Dragon Laffs

Well, it’s Saturday and I’ve been in all day because #1 it’s too darn hot out and #2 I really don’t feel great today. 

I do want to give a shout out to my Izzy Dragon.  We’ve been cleaning out the house and have made like 3 or 4 trips now to Goodwill to drop stuff off.  Stuff as in car loads of stuff.  A ministry partner of mine said that if we run across any toys, she could use them for a client of hers that she is counseling for grief.  He is on a very fixed income (ridiculously low) and when he has to watch his grandkids he has no toys for them. So Izzy gathered up some of her stuff, got some stuff at Goodwill, and bought a couple of little things new, put them all in a plastic tub with a lid (to act as a toy box) and now I’ll be giving these over to her at church tomorrow.

And she did it on her own.

And she’s technically unemployed right now.  Although she starts her new job on Monday while you guys are reading this.  She will be working out on base with me.  Well, not with me, but on base.  I’m really proud of her.

So far, I’ve gotten some memes and stuff from you guys.  Not from any new people yet, but more from some of the regulars, so that’s something.  So, come on folks…

 

In the meantime, let’s get to the stuff you’ve already sent me…

Okay, we’ll do it.  We have to.  Ahem… how many of you didn’t get the last one, by a show of hands?  Uh huh.  That’s what I thought.  Maybe this will help…

Originally recorded in 1966…I was 8 years old.

Here’s an oldie but goodie from Aussie Pete.

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn’t even know. 

When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. 

An old  bitter looking man approached me and said, “Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.” 

Then he passed his hand over my head and left. 

My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honors to his friend. 

When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! 

I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. 

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life for the better.

That guy that died all those years ago had a twin brother !

If you don’t get that one, read Jonah.

I had gotten that Calvin quote from someone and it touched me deeply.  I tried very hard to find a graphic to put it with, but was unsuccessful.  A few weeks later this picture shows up and I thought, this is perfect!

Rugged!!!

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.

The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors and yesterday afternoon was typical. “I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.  I waded along the edge of a lake, pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles, got sand in my shoes and my eyes, barely avoided stepping on a snake, climbed several rocky hills, went to the bathroom behind some big trees, ran away from an irate mother bear, and then was chased by an angry bull elk.” 

“The mental stress of it all left me shattered.  At the end of it all, I drank a scotch whisky and three Manhattans.”

Amazed by the story, his doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!!!”

“No,” the man replied, “I’m just a really, really lousy golfer.”

My personal scribe.

That one got me all the way through.

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” 

Albert Einstein (1879 – 1955)

Pop Smith sent that one and it’s called Welder Fun.

Louisiana Law 

One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise

That is SO CUTE!

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: 
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels 

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: 
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.” 

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: 
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” 

At a Proctologist’s door 
“To expedite your visit, please back in.” 

On a Plumber’s truck: 
“We repair what your husband fixed.” 

On a Plumber’s truck: 
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..” 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 
“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: 
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?” 

At a Towing company: 
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.” 

On an Electrician’s truck: 
“Let us remove your shorts.” 

On a Maternity Room door: 
“Push. Push. Push.” 

At an Optometrist’s Office 
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” 

On a Taxidermist’s window: 
“We really know our stuff.” 

In a Podiatrist’s office: 
“Time wounds all heels.” 

On a Fence: 
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.” 

At a Car Dealership: 
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” 

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” 

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: 
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” 

At the Electric Company: 
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don’t, you will be.” 

In a Restaurant window: 
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.” 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.” 

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
“Best place in town to take a leak.” 

DUCK!

Saw that one coming!

A guy goes into this diner, and it’s not too clean. 

The waitress comes over, and she doesn’t look too good, either.

He figures he’s not going to take any chances, so he orders two hamburgers and a hot dog. 

Well, a few minutes later the waitress comes over with the hamburgers under her arms. 

He asks, “What are the hamburgers doing under your arms?” 

She says, “I’m keeping them warm.” 

He says, Cancel the hot dog.” 

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. 

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk. 

“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” 

“So how does feeling the roof help you?” He asked the drunk. 

“Well,” the drunk replied. “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!” 

Why, oh why is it always Bob?

THOUGHTS ON LIFE

Why are things typed up but written down?

We had Cured Ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of. 

Why do people say they “worked like a dog”?  Our dog just sat around all day. 

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea? 

