Okay, first shot at the new and condensed, but more often produced Dragon Laffs.  I have no idea, nor plans to see how this works out, this is just a go with the flow kind of thing, so let’s see what happens and…

Joe from NJ sent this and I know I’ve used it before, but it is one of my all time favorites.  It is one of the funniest jokes I’ve read.  And I agree with him that it’s older than I know.  So, here goes..

This is older than I can remember:

_______________

 

To Whom It May Concern;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

46 Drunk People Passed-Out in Public

That one is very funny!

More like a 21 day free trial, but … there you go!

This is unconscionable!  

UnitedHealthcare sparks outrage after allegedly denying claim from patient in coma

Who were the 5 House Republicans who didn’t vote!?!?

I’m currently listening to President Trump’s inauguration speech.  I hope he gets to do EVERYTHING he says he’s going to do.  Close the border, send back the illegals who are criminals, official policy being only two genders, stop the stupidity in the military (that’s a big one for me), and drill baby drill!

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

-Thomas Edison (1847-1931)

I just love this next picture:

I would have done the same thing!!!!

So sad…I wonder how many of them knew Christ when they died.

TWELVE STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my bank account because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

There is so much truth in that meme.  When you hurt from the moment you wake up, to the moment you go to bed and then even throughout your sleep, so that even your sleep is not restful, and people wonder, why is it that Impish is such an angry dragon…therein lies your answer!!!!

One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons.

They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children.

Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. Let’s call the boys Towards and Away, suggested the fisherman.

His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it’s time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.”

They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned.

Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as her husband.

My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

“We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”

“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible, horrible fish!”

“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”

Impish Dragon can do it in 3 words before Aussie Pete can do it.  Here’s his 3 words:

Meanwhile, in Australia!

This one brings a tear to my eye because it was just over the weekend that I was so overly reminded of things that I could no longer do.  I won’t go into details, but TRUST me.  It is NOT fun for us.  And it is a HUNDRED times more frustrating for us than it is for you who have to put up with us, wait for us, or are behind us as we try to do what it is that you find so easy and we USED to find just as easy.

My deputy, who is also a farmer, and an elder at our church deserves your thanks and your prayers.

Have you seen a recent commercial for Viagra?

The guy comes home, he’s rushing around, he’s cleaning the house, he’s cooking dinner, he’s setting the table, he’s putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home.

Don’t you think that most women watching that commercial say, “The heck with the sex. Where can I get a pill to make my husband to do all of that?”

This is beautiful.  If Mary was still alive, I would definitely get this for us!!!

Oh, this is so true of me!

Scientists reveal all the evidence Adam and Eve really DID exist

Okay, so that’s it.  That’s probably more than I can do on the average day, since I have the day off today, but what do you guys think?  Truly, give me your feedback.  What if it was about half that much?  I think I could do about half that much every day…maybe every other day.  What would you guys feel about that?  Seriously, let me know.  

I love you guys.  Be blessed.

It’s a snow day today!  So I’m teleworking…working from home.  Which is actually quite interesting if you think about it, since I am an Emergency Manager.  

We have an emergency going on!

No problem!  Your base Emergency Manager is on duty!

What is your assessment of the situation?

Um…I have no assessment…I…um…am working from home today.

Yeah, it’ll work out GREAT!  LOL.  I guess it’s a good thing that I’m only ten minutes or so away.  And with the base closed there won’t be any emergencies, anyway.  Great fun.  I’m writing this issue so far ahead, it is a moot point by the time you guys read this anyway.  So what do you say that we just jump right into our laughter, shall we?

This is very true.  But it really doesn’t help us at the time we are going through the bad times and is quite difficult to focus on at the time.  It is only afterward that we can look back and see it.  But it is there.  Trusting God to protect us, even in … ESPECIALLY IN … the bad times is key.  We may not know how it’s all going to turn out, but by trusting Him, we know we will be protected through.

This truly ticks me off!  Thanks goes out to Ted for providing the link.

Outrage as Biden set to award Hillary Clinton, George Soros with Presidential Medal of Freedom

I can’t think of two more undeserving, traitorous people to award that medal to!  Well, that’s not true.  I can think of MORE undeserving people, but still….  These two are definitely in the top five!  This is getting outrageous.  As of this writing, we have 11 more days of this nonsense.  I can’t possibly imagine the trouble this evil man is going to cause over the next 11 days.

North Carolina, Charlotte law

Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

I’m embarrassed that these guys are an offshoot branch of my Air Force.

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, “What on earth have I done?”

He began to ponder, “How am I going to bring back my beloved family?” So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.

He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, “Doc, how are they?”

The doctor replied, “Comfortable!”

IZZY DRAGON!  It’s YOU!!!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, “There Is No Such Thing As A Progressive Christian Church!”

