So, what is Labor Day? Well, if you go to the Dept. of Labor’s website, they have this to say:
Observed the first Monday in September, Labor Day is an annual celebration of the social and economic achievements of American workers. The holiday is rooted in the late nineteenth century, when labor activists pushed for a federal holiday to recognize the many contributions workers have made to America’s strength, prosperity, and well-being.
And it goes downhill from there. I think it started out well enough, but nowadays it’s just a holiday to celebrate the end of summer.
Yeah, like that. I don’t include anymore from the Dept of Labor’s website because all they talk about is how the holiday was enacted and what states did it first, second, etc. But here are some pictures from the site:
That’s it. I’ll intersperse some cartoons throughout the issue as I normally do, but honestly, I don’t have much else, so without further ado…
True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home…… all the while you really wish they WERE at home!
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled. One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant isn’t working.” A man in the corner replied, “It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any.”
I LOVE IT!!!!
What do you call a cow that flies? High steaks. But if it sinks, it’s just ground beef.
What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon? One lasts for eight nights, the other sometimes ate knights.
Our dear Stephanie sent this one to me because she says she’s from this neck of the woods and says that her Mayor ought to sue for defamation of Hattiesburg!
My aunt is a church official who organizes parishioners’ personal information. Her job title is Nun of Your Business.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean… Good shape, low mileage… Only driven from time to time!
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
“My, what was that?” exclaimed the woman.
“Oh, that’s just the Presidential Seal,” replied the guide.
If this next one is true, it’s absolutely hilarious!!!
My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.
One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days.
The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.
The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues.
Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. “A black cat?” the woman said. “Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor….”
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game. ‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.’
The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: ‘Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $1000’
The blonde agreed. The lawyer asked the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer.
Then she asked the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ And went back to sleep.
The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc., all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked ‘Well, so what is the answer?’
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this issue and May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
A great image for a Saturday morning, right? A relaxing Labor Day weekend. Technically, Monday is Labor Day and I’ll do something for Labor Day in my next issue, I think. If I remember to. But the Labor Day weekend is usually the last weekend of the summer to relax, do the last big barbeque, the last get-together with friends and family, the last campouts, … but don’t forget about your friends that don’t have family to celebrate with anymore. Remember them this weekend. Reach out to those that are sitting at home, by themselves with just their memories. They need your love and caring also.
Since I said I was not going to ask for any more donations … more donations have poured in, so we’ll keep going through the weekend. Here’s what our banner looks like now:
Just wow guys! Thank you all ever so much. My heart has swelled three sizes or whatever it was that happened to the Grinch.
On another topic, I have been inundated lately with spam phone calls and text messages. Everything from Medicare, tollbooth, apple wallet scams, ALL KINDS of stuff. More than I can even remember. They all seem to know my name, which is not hard to find to connect to my phone number, but I’ll bet I get at least half a dozen a day. Are the rest of you guys going through the same thing?
I have to answer numbers I don’t recognize due to my job, which means that all the scam callers know they’ve reached an active number, which makes it worse. I never engage, I’m never rude, but I AM annoyed.
Okay, done venting.
And ALWAYS remember that God has your back!!!
Just as I arrived home after working the night shift, my wife told me to go checkout our five-year-old son’s bed. When I entered Jimmie’s room, I saw that his bed had collapsed, and the mattress was sitting on the floor.
“What happened?” I asked him.
He responded, “God did it.”
Interesting, I thought, and went back to tell my wife.
Laughing she said that when she had heard the crash, she ran into Jimmie’s room, saying, “Oh God, what have you done now?”
Me thinks a bunch won’t get this one.
Thought Of The Day:
Not Everything
“Not everything that is faced can be changed.
But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
– Jodi Picoult
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one…But when I went through her drawers and found a nurse’s uniform, a French maid’s outfit, and a policewoman’s uniform, I changed my mind. I figure if she can’t hold on to a job, she’s not the one for me.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present? Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
Thanks Aussie Pete!
Chris: How was your trip to New York?
Brian: Well, a mugger stopped me and said, “Gimme your money, or I’ll blow your brains out.”
Chris: What did you do?
Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.
Chris: Wow! He told you to give him your money or he’d blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot??
Brian: Yeah. You don’t need brains to live in New York, but you can’t get along without money.
