So, instead of scheduling that issue for Thursday, I published it instead. And you are going to get Monday’s issue tomorrow. And I won’t have time to put anything together for Thursday…. so …. 

Uggghhhh!  Sorry!

Well, today is Sunday and I know you won’t be reading this until Thursday, but with things being the way they are and the fact that I have jail on Monday, FBI on Tuesday, and jail again on Wednesday … well, that just kinda leaves me today to get this issue done or you won’t have one for Thursday.  

I just got home from church and am back on the news. Other than the fact that we’ve lost 3 American Service Members, 48 members of their leadership have been taken out, there is no news.  

So, that’s new…pro-Iran … well, let’s be honest, Anti-American protests in Pakistan and Iraq…oh, and in New York. Mamdani is an Islamic, Socialist, liar. Most of the people in New York with half an ounce of brains are starting to realize this, but look … you guys got what you voted for.  I like the Fox News Headline that’s on my other screen right now: “Mamdani’s response to Trump’s Iran strike sparks conservative backlash: ‘Rooting for the Ayatollah’.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

A N Y W A Y . . .

Let’s get to the fun stuff, shall we?  

Here’s an oldie, but goodie. 

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.   So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again.  I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man.  I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow!  8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that’s silly.  We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right.  I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling.  Took all day.  Goddamn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey.  I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March.  I think they’re lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.  By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she…nuts???  Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?   She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.  Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she’s an idiot.   If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to about 0.  Still snowed in.  THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in.  That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother.  9″ more @#$%@#% snow predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house.  No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

Definitely #8

When I discovered I was holding the Tazer the wrong way, I was stunned.

I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.

I exercised once, but found out I was allergic to it!

My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath.

Very dangerous!

Remember when we used to wait until 9pm to talk to people for unlimited minutes?

20 years later, we all pay for unlimited minutes and don’t call anyone.

Paper plates ain’t got nothing to do with struggling. I just don’t like washing dishes. I wish I could use paper pots, too.

I thought doggy style was kissing while eating spaghetti.

Due to the cold weather and snow, there will be NO farms closed. Each and every farmer will be out in the blistering cold and blowing wind tending their livestock. They will be praying for machinery to work, non-frozen waterers and warm healthy animals. If you know a farmer or if you ate yesterday or plan to eat again today, Thank and Pray for the farmers.

Yeah…and?

And that’s it my friends.

I’m wrapping it up and calling it an issue.

I am, once again, almost out of time to get this issue out to you for tomorrow, Saturday, so I’m going to rush to put it together. But, before I do, I have a special message.

To Chuck G., a dear old friend who I spoke to on the phone yesterday (today for me, Friday) who is a regular reader of the show. Brother, you said you sent me some old pictures that you found to the email address, but I checked all my emails and I don’t have them. Could you PLEASE resend them to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com. I’m not sure what address you have, but whichever it is, I didn’t get them. It might be an old address that I don’t monitor anymore or don’t have access to anymore. I’m so very sorry. But I’d truly love to see those pictures.

Anyway, on to the show!

Okay … that’s a good question … and it bothers the heck out of me since I just not an hour ago finished a bacon cheese burger that was delicious. … Now I feel a little sick.

This started out as an email titled: A replacement for the blonde joke. Then it got out of hand. So, rather than break them up, here they all are:

Florida Law

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 

A man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, can never go back to its original dimension. 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., (1809 – 1894)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” 

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.” 

Georgia, St. Mary’s Law

No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

The Italian immigrant went to the doctor to complain that he wasn’t sure how to make his new wife pregnant. 

After struggling with language problems, the doctor simplified his advice just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest. 

Two months later, the Italian came back to complain that it didn’t work. 

“I’ve been sticking my nose in her armpit every night,” he said, “and nothing’s happened.”

See, there’s two ways of looking at that. In MY class, you wouldn’t be able to get IN the class if you are late. Because my class is participatory and I’m not starting over if you’re late and everyone else was on time. My class is also military, you’re EXPECTED to be on time, I don’t care who you are. I’ve chased Majors away who’ve shown up late. He wasn’t happy, in fact, he spread a rumor that I would let him in because he wasn’t early enough. That I said if you weren’t ten minutes early you were late, which wasn’t true. That is the way I feel and what I’ve said, but never held anyone to. See, in my class, it’s easy.  My class starts at 0800. Reveille plays over all the loud speakers on base at … you guessed it … 0800.  It’s REALLY EASY to know if you are late to my class or not. The Major was about ten minutes late. I also asked him what sort of example he was setting for the younger airman by showing up late. Why not just take the no-show and reschedule. He didn’t appreciate that at all. Oh well. As a civilian specialist, I don’t answer to him and I don’t care. I have a job to do and I do it…very well.

The other way of looking at it, why would the teacher ever ask, “Is that my fault.” The correct way of handling it, if you are going to let them enter late, then don’t draw attention to them, let them enter OR tell them, “You’re late, get out, reschedule.” like I do.