Charles Dickens walked into a Manhattan bar on New Years Eve and ordered a martini. “Olive or twist?” said the bartender. 

 Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions. Yep, they’re tucked away in a journal on my bookcase.

There were several astronauts who wanted to throw a New Year’s party on the Moon. Unfortunately, they didn’t planet in time.

Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve? Because it’s too far to walk.

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.

Bringing the kids over for a play date.

This one has been around in one form or another for quite a long time.

Lorne was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?”

Old Lorne had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So…..you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. “My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today…..”

At this, Old Lorne snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time.”

The nurse fainted….. Old Lorne just smiled……

Lorne was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?”

Old Lorne had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So…..you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. “My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today…..”

At this, Old Lorne snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time.”

The nurse fainted….. Old Lorne just smiled……

Quote:

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

-Thomas Stearns Eliot (1888-1965)

This one is from Joe in NJ and I can’t help but think he’s talking about himself here …

I bought an exercise bicycle two years ago. It has an eighth of a mile on it.

See, what happened is, I discovered that the handlebars fit my sport jacket perfectly. And there’s a place for my beer and McDonald’s right under it … the most expensive coat hanger in New Jersey. 

Yeah….I’m thinkin’ I’m right…

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Okay, let’s talk for a minute my friends.  Here’s the deal.  God has called me to do a great deal right now.  Let me tell you what my week is like.  Monday through Friday I have my full time job at the base as well as working the weekend UTA one weekend a month.  That’s my day time.  Now, my evenings, Monday I have a ministry at a … let’s call it a facility since I signed a non-disclosure agreement, Tuesday I teach a class at church, Wednesday is the Jail ministry, Thursday is the new semester of FBI (but that is now at my home church which is just across the street, so that’s nice!), Friday I’m at the same facility as Monday, every other Saturday is training for 7 to 8 hours for the Kairos Prison Ministry (which I don’t know if I told you about or not…I’ll briefly summarize it in a minute), and Sunday is church, then comes Monday again, rinse and repeat.

Kairos is 4 days in March…Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday where we go in to Miami Correctional Facility…the Prison, not the Jail and spend 12 to 14 hour days bringing the Gospel to the prisoners.  It requires five Saturdays worth of training to get to the point where we’re ready to do that.  Having worked in the Dept of Corrections before I’m not that concerned with the training and will end up missing two days due to the UTAs on the base.  Anyway, more to follow on Kairos later.

Many of you have written to me expressing that you would like to see shorter issues because you don’t read the entire thing anyway and as disappointing to me as that is thinking that I’m not on the edge of your seat entertaining enough that you just want every drop of what I put out there (okay, I’m only kidding, I get it, we’re on a fast past society thing right now)  less quantity at once and more frequency might be better and it might fit my time constraints as well.

So…I’m looking at a format change.  Not sure what that’s going to look like.  You can see that today’s issue is cut short and missing some regular stuff.  I’m not sure if I’ll try to throw a little bit of everything in every issue or have special days for special stuff like political Tuesday and Motivational Monday or something like that.  I’ll have to give it a little thought…and your input would be helpful.

Ahem…I’ll repeat that … YOUR INPUT WOULD BE HELPFUL.

Okay campers, I gotta fly.  I’ve got security at church this morning.  Which means I carry a gun and a radio.  Odd, I know.  Guns in church.  What a horrible thought, but… it is, what it is.

May God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you until we meet again.

I’m sorry for no issue today.

It’s because I’m having issues.

( I’ve always wanted to say that)

We had a huge (14 hour day) exercise over the weekend and I’m tied up every night this week…and not the good kind of tied up so get your mind our if the gutter, Stephanie, … either meetings and stuff. So your next episode will probably be Monday.

But it’s all good! I’m doing God’s work this week in a big way and hopefully I’ll get a chance to tell you guys all about it!!!

Until then, be blessed, love you all and talk to you soon!!

Impish

I’m starting this one on New Year’s Day, even though you won’t be getting it until … hmm … I’m not sure WHEN you will be getting this one.  I’m a bit far ahead on my episodes right now.  Which is a good thing since next weekend is the big exercise and I’ll be working like 14 hour shifts and won’t have time to do anything.

This is weird.  Today is my last day off of my vacation.  It went by so fast.  But, time is really going by fast right now for some reason.  It’s just flying by.  That was the shortest two week vacation that I’ve ever had.  Maybe because I was sick for most of it.  Still am.

I dread going back to work tomorrow and try to catch up on everything that I will now be behind in.  It’ll be great fun. (Where is that sarcasm font?)

Okay, so New Year’s … what sort of resolutions have you guys started?  I have a couple, one of which I think I already mentioned with the chronological Bible I’ll be reading this year with another guy in the office.

So, let’s go ahead and get started with the fun stuff then since I can’t think of anything real to talk about this morning.

