone who was interviewing him.  Plus he stood there and pointed out everything that America was doing wrong.  Governor Abbott of Texas has set the perfect stage with his letter to Washington and there are an awful lot of other state Governors who are backing him up.  This is an invasion and it is the Federal Governments sworn duty, by the Constitution to defend the States borders from invasion.  And if they won’t do it, then the Constitution gives the states the power to do it.  Not only is Biden’s administration NOT doing it, he is helping the invaders.  That is treason by any sense of the word.  Fellow campers, if you haven’t realized it yet, we are at war…and not just in Ukraine.  We are at war in Iran, Israel, and in our own country.  And it’s all being backed by China and Russia and sanctioned by our own leadership.

Please, I beg of you, if you haven’t made yourself right with God and Jesus, do so soon.  This is all leading up to the final days.  I can feel it.  It might not happen in my lifetime or even in my grandchildren’s lifetime.  But it might happen before I get done writing this next sentence.  Christ could return and take up His faithful followers…and we would be the lucky ones.  Although, I shouldn’t say lucky ones.  But, compared to all those that will be left behind to suffer through the next seven years, whoa baby.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this into a proselytizing session. But sometimes I just can’t help myself.  If anyone would like to talk about that some more, you’ve got my email.

There are other things that we need to talk about, there’s a great, infuriating, but great, article that Stephen B. just sent me that I want to share with you guys, and a 30 minute … um … discussion (?) that I just had with the Social Security Administration about my brother that I really want to share with you guys, but for now…

Okay, to lead us off, here’s a pretty cool article sent to us by our own dear Stephanie.  Thanks sweetheart.

Once every 221 years: What to know about the rare 2024 cicada emergence

While 2024 has already been dubbed the “Year of the Cicada,” the title is especially apt for Illinois as a dual explosion of cicadas will hit parts of the state, with an overlap of two major broods and an emergence that hasn’t been seen in centuries.

The rare event, which could bring billions of cicadas to the surface, only occurs once every 221 years.

Read the rest of this article here:  

I don’t know where they got this gif of me…

Stephen B. sent us this article in answer to the question I asked, no this is not the article I was talking about in the opening, that’s a different article I’ll get to in a minute, this is the question I asked about the recharging road in Sweden.  Actually a couple of others also sent me articles, but I got his first and I liked this article and the other article wanted me to shut off my ad blocker and accept cookies and other things that I don’t like doing so you guys are getting this link.

Sweden’s building an electric road that could charge EVs while driving

And like Stephen pointed out to me, I’ll point out to you, notice the word “could”.

Electric vehicle sales are expected to grow hugely over the next few years, so European countries are now racing to install enough infrastructure to keep them charged. 

Sweden is planning to build a first of its kind, permanent electrified highway by 2025 that would enable EVs to charge while on the go.

And again, read the rest of the article here.  (You are supposed to click on the word “here” and it’s supposed to take you there.  I’m trying something different this time and it should work.  If it doesn’t, my apologies and I’ve ruined the whole thing.  But, we’ll fix it next time, I guess.  But from all appearances, it SHOULD work.  So, go back and click on the word “here”)

And this one is from Stephanie again… and you’ll never guess where Stephanie is from?  I’ll give you one guess.

Mississippi: 35 Facts They Never Taught You In School

https://www.movoto.com/blog/35-mississippi-facts-they-never-taught-you-in-school/

That one’s kinda subtle.  But think about it…try singing it.. there you go!

Just because he is adorable!

This one comes to us from Leah and admittedly it’s a little weird.  No, I’m not making any connections there and you shouldn’t either.  Here’s the headline and the first bit of article:

Stinky situation: Farting passenger on plane allegedly causes flight to turn around

A gassy man apparently caused a big stink aboard an American Airlines fight, according to a viral social media post.

The plane eventually turned around and the passenger was asked to get off the plane, Reddit user lamgalatx wrote.

We all breathed a sigh of relief when he was removed,” lamgalatx noted.

The stinky situation reportedly happened on Jan. 14 during a flight from Phoenix, Arizona to Austin, Texas.

Okay, you’ll have to click here to get the rest of it.  It’s a cute, quick, short read.  Thanks Leah.

Lynn sends us this one.  And I wonder if there is a difference between the Humane Society and the Humane Society of the United States?