I’m a light eater.  As soon as it’s light, I start to eat.

I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise …  so now I watch tennis. 

Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV? 

How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

I’m going to try the Atkins diet in 2024 because my end no longer justifies the jeans.

A true classic!

The Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s up with the big brass gong?” one of his guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed…
“You idiot! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. 
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. 
We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign. 
Weird.

Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. 
Kids these days will never know that fear.

My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” 
I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”

She said she missed me. 
Normally that would be good but she’s reloading.

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus …
And that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. 
Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes,  …
Just as long as you don’t have to go too.

I now know how it will all end for me, …
One of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I met my wife at a singles night. 
I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

I want someone I can share my entire life with …
Who will leave me alone most of the time.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” 
We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, …
I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

World’s Shortest Fairy Tale: 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said “No.” 

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot. 

THE END 

Let’s start with an article sent in by Lynn.  I’m going to warn you right up front, it’s a bit rough and hard to read.  It REALLY pisses me off.

2 migrant men from Venezuela were just arrested in Texas for murdering 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray.  Jocelyn was found in a creek after going missing Monday. Police say she was likely raped before being strangled to death.

One of the illegals came into our country just a few weeks ago and was released by the Biden administration.

SAY HER NAME: Jocelyn Nungaray

Every single day we see these stories. When is enough enough?

You’ve got District Attorneys like that idiot in New York who let’s them out of jail or refuses to prosecute, and yet we the January 6ers who are in prison now for four years with NO TRIAL, NO ACCESS to lawyers.  And you have 70 year-old grandmothers who are being put in jail for YEARS for praying at abortion clinics for the lives of unborn babies.  Yet, the lawbreakers that are in our country illegally can literally get away with MURDER and we welcome them with open arms.

Thank you, Lynn, for sending that in with the pictures. Much appreciated.  Now, on with the rest…

And in celebration of the last little bit of PRIDE month…

Let’s close the political section out with a beautiful picture…

Texas Law 

It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

 

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kind voice in her ear: “How are you, darling? What kind of a day are you having?” 

“Oh, mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess, and I’m supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight.” 

The mother was shocked and all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in a half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll feed the baby and call a repairman who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.” 

“George?” said the housewife. “Who’s George?”

“Why, George! Your husband!…Is this 223-1374?” 

“No, this is 223-1375.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.” 

There was a short pause, and the housewife said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?” 

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. 

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was. 

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?” 

“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked. 

“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded. 

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’ before.”

This breaking news article is from Joe in NJ.  It’s entitled:

Tank 1, Car 0

MONDOVI (WQOW) – A man was arrested after reportedly crashing a UTV into a military tank in Mondovi Saturday.

According to a press release from the Mondovi Police Department, they received a report at around 12:49 early Saturday morning that a UTV had crashed into a tank at Veterans Memorial Park.

Officers found the Polaris UTV had crashed head on into an M60 Main Battle Tank on display at the park

The investigation shows the UTV left the roadway, went over a curb, and hit multiple signs before crashing into the tank.

The tank was not damaged.

The driver was identified as Christopher Shultz of Mondovi, and was arrested for operating a UTV under the influence of an intoxicant. Schultz was the only person in the UTV and refused EMS evaluation.

The police department said both speed and alcohol are believed to be factors in the crash.

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. 

Hans ran inside to get help, yelling “Mom! Dad! Come quick! There’s a Franc in Stein! 

That’s it for tonight my friends.  There may or may not be an issue on Thursday.  They are getting to be so hard any more.  I may start just posting on Fridays and Mondays.  I’ll have to think about that.  I really don’t have any time for anything any more.  My writing has all but dried up, my reading, my studying…oh I don’t even want to talk about THAT!!!  LOL.  But this is so very important to me…so maybe we’ll try Fridays and Mondays and see how that works.  What do you guys think?  And maybe I can share some of my writing with you inbetween.  Let me know.  And in the meantime…

Well, here it is Thursday.  Today’s issue has gone out and I am already working on Saturday’s issue because I am determined that it is going to be a full and complete one.  Yes, I was a bit disappointed in today’s issue.  So far, I haven’t gotten any comments or anything, which in and of itself is nether a good thing nor a bad thing, but usually I get something.  So, I guess we’ll wait and see.

It’s early enough that I don’t have anything special to share with you guys, so let’s move on to the funny stuff and see where the rest of it leads us.