Leah, having heard that I was now counting carbs and watching what I ate, in the spirit of unity, sent me this, which is a WEEK’s ration for one adult during WWII.
All I can say is, Man! My A1C would look GREAT! And just for GeeWhiz information, after a couple of weeks of doing this, my “estimated” A1C has gone from an 8.5 to … (let me check) 6.7. Sigh. So……….I guess it’s going well. Although my sweet tooth is KICKING MY BUTT!!!! LOL!
Dedicated to my brother, Ken.
An old Native American man needed to borrow $500, so he went to the local bank and asked to speak to the Loans Officer. The banker welcomed him and began filling out a loan application. Banker: “What are you going to do with the money?” Old man: “Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it.” Banker: “And what do you have for collateral?” Old man: “I don’t know what collateral is.” The banker explained, “Collateral is something valuable we hold in case you can’t pay back the loan. Do you have any vehicles?” Old man: “Yes, a 1979 Chevy pickup.” Banker: “That won’t work. How about livestock?” Old man: “I have a horse.” Banker: “How old is the horse?” Old man: “Don’t know… it has no teeth.”
After several more questions, the banker decided to approve the loan.
A few weeks later, the old man returned, pulled out a roll of $100 bills, and handed the banker $500. Banker: “Business must be good! What are you going to do with the rest of the money?” Old man: “Keep it close to me.” Banker: “Why don’t you deposit it in the bank?” Old man: “I don’t know what deposit is.” The banker explained, “You put the money in our bank, we take care of it, and whenever you need it, you can take it out.”
The old man leaned across the desk, looked the banker in the eye, and asked: “What do you have for collateral?”
That’s it for now my friends. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
This is going to be an incredibly fast and possibly short issue. I have a limited amount of time, but will do the best I can.
First an update, because I MUST thank the donations! Especially since we are still in August.
Here they all are:
Pop, Steven, Chris, Michael, Catherine, Donald, Stephen, Kristine, Leah, Edmund, Sammye, Kenny, Jonathon, Ted, Robert, Kenneth, Marian, Dale, Joseph, Annmarie, Alan, and Chuck…and just now, Joseph (different Joseph)…just now.
And now it’s hours later and I’ve opened the issue back up, because I’ve just gotten another donation and not to leave anyone out, I’m going to add another one in here after hours. I know you guys are reading this at the beginning of the issue, but trust me, this part came in Waaayyyy at the end, after it was all said and done, but since it hadn’t published yet, I opened it back up and want to add one more
Scott.
There you have it. Thank you to you all. If I could draw a big parenthesis around this section I would. LOL!
I had to go back and change this. Didn’t change the banner, I’ll do that for next time because I’m in such a hurry. Thank you all so very, very much! You guys are marvelous! We did a great job again this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you
This one actually brought a tear to my eye! What a wonderful story.
Absolutely! No questions asked. If that criminal is inside your house, then it becomes their problem, not yours.
How appropriate. Was he in someone’s house when he shouldn’t have been?
I am definitely, without a single doubt, going to give the code to my phone to someone to do this!!!!
Did you hear about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches? He went to the ‘good witch doctor’ who couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home. The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten anything strange. The cannibal replied “No.” “Well, what are you eating?” the witch doctor asked. “The usual,” replied the cannibal, “You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then.” “Missionaries?” replied the witch doctor. “Just how do you cook them?” he asked. “The normal way” answered the cannibal as he described the technique. “I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables” he further related. Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor, so he pressed a little further. “So, describe these missionaries to me?” he asked. “Well,” replied the cannibal, “you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot-on top of their head.” “THAT’S IT!” exclaimed the witch doctor, “That’s your problem! Those are friars… not boilers!!!”
Ain’t that the truth!
Why do hamburgers always win races? Because they’re FAST FOOD!
Yeah, gonna make one that says: Dad Joke
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home is it?”
Some will not get that one.
Today I scared the mailman by going to the door in my underwear. I don’t know what scared him more, seeing me in my underwear or the fact that I knew where he lived.
So much truth in that, thank you Jonathon.
Little Timmy loved his dog Laddie very much; they played together every day and Laddie was always there to greet Timmy when he came home from school.