For all those looking for a new puppy, you may be impressed by all the new dogs available as a result of creative cross-breeding. The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the Kennel Club 

        Collie + Lhasa Apso
        Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport. 

        Spitz + Chow Chow
        Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot. 

        Pointer + Setter
        Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet. 

        Great Pyrenees + Dachshund 
        Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. 

        Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
        Peekasso, an abstract dog. 

        Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel 
        Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air. 

        Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever 
        Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists. 

        Newfoundland + Basset Hound 
        Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors. 

        Terrier + Bulldog
        Terribull, not a good dog. 

        Bloodhound + Labrador
        Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. 

        Malamute + Pointer
        Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway. 

        Collie + Malamute
        Commute, a dog that travels to work. 

        Deerhound + Terrier
        Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end. 

        Bull Terrier + Shitzu
        You figure this one out! 

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. 

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, “Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ?  You look as if you’re about to kill someone.” 

“I am !!!” Lori fumed. “You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. 

All summer long, that clown had me convinced that ‘foreplay’ involved tossing a coin for position.” 

I before E

Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Weird.

And that’s it my friends. I’m out of time, strength and patience. I’ve got to get some sleep so I can get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Be well my dear friends and Chuck, send me those pictures! LOL!

I have to apologize.

I’m in a mood today.

I’m writing this on Sunday and things are weighing heavily on my mind today. I have been reliving … things. There is no special dates or anniversaries or anything.  Things have just been … on my mind.  I’m reliving too much. WAY too much.

So, what do you say we get to the good stuff, so that this old dragon can do a little bit to change his attitude.

Ha! Amateur!

There are people in our government who are just like this.

Okay, as reminiscent as this is of the Mark of the Beast, which is the first thing that I thought of when I saw this picture, when I checked it out this is what I found out.

Amazon One is a biometric palm-scanning technology introduced by Amazon in 2020 that allows users to pay, enter locations, and verify their identity by hovering their palm over a specialized scanner. It acts as a digital, contactless, and, according to Amazon, highly secure alternative to physical wallets, credit cards, badges, and tickets. 

Note on Status: In January 2026, Amazon announced it is discontinuing the Amazon One palm-scanning service for retail businesses, with services officially shutting down on June 3, 2026. However, it may continue to be used in certain, non-retail contexts (e.g., specific security or healthcare applications).

Not Wendy’s!!!!!

Worms

Thanks to Lynn

The Myth of the “Emergency Evacuation”

When we see dozens of earthworms stranded on the pavement after a downpour, the logical assumption is that they came up to avoid drowning.

 

The Biological Reality: This is a complete misunderstanding of their anatomy.

Earthworms, such as the common nightcrawler (Lumbricus terrestris), do not have lungs. They rely entirely on cutaneous respiration—they breathe through their skin. As long as the rainwater is oxygenated, an earthworm can survive completely submerged for days, or even weeks. They are not running away from the water. They are exploiting it.

The Scientific Reality: The UV Trap

An earthworm is a deep-dwelling (anecic) species, but it relies on the surface for food and movement.

The Frictionless Highway: Crawling across dry ground is a physical impossibility for a worm. The friction would tear its delicate epidermis and instantly drain its internal moisture. Rain creates a temporary, zero-friction film on the surface of the earth. This allows the worm to glide across the ground, covering distances in a few hours that would take days to tunnel through heavy, compacted clay.

The Solar Paralysis: The true danger of the sidewalk isn’t the puddle; it is the sun. Earthworms possess light-sensitive cells along their bodies (negative phototaxis). If the rain stops and ultraviolet (UV) rays pierce the clouds, the light acts as a neurotoxin. The worm is literally paralyzed by the UV exposure before it can reach the safety of the grass. It is a traveler struck down by the light, doomed to desiccate on the concrete.

What is Happening Right Now (February)

Why take this massive risk in the late winter?

In many parts of the United States, February brings the first significant thaws and heavy, saturating rains.

The Energy Equation: When the soil hits maximum saturation capacity, the oxygen pressure underground drops slightly. It becomes physiologically and energetically much cheaper for the worm to travel above ground than to push through dense, cold mud.

The Mating Window: Earthworms are hermaphrodites, but they must physically meet to exchange genetic material. The mild, wet nights of late February offer the perfect, low-predator window to leave their vertical burrows, cross the wet leaf litter, and find a mate before the dry spring winds harden the topsoil.

Why This Matters Ecologically

The earthworm is the chief engineer of the terrestrial ecosystem.

They do not merely aerate the soil. They create the drilosphere—the millimeter-thick lining of their burrows that is exponentially richer in nitrogen and beneficial bacteria than the surrounding dirt.

Right now, their deep, vertical burrows act as a vital civil defense system. These tunnels (macropores) are an emergency drainage network, allowing heavy late-winter rains to infiltrate rapidly into the water table. This invisible infrastructure is what prevents surface runoff, stops severe soil erosion, and mitigates localized flooding.