No!  Nope! Na ah! Not happenin’! No Way! No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No!

“John, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” whined Suzy.
 
“Huh?” John responded.
 
“Look around you!” she yelled as she pointed around the room. “All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don’t even know I’m alive!”
 
“Oh. I’m sorry.” replied John.
 
“You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you’d at least look at me.”
 
“Hmmm,” John mumbled in deep thought, “that’s not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.”

Hallmark cards you won’t see….but would probably sell.

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas…
INSIDE: I hope it’s your sister.

OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

GRANDPAS ARE DIFFERENT

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his granddaughter on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

“Not really, Pa… it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, weirdo, piece of shit, horse’s arse, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip shit, wanker, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!” We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

“Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.” 

Bill Cosby (1937 – )

John Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” 

Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

Massachusetts, Boston Law 

 An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. 

A useful guide for hangover descriptions 

1 star hangover * 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries. 

2 star hangover ** 

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. 

3 star hangover *** 

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once. 

4 star hangover **** 

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. 

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) ***** 

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe…very gently.

Not bad as far as descriptions go.  Could probably use an update.

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. 

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. 

Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

“Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten.” he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

 One remarked to her colleague, “You know the person that did this really needs help.” 

Absolutely amazing!!

I agree with the sender of this picture…I’d have to lose weight before I could live here.

That’s just a bit too close for me.

What’d you do this weekend?
Oh, my ass was just hangin’ out.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/jiRxGGjQ7u1kRC2x/?mibextid=0VwfS7

Good advice no matter what is going on.

This next one is so appalling, so terribly, terribly sad, that I’m not sure I even want to show it.

But I think I have to.  

I don’t understand why the Jews are hated so terribly.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Q: How do you cure bed wetting? 

A: An electric Blanket. 

Rachel, completely fed up with her husband’s Internet obsession finally takes matters into her own hands. 

One night as Morris is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. 

She pulls open the coat and yells, ” Your Time for Super Sex!”

He ignores her. 

So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!”

Finally Morris replies….. “Ok, I’ll take the soup.” 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND “GUYS” 

Men: know what they want to be doing five years from now. 
Guys: are not sure what they want to do later tonight. Okay, so for this one I’m a man and a guy.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. 
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. This one is more guy than man. Disliked Rather and golf.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. 
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school. This one’s a draw.  I detest ties and will go out of my way to the point of avoidance to not wear one, but do wear shirts with buttons and shoes with laces and at my age, still have shirts (and wear them) from high school.  There is a Moody Blues Concert T-shirt that I’m particularly fond of.

Men: balance their checkbooks. 
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.  All man on this one.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. 
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.  And all man on this one.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. 
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.  Hmmm, neither one?  I’m not afraid of becoming my father, I haven’t, and the other one is childish.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. 
Guys: pretend you’re not there when their moms call. Mostly man I suppose on this one.

Men: order wine based on more than the price. 
Guys: bring their own beer. Both here.  I know how to order wine that I like, or that YOU would like, and when appropriate, I will bring the beer.

Well, hurmph.  I really thought I was going to start a man rant with that one, but it didn’t manifest itself.  Man-i-fest itself…see what I did there?  LOL!  No?  Okay…

We just got a new recruit in the squadron who is younger than my grandson…I’m now officially REALLY old.

But, that’s okay.  I REALLY ROCK REALLY OLD!  LOL!  (I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.)

Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one of them on the foot. 

The fisherman screamed, ‘An alligator just bit off one of my toes.’

‘Which one?’ his buddy asked. 

‘How do I know!’ the wounded angler friend said in disgust. 

‘All alligators look alike to me!’

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.  

I called room service and ordered some soda crackers.  

When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious.  I called room service and raged, “I know I’m in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!” 

“The crackers are complimentary,” the voice at the other end cooly explained.  “I believe you are complaining about your room number.” 

Well, that’s it.

I do have a request…or maybe a warning of a kind.  Believe it or not, I’m running really low on memes and cartoons.  Of ALL types.  Political, regular, all kinds.  I don’t know that it’s ever happened that I couldn’t publish an episode because I didn’t have any material, but that might be the future if I don’t get more submissions.  Now, I have gotten more particular and the rules are rather stringent and the episodes have gotten a little bit longer, so all of those factors may have contributed to my sudden lack of stuff… so my request to you guys is probably rather obvious…

And I know that most of you know where to send it, but for those of you who don’t know here is the email address:

Do not…DO NOT send pictures and such to the comments section of the website or the email.  By all means, send comments!  I love to read your comments, but when you send pictures, memes, links, things like that, about half the time I don’t get them.  This is THE best address to send stuff to me, to write to me, to contact me, to complain to me, to call me names, all of that stuff!