One day, while Timmy was at school, Laddie crawled under the fence, ran out into the street, and was hit by a car and killed.
Timmy’s mother, naturally, was very distressed, not only by the matter itself but from wondering how she was going to explain this to Timmy.
As Timmy walked through the door a few moments later, his mother mustered up her courage to speak to him. “Son, I have bad news. Laddie is dead.”
Timmy paused thoughtfully for a moment, shrugged, then said, “So, what’s for lunch, Ma? I’m starved.”
“My, what a brave little boy you are!” his mother replies with relief. “You’re certainly taking Laddie’s death well.”
Upon hearing this, Timmy suddenly bursts into tears, his body racking with sobs, and says, “I thought you said Daddy.”
I think I’m going to stop recommending this by saying how funny they are. I think I’m just going to do this…
When I was at the gym yesterday, everyone kept asking me why I was always sitting still on the stationary bike. I’m going downhill, dude, mind your own business.
You have no idea how many times I’ve printed this out on card stock and passed this out in the jail, and at my other ministries.
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.
“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”
“Get this.” said Sam to his friends, “Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
“Did he get anything?” Greg asked.
Sam said, “Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.”
Greg wondered, “Whoa! But… how???”
Sam replied, “Well, it was really late at night and Anni thought it was *me* coming home drunk!
We did it! Congratulations all around! And with 4 minutes to spare. So, until next time, may you all be blessed by our dear Father in Heaven with Peace and Prosperity, Love and Happiness, Comfort and Health until we meet again.
Got a message from Leah where she answered my egg question. She says she gets her eggs at $2.72 a dozen. See, I think that proves my point of there no longer being this crazy egg shortage or conspiracy or whatever-the-heck.
Yeah, I know, good morning everyone, heck of a way to start the conversation, jump right in talking about eggs, but if you could only walk a little ways in my talons…or better yet, like Pop Smith said last issue, spend 3 minutes in my head, that’ll freak you out.
Yes…YES…it’s been a weird couple of days.
I’m trying my very best to get through it. I don’t really have any other choice, now do I? I went to one of my ministries tonight. Nobody showed. I know, what does that have to do with the price of eggs in Gnaw Bone? (That’s an Indiana joke, by the way)
My tinnitus is LOUD as … I don’t know what … but it’s driving me up the wall. I can usually ignore it, or at least push it to the back of my mind, but for some reason it’s more annoying than usual right now. I know, another useless bit of information. I’m just running out of things to say.
Shoulda said good morning first. But for now, let’s get on to the fun stuff and I’ll work out the weird stuff later.
So, this is a long one with a lot of pictures. It is a well known story to a lot of us in “The Business”. Thanks to Wouter for sharing it.
Here is one brave Air Force Pilot, Captain Kim Campbell. Her A-10 suffered extensive damage during Operation Iraqi Freedom in 2003. For her actions, now Major Kim Campbell received the Distinguished Flying Cross.
One of her exploits in Warthog combat.
The damage to her A-10 Warthog occurred on 7 April 2003 while flying a mission over Baghdad. She did her job along with the troops on the ground and as she was flying out she felt her A-10 get hit. It was pretty obvious as it was very loud. At that moment her A-10 lost all hydraulics instantaneously, and it rolled left and pointed toward the ground. This had to be a very uncomfortable feeling flying over Baghdad.
The A-10 did not respond to any of my control inputs. She tried several procedures to get the aircraft under control, none of which worked. Last Captain Campbell put her plane into manual reversion, meaning she was flying the aircraft without hydraulics. The aircraft immediately responded and started climbing away from the ground. This had to be an awesome feeling to Captain Campbell as you don’t want to eject over Baghdad. With some technical advice from her flight leader, Lieutenant Colonel Turner, she flew the injured plane for an hour back to the air base. Captain Campbell stated the jet was performing exceptionally well and I had no doubt in my mind I was going to land that airplane. Landing was tricky as when you lose all the hydraulics, you don’t have speed brakes, you don’t have brakes, and you don’t have steering.
On the ground it was discovered that her A-10 had sustained damage to one engine and to the redundant hydraulic systems, disabling the flight controls, landing gear and brakes, and horizontal stabilizer. A detailed inspection revealed hundreds of holes in the airframe and that large sections of the stabilizer and hydraulic controls were missing.
