Dragon Laffs

Today is Veteran’s Day and although it was supposed to be an extra special issue, I’ve only got a couple of hours to put it together so it’s not going to be as extra or as special as I would like. 

But, before we get into any kind of laughter, there is something that I want to say to the vets and to the active service members (who also qualify as vets), the same thing that I tell all my students at the end of every class.

To the Vets and Service men and women out there.  I want to say thank you.  Thank you for your service.  Thank you for your sacrifices, and by extension, thank you to your families that stay behind and support you.

You know, at some point in time we all raised our hands and solemnly swore to protect The Constitution with everything we have, everything we are, up to and including our own lives if that is what is required of us.  And if you are like me, in the back of your mind you were thinking that you were doing this to protect your friends, your family, your loved ones.

But, you know what?

You are also protecting MY friends, MY family, MY loved ones.  And for that alone, you deserve my thanks, my gratitude.  As well as the thanks and gratitude of many, many other people, even though we all know you aren’t going to get it…or at least not enough of it. 

But this is MY blog and in here, you get it.  You deserve it.  Thank you for your service and dedication to duty.  There is one dragon who deeply appreciates it with all his heart.

So, Vets, and military folks of all kinds, these laughs are for you!

It doesn’t matter how old you get, you will always see yourself as a military member.

Undoubtedly a Vet!

 

This next one requires some explaination…

I was with the Wild Weasels in two different iterations, once with the old F-105 Thunder Chiefs,  And the second time when they had changed over to the F-4 Phantom.  Which is what you see above in the picture.  There mission was hunting down antiaircraft missile launchers, but they did it by flying around in the sky until a launcher got a lock on them and fired a missile at them.  The SAM Missiles were like watching a tleephone plle flying up from the ground at you at hundreds of miles per hour.  Then your job was to follow the missile path back down to the ground and destroy the launcher.  Like walking around out in the open trying to get a snipers attention so you can see where he shoots from.  Hence the motto: You’ve gotta be shittin’ me.

Okay, so I’m out of time, so I’ll finish this off with some regular humor.  Love you guys.

 

 

I have good news!  I have had secret communications Lethal Leprechaun while on his covert mission.  Now, I can’t, of course, divulge what that mission entails nor too much concerning our communication, but suffice it to say, that he is alive and well and hopes to be back amongst us in a couple of weeks.

So, in my feeble attempts to keep you entertained while our green brother is otherwise occupied, why don’t we get some laughter in, shall we?

Okay, good, I agree.  But, let’s start with a little news. There is a brand new written alcohol test.  Like the on-scene sobriety test that an officer can ask you to partake in, they can also give you this written test:

 

Yeah, that would be enough to give you a start.

 

And with that stunning pronunciation, I’ll say good bye until Saturday!

Sigh!

I know, I know…

But, it’s either this or nothing at all.

Right now it’s 6:30 pm on Friday night and I have another weekend from Hell starting tomorrow morning.  For most of you, as you’re reading this, drinking your morning coffee, I’m teaching a bunch of military guys how to stay alive in crappy environments…for twelve hours on Saturday and another ten hours on Sunday.

Sigh!

So, at least we’ll get some laughs out of it.

OMG!  That’s disgusting!

OMG!  This is my last Dragon Quote!

Sure, why not, it should be safe.

Yeah, I tried to warn you….

And we have to throw some of these in there…

See, we started sexy with the bubble bath one and then had all those ninja ones so I just had to go back to sexy with this last one…

Not buying it?

Tough!

And how about a couple of these?

Ain’t that the truth! 

And I gotta put this one in because…well…for one, it’s just so damn cool and for two, I’m pretty sure I’ve flown with this guy.

And then finish off with a few more of these.

And that my dear friends is that.

Well, as you can probably tell, you still have me for your Wednesday. And I’m trying to put this together at the last minute, so let’s do this.

And that is exactly how we say it!

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it’s almost Halloween and usually, this would be an issue just full of Halloween cartoons and information and jokes and … well, you get the idea.

But, what we have is a couple of old guys who are struggling a little bit right now and don’t have the time to do justice to the holiday, so what you’re going to end up with is mostly a normal issue, with some Halloween stuff thrown in.

Yeah, sorry about that. 

But you’re still gonna laugh.  So, you got that goin’ for you.

Yeah, that’s really just gotta suck.  “Honey, remember that flood we were worried about?  Well, we don’t have to worry about it anymore…the house burnt down.”  Really suck.

Looking at graffiti on the side of a bridge:

Some People:  “That’s vandalism!”

Other People: “That’s Art!”

Me: “How the hell did they get up there?”

 

Good moms let you lick the beaters…Great moms turn the mixer off first.

That ought to piss off the neighbors.  Bet the Home Owner’s Association has something to say about it, too.

We always hear ‘ the rules ‘ from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports- It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and if one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials…

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, baseball, soccer or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;  But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.

Works for me.  Would definitely adjust my attitude.

 

Dear God Letters from Kids

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.  Is that ok?
Neil

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you got now?
Jane

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Dear God,
In bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I am American.  What are you?
Robert

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Please put another Holiday between Christmas and Easter.  There is nothing good in there now.
Ginny

Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
If we come back as something please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms.  It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
If you give me a genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

Dear God,
We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sun. School they said you did it.  So I be he stoled your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna

Dear God,
If you let the dinasor not exstinct we would not have a country.  You did the right thing.
Jonathan

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So … he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

That’s just so mean!!!

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m fucking bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London ‘s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: ” U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

Okay, that’s just gross.  I don’t care who you are.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise! Surprise!
It was an Apple.  But with extremely limited memory.  Just 1 byte.  The everything crashed.

And with that as being the perfect place to quit, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  Have a great week and we’ll see you later.

Cheers!