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com

And for the best experience in reading the blog …the ezine…the episode … is to go to the website itself at dragonlaffs.com and read it there.  

That’s going to wrap it up for today.  I hope you found that this one was a little better than the last one.  

Well, this is going to be another Thursday.  I even have…had? Wednesday off work because of the silly Juneteenth holiday and it’s STILL going to be another Thursday issue.  I got up early because a buddy of mine was supposed to meet me at my house to help me get the Ivy down from the top of my chimney.  I think I told you the other day that my insurance agent strongly suggested that I do a few things around the outside of my house in order to stay in good standing with the very good insurance company that I have.  One of those things was to get the ivy off the top of the chimney.  I had already gotten it off the side of the house where it had taken over.  

It’s not really ivy, Izzy Dragon says that it’s Virginia Creeper.  Now, after looking it up on line:

I’d say, Yup, that’s exactly what it was.  As you can see on the picture on the left, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this insidious beast, it grows crazy fast and gets EVERYWHERE and from the picture on the right, the little tendrils that come off the stems and runners work their way into the cracks in the siding and the bricks and, well, let’s just say that it is harder than the mortar holding the bricks together and I’m glad I have access to some chemicals that aren’t available on the open market.  It’s nice being a CBRN survival specialist.  Some of those wartime chemical weapons work out quite well as pesticides and weed killers.

(And for you alphabet agencies that are out there monitoring every word that comes out of my mouth lately, IT’S A BLOODY JOKE!!!!  I figured I’d point that out to you since you’ve proven yourself too stupid to figure it out on your own)

Actually, 3 of the second generation warfare agents, developed by Nazi Germany before and during World War II started off as German Pesticides.  Tabun (GA), sarin (GB), soman (GD), and a sub group called cyclosarin (GF).  Known as the G-series of nerve agents, not as potent as the V-series.  And I should stop talking now, because this is NOT what you signed up for today and I have NO time left at all…which is what I was in the middle of explaining, but my mind is just not cooperating today.

Anyway, my buddy was supposed to come over and help me with the weeds on the chimney and I was going to scrub the moss off the siding…the green color that gets on a lot of people’s houses if you don’t take care of it.  Well, long story short, 5 guys (adults) and 1 teenager showed up with their power tools and what not and the bushes were trimmed or removed, the front was all taken care of completely!  They did SO much more than I expected.  Cut down one little tree that I thought I was going to have to handle on my own, plus two scraggly old bushes that I’ve been meaning to do something with and trimmed up the rest.

I, of course, showed my talents, while turning around to help, tripped over the damn garden hose and fell, AGAIN!  My balance is awful.  It’s a good thing that my bones are unbreakable and I say that in all seriousness.  I’m built like a tank structurally.  There just ain’t no meat left on this tank no more.  

Anyway, after they left, I had some special chemical spray that I sprayed on the side of the house to get rid of the stains and then rinsed back off.  It did a pretty good job, but I’m going to need to do it again, probably tomorrow or the next day.

Then I got assaulted with text messages from my group last night and my ministry partners asking for help and then Izzy wanted to clean out more boxes for Goodwill and some kids we’ve been made aware of that needed toys.  And that brings us up to know with me running out of time before I have to go to the jail tonight and there won’t be any time left to do a proper issue for tomorrow, Thursday… Another Thursday where things don’t work out.  

I’m gonna need to do something about Thursdays, but for now, let’s do this so I can at least get SOME funnies out before I have to go.

Yeah, I think we’ve used this one before, too.

This one comes to us from Joe from NJ…

We’re starting to see the AC cooler ads again. Shows a ‘cube’ shaped device that claims to cool any room in minutes. Average price is around $100. They are trying to pass it off as an air conditioner. IT’S NOT! No compressor or other components of a true air conditioner. Do your homework and save your $$$. As usual, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Okay, I’m going to tell you right now, this is such a fantastic video, you need to find a quiet spot you can watch this and really pay attention to it for the 18 minutes it takes for it to run.  Thanks to Leah for sending this to me.  It really meant a lot and helped me a lot.