General Richard Myers, USAF, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff stated Captain Campbell is one of the few pilots who ever landed the A-10 in the manual mode.
Now who says women can’t be fighter pilots in the US Air Force. (No one! Dumbest thing I ever heard.) Let’s hear it for patriot Kim Campbell.
The A-10 was so riddled with antiaircraft fire over Baghdad the repair team couldn’t save the jet, so it was dismantled and shipped to Davis-Monthan.
This wonderful aircraft proved with the right pilot it will get you back home no matter what. And the Air Force wants to retire the A-10 even after it has undergone major renovations.
Having worked on this beautiful fighter for many years myself, I can tell you that the pilots that fly in her love her, the ground troops love seeing this Warthog overhead and as a load toad, I enjoyed putting armament on her and sending her on her way.
I didn’t realize that August 21st was Senior Citizen’s Day. Not that I’m sure I would have found a reason to celebrate that, anyway…but here we are, about a week late … which might say something about us forgetful older folks … um … what were we … oh yeah … I think this picture is adorable, so we’ll let it go at that. Happy Belated Senior Citizen’s Day, ya’ll.
Read this next one ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!
Boyfriend: I will never lie to you, dear. Girlfriend: How sweet! Boyfriend: Now you tell me a lie.
Magic Genie: I am a magic genie. I will grant you three wishes. Me: Genie, I wish you were bad at math. Magic Genie: Your wish is my command! Okay, you have nine wishes left.
Yup … these are the things that keep one up at night.
Just one more in the MANY examples of why Germans don’t play Scrabble.
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.
The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin… writing the answer… flipping the coin… writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: “Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?
“The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: “Shhh! I am checking my answers!”
You know, in a weird way, that actually makes sense. The problem is, statistically speaking, he’s going to get an F, based on a standard grading scale because he’s only going to get half the answers correct…actually…thinking about it…he only has a one in four chance of getting the correct answer in any given flip. He’d do better to just guess at each one.
I always took it as a suggestion … but that’s just me.
Yeah, yeah … we’ve heard it all before …
That’s also one of the ways you can tell that the Bible is the truth. What other “spiritual” book is so full of embarrassing stories?
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”
Do I even need to say it?
I was a compulsive gambler. I finally quit and told my best friend that I would never gamble again. He turns to me and says, “Wanna bet?
HEY!!! There’s NOTHING wrong with wanting to hear Freebird!
Screenshot
A man was selling his house and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading.
After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all that it says here?”
The agent said, “You most certainly have… why do you ask?”
The man replied, “Cancel the sale, this house is too good to part with!”
While fixing his roof, a man fell off the ladder.
After meeting with his wife later, he told her that four ribs were broken.
“Four ribs broken?!” she gasps. “Which hospital did you go to?”
“I didn’t have to go to the hospital.” he replies.
His wife stares in perplexity. “Four broken ribs and you didn’t have to go to the hospital?”
“No, it was the fella I landed on who broke four ribs.”
My mate recently got divorced from his wife. They decided to split the house. He got the outside.
And that is it for today my friends. May you live long and prosper. May God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you. Until next time.
Cause I went home sick. I really don’t feel good…in fact, I feel like garbage. I think it’s a combination of things.
And that’s where I ended things on Tuesday. Now it’s Thursday and I’m home from work again. I feel better, but just need some time. I don’t want to go into everything here, but things are getting better.
Let’s catch up on a couple of things.
We are up to 19 total donations! That is awesome! I’m so proud of you guys. I truly am. We’ve gone over the top again this year. And here are our heroes:
This is it. Last request. With the story. The deal always was that there would never be advertising on the website, that we would always pay for things outright. And I would keep doing this as long as once a year, I asked for donations and once a year you guys would cover the expenses. As soon as that didn’t happen I would know that my time had passed and I was no longer needed/wanted. I started doing this many years ago and you guys haven’t let me down yet.
I know some of you take it as a sign of respect and of participation and I’ve tried to tell you that it doesn’t matter to me if you donate a fifty cents or fifty dollars it was all looked at equally and I hope nobody felt like it was an obligation.