Practical Action: The “Rescue Without Rubbing” Protocol

Move Them: They are physically incapable of digging through asphalt. Gently pick the stranded worm up (they have no teeth and cannot bite) and place it on the nearest lawn, garden bed, or under wet leaves.

Never Wipe Them Dry: The viscous mucus covering their body is quite literally their lung. If that slime is wiped off, oxygen can no longer dissolve into their tissue, and they will suffocate.

The Flashlight Check: Take a flashlight out on a drizzly February night. You will see them stretched out of their burrows, their tails firmly anchored in the hole, grabbing dead leaves to drag down into the depths. It is the ultimate recycling crew at work.

The Verdict

The worm on the sidewalk isn’t a drowning victim. It is a sprinter caught between stations because the highway evaporated too quickly.

The rain was its boarding pass; the sun is its executioner.

By moving it two feet to the grass, you don’t just save a life—you put the planet’s most indispensable worker back on the job.

Scientific References & Evidence

Soil Ecology & Drainage: USDA Natural Resources Conservation Service (NRCS). “Earthworms.” (Details the creation of the drilosphere, the formation of macropores, and their critical role in water infiltration and flood mitigation).

Behavior & Phototaxis: Edwards, C. A., & Bohlen, P. J. (1996). “Biology and Ecology of Earthworms.” (The definitive text documenting the triggers for surface migration, cutaneous respiration limits, and the paralyzing effects of UV radiation).

As a Gen Xer, I’ve walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, walked this way, walked on the wild side, walked on sunshine, walked the line and walked 500 miles.

I’ve walked a lot …

I’m tired

This one always brings a tear to my eye.

The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken’s butt and ate it must have been really hungry.

If you don’t recognize this picture, then you had a much poorer childhood then I did.

AND because they bought into a lie.

I hate waiting in lines…

I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.

When I discovered I was holding the Tazer the wrong way, I was stunned.

Yup, this one is shorter.  I ran out of time. So, until next time …

So, today is Saturday and we have another issue where it’s a race for the border … okay, probably not the best euphemism with everything that’s going on with ICE and stuff right now, but you get the idea. I have no time, but I’m trying to get this done so that you guys have an issue for Monday.

I actually got off work a little earlier than I expected, so that’s making this even possible. So, let’s do this.

We’re going to start off with something that’s not really a laughing matter. We had some stormy weather the other day here in Indiana, and there was actually a pretty decent tornado that touched down near Bloomington. Someone got a GREAT picture of it, too. 

By the way, that’s on my own personal “Bucket List”. Get a good, up close and personal picture of a tornado. I know it sounds nuts, but it is kinda my job, being an Emergency Manager and all. It used to drive Mary and Izzy nuts and now it just drives Izzy nuts when the siren goes off and I chase her and the dogs down to the basement and I grab my phone and head outside to see if I can’t get a picture.

My excuse? “Hey! I’m a professional! I know what I’m doin’!”

Anyway, check out this great picture someone got. And then the one afterward is some of the horrible aftermath. That’s always the crappy part, right?

That’s pretty bad. I haven’t heard anything about casualties, so prayers are still going out. So, now we’ll move on.

Izzy sent that one to me and it is probably the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Just imagine what this poor girl is going to go through growing up! Let’s hope she has a decent middle name she can go by.

WILDLIFE?! I ain’t Wildlife!!!

Okay, this one is from Stephanie and is well worth watching … so click

HERE

NEVER!!!!

Shameful! But, it happens.

That’s funny, because I made up Get Out of Jail, Free cards that look just like the Monopoly ones that at the bottom have the name and address of our church on them that I pass out at Jail Ministry when someone is ready to get out and invite them to our church.

Another way of looking at that is if the devil is getting in your way a lot, it’s because he doesn’t want you going in that direction.

Illinois, Freeport  Law

In the 60’s and 70’s Freeport, IL had a law that all juke boxes had to be free play. 

A tavern could have a juke box but could not charge. It had to do with the mafia moving into control things. 

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” 

His son asked,  “What happened to the flea?”

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. 

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.” 

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. 

On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David’s loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. 

“Tell me,” she said, “does it run in the family?” 

“It sure does,” replied David. “And I take after my mom.”

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees


For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”

“It seemed his career was just taking off.”


For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”

“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”


For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.” 

“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.” 

“He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself.” 


For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: 

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.” 


For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: 

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.” 

“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.” 

16 of the Dumbest Ways People Have Tragically Passed

Why does it take two weeks to take off three pounds and only two days to gain ’em back?

I don’t understand why the US stopped making pennies. It just doesn’t make cents …

I’ve been alive my whole life and not once have I seen a commercial for Chinese food.

I made it, it’s done, I’m happy, I hope you guys are, too. I enjoyed this one. Love and happiness, ya’ll.