Yup, I think we’ve seen that one before, too.

That one may be a bit subtle for some of you.

I’m in such a hurry, it was the next one in line.

This one is from Aussie Pete!  I will admit that I didn’t get it.

          MID-WEEK  MOVIE  TRIVIA

Two very different ROBERTS but they have a connection in two very different movies.

ROBERT MORSE starred in the movie ‘HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING’ and ROBERT DE NIRO starred in the movie  ‘TAXI DRIVER’

So, what is the connection between ROBERT MORSE singing the song  ‘I BELIEVE IN YOU !’  and ROBERT DE NIRO saying, ‘ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?’?

Scroll down for the answer.

 

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ANSWER …………

 

 

They were both talking/singing to themselves in a mirror.

Nice!

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.
 
So the father goes to his son’s room and says “Son do you rememberthat session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette ?”
 
“Oh yes papa, I remember very well” says the son.
 
“Well son it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing”

And sadly, that’s all I have time for.  I apologize that’s all there is, but there is something.

Until next time my friends.

Wow…just spent the last couple of hours going through a bunch of pictures I created when I was a dispatcher for the State Police and when I was in Tech School for the job I have now.  I was trying to motivate people and make them laugh way back then.  State Police was 2004 to 2007 and Tech school was also in 2007.  Here’s just a couple of the pictures from the dispatcher days…

Did that one because the trooper was off duty and called in for stopping a drunk driver.  When he needed transport he made mention that he stopped the vehicle while out riding his bicycle.  We never did get an explanation from him as to how he accomplished that feat.

Three brand new troopers (at the time, heck, they may be thinking of retiring by now)

And three of our older troopers at the time.  I had to modify the top of the picture because it had their names on it.  LOL!  That’s all I need is to get sued.

I will say that the guys and ladies that I worked with during that time were some of the best and finest people I had ever worked with anywhere.  As proud as I am to be a veteran and to still work for the Air Force, I am just as proud of my time as a 911 dispatcher.  It was probably the most satisfying job I ever had.  Sadly, it was also probably the worst paying job I ever had.

I put the guys from Tech school in a LOT of weird places when they were dressed out in their MOPP gear.

The only other civilian in my class was a fireman from Cheyenne Mountain.  You know, the place where the Star Gate was supposed to have been hidden… so of course, this picture was a natural.

And one more of me…on a moon near Jupiter.  I’m the one on the left.

Now, enough of that, let’s get to the other stuff.  I’ve got some stuff that I want to rant about, but for right now, let’s get some laughing in.

Okay, this first one just astounded me.  I can’t believe that someone could possibly be THIS stupid.

It boggles the mind.

Simon Cowell was shocked to see Elvis Presley resurrected to perform on stage, But What Happened Next Was Even More Mind-Blowing  Simon even called this: “THE MOST INCREDIBLE ORIGINAL ACT EVER”  Thanks to Lynn for sending this one in.

Yeah, that’s what I always say.  I don’t run.  If I can’t drive for my life, than I’ll stand my ground until the last round is expended and then meet my Lord with bended knee.

There is the truth…right there.  Which is why I say, over and over, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIAN CHURCH.

If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following: 

A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.  Okay, so I’m OCD, it should be 1.6 kilometers

Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward. 

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child. 

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.06 kilometers.  Again, 1.6 … I’m sure it was just a typo

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. 

A very rich man died with no will.  The widow was talking with his lawyer.

“You were with him when he died?” asked the lawyer.

“Yes,” the widow replied.

“If I knew what his last words were, I could divide his possessions better among your children and yourself,” the lawyer told her.

“Very well,” said the widow, “If it will help, he said, `Don’t try to scare me, you couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'”

We have such a difficult time at things…

In our celebration of days the other day, we forgot about Flag Day.  That was on Friday the 15th.  

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. 

But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. 

Or maybe just polish it all the time.

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”

The Father thought for a moment. “Yes Son,” he replied, “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the- road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok… no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign… until he asked, “So… is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “no I’m delivering’ a bridge… here’s your sign.”

Why do I feel like that’s the 4th time I’ve run that last cartoon in the last couple of issues?

What?  That last meme?  Oh, it’s just wrong on SO many levels.