You’ve probably seen ads from the Humane Society of the United States: Slow, sad music and pictures of needy dogs and cats that your donation will help—supposedly. In reality, these ads are perpetuating a massive deception on animal lovers. Only 1% of the money raised by the Humane Society of the United States is given to local pet shelters, and HSUS runs zero pet shelters of its own. Despite calling itself a “humane society,” it is not related to the numerous humane societies in towns and counties across America. Thanks to name confusion and misleading ads, however, HSUS collects millions from unsuspecting donors and local shelters get shortchanged.

How little of the money raised by HSUS goes to pet shelters in your state? The map below, which was made using data from HSUS’s tax return to determine the amount of grant money going to help local shelters care for pets. And if you’re wondering where the money does go, here’s a start: Over $100 million in Caribbean “investments,” a multimillion-dollar bribery lawsuit settlement, and a big fat paycheck for CEO Wayne Pacelle.

When I did a google search of “Is my local Humane Society affiliated with the Humane Society of the United States, I got this answer from the Humane Society of the United States:  Local Humane Societies and SPCAs are independent entities and aren’t run or overseen by the HSUS (or any other national entity).  The HSUS works with and supports local shelters in many ways, but running local animal shelters is not why we were founded.  So, do not take out your frustration of the HSUS on your local Humane Society of (fill in the blank) County that you have been supporting all this time.  Thanks Lynn!

AHHHHH ANOTHER EXCUSE TO PLAY MY FAVORITE…..!!!!!

YES!

Okay, so THIS is the article that Stephen B. sent me that I wanted to rant about!!!  But, I’m now REALLY short on time and I’m not even half way done with this issue.  So, I’ll  tell you what the subject line of the email he sent me was:  WHAT??????????   And my response was:  Unbelievable!!!!!!!!  And here’s what he sent me:

Seattle has agreed to pay $10 million to 50 demonstrators who sued over the police department’s heavy-handed response to racial justice protests in 2020, in a settlement announced by attorneys from both sides Wednesday.

Now, here’s the link: LINK  And now, you must go and read the article, because when I tell you that the police may have used a little bit of excessive force to the MOB, but I really don’t blame them.  They were NOT peaceful protestors.  This is pure craziness and just another example of  everyone buying into the whole craziness.  Sure, let’s all agree how great the emperor looks in his new clothes.

“These stupid scavenger hunts get worse every year.”

It has been said that, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times.

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re looking for a used car.

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his five- year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather……………and unto the Soonnn………and into the hole he gooooes.”

RING! RING! RING!

* Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave…

       Is this the water department?

* Yes Ma’am, for most of this area…

       Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water…

* I’ll try and help…

       Why are my nipples getting so hard?

* You’re not really serious…

       I AM SO!!  My nipples… they’re hard and they have this white coating on them!

* Uhhhh, huh… hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh… stuff…

       Not only that, they’re getting warped!

* I see…

       They used to be soft, pink and round!

* I’m sure they were…

       Now they really look disgusting!

* I’m sure they do…

      So I want to know what you’re going to do about this!

* I really don’t think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

       Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!

* I see… uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

       He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that

* Sounds painful… can’t you just sponge them off?

       Painful?!  THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I’M TALKING ABOUT!

* Now I understand…

       Are you going to buy me new ones?

* Why would we do that?

       Because your water ruined these. My baby won’t suck them anymore. He’s been sick and I think it’s from the white stuff… he used to really suck…

* May I ask how old your baby is?

       He’s six, going on seven

* Six… and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he’s getting a little old for the bottle…

      DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!

* I wasn’t. How long have you been using these nipples?

       Since he was born

* Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water… kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple… and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years…

So! You are refusing to pay!

* Well, that’s not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

       THEY WOULDN’T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!

* There is really nothing more I can do for you…

       JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?

* Well, why don’t you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim…

       What good would that do? Will they give me the money?

* They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not…

       Well, you sure haven’t been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?

* Just show them your nipples!

I got Goat on a Boat…anybody got anything different?

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here’s a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads. 

A child’s behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent. 

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time.  Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time. 

The choice of a preschooler’s best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house. 

A child’s enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent’s enjoyment. 

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home. 

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year—unless it is the only food in the fridge. 

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor. 

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.

Has more chins than lives.

Joe from NJ sent me this form in email…I’m kinda hoping it was a mistake…. Joe…you got something you need to talk about, buddy?  A country you’re planning on overthrowing?

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. About you.

[_] Mr.

[_] Mrs.

[_] Ms.

[_] Miss

[_] Lt.

[_] Gen.

[_] Comrade

[_] Classified

[_] Other

First Name: …………………………………………

Initial: ……..