Three ways to donate … I think we’ve only found three right now, although there is that cute little villager who still stops at the back of the castle with cart load of marinaded steaks that I like so well … but I digress. Three ways to donate: First, go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right is the donation button that takes you to my PayPal where you can donate. Now, you don’t need a PayPal account to use this, but I’ve heard tell that some folks don’t like to use PayPal and/or put their credit or debit card there. For them we have options two and three which both involve getting ahold of me via email at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com where I can give you either A) my snail mail address to send a regular check (or cheque if you are British) or B) the correct email for transferring money through Zelle, which is NOT impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com, by the way.
That’s it. By all means, if you have any questions … or comments … feel free to write to me. I don’t always immediately respond since, you know, I have a real job and ministries and stuff that I take care of, but I do respond as quickly as I can. Always within a day of two.
So, without any further ado,
Izzy’s flowers. She’s so very proud of these. Goes out every day and looks and tends to them.
I think I should mention here, just in case there’s someone from the younger generation watching here, that that last meme was SARCASM or parody maybe. But not honesty. DO NOT try that at home for crispy bacon.
I feel really bad that I felt it necessary to mention that.
Don’t mess with Bob’s personal space…I’m tellin’ ya!
A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, “I’d like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there’s a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree.”
The president nodded agreeably, “That’s not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!”
The rich man said, “An honorary degree for my *horse*.”
“For your horse???”
“Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I’d like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation.”
“But . . . we can’t give a degree to a *horse*!”
“Then I’m afraid I’ll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution.”
“Well, wait a minute,” said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, “Let me consult with the school’s trustees.”
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition.
All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief — except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, “We can’t give a *horse* an honorary degree — no matter HOW much money is involved.”
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, “Take the money and give the horse the degree.”
The president asked, “Don’t you think that would be a disgrace to us?”
“Of course not, ” the wise old trustee said. “It would be an honour. It’d be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse.”
I love this one!
To: All Staff From: Administration Re: VA Hospital Costs
In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.
1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.
2. Our phone operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.
3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT and other services. Please form a “train” by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.
5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several aspirin prior and drink a six-pack of your favorite brewskee before to arriving at the hospital for surgery.
6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but returned if the bedpan is returned clean.
7. To reduce patients’ lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient’s needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.
8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters’ jackets and these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can live with.
10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor – not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.
11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE “How to…” series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen’s photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen’s will honor all competitors’ coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, our new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.
16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.
17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.
18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.
19. The hospital chapel will close down permanently so be sure to look up the number to “Dial-A-Prayer” if the situation arises for a spiritual consultation.
20. Please make sure you take a long hot shower or bath before staying with us because the hot water will be turned off permanently. If you’re well enough to take a shower or bath, you’re well enough to be at home.
21. With the recent finding that elevators use more electricity to go up and less to go down, please fit as many people as possible in the elevator before leaving the ground floor. The elevators will be programmed to go up only once an hour.
If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.
Administrator: Edward Scizzorhan Veterans Administration Hospital: Flat Bush, Texas
Very much truth.
Understand this. I can’t say this enough. Understand THIS! We are all doomed to hell, each and every one of us, it is ONLY through the Mercy and Grace of God, and the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ and our willing acceptance of that sacrifice by the repentance of our sins do we escape our destiny in hell.
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient. Immediately, the patient launches into: “Some hae meat, and cannaeat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit.”
This continues with the next patient: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rousbeastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa saehasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!”
“Well,” the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrected him, “this is the Serious Burns unit.”
1 Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; 2 By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; 4 And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:
In Ancient Rome here were 4 types of poison. Poison I, II and III would all kill you. However, Poison IV, would make you really itchy.
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I don’t recognize this court!”
“And why not?” asked the Judge, sternly.
“Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”
Especially not from THAT movie.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo. After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory… I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone of voice.
I have questions … serious questions.
“You should meet my husband. He makes a living with his pen.” “Oh, so he’s a writer?” “No, he raises pigs.”
A five-year-old boy surprised his father one day by saying, “I guess I’ll go outdoors and play ball with God.”
“Tell me, how do you play ball with God?” the father asked.
“Oh, it’s not hard at all,” answered the boy. “I just throw the ball up and God throws it back down to me.”
And that brings us to the conclusion of another fantastic issue of yours and mine favorite ezine. May your day be Blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 