Why is it always the pretty girls who have the sharpest swords?

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

7. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”  AMEN!!

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

12. You should not confuse your career with your life.  True!  But sometimes very, very hard to do.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.  Very true.  Also analogous to the shopping cart theory.

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.  Way too true.  Sadly.

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

17. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

I’ve been asked to make this special announcement:  We don’t know who has been laying these devious traps, but we’ve lost 3 of our local deputies today alone.  The first one was funny, but it’s not funny anymore.  Please stop.  There will have to be mandatory overtime if it doesn’t end soon.

Documented proof that slaves built the pyramids and not aliens.

It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one. 

Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, “I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.” 

Confused by his buddy’s comment, Bill asked, “Oh? Why were you wondering about that?” 

Jim explained, “Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week.” 

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Bob was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Bob’s wages to pay for the repairs.

“How much will it cost?” asked my uncle.

“About $4,500,” said the owner.

“What a relief!” exclaimed Uncle Bob.  “I’ve finally got job security!”

Always!  It’s always Bob!

And I’m going to put this next one right in line where I found it and read it.  And I will tell you how true this thing is and how much it broke my heart while it was making me cry.  And I’m going to thank Joe from NJ from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with me and allowing me to share it with you.

Something different – an interesting poem . . .

Cranky Old Man Poem

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.  Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. 

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in magazines for Mental Health. 

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem. 

                              Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses?         – What do you see?
What are you thinking              – when you’re looking at me? 
A cranky old man,                    – not very wise, 
Uncertain of habit                     – with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food              – and makes no reply. 
When you say in a loud voice  – ‘I do wish you’d try!’ 
Who seems not to notice         – the things that you do. 
And forever is losing                – A sock or shoe? 

Who, resisting or not                – lets you do as you will, 
With bathing and feeding         – The long day to fill? 
Is that what you’re thinking?   – Is that what you see? 
Then open your eyes, nurse    – you’re not looking at me. 

I’ll tell you who I am                  – As I sit here so still, 
As I do at your bidding,            – as I eat at your will. 
I’m a small child of Ten            – with a father and mother, 
Brothers and sisters                 – who love one another 

A young boy of Sixteen             – with wings on his feet 
Dreaming that soon now          – a lover he’ll meet. 
A groom soon at Twenty          – my heart gives a leap. 
Remembering, the vows           – that I promised to keep. 

At Twenty-Five, now                 – I have young of my own. 
Who need me to guide             – And a secure happy home. 
A man of Thirty                         – My young now grown fast, 
Bound to each other                – With ties that should last. 

At Forty, my young sons          – have grown and are gone, 
But my woman is beside me    – to see I don’t mourn. 
At Fifty, once more,                  – Babies play ’round my knee, 
Again, we know children          – My loved one and me. 

Dark days are upon me            – My wife is now dead. 
I look at the future                    – I shudder with dread. 
For my young are all rearing    – young of their own. 
And I think of the years            – And the love that I’ve known. 

I’m now an old man                  – and nature is cruel. 
It’s jest to make old age           – look like a fool. 
The body, it crumbles               – grace and vigor, depart. 
There is now a stone                – where I once had a heart. 

But inside this old carcass       – A young man still dwells, 
And now and again                  – my battered heart swells 
I remember the joys                  – I remember the pain. 
And I’m loving and living         – life over again. 

I think of the years, all too few – gone too fast. 
And accept the stark fact         – that nothing can last. 
So open your eyes, people       – open and see. 
Not a cranky old man.              Look closer . . . . see . . .          – ME!! 

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too! 

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart!

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
 
How is she now?

She’s fine. But, the dog died.

And if we held a minute of silence for every victim of every despot, political monster, evil dictator, or supposed scientist with a vaccine we were forced to take, we would never hear another sound…ever.

Well said, Captain

Minnesota Law

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

or

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
 
“Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny.
 
“Well, son” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”
 
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?”
 
“Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love.”
 
“But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you.”
 
“I don’t understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?”
 
“Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

More Mistakes From New English Language Students
 
“In some countries, you should only drink the water that a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad, but it will not have poison.”
 
“My father is a highly rank government official.”
 
“This morning, I was walking outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!”
 
“We won two gold medals, one silver, and four blonds!”
 
“Please execute me for being late.”
 
“I never liked mushrooms, but now they are starting to grow in me.”
 
“Such behavior will result in immediately being exploded from the university.”
 