Last Name:……………………………………………

Password: ……………………….. (max. 8 char) Code Name:………………………………………..

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ………. ……….

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20.. /……./…..
4. Serial Number:…………………………………..
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalogue / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / maneuverability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Iraq

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Iraq

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Miscellaneous Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal check

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveler’s check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defense Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers; please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Defaulting on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division.

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs.

If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the Collie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert.

Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

NHL player who refused to wear the pride rainbow, Ivan Provarov had his jerseys completely sell out on NHL Shop and Fanatic.

America Hates Wokeness.

Does anyone remember…way back…when one of the channels on TV every night at 10 pm would come on and say, “It’s 10 p.m.  Do you know where your children are?”  I almost want to say it was NBC because I seem to remember it with the peacock.  Just checked and according to Wikipedia, which I don’t trust as far as I can throw it, from the late 60’s to the late 80’s and on a lot of different channels, so the whole peacock thing for me might have been a local thing.  And it all started because most cities started to enact a curfew in response to a rise in crime.

This is from brother Joe.  Some of this are old, but they are all cute as can be.

What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something completely innocent and they are so serious? These have to be original and genuine – no adult is this creative.

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. 
Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you just look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.  She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked, ‘How much do I cost?’

MARK (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at the older lady for a while and then asked ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked, ‘What happened to the flea?’

CHARLOTTE (age 5) was the only young girl taking a karate course with a class of little boys. One night after a karate session her father noticed she was limping in pain. When he asked what was wrong, she replied, ‘I think I got kicked in the nuts.’

This particular Sunday sermon…
‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four- year-old-girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

Supreme Court Rules Texas Must Replace Barbed Wire With Giant Red Carpet

U.S.·Jan 23, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

NOGALES — In yet another 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court has ruled that Texas must remove all barbed wire along the border and replace it with a massive, plush red carpet.

“How will migrants be able to get in the country if there’s barbed wire in the way?” said a visibly confused Justice Sotomayor. “They might get hurt! An elegant red carpet makes much more sense. It’s soft and red and can helpfully point the way to gaps along our border and make our new migrants feel welcome. It says that in the Constitution somewhere. Like, in Section 3 Article B or whatever.”

The border patrol responded to the ruling immediately and is now hard at work cutting gaps in the barbed wire fence and rolling out a red carpet across the border. “Hooo boy! This is just like in the Hollywood picture shows!” said one officer while rolling out a carpet for a small band of Al Qaeda operatives and Somali pirates. “Welcome to America, friends! You’re all stars to us!”

The ruling also specified that migrants be supplied with limousines, bodyguards, and expensive gift bags filled with face creams and jewelry. “It’s the least we could do,” said Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. “It says that in the fourth paragraph of the 38th Amendment, I’m pretty sure.”

At publishing time, Texas Governor Greg Abbott had desperately attempted to deter migrants by lining the red carpet with bear traps.

Sounds just like Orlando

Bride: “The two best things that I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings.” 

Groom: “Which is this?”

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.

It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”

SAN ANTONIO, TX — With the Biden administration challenging Texas’ right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

“This is why we remember The Alamo,” said Governor Abbott as the wire was unrolled. “Because you never know when a senile President will refuse to allow us to defend our border from invasion. Also, because it’s a really handy marker if you get lost in downtown San Antonio. The Riverwalk gets so confusing.”

Though some questioned Governor Abbott placing The Alamo at the heart of his defenses, Texas has rallied around the governor’s plan. “Sure, the Alamo fell once,” admitted local woman Mandy Timmons. “But Davy Crockett didn’t have razor wire, or a massive, heavily-armed citizenry. I like our chances.”

According to surveys, Texans have for decades now been praying for something to finally trigger secession. “Pretty much every Texan wants to secede, we just needed a reason,” explained local man Raul Gonzales. “It always seemed like secession would be such a hassle, what with all the paperwork. I’m so glad we finally got the little nudge we needed.”

At publishing time, dozens of Texans had reported that the ghost of Davy Crockett had been seen lurking on The Alamo walls at night, watching the horizon.

“Four years ago, my cousin ran for a Member of Congress.”

“What’s he doing now?”

“Nothing. He got elected.”

Prayer for Husbands

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford.

Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do!

Prayer for Wives

Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us.

Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs.

Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do.

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”. The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.”

And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back.

“A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

 “You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at  the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into  his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight.

Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

“Wonderful!” said the congregation, “Marvelous!”

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, “Get back in there, and don’t come out until you’re told!”