♪ ♫ Isn’t it ironic…♫ ♪

Please remember to help people in their time of need.  I have a friend who is a dwarf and he is struggling to put food on the table.

That was terrible!  Stooping that low to make dwarf jokes!

I just realized a lot of people don’t like to hold hands in public, especially if they don’t know you…

There are no assigned seats at church.  I’ve heard it a hundred times before.  But, even now, as long as I’ve been going to my church, I so infrequently get to sit down because I’m working security so often when I’m there, and I don’t have family that goes there, and I don’t want to sit with my married friends because I feel like I’m intruding, so I don’t have a regular seat.  The rare occasions that I do get to sit, if I sit in someone else’s seat, you can really tell.  They don’t say anything, but you can tell.  LOL!

Just saw a girl with six lip piercings at Walmart…It took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

And I say, “Come now, Jesus!  You can’t come soon enough!”  My friends and fellow campers, if you are not ready, right now and at all times, then you are not ready.  He’ll come like a thief in the night.  There is nothing left that has to be done, no further prophecy that needs to be fulfilled, before the Rapture can happen.  In the blink of an eye, between typing this letter and that one, it can take place.  Are you ready?

And being rescued from who?  BOB!  Why is it always Bob?

I was so suspicious and paranoid about my wife having an affair, that we moved to a new town 700 miles away. 

I couldn’t believe my luck when we still managed to keep the same gardener.

I love to read

The only power satan has over you is through your head.

Shout out to all the married folks out there waiting for their spouses to pass out on the couch so they can watch what they really want to on TV.

If Adam and Eve had been Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

If you can’t drink hot coffee on a hot day then you are weak and will never survive the apocalypse.

This fella stopped me on the street this morning and asked me why I was carrying a 9 foot book? 

I said, “It’s a long story.”

We have the best security team in the business.  People often ask me why we have such a robust security team and system here at Dragon Laffs, Inc.?  Very little is known publicly about the treasures that are put in our care from the many different universes.  What do you think would happen … just for instance, say … if … oh, I don’t know … if The Joker was to get ahold of the sword, Excalibur and become King of England?  Or say The Flash was to get ahold of Bilbo’s ring?  Not to mention the nuclear codes, biological warfare agents and antidotes, … yeah…we have a VERY robust security team around here.

The only person that ever wanted me for who I am is the police…

This is very emotional!  At 6:30pm on September 15th of 2017, after a 39-year career at the Kelso Police Department  Officer Dave Shelton, signed off for one last time.

Having been on the receiving end and (on a very teenie, tiny scale) the sending end of those kinds of radio traffic, that may have seemed overly emotional to someone outside of the “business”, but I’m here to tell you, that it is internally a WHOLE lot harder than that in real life.

President Joe Biden  was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. “Hello, President Biden” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is Archie, down here at Joe’s Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y’all!”

“Well Archie,” Biden replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”

Joe paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Biden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Joe asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”

President Biden sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Biden! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Biden. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed that many prisoners.”

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

You know what I’m gonna say…so why am I even gonna say it?  WHY IS IT ALWAYS BOB!?!?

If everyone would copy and paste that everywhere and it were to reach just one person who needed it, what a blessing that would be!

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Auckland New Zealand with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in Sydney Australia, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Auckland New Zealand, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up… So she took them home and enjoyed a wonderful meal.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.

I thought this was funny until I went to Krogers today and went through their holiday section … which was not filled with discounted Christmas stuff, but was filled, instead with Valentine’s Day candy!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Ok, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies,

*”The One In The Middle.”*

He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman,

*”How do you know?!”*

The Mother Replies,

*”I DON’T LIKE HER!”*

38 Truly Bizarre Questions People Were Actually Asked During Job Interviews That Left Them Scratching Their Heads In Utter Confusion

“They asked if I went to church and had a boyfriend. I was interviewing for a public school teaching position.”

40 WTF Pics to Ring In the New Year

I wonder if I’m required by law to put up one of these signs…

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Q: What do you call a doe with no eyes?
A: No eyed deer

Q: What do you call a doe with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eyed deer!

And that’s it…again!

May you be blessed with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Strength, and may our dear Father in Heaven shine His face upon you, until we meet again.

I love to read.  It is one of my top 5 passions in life.  Where it ranks in the list probably depends on what it is that I’m reading at the time.  Right now, I’m re-reading the Left Behind series.  Mostly because I can’t find anything else to capture my interest in the category of fiction that I like.  That’s one of the problems with being an avid, fast reader with discerning tastes — you run out of things to read.

I started my Bible reading plan for the year.  I told you this the other day.  Chronological Bible.  The Bible in order of events.  This has commentary written in with it that I’m enjoying quite a bit.