“The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.”
 
“My landlord gave me a one year contraction. It will be over soon.”
 
“I can usually know when he is lying because he starts to breed a little faster.”
 
“I don’t know if he will propose, but I am expecting.”
 
“Last night, when I ate dinner, I started joking. My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped. I was so lucky he was there!”

So I got in a discussion the other day with some guys at work who were setting up for some sort of celebration.  I told them that they shouldn’t be doing that, that it was a waste of precious time.  The military should not be celebrating Pride month, if that indeed was what they were setting up for. 

I also don’t believe we should be celebrating Black History month. 

No, I’m not a white, far right racist.  I don’t think we should be celebrating Pacific Islander day or week or whatever they get or ANY of that stuff.  I do think we should recognize superior performers because it is them that the rest of us should emulate, but the rest of it is a waste of time we don’t have. 

Let me explain. 

Point #1: Less than 8% of the population will EVER be associated with the military in any capacity and less than 1% is currently on active duty right now.  That means AT BEST that 8% of us are standing in front of the 92% protecting them from the evilness in this world.

Point #2: Everyone’s job, either directly or indirectly in the military is to kill people.  If you can’t wrap your head tightly around that and be right with it, go find another job.

Point #3; As far as the military is concerned, we couldn’t care less what color you are, what your heritage is, what your sexual preferences are, as long as you keep them OUT of the work place.  But one thing that does count is how you treat your fellow military member.  There are going to be times that you are in very close quarters.  The stupid GAMES that the 92% can play about bathrooms and genders and CRAP like that don’t apply to us.  There may be times when everyone, men and women have to share the same restroom, locker room, etc.  And anyone who takes advantage of that situation would be and should be dealt with harshly.  That’s the way it SHOULD BE.  

Which all leads us to Point #4:  YOU HAVE TO BE THIS TALL TO RIDE THIS RIDE!!!  That’s not discrimination, it’s not racism, homophobic, anti … ANYTHING!!!  The fact of the matter is, YOU HAVE TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO DRAG MY BUTT OFF THE BATTLEFIELD WHEN I’M STUPID ENOUGH TO GET WOUNDED!!  I don’t care if you are orange with purple polka dots, so long as you can drag me and my equipment (most especially my weapons) back to the friendly side of the dotted line.

And we are so far behind in the “get ready to fight a war” or the “building up our military might” races against China (enemy #1) and Russia (enemy #2) and Iran (#3) that that is all we should be concentrating on.  Did you get me?  THAT IS ALL WE SHOULD BE CONCENTRATING ON!  We shouldn’t be having diversity classes.  We shouldn’t be having classes on feelings.  We shouldn’t be celebrating Pride month, Black History Month, Polish American left handed basket weaving day or any of the rest of that.  We SHOULD be firing our weapons, or fixing our jets, or loading and unloading our bombs, or cooking our meals, or setting up and taking down our tents, or any of the other wartime taskings that EVERY AFSC or MOF (I think that’s what the Army calls them) has.  (AFSC is Air Force Specialty Code.  In other words, your Air Force job.  I am a 3E9X0 or Emergency Manager.  They’ve changed the codes from when I was active duty.  Back then I was a 462X0.  In place of the X goes your skill level.  A 1 level is someone who hasn’t even been to Tech School yet, but has just been assigned to the career field.  3 level is a Tech School graduate.  5 level is able to perform duties on their own, has completed their CDCs.  7 level is advanced and 9 level is the equivalent of like a college graduate with that degree.  Okay, that was a fast aside and WAY down in the weeds)

But, ALL of this is to say that if our government doesn’t get their collective heads out of their butts and start emphasizing the military part of the military instead of the feel good NONSENSE of the woke STUPIDITY that the 92% have to deal with, then it won’t make any difference what they want to do because there won’t be a United States of American left anywhere to DO IT in.

And THAT has me more frustrated than anything else in my life right now.

God help us all.

It’s a big weekend.  Father’s Day is tomorrow, yesterday would have been the 14th anniversary of Leprechaun Laffs is our brother Lethal had survived his wounds.  And Monday is the 18th anniversary of Dragon Laffs.  Needless to say, it’s a pretty a big party weekend around Dragon Laffs headquarters.  I’m trying really hard to get this issue done on Friday night and I can’t find a sober goblin or a straight fae anywhere around this place.