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

I LOVE that one!!  And that is oh so true!

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month programme that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex – just as demonstrated on TV.

Dear Alcohol…

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you’re even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.  Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips. (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it’s completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:

This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don’t like when I’m sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:

If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I’m with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m.-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.

Joe, we really have to talk, my friend.

So, it’s now very late, I got home from picking up my Izzy Dragon a little while ago and I am ready for bed.  I was SO Mad this morning.  I had just started to have this dream about Mary and my alarm went off!  I actually shut it off and laid there and tried to go back to sleep to get back into the dream and figured I’d be late to work or even call in sick or whatever —

And I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Wow…what a disappointment.

Anyway, I got a letter from the Social Security Administration today addressed to my brother and I guess, according to the letter, he applied for disability and was approved.  According to the letter he was to start getting checks in the amount of two thousand and some odd dollars a month beginning in February.  So, of course, my first thought is they don’t know he died.  So I call and have to fight my way through their computer menu first: “Customer Service!”

“I understand you’d like to speak to someone, but if you tell me what your call is about, perhaps I can assist you quicker.”

“Um… okay… report a death.”

“Okay, I understand you’d like to plan a murder.  For pre-planned murders, press 1, for accidental deaths, press 2, for pre-planned that appear to be accidents, press 3, for suicides, press 4, for all other deaths, press 5, for something else, press 6, to hear this menu again, press the star key.”

So I press 6

“Hello, welcome to the Social Security Administration help line.  How can I be of assistance today?”

“I want to speak to a human being!”

I understand that you’d like to reek of string beans.  I’m sorry.  I’m going to have to connect you with a customer service representative since I don’t know how to handle that request.

After a truly ridiculous amount of fake computer clicks and snaps and transfer sounds like I was being switched to a switchboard on Mars and back again…I swear I wouldn’t have been surprised to have heard Lt. Uhura’s voice ask if I needed to be beamed up…another computer voice comes on and says:

We’re sorry, all of our representatives are busy helping other customers at the moment.  Your current estimated wait time will be approximately 45 minutes.  If you’d like to leave a call back number press 2 or you can stay on the line.  If you leave a call back number, you will not lose your place in line.

Now, I’ve never had great luck leaving a call back number so I almost always hang on the line and let the hold music play, but theirs’s was some truly horrendous and scratchy hold music.  So I took a chance, recorded my name and they already had my number and I hung up.  I figured if I did get a call back it would be twice what they told me.  But surprisingly, right at around the 45 minute mark, (I didn’t really time it all that accurately, but it was fairly close) I got a call back and was put on hold again for about 5 minutes and this great guy named Michael came on the line.  He actually was helpful and nice, spoke English and actually joked back at me when I cracked wise with him.  So, that’s the good news.  The bad news is that SSA screwed up big time.  Because when I told Michael what was going on, he told me that they already knew my brother was dead.  I said, “Oh good.  So you guys have a handle on this and I won’t worry about it.”  He he said no, I’m going to put you on hold for a minute and check on something.  That proceeded to be me on hold for 25 minutes on and off for the next 30 minutes of our phone call.  The bottom line being that yes, they knew he was dead, but somebody decided to send him payments every month anyway.  Now, they owe his estate back pay for when he was still alive, but they haven’t even figured out yet how much that is.  This was not back pay they were sending him.  This was his regular monthly disability pay.  Even though they knew he was dead.  Like Michael told me, if I hadn’t called them and got this stopped before it started and the checks started showing up, the paperwork mess for his estate (for ME!) would have been HUGE!  Even though it was them that messed up.  He said the only thing he can figure is that some new kid at the local office messed up and did the wrong paperwork.

I told him that would have been in Florida, and Florida is such a screwed up state that it wouldn’t surprise me at all!  It is SO bad there, I can’t see how anyone lives there!

And there was a long pause on the phone and I said, “I’m gonna feel really crappy if you live or are from Florida.”  and he comes back with, “Tallahassee”.  And there’s another long silence on the line and then he starts cracking up and he says, “Nah, I’m just kidding.” and we both laugh and that’s what I mean that he poked back, which I thought was GREAT!

Anyway.  That was my adventure with the SSA today, and now I’m falling asleep and you guys are going to be able to read this in about 2 hours so I need to hit the rack.  May God Bless you and Keep you until we can meet again.  And may Goodness and Mercy follow you all the days of your life.

And like Yukon Cornelius told me just a little while ago, read your Bibles people!  And pray!