And I’m just tap dancing with the keyboard right now, so let’s move on to the fun stuff and if I have anything to say, I’ll add it in as it comes up, how does that sound?

That is a great idea.  They look delicious!

Finding out this next one is based on a true story does not surprise me one single bit!

Somebody actually changed it to Bob before they sent it to me!  That’s just mean!  Funny, but mean!

I can relate…

There’s always one person who just can’t resist!

Tempted so many times to send this out in work emails

Going to do a little mail right here because it cracked me up!  This is from Kris …. with a “K” who writes to tell us about a time that kinda backfired:

Looks like one of those toys that you pull backwards and let go.

This is a Christmas gift that I got from Izzy.  It is a Chernobyl meltdown humidifier.  I love this girl’s sense of humor!

Yeah … it’s strange, alright …  And it will be strange when we get to Heaven and we are before the Judgement Seat and Jesus will turn to you and say, “I never knew you.”

*Only works for part of the world.

This next one is well worth watching till the end.

That is the coolest gif.  We had a fireman come by our house when we were little kids who demonstrated the same thing with matches.

Now, this next video is long, but well worth it.  Gory, but funny.  It’s called, this is how you die.

This one was sent along by Joe from NJ.

Our New Year Wishes 4-U

May you get a clean bill of health from your Dentist, Psychiatrist, Ophthalmologist, Cardiologist, Gastroenterologist, Urologist, Proctologist, Gynecologist, Podiatrist, Plumber, And the IRS.

May your Hair, Teeth, Facelift, Abs, Honey cakes, and our stocks not fall.

May your Blood pressure, Triglycerides, Cholesterol, White blood count, Weight, and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour And, when you get there, may you find a parking space.

May you have the strength to deal with current politics, that some of the promises made be kept, and elected fulfill at least half of what they promise.

May the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets come to pass.

May the telemarketers wait until after you finish dinner to call.

May your checkbooks and budgets balance and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your Spouse, Child, Parent, and your significant others.

May you smile and laugh throughout the year.  

May you have a sense of humor.

Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

T-Shirt Messages  

* “A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words, But It Uses Up a Thousand   Times the Memory.”  
* “Of Course I Don’t Look Busy — I Did It Right the First   Time.”  
* “When Did My Wild Oats Turn Into Shredded Wheat?”  
* “My Husband and I Divorced Over Religious Differences —   He Thought He Was God and I Didn’t.”  
* (On the front) “I Cannot be Bought” — (On the back)   “Inquire About Leasing”  
* All I Ask Is a Chance to Prove That Money Can’t Make Me   Happy.”  
* “Practice Safe Food — Use Condiments.”  
* “Five Out of Four People Don’t Understand Fractions.”  
* “Men and Women Are From Earth — Deal With It.”  
* “Life Is Uncertain — Eat Dessert First.”

The New Hire Said, “That’s A Woman’s Work, I Don’t Do Women’s Work,” And 29 Other People Who Were Fired On Their Literal First Day On The Job

“They called me and told me I was let go for not showing up on my first day. Which was a surprise for me since at no point after the interview had I been told that I’d been hired.”

More puns and one-liners from Chris

Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

I like my candy canes in mint condition.

Prosthetic leg for sale: This would make someone a great stocking stuffer.

Stop giving children Bible names without Bible lessons — yesterday I was robbed by Moses.

What did one chair say to another chair?     Here comes another bum.

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?    Amazon Web Services.

 Sorry about the concussion Steve, but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.

I went to that new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

My wife just said, “You weren’t even listening!” – I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation.

By shear coincidence, all sheep look the same.

I can’t get away from my broken keyboard. There’s no escape.

Every time you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…because it gets FIRED.

Velcro. What a rip off!

The blacksmith wasn’t making much money but he forged ahead anyway

 I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time!

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “caroling.”

But if you’re doing it alone with no pants on, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”

CAT’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS


~*~ I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

~*~ I will not slurp fish from the aquarium.

~*~ I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.

~*~ I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

~*~ I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and scratch my owner, leaving her to bleed to death.

~*~ I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

~*~ I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

~*~ We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

~*~ I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

~*~ I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

~*~ I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

~*~ When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

~*~ I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

~*~ When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

~*~ I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

~*~ I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

~*~ The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

~*~ A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap (but the EMPTY pizza box is).

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.

A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. 

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, “Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.

“I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement

Everybody likes to imitate perfection.

Finally!  FINALLY!  Someone speaking with some sense over the whole global warming, carbon stupidity thing!  Special thanks to Sasquatch for sending this to me…a while ago, but I’m just now getting into a bunch of old emails that were on the server that I’ve been fighting to get to.  But, watch this video.  This guy makes sense and tells the truth!

My visual hallucinations are getting worse…

But at least now I’m seeing a doctor!

And a very special message from our dear and loyal friend …

And that, my friends, is that.  May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.