I think there’s actually a passed out editor under a table that I’m going to need in just a little while.  I’m going to need to find a big bucket with ice water and another big bucket of coffee.  So, let’s go ahead and get the laughter going while I try to sober some of these…

HEY!  Watch out for that drunk guy on the floor!  Stop stepping on him on purpose!  Well, yeah, if you want to draw on him with permanent marker, that’s okay. Yes, I think glasses on an owl bear is very funny.  Ha, ha. 

Sheesh, see what I mean.  There’s going to be an entire weekend of this.  There usually is.  But it doesn’t normally line up with Father’s Day and an election year.  There’s a Biden effigy burning in the dining room and a Trump effigy burning on the balcony and a couple of others that I don’t even recognize.  Yeah, we pretty much detest all politicians around here.  We were really liking a couple of people and following them pretty close but they all kind of dropped out…as we knew they would because they couldn’t stand up to the machines.

HEY!  NO!  WE DO NOT DO THAT STUFF AROUND HERE!  YOU WANT TO PULL THAT KIND OF STUFF AND SHOVE YOUR NAKED BUTT IN SOMEONE’S FACE JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE PASSED  OUT AND YOU’LL BE LOOKING FOR A JOB SOMEWHERE ELSE AND ONLY THEN IF YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE FASTER THAN I CAN BREATH FIRE!  YOU UNDERSTANDING ME BUDDY??!!!  

Everyone in my employ is protect by me whether they are conscious and upright or they are passed out drunk and they all know it.  That’s one of the reasons they feel free enough to cut loose when they have the opportunity because most times I work their butts off.  Laughter is hard work around here.

Anyway, I’m going to go make the rounds while you guys laugh for a little bit.

I’m not sure if I’ve recently used this next one or whether I’ve just recently read this next one.  So, I’m going to run it again, because I know I didn’t have the picture to go with it.  So, if you’ve seen it from me recently than I apologize.  If you haven’t seen it from me recently, than thanks to Leah D.

According to a 19th century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: “It’s a marvelous day today”! The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful.

They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: “The water is very nice, let’s take a bath together!” The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.

The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein, its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbors no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.

The world famous painting- “The Truth coming out of the well” Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896

Iowa, Marshalltown Law 

Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants 

I really want to know how/why they felt it necessary to enact this law.

A friend of mine claims this happened to a friend of hers: 

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.  And you have one cheap wedding present! 

So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. 

The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, 

“Lady, you can only do this so many times!”

Selma and Irving receive a wedding invitation in the mail.

Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.

All was fine until they reached the last line.Confused, Irving asks Selma, “Selma, vat does this”RSVP” mean?”

Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn’t remember. Finally, she cries out:

“Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means “Remember, Send Vedding Present!”

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. 

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it.

He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.” 

“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked. 

The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”

Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker? 
A. In case they have to draw blood. 

And speaking of farts… (yeah, I know…) here’s a comment on the website:

Wow!  I would LOVE that!!!

Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

I saw a headline or a tweet or something where one of those famous chefs threw him out of his restaurant.  I couldn’t find the story because I was on the way to a meeting, let me see if I can find it now… oh man!  It was a satire post!  Darn!  Okay, moving on.

Ohio, Marion Law

You can’t eat a donut and walk backward on a city street

Okay, there’s another one where you gotta wonder…WHY?

LOL!  The perfect Father’s Day meme.

Here’s an oldie that’s been around for a long time.  …  Okay, so that was a pretty dumb statement.  If we’re calling it an oldie, that literally means it’s been around for a long time.  Man, I’m tired.  I think I’m the only sober person left.  I’m exhausted and need to go to bed.  Let’s try this again with just the normal picture, shall we?

WHY IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You don’t care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too “icky”.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Why Some Americans Should Not Be Let Out Of The Country (Actual comments from US travel agents……)

1). I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

2). A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

3). I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … clicks.

4). A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

5). I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

6). Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the Gates to save time.”

7). A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8). A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9). I just got off the telephone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10). A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

11). A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

12). A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy.  

At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English.

He then asked: ” Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French? “

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: ” Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German. “

The group became silent.

And that is all for today my friends.  I’ll try and put one together for Monday if I can find anyone sober enough around here to run the presses.  Until then, may I wish all you Fathers a wonderful day on Sunday and until we meet again…May God Bless you all with comfort, love